stillmovingforward
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Post by stillmovingforward on Jul 22, 2021 0:35:42 GMT -5
Sitting in ER with my mom. For the 3rd time in 2 months. She will not go to a doctor or ER unless we force her. But she needed to go. So here I sit with her. She gets so lost and confused with all the comings and goings. I feel bad for her.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Jul 22, 2021 3:33:36 GMT -5
Is there something for which she can be treated that would prevent the need for ER visits?
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 22, 2021 6:57:19 GMT -5
Sitting in ER with my mom. For the 3rd time in 2 months. She will not go to a doctor or ER unless we force her. But she needed to go. So here I sit with her. She gets so lost and confused with all the comings and goings. I feel bad for her.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jul 22, 2021 8:13:31 GMT -5
Yes hugs.
My mom loved to go to the ER. She complain all week about not feeling well but refuse our pleas to go to a doctor. Then on Friday evening her condition suddenly would get worse and she would have dad call 911.
She also liked to be hospitalized because "they wait on me".
But go to a doctor for a regular check up for anything, never happened.
I went down once to take her to the doctor on a Friday because she had bronchitis. She kept saying on the way there that the doctor would put her in the hospital. He x-rayed her lungs and showed us that she did not have pneumonia. A panic attack ensued because she didn't want to go home and take care of herself.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 22, 2021 8:54:01 GMT -5
Yes hugs. My mom loved to go to the ER. She complain all week about not feeling well but refuse our pleas to go to a doctor. Then on Friday evening her condition suddenly would get worse and she would have dad call 911. She also liked to be hospitalized because "they wait on me". But go to a doctor for a regular check up for anything, never happened. I went down once to take her to the doctor on a Friday because she had bronchitis. She kept saying on the way there that the doctor would put her in the hospital. He x-rayed her lungs and showed us that she did not have pneumonia. A panic attack ensued because she didn't want to go home and take care of herself. Your mom is my MIL? I told DH once I am surprised they don't have a wing dedicated to her considering how much money she has poured into her coffers. SIL had a come to jesus talk with her after the knee incident. She said you either knock it off and do what the doctor tells you or you go into a home. She told MIL that DH and BIL were in agreement with her so all three of them were going to shove her in one if she didn't cooperate. She cooperated. Unfortunately my dad can't do that with my grandma there is nobody to help him gang up on her. GU is even worse because my dad is not an immediate family member. GU is being a real ass in regards to what happened. He's lying his butt off and insisting that my grandmother can take care of him. My parents said absolutely not she's in no condition to care for him after his stupid accident. His house is a major fire hazard that my dad is sure will be condemned when he dies so it's not safe for a blind person. GU insists he can still cook despite being blind and having no therapy sessions to teach him how to do it. It's a total nightmare. Once he's out of the hospital that is it he's on his own. My mom has stressed to dad his focus needs to be on his mother. We don't need a bonus stubborn mean old fart. It was GU's choice not to set things up for elder care despite knowing full well he had no wife/children of his own. It's not my dad's duty to step in. Grandma is doing somewhat better now that she is back at her own house. GU did not have the proper set up he had a freaking port-a-potty in his living room for her. She's got issues but she's not a helpless invalid. However she is still calling the resturant constantly preventing customers from getting through (she knows my dad screens his cell phone and only answers when he's not occupied). She had a #2 accident and left the clothes for two days on the bathtub. She refuses to get new glasses because those cost money so she can't really see so didn't get it cleaned up very well. My dad had to get on his hands/knees to clean it up. He threw out her clothes. She won't get a better walker because it would cost her $200. My dad is going to buy it for her and make her use it. WTF is wrong with some old people? We actually do know now how much she is sitting on and it is more than enough to pay for a freaking $200 walker? Why would you want the shitty walker with tennis balls that will turn you into a hunchback just so you can save $200? For WHAT?! I don't want it, my brother doesn't want it, my dad doesn't want it we'd much prefer she spend it on herself and stop being a PITA. Why should WE have to take on the expense of her new glasses and walker when we have bills we still gotta pay? Between my grandfather's pension, her SS and what has in the bank PLUS possibly drawing on his VA benefits if my mom can figure it out she could afford to hire out all the shit she has my dad do and have money left to spare at this stage in her life. Is that a depression era thing or something? I could get if she was in her 50s-60s and needed to make the money last another 20-30 years but she's in her mid 80s. Spend the freaking $200 at this point in your life. What is it with that generation and the expectation their kids were put on this Earth to care for them in old age? That all my dad's time and money needs to go to her now because she shoved him out her hoo ha 62 years ago? So glad my parents don't view my brother and I that way. Mom and I have talked a little about her because her parents were the same way but I just can't imagine how it feels to know that's the only reason your parents had you while in the same breath they accuse you of trying to steal all their assests. Sure makes you feel like taking care of them huh?
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snapdragon
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Post by snapdragon on Jul 22, 2021 9:52:45 GMT -5
Hugs Drama -
I well remember my Mom telling me that the reason she had kids was so she had slaves. Yes she said slave. I wasn't even 10 yet and I knew there was no way in hell I was going to be taking care of her like that. I came close a few times but managed to wiggle and squirm out of some than most of the caretaking duties.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 22, 2021 11:02:52 GMT -5
And for what purpose is she not spending the money? To leave a legacy? Who is going to be there to take it if we are all dead from exhaustion taking care of her cheap ass? I also pointed out if we wanted it that bad then she played right into our hands all we have to do is wait for her to fall, hit her head and nobody notices for three days because she lives alone in the middle of nowhere. Trying to get her to move into a $3k a month senior apartment (that's with all the trimmings) is not a good way to get someone's money. Clearly grandma does not watch Discovery ID otherwise she'd be moving her ass there instead of letting us take her back to the house.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 22, 2021 11:18:12 GMT -5
Drama, My great aunts would have been 100 or so, by now, so not much older than your grandma. The youngest one in the family was discouraged from marrying so she could take care of her parents and siblings. That particular aunt never did marry. She didn't even work a whole lot, either outside the home. Menial/entry level jobs here and there. It is also fear and being disordered/dysfunctional. The grandmothers on DH's side of the family didn't behave like your grandmother or my mother. My inlaws do not behave like my mother.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jul 22, 2021 11:44:40 GMT -5
My dad’s youngest sister never married. She lived at home and took care of her parents. She also worked at Wall Street and had a fairly high position there when she retired. Grandma died while I was in college, so she must have been in her mid 40s. Grandpa died about 6 years later. At that point, she was dating a widower but still had to look after her dad. She told my dad that Bob had asked her to marry him at grandpa’s funeral, but the priest told her that a respectful mourning period was 2 years. My dad told her that she was done caretaking, get married when she wanted and screw the priest’s suggestions. She got married about 6 months later, as soon as she could organize things. She is now back in her caretaker’s role, as Bob has Alzheimer’s. She is 75 years old, and by my calculations has been caretaking for a good 40 years.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 22, 2021 12:22:56 GMT -5
It was already made clear my mom and I aren't taking care of her. #1 my mom hates her and already helped take care of her own mother. #2 I have children and a job and I am not her daughter. My dad challenged her over the fact she can't walk, she can't lift herself in the car how the heck does she think I'm going to get her into my vehicle? She almost caused us to both go down at the gardens when she didn't get out of the wheelchair right and grabbed me before I could prepare myself. Fortunately a very nice couple came to the rescue. Boy did I have to hear about busy bodies after that, next time I'll tell them let her fall to the floor. And no she will NOT be calling my husband in as caretaker so she can get that notion out of her head. Dad read her the riot act after the cheeseburger incident. It was made clear when she had a temper tantrum over my dad not breaking up with my mother and moving to Kansas, and again when she moved out there that our lives were not going to revolve around her. She made her decisions on where to live. My dad isn't ever going to abandon her but we're not on this Earth so she can die with money in the bank.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 22, 2021 12:52:33 GMT -5
Drama, what was the cheeseburger incident? You've referenced it a couple of times but I must have missed the original post on it.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 22, 2021 13:05:51 GMT -5
Drama, what was the cheeseburger incident? You've referenced it a couple of times but I must have missed the original post on it. My great uncle called DH at 9:30 pm at night saying my grandmother couldn't feed herself and he needed to bring her food. DH wasn't going to do it but then she kept guliting him about how she couldn't use the stove, would possibly set fire to the house with the microwave etc. So he drove all the way out there with McDonald's at 9:30 when it started to blizzard. She hopped right off the couch when he got there like nothing happened. He was livid. This was after she and GU called him and I at least four times a day with various crap, bashed my parents over daring to go on vacation and were all around PITAs. We tried not to tell my dad about it because we didn't want to stress him out more but turns out they had been calling him the same amount out in Colorado (they made their way down the chain to us) so he was already aware. He tore her a new one and said in no uncertain terms are you to not call DH for that and it's her own damn fault for not living where there is ubereats or doordash. She could have made herself a peanut butter sandwich. They were both told not to call us anymore after that. PERIOD. He took our numbers off her fridge. Call him or if it's an emergency call 911 (because it's a 45 minute drive what the hell are we going to do?). We work and can get in trouble if we're on the phone 24/7 with them. Also we would not be her food runners anymore, if she can't feed herself then she can't be living alone. You can't have it both ways grandma.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jul 22, 2021 15:47:32 GMT -5
My mom cried wolf on the ambulance too many times. Dad quit calling 911 and her youngest brother, who she would call, quit taking her to the ER.
By the time she moved here, there were several trips to the ER but they were necessary. By then she had a serious heart condition that was not diagnosed by the rural area doctors she had seen. She loved her walker and said to get her the fanciest one they had. So that's what she got. She also used a wheel chair with no problems. That one isn't for someone who only uses a wheel chair. It's just for someone who uses it to get to the car or to the doctor. My sister's beautician came to her apartment to do her hair. I'm glad mom was able to determine for herself when she had enough. She decided after consultation with a hospitalist that it was time for her to go in to hospice care.
She did refuse the hospital bed hospice kept wanting to bring her. She said until the very end "she wasn't that sick". That is why she died in her recliner. The hospice nurses could get the recliner in a position where they could work on her, which they couldn't do in her bed. She always had to have a fan on her at all times.
Her last trip to the hospital by ambulance was on New Year's Eve. It was snowing and below zero. My sister said the ambulance wasn't all that warm and she kept telling them to open the windows. They finally did. Same thing once they got her to a room, but the windows didn't open. So they brought in several fans for her. They were not hot spells. She was had always been hot. That's why after she passed my dad turned the thermostat up to 80 degrees. He said he had frozen for 67 years and he was going to be warm now.
Dad refused to use a cane, walker and wheel chair. We took mom's walker to him. He was too proud to use any of the devices so by the time he had to use a wheel chair, he had no choice.
I am single. I have my niece and 3 nephews. Niece is a nurse. One nephew is married and one is engaged. The other shows no signs of marrying but who knows.
I didn't choose to be single. I never found the right person. I thought I had twice, but I was wrong that they were the right person.
My niece is my medical POA and I believe she will follow my wishes. My single nephew is my financial POA and I know he will follow my wishes. I took them out to eat individually and we had long conversations before I wrote the will with them in it. They agreed to do what I will need.
My sister thought I was a baby when I had my gall bladder out, but my home health care nurse and my niece did not agree. My niece thought her mother was way too hard on me so she did a lot of things for me (like bringing me groceries and just being here when I showered) that her mother never knew about.
I hope it's a long time and my niece's kids, who are now in middle school and high school, will be out of the house and between all of them, they can care for me.
Knowing I will be alone is also the reason I volunteered to be a rep payee. All of my clients were not married. Excepting the crazy lady, the elderly ones had all outlived there money. One had outlived three husbands and could not have children. None had children except for the crazy lady. She was not in the same situation at all when compared to those in nursing homes. My surprise came when the first nursing home client died and the vultures came out wanting her money. Well, when you have been in a nursing home for 20 years and you have not bothered to visit these people and they were on Medicaid in their final years, there wasn't any money. All the money I had in their bank accounts went to the state.
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stillmovingforward
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Post by stillmovingforward on Jul 22, 2021 23:17:51 GMT -5
Is there something for which she can be treated that would prevent the need for ER visits? We don't know. The first time we thought it was an anomaly. The second time she was like 'they gave me medication and I got better. And its something totally different.' This time, I think we've convinced her to see a new primary care doctor. Unlike Drama's (and others) grandmother, my mother is fairly sweet and tries very hard to be helpful and no trouble. She truly doesn't want to go to the doctor because she says they have important things to do and she isn't that sick. It seems her generation is either 'look at me, I need all the help' or 'Nope, I'm not actively dying so I'm good.' And this is also raising the issue of her mortality and that she is well above the average lifespan. Its hard to see her so frail and confused. Then she gets better and is her normal spunky self.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Jul 23, 2021 9:51:34 GMT -5
Is that a depression era thing or something? I could get if she was in her 50s-60s and needed to make the money last another 20-30 years but she's in her mid 80s. Spend the freaking $200 at this point in your life. What is it with that generation and the expectation their kids were put on this Earth to care for them in old age? That all my dad's time and money needs to go to her now because she shoved him out her hoo ha 62 years ago? So glad my parents don't view my brother and I that way. Mom and I have talked a little about her because her parents were the same way but I just can't imagine how it feels to know that's the only reason your parents had you while in the same breath they accuse you of trying to steal all their assests. Sure makes you feel like taking care of them huh? The thing I find ironic is that my MIL was never a caregiver herself. However she expects everyone to serve her. I'm glad I started this thread. It's good to know we're all battling these same situations and we're not alone.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Jul 23, 2021 17:06:31 GMT -5
Is that a depression era thing or something? I could get if she was in her 50s-60s and needed to make the money last another 20-30 years but she's in her mid 80s. Spend the freaking $200 at this point in your life. What is it with that generation and the expectation their kids were put on this Earth to care for them in old age? That all my dad's time and money needs to go to her now because she shoved him out her hoo ha 62 years ago? So glad my parents don't view my brother and I that way. Mom and I have talked a little about her because her parents were the same way but I just can't imagine how it feels to know that's the only reason your parents had you while in the same breath they accuse you of trying to steal all their assests. Sure makes you feel like taking care of them huh? The thing I find ironic is that my MIL was never a caregiver herself. However she expects everyone to serve her.I'm glad I started this thread. It's good to know we're all battling these same situations and we're not alone. See but therein lies the difference. Caregiving For most is an act of love. Servitude is what she thinks she is owed. It is (in her opinion) her RIGHT! And when your DH tries to help her he is just doing what he is supposed to do and he better do it just the way she wants it and whenever she wants it. I don't believe there is a disconnect in her mind
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stillmovingforward
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Post by stillmovingforward on Jul 23, 2021 17:29:57 GMT -5
Beautiful! We'll caregive her. Servitude is a hard 'hell no'! Thankfully, minimal caregiving is all she expects.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 23, 2021 17:57:02 GMT -5
GU went home. As predicted it's a cluster fuck. He was released with no services set up because the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing.
He's 100% blind so what does the VNA do? Sends a 64 page pdf to my parents email for him to electronically sign.
My mom chewed them out and said if there was somebody to read him a 64 page contract and get him set up to even use a computer as a blind person why would they need home care for him?
Then my grandma is her usual self. She got cranky my dad isn't bringing her groceries on demand. He goes out there twice a week and she has food.
So she said she'd call DH and got torn a new one over that again.
It's like Treynor is not even on the map. NOTHING is out there or services the area.
Fine for people my age who want the big Mcmansion in the boonies. Not good for elderly people who can't drive or walk anywhere.
Told DH aren't you grateful now my parents are across the street?😉
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Jul 23, 2021 18:44:57 GMT -5
Is there something for which she can be treated that would prevent the need for ER visits? We don't know. The first time we thought it was an anomaly. The second time she was like 'they gave me medication and I got better. And its something totally different.' This time, I think we've convinced her to see a new primary care doctor. Unlike Drama's (and others) grandmother, my mother is fairly sweet and tries very hard to be helpful and no trouble. She truly doesn't want to go to the doctor because she says they have important things to do and she isn't that sick. It seems her generation is either 'look at me, I need all the help' or 'Nope, I'm not actively dying so I'm good.' And this is also raising the issue of her mortality and that she is well above the average lifespan. Its hard to see her so frail and confused. Then she gets better and is her normal spunky self. Sounds a bit like my Mom when she used to get UTI's. Don't know why folks get confused when they get those types of infections. Wishing you & her the very best in her recovery!
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bookkeeper
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Post by bookkeeper on Jul 28, 2021 10:28:49 GMT -5
Mom is having a twist in her underwear over her refrigerator. Her side by side frig is 20 years old and she thinks it runs too much. It does run a lot because her house is 80 degrees and there is very little food in the frig. She insists something must be done, but won't go buy a new smaller refrigerator. My brother assured her that a brand new frig would actually need to run as well. She has never been very good at mechanical thinking. When she runs out of things to complain about, back we go to the refrigerator and how it runs all the time.
My brother stopped by her house for their 5 o'clock news and happy hour ritual yesterday. He text me that she was gone and the frig was not running. I think we know who the culprit is.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 28, 2021 13:42:05 GMT -5
Mom thought her chest freezer might have died. It didn't, which I am grateful for. Because that would have a meant a trip home. Rotting food is a hard no. But it sounds like she's interested in replacing it at some point. It's a big chest freezer. Think big enough to preserve enough fruit for a family for for an entire winter.
A single elderly person doesn't need to replace something that big. And mom is not actively going to u-pick farms to pick enough strawberries to pack the trunk of a car. (Yes, we played strawberry-basket tetris quite a bit.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2021 13:56:50 GMT -5
On the subject of old folks and UTIs...I have no idea why old people get confused when they get UTIs. I'm old. I had a UTI at the end of May and another one just a week ago. I didn't get confused. Hope confusion isn't what I have to look forard to! bookkeeper Does she watch for you and open the fridge door until you get in the house? LOL giramomma How likely is it that you can convince her to get a small freezer...small like the size of a dorm fridge? Or maybe one a little bigger than that? Or is she one of those "this is the way I've always done it" people? One person? A freezer? Geez. I only have the freezer on the top of my fridge, and except for when there's a holiday coming (because DD uses it then), it's usually only about half full.
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bookkeeper
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Post by bookkeeper on Jul 28, 2021 21:20:03 GMT -5
Since we split time between two houses, I became very aware of how much food we accumulate and how old it gets. I try to leave very little meat behind in either refrigerator in case of an appliance failure. DH and I were just talking today about how much food we purchase and donating it to people we know who have foster kids or are raising their grandkids. I married a fisherman and we live on a river. If the fish are biting, it can add up.
For my Mom, I use the sharpie method. All the food remaining in her house every spring gets a big X on the label. It gets pitched once it is out of date, and the marking system speeds up the process. Easy to tell what is old food and what is new. My mom won't throw food away, so someone has to. My brother and I take a load to the every year after she leaves for TX. I may be harsh for cleaning out her house the way I do, but my brother and I are the only people who have cleaned her house for the last 10 years. So this is the way.
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bookkeeper
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Post by bookkeeper on Jul 28, 2021 21:25:38 GMT -5
On the subject of UTI's and the elderly, with my mother she is often dehydrated when a UTI strikes. The combination of dehydration and a bacterial infection can really send some people for a loop. A few hours later with an IV and she is back in action.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 28, 2021 21:47:42 GMT -5
I may be harsh for cleaning out her house the way I do, but my brother and I are the only people who have cleaned her house for the last 10 years. So this is the way. I don't think it's harsh. I think it's smart. I wish my mom would let me clean the house. She's just focused on throwing dad's things out. She did let me deep clean the bathroom he pooped, in as she just did a quick clean. It's all she had time for before he went into the hospital.
She has lights that don't work, but won't let me change them. She won't let me dust or get rid of cobwebs. I'm not sure how much she cleans floors.
She thought she might start working on repairing the house this summer. That didn't happen. What isn't falling apart/broken is over 40 years old.
I can't do anything without her approval. One of the last times I was at home, Mom picked a fight with me because I didn't ask Mom if I could through away a key to a lock she replaced. IOW, the key didn't work. I dug that sucker out of the trash, washed it, and put it back where it where she could see it.
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Ava
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Post by Ava on Jul 30, 2021 7:11:38 GMT -5
My mother arrived last Saturday. There was a "honeymoon" period for the first few days but now we're back to normal.
She's been criticizing the state of my house, rearranging, moving and cleaning everything. She loudly disagrees with the way I treat Dali. Worst of all, as always, she's fixated on my health. I told her I'm going to the doctor in October. I have "white coat syndrome" and I'm getting ready for it. Also, I've been working on food and exercise for the last three weeks and I want my test results to reflect that when I go. If I go now I'll get bad results, when I'm already working on improving. She believes I'm going in October because there are no earlier appointments, not because that's what I want. Whatever, I'll take it. But I have a red spot on my leg that looks like eczema. She saw it and has been repeating 4 and 5 times a day that I need to go to a dermatologist or a clinic right now. I tell her "no, I'll have my doctor take a look in October". Two or three hour later she repeats that I have to go to a clinic or dermatologist now, ad infinitum.
Right or wrong, it's my life, my body and my decision.
Add to that the fact that I'm working from home and we're together all day. Too much for me. It has been raining almost every day. We've been stuck at home with nowhere to go. Can't go to the beach. The YMCA has closed the pool until mid-August to do maintenance and repairs. Swimming is the only exercise she can do. I took her to the town's green on Tuesday to see a summer concert. We'd been there 5 minutes and there was a thunderstorm. Concert cancelled, I had to run to the car and bring it around while she waited under a roof.
I missed her for 18 months and I wanted to see her, but I'm starting to seriously regret inviting her.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Jul 30, 2021 7:40:02 GMT -5
Ava, have you discussed with your therapist techniques for asserting boundaries? Maybe that would help. For example, you explain once that you have a schedule for medical treatment that meets all your needs and won't discuss it further. If she brings it up again, walk away and do something else.
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giramomma
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 11:25:27 GMT -5
Posts: 21,374
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Post by giramomma on Jul 30, 2021 8:52:52 GMT -5
Has your therapist also talked to you about grieving the relationship with your mom? I literally had to work through all the stages to get to acceptance.
There were definitely times when my parents and I were low/no contact where I missed having a mom. But, it was the mom I needed, not the mom I have. Also, consider that your mom is testing your boundaries. She's going to try to see if your new boundaries are for show or if you really mean them.
Every time your mom rearranges "Oh, hey mom.. The silverware goes in this drawer right here. (Then put it there), not where you had it. If you have questions about where things go, let me know.!"
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Ava
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 30, 2011 12:23:55 GMT -5
Posts: 4,178
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Post by Ava on Jul 30, 2021 8:56:22 GMT -5
I'm working on this with my therapist. Definitely I wasn't ready yet for 24hrs. a day together, for 3 months.
I shouldn't have invited her to come over. I'm dealing as I can.
I will tell her I'm receiving the care I need and I won't discuss my health issues with her. But it's really tough to be all day under her constant questioning. I don't think I can do this for 3 months.
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bookkeeper
Well-Known Member
Joined: Mar 30, 2012 13:40:42 GMT -5
Posts: 1,699
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Post by bookkeeper on Jul 30, 2021 9:12:56 GMT -5
When our sons were in high school they trained us by only answering 3 questions per day. That's it. You got 3 questions about their day/personal lives and then you were done. They simply ignored us if we pushed further and stood by their boundaries. I think it is a good system. It makes you think before you actually speak.
We of course communicated freely about anything that had to do with their safety, health or well being. People need some privacy, not to be hounded continually about what another person thinks is important.
Ava, please give yourself some personal time and space during your mother's visit. My mom was here for 10 days recently and by the end, I really needed to be in a room by myself.
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