swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 16, 2021 22:05:29 GMT -5
My dad has one of the life alert buttons. So far he’s set it off fixing an air conditioner, carrying a small home safe, and trimming hedges.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 16, 2021 22:10:06 GMT -5
Speaking of annoying old,people who,shouldn’t be living alone, my mom’s brother. He’s 86. His girl friend lives 4 hours away. He regularly drives there. His right leg gives out and has some neuropathy so driving is probably a bad idea.
The other day he fell and cut his arm pretty bad. He called my dad to take him to the hospital. My dad just spent 5 yams taking care of my mom with dementia and now he’s got her brother calling him, and he doesn’t even like the guy. He’s kind of a dick.
Maybe I need to send a FB message to his daughters to give them a heads ups. They live out west. I don’t think they like him either.
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stillmovingforward
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Post by stillmovingforward on Jun 17, 2021 10:59:32 GMT -5
Send them the message. He's their problem, not your dad's or yours. Cruel, but true.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 18, 2021 8:06:08 GMT -5
So GU is blind in both eyes, like blind as a bat blind. The doctors don't think he needs to be in a nursing home, that being in an environment he's already familiar with is fine. However he would require assistance, which obviously cannot come from my grandma. Fortunately Omaha/Millard has excellent elder care services available unlike Treynor Iowa where nobody will go unless you pay them in amounts that require selling organs to achieve. So my dad is working with the hospital to get that set up. Meals on Wheels has resumed operations and they DO service the Millard area so my mom is getting that set up. So despite this all being mess I suppose it's better dad forcibly moved my grandma out of Treynor rather than GU's idea of moving out there. We would have been really screwed. My dad is also trying to sort out the truth regarding grandma. According to GU she is a complete invalid. According to her she is "fine". We need to figure out who is exaggerating/manipulating. My mom and DH thinks grandma is manipulating everyone with the invalid schtick, DH is still mad about the cheeseburger incident. Obviously if she cannot feed herself or get out of bed my dad is going to stick her in a home, which I think he needs to get real threatening about because if she IS lying the idea of being forcibly fed should put the fear of God into her and she will stop. That worked with my MIL and her "I can't walk!" drama. When SIL told her we know you are martyring yourself either you follow the doctor's instructions or we stick you in a home she practically tap danced out of the hospital. So dad is dragging grandma back to the doctor because if she needs the level of care GU says she does a home nurse isn't going to cut it, she has to go to a place where there is always someone available. She keeps bothering him about my GU's church. Dad said the day he contacts them will be the day GU is dead. The reason for this is the last time there was an issue my parents were out of town and didn't know it. They were already on the way back home when they found out and my dad went straight to the hospital. The minister was there and got in my dad's face about being a horrible person for daring to go on vacation and how he had no business doing anything beyond taking care of his elderly relatives. I am surprised he didn't punch the guy, I would have. Yet not a single one of these so called Christians has bothered to do ANYTHING to help. One of you could have mowed his lawn so he wasn't doing it (that's what happened and he was wearing what we can best describe as aviator goggles so he wouldn't get something in his eye ). Not a single one of you has volunteered to sit with my grandmother or bring them some food so they don't have to cook. Apparently being a good Christian only applies when you have an opportunity to judge someone else. Why isn't hte minister helping to take care of his flock? Why aren't they following the teachings of Jesus and helping those in need? You were apparently able to stay at the hospital long enough to wait for my dad to show up and lecture him, bet you could mow grass in the same amount of time.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Jun 18, 2021 8:56:17 GMT -5
This is bad, Drama, but may be the lever needed to actuate changes. Best to your dad.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 18, 2021 9:44:09 GMT -5
This is bad, Drama, but may be the lever needed to actuate changes. Best to your dad. Yeah we know. My mom keeps reminding him we can only control what we can control. I did the same when I was working out there regularly. You can't make "competent" old people do stuff they don't want to do and while it is painful we will have to come to terms with the consequences (my bigger worry is they take out innocent bystanders). She's also trying to get him to focus on grandma, she's the only one he has any power to do anything about limited as that may be. It's infuriating. I told my mom the behavior on both their parts is absolutely sick and abusive to my dad. I get that he's not going to abandon his mother but as I have told him you owe NOTHING to GU. It was his choice to not not marry, not have kids and apparently do jack shit to prepare for old age. Inheriting old people should not be a thing. DH thinks that makes me sound inhumane but I don't care at this point. My mom has promised she will throw herself in front of a bus before she does this to me, I even have her permission to push her in front of it. Don't think I need to be quite THAT drastic but I appreciate my parents do not treat me like the sole reason I am on this earth is to cater to their old age. We really need to figure out how to either lower the bar or create a different bar for people like my grandma and GU. They pass every test with flying colors but physical evidence clearly shows they have no business being unsupervised. But since they are "competent" they can live alone and refuse any care we set up if they desire. That leaves a horrible and unfair burden on family members. I am all for taking care of your own but there is a freaking limit. It's not my dad's job to make sure my GU's house doesn't burn down because he DIYs electrical work. I get we don't want to be able to lock up grandma so we can seize her bank account to fund our vacation itinerary but JFC the bar is so high you got people who are running their cars into BK driving on the roads because the doctor says it's fine they passed the test.
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snapdragon
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Post by snapdragon on Jun 18, 2021 10:08:33 GMT -5
This is bad, Drama, but may be the lever needed to actuate changes. Best to your dad. Yeah we know. My mom keeps reminding him we can only control what we can control. I did the same when I was working out there regularly. You can't make "competent" old people do stuff they don't want to do and while it is painful we will have to come to terms with the consequences (my bigger worry is they take out innocent bystanders). She's also trying to get him to focus on grandma, she's the only one he has any power to do anything about limited as that may be. It's infuriating. I told my mom the behavior on both their parts is absolutely sick and abusive to my dad. I get that he's not going to abandon his mother but as I have told him you owe NOTHING to GU. It was his choice to not not marry, not have kids and apparently do jack shit to prepare for old age. Inheriting old people should not be a thing. DH thinks that makes me sound inhumane but I don't care at this point. My mom has promised she will throw herself in front of a bus before she does this to me, I even have her permission to push her in front of it. Don't think I need to be quite THAT drastic but I appreciate my parents do not treat me like the sole reason I am on this earth is to cater to their old age. We really need to figure out how to either lower the bar or create a different bar for people like my grandma and GU. They pass every test with flying colors but physical evidence clearly shows they have no business being unsupervised. But since they are "competent" they can live alone and refuse any care we set up if they desire. That leaves a horrible and unfair burden on family members. I am all for taking care of your own but there is a freaking limit. It's not my dad's job to make sure my GU's house doesn't burn down because he DIYs electrical work. I get we don't want to be able to lock up grandma so we can seize her bank account to fund our vacation itinerary but JFC the bar is so high you got people who are running their cars into BK driving on the roads because the doctor says it's fine they passed the test. I wonder if they passed the test due to the doctor never changing out posters or updating systems for testing. The people have had time to memorize the lines and that is what they do to pass. Sending hugs. It's never easy.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jun 18, 2021 10:41:09 GMT -5
No, it isn't easy.
BIL said it's next to impossible to get a doctor to say a person is incompetent to drive. He had taken his mother to the doctor for just that reason after she had 3 serious accidents in a short time and they were all her fault. Luckily, the worst one only involved her and a tree, no other people.
It took her getting the new insurance bill to get her to stop driving. She realized she couldn't pay that and pay her rent and eat. She called him early in the morning. He is a person who wakes up slowly but he took right off before she changed her mind. Had her sign the title over and took it to the courthouse.
She never drove again.
You all know to this day my sister doesn't think my dad has dementia. I still have the audio of that appointment and even though the doctor said he was doing fine "for his age", he clearly was not.
I think he would have had to have been hospitalized for falling or something for them to decide he had to move. Sadly, he was hospitalized for reasons much worse than a fall.
We did have an elderly woman who attended the church. She decided she only wanted to drive in her little town of 2000 people and only during the day so someone came out to her from the state to have her drive. Told she didn't need a restricted license. She let them have it about how she was not safe to drive on a highway or at night. Her license was restricted as she wanted. It wasn't long after that when she became homebound. First thing she did was sell the car.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 18, 2021 10:54:30 GMT -5
This is bad, Drama, but may be the lever needed to actuate changes. Best to your dad. Yeah we know. My mom keeps reminding him we can only control what we can control. I did the same when I was working out there regularly. You can't make "competent" old people do stuff they don't want to do and while it is painful we will have to come to terms with the consequences (my bigger worry is they take out innocent bystanders). She's also trying to get him to focus on grandma, she's the only one he has any power to do anything about limited as that may be. It's infuriating. I told my mom the behavior on both their parts is absolutely sick and abusive to my dad. I get that he's not going to abandon his mother but as I have told him you owe NOTHING to GU. It was his choice to not not marry, not have kids and apparently do jack shit to prepare for old age. Inheriting old people should not be a thing. DH thinks that makes me sound inhumane but I don't care at this point. My mom has promised she will throw herself in front of a bus before she does this to me, I even have her permission to push her in front of it. Don't think I need to be quite THAT drastic but I appreciate my parents do not treat me like the sole reason I am on this earth is to cater to their old age. Insulin shot between the toes.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 18, 2021 12:20:54 GMT -5
Yeah we know. My mom keeps reminding him we can only control what we can control. I did the same when I was working out there regularly. You can't make "competent" old people do stuff they don't want to do and while it is painful we will have to come to terms with the consequences (my bigger worry is they take out innocent bystanders). She's also trying to get him to focus on grandma, she's the only one he has any power to do anything about limited as that may be. It's infuriating. I told my mom the behavior on both their parts is absolutely sick and abusive to my dad. I get that he's not going to abandon his mother but as I have told him you owe NOTHING to GU. It was his choice to not not marry, not have kids and apparently do jack shit to prepare for old age. Inheriting old people should not be a thing. DH thinks that makes me sound inhumane but I don't care at this point. My mom has promised she will throw herself in front of a bus before she does this to me, I even have her permission to push her in front of it. Don't think I need to be quite THAT drastic but I appreciate my parents do not treat me like the sole reason I am on this earth is to cater to their old age. We really need to figure out how to either lower the bar or create a different bar for people like my grandma and GU. They pass every test with flying colors but physical evidence clearly shows they have no business being unsupervised. But since they are "competent" they can live alone and refuse any care we set up if they desire. That leaves a horrible and unfair burden on family members. I am all for taking care of your own but there is a freaking limit. It's not my dad's job to make sure my GU's house doesn't burn down because he DIYs electrical work. I get we don't want to be able to lock up grandma so we can seize her bank account to fund our vacation itinerary but JFC the bar is so high you got people who are running their cars into BK driving on the roads because the doctor says it's fine they passed the test. I wonder if they passed the test due to the doctor never changing out posters or updating systems for testing. The people have had time to memorize the lines and that is what they do to pass. Sending hugs. It's never easy. I was reading an article about that regarding PPD. The questions are outdated and rely too much on self reporting. I answered "no" because OF COURSE I was overwhelmed, OF COURSE I was tired I just had a freaking baby! I passed with flying colors there was "nothing wrong with me". If you had asked DH the questions or my mom the questions it would have presented a very different story. I get we don't want relatives lying to get people committed but the psych I was seeing said that the self evaluations for some of this stuff don't go deep enough. If my normal is every molecule in my body vibrates I don't have a baseline for what "normal" answers for the anxiety diagnosis questions are, my answers are honest answers as far as I know. Yet when he sat in front of me he could clearly see my answers did not fit. I imagine a lot of old people are in that stage too. It's not like my grandma became this way overnight. For those of us who don't see her very often though we can tell something is wrong. The current exam relies on HER being self aware/not stubborn enough to realize what is happening OR so far gone it's already too late.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 18, 2021 17:37:11 GMT -5
That minister is nosing around. He showed up at the hospital and the nurse told him EVERYTHING.
Without verifying he can even have it. We know he can't because my mom has the information release and GUs POA.
It's all in a text message. Mom told him save that she's reporting the nurse for HIPAA violation.
I don't like this. I am not convinced he's just there to check on his flock. Not after he tried to accuse my dad of neglect.
Wonder if my dad is a close enough relation he can ban visitors. What a mess.
And once more for those in back why wasn't this dude mowing the lawn to begin with?!
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Jun 18, 2021 17:41:24 GMT -5
Wow that does sound suspicious. And crazy stupid of the nurse who should know the privacy laws.
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stillmovingforward
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Post by stillmovingforward on Jun 18, 2021 17:57:47 GMT -5
Gramma can pass all the tests they throw at her. She can hold it together for a few hours (people visiting, etc.). Then you can see she's struggling. Thankfully, she lives with us and is very pleasant. Unless she has a UTI. When she gets snappy, that's how I know she has one.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 18, 2021 18:00:04 GMT -5
Wow that does sound suspicious. And crazy stupid of the nurse who should know the privacy laws. My mom still has a lot of contacts. She knows exactly how to climb the chain. Heads will roll.
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Works4me
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Post by Works4me on Jun 20, 2021 2:33:00 GMT -5
The thing is, it's not illegal to exercise poor judgement. Your G'ma & GU have the right to exercise poor judgement and make really decisions. By the same token, your father and family have the right to set limits and refuse to enable them.
Unfortunately, what is going on there is true enablement. Family care is what allows your G'ma and GU to live as they choose. They make unrealistic demands and do stupid shit without consequence - like mowing the lawn in goggles. It's not easy to say no. Refusing to enable an elderly loved one is one of the hardest things to do. Other people will judge them but sometimes it has to be done.
Sorry to be so harsh but often times there is no easy, nice or even good solution to situations like this. You're going to feel guilty no matter what you do or don't do. The only saving grace is the ability to choose which guilt to best live with.
Hang in there. Remember, modern elder care is one the hardest things there is to do in life. You and your family are doing an excellent job at it.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jun 20, 2021 7:18:03 GMT -5
I liked you post for the warning to others. Gramma doesn't realize the damage that laying and waiting for us can do. She's getting a watch next month. It's a gift for me, not from me. Just recently I spoke to someone about how the pandemic changed interactions. I've remembered the concept, but I may be wrong on the exact tech now. She has an IPad set up with one of her loved ones which actually allows her to call and get through without requiring acceptance of that call. Her phone apparently is the master of the tech. So in the discussion I was thinking about whether I could implement something similar with my Dad, and include my sisters. She said certain sizes of Ipads were getting cheap and I think she placed two there with a relative's help. It also allows this loved one to call her easily, as she has I think two Ipads set up in her apartment where she is most of the time. I'm not in IT anymore nor making near that kind of money, so I personally will have to probably do one and done unless I get my sibs buy in and $$ towards this. I think its Alexa that's used to control this, because the loved one asks Alexa to call her.
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Works4me
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Post by Works4me on Jun 20, 2021 10:52:14 GMT -5
O4CC - Great idea! Alexa is an Amazon product and they also make Kindle Fire tablets. I mention this because Amazon is having a big sale tomorrow and you could probably pick up the pair for a great price.
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ajmom
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Post by ajmom on Jun 21, 2021 9:54:08 GMT -5
Wow, Drama. I’m so sorry for what you and your Dad is going through... Maybe remind him that his Mom and GU would be safer in a nursing home since he can’t possibly watch them 24/7, so really the safest thing would be if they weren’t home by themselves. Can he get a social worker or a Doctor involved to explain the situation? Sorry — I know nothing, so I don’t mean to sound naive. I just feel for people in this situation.
My mom was very spoiled by my brothers. They were having a hard time taking care of her, so they hired a wonder up woman (who had taken care of my Aunt), and my mom didn’t want her. I thought that was very selfish of my mom, as my brothers deserved a break.
Now that mom is in assisted living, it’s so much easier on my brothers. One of my brothers had a wife who became very resentful of the situation, as she treated her mom very differently, and she let her feelings be known. I have some sympathy for her, but she knew the score before she married my brother, so she should have known he wouldn’t change for her.
Sending white light to your Dad’s situation. I hope he finds a good solution and soon.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 21, 2021 10:05:42 GMT -5
Wow, Drama. I’m so sorry for what you and your Dad is going through... Maybe remind him that his Mom and GU would be safer in a nursing home since he can’t possibly watch them 24/7, so really the safest thing would be if they weren’t home by themselves. Can he get a social worker or a Doctor involved to explain the situation? Sorry — I know nothing, so I don’t mean to sound naive. I just feel for people in this situation. My mom was very spoiled by my brothers. They were having a hard time taking care of her, so they hired a wonder up woman (who had taken care of my Aunt), and my mom didn’t want her. I thought that was very selfish of my mom, as my brothers deserved a break. Now that mom is in assisted living, it’s so much easier on my brothers. One of my brothers had a wife who became very resentful of the situation, as she treated her mom very differently, and she let her feelings be known. I have some sympathy for her, but she knew the score before she married my brother, so she should have known he wouldn’t change for her. Sending white light to your Dad’s situation. I hope he finds a good solution and soon. You can explain till you are blue in the face but so long as my grandmother is deemed competent we can't force/make her do anything. Proving someone is incompetent and gaining legal authority over them is a very lengthy, expensive and difficult process (which it should be). My dad is only a nephew in my uncle's case. He cannot do anything legally with him. He has my grandmother named as his POA and since my dad is not an immediate family member GU would have to go through the process of changing his POA, which he wont'. My parents have been discussing that and once he's out of the hospital they are done. GU has to make decisions regarding where he goes and what happens from here. We do not owe him anything. There is no ethical/moral/legal situation here like there is with my grandma. So focus goes there. You can't just tell people sorry you have to go to a home for your own safety so I am dragging you there. If they refuse to go they refuse to go they refuse to go. Right now my dad is ferreting out the truth with my grandma. We don't know how much is truth and how much is her lying to get attention. Till that is sorted out there is nothing to be done with her. They are going to get home care set up again and whatever happens happens at this point. If she wants to die tumbling down the stairs in the basement because she refuses help then that's on her. If she wants to end up in a medicaid home when right now she could get herself a nice little rent controlled senior apartment then that's her choice. We can only be responsible for so much.
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ajmom
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Post by ajmom on Jun 21, 2021 10:10:05 GMT -5
Sorry Drama — one more thing. Your Father wouldn’t be abdicating his responsibility to your Mom. He would still be of great value to her by visiting the Nursing home at different times of the day to make sure they are treating her well. He can visit her with less anxiety that he must be carrying day to day.
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ajmom
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Post by ajmom on Jun 21, 2021 10:14:13 GMT -5
y ]You can explain till you are blue in the face but so long as my grandmother is deemed competent we can't force/make her do anything. Proving someone is incompetent and gaining legal authority over them is a very lengthy, expensive and difficult process (which it should be).
I’m sorry. Of course you are right. I hope things get better for your Dad’s situation.
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jerseygirl
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Post by jerseygirl on Jun 21, 2021 10:14:53 GMT -5
A colleague of mine finally just gave up trying to help her mom. She passed about a year later but colleague isn’t upset since she did everything possible beyond quitting her job and moving in with mom. Colleague couldn’t afford to quit a highly paid professional job. Colleague had resources to hire and did hire multiple people and agencies to help but her mom fired all or refused entry. Of course the mom refused to move to nursing home - mom was ‘competent’ and got what she wanted
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 21, 2021 10:18:39 GMT -5
Sorry Drama — one more thing. Your Father wouldn’t be abdicating his responsibility to your Mom. He would still be of great value to her by visiting the Nursing home at different times of the day to make sure they are treating her well. He can visit her with less anxiety that he must be carrying day to day. Oh no my mom is 100% fine. She's only 65 and would probably kill my dad if he brought up a home for her. This is HIS mom, my grandmother. Of course he would check on her and we would likely go as well since she wouldn't be living an hour away from us anymore. But that's not the situation. As of right now if what we think is correct she does not need a home. However she should be living somewhere that can watch out for her and not be trying to maintain a house (or expect us to maintain it). She could get an extremely nice senior apartment in town for as little as $400. I've seen the commercials and considered seeing if they take 38 year olds. But she is too damn cheap to move into one, not when right now she can live "for free". The reason we are even in this scenario is because when she moved back here when I was a teenager she moved to Buttf*ck Egypt instead of back into town. The property taxes were cheaper out there. DUH because there are no services! They don't even have a freaking grocery store! Living 45 minutes-1 hour away is fine when you are my age and can drive. Not when you are an 85 year old lady who claims she can't even get up off the couch (the PT said there was no reason she couldn't so who knows). So if she goes in the not nice state nursing home I hope whatever it is she thinks she's sitting on money wise keeps her warm/safe. Right now she has a choice and my dad is letting her have it. My mom is working with my dad to get him to come around to the fact that she will eventually have to own the consequences of said choices.
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Mardi Gras Audrey
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Post by Mardi Gras Audrey on Jun 21, 2021 18:51:28 GMT -5
Sorry Drama — one more thing. Your Father wouldn’t be abdicating his responsibility to your Mom. He would still be of great value to her by visiting the Nursing home at different times of the day to make sure they are treating her well. He can visit her with less anxiety that he must be carrying day to day. Oh no my mom is 100% fine. She's only 65 and would probably kill my dad if he brought up a home for her. This is HIS mom, my grandmother. Of course he would check on her and we would likely go as well since she wouldn't be living an hour away from us anymore. But that's not the situation. As of right now if what we think is correct she does not need a home. However she should be living somewhere that can watch out for her and not be trying to maintain a house (or expect us to maintain it). She could get an extremely nice senior apartment in town for as little as $400. I've seen the commercials and considered seeing if they take 38 year olds. But she is too damn cheap to move into one, not when right now she can live "for free". The reason we are even in this scenario is because when she moved back here when I was a teenager she moved to Buttf*ck Egypt instead of back into town. The property taxes were cheaper out there. DUH because there are no services! They don't even have a freaking grocery store! Living 45 minutes-1 hour away is fine when you are my age and can drive. Not when you are an 85 year old lady who claims she can't even get up off the couch (the PT said there was no reason she couldn't so who knows). So if she goes in the not nice state nursing home I hope whatever it is she thinks she's sitting on money wise keeps her warm/safe. Right now she has a choice and my dad is letting her have it. My mom is working with my dad to get him to come around to the fact that she will eventually have to own the consequences of said choices. Is grandma worried about running out of money? Can your dad show her how cost efficient those apartments are? And maybe point out that she is going to have to pay for cabs and the like since he won’t be able to come chauffeur her around and be at her beck & call. I’ll bet that will cost more than a few hundred a month. I am thinking she is only looking at the base price of the “free” house and not all the ancillary costs that add up.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jun 21, 2021 19:40:50 GMT -5
My guess is that no amount of facts/figures are going to convince drama's grandma of anything.
After all of her bills (including property taxes) are accounted for, my mom has at least 2K a month to do with as she wishes...set on fire, whatever. Clearly, mom can afford to go see a movie (in her case, to cool off in hot weather because her house has no air conditioning). I told her she could afford to go. I thought that might help.
Mom just wanted to hear that she was worth it to spend the money. But, she didn't actually go to the movies. Mom could have bought a drink at starbucks or an ice cream cone from a local joint to get into some air conditioning. Mom could have gone to library to cool off. Or the mall. These were simply the cost of gas. Instead, she chose to do nothing to help herself.
I'm fairly certain, given mom's behavior, I was supposed to take a day off of work (and maybe even reschedule treatment, who knows) and spend 2.5 hours on the road to drive my mom 20 minutes to the local library and sit with her for an hour or so. Or I suppose take her to the mall or movies.
Suggesting a cab if mom didn't want to drive would have fallen on deaf ears. Because taking care of her is my job. It's not even mom's job to take care of herself. And now mom has exactly what she wants-which is a data point that fits her narrative: Mom was left alone in heat wave, and therefore no one cares about her. It isn't about logic.
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Deleted
Joined: Apr 27, 2024 23:36:46 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2021 19:47:45 GMT -5
My guess is that no amount of facts/figures are going to convince drama's grandma of anything.
After all of her bills (including property taxes) are accounted for, my mom has at least 2K a month to do with as she wishes...set on fire, whatever. Clearly, mom can afford to go see a movie (in her case, to cool off in hot weather because her house has no air conditioning). I told her she could afford to go. I thought that might help.
Mom just wanted to hear that she was worth it to spend the money. But, she didn't actually go to the movies. Mom could have bought a drink at starbucks or an ice cream cone from a local joint to get into some air conditioning. Mom could have gone to library to cool off. Or the mall. These were simply the cost of gas. Instead, she chose to do nothing to help herself.
I'm fairly certain, given mom's behavior, I was supposed to take a day off of work (and maybe even reschedule treatment, who knows) and spend 2.5 hours on the road to drive my mom 20 minutes to the local library and sit with her for an hour or so. Or I suppose take her to the mall or movies.
Suggesting a cab if mom didn't want to drive would have fallen on deaf ears. Because taking care of her is my job. It's not even mom's job to take care of herself. And now mom has exactly what she wants-which is a data point that fits her narrative: Mom was left alone in heat wave, and therefore no one cares about her. It isn't about logic.
Our Moms aren’t exactly the same, but they appear to me to have a lot in common. Soooooo….. here’s another
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NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 21, 2021 19:49:26 GMT -5
Oh no my mom is 100% fine. She's only 65 and would probably kill my dad if he brought up a home for her. This is HIS mom, my grandmother. Of course he would check on her and we would likely go as well since she wouldn't be living an hour away from us anymore. But that's not the situation. As of right now if what we think is correct she does not need a home. However she should be living somewhere that can watch out for her and not be trying to maintain a house (or expect us to maintain it). She could get an extremely nice senior apartment in town for as little as $400. I've seen the commercials and considered seeing if they take 38 year olds. But she is too damn cheap to move into one, not when right now she can live "for free". The reason we are even in this scenario is because when she moved back here when I was a teenager she moved to Buttf*ck Egypt instead of back into town. The property taxes were cheaper out there. DUH because there are no services! They don't even have a freaking grocery store! Living 45 minutes-1 hour away is fine when you are my age and can drive. Not when you are an 85 year old lady who claims she can't even get up off the couch (the PT said there was no reason she couldn't so who knows). So if she goes in the not nice state nursing home I hope whatever it is she thinks she's sitting on money wise keeps her warm/safe. Right now she has a choice and my dad is letting her have it. My mom is working with my dad to get him to come around to the fact that she will eventually have to own the consequences of said choices. Is grandma worried about running out of money? Can your dad show her how cost efficient those apartments are? And maybe point out that she is going to have to pay for cabs and the like since he won’t be able to come chauffeur her around and be at her beck & call. I’ll bet that will cost more than a few hundred a month. I am thinking she is only looking at the base price of the “free” house and not all the ancillary costs that add up. No she's just cheap. Always has been. Not quite Extreme Cheapstake level but pretty close. She moved to Treynor solely because of cheaper property taxes. Not a single thought about nothing being out there, no consideration her grandkids live in CB and my parents worked. When this first started her brilliant idea was to move to Glenwood because...even cheaper property taxes! Now she'd be over an hour away. My dad said absolutely not you move that far you are good as dead. The only way we got her back here is moving her in with GU. None of us have room nor the time to cater to her. She sells that house right now she's set for awhile. My mom is looking into places that let you grandfather in if you end up on Medicaid. She's not in any danger of starvation. There are a lot of senior apartments around here in all price ranges. Dad is trying to get her to make a choice while she still has the ability. She doesn't and something happens she may not like where the hospital sticks her.
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jerseygirl
Senior Member
Joined: May 13, 2018 7:43:08 GMT -5
Posts: 4,774
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Post by jerseygirl on Jun 21, 2021 19:52:04 GMT -5
My guess is that no amount of facts/figures are going to convince drama's grandma of anything.
After all of her bills (including property taxes) are accounted for, my mom has at least 2K a month to do with as she wishes...set on fire, whatever. Clearly, mom can afford to go see a movie (in her case, to cool off in hot weather because her house has no air conditioning). I told her she could afford to go. I thought that might help.
Mom just wanted to hear that she was worth it to spend the money. But, she didn't actually go to the movies. Mom could have bought a drink at starbucks or an ice cream cone from a local joint to get into some air conditioning. Mom could have gone to library to cool off. Or the mall. These were simply the cost of gas. Instead, she chose to do nothing to help herself.
I'm fairly certain, given mom's behavior, I was supposed to take a day off of work (and maybe even reschedule treatment, who knows) and spend 2.5 hours on the road to drive my mom 20 minutes to the local library and sit with her for an hour or so. Or I suppose take her to the mall or movies.
Suggesting a cab if mom didn't want to drive would have fallen on deaf ears. Because taking care of her is my job. It's not even mom's job to take care of herself. And now mom has exactly what she wants-which is a data point that fits her narrative: Mom was left alone in heat wave, and therefore no one cares about her. It isn't about logic.
So sad gira, your mom should be taking care of her darling daughter. It’s a wonder that you developed into such a caring and I thoughtful person.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,241
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 21, 2021 20:00:39 GMT -5
My guess is that no amount of facts/figures are going to convince drama's grandma of anything.
After all of her bills (including property taxes) are accounted for, my mom has at least 2K a month to do with as she wishes...set on fire, whatever. Clearly, mom can afford to go see a movie (in her case, to cool off in hot weather because her house has no air conditioning). I told her she could afford to go. I thought that might help.
Mom just wanted to hear that she was worth it to spend the money. But, she didn't actually go to the movies. Mom could have bought a drink at starbucks or an ice cream cone from a local joint to get into some air conditioning. Mom could have gone to library to cool off. Or the mall. These were simply the cost of gas. Instead, she chose to do nothing to help herself.
I'm fairly certain, given mom's behavior, I was supposed to take a day off of work (and maybe even reschedule treatment, who knows) and spend 2.5 hours on the road to drive my mom 20 minutes to the local library and sit with her for an hour or so. Or I suppose take her to the mall or movies.
Suggesting a cab if mom didn't want to drive would have fallen on deaf ears. Because taking care of her is my job. It's not even mom's job to take care of herself. And now mom has exactly what she wants-which is a data point that fits her narrative: Mom was left alone in heat wave, and therefore no one cares about her. It isn't about logic.
Ding ding. It isn't about the cost. It's why should she use her money for that when she birthed a son? It's his job to leave my mom, sell the business, ignore the grandkids and move in with her and care for her till the day she dies. That is his purpose in life. Since that isn't happening she has turned back to her first victim GU, her little brother. She pretty much raised him.so now he owes her. He's also her first enabler so match made in elderly hell right there. It's all about control and manipulation. DH didn't believe me until the cheeseburger incident. Those of us who know her know this poor broke old lady thing is a front.
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Mardi Gras Audrey
Senior Member
So well rounded, I'm pointless...
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:49:31 GMT -5
Posts: 2,082
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Post by Mardi Gras Audrey on Jun 21, 2021 20:04:30 GMT -5
NomoreDramaQ1015 and giramomma I’m sorry you guys are going through all this. I know it’s hard dealing with family as they age. It’s sad when they don’t realize that what they are doing is pushing everyone away. I always wonder... were these people always like this or is a result of old age? Is this what we get to look forward to turning into as we age?
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