Aging Parent Support Thread

[empress of self-improvement]

DH is doing the same thing. He does not want to go out and he gets pissy about people coming over. Makes for a lonely life sometimes.

We have CVS Minute Clinic down the street. I'm thinking if I can't get him into the doctor's then I may try there. In the meantime we are on the cancellation list for a neuro appt. so he can get in ASAP. Yay. Maybe.

[TheOtherMe]

Caring for dad is getting more and more difficult.  He didn't hear the phone again today when I was calling him to tell him I was coming to take him for his groceries.

I talked to my sister tonight.  She thinks he is putting his fancy new hearing aids in the wrong ear.  She said they have been in the wrong ears twice already this week.  No wonder he can't hear.  He has an appointment with the audiologist tomorrow.  I told her these fancy hearing aids may have been a mistake if he can't figure out which ear they go in.  

Dad doesn't know he is going to a doctor next week about the swallowing issue.

She said it hit her on Sunday for the first time that he really is going to die.  

[CCL]

Is there any way you could just write an "L" for left and an "R" for right on them? Or some other way to identify them so it makes sense to him? It seemed like he was doing much better with the new hearing aids.

[TheOtherMe]

Sister said one is green and the other is red.  She is going to talk to the audiologist today about an easier way for him to deal with which ear the hearing aids go in.

The television was as high as it would go when I got there yesterday--79.  I turned it off because we were leaving, but he turned it back on and got unhappy with me that I turned it back off.  

At first, he was hearing so much better with these hearing aids.  I would give anything if that can be done again.

[TheOtherMe]

Talked to sister last night.  Audiologist suggested a second case.  He is to put the hearing aid marked with green in one box.  That box has either left or right written on it.  The second case is for the other color.  She also wrote down to change both batteries at once.

The volume is up to what is considered the best range for him and the beep for when the batteries need to be changed.

We will see what happens.

[countrygirl2]

It is an ordeal to care for them.  Your dad would likely do great in assisted living.  Hubs mom fought it all the way, I mean was furious.  she has been there now something like 5 or 6 years.  She is well fed, cleaner then she would be in her home by now.  Gets her meds regularly, hubs puts them in the safe in a daily pill box or they can't administer them.  We pay extra for that.  This last month they have actually been able to get her to get her hair fixed weekly, YES!  But I think when she gets a perm she washes it immediately and washes it out.  They also have a podiatrist come in to do foot care for her.  She had to be put on anti anxiety meds, that is when they were able to start getting her hair fixed I noticed.  She is doing well.  Her sister sleeps a lot, I'm not sure she feels as well, she keeps complaining about headaches.  They have had her checked, I think its simple as not drinking enough water.

Of course, the facility raised the rent again, so far its only been like $50 a month so we can handle it.  Another facility here upped theirs a ton and a lot of people had to move out to this one.  $2000 a month a lot of us can handle, more gets beyond our means. With her insurance that is $33,000, I expect insurance to raise again.  I noticed they have changed the drug provider twice in the last few months.  Insurance is through FIL's union so they may be struggling providing this benefit to a lot of old people.

[Bonny]

Update on my Dad:

His cancer apparently has come back with a vengeance. Apparently there is some kind of bone material growing rapidly and his girlfriend thinks it may be pressing against his ear so that he can't hear out of that ear. He couldn't talk to me on the phone and was so exhausted he had to lie down. His girlfriend doesn't seem to know if there's any kind of plan to deal with the cancer.

I spoke to my brother who said he visited two weeks ago. In addition to the hearing problem, he thinks Dad is having cognitive issues. He says things that don't make any sense or doesn't seem to understand what people are saying even if he can hear them.

Dad was looking forward to having a big crowd for his 83rd birthday which is at the end of February. Neither my brother nor I think he will make it.

I will attempt to get ahold of his oncologist. It may be time to set up Hospice.

[empress of self-improvement]

I'm sorry about your dad, Bonny.

Wish I could help with the hearing aids TheOtherMe but what works for me doesn't necessarily work for another. The fact that I am a lot younger has a lot to do with it too.

I can't even get into DH right now because I'm too close to wanting to kill him right now. Today is his shower day and for some reason he turns into a flaming asshole/brat with a monster attitude. I get he doesn't like having to depend on me for this but tough shit. It's how it is so suck it up buttercup! <<end rant>>

[TheOtherMe]

Bonny   so sorry about your dad

My dad has cognitive issues--unless you ask my sister.  Didn't hear from her today so I don't know how lunch went.  I'm going with no news is good news.

[saveinla]

My Mom passed away last week suddenly from a heart attack and my dad is lost. He is 90 and they have been married for a long time and he is not sure what to do. Thankfully my younger sister lives with him and I hope they can heal together. 

He told me that he does not know if he can live without my mom and was hoping to die before her.

[ners]

saveinla Sorry for your loss.  

Bonny Hugs.  

[empress of self-improvement]

I am so sorry about your mother saveinla.

[bean29]

So sorry about your mother saveinla 🥀

[TheOtherMe]

My condolences saveinla    My dad said those words when mom died.  It's now over 4 years and he still says those words.  It's heartbreaking.

[Bonny]

Dec 10, 2018 7:06:58 GMT -5 ners said:

saveinla Sorry for your loss.  

Bonny Hugs.  

Thanks. I'm girding myself for a couple of tough months. Since I went through a similar situation with my mother ten and a half years ago I have a better idea of what to expect.

This is also going to be really tough on my Dad's girlfriend. Not only is she going lose her mate of 20+ years but she can't stay in the home by herself, it's way too much work. After I speak to the oncologist and get a better idea of a timeline I will reach out to her eldest daughter about next steps.

[TheOtherMe]

Sister took dad to see a doctor.  I'm not sure why she is taking him to a surgeon, but that is who the appointment was with.  Dr. got called away by an emergency.  After 50 minutes of waiting, the office rescheduled all the patients.  

[empress of self-improvement]

Another fabulous night/technically morning with DH. I got to get up 3 times to either smack him on the back because he was choking on air or to get him into his chair to go to the bathroom. I really hope one of these jobs comes through soon. I need to be in the area. I also need that week off between quitting and starting so I can get some things taken care of for him. Oh yay.

[TheOtherMe]

[Bonny]

Spoke to the oncologist yesterday afternoon. Very different conversation from when I spoke to her on Monday. According to the surgeon who saw him on Thursday the tumor is huge and he recommended Hospice. Dad isn't ready to throw in the towel yet and wants to see the oncologist. I'm flying down there on Tuesday to make the 11:00 appt on Wednesday.

It sounds like she's thinking that the immunotherapy option she was initially suggesting probably doesn't make sense because of the aggressive growth. She says it can take three months to be effective and it requires treatment every three weeks. I don't think any of us think he's going to make three months.

I left a message for the Hospice folks and will talk to them about what's involved. But I agreed with the girlfriend that I won't schedule anything until after the meeting with the oncologist.

My brother, his son, and the grandaughters will see him today and my brother will give me a call afterward.

[taz157]

Empress - I really hope one of the potential jobs works out for you and DH.

Bonny - I’m sorry the news doesn’t sound great for your dad. I hope this upcoming appointment is better.

((((Hugs)))) to those that need them.

[TheOtherMe]

Bonny   


Sister had told me to tell dad when I took him to Dairy Queen to eat slowly and take small bites.  He reacted like a 2 year old.  I have never seen him eat a cheeseburger and fries so fast.  He was just shoving food in to his mouth.  

Called her a bit ago.  She suggested telling him if he is going to act like that to tell him we will take the food to his place for him to eat it.  He can drop food all over his dining room table.  

I even took the food away from him, but as soon as I gave it back, he shoved it in his mouth.  

[Works4me]

That inner two year old just loves to come out and play. Almost makes one wonder what he would have done had you said to eat as fast as he can or even said nothing.

Combined with some "I'm the father, she's the daughter; I tell her, she does not tell me" and it cerainly does get interesting. FYI, that was said by my father laying inbt hy e floor after he insisted on using a tv tray to stand up. It broke.

The one recommendation I have is get a gait belt and learn how to use it. They are so useful for helping someone up without hurting yourself. It distributes the weight while giving you something to grasp and to hold on to.

Put the clasp in the back if you need to. In fact, never be afraid to put the ties or clasp in the back. Part of the job as a care giver is to keep the other person safe and it can be a difficult balance between autonomy and safety.

[TheOtherMe]

We will see how he does today.  If he does it again, I'm going to get to go bags and take it to his place.

[Sharon]

TheOtherMe are you sure he is getting enough to eat at other times.  This may be another sign that he is in need for more care than he is getting.  I know your Sis disputes this but if he isn't eating except for the meals on wheels and the trips to DQ that could be why he is scarfing his food down.

[TheOtherMe]

He buys oatmeal about every 6 weeks.  Buys bread and milk every week, along with his m & m's.  He gets his Meals on Wheels delivered Monday through Friday for lunch.  A woman from sister's former church delivered meals for the weekend when I was there Friday.  Sister said he barely touches those meals.

We know he divides the Meals on Wheels in half and has part for lunch and part for dinner.

I had never seen him eat that fast.  It felt like defiance to me because I had told him to eat slowly and take smaller bites after the episode where he vomited at DQ two weeks ago.  He asked me who told me to say that and I said sister.  Maybe that is what got him upset.  

Will see how it goes today.  

[countrygirl2]

I think part of what contributed to MIL and her sisters issues were poor diet.  I think they lived on dollar pizzas and ice cream for a long time.  We fond tons of ice cream buckets.  You would go there and she would have one of those cheap pizzas thawing out for how long I don't know.  Once they got her in assisted living, she still won't eat from dinner in the evening till 11 the next day.  But hubs gets her Ensure and they make sure she has it in the mornings or sometimes in the day.  You can sure tell if she doesn't get it.  She has no reserves to draw on if she doesn't drink it and really gets out of it. Sounds like he would do well someplace like that also.

[empress of self-improvement]

Welp, I made the mistake of asking DH what he thinks about going to a day program twice a week. Hmph. My hair is still sticking up. Asshole.

[TheOtherMe]

I"m sorry.  

[Bonny]

I got back from visiting my father Thursday evening and am still reeling.

I thought the visit went as well as expected until Thursday am when the g/f came out at about 6:30 am and told me I had to take my father at my house. I was stunned. After promising to take him for his treatments she suddenly did a 180 and said she couldn't handle it and that I needed to deal with it. I told her I needed some time. Then she launched into a tirade about how we (Bonny's maiden name) take over, are a huge burden to her and don't help and make work for her. This tirade went on for about 20 minutes. I was stunned again and got teary and explained that I was sorry she was interpreting things differently than intended. I had never seen this side of her before. I walked outside to find my dad who had gone for a two block walk.

When I got back with him she apologized and I attempted to de-escalate by saying that we were all grieving and tired. But the damage is done. Our relationship will never be the same. I need to get him out of there despite her promise that she'll take care of him through his birthday (February 27). Over the last few days I'm been thinking that even if not intentional this is a kind of elder abuse. In essence she wants to kick them out of their house because she can't handle the situation but she refuses to accept outside help. She doesn't want anyone to visit including the palliative care people or other caregivers.

I had already started some research about getting him in to a skilled nursing facility. As I suspected, first finding a facility that takes Medicaid patients is rare and the one that did has a waiting list 20 people long. Turnover is less than one a month. He'll be long dead before he gets accepted. Yesterday I started calling and even trying to private pay is a challenge. Not everyone will take a Kaiser patient and even pre-paying is not an option.

I'm sad, angry and frustrated. I think it's pretty cheeky for her to insist that he leave when they both co-own the house and have life estates in the property. I know it's my job to ensure he's taken care of and that's my priority but I've got a real slow burn going on about being dumped on. If you really do love someone you don't kick them to the curb when they get sick.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

So sorry Bonny. Does the hospital he gets treated at have a social service office? They are the ones along with the doctor that helped navigate getting my grandfather into hospice.