NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 15, 2021 9:15:19 GMT -5
Drama- I'm wondering if besides venting, if you can give your dad some tools so he doesn't flip out so much, or at least to the point where you are legit worried he's going to have a heart attack.
I know your dad doesn't want to see your grandma harmed. But, that doesn't mean that she needs to take him down with her, either.
Your grandma will not change. But, I do see value in you coaching your dad in learning how to change his response to his mom...I would think being around to see your girls grow up would be a good enough incentive for your dad to consider a different approach. And I think this sort of interaction with your dad is just as important as cleaning your grandma's house. Maybe even long term more important.
Maybe but that assumes I have tools to teach. I just don't get it. It's been laid bare and her solution is she wants to move even farther away? What the flying F is wrong with her? DH and I got in a fight because he insists I need to spend more time with her or I'll regret it. I said it's not his place to tell me how I feel. They lived in Kansas most of my life and then Treynor. I didn't have much of a relationship till I was an adult. I don't have the relationship he thinks I'm supposed to have with her. Then there is the constant bashing of my mother. She manipulated my husband into cleaning up her pee and bringing her fast food at 9 pm in snow. She's taking my dad down and straining my parents marriage (not that that is new but come on it's been 38 years get over it lady) What is there for me to regret? DH sees her as the grandma he never had. I see something completely different. Obviously I'm not going to let her die in a pile of garbage or take my dad out I'm not a monster. But I disagree that I need to go out there and be a part of the toxic situation out of some notion if I don't I will be mad at myself. I have things I regret like not coming home when grandma was in the ICU. I regret my grandpa not getting to see Abby because he died while I was still in the hospital. I don't regret not visiting more. She could have and still could have moved HERE if she truly wanted a relationship with me. Instead property taxes won and she's STILL focused on that. God don't let me be that way. I envy my kids relationship with my parents and in laws. I want to be that to my grandkids and I never want my girls to feel like the only reason I had them is to cater to me when I become old.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Mar 15, 2021 21:03:51 GMT -5
NomoreDramaQ1015 I think you already know, there are some people you will never be able to please. You've already got enough on your plate. Take care of your own little family first.
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lurkyloo
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“Time means nothing now,” said Toad. “It is just the thing that happens between snacks.”
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Post by lurkyloo on Mar 15, 2021 21:23:35 GMT -5
So. It’s been a minute. Dad’s new place is nice, newer and has a ton of space including an attached screened in porch where he spends most of his awake time smoking. He needs a walker still even for short distances, not sure whether that will get better with more time as his hip heals. He’s a little more coherent, presumably bc no one is supplying alcohol. Tonight I got the enviable job of talking to him about the fact that he sexually harrassed his now-former aide on Saturday Pointed out that it was illegal, she could press charges and/or sue and his most likely defense was basically a ticket to memory care, blah blah blah. It took an uncomfortably long time for him to acknowledge that he knew what he did was wrong. But you really don’t want to play chicken with me on a conversation like that Fun times.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 16, 2021 7:14:54 GMT -5
I did get a laugh out of my dad about the home made extension cord. I said are we 100% sure he didn't do that so it would look like an accident?
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Mar 16, 2021 10:13:30 GMT -5
This is a lovely post and I hope you don't delete it. If you do and you want me to delete the quote please PM me. FWIW My friend donated her mom's body to science. You can also check with your county to see if there's some kind of "potter's field".
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stillmovingforward
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Hanging on by a thread
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Post by stillmovingforward on Mar 16, 2021 11:09:53 GMT -5
Cremation can be as low as $500 here. You just have to search. We paid for a shirt tail relative once.
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snapdragon
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Post by snapdragon on Mar 16, 2021 11:20:13 GMT -5
Hugs giramomma - Living in WA state my Dad's cremation was about $950. Not including the Death Certs which were ordered online through the state and were about $150?? It's been nearly a year but I am fairly positive about the amounts. Mom was in OR and the cost was pretty similar when she passed in 2017. I also had started a savings account for final expenses due to my mom. I completely understand your frustrations.
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lurkyloo
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“Time means nothing now,” said Toad. “It is just the thing that happens between snacks.”
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Post by lurkyloo on Mar 16, 2021 11:46:18 GMT -5
giramomma Wishing you strength, and less need for it. Thank you for sharing your view and thoughts.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Mar 21, 2021 8:51:58 GMT -5
I need to get on the stick, this week, to about finding a therapist. I'm not sure how long it will take to get into my old one. I need help moving forward.
Yesterday was bad, completely uncalled for. And I'm just not doing it again.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Mar 21, 2021 9:33:10 GMT -5
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 21, 2021 9:57:17 GMT -5
Hugs gira.
My dad moved grandma into her brother's house at least for the next couple weeks to get breathing room.
It's not ideal because they are both super old people who rely solely on my dad and it's not old people proof.
But this gives dad some space so he and my mom can figure out what to do.
To add to the drama my brother thinks my parents will give him grandma's house. GIVE. Because according to him they handed me a free house back in 2006 so he gets one too.
First I graduated school with a shit ton of debt. Second I had a full time job. Third I paid the property taxes, utilities and any maintenance on the house. No way he could afford a $5k roof like I did
It was a marriage of convenience because I needed a place to live and it allowed my parents to decide what to do with the house.
After a couple years I did pay rent and that lead to me buying it. There was zero intention of just GIVING me a house.
He has a 20 hour a week job and no way can he afford the taxes on that house. Also grandma died suddenly leaving my mom in limbo. Current grandma is still alive and that house will need to be sold to pay for wherever she lives next.
He doesn't see the nuance though.
Geeze I thought people were supposed to get to enjoy their retirement. Why my parents ever come back from vacation anymore astounds me. I'd be willing to visit if it meant they finally got peace.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Mar 21, 2021 16:00:28 GMT -5
I sent an email to my old therapist. We'll see what happens. I have some breathing room. I'm sorry about your brother drama. It sucks when the shit just keeps piling on.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Mar 29, 2021 18:06:18 GMT -5
My old therapist never got back to me, so I reached out to the behavioral specialist that the NP recommended for me last week. I have an appointment for mid-April.
In other fun news Today, my mom half accused me of taking information from her while I was at home helping her go through papers.
That was a fun conversation.
She also was upset I didn't check in with her today, which lead to her wishing she were dead, again.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 29, 2021 18:14:30 GMT -5
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saveinla
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Post by saveinla on Mar 29, 2021 18:19:14 GMT -5
giramomma, If I were you I would stop calling her every day - just because of that. Sorry you are going through this.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Mar 29, 2021 19:10:52 GMT -5
I actually did go a day without contact. Which is likely why she's a little more spun up.
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buystoys
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Post by buystoys on Mar 30, 2021 7:39:42 GMT -5
Hugs gira. I just can't imagine going through this with everything else on your plate.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Mar 30, 2021 8:12:26 GMT -5
I'm sorry. That is the last thing you need to deal with.
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on Apr 3, 2021 16:37:46 GMT -5
I went through a lot with my mom. Wore me down, swore I wasn't going through it with MIL. We tried to have her live with us, beside us, and hubs said you finally need to give up and put her in assisted living. I would take my vacation every year and go up and bring her back and get her health caught up again, it would take several months, then she would fly back and get a friend to pick her up. This went on for years. She was drinking a lot, a lot more then I realized. She took care of herself for a long time, wouldn't move to town. And yes toward the end it got to be a mess. I wasn't about to repeat it. I did here for a year or so and even hubs said she needed to go in a home. Thankfully we were both on the same page, but he would got see her when here almost everyother day. Now once a week if he can get in to see her.
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lurkyloo
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“Time means nothing now,” said Toad. “It is just the thing that happens between snacks.”
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Post by lurkyloo on Apr 26, 2021 7:22:05 GMT -5
Dad isn’t doing so well. He keeps saying he’s a prisoner and trying to escape...yesterday he kept getting knives, scissors etc and cutting holes in the screen on his screen porch in order to get out The weekend aide is young and keeps calling me even though I can’t really do anything from up here. She also told me no one could find his towels so I ordered a target delivery (out of coffee too, which required immediate response) which turned out not to be true...not the first time I’ve needed to double check something she told me. Not malicious or anything, but frustrating. They’re looking for a new weekend aide and I have find a lock box and call his doctor on my to do list today. I did find yesterday that we can communicate reasonably well if we Facetime and I write things out on a chalkboard.
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finnime
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Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.
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Post by finnime on Apr 26, 2021 7:51:14 GMT -5
lurkyloo, I'm sorry he's declining. Sometimes there are no good answers.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Apr 26, 2021 8:06:41 GMT -5
lurkyloo What kind of facility is he in?
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lurkyloo
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“Time means nothing now,” said Toad. “It is just the thing that happens between snacks.”
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Post by lurkyloo on Apr 26, 2021 11:19:35 GMT -5
He’s in independent living but with round the clock caregivers. I talked to his NP at length today. They’ll look at a couple of things but I don’t know how much longer Dad can dodge memory care. He’ll hate that. Ordered a lockbox, and they are replacing the weekend aide. The others seem to deal with him a little better...or at least they call me less.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Apr 26, 2021 11:55:18 GMT -5
I was wondering about memory care, which is why I asked.
I'm sorry.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Apr 26, 2021 13:36:44 GMT -5
Hugs, lurkyloo
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bookkeeper
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Post by bookkeeper on Apr 26, 2021 19:59:40 GMT -5
On a brighter note, my mom video called me last week. She had no idea how it happened, but we both enjoyed the visit. I hope I can get her to video call more. It is easier to see and hear if she is not well. She flies home in 10 days, so we will open her house and get things tidy and stocked up. She is looking forward to her church groups and quilting groups and maybe even her family.
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lurkyloo
Junior Associate
“Time means nothing now,” said Toad. “It is just the thing that happens between snacks.”
Joined: Jan 8, 2011 11:26:56 GMT -5
Posts: 5,590
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Post by lurkyloo on Apr 27, 2021 11:23:13 GMT -5
Back at you. I’m sorry your mom is being so difficult. Especially right now. Feeling a little better about Dad after talking to today’s caregiver. I think there was a personality clash with the weekend one which was making everything worse. She also confirmed that Dad has been drinking a crazy amount of coffee...come to think of it I wonder if that’s related to it being decaf? I was kinda shocked to hear he was out already. Had to order tobacco, it apparently arrived Friday and fingers crossed that parcel locker just means it’s in his locked mailbox. I wonder a little about what my credit card company thinks of all these purchases-I don’t smoke and rarely drink-but I suppose the shipping address says it all Haven’t found myself having to buy pot for him at least.
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lurkyloo
Junior Associate
“Time means nothing now,” said Toad. “It is just the thing that happens between snacks.”
Joined: Jan 8, 2011 11:26:56 GMT -5
Posts: 5,590
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Post by lurkyloo on Apr 27, 2021 21:32:54 GMT -5
Tobacco shipment has gone missing. I ordered more while we play the equivalent of telephone, checking whether any of the aides received the package, but I am not hopeful. I talked today’s aide through using the key in the mailbox to open the parcel locker and retrieve a couple packages (one of which I ordered in February)...but no sign of the tobacco. My guess is either it got put in the wrong set of mailboxes or the delivery driver saw “smoke shop” on the return address. Probably the former.
It’s about $90 of tobacco so worth following up on, but I am sorely tempted to just eat the cost rather than try to track it down. I paid extra to have UPS ship the second package rather than USPS since UPS is much better about updating their tracking info.
(Specialty pipe tobacco that the local store has to special order, so running out to pick up some extra is not as easy as it sounds.)
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finnime
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Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.
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Post by finnime on Apr 28, 2021 7:27:47 GMT -5
Oh, that's too bad, lurkyloo. Managing your dad's affairs from a distance is hard enough.
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lurkyloo
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“Time means nothing now,” said Toad. “It is just the thing that happens between snacks.”
Joined: Jan 8, 2011 11:26:56 GMT -5
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Post by lurkyloo on May 4, 2021 22:57:42 GMT -5
Second tobacco shipment arrived ok so he should be set for a couple of months. He keeps running out of lighters which are also tricky to order online...sounds like this weekend was a little better but I still got some text messages Saturday night asking me to tell the aide to let him out. The post office acknowledged my complaint about the missing shipment, opened a case and never followed up. Today I got an email asking me to take a survey about their service I obliged. I’ll follow up with them and the vendor a couple of times but if it hasn’t shown up after 3 weeks and nobody takes responsibility I’ll ask Amex to refund me.
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