NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 21, 2021 20:10:50 GMT -5
NomoreDramaQ1015 and giramomma I’m sorry you guys are going through all this. I know it’s hard dealing with family as they age. It’s sad when they don’t realize that what they are doing is pushing everyone away. I always wonder... were these people always like this or is a result of old age? Is this what we get to look forward to turning into as we age? My grandma was always this way. It's a continuation of the abuse she suffered growing up. It's why my dad is the way he is and why I am the way I am though I'm trying to stop the cycle. Unfortunately for her in old age her behavior has some major consequences. We can't save her from herself. Both herand my GU have played stupid games and are winning stupid prizes.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jun 21, 2021 21:04:34 GMT -5
NomoreDramaQ1015 and giramomma I’m sorry you guys are going through all this. I know it’s hard dealing with family as they age. It’s sad when they don’t realize that what they are doing is pushing everyone away. I always wonder... were these people always like this or is a result of old age? Is this what we get to look forward to turning into as we age? Dementia did it to my dad. My mom knew when it was time to give up the house. It took her a lot of convincing to get dad to move. He refused to believe they were actually moving until the papers for the sale of the house were signed. For my parents, the money issues were because they grew up so poor during the Depression. We were always told they couldn't afford it. They believed it. I'm at their house (before they moved one day) and mom asked me to write a check. There was over $100K in the checking account. I know we didn't have extra money growing up and they were by no means rich, but they had enough to live comfortably as they aged. I'm not sure I would trust my daughters to find me a place to live in senior living that had access to assisted living and nursing home--just in case. She did and she said it was the nicest place she had ever lived.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jun 22, 2021 8:57:25 GMT -5
My experience is the same as drama's. Mom was severely abused, dad enabled. I stopped the cycle. Because of that, I'm the bad guy.
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ners
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Post by ners on Jun 22, 2021 18:07:37 GMT -5
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myrrh
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Post by myrrh on Jun 24, 2021 13:47:16 GMT -5
Hey all, I am hoping to get some sound advice as well as vent about FIL, because I don't really think it's appropriate to vent fully to real life people and you internet people are all imaginary anyway. So, MIL passed away rather unexpectedly in August of cancer. FIL was living in a small town in a cheap and old mobile home in disrepair. The house was FULL of stuff and in September SIL and I helped partially clean it out, got maybe halfway through. Donated SO much stuff, much of it new and still in packaging, and filled a dumpster full of trash. FIL wouldn't let us touch certain areas (I was yelled at for trying to throw out some empty cardboard boxes in the dining room.) We noticed he is having short term memory problems, and we all agreed he is dangerous on the road, but because the nearest grocery store is 20 minutes away and the decent grocery store is 45 minutes away, he didn't have much choice. He has always had money problems and is very cantankerous. He has had things stolen out of the house, fallen for scams, and buys lots of junk from mail catalogues, and his only income is from SS. He also has fallen multiple times and has several medical issues, for which he goes to some quack doctors that don't solve the problems. Unfortunately, there was nothing we could really do because he would not sign a power of attorney. I've heard him say for years that he would like to move to the city but he's never done anything about it, he's too lazy and thinks other people should do things for him, plus he couldn't afford it anyway. So this month, we went to bury MIL's ashes and afterwards my two SILs went to FIL's house. They decided his situation is untenable and he would be moving into a retirement home, mostly on their dime, on two conditions: 1) sell the property and car, and 2) sign a power of attorney. He agreed to this, finally. The home is very nice; he has a studio and the building he is in provides utilities, three meals a day, a snack bar, game room, library, movie theater, free laundry facilities, cable, and I'm sure other things I'm forgetting right now. Room cleaning, towels, and sheets are also provided. Rides to local shopping (Walmart, Target, Dollar Tree, etc) are provided on a daily basis, and rides to doctors appointments or anywhere within 10 miles are free. It's really nice, I'd like to live in such a place! It costs in the range of $2600 per month. During the week, we clean out more stuff and pack furniture and stuff he'll need. And then we start going through his bills. OMG you guys. He has three different credit cards, almost maxed, to the tune of $20k in debt. He's been overdrafting his checking account a lot. Like 14 times this past month. He's not been paying his bills - credit cards, car insurance (!), home insurance (!), not sure if property taxes are being paid - he claims they are 0 due to his age and other discounts. We are surprised he's not out on the street yet. While we were doing all this work, he was complaining almost constantly, whining that we were expecting a lot from him, that he's been in the house 40+ years, and that several people have told him to keep the car and ease into his new life. Gah. So now he wants to keep the car. He also started on the insults to SIL. SILs got fed up and left to go to their home state. The house still needs lots of cleaning to be put on the market, and there are two storage sheds and an old junk car we haven't touched yet. We think the property may be worth in the range of $30k to maybe $70k on the high end, but the house would need to be gutted and fixed up and that's not something we are willing to do. He's at least moved into the retirement home, but he's driving back and forth to his old home (a little more than an hour away) and doing who knows what. The only furniture left is a love seat and the dining room table and chairs. He refused to let us take all his model train stuff, which could potentially be sold and used to pay for the home. So we are trying to get the house ready to sell, and he wants to keep all this stuff? How exactly does that work? SILs took his credit cards away, and I advised them to freeze his credit and not give him the pin so he can't open more accounts. They plan to give him an allowance of $200 a month (I think that's too much, but whatever.) Still looking into if he is eligible for a VA pension, but we need certain papers we don't have yet. Anyway, question: I think SILs are paying the retirement home directly. If we just let the credit card debt sit, can the cc companies do anything? His only income is SS. Bankruptcy could potentially be an option but I don't think FIL would be willing to do the required classes. Ugh.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Jun 24, 2021 14:17:30 GMT -5
I'm not an expert, but I would think cc companies could sue for what he owes and get a judgement. Since he has the house, that would be an asset that might be used to pay his debts.
I'm sorry. This kind of stuff is never easy.
Is there any way someone could disable his car or "lose" the keys? At a minimum, I'd be sure to maintain insurance on the house and car.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 24, 2021 14:35:14 GMT -5
If we just let the credit card debt sit, can the cc companies do anything? His only income is SS. Bankruptcy could potentially be an option but I don't think FIL would be willing to do the required classes. Ugh.
I believe when he dies if the "estate" has anything of value they can try to attempt to collect. However the nursing home would probably be in line to collect first IIRC correctly when my grandma died CC companies are usually the last in line to to be able to get anything.
If he has nothing to pay them with then there is nothing for them to collect. They can issue a judgement against him but you can't squeeze water from a rock. I would put the CCs at the bottom of your worry list at the moment. Consult with someone when you have the time. Right now you got bigger fish to fry.
My grandmother had balances on her CCs going back to 1992. My dad said every time a drawer opened a card flew out. If she hadn't been dead already he would have killed her. The CC companies could have tried to demand the house but they never bothered. I suppose there is probably a threshold for how much it is worth to try to collect from dead people. My brother, myself and a few cousins got some bullying phone calls but we repeated that the debt holder was dead and hung up. Eventually it went away.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 24, 2021 15:01:43 GMT -5
Hey all, I am hoping to get some sound advice as well as vent about FIL, because I don't really think it's appropriate to vent fully to real life people and you internet people are all imaginary anyway. So, MIL passed away rather unexpectedly in August of cancer. FIL was living in a small town in a cheap and old mobile home in disrepair. The house was FULL of stuff and in September SIL and I helped partially clean it out, got maybe halfway through. Donated SO much stuff, much of it new and still in packaging, and filled a dumpster full of trash. FIL wouldn't let us touch certain areas (I was yelled at for trying to throw out some empty cardboard boxes in the dining room.) We noticed he is having short term memory problems, and we all agreed he is dangerous on the road, but because the nearest grocery store is 20 minutes away and the decent grocery store is 45 minutes away, he didn't have much choice. He has always had money problems and is very cantankerous. He has had things stolen out of the house, fallen for scams, and buys lots of junk from mail catalogues, and his only income is from SS. He also has fallen multiple times and has several medical issues, for which he goes to some quack doctors that don't solve the problems. Unfortunately, there was nothing we could really do because he would not sign a power of attorney. I've heard him say for years that he would like to move to the city but he's never done anything about it, he's too lazy and thinks other people should do things for him, plus he couldn't afford it anyway. So this month, we went to bury MIL's ashes and afterwards my two SILs went to FIL's house. They decided his situation is untenable and he would be moving into a retirement home, mostly on their dime, on two conditions: 1) sell the property and car, and 2) sign a power of attorney. He agreed to this, finally. The home is very nice; he has a studio and the building he is in provides utilities, three meals a day, a snack bar, game room, library, movie theater, free laundry facilities, cable, and I'm sure other things I'm forgetting right now. Room cleaning, towels, and sheets are also provided. Rides to local shopping (Walmart, Target, Dollar Tree, etc) are provided on a daily basis, and rides to doctors appointments or anywhere within 10 miles are free. It's really nice, I'd like to live in such a place! It costs in the range of $2600 per month. During the week, we clean out more stuff and pack furniture and stuff he'll need. And then we start going through his bills. OMG you guys. He has three different credit cards, almost maxed, to the tune of $20k in debt. He's been overdrafting his checking account a lot. Like 14 times this past month. He's not been paying his bills - credit cards, car insurance (!), home insurance (!), not sure if property taxes are being paid - he claims they are 0 due to his age and other discounts. We are surprised he's not out on the street yet. While we were doing all this work, he was complaining almost constantly, whining that we were expecting a lot from him, that he's been in the house 40+ years, and that several people have told him to keep the car and ease into his new life. Gah. So now he wants to keep the car. He also started on the insults to SIL. SILs got fed up and left to go to their home state. The house still needs lots of cleaning to be put on the market, and there are two storage sheds and an old junk car we haven't touched yet. We think the property may be worth in the range of $30k to maybe $70k on the high end, but the house would need to be gutted and fixed up and that's not something we are willing to do. He's at least moved into the retirement home, but he's driving back and forth to his old home (a little more than an hour away) and doing who knows what. The only furniture left is a love seat and the dining room table and chairs. He refused to let us take all his model train stuff, which could potentially be sold and used to pay for the home. So we are trying to get the house ready to sell, and he wants to keep all this stuff? How exactly does that work? SILs took his credit cards away, and I advised them to freeze his credit and not give him the pin so he can't open more accounts. They plan to give him an allowance of $200 a month (I think that's too much, but whatever.) Still looking into if he is eligible for a VA pension, but we need certain papers we don't have yet. Anyway, question: I think SILs are paying the retirement home directly. If we just let the credit card debt sit, can the cc companies do anything? His only income is SS. Bankruptcy could potentially be an option but I don't think FIL would be willing to do the required classes. Ugh. He’s judgment proof. Sell the house NOW before the judgments hit.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Jun 24, 2021 15:20:23 GMT -5
Hey all, I am hoping to get some sound advice as well as vent about FIL, because I don't really think it's appropriate to vent fully to real life people and you internet people are all imaginary anyway. So, MIL passed away rather unexpectedly in August of cancer. FIL was living in a small town in a cheap and old mobile home in disrepair. The house was FULL of stuff and in September SIL and I helped partially clean it out, got maybe halfway through. Donated SO much stuff, much of it new and still in packaging, and filled a dumpster full of trash. FIL wouldn't let us touch certain areas (I was yelled at for trying to throw out some empty cardboard boxes in the dining room.) We noticed he is having short term memory problems, and we all agreed he is dangerous on the road, but because the nearest grocery store is 20 minutes away and the decent grocery store is 45 minutes away, he didn't have much choice. He has always had money problems and is very cantankerous. He has had things stolen out of the house, fallen for scams, and buys lots of junk from mail catalogues, and his only income is from SS. He also has fallen multiple times and has several medical issues, for which he goes to some quack doctors that don't solve the problems. Unfortunately, there was nothing we could really do because he would not sign a power of attorney. I've heard him say for years that he would like to move to the city but he's never done anything about it, he's too lazy and thinks other people should do things for him, plus he couldn't afford it anyway. So this month, we went to bury MIL's ashes and afterwards my two SILs went to FIL's house. They decided his situation is untenable and he would be moving into a retirement home, mostly on their dime, on two conditions: 1) sell the property and car, and 2) sign a power of attorney. He agreed to this, finally. The home is very nice; he has a studio and the building he is in provides utilities, three meals a day, a snack bar, game room, library, movie theater, free laundry facilities, cable, and I'm sure other things I'm forgetting right now. Room cleaning, towels, and sheets are also provided. Rides to local shopping (Walmart, Target, Dollar Tree, etc) are provided on a daily basis, and rides to doctors appointments or anywhere within 10 miles are free. It's really nice, I'd like to live in such a place! It costs in the range of $2600 per month. During the week, we clean out more stuff and pack furniture and stuff he'll need. And then we start going through his bills. OMG you guys. He has three different credit cards, almost maxed, to the tune of $20k in debt. He's been overdrafting his checking account a lot. Like 14 times this past month. He's not been paying his bills - credit cards, car insurance (!), home insurance (!), not sure if property taxes are being paid - he claims they are 0 due to his age and other discounts. We are surprised he's not out on the street yet. While we were doing all this work, he was complaining almost constantly, whining that we were expecting a lot from him, that he's been in the house 40+ years, and that several people have told him to keep the car and ease into his new life. Gah. So now he wants to keep the car. He also started on the insults to SIL. SILs got fed up and left to go to their home state. The house still needs lots of cleaning to be put on the market, and there are two storage sheds and an old junk car we haven't touched yet. We think the property may be worth in the range of $30k to maybe $70k on the high end, but the house would need to be gutted and fixed up and that's not something we are willing to do. He's at least moved into the retirement home, but he's driving back and forth to his old home (a little more than an hour away) and doing who knows what. The only furniture left is a love seat and the dining room table and chairs. He refused to let us take all his model train stuff, which could potentially be sold and used to pay for the home. So we are trying to get the house ready to sell, and he wants to keep all this stuff? How exactly does that work? SILs took his credit cards away, and I advised them to freeze his credit and not give him the pin so he can't open more accounts. They plan to give him an allowance of $200 a month (I think that's too much, but whatever.) Still looking into if he is eligible for a VA pension, but we need certain papers we don't have yet. Anyway, question: I think SILs are paying the retirement home directly. If we just let the credit card debt sit, can the cc companies do anything? His only income is SS. Bankruptcy could potentially be an option but I don't think FIL would be willing to do the required classes. Ugh. Uggh...so much of this reminds me of dealing with my late father. The train stuff is generally not worth much so set that aside for now. I'd focus on the property right now. There are the equivilent of "We buy ugly houses" for mobile homes investors. I'd give a couple of those a call as well as local realtors to see how much money the property is worth vs the time and effort to clean this place out. With respect to the CCs, keep paying the minimums. Once he dies, you inform them, they will get written off and turned over to debt collectors. I had to deal with this when my mom died with $60k in cc debt.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jun 24, 2021 17:18:18 GMT -5
Good luck. I do have an idea of how hard this is.
Never had to deal with selling a house or CC debt.
At least he is in assisted living and getting fed, etc.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Jun 24, 2021 20:29:08 GMT -5
Hey all, I am hoping to get some sound advice as well as vent about FIL, because I don't really think it's appropriate to vent fully to real life people and you internet people are all imaginary anyway. So, MIL passed away rather unexpectedly in August of cancer. FIL was living in a small town in a cheap and old mobile home in disrepair. The house was FULL of stuff and in September SIL and I helped partially clean it out, got maybe halfway through. Donated SO much stuff, much of it new and still in packaging, and filled a dumpster full of trash. FIL wouldn't let us touch certain areas (I was yelled at for trying to throw out some empty cardboard boxes in the dining room.) We noticed he is having short term memory problems, and we all agreed he is dangerous on the road, but because the nearest grocery store is 20 minutes away and the decent grocery store is 45 minutes away, he didn't have much choice. He has always had money problems and is very cantankerous. He has had things stolen out of the house, fallen for scams, and buys lots of junk from mail catalogues, and his only income is from SS. He also has fallen multiple times and has several medical issues, for which he goes to some quack doctors that don't solve the problems. Unfortunately, there was nothing we could really do because he would not sign a power of attorney. I've heard him say for years that he would like to move to the city but he's never done anything about it, he's too lazy and thinks other people should do things for him, plus he couldn't afford it anyway. So this month, we went to bury MIL's ashes and afterwards my two SILs went to FIL's house. They decided his situation is untenable and he would be moving into a retirement home, mostly on their dime, on two conditions: 1) sell the property and car, and 2) sign a power of attorney. He agreed to this, finally. The home is very nice; he has a studio and the building he is in provides utilities, three meals a day, a snack bar, game room, library, movie theater, free laundry facilities, cable, and I'm sure other things I'm forgetting right now. Room cleaning, towels, and sheets are also provided. Rides to local shopping (Walmart, Target, Dollar Tree, etc) are provided on a daily basis, and rides to doctors appointments or anywhere within 10 miles are free. It's really nice, I'd like to live in such a place! It costs in the range of $2600 per month. During the week, we clean out more stuff and pack furniture and stuff he'll need. And then we start going through his bills. OMG you guys. He has three different credit cards, almost maxed, to the tune of $20k in debt. He's been overdrafting his checking account a lot. Like 14 times this past month. He's not been paying his bills - credit cards, car insurance (!), home insurance (!), not sure if property taxes are being paid - he claims they are 0 due to his age and other discounts. We are surprised he's not out on the street yet. While we were doing all this work, he was complaining almost constantly, whining that we were expecting a lot from him, that he's been in the house 40+ years, and that several people have told him to keep the car and ease into his new life. Gah. So now he wants to keep the car. He also started on the insults to SIL. SILs got fed up and left to go to their home state. The house still needs lots of cleaning to be put on the market, and there are two storage sheds and an old junk car we haven't touched yet. We think the property may be worth in the range of $30k to maybe $70k on the high end, but the house would need to be gutted and fixed up and that's not something we are willing to do. He's at least moved into the retirement home, but he's driving back and forth to his old home (a little more than an hour away) and doing who knows what. The only furniture left is a love seat and the dining room table and chairs. He refused to let us take all his model train stuff, which could potentially be sold and used to pay for the home. So we are trying to get the house ready to sell, and he wants to keep all this stuff? How exactly does that work? SILs took his credit cards away, and I advised them to freeze his credit and not give him the pin so he can't open more accounts. They plan to give him an allowance of $200 a month (I think that's too much, but whatever.) Still looking into if he is eligible for a VA pension, but we need certain papers we don't have yet. Anyway, question: I think SILs are paying the retirement home directly. If we just let the credit card debt sit, can the cc companies do anything? His only income is SS. Bankruptcy could potentially be an option but I don't think FIL would be willing to do the required classes. Ugh. He’s judgment proof. Sell the house NOW before the judgments hit. But she can't just sell the house. She's gonna have to get him to agree to sell it, which doesn't sound likely to happen any time soon.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 24, 2021 20:34:37 GMT -5
He’s judgment proof. Sell the house NOW before the judgments hit. But she can't just sell the house. She's gonna have to get him to agree to sell it, which doesn't sound likely to happen any time soon. From the sound of it the trailer is not in the greatest shape. How much is it actually worth? I'd say if he refuses to sell it when the time comes let the CC companies fight over the scraps. But then I'm so done with old people and their crap at this point.
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stillmovingforward
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Post by stillmovingforward on Jun 24, 2021 20:49:38 GMT -5
Please, please, please 🙏 let me not be like this when I'm old! I want my kids to still love and respect me and to make our last days together a joy.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2021 6:16:31 GMT -5
NomoreDramaQ1015 But then I'm so done with old people and their crap at this point. But but but but I'm old and as *luck*? would have it, had to come home from work because of the crap...that is, explosive diarrhea. Yeah. TMI. But true. I promise to mostly behave most of the time.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2021 6:17:46 GMT -5
BTW, boys and girls, Christmas is six months from today. Have you done your shopping yet?
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jun 25, 2021 6:17:47 GMT -5
NomoreDramaQ1015 But then I'm so done with old people and their crap at this point. But but but but I'm old and as *luck*? would have it, had to come home from work because of the crap...that is, explosive diarrhea. Yeah. TMI. But true. I promise to mostly behave most of the time. Is this a hold over from when you were sick before or something new?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2021 6:31:42 GMT -5
I really dunno. Not sick to my stomach, no fever, but it's been a sort of problem from time to time since last fall. Guess I'll have to break down and call my friendly neighborhood physician.
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Post by empress of self-improvement on Jun 25, 2021 7:06:32 GMT -5
You could have irritable bowel syndrome. Take a wild guess what my main symptom was. See if you can get into a gastroenterologist.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 25, 2021 8:33:54 GMT -5
So a bit of potential upside my dad presented the information for the senior apartments to the both of them and GU is pretty interested at the moment. Maybe if he gets the wheels turning he can coax my grandma into cooperating. Right now she's still hell bent on if she can't live with GU for whatever reason she's going back to Treynor.
Then my mom is trying to figure out how to get my grandfather's VA benefits which my grandma never bothered to apply for after he died. The amount of paperwork and documentation is massive. Fortunately she did this type of stuff for a living for 30+ years but she's still frustrated that they are the ones having to do it.
DH and I volunteered to take care of her while my parents are gone on vacation. Right now they are looking at not going and who knows when this nightmare will end. DH and I agreed that my dad needs to get some space before he has a heart attack. Senior care here either wants umpteen amounts of documents to show she needs a sitter or they charge insane prices just for an hour's worth of sitting on the couch visiting. (I joked that PetSmart is only $275 for an entire week if they are interested).
Since it would be the holiday weekend we are already home. I get Tuesday off since I am switching schedules that month. DH has to work but he can if need be drop me off and I'll spend a few hours there. He can check in on her for an hour or two on Wednesday. We'll force the kids to come with us to socialize.
IDK if my dad will take me up on it but I wanted to put that out there. My mom appreciated the gesture and she is going to try to talk him into it. I said it's not right that my dad gets to have no life and possibly work himself into the grave because the old people in our lives made stupid decisions. So we'll step up to help shoulder the burden where we can.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Jun 25, 2021 9:37:17 GMT -5
You could have irritable bowel syndrome. Take a wild guess what my main symptom was. See if you can get into a gastroenterologist. Or a food allergy.
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Jun 25, 2021 10:09:34 GMT -5
BTW, boys and girls, Christmas is six months from today. Have you done your shopping yet? No, but I am delivering some of last Christmas' gifts this weekend .
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buystoys
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Post by buystoys on Jun 25, 2021 12:16:02 GMT -5
I'm going to be staying with my mom (babysitting as she calls it) for a couple of Mondays in July. Normally I don't mind it as we talk and she does her sketching while I read. I'm kind of dreading these times though. The last two times I was there, she was pissed off at my sister. I don't know exactly what happened. I don't want to know what happened. it's none of my business. Mom pretends she's not angry when sis is around. Sis pretends to not notice the anger. It's a bit uncomfortable to say the least. I suspect it has something to do with taking care of my dad. Dad is blind and going deaf. He and mom got to the point where they couldn't afford their bills every month, so moved in with my sis and BIL. Mom was happy about it at first because sis was going to take over caring for dad and give mom a break. A few months later, mom is diagnosed with lung cancer. She went through treatment and is OK for now. Mom told me a few months ago that she gets angry at sis because she pays all her attention to dad. Mom felt like she deserved to be the center of attention since she had cancer. I get it, but the situation is such that dad needs daily assistance to live and mom doesn't at this point. I think that's the cause of the current friction between mom and sis. Sis probably did something for dad that mom didn't like or it wasn't done the way mom would do it. Because that's also a problem. If sis does something differently than mom did it, it's wrong. I don't expect any answers on this. I just wanted to vent because I'm starting to dread the days I promised to stay with mom. I can't back out though because sis has to take dad to his appointments and mom won't go along with them. There's no one else available those days or I wouldn't be doing it.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 25, 2021 12:27:21 GMT -5
I feel you buystoys. I REALLY actually don't want to visit my grandma right now. I never have liked visiting and it's been hard to explain to DH that because of how far they have lived away from us most of my life that I never really developed that "grandma" relationship with her. She stopped doing all her hobbies and sits like a bump on a log so we don't even have that in common anymore. Add in she feels the need to constantly bash my mother in front of me. I'm sure my dad is not in her favor right now either since he's trying to move her into assisted living so I'm sure I will hear about that. Then there are my own feelings about the current situation I will have to keep a lid on. But I will do it it for my parents. I keep reminding myself that I want my dad around long enough to see his grandkids graduate and that's not going to happen if grandma drives him into the ground. So I'll bite my lip and take over for a weekend so they can escape. I am real glad that Bonny started this thread because I need other people to talk to who have been there. ETA: I think the day is coming where my dad might actually murder my grandmother. So he talked to her again last night and she has put her foot down. She REFUSES to acknowledge that she is old, has memory problems and has created a situation where she really shouldn't be living on her own. She has to go somewhere because GU will be coming home and cannot cater to her. Nope she'd rather die first and if she keeps it up may get her wish. So the solution for them to at least go on vacation is move her ass back out to Treynor. DH and I will go out there several times over the holiday weekend to check up on her. I told mom if dad wants he can also leave us a list of minor household tasks that might need done like mowing the lawn and we'll take care of that as well. Then they will deal with a permeant solution when they get back. Dad may have to accept that she is going to die in that house, possibly quite badly due to a fall in the garage and then lay there for days till the neighbor checks in. It will be awful and we'll all question ourselves but that is apparently how grandma intends to go. I don't want my kids to lose their grandfather at an early age because she is pathologically incapable of letting go of the notion that the men in her life (GU, my dad, DH. My brother told her to go F herself a long time ago) exists to take care of her. I might have to take a Xanax before I go out there it may be the only way I don't read her the riot act.
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finnime
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Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.
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Post by finnime on Jun 25, 2021 12:45:43 GMT -5
I understand how rough that must be, buystoys. You staying with your mother on Mondays does help out everyone, including especially your sister. It's too bad your mother is demanding in that way.
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myrrh
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Post by myrrh on Jun 25, 2021 14:13:08 GMT -5
Buystoys and Drama, I really feel for you. I don't want to spend any time visiting FIL either, but no other family is nearby and we are 20 minutes away from the retirement home. DH is pretty well done with him, he's treated DH awfully over the years. It's too bad the retirement home is not in SIL's state, but I'm pretty sure FIL would refuse to move that far (it's about 2000 miles away). SIL1 tried to get him to move in with her a few years back, he stayed two weeks and then took off without telling anyone and showed up back home a few days later. He always has a different excuse when you ask why he left. The mobile home is in bad shape, it was poorly constructed to begin with and FIL does not do maintenance. DH has done some work to it over the years as partial thanks for MIL's help with childcare and FIL always got pissy about it. I would not feel comfortable with anyone living there without some serious repairs. For example, there are soft spots in the floor because all it is is particle board and there have been a few spills over the years. As far as the kids are concerned, it can burn to the ground; the only thing that is worth anything is the property. Bonny, the idea about the ugly mobile home buyers is a good one, I'll have to see if anyone will go that far to take a look. This weekend we are taking off; next weekend I'll probably go out there, throw out as much trash as I can, and get any unopened, unexpired food and give it to the food bank.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jun 25, 2021 15:30:17 GMT -5
buystoys Is there something small/special that you can do for your mom so that she knows she's "seen?" I know you said you were just venting, but maybe if the weather is nice, would sketching in a park somewhere work? Actually if I just communicate to my mom that I'm thinking about her, it seems to soften her quite a bit. Monday and Tuesday she was ready to cut me off. But, she's been having a better couple of days. The difference was I was more vocal that I was thinking about her, and yes, while she is alone (of her doing) she's not forgotten.
NomoreDramaQ1015 Are you still doing embroidery? Bring it! When I had just about had it with mom, I got a hat going. Turns out, I knit super fast when I'm pissed, so I got a lot done. But, it allowed me to engage in some self-care and mindfulness (aka, I can tune out the b*tching). It created just enough space where I didn't literally need to bite my tongue. Plus, I can look down and grunt at appropriate points in the conversation, rather than actually be expected to be completely engaged in a face-to-face conversation.
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Deleted
Joined: Mar 28, 2024 10:32:02 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2021 15:31:45 GMT -5
You could have irritable bowel syndrome. Take a wild guess what my main symptom was. See if you can get into a gastroenterologist. Yeah. I'm thinking that, too. I tried to get an appointment with a gastro doc at Kaiser. Sure. Soonest available among four docs and a PA is end of July. No point in trying to call because the call either goes to VM or to a message that tells me my wait time is....more than 30 minutes. Ugh. When it hits, it's not like I can go to urgent care at KP. When it hits, it hits. I dunno what to do. I could start with my PCP, but she'll refer me to gastro...where no appointments are available until the end of time.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Jun 25, 2021 15:36:38 GMT -5
I would call the PCP and see if they can get you into the gastro dr sooner. Sometimes if it's a referral, you can get in sooner.
It sucks when the wait times are so long.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2021 15:44:39 GMT -5
wvugurl26 It's Kaiser so my PCP would write the referral but it would still be up to me to get an appointment. Frustrating to say the least
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buystoys
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Post by buystoys on Jun 25, 2021 15:45:10 GMT -5
buystoys Is there something small/special that you can do for your mom so that she knows she's "seen?" I know you said you were just venting, but maybe if the weather is nice, would sketching in a park somewhere work? Actually if I just communicate to my mom that I'm thinking about her, it seems to soften her quite a bit. Monday and Tuesday she was ready to cut me off. But, she's been having a better couple of days. The difference was I was more vocal that I was thinking about her, and yes, while she is alone (of her doing) she's not forgotten.
NomoreDramaQ1015 Are you still doing embroidery? Bring it! When I had just about had it with mom, I got a hat going. Turns out, I knit super fast when I'm pissed, so I got a lot done. But, it allowed me to engage in some self-care and mindfulness (aka, I can tune out the b*tching). It created just enough space where I didn't literally need to bite my tongue. Plus, I can look down and grunt at appropriate points in the conversation, rather than actually be expected to be completely engaged in a face-to-face conversation. Last time I "watched" her, I took her to get a nail fixed then we went out for breakfast. She's OK with me, but once my sister came home, you could feel the chill. It's gone on long enough that I'm afraid she's going to want me to take sides. I don't want to do that as I think my sister is admirable for taking them in like she did. Some of it might also be my own feelings of guilt. DH and I were going to take them in when we moved here almost eight years ago, but things blew up and that didn't happen. It was so bad that it won't ever be fixed for DH (I don't blame him) and I didn't talk to my folks for a couple of years. So things are a little fragile for me as it is.
Maybe that's the crux of it. I love my mom and I want her to be happy. But I don't think she can ever BE happy in her current situation. She's not the boss any longer and that eats at her. She can't be alone any longer and that eats at her. The only person she's in charge of is herself and that's not enough for her. I just don't want to make things worse, but I'm not going to take sides in her argument with sis.
I'll deal with it as best I can when I'm there. It's always worse in my mind than it is in actuality. So far, anyway.
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