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Post by empress of self-improvement on Jun 25, 2021 16:21:31 GMT -5
wvugurl26 It's Kaiser so my PCP would write the referral but it would still be up to me to get an appointment. Frustrating to say the least All I got is go out and buy the largest packages of Imodium-AD you can find and take it as a preventative. That's what I had to do for a while.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Jun 25, 2021 16:40:02 GMT -5
You could have irritable bowel syndrome. Take a wild guess what my main symptom was. See if you can get into a gastroenterologist. Yeah. I'm thinking that, too. I tried to get an appointment with a gastro doc at Kaiser. Sure. Soonest available among four docs and a PA is end of July. No point in trying to call because the call either goes to VM or to a message that tells me my wait time is....more than 30 minutes. Ugh. When it hits, it's not like I can go to urgent care at KP. When it hits, it hits. I dunno what to do. I could start with my PCP, but she'll refer me to gastro...where no appointments are available until the end of time. I would make the appointment for when you can get in, and then ask them if they can put you on a cancellation list if someone cancels an earlier appointment. Both DD and DH got better appointments with our Dentist this way.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2021 16:41:21 GMT -5
empress of self-improvement Yeah. That's what I'm gonna do. Waiting for more than a month to see a doc who's going to either tell me the same thing or prescribe it anyway is stupid. And I don't wanna pay the co-pay for doc appt.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jun 25, 2021 17:28:06 GMT -5
empress of self-improvement Yeah. That's what I'm gonna do. Waiting for more than a month to see a doc who's going to either tell me the same thing or prescribe it anyway is stupid. And I don't wanna pay the co-pay for doc appt. Please go ahead and make the appointment. Our gastro is that far out always sometimes longer. Going through my PCP, I have been able to get appointments sooner or get on the cancellation list. There's more than imodium that can be done. Ask me how I know.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 25, 2021 19:37:05 GMT -5
Wow. The shit hit the fan.
Long story short grandma got 911 called on her again. Refused or couldn't open the door so my dad drove out to let them in.
Resulted in a knock down fight in the yard which culminated in my grandma saying my parents want to put her in the nut house because they want her money.
She will NEVER agree to spend a single dime on care. She's fine they are only trying to trick her.
How do you say that to your son?! I know she thinks my mom is the devil and always has but my dad?!
And what fucking money?! First I'm hearing of it.
Do old people not realize that there are much easier ways to be rid of them and steal there money than get them into senior living.
I mean IDK I can just go ahead and let her live alone. She falls, hits her head and boom. Total legit accident.
No need for umpteen medical visits, paying thousands a month and enough paperwork to wipe out the Amazon.
My other grandmother accused my mom of the same thing. Is this something that occurs outside Lifetime movies? If it's that easy why are we having so much trouble?
At least my dad is now convinced to go on vacation. I am going to need a lot of embroidery to go out there. Maybe I'll wear my mask and blame the delta variant.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Jun 25, 2021 20:08:27 GMT -5
Wow, NomoreDramaQ1015. I guess she can insist on living alone at risk to herself, but she can't require your family and father to wait on her.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 25, 2021 20:12:18 GMT -5
Wow, NomoreDramaQ1015. I guess she can insist on living alone at risk to herself, but she can't require your family and father to wait on her. That is where I am at. My dad told her we will not cater to her. He is not going to be at her back and call 24/7. Neither will we. We are to call 911 eventually they will get pissed about it and maybe they can make her do something. I'm out.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jun 25, 2021 22:47:53 GMT -5
Drama, my mom was totally paranoid that I was going to take her house away from her. I mean, dad was gone for like three hours, I literally *just* got on her doorstep after dropping everything and rushing to her place.
There was no thank you. There was no "well, shit, dad's dead." It was "are you going to take the house away from me" The absurdity of that really just makes me laugh. Because clearly I have so much time and money on my hands that I can take mom to court and then completely gut and redo a 2k square foot, 4 bedroom home.
Someone gave my mom bad advice and she just fixated on it. And the worse part about it is that mom doesn't believe about 80% of the stuff this "friend" tells her. But THIS, that I can take her house, she believes. And old, unwell people aren't rational. You can't convince irrational folks that they are irrational. It's all about how they can make their experiences fit their narrative in their heads. Your grandma is likely pretty damn afraid of losing her money. And I think that's a very legitimate fear. Normal people would go talk to a financial advisor, have a rational conversation with a loved one, maybe even say a little prayer during mass..
Your grandma instead convinces herself that your dad is going to take her money, because she's stuck in her head and has nothing else to do. Now your dad is pushing for her to move somewhere else, and volia, now your grandma has a data point that she's justified in her fears. Grandma has everything she needs to go on with that narrative that she's created that she's going to lose all of her money because your dad is going to take it. And the result is the exchange they had.
My mom does this alot. She did it earlier this week. Mom had some big fears. Rather than use her big girl words to communicate, mom re-wrote history in her head, then she provoked me until I finally gave her the poor response she was looking for. Mom in turn used my poor response as data points supporting her fears. Then she could demonize me and threaten to give me the silent treatment.
Mom is now in the honeymoon phase. I suspect she'll be good for another week or so, and we'll start up again.
Your grandma is unwell. She isn't rationale. Irrational people don't behave like normal folks do.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jun 26, 2021 7:01:04 GMT -5
Gira said: Your grandma is unwell. She isn't rationale. Irrational people don't behave like normal folks do.
Definitely true. Drama is also right that at some point 911 is going to have had enough. Volunteer fire department that has problems finding volunteers and is short of funds. That's the story of volunteer fire departments in this state.
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bookkeeper
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Post by bookkeeper on Jun 26, 2021 8:38:31 GMT -5
In my experience with my parents, poor nutrition and self care can cause these spiraling gloom and doom thoughts. It is a thing that starts slow. Chicken noodle soup out of a can, skipping showers, refusing to repair the home. But then it gets bigger, the longer the elderly live like that. Opioid use/abuse will make it worse.
At one point my mother told me that I just wanted her dead so I could do whatever I wanted. In front of my Dad who was actually dying of cancer. The disagreement that started the drama was over cleaning off the bathroom counter so my Dad could shave and clean up. She had so much "free stuff" from the hospital covering every surface that there was no where to set a toothbrush.
I got on the 4 wheeler with some beers and went for a ride after that. I had been driving 3 hours one way for weeks on end to care for everyone, only to be told that I wanted my mother dead. I know she didn't mean that at the time, but she had hit her breaking point. A lack of sleep caring for my Dad also contributed to the poor thought processes she was having.
I feel like she was reaching for something, anything, she could control but then coming up empty handed. After Dad died, many of her stressors were gone. She still likes to control what happens in her house and on her yard. God made no creature on earth more independent than a farmer.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 26, 2021 10:11:22 GMT -5
Yeah grandma said "they" told her that's what my parents plan is too. Who the hell are these people that are running around telling old people their children are out to steal everything? Is this something that regularly happened in the old days?
If we wanted to steal her shit my parents wouldn't be looking at senior living that costs up to $3700 a month.
We can just wait till she falls in her garage.
At least GU seemed interested. The seed has been planted so maybe that will work out.
My mom almost started crying yesterday when talking to me. If she's at that point I can imagine the state of my dad's mind. I reiterated DH and I will help as we can.
I am done with grandma she has made her choice. She got her way we are moving her back to Treynor. She can win her stupid prizes.
My goal is keeping her from killing my dad. I'm helping for his sake not hers.
Please God never let me do this to my kids and if I do send down a lightning bolt to kill because I deserve it.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jun 26, 2021 11:11:20 GMT -5
It appears that I was overly optimistic on the honeymoon period.
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Post by empress of self-improvement on Jun 26, 2021 11:42:16 GMT -5
It appears that I was overly optimistic on the honeymoon period. I'm sorry. You so do not need this. Want to give me her phone# and I'll have a little chat with her?
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ners
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Post by ners on Jun 26, 2021 11:44:59 GMT -5
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Jun 26, 2021 12:15:54 GMT -5
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Jun 26, 2021 12:23:57 GMT -5
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jun 26, 2021 13:02:07 GMT -5
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Ava
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Post by Ava on Jun 26, 2021 14:08:50 GMT -5
giramomma and NomoreDramaQ1015Sigh It's so hard to deal with elderly relatives. The advances in medicine makes us live longer but at what price? Is it worth it when older people become a burden to others besides not having a good quality of life themselves? My mother has an 82-years old friend who's sharp as a knife and goes anywhere you invite her and has tons of fun. I want to be like her when I get old.
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Ava
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Post by Ava on Jun 26, 2021 14:25:30 GMT -5
Well, I've been having issues with my mother for years. She's fully independent, and financially self-supporting. Believe me, I am so grateful for that. The problem with her is that as she gets older, she becomes more emotionally dependent on me.
It all started in 2008, when she retired and broke up with her partner of 17 years. She started calling me every day, keeping me on the phone 1 hour a day, coming here every summer, requesting that I visit every year for the holidays. I put up with it for several reasons. Mainly because I thought it was going to be a temporary situation, until she found some hobbies and maybe a new partner. But none of those things happened. From there, it has continued and at this point it has become suffocating. Besides all the emotional dependence, she's controlling and can say very hurtful things.
A couple of weeks ago I started working on all these issues with my therapist. It's only been two weeks since we focused on this problem and I already see progress. It's amazing the difference between me trying to deal with it alone or sharing with friends, and getting a mental health professional involved.
He helped me figure out so far:
- My mother is not going to change. Therefore, the only thing I can change is my behavior and my reactions to her - I don't have to buy her a ticket to come here just because she demands it. I have to think and decide if I want her to visit - She will continue to say hurtful things to me, the issue is why do I get hurt? I have to learn that she will be hurtful, and I have to put a protective shield to avoid getting hurt by her words. - What she views as reality is her reality, it's not universal and she's not always right. What I view as reality matters. (For instance, she wants to rearrange my kitchen this way, because it's "better". It's better from her point of view, not necessarily mine) -Despite everything, my mother loves me - I don't have to call her everyday or answer the phone every time she calls. It's ok to be tired or not feeling like talking to her everyday.
We continue to work on my issues on this topic. It's going to take a while. But in two weeks we are already making progress and I'm very happy about that.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jun 26, 2021 17:12:34 GMT -5
Thanks all. It will be OK.
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Ava
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Post by Ava on Jun 28, 2021 8:05:27 GMT -5
So I think I'll invite my mother to come after all. Maybe I shouldn't. I'm starting to have more control over our relationship. She has seen my attitude change, like I said, she's sharp and intelligent. This isn't a senior citizen who's losing her marbles. She has already identified my therapist as a source of change, and she calls him my guru. I've told her I don't have a guru and the decisions are made by me.
I'm not 100 percent sure yet, but I'll decide within the next few days. My fear is that by bringing her here, we'll revert to our old ways where she takes over me, my house, my life, etc and everything is done her way. And also I feel hurt by the things she says sometimes. Plus I'm working from home and we'll be on top of each other all day.
On the other hand, now I know I can change things around, I can avoid feeling hurt by her. I also miss her. I haven't seen anyone from my family since January 2020. I feel lonely. I want to enjoy the summer, since I spent last summer home all the time. We can go to the beach, go out to eat, go to the pool, go to the Summer concerts. All those things I could do by myself, but it's so much fun with someone else coming along.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jun 28, 2021 10:43:08 GMT -5
Has your therapist had you read "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend? It might be a good one for you. You also might consider role-playing/practicing with your therapist.
Asserting boundaries is hard at first, but gets better with practice. And, you could assert some boundaries now, and see how your mom reacts. "I'd definitely like you to come, so we can do fun things together. I'll be working, so please make sure you bring books, crayons, needlepoint to occupy you. Re-arranging my cabinets won't be an option for you." (or something like that). If your mom is like "Can we go to hobby lobby when I'm in town." I'd take that as a good sign. If she gets defensive, and launches into how she's only trying to help you with rearranging your kitchen and how could you possibly be upset about that....well...then you know where your mom is and can figure out if it's a good idea for your mom to visit, or if you still want her to visit, maybe you keep the visit short.
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on Jul 4, 2021 21:27:51 GMT -5
My MIL did that too, the only reason we were putting her in a home was so I could get her house.
Why in the hell did I want it? I wouldn't live in that place, hubs already owned half we found out and his brother owned the other half and had since the 90's. So we bought the brother out, at the time we thought maybe she could come back. She could have if she would have accepted live in help. She said I wanted it to rent out, ME? Hubs ended up keeping it to rent and we had to spend thousands on it to get it in rentable shape. She has absolutely no idea.
It is an obsession, I guess they know there is a point of no return and once its reached, no house, no car, no independence, what can they do.
we will be in the same boat, hope we don't act like that.
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myrrh
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Post by myrrh on Jul 13, 2021 15:04:16 GMT -5
FIL called the local handyman who has ripped him off before, along with his girlfriend, to come clean the house. (No explanation on how he's going to pay him.) Apparently he told the guy to break in through the window to get in, because that's not shady at all. So last weekend we went to FIL's house. I cleaned out the kitchen cabinets, DH put wood in the windows to prevent thieves from breaking in (again maybe?). I threw out three large trash bags of expired food, sigh, and only got four plastic grocery bags worth of food to donate. So frustrating and sad. I have no idea what the handy man and his GF did, the house didn't look any different to me except the one window air conditioner was moved, the second air conditioner was now in the shed with an extension cord(!) and the shed had a large padlock on it and was full of miscellaneous stuff and tools now. So weird. The water was off so we didn't stay long. Then after we got home FIL texts DH and accuses him of stealing stuff. Uh huh. It was totally us and not your paranoia or the guy who has ripped you off before.
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myrrh
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Post by myrrh on Jul 13, 2021 15:09:39 GMT -5
Hugs to giramomma and Drama. So sorry.
Ava, could you possibly cut your mom's visit short? I know in the past she's stayed for months, maybe a month would be long enough to make it worth it for her and short enough that you won't want to kill her at the end, lol.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 13, 2021 16:52:58 GMT -5
I have no idea what the handy man and his GF did, the house didn't look any different to me except the one window air conditioner was moved, the second air conditioner was now in the shed with an extension cord(!) a nd the shed had a large padlock on it and was full of miscellaneous stuff and tools now. So weird. The water was off so we didn't stay long. Then after we got home FIL texts DH and accuses him of stealing stuff. Uh huh. It was totally us and not your paranoia or the guy who has ripped you off before. I would be super careful. My parents hired help last summer. The guy is still storing his tools at my parents house, and has yet to pick them up. Actually, I should go and check on it the next time I see mom. I don't know if the tools actually exist (I haven't been back top my mom's since it was decent enough to poke around outside). Or if it's true that the guy hasn't come by to pick them up. Mom has no way to contact the person..She won't get rid of his tools. While with everyone else she's very controlling over her home as being hers, she's not asserting herself to the hired help. You'd think he owns my mom's yard, the way she just lets him do whatever he wants. I need to figure out what legally can be done about this. I cannot keep dealing with my mom not telling the guy to get his shit. I can't get 5 calls from her on whatever she thinks is the guy's day off of work, because she feels like her safety is threatened if she's in her own yard.
Anyway, it's just another thing. At a time where I could really use less things, not more.
And, yeah. I can't touch anything in my mom's house. Twice I got accused of taking things in three trips to her place after Dad died. Actually, it would be three, if you include the fact that she thinks I'm taking her house away from her.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Jul 13, 2021 22:22:11 GMT -5
FIL called the local handyman who has ripped him off before, along with his girlfriend, to come clean the house. (No explanation on how he's going to pay him.) Apparently he told the guy to break in through the window to get in, because that's not shady at all. So last weekend we went to FIL's house. I cleaned out the kitchen cabinets, DH put wood in the windows to prevent thieves from breaking in (again maybe?). I threw out three large trash bags of expired food, sigh, and only got four plastic grocery bags worth of food to donate. So frustrating and sad. I have no idea what the handy man and his GF did, the house didn't look any different to me except the one window air conditioner was moved, the second air conditioner was now in the shed with an extension cord(!) and the shed had a large padlock on it and was full of miscellaneous stuff and tools now. So weird. The water was off so we didn't stay long. Then after we got home FIL texts DH and accuses him of stealing stuff. Uh huh. It was totally us and not your paranoia or the guy who has ripped you off before. That sounds weird to me. Why would anyone want to air condition a shed? Do you think the guy could be staying out there in the shed or something?
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 14, 2021 20:06:09 GMT -5
I keep losing my post. Short version - my Dad is 83 and noticibly slowing down. I'm not ready to lose him but you all are making me grateful that he's aging more or less gracefully.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 14, 2021 21:07:25 GMT -5
I keep checking out this thread to see if my son is posting here about his looney mother!
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bookkeeper
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Post by bookkeeper on Jul 19, 2021 18:17:14 GMT -5
FIL called the local handyman who has ripped him off before, along with his girlfriend, to come clean the house. (No explanation on how he's going to pay him.) Apparently he told the guy to break in through the window to get in, because that's not shady at all. So last weekend we went to FIL's house. I cleaned out the kitchen cabinets, DH put wood in the windows to prevent thieves from breaking in (again maybe?). I threw out three large trash bags of expired food, sigh, and only got four plastic grocery bags worth of food to donate. So frustrating and sad. I have no idea what the handy man and his GF did, the house didn't look any different to me except the one window air conditioner was moved, the second air conditioner was now in the shed with an extension cord(!) and the shed had a large padlock on it and was full of miscellaneous stuff and tools now. So weird. The water was off so we didn't stay long. Then after we got home FIL texts DH and accuses him of stealing stuff. Uh huh. It was totally us and not your paranoia or the guy who has ripped you off before. That sounds weird to me. Why would anyone want to air condition a shed? Do you think the guy could be staying out there in the shed or something? People in Arizona have a/c in their sheds to kennel their pets during hot weather. I also see sheds with a/c used as a hobby space. My son bought a large window air for his garage. He lives in a very humid climate and likes to tinker on projects.
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