swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 27, 2022 13:33:42 GMT -5
My mother has been in a nursing home since May 2021. My dad usually takes her out 3 times a week, Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday afternoons from about 1 to 4. More frequently than not, she is sleeping when he gets there. She also falls asleep all the time when he takes her out. I think this is a bad sign.
Or maybe a good sign. I know this is not what she wanted for her life. She hated being taken care of.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Jul 27, 2022 14:36:34 GMT -5
My mother has been in a nursing home since May 2021. My dad usually takes her out 3 times a week, Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday afternoons from about 1 to 4. More frequently than not, she is sleeping when he gets there. She also falls asleep all the time when he takes her out. I think this is a bad sign. Or maybe a good sign. I know this is not what she wanted for her life. She hated being taken care of. That is the worst outcome there could be. I want to die with dignity. I want that for everyone I love, too. It is tragic that so many terminal conditions do not offer quick deaths, a year or two. My grandmother had Alzheimers. She lived for almost 20 years with it, increasingly disabled and confused, then angry, then--nothing. She outlived her brain's commands to breathe.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jul 27, 2022 16:46:54 GMT -5
My mother has been in a nursing home since May 2021. My dad usually takes her out 3 times a week, Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday afternoons from about 1 to 4. More frequently than not, she is sleeping when he gets there. She also falls asleep all the time when he takes her out. I think this is a bad sign. Or maybe a good sign. I know this is not what she wanted for her life. She hated being taken care of. You know I went through this with my dad. Thankfully it wasn't a long journey for him, but it was horrible to watch. For him, things went downhill quickly when he started sleeping all the time. Personally I did not see it as a bad thing as I knew he did not want to live this way.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jul 27, 2022 16:54:12 GMT -5
My parents would have preferred to have never had automatic deposits, but they finally relented on those.
Paying bills by check was okay with mom. Dad delivered the local ones before they moved here. I think it was something to do to get him out of the house.
When they moved here, mom still wrote the checks and he got his cash allowance. He paid cash for what he bought when I took him shopping. He did not like writing checks. He normally wrote three checks a month after mom died. One for his rent, one for his phone and one for his Meals on Wheels. There were some once a year expenses that he paid by check.
About every other week, he would get $100 cash from the credit union. They knew him and what he was going to want when he walked in. He stood there and counted it before leaving. Another teller who open their window while they were dealing with him.
He would have paid for everything with cash if he could have figured out a way to do it. The facility told me that some of their patients did pay their rent with cash.
Neither of my parents had any use for the internet, cell phones, etc. An uncle gave him his old phone so they could call 911 in an emergency but they didn't keep it charged.
Their next door neighbor was 96 when he died and he loved the internet. He and out of town grandkids and great grandkids played chess most evenings online.
We tried to get my parents to do that. Both my sister and I offered old computers, but they refused.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Jul 27, 2022 18:42:31 GMT -5
My grandma's SS and pension are direct deposited. All the insurance payments are auto debit. That is all acceptable.
I got a notice from one of her stocks that she had to get direct deposit of dividends by 2023. I filled that out and had her sign. I explained what it was several times. Then I went in and signed up for direct deposit of everything else that had ComputerShare as the registry agent. She was mad about the direct deposit. Might still be mad about it. I took away her "mad money".
No, it's just being deposited directly. Go get cash out. She occasionally lost some of the smaller checks and at tax time I always had to login in for at least one 1099 that I couldn't find.
She pays everything by check. I do have logins to some accounts from when everything was a mess in March/April. I also got a debit card when I was added to the account.
She can't get logged into her bank account anymore since they changed the password requirements and require 2 factor authentication from time to time. Before I was added on and was logging in, I called my brother who was at the house to give me the code. As my brother answered the phone, she walked by and saw the caller ID. And proceeded to tell my brother we didn't answer numbers like that.
It's not easy at all.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jul 27, 2022 20:14:52 GMT -5
My sister and I both had debit cards for mom and dad. Mom understood that we had used her money to buy what she had asked us to buy. Dad never ever comprehended that he didn't owe us money for what he had asked us to buy.
I did buy things like hearing aid batteries on Amazon that were so much cheaper than from the provider. Those he did give me cash for.
Towards the end of mom's life, we were buying lunch at DQ and taking it to mom and dad. Mom would say "pay for yours, too". She said it to both of us, so it was fine. Dad would ask for help paying when he forgot his gift card. That's how he ended up with over $600 in DQ gift cards when he died.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jul 28, 2022 9:50:26 GMT -5
Just finished reading the local paper. A nursing home was fined $20,000.
The nursing home had allowed patients to go outside to smoke for years. Patients had the code to get back in.
In May, a new rule went in to effect. No smoking on the grounds. Patients had to get an employee to take them off the property to smoke. The door code was changed.
The problem was that the change in smoking rules and the change to the door code was not communicated to residents, family or EMPLOYEES. Only management knew about this.
A man went out to smoke like he's done for years. A manager came over and told him if he left the building, he would be considered discharged against medical advice. Discharge papers were put in front of him and he was told to sign them. He refused.
Being an elderly man who had been doing this for years, he went outside to smoke. He couldn't get back in because the code was changed and no employee would let him in because he was no longer considered a patient.
He was outside in a wheelchair overnight. He went to the street and hailed a taxi. He fell and was injured getting in to the taxi and was hospitalized.
Yes, the family was livid and filed complaints.
He is back in a nursing home but not this one. All charged in the complaints from the family were found to be true.
There are older complaints against this nursing home that have not been investigated because they are not considered to be an emergency.
This is how we, as a society, treat the elderly.
I had two rep payee clients who were in this nursing home. This was the one I hated going to because it always reeked of urine and feces. I figured more was going on and it appears it was.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Jul 28, 2022 12:50:17 GMT -5
Hmmm... all the nursing homes I've been in required a code to exit as well as to enter. I wonder if that manager entered a code to let him out. Regardless, the entire situation is pathetic.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 28, 2022 12:55:05 GMT -5
I got a call from the nursing home last night at 11:30. So my mom was up and wandering around. 2 male patients got in a fistfight. Somehow my mom got in the middle of it and got punched in the mouth.
Shes fine, just a little cut on the inside of her lip.
File that under WTF?
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jul 28, 2022 17:10:46 GMT -5
Hmmm... all the nursing homes I've been in required a code to exit as well as to enter. I wonder if that manager entered a code to let him out. Regardless, the entire situation is pathetic. An employee did let him out--after he refused to sign the paperwork. That's why he was considered discharged against medical advice even though he didn't sign the paperwork. Nursing home no longer considered him a patient so they didn't have to deal with him.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 28, 2022 17:56:52 GMT -5
I got a call from the nursing home last night at 11:30. So my mom was up and wandering around. 2 male patients got in a fistfight. Somehow my mom got in the middle of it and got punched in the mouth. Shes fine, just a little cut on the inside of her lip. File that under WTF? Oh Swamp- I'm sorry! What an awful call to get.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Jul 28, 2022 21:18:25 GMT -5
Saw this article and thought it was interesting. It seems some nursing homes are trying to force payment from family and even friends and neighbors. www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2022/07/28/1113134049/nursing-homes-are-suing-friends-and-family-to-collect-on-patients-bills"The nursing home industry has quietly developed what consumer attorneys and patient advocates say is a pernicious strategy of pursuing family and friends of patients despite federal law that was enacted to protect them from debt collection. "The level of aggression that nursing homes are using to collect unpaid debt is severely increasing," said Lisa Neeley, a Massachusetts elder law attorney." "The legal strategy is often rooted in admissions agreements, the piles of paperwork that family or friends sometimes sign, not realizing the financial risks."
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jul 29, 2022 9:01:38 GMT -5
That is outrageous.
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cooper88
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Post by cooper88 on Jul 29, 2022 9:27:53 GMT -5
CCL I saw that article also. So many default judgements because the person being sued didn't even show up to the court date. It's all a sad situation.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 29, 2022 10:52:27 GMT -5
Saw this article and thought it was interesting. It seems some nursing homes are trying to force payment from family and even friends and neighbors. www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2022/07/28/1113134049/nursing-homes-are-suing-friends-and-family-to-collect-on-patients-bills"The nursing home industry has quietly developed what consumer attorneys and patient advocates say is a pernicious strategy of pursuing family and friends of patients despite federal law that was enacted to protect them from debt collection. "The level of aggression that nursing homes are using to collect unpaid debt is severely increasing," said Lisa Neeley, a Massachusetts elder law attorney." "The legal strategy is often rooted in admissions agreements, the piles of paperwork that family or friends sometimes sign, not realizing the financial risks." Here's hoping because we didn't sign shit the hospital stuck her there we're good. Putting this here because I figure it is appropriate given my parents are 63 and 66. I told DH last night that a huge part of what I am struggling with outside of the trauma directly involved with my mom's heart attack and also my dad being accused of elder abuse is the rapid, sudden shift in my relationship with my parents. I said we are now all adults and they relate to and talk to me on that level. There is no longer that barrier between parent/child. I am not at the level where I have to parent my parents yet but I have leveled up as far as adulthood goes. It's a very strange feeling and I am not entirely comfortable with it. I wonder if you ever really do become comfortable with it though? It's driven home my parents are getting older. Not that I was in denial about it per say but it's been shoved in my face for a week. I was really shook when my dad and mom were both sleeping and with just lying there I was able to see the age. I told the nurse I had to step out again because my brain was overloaded. DH is going through the same thing with his dad somewhat. I am thinking I should talk to his sister here in the near future if anyone is going to get what I am going through best it is her since she is the one doing the lion's share of the emotional lifting. It's not that DH and BIL don't help and it's not that Bob doesn't help but they do the busy stuff like run the resturant and mow the lawn. "Man" stuff. They aren't doing the emotional lifting which is just as exhausting if not more so in my opinion. When DH mows the lawn that is it he is done for the week. I have my dad texting me every day and last night showing up on my doorstep after fighting with mom. Bob closes at 9 pm. I can get a text at 3am. The only time I have a break is when I am asleep right now. I know it's a role I need to play right now but it's been really hard to communicate exactly what I am feeling and going through and how tired I am. On top of that I am taking on grandma, which I've shoved her to the sidelines at the moment. I can't do anything until I get that snail mail check. If the nursing home starts giving me crap I warned dad I am going to let them have her. Something needs to give. I am glad he finally drew that line with my GU too that is one less thing my dad has to worry about now. GU is Nebraska's problem. He won't take care of himself, we cannot drop our lives to be his mommy so now the state gets to be his mommy. Hope it was worth it. I told DH I should probably find a therapist through the EAP and at least do the free sessions assuming I can find anyone who isn't booked till 2023. And assuming I actually walk the walk. I got a lot I have to unpack and process. I'd like to call the EAP just to talk again here soon but I have been so buried at work this is the first time I've really sat down since Monday. Even when posting on here I'm usually doing paperwork at the same time.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jul 29, 2022 10:57:21 GMT -5
Here's hoping because we didn't sign shit the hospital stuck her there we're good. I said we are now all adults and they relate to and talk to me on that level. There is no longer that barrier between parent/child. I am not at the level where I have to parent my parents yet but I have leveled up as far as adulthood goes. It's a very strange feeling and I am not entirely comfortable with it. I wonder if you ever really do become comfortable with it though?In my experience I never got completely used to it. With mom, it was partly because she did try to mother us until the very end. Dad didn't do the parenting so I never expected the same from him.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 29, 2022 11:21:29 GMT -5
Here's hoping because we didn't sign shit the hospital stuck her there we're good. I said we are now all adults and they relate to and talk to me on that level. There is no longer that barrier between parent/child. I am not at the level where I have to parent my parents yet but I have leveled up as far as adulthood goes. It's a very strange feeling and I am not entirely comfortable with it. I wonder if you ever really do become comfortable with it though?In my experience I never got completely used to it. With mom, it was partly because she did try to mother us until the very end. Dad didn't do the parenting so I never expected the same from him. For Bob and I it has been difficult because my dad is always the strong one, he's always the one holding everyone us up. We were completely at a loss as to what to do when the person we've always counted on totally fell apart. We've stepped up but it was very distressing. On the positive side of it I've always known despite their squabbling that my parents love each other. What I didn't realize is how fiercely my dad loves my mom until this.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jul 31, 2022 20:42:35 GMT -5
In my experience I never got completely used to it. With mom, it was partly because she did try to mother us until the very end. Dad didn't do the parenting so I never expected the same from him. For Bob and I it has been difficult because my dad is always the strong one, he's always the one holding everyone us up. We were completely at a loss as to what to do when the person we've always counted on totally fell apart. We've stepped up but it was very distressing. On the positive side of it I've always known despite their squabbling that my parents love each other. What I didn't realize is how fiercely my dad loves my mom until this. I get it. When my mom was very ill and dying of lung cancer, my dad was like a 6 year old. I became the parent, reminding him to take his pills, go to bed, etc. After mom died, we were sitting in the funeral home making arrangements and the funeral director was (of course) padding the bill. I had to push for the cremation that I knew my mom wanted, and had talked about several times. I knew that my grandparents had a spare plot in Indiana, and made arrangements to have any services there, not in NY. I drove dad to NY, paid mom’s last hospital bills (I could sign checks off their accounts), paid the funeral home bills, contacted all the places I needed to contact, etc. My job gave me a week of bereavement time off for a parent. I had a generous boss who didn’t bat an eye when I took another 2 weeks, but I had to get back to work. I hated leaving dad, as he was functioning like a zombie. He didn’t eat, he didn’t sleep. He just existed. After I left, he had a panic attack and called an ambulance thinking it was a heart attack. He actually did get a good doctor who understood what was going on and got him some meds to help him function. He took those until he could function…I guess about 6 months or so? Where did that leave me? I had to function because he couldn’t. Mom’s death hit me about a year later. I can tell you the precipitating event was Mother’s Day. Mom died in late April, so that Mother’s Day didn’t hit my radar. The second one was like a sledgehammer in the chest. I got through it, but I also had some very good friends in TX who helped me a lot. It is strange when roles reverse.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Aug 3, 2022 13:14:35 GMT -5
One of my colleagues had a parent pass recently, and I offered to meet up with her kiddo and have a playdate with the peanut and their kiddo so she could go and have some space to grieve. I told her, as the child, you don't get to grieve, really, in the same way your other parent does. I know TheOtherMe told me that, and it helped alot. So, I passed it on. My mom switches whenever she wants. I am supposed to figure out/guess if I'm the parent, child, or spouse, based on what's going on inside her head that she is keeping, well, inside her head.
I don't do that. I come at her willing to engage in a adult/peer relationship. It's a good boundary for me.
My mom is going to do what she wants, anyway. I can tell her not to do something 5 times. She can find a couple other people that will agree with me. She'll go ahead and do what I told her to NOT do. Or, she recently got sick, and is refusing to follow the specific directions I gave her on how to make things easier/better in the future. So the next time she is sick, she'll be unable to take care of herself. And she'll just start in.
So, my boundaries help me so that I don't take her personally. Especially when she is trying to manipulate me with guilt. It's been about 18 months now, since dad died. I think I've started processing/grieving. But, there isn't all that much to process/grieve either. I had 10 years to grieve before he died. Which makes things strange as well.
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bookkeeper
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Post by bookkeeper on Aug 27, 2022 12:52:57 GMT -5
Mom is getting ready to return to TX for the winter months. She is 85 and her mobility is getting less and less. My brother and I were talking today about having all her documents in hand, should a hospital, nursing home stay, or funeral services be required. Her mind is pretty clear, but she doesn't handle her own finances.
We discussed the POA, Living Will, Durable power of attorney, car title, and trailer house title. My brother and I both spend the winter in AZ so we need to be prepared to swoop in should she have trouble.
What are we forgetting? We hope not, but we both feel this is her last winter living at the trailer park.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Aug 28, 2022 13:34:58 GMT -5
Mom is getting ready to return to TX for the winter months. She is 85 and her mobility is getting less and less. My brother and I were talking today about having all her documents in hand, should a hospital, nursing home stay, or funeral services be required. Her mind is pretty clear, but she doesn't handle her own finances. We discussed the POA, Living Will, Durable power of attorney, car title, and trailer house title. My brother and I both spend the winter in AZ so we need to be prepared to swoop in should she have trouble. What are we forgetting? We hope not, but we both feel this is her last winter living at the trailer park. Transitioning her to some kind of Assited Living arrangement. While there are exceptions the mid 80s seem to be the age that falls start to happen as well as dementia. It will be challenging because I suspect your mom probably has a good social circle at the trailer park. Is there somewhere close by where her friends have gone? My MIL should be in Assisted Living and she talks about how she likes one place that her neighbor went. But I doubt it's going to happen until she severly hurts herself. Plus if and when that happens we'll see if they can handle her. She's verbally abusive and can be violent so I suspect nice places will kick her out.
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bookkeeper
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Post by bookkeeper on Aug 28, 2022 15:17:47 GMT -5
We are hoping the Assisted Living will happen in the spring if she gets along ok this winter. If she can't get along in TX, she will have to come live with me in AZ. She has a whole posse of people to help/watch out for her at the TX trailer park. At home on the prairie, she is 7 miles from town and alone most of the day. Loneliness is a big concern. She was the youngest person in her peer group. Most of her friends have passed.
Mom views assisted living as an all or nothing proposition. Once she's in, that's it, she won't be able to return to TX. That scares her because her arthritis is so much worse in the north than it is in TX. She is to the point where she hardly wants to cook for herself anymore. She eats a lot of processed junk rather than cooking a meal. In my mind, that should signal that you are ready to let someone else do the heavy lifting.
The good news is that she has the resources to live wherever she wants to. The bad news is that she will be living with severe arthritis pain until the end.
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bookkeeper
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Post by bookkeeper on Aug 28, 2022 15:19:40 GMT -5
Waiting until you wreck yourself is not a good plan for going to assisted living. You might over shoot the target and land in a full time nursing home with your injuries.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Aug 28, 2022 18:14:30 GMT -5
We are hoping the Assisted Living will happen in the spring if she gets along ok this winter. If she can't get along in TX, she will have to come live with me in AZ. She has a whole posse of people to help/watch out for her at the TX trailer park. At home on the prairie, she is 7 miles from town and alone most of the day. Loneliness is a big concern. She was the youngest person in her peer group. Most of her friends have passed. Mom views assisted living as an all or nothing proposition. Once she's in, that's it, she won't be able to return to TX. That scares her because her arthritis is so much worse in the north than it is in TX. She is to the point where she hardly wants to cook for herself anymore. She eats a lot of processed junk rather than cooking a meal. In my mind, that should signal that you are ready to let someone else do the heavy lifting. The good news is that she has the resources to live wherever she wants to. The bad news is that she will be living with severe arthritis pain until the end. You'll have lots of nice choices in AZ. The food thing isn't unusual for elderly people. And frankly at mid 80s who is going to care? She should eat what she likes.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Aug 28, 2022 18:22:26 GMT -5
Waiting until you wreck yourself is not a good plan for going to assisted living. You might over shoot the target and land in a full time nursing home with your injuries. No kidding. But we have exhausted ourselves with trying to get her to do something to change her situation. She's in a 3000 sq.ft., two story although her main living is all on one floor. She has four dogs with varying degrees of being housebroken . She has some kind of dementia and is currently installing a second koi pond in her side yard which she told DH she didn't remember agreeing to. Went through something similar with my dad. He wound up in skilled nursing after breaking bones after a third fall in 18 months. Doctor wouldn't release him home given his living situation. I hope your mom is more cooperative. It's a really hard thing to go through.
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on Aug 28, 2022 18:39:22 GMT -5
Good luck to all of you. We dealt with a lot with both mom's for us it's finally over. I feel bad in some ways and good in others. I feel guilty that I'm relieved that it's finally over. But his mom was not living a life, she was existing.
Hope you are able to get them in good situations, where they are safe and hopefully happy.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Aug 28, 2022 19:57:32 GMT -5
The food thing isn't unusual for elderly people. And frankly at mid 80s who is going to care? She should eat what she likes. That is what I figure for myself and that is what we were told when mom was in hospice. She wanted chicken strips from Dairy Queen 2 or 3 times a week. Hospice said let her eat whatever she wants. Mom didn't stop eating. Dad stopped eating about 3 months before he died. Mom had stopped cooking a good 10 years before they moved here. They got Meals on Wheels for lunch and divided in half so it was two meals for each of them.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 29, 2022 8:40:00 GMT -5
We are hoping the Assisted Living will happen in the spring if she gets along ok this winter. If she can't get along in TX, she will have to come live with me in AZ. She has a whole posse of people to help/watch out for her at the TX trailer park. At home on the prairie, she is 7 miles from town and alone most of the day. Loneliness is a big concern. She was the youngest person in her peer group. Most of her friends have passed. Mom views assisted living as an all or nothing proposition. Once she's in, that's it, she won't be able to return to TX. That scares her because her arthritis is so much worse in the north than it is in TX. She is to the point where she hardly wants to cook for herself anymore. She eats a lot of processed junk rather than cooking a meal. In my mind, that should signal that you are ready to let someone else do the heavy lifting. The good news is that she has the resources to live wherever she wants to. The bad news is that she will be living with severe arthritis pain until the end. You'll have lots of nice choices in AZ. The food thing isn't unusual for elderly people. And frankly at mid 80s who is going to care? She should eat what she likes. I was thinking that too. If I want to eat Big Mac and fries every day in my 80s who the hell cares? I'm on borrowed time by that point anyhow so WTF am I forcing myself to cook and eat healthy for if I don't want to? I think by that age I have earned the right to ditch the kale. I've said that to DH about his dad and whiskey. Is it "good" for him? No. Is he 87 with health problems and just lost his wife of 50+ years? Yes. So if whisky helps him sleep at night freaking let him at this point. Alcoholism is likely not going to be what catches up with him. Don't deny him what he needs to get by. Now if you are like my grandma and not eating/drinking to the point of actual malnutrition that is different. Not not eating stuff that is not an approved healthy diet but literally subsisting on just crackers and cheese. That required intervention. If she had been eating enough calories we wouldn't have been concerned as much.
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bookkeeper
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Post by bookkeeper on Aug 29, 2022 8:47:13 GMT -5
I agree that you should be left alone to eat what you want at age 85. However, I think the junk that Mom eats, as well as the sugar, contributes to her arthritis pain.
She hasn't really cooked in years. Dad did all the grocery shopping and most all of the cooking for the last 10 years of his life.
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jerseygirl
Senior Member
Joined: May 13, 2018 7:43:08 GMT -5
Posts: 4,819
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Post by jerseygirl on Aug 29, 2022 9:11:06 GMT -5
Jerseyguy said one of his biggest regrets was not buying his mom jelly donuts at 94 yrs when she wanted one
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