TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Feb 22, 2021 10:00:45 GMT -5
It's probably a volunteer fire department so of course they were pissed. Their time is better spent on emergencies. I hope they told her that.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 22, 2021 11:27:27 GMT -5
It's probably a volunteer fire department so of course they were pissed. Their time is better spent on emergencies. I hope they told her that. It is a volunteer fire department out there. No they were not happy because they called my dad back and were like WTF? My dad explained to them what she told them and that he was 45 minutes away. When he hung up he said the fireman told him they weren't leaving just yet they were going to have a talk with her. Mom said that my dad is going to sit down with her and say you aren't living out here anymore. You cut the crap and move back to CB voluntarily to live near us OR be forced into a nursing home because based on your actions this week you require 24/7 care. My SIL had to have a similar conversation with MIL a couple months ago. Either she takes care of herself and stops the drama or goes to a home because she wasn't going to be a burden on her kids or FIL anymore. MIL changed her tune REAL quick and is back to her usual level of hypochondria. My grandmother and MIL have always been manipulators but I wonder how much of it too is all this with COVID. It's not like they have anything better to do besides sit and stew. I told DH your mom has turned back into the person she was pre-church. I forgot how much it sucked. Dad threatened to put great uncle in a home too if he keeps it up but doesn't have much legal standing there. EVERYTHING still lists my grandmother as his POA and he won't/can't be bothered to change it to my dad. My dad has told him fine if something happens to him and grandma is incapable he's screwed. He is not inclined to fight my great uncle on it, have fun with the state deciding what happens to you.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 22, 2021 11:40:21 GMT -5
I'm all for telling them both how the cow ate the cabbage, or as my daddy and my momma used to say, where the bear shit in the buckwheat.
I wouldn't be surprised if covid doesn't have a lot to do with it, too. If she (and he) have nothing to do all day except watch TV, they are as bombarded as the rest of us with the scary details.
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crazycat
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Post by crazycat on Feb 22, 2021 13:54:32 GMT -5
The FD can get real upset with these kinds of calls . My one sis who has cerebral palsy (very mild, just affects her legs and when she’s overweight , not a good combination) ) and is extremely overweight used to live with my other sis who is her twin . Sis would keep falling down and couldn’t get back up and other sis couldn’t lift her or was at work , so she kept calling the FD to come help . They finally told both of them they couldn’t be coming out multiple times a week , it was taking up valuable time . Told her she needed to go into assisted living to get the help she needed .
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Feb 22, 2021 15:55:18 GMT -5
Many volunteer firefighters actually get off work when they get a call, so calls like this definitely make them unhappy.
I'd bet she never donates a penny to them either. The EMTs and firefighters don't know that but just another reason she can't be calling them all the time.
My smoke alarm has gone off twice since I've lived here and I've called them. Incidents were several years apart and each time they found nothing but told me do not hesitate to call in this instance.
I've called them twice for an ambulance to take me to the hospital. Medicare did pay them and I make an annual donation.
In 2020 all of their fundraisers have been virtual and it's really hurt them financially.
It does sound like your grandma needs to be in either assisted living or a nursing home. I have no way of knowing which, but it's time.
I also think the isolation of covid has probably contributed to her mental state.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 22, 2021 15:59:41 GMT -5
I'm all for telling them both how the cow ate the cabbage, or as my daddy and my momma used to say, where the bear shit in the buckwheat. I wouldn't be surprised if covid doesn't have a lot to do with it, too. If she (and he) have nothing to do all day except watch TV, they are as bombarded as the rest of us with the scary details. I don't know it's scary details more just boredom. We get stir crazy and there are four of us in the house. When you're already living alone in the middle of nowhere and can't make people take you places. OR can't go to church because it's online only what else do you have to do all day but make shit up to get attention? I told my mom I am NOT going to be like them and the only hobby I have is trying to see how how I can get other people to jump. If any one of them would learn to properly use a computer a whole world would open up to them. Course on the down side then they could skype us all day on top of calling ... so maybe not. It does sound like your grandma needs to be in either assisted living or a nursing home. I have no way of knowing which, but it's time.Yep that's what my dad is going to find out. It's long overdue to call her bluff. We need to know beyond a doubt how much of this is real and how much is her making shit up for attention. If a large swarth of it is attention she would be just fine if she moves back HERE. There is nothing on our block at the moment but she could live within easy driving/walking distance. We're willing to split duties like grocery shopping and stuff if it doesn't mean a 40 minute drive. I used to take my grandma places when I came back from college and I'd do grocery shopping so my parents wouldn't have to. We can hire house keeping/baby sitter services a lot easier HERE than trying to coordinate it all the way out there. She can continue to live fairly independently. If she is truly having the troubles she claims to be then she has to go in a home because she requires 24/7 care. We'll see which one it is. Considering the fireman found her in bed asleep instead of trapped on the couch and how fast she was able to hop up when DH appeared with McD's has me thinking it's more the former than the latter. I know with MIL it was definitely the former. When threatened with having to go into a nursing home all of a sudden she complied with her rehab and improved dramatically. Before that she claimed she couldn't even get out of bed to bath herself.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Feb 22, 2021 17:01:18 GMT -5
The fd said they'd have dgf arrested if we didn't stop him from calling them. Dgf kept thinking he had spilled oil on the ground when there was none and calling the fd for help. They certainly didn't help us and arent volunteers either. I realize it wasn't there job, but help for elderly can be a complete joke in this country. What if we couldn't have gotten him into a snf and then assisted living? What would have happened to an 85 year old with dementia in prison?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 22, 2021 17:45:10 GMT -5
Treynors will do wellness checks because they are so far out from the nearest hospital and would have helped my grandmother with grandpa if he fell at no cost.
They apparently don't appreciate false alerts though which I can't blame them.
Elder care is a complete joke. I get not being able to lock up people willy nilly but it shouldn't have to get to this or worse before you can intervene.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Feb 22, 2021 18:51:45 GMT -5
Treynors will do wellness checks because they are so far out from the nearest hospital and would have helped my grandmother with grandpa if he fell at no cost. They apparently don't appreciate false alerts though which I can't blame them. Elder care is a complete joke. I get not being able to lock up people willy nilly but it shouldn't have to get to this or worse before you can intervene. I really, really wanted to turn my sister in for elder abuse with my dad. However, the details I would have given them would let her know who turned her in. When the dementia evaluation was done, she asked the doctor if there was elder abuse. The doctor didn't see dad in his home or he would have said yes. I've said here before, I called DHS about my aunt because her son had said he would never put her in a nursing home because it cost too much. She had dementia and had starting wondering. Lived on a farm. They removed all the furniture except for a chair and a bed. Took all appliances out of kitchen. Brought her food. But she was locked in from the outside. Had there been a fire, she could not have gotten out. They claimed they had cameras and were watching her 24/7. Well, the number of falls I heard about didn't make me think he and his wife were watching her 24/7. Myself and another cousin called DHS. As I said, they didn't call either of us back until after she had died. I will not count on them for help.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 24, 2021 10:49:22 GMT -5
The neighbors called my dad (yes we have eyes out there) when they saw the ambulance. They are willing to check on her if my dad calls them they know we live here in CB. Dad said boy that will piss grandma off. She HATES her neighbors. One set she is convinced sells drugs to black people out of their house. The other ones she considers busy bodies that need to stay off her lawn. The latter are the ones that came to check on her to see if she was dead. DH is pissed because my dad gave him instructions to not answer her calls during the day. Let them go to voicemail and if it is an emergency call my dad. He's trying to establish that she is not going to manipulate DH into coming out there every two minutes, that it is not his job. She has been turning to us because my dad has been pushing back. My mom is researching what to do. First thing is they will have to drag her into a doctor to get an assessment. They can't do anything if they can't prove her health has deteriorated to the point dad has to intervene. Or it will scare her straight and she will cut the crap. That's the bigger question.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Feb 24, 2021 12:05:41 GMT -5
The neighbors called my dad (yes we have eyes out there) when they saw the ambulance. They are willing to check on her if my dad calls them they know we live here in CB. Dad said boy that will piss grandma off. She HATES her neighbors. One set she is convinced sells drugs to black people out of their house. The other ones she considers busy bodies that need to stay off her lawn. The latter are the ones that came to check on her to see if she was dead. DH is pissed because my dad gave him instructions to not answer her calls during the day. Let them go to voicemail and if it is an emergency call my dad. He's trying to establish that she is not going to manipulate DH into coming out there every two minutes, that it is not his job. She has been turning to us because my dad has been pushing back. My mom is researching what to do. First thing is they will have to drag her into a doctor to get an assessment. They can't do anything if they can't prove her health has deteriorated to the point dad has to intervene. Or it will scare her straight and she will cut the crap. That's the bigger question. Is there anyone from Social Services that they can use to get involved?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 24, 2021 15:02:31 GMT -5
The neighbors called my dad (yes we have eyes out there) when they saw the ambulance. They are willing to check on her if my dad calls them they know we live here in CB. Dad said boy that will piss grandma off. She HATES her neighbors. One set she is convinced sells drugs to black people out of their house. The other ones she considers busy bodies that need to stay off her lawn. The latter are the ones that came to check on her to see if she was dead. DH is pissed because my dad gave him instructions to not answer her calls during the day. Let them go to voicemail and if it is an emergency call my dad. He's trying to establish that she is not going to manipulate DH into coming out there every two minutes, that it is not his job. She has been turning to us because my dad has been pushing back. My mom is researching what to do. First thing is they will have to drag her into a doctor to get an assessment. They can't do anything if they can't prove her health has deteriorated to the point dad has to intervene. Or it will scare her straight and she will cut the crap. That's the bigger question. Is there anyone from Social Services that they can use to get involved? IDK. Not my circus I just get the scoop whenever I am over there. Though given how piss poor my dealings were with them when I was unemployed I am going to say I wouldn't trust Iowa Social services as far as I can throw them. I am STILL waiting for someone to get back to me and I was unemployed in 2018. I started to think I must be on Candid Camera because no way are people who are in charge of others' welfare this incompetent.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Feb 24, 2021 15:29:10 GMT -5
Is there anyone from Social Services that they can use to get involved? IDK. Not my circus I just get the scoop whenever I am over there. Though given how piss poor my dealings were with them when I was unemployed I am going to say I wouldn't trust Iowa Social services as far as I can throw them. I am STILL waiting for someone to get back to me and I was unemployed in 2018. I started to think I must be on Candid Camera because no way are people who are in charge of others' welfare this incompetent. After my experience when I called about my aunt and she died before they called back, I don't trust DHS here in Iowa.
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ajmom
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Post by ajmom on Feb 25, 2021 19:43:19 GMT -5
My mom is 95 and in nursing home. It’s sad as haven’t seen her in over a year. I’m sure others have same situation...
I’m not really sure why, but she wasn’t given a spousal annuity from my dad ( he checked “no” on the forms so he got more when he was alive, but now she gets nothing. — he was really smart and good with numbers. None of us can figure out why Dad would have done this, and it has been a sad point for us all.). So it has been up to us 6 kids to foot her bills over the small amount of social security she receives since my Dad died in 2005. They hadn’t really saved anything. It’s just a small amount of spousal social security.
Now she is really sick, and my sister wants her to be in assisted living with her own room — which is a lot of money....it’s not like I don’t want her to have the best care, but I still have a child in college and I’m in a different place financially than the rest of the family. I’m the only one as a “sandwich generation”.
I will contribute, it’s just now a lot more than what I am used to contributing. Oh well. I will figure it out! One month at a time!
One great thing is she is 95 but sharp as a tack. So we have nice phone calls. She has a great sense of humor, so I love hearing her laugh when I tease her.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Feb 26, 2021 0:40:55 GMT -5
ajmom Not sure what you mean by your dad's small spousal SS amount? She should get his full amount or her own, whichever is greater. Or is it small due to low income or a job where he didn't pay into SS? I've heard of people who take out life insurance policies instead of spousal survivor benefits. Any chance your dad did that? I'm sorry your mom is left with low income. When my hubby retired I made sure he knew to sign up for spousal survivor benefits. For us it also includes health insurance benefits for life. No way I'm giving that up. His pension is reduced, but not a lot, something like $75 per month. The health insurance is worth a lot more than that to me.
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ajmom
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Post by ajmom on Feb 26, 2021 0:50:50 GMT -5
I guess I meant the only thing she has is my dad’s social security amount, amd it is small. The good news is she was able to keep his good NY state health benefits (he worked for the state), but he chose to take a bigger annuity instead of giving her a spousal annuity in case he died before her. He was 4 years older, had a heart condition, men die earlier than women, yada yada yada. We aren’t sure why he was so irresponsible— but we were left with supporting her financially when it could have been so much easier in us....
It’s just weird as my sister remembers him writing her and telling her he was going to give her a spousal annuity. Plus, I think my mom had to agree to it in writing, but she always left everything up to him so....
He had all his faculties, Harvard educated, so no chance of checking the wrong box.... one of life’s mysteries! I think it bothers me the most of the siblings because I ended up working in Federal retirement — so I routinely had to comfort (mostly women) annuitants who came in and didn’t have a clue about what their benefits were... so I was aware what harm could happen with a stroke of the pen. Anyway, I wish it didn’t bother me! I wish I were more ignorant of what he did or did not do...
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Feb 27, 2021 17:33:52 GMT -5
I guess I meant the only thing she has is my dad’s social security amount, amd it is small. The good news is she was able to keep his good NY state health benefits (he worked for the state), but he chose to take a bigger annuity instead of giving her a spousal annuity in case he died before her. He was 4 years older, had a heart condition, men die earlier than women, yada yada yada. We aren’t sure why he was so irresponsible— but we were left with supporting her financially when it could have been so much easier in us....
That blows. I'm sort of dealing with the same thing now. One of the things on my to-do list is to actually consult a lawyer to see what my future will look like. I'm pretty sure my mom will not live long enough to get her affairs in order. Not, because there's an actual reason for it. She just isn't interested in doing things in a way that will make life easier on me (I'm an only). The only thing I can do is accept it and try to plan for it as best as possible.
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ajmom
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Post by ajmom on Feb 27, 2021 20:15:11 GMT -5
I guess I meant the only thing she has is my dad’s social security amount, amd it is small. The good news is she was able to keep his good NY state health benefits (he worked for the state), but he chose to take a bigger annuity instead of giving her a spousal annuity in case he died before her. He was 4 years older, had a heart condition, men die earlier than women, yada yada yada. We aren’t sure why he was so irresponsible— but we were left with supporting her financially when it could have been so much easier in us....
That blows. I'm sort of dealing with the same thing now. One of the things on my to-do list is to actually consult a lawyer to see what my future will look like. I'm pretty sure my mom will not live long enough to get her affairs in order. Not, because there's an actual reason for it. She just isn't interested in doing things in a way that will make life easier on me (I'm an only). The only thing I can do is accept it and try to plan for it as best as possible. . I’m sorry. The good thing for us is there are lots of siblings. I certainly could not afford to put her in assisted living on my own, and I wouldn’t try. My mom could have a decent room with Medicaid, etc, and it wouldn’t cost us a cent, so perhaps you could find a good nursing home? The only down side is my mom wouldn’t want a room mate (I guess who would?). My mom has always been spoiled — more of a child than a mom, lol.... Of course I’m glad she will have a nice place, but isn’t it always the case that some just don’t need to worry and it will be done for them? I have long term care insurance, but who knows if that will even be a thing! Good luck with your mom. And remember you can’t do it all if you are only child.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 27, 2021 21:48:55 GMT -5
Dad took grandma to the doctor. She was pissed and refused to go so he literally picked her up and put her in the car.
She's fine physically outside of the cerebral palsy which she's always has.
Also passed the mental exams. The doctors though told my dad they'd knock off the three points needed to get home health approved by Medicare.
He told her she has to move. She said Glenwood which is almost an hour away. One way! Why you ask? Property taxes are even cheaper! Dad said over her dead body. It's here or nothing.
DH is now wrestling with the thought that she has been manipulating us the whole time. Something I've been trying to tell him but he accuses me of being a hater.
No it's I've known her my whole life. She probably is lonely to an extent but instead of moving to us we're supposed to drop our lives and revolve around her.
Not going to happen.
So we'll what happens with the aid and go from there.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Feb 28, 2021 8:56:55 GMT -5
Maybe knowing an aid will be coming to check on her will give her something to look forward to?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 28, 2021 9:10:42 GMT -5
Maybe knowing an aid will be coming to check on her will give her something to look forward to? You haven't met my grandma. Anyone who isn't us is a busybody Also she knows more. It isn't about company it's about controlling us, my dad in particular. We'll see though maybe I'm wrong. First step is seeing if she even let's the person in. I was impressed with my dad. He doesn't really talk about leaving the original restaurant though I know why. He told her catering to great grandma was my great uncle's choice. He screwed his workers and screwed the business for YEARS. That is why he quit and why he didn't speak to him for a long time. Dad won't do that to his people. This is his job and my grandma is going to respect that. Go dad for setting boundaries.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Feb 28, 2021 9:53:48 GMT -5
My dad was a full pay patient at a nursing home that only has double rooms.
Two aunts were in a nursing home at the same time. Same nursing home. The Medicaid patient had a single room and the full pay patient had a double.
I had told my sister I could not contribute for dad's living expenses. Had he used up all of his money, it would have been Medicaid.
BIL's father was in a nursing home for 17 years. Full pay until every dime he had gotten from the sale of the farm was used and then Medicaid. His wife got to keep the house. The house was sold when she went to a nursing home. She used the last of the proceeds the month she died. She was going on Medicaid the next month.
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ajmom
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Post by ajmom on Feb 28, 2021 13:29:47 GMT -5
Maybe knowing an aid will be coming to check on her will give her something to look forward to? You haven't met my grandma. Anyone who isn't us is a busybody Also she knows more. It isn't about company it's about controlling us Yup! I know this well! A year ago, My brothers finally got a wonderful, caring woman to help for a few hours a week with my mom so that they could have more time for themselves. This woman (let’s say “Marcia”) had lovingly cared for my Aunt, and my picky Aunt loved her, so we knew her well, and Marcia was also very honest. Nope, my mom would have nothing to do with Marcia. . She was used to being spoiled and waited on by my brothers, so she would rather put my brothers out than put up with the kindly Marcia. I still shake my head over this. I’m the opposite of my mom — I would have loved the fact that I wouldn’t be such a burden on my kids....Or at least I hope I will be this way!!! I don’t see my kids spoiling me, though, so no worries there I guess!
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buystoys
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Post by buystoys on Feb 28, 2021 15:45:22 GMT -5
My sister and BIL are trying to schedule a vacation. They'll be gone for two weeks. While I agree they need vacation time, I'm not going to spend my day and night at their house to watch mom. I have a standing appointment on Mondays, so those two days are out. They're trying to get mom and dad to agree to a health aide during the day while they're gone. This is a game that was tried before and failed miserably. Mom and dad liked the first aide they had, but she got assigned to a better paying job. Then came 11 different aides and not one of them was acceptable. The company finally told us that they were done with us as an account. So it might be a trial to get them in again for two weeks. Sis had been working part time but her job has gone back to full time hours over the past couple of weeks. She's in a quandry. Does she quit her job, which she enjoys, because someone has to be home with mom and dad, or does she insist they use an aide and go back to the office when they open up again? She's only got a couple of weeks to make a decision as they will need some time to find a replacement for her if she's going to quit. Then she'll need to train the person for a few weeks. That can easily bring them through the spring and summer months. It's not fair to her for all their care to fall that way, but she took them on instead of having them go to assisted living. DB would pay for them to be in assisted living, so cash isn't the problem. I'm just trying to stick to my boundaries and not get sucked in too far. I'll do a couple of evenings each week, but that's about all I can do. I'm trying to not feel guilty about not doing "more" but I have my own physical and mental health to deal with. If mom or dad falls, all I can do is call 911 for them. My back won't let me bend enough to help them up and isn't strong enough either. I'm on permanent lifting restrictions. Enough babbling. I've got some time to work this all out with my sister and brother. Somehow we'll make it work.
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on Mar 1, 2021 21:04:20 GMT -5
I don't understand if the one lady has no money except SS why isn't she on medicare and mediciad? MIL's money is all gone and that's who foots her bills, we don't pay for it, so why are you guys?
If her spouse was a veteran and she goes back into assisted living, VA will help pay that up to a certain amount. I think you folks are paying for things you don't have to. Of course it took me a year to get the money and a year to stop it but finally got it done. The money was a huge help.
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on Mar 1, 2021 21:05:15 GMT -5
And forget social services, I don't know what they do but they don't help.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 14, 2021 11:13:18 GMT -5
My grandma cooperates when the aid and PT are there. Goes right back to usual when they leave.
Dad flipped this week because when he came over he found her in bed again with food EVERYWHERE. In the area she lives in that could attract rats which is all we need.
According to the PT she needs to be getting up and going to the kitchen to eat. She does this just fine when he and my dad are watching like hawks.
But then her brother comes during the rest of the week and enables her. I pointed out you can't be shocked that has been their relationship since they were abused children. He isn't going to change now.
Dad also discovered brother made his own extension cord to fix the the washer. Did not know that was a thing. Cue flipping out over that. That could burn the house down with grandma in it.
I am concerned my dad is developing PTSD. I'm sure he's still never processed my grandfather's decline and now this. It's starting to put a strain on my parents marriage. My stupid brother doesn't step up.
Grandma is still insisting on Glenwood. I'm starting to think let her. If she wants to be totally isolated and end up dying like a neighbor did decades ago let her. She's clearly not interested in us.
I let him vent to me without judgment. It can be harsh but I get it. You can't keep all that bottled up. What a freaking mess. I vow to not do this to my kids. I will make as many changes as I can while I can so hopefully if they do need to step in it's as smooth as anything regarding elder care in this country can be. DH 100% agrees.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 14, 2021 12:27:22 GMT -5
DH and I talked. We can't be out there during the week and right now I'm on Saturdays but he's going to tag along to help where he can.
I'll go out on a weekend and help dad deep clean as much as I can. It won't solve the fact it'll go back to hell in a handbasket but maybe if we deep clean it'll at least keep bigger problems from sprouting up.
We're not asking because he'll say no it's not our job. However I have an interest in keeping him from having a heart attack so we just plan on showing up.
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stillmovingforward
Senior Member
Hanging on by a thread
Joined: Jan 1, 2014 21:52:58 GMT -5
Posts: 3,066
Today's Mood: Don't Mess with Me!
Location: Not Sure Yet
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Post by stillmovingforward on Mar 14, 2021 13:51:28 GMT -5
You are a good daughter.
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giramomma
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 11:25:27 GMT -5
Posts: 21,278
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Post by giramomma on Mar 14, 2021 22:20:36 GMT -5
Drama- I'm wondering if besides venting, if you can give your dad some tools so he doesn't flip out so much, or at least to the point where you are no longer legit worried he's going to have a heart attack.
I know your dad doesn't want to see your grandma harmed. But, that doesn't mean that she needs to take him down with her, either.
Your grandma will not change. But, I do see value in you coaching your dad in learning how to change his response to his mom...I would think being around to see your girls grow up would be a good enough incentive for your dad to consider a different approach. And I think this sort of interaction with your dad is just as important as cleaning your grandma's house. Maybe even long term more important.
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