giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Feb 17, 2021 22:37:25 GMT -5
I'm sorry Drama. Would your Grandma stand down if you said the next time she called, you'd report her to APS?
Does anyone have POA over her?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 17, 2021 22:45:15 GMT -5
I'm sorry Drama. Would your Grandma stand down if you said the next time she called, you'd report her to APS?
Does anyone have POA over her? Don't know to #1 and not sure I want to escalate that far. #2 I am going to guess no based on tidbits I've gotten. Otherwise pretty sure my dad would have made her move back here long before now. My grandmother is a mega control freak. I'd be shocked if anything that would cede control exists. We'll talk when they get back. I have no clue what conversations they are having about it. At the end of the day it's not our circus. I'm concerned about my dad though and wondering how much he has bottled up between the three grown adult problems in our orbit.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Feb 18, 2021 7:07:23 GMT -5
I'm sorry drama. That all just blows.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Feb 18, 2021 9:48:25 GMT -5
When I called the state about my aunt, she was deceased by the time they called me back.
In Iowa, I would not count on them to help.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Feb 18, 2021 11:40:48 GMT -5
Last night, TD and I had a discussion about his mom. She moved into her condo several years ago, which freed her from responsibility of the house, but she has other issues now. With her last hospitalization, her health is not as good and she has had more falls.
Pre COVID, we made more than one emergency run up to BC to see to her as we are closer. TD’s sister lives about 6 hours away, so she has been bearing the brunt of MIL’s medical issues with the border closed. Her sister and husband recently moved into an assisted living facility, and I think that MIL might consider what would be involved for her to move into the same place. It is closer to the border, so it does make it easier for us, and she’d have close company nearby. Moving across the border isn’t going to happen, due to healthcare....of course. She’d be out of her beloved Vancouver though, and it’s small shops and favorite haunts.
I have no idea how well this conversation is going to go.
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on Feb 18, 2021 22:02:19 GMT -5
My mom and dad are gone, I went through a lot of that with my mom. Ended up quitting a good job and trying to get others with less hours, hated them. So I ended up quitting, hubs was very worried, afraid we couldn't save for retirement. It was a couple years and mom passed away, but what a roller coaster, depressing, and aggravating. I pray I never do that to anyone. For years every vacation I had was a trip to Indiana to get her health take care of, glasses and other things. I got to do nothing else. The stress was really bad.
We are dealing with my MIL, I talked about us moving away, he said we can't go and just leave her here there is no one else. I said what about me, if you go first, I have noone and I'm stuck out here. It really worries me and he will not face it at all. Says its fine, I said what in the hell am I going to do out here at age 80 if I'm alone? And we may not be able to sell this house for much of anything by then, sigh.
I want to move where son is going, hubs said I just want to do it to have them take care of you. I said that is not the reason, I want to see grandson grow up and be part of his life and I want to be near services and be near family at least for a few years. You just want him to take care of you. It made me so mad, so I told him, you want to make sure I'm out here with no help, no services, no nothing, why? There is noone here I can ask for anything, found that out quickly when he worked overseas. I would love to have my ducks in a row, have a nice place in town, the house I want is still for sale. Want to be settled before anything might happen to either of us.
So here I will be, with noone to help and maybe a house to sell at a greatly deflated value when the power house closes and the rest of the mines here. Believe me there are lots of unreasonable people. I told him DD and I are just sitting here waiting to die. At this point I'm sorry we came back here.
And we go around periodically he wants to put everything in sons name, NO, I told him if they divorced or he died, remember what happened when DIL took your folks. No, I'm not doing it, we need money to live. I know there is a 5 year look back here, but I can't help it, it may go if you expect me to stay here for my care.
So some of us getting there have the same problem or worse, rural and no family plus DD for me to care for.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 18, 2021 22:43:40 GMT -5
Personally at this point I would leave. Why should you have to wait for his mom to die to have a life?
Leave him to it with the boxes of her paperwork. You go see your grandson grow up while you have the time.
My mom told me she never considered my grandmother might outlive her. Mom is 65. She said she may have reconsidered if she'd had a crystal ball 38 years ago.
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bookkeeper
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Post by bookkeeper on Feb 19, 2021 9:50:07 GMT -5
Rural properties provide a wonderful quality of life, until you can't do all the work anymore. My mother lives on her farm, but it takes a village to keep her there. Just maintaining a home after age 80 is too much for most people. She loves the wildlife and the privacy. All her memories are there. She would not be able to stay if my brother wasn't committed to helping her.
Assisted living and senior transportation are available in a community 15 miles away from Mom's farm. Until she is ready to make a change, she will remain in the country with no services.
She winters in TX and we were talking about the rolling black outs. I don't worry about her. She grew up in a house that barely had heat or plumbing in MN. She has weathered more winter storms than most. Of all the problems we could anticipate this winter for our Mother, running out of electricity was not one we saw coming.
We all just do the best we can until our reality changes, then we adjust and keep doing the best we can. Fortunately, Mom has been willing to adjust as we have gone along. She has been pretty good at accepting what we can and cannot do for her.
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stillmovingforward
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Post by stillmovingforward on Feb 19, 2021 16:38:17 GMT -5
So has my mother. Especially when i looked her in the eye and informed her that i had 4 needy kids and worked with a long commute. If she got sick or needed something, i wasn't going the hour plus to her house every few nights. She moved in with me and it's been mostly fine.
She is very glad now that she lives with us during the pandemic so she has a social outlet, as three of the kids had to come home and one brought a spouse. The kids are careful and do all her shopping as well. We are all very fortunate that she is easy to live with.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 19, 2021 16:51:04 GMT -5
It's hard to explain to people, my grandma is NOT sociable. Having people "up in her business" is her idea of hell. She went on an hour long rant to me after the neighbors checked to see if she was still alive because the porch light had been on for three days (it's called being a decent human being grandma). Assisted living would still have her sitting in her apartment talking to no one. All that is even less incentive to move for her. She has ALWAYS been this way, it's not a recent or new thing.
Trying to explain that to people is hard. DH and I butt heads over it regularly because he hasn't known my grandma his whole life. This is not a matter of simply sitting her down, explaining it to her and she will be so excited to not be lonely anymore. If that was the case she would have agreed to move after my grandfather died.
She doesn't want socializing she wants my dad at her beck and call. She is to be top lady in my dad's life not my mother (which is why she hates my mom). Us kids, and now the grandchildren, are also supposed to be in second place. He is to be available till the day she dies no matter how difficult it becomes. Just like my great grandmother, her mother.
While my maternal grandmother did expect to be catered to she blossomed after my grandfather died. She joined a Baptist church so she could sing in the choir which she always wanted (only nuns in the Catholic church could when she was young), she went to the theater, she had a Thelma and Louise BFF relationship with one of the gals from church. She had a full social life till a few months before she died.
I guess this highlights how important it is to have some sort of life for yourself. There is an old guy in town who paints his house for every holiday, right now it's bright pink. Sure it seems silly but it's probably something to look forward to and makes people happy.
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stillmovingforward
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Post by stillmovingforward on Feb 19, 2021 17:09:25 GMT -5
I can understand it. I have a friend who is in a relationship like that right now. If her husband is not the center of everyone's attention, including their grown kids, he'll make himself the center of attention no matter how. I feel for your dad, and the rest of you. Your mother is a saint because i'm not sure i could have stayed married to someone in your dad's position. I would not want to be second best to my husband's mother. Im very grateful for my mother's mental health and flexibility in changing her living ability.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 19, 2021 17:28:39 GMT -5
She WANTS to be. She hasn't since the day he refused to break off the engagement and move to Kansas with them. He was 21.
And us kids always came first after that. Despite what my brother says.
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stillmovingforward
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Post by stillmovingforward on Feb 19, 2021 17:31:29 GMT -5
She WANTS to be. She hasn't since the day he refused to break off the engagement and move to Kansas with them. He was 21. And us kids always came first after that. Despite what my brother says. I stand corrected. Good for your dad!
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crazycat
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Post by crazycat on Feb 19, 2021 17:46:41 GMT -5
My MIL used to be like that . She has never had a drivers license. When DH and I were dating , MIL always came first . He had to be her personal taxi , despite the fact that she has 8 kids .
On my wedding day she actually said to me - Now he is all yours .
It has gotten better over the last 3 decades + of being married , as one of my BIL’s has taken over being her personal taxi . She sold her house to my other BIL and she lives there with him , his partner , and my BIL , who’s her taxi .
But even though my DH literally works 24/7 , whenever she needs help , ( medical , insurance , personal , etc ) , she always calls my DH to fix everything. He’s gotten very good over the years to let her know what he’s willing to do . She and the rest of his family still has a very hard time actually understanding just how much he works and how little available time he actually has .
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Feb 20, 2021 11:42:51 GMT -5
It's hard to explain to people, my grandma is NOT sociable. Having people "up in her business" is her idea of hell. She went on an hour long rant to me after the neighbors checked to see if she was still alive because the porch light had been on for three days (it's called being a decent human being grandma). Assisted living would still have her sitting in her apartment talking to no one. All that is even less incentive to move for her. She has ALWAYS been this way, it's not a recent or new thing. Trying to explain that to people is hard. DH and I butt heads over it regularly because he hasn't known my grandma his whole life. This is not a matter of simply sitting her down, explaining it to her and she will be so excited to not be lonely anymore. If that was the case she would have agreed to move after my grandfather died. She doesn't want socializing she wants my dad at her beck and call. She is to be top lady in my dad's life not my mother (which is why she hates my mom). Us kids, and now the grandchildren, are also supposed to be in second place. He is to be available till the day she dies no matter how difficult it becomes. Just like my great grandmother, her mother. You are describing my MIL. As an only child he has no sibliings to share the burden. And I'm just the b*tch he married. He's been up in the Portland area for nearly 3 weeks. He's not sure he will visit her again. She's just so verbally abusive.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Feb 20, 2021 15:29:26 GMT -5
That has to be very difficult Bonny
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Feb 20, 2021 18:27:19 GMT -5
countrygirl2, since you already own multiple properties, why not just buy a house near your son? Go & see him a bunch of weeks during the year. If DH doesn't want to come along for those visits, fine. Then, assuming your DH dies first, you'll have that place to move to permanently.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 20, 2021 20:21:55 GMT -5
She and my great uncle called my dad every day. They called 5 times today.
She called the restuarant. Me and my brother tried to run interference but he figured it out.
So he called her bluff. The non emergency line was called and the firemen went out.
They said she was fine. Dad told them what she said. That she couldn't move off the couch They are giving her a talking to.
Dad said he's doing that every time she calls from now on. And he's going to figure out how to make her move.
We are to not answer our phones. Let it go to voicemail. Our jobs are to come first. I said we were trying to help but now I know that was futile. He appreciated the attempt.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Feb 20, 2021 20:27:46 GMT -5
This sounds like a weirdly positive outcome. Maybe your dad needed to see her taking advantage of your family to really see it for himself too.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 20, 2021 20:38:05 GMT -5
He knows but it has been manageable for the most part.
It's gotten massively out of control since he quit his day job. She expects him to be at her back and call all day.
My great uncle would drop the entire restaurant to rush home to cater to my great grandmother. My dad would be stuck holding the bag.
They both expect my dad to do the same thing. Nope.
So they've been trying to manipulate DH into doing it. It worked till the cheeseburger incident.
What a mess.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Feb 20, 2021 20:56:52 GMT -5
I guess one good manipulation deserves another. I really hope this works for your dad, as that situation is untenable.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2021 21:22:18 GMT -5
I guess one good manipulation deserves another.
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on Feb 20, 2021 23:55:37 GMT -5
busymom, the property up there is very expensive. Don't think I can find anything affordable. If son can get a place with an RV hookup, can take the motorhome up and leave it for visits. But I really don't want to do that and be on top of them.
I don't know guess something will eventually work out.
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jerseygirl
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Post by jerseygirl on Feb 21, 2021 0:10:25 GMT -5
busymom, the property up there is very expensive. Don't think I can find anything affordable. If son can get a place with an RV hookup, can take the motorhome up and leave it for visits. But I really don't want to do that and be on top of them. I don't know guess something will eventually work out. We visited in Seattle by staying at a nice apartment advertised on B&B
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Feb 21, 2021 14:17:04 GMT -5
busymom, the property up there is very expensive. Don't think I can find anything affordable. If son can get a place with an RV hookup, can take the motorhome up and leave it for visits. But I really don't want to do that and be on top of them. I don't know guess something will eventually work out. Why would you be looking for property? You want to downsize, so why not look for a condo that will serve your and Sue Anne's needs where you can stay. It doesn't need to be huge, just a place where you can sleep and relax. You'll likely be spending time with your son and his family, but this gives you the chance to get away from the madness. You don't need the additional responsibility of upkeep either.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 21, 2021 15:08:41 GMT -5
Apparently grandma called and was NOT happy he called the firemen on her.
Firemen gave her quite the talking to.
Parents plan on using this as leverage. You stop with the BS. move here so we can care for you or we keep sending well checks.
So we'll see.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Feb 21, 2021 15:16:39 GMT -5
Apparently grandma called and was NOT happy he called the firemen on her. Firemen gave her quite the talking to. Parents plan on using this as leverage. You stop with the BS. move here so we can care for you or we keep sending well checks. So we'll see. Good. Let her bitch. Your dad needs to stand firm and not cave. If she bitches too much, have him sit the phone down and walk away.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 21, 2021 15:34:29 GMT -5
He already hangs up. We were taking bets last night if she'd call pissed off. I left before I found out who won.
The firemen were not happy according to my mom. So whoever suggested that was spot on. I passed that tip onto my dad.
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crazycat
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Post by crazycat on Feb 21, 2021 15:44:28 GMT -5
Drama , so sorry you and your family are going through this . Glad your dad is putting his foot down . All this craziness can be very exhausting and unhealthy for everyone involved. My dad and mom need to put themselves first , IMO.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Feb 21, 2021 15:44:44 GMT -5
He already hangs up. We were taking bets last night if she'd call pissed off. I left before I found out who won. The firemen were not happy according to my mom. So whoever suggested that was spot on. I passed that tip onto my dad. I’d probably be inclined to call the local FD and tell them what’s going on. They may have other ideas as to help you do what you guys are trying to do. They also may increase the intensity of their pissed offness to help you out.
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