NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 25, 2022 10:41:45 GMT -5
Way overthinking what to wear. Nobody is going to believe I'm there for a nice visit today.
I know with my height I tend to not be taken seriously and I don't want to reinforce that by dressing how I usually do on the weekend.
I settled on a slightly more formal version of what I wear to work. I'm also hoping the clothes will keep me in the role I'm playing because I don't want to be the adult right now. It shouldn't have to be me.
I shouldn't to worry about this until my parents time or God forbid DHs time. It infuriates me I'm getting grandma foisted on me.
Also.I have no idea if that asshat is regularly visiting or not. I want to be prepared for him to see someone who matches her words on the phone.
Again way overthinking but my anxiety is out of control. My clothes are the only thing I have control over.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jun 25, 2022 11:18:27 GMT -5
I would still like to know how they found out about the money your dad took out to give to your uncle.
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jerseygirl
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Post by jerseygirl on Jun 25, 2022 11:28:19 GMT -5
I would still like to know how they found out about the money your dad took out to give to your uncle. Agree and why and how does a nursing home have access to a client’s bank account? Seems good potential to sue Although you probably don’t want that on your plate but I’d at least ask your attorney
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Jun 25, 2022 11:29:34 GMT -5
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jerseygirl
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Post by jerseygirl on Jun 25, 2022 11:32:04 GMT -5
Yes good luck!! Hoping you have only a little stress and a good resolution for your grandma
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 25, 2022 14:40:41 GMT -5
Well that went better than expected but something is rotten in the state of Denmark.
I told grandma everything and I am planning on standing in there way.
Her short term memory isn't great but she was 100% cognizant when I was telling her what is going on and why dad hasn't been to see her recently.
I'm not sure where to go from here. I'll report my conversation and let more knowledge people take of from there.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jun 25, 2022 14:46:39 GMT -5
Did you record the conversation on your phone? That could prove very helpful in the future.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 25, 2022 14:51:27 GMT -5
Did you record the conversation on your phone? That could prove very helpful in the future. Yes. I need to back it up so I have copies.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 25, 2022 18:28:16 GMT -5
I hope it gives my dad some peace of mind to know my grandmother believes none of what these people are saying.
First thing she asked me was where was he.
She was quite indignant and wanted to know why he hadn't called her she would have helped and told them it's none of their business.
I had to tell her unfortunately they don't care.
But I would pass it onto dad. It's been destroying him emotionally to wonder what if.
DHHS guy tried to claim I refuse to be her POA. Dad told him no she refused to be bullied and agree to something over the phone to a complete asshole.
Ahem.stranger.
How do. I not know it's a scam? So what you gave DH card you can make those at Staples.
I'll sign whatever I need to. I have grandma's verbal agreement to take dad's place after I explained why he has to step down.
We need to get me in the way before smarty pants assigns someone.
I told grandma he's going to regret messing with the DQ women.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jun 25, 2022 20:03:32 GMT -5
Well that hope was dashed. In between this morning and now the DHHS officer got my grandma to sign paperwork rescinding the POA. If the original is still in effect I automatically become financial POA and now it's my job to get her out of there. If it's not we don't know if a new one needs drafted or if they can block me. I am so tempted to go against everything and say no. Let the state have her this isn't fair. And DH is stomping around not helping. It's making me feel worse. I don't feel good right now. My only hope is this all goes away if they think they won. They could put my dad in jail if they wanted to. If I do this I'm hoping I save everyone. But now I'm putting a target on my back. I'm not exactly that guy's favorite person right now either. I do not like the fact I'm going to be watched over something I had NOTHING to do with and I'm being forced into it. And did I mention this will.cost minimum $2500 and possibly more of they go for the kill? I don't have money for a legal battle neither do my parents. Maybe letting the state have her is the best option. We are 100% out of the picture. That would make them happy and hopefully they drop it. This sounds crazy. I agree you need to move her to another facility. It usually takes something significant to ban a visitor and unfortunately this sounds crazy bad. What kind of stories is the social worker saying?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 26, 2022 13:57:30 GMT -5
Rather pissed. We found grandmas shoes, she needs special shoes because of cerebral palsy, shoved in the back top corner of her room closet
On the floor are cheap Walmart sneakers.
One of their claims is my dad is preventing my grandma from being mobile because he won't provide shoes.
He has. They won't put them on because they've told him her proper shoes are too hard to put on.
She can't recover without the right shoes and they have been told this by her physician and a PT.
Nope. Put these crappy slip on shoes so we can accuse your son of neglect later.
They say she has no clothes. Claim dad doesn't provide them. She has clothes.
Grandma asked where do they think she is going? She doesn't want anymore clothes she is fine with what she has.
I raided MILs closet with permission. Grandma and MIL are about the same size. Found sweatpants and pull on T shirts.
For close to $9k a month you would think they could take five minutes to put on my grandmas actual shoes.
I have her permission to move her though verbal is probably not enough we will see.
My bigger concern is considering how far word is spreading and other homes require a reference that no where else will touch her now.
Which is probably part of their end goal. Even if we win dad will have been drug so much through the mud grandmas name will cause anywhere else to hang up on me.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Jun 26, 2022 15:46:39 GMT -5
I'd take pictures of her shoes and clothing, everything in her closet. Probably everything in her room, too. Whatever I could do to document what they are saying is a lie.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 26, 2022 16:10:11 GMT -5
I got pictures of her clothes. It is enough for someone they stick in the corner most of the day.
We weren't 90% sure those were her shoes. I haven't actually look at them in years and she wasn't sure either.
Dad confirmed they were when I described them.
If they are still there next weekend or whenever I need to go up next I will take a picture where I found them.
DH was shocked at me snooping. I said at any other time I wouldn't dream of it but we need to have evidence they are making shit up.
We have to get this case to fall apart. I have an interest in case they come after me. I know their end goal is we are pushed to weekend visitors only
I have this handy little computer in my hand that allows me to hold people accountable. Damn straight I am going to use it.
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skeeter
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Post by skeeter on Jun 26, 2022 20:18:09 GMT -5
Rather pissed. We found grandmas shoes, she needs special shoes because of cerebral palsy, shoved in the back top corner of her room closet On the floor are cheap Walmart sneakers. One of their claims is my dad is preventing my grandma from being mobile because he won't provide shoes. He has. They won't put them on because they've told him her proper shoes are too hard to put on. She can't recover without the right shoes and they have been told this by her physician and a PT. Nope. Put these crappy slip on shoes so we can accuse your son of neglect later. They say she has no clothes. Claim dad doesn't provide them. She has clothes. Grandma asked where do they think she is going? She doesn't want anymore clothes she is fine with what she has. I raided MILs closet with permission. Grandma and MIL are about the same size. Found sweatpants and pull on T shirts. For close to $9k a month you would think they could take five minutes to put on my grandmas actual shoes. I have her permission to move her though verbal is probably not enough we will see. My bigger concern is considering how far word is spreading and other homes require a reference that no where else will touch her now.
Which is probably part of their end goal. Even if we win dad will have been drug so much through the mud grandmas name will cause anywhere else to hang up on me.I honestly don't know the answer to this question, but ever since I read the above I keep wondering if the HIPAA rules and regulations would prevent this from happening . I sure hope they do and you're able to get her moved to an honest, decent facility!
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jun 26, 2022 20:26:39 GMT -5
I have wondered the same thing and I would hope HIPAA covers this.
Do we need to come with the EE freezer?
One of my rep payee clients was always wearing the same clothes. I asked the nursing home about it and they said she refused to wear anything else. I asked if her underwear was getting changed. They said it was.
I then went back to see her and asked her if she likes wearing the same clothes all of the time. She said, yes, these are comfortable and all of the others hurt. Both of my parents said things like that about clothes, so now I do understand that.
She told me they changed her underwear and put a clean nightgown on her every night.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 26, 2022 20:29:18 GMT -5
Rather pissed. We found grandmas shoes, she needs special shoes because of cerebral palsy, shoved in the back top corner of her room closet On the floor are cheap Walmart sneakers. One of their claims is my dad is preventing my grandma from being mobile because he won't provide shoes. He has. They won't put them on because they've told him her proper shoes are too hard to put on. She can't recover without the right shoes and they have been told this by her physician and a PT. Nope. Put these crappy slip on shoes so we can accuse your son of neglect later. They say she has no clothes. Claim dad doesn't provide them. She has clothes. Grandma asked where do they think she is going? She doesn't want anymore clothes she is fine with what she has. I raided MILs closet with permission. Grandma and MIL are about the same size. Found sweatpants and pull on T shirts. For close to $9k a month you would think they could take five minutes to put on my grandmas actual shoes. I have her permission to move her though verbal is probably not enough we will see. My bigger concern is considering how far word is spreading and other homes require a reference that no where else will touch her now.
Which is probably part of their end goal. Even if we win dad will have been drug so much through the mud grandmas name will cause anywhere else to hang up on me.I honestly don't know the answer to this question, but ever since I read the above I keep wondering if the HIPAA rules and regulations would prevent this from happening . I sure hope they do and you're able to get her moved to an honest, decent facility!
It does not. We can say we don't want them calling the current place BUT as with job hunting you take the risk of them thinking you are hiding something and Chuck your application. We're thinking maybe if I call it might work. It should also help I recorded myself talking to my grandmother about agreeing to be her POA. Smartypants is trying to claim I refused so he gets to pick. No I refused to YOU over the phone I don't know you from Adam no way am I agreeing to anything over the phone. You aren't my dad, grandma or the attorney for all I know you are a scammer. So having my voice recorded telling grandma I will be her POA should block that at least.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 27, 2022 18:19:30 GMT -5
Well there has been a new change in events. Today in the mail I got a letter with my grandmother's signature and a "witness" who just happens to be the director of the home stating that she not only revokes my dad as POA but myself as well. They said since I refused to consent to the dude over the phone I lost my right to take my dad's place. The guy who did the original POA said there is nothing he can do, the original one no longer stands and he will not do another one. IDK if that is a legal thing or he thinks we are actually guilty of everything that is being said about us. Dad is going to visit the other lawyer tomorrow. I am backing up the original video and I'll go up again on Saturday and record again bringing the letter with me. But it is their word against ours even with the video. They have better lawyers and more money. I am not inclined to pursue this much further. I've had a stomach ache and can't stop vibrating since Thursday. I see the toll it is taking on my dad and on my parents' marriage. I do not want to drag myself or DH through it. But he is of another mind. We just had a knock down drag out fight over me "giving up" because of a "stupid letter that is not even legal". Umm honey they sent it to all the places who hold her accounts and they refuse to talk to my dad anymore. They apparently think it is legal. WTF am I supposed to do? This isn't my parents, this isn't his parents, this isn't DH. How much emotional and mental energy am I supposed to devote to this? My dad has already spent countless hours but "I'm not my dad" according to DH and I need to take up the good fight. Oh but he's not judging me for my line of thinking. He supports me in whatever I do. Which is why we just spent the last half hour yelling at each other about it. I wish he would butt the fuck out. She isn't his grandma. if you can't bring yourself to be my emotional support and keep your attitude about it to yourself I would prefer he not get involved at all. This is my grandma, my life MY decision. I am not going to be pushed into it because he carries guilt from his grandmother. I told my dad if he wants to stop fighting I will respect that. If I decide I want to stop fighting DH needs to respect that too. Dad still retains medical POA and we can visit. Nothing changes except the state gets every last penny and at this point nobody was counting on that money anyhow.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Jun 27, 2022 18:31:31 GMT -5
While I understand you're frustrated & exhausted, and you should do what you need to do, nothing hits my "bitch switch" faster than someone trying to pull something shady on family. I'd have a lawyer up their butt so quickly that they'd wish they'd never met me. But, that's me. Just for the record, dealing with elderly and/or disabled relatives IS exhausting.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Jun 27, 2022 18:36:06 GMT -5
Have you talked to your attorney about all this?
Do they seem to be taking good care of her? It just doesn't seem like any of them can be trusted.
All of her money would likely go to pay for her care for as long as she needs it, regardless of these latest developments.
Still, it all sounds kinda crazy.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Jun 27, 2022 18:45:09 GMT -5
While I understand you're frustrated & exhausted, and you should do what you need to do, nothing hits my "bitch switch" faster than someone trying to pull something shady on family. I'd have a lawyer up their butt so quickly that they'd wish they'd never met me. But, that's me. Just for the record, dealing with elderly and/or disabled relatives IS exhausting. Me, too. I'm also wondering what's stopping them from tampering with the medical POA? When my mom was at the end-of-life, the hospital tried to force me to approve several heroic measures everyone knew she absolutely did not want. They had no idea how hard I was going to fight them on that, but they soon found out.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jun 27, 2022 18:45:24 GMT -5
This does not sound right or legal to me.
If she isn't on Medicaid (I think you said she is private pay), she can't be forced to sell her house. Selling the house comes in to play with Medicaid.
The state doesn't physically get her house. It is sold by the POA or heirs and the proceeds used for her care or to pay back the state if she was on Medicaid.
What the proceeds don't cover, is not paid to the state as there are no funds to pay them with the patient's money.
When I was the rep payee I received "bills" from the State of Iowa for hundreds of thousands of dollars. Any property had already been sold. Completed paperwork and sent the balance of the checking account--usually less than $500 for a person on Medicaid. People on Medicaid can only have $2000 of assets.
That's where I am confused. If she is private pay, what is happening?
Does she have a will?
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jun 27, 2022 18:52:58 GMT -5
Well there has been a new change in events. Today in the mail I got a letter with my grandmother's signature and a "witness" who just happens to be the director of the home stating that she not only revokes my dad as POA but myself as well. They said since I refused to consent to the dude over the phone I lost my right to take my dad's place. The guy who did the original POA said there is nothing he can do, the original one no longer stands and he will not do another one. IDK if that is a legal thing or he thinks we are actually guilty of everything that is being said about us. Dad is going to visit the other lawyer tomorrow. I am backing up the original video and I'll go up again on Saturday and record again bringing the letter with me. But it is their word against ours even with the video. They have better lawyers and more money. I am not inclined to pursue this much further. I've had a stomach ache and can't stop vibrating since Thursday. I see the toll it is taking on my dad and on my parents' marriage. I do not want to drag myself or DH through it. But he is of another mind. We just had a knock down drag out fight over me "giving up" because of a "stupid letter that is not even legal". Umm honey they sent it to all the places who hold her accounts and they refuse to talk to my dad anymore. They apparently think it is legal. WTF am I supposed to do? This isn't my parents, this isn't his parents, this isn't DH. How much emotional and mental energy am I supposed to devote to this? My dad has already spent countless hours but "I'm not my dad" according to DH and I need to take up the good fight. Oh but he's not judging me for my line of thinking. He supports me in whatever I do. Which is why we just spent the last half hour yelling at each other about it. I wish he would butt the fuck out. She isn't his grandma. if you can't bring yourself to be my emotional support and keep your attitude about it to yourself I would prefer he not get involved at all. This is my grandma, my life MY decision. I am not going to be pushed into it because he carries guilt from his grandmother. I told my dad if he wants to stop fighting I will respect that. If I decide I want to stop fighting DH needs to respect that too. Dad still retains medical POA and we can visit. Nothing changes except the state gets every last penny and at this point nobody was counting on that money anyhow. Report them. Make a complaint or two. I found this, you want to click the first radio button. stateofiowa.seamlessdocs.com/f/DIA_Contact_FormThe facility should have nothing to do with the financial POA especially allegedly witnessing a change. I'd also write your state senator and congress person. You could even ham it up with 'this looks like financial fraud in our beautiful state of Iowa ..." And see what happens. If they are taking advantage of your grandma for financial gain, odds are there are other financial skeletons to be found.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 27, 2022 18:53:08 GMT -5
Have you talked to your attorney about all this? Do they seem to be taking good care of her? It just doesn't seem like any of them can be trusted. All of her money would likely go to pay for her care for as long as she needs it, regardless of these latest developments. Still, it all sounds kinda crazy. She's better than she was living out there. I am not convinced any nursing home around here is going to be any better. They don't take bad care of her. I cannot say they take stellar care because so far I have never seen a nursing home that does. Every single one I have dealt with has been a problem in some way or another. My dad will go up again tomorrow and see if a new POA can be drawn up but we may be done now that this has come in the mail. Anything we do now is going to get us accused of trying to manipulate her and get her out from under state protection. Never mind that is exactly what they are doing with this letter it is not notarized or anything but they know the system better than we do. We know that she wouldn't have wanted to lose control but then that is what got her into this mess in the first place. We're fighting the inevitable at this point. DH seems to be under the impression we're going to lock her away and never acknowledge her again which is pissing me off. I can't say that isn't what my dad plans on doing but then he's her son and has had to deal with more than I will probably ever know. If he needs to cut her off for his mental well being and marital well being I respect that. This whole "family is family" shit DH clings to is stupid. At some point my dad has a right to live his life and put on his own oxygen mask. And I have spent my entire life being responsible for shit I had no business being responsible for. Excuse me that I have decided to take a step back and think rather than go galliantly charging in. I also have the right to protect my own mental well being. I'm willing to record my conversations and give them to the lawyer. I would be willing to testify if it came down to that. I am not going to risk getting myself drug through the mud like my father has all in the name of being the one to control her money. I've seen what the state can do I have no interest in getting caught up in it anymore than I already am. I was willing when it was understood I automatically became secondary. I am not so willing to face a legal battle for it. She's not MY mother. She's not DH's mother. It may be easier to just let this one go before we end up in really hot water. ETA: I reread the letter. According to that my grandmother signed to revoke everything. Financial and Medical POA for both of us. IDK if the lawyer can get around it or not. ETA ETA: Thinking about it my DH is never the one who has had to be the savior, who everyone depended on, who was expected to always be responsible and come to the rescue when called. Maybe that is why he doesn't get why my dad and I are exhausted. Dad has been at it much longer than I have and I've watched it. I will be 40 in two years I have been asking myself do I want to continue to be everyone's savior and the answer is no I don't. It is not to say that I will not fight for what is right but I am SO DONE fighting every battle till the bitter end. It's time I be allowed to live my own life I don't want to be 63 and expected to damn near have a heart attack protecting people from the outcome of their own actions. I have to step back and look at this logically and consider the outcome. It's easy for DH to say fight the fight and win he's never had to actually fight a day in his life there has always been someone else who stepped up. It's easy to say those things from the sidelines.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jun 27, 2022 21:00:21 GMT -5
What's happening doesn't make sense. I'm not an expert, but I watched my mom deal with multiple facilities for 2 seniors who were self pay for just over 10 years. I'm worried she and you all are being scammed.
Neither the facility or the state want to be responsible for her or her house/money.
And even if they did, it doesn't move that quickly.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 27, 2022 21:03:50 GMT -5
What's happening doesn't make sense. I'm not an expert, but I watched my mom deal with multiple facilities for 2 seniors who were self pay for just over 10 years. I'm worried she and you all are being scammed. Neither the facility or the state want to be responsible for her or her house/money. And even if they did, it doesn't move that quickly. It's the director's signature on the paper as a witness. My dad will talk to the lawyer. I'll play my part if and when the time comes. It is the DHHS my dad had to go to the office for questioning. No none of it adds up it has two lawyers confused too. I'm just not sure how deep I want to go.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Jun 27, 2022 21:17:18 GMT -5
JMHO, but I think it's just empty threats. If you challenged them, unless they've been successful with this scam a majority of the time, I bet they'd back off. Unless DHHS is in bed with the director of the facility, it just doesn't pass the smell test. It's radically different than how things are done here. In our state the family has to sell the house, and gradually spend down the proceeds of the house on monthly care, until the money is gone. You can't go onto Medicaid until the resident's assets are spent, except for I think $2,000.00. That's why this seems like scare tactics to me.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 27, 2022 21:22:12 GMT -5
Then why did the banks refuse to talk to my dad once this went out? If none of it is legally binding why is everyone following it?
IDK. I have a headache.
I'm going to stand back and see what if anything the lawyer can do and evaluate my position from there.
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jerseygirl
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Post by jerseygirl on Jun 27, 2022 21:30:03 GMT -5
Banks don’t want to get involved . Does seem like some kind of scam by the nursing home I’m so very sorry this mess your grandma made is getting worse for you and your dad
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jun 27, 2022 21:33:02 GMT -5
Then why did the banks refuse to talk to my dad once this went out? If none of it is legally binding why is everyone following it? IDK. I have a headache. I'm going to stand back and see what if anything the lawyer can do and evaluate my position from there. I'd definitely lean into the lawyer but it feels very wrong and absolutely like a scam to me. How and why would the bank even know, and ime nothing legit moves this quickly. There is still an account in my grandparents trust name and it's an ordeal any time funds need to be deposited or withdrawn.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Jun 27, 2022 21:35:49 GMT -5
Something seems really fishy with the whole thing. I don’t trust where she is AT ALL!!! I can’t imagine the next nursing home asking about a recommendation from the prior place. That just seems really weird to me.
Also, I hope the person that “bought” your GU’s truck is charged to the fullest extent of the law. How horrible!!
Everything is just fucked up all around with both situations!
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