buystoys
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Post by buystoys on Feb 16, 2021 15:14:15 GMT -5
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ners
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Post by ners on Feb 16, 2021 15:29:51 GMT -5
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 16, 2021 15:55:17 GMT -5
So much this: I don't want my kids stuck in limbo and having to cater to me. I already feel like DD does this. Hugs, Drama I guess your brother wouldn't consult AITA on Reddit? He's too narcissitic to be capable of listening. Of course he's not the ahole my parents are for daring to go on a vacation. DH got it taken care of but told her if this happens again he'll be taking her to her brother's till my parents get back.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2021 16:00:55 GMT -5
So much this: I don't want my kids stuck in limbo and having to cater to me. I already feel like DD does this. Hugs, Drama I guess your brother wouldn't consult AITA on Reddit? He's too narcissitic to be capable of listening. Of course he's not the ahole my parents are for daring to go on a vacation. I hope you, your DH and your parents each tear him a new one. Then he can be TA x three. It's probably an exercise in futility, but I hope you'll all have the conversation with your grandmother again and again and again and again. Pour on the guilt if you must. It's time y'all talked to her like Dutch uncles.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Feb 16, 2021 16:06:35 GMT -5
If she cannot get around her place by herself, it's time to get social services involved. JMHO. Sometimes, they need to be the "bad guys" to get a stubborn old person placed into assisted living, or a nursing home. (Ask me how I know this...)
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2021 16:15:23 GMT -5
If she cannot get around her place by herself, it's time to get social services involved. JMHO. Sometimes, they need to be the "bad guys" to get a stubborn old person placed into assisted living, or a nursing home. (Ask me how I know this...) NomoreDramaQ1015 Yes yes and yes. Can you get your parents to call the local council on aging folks? Maybe their intervention could convince her. Cerebral palsy, aging, living alone = not good. How old is she?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 16, 2021 16:28:56 GMT -5
If she cannot get around her place by herself, it's time to get social services involved. JMHO. Sometimes, they need to be the "bad guys" to get a stubborn old person placed into assisted living, or a nursing home. (Ask me how I know this...) NomoreDramaQ1015 Yes yes and yes. Can you get your parents to call the local council on aging folks? Maybe their intervention could convince her. Cerebral palsy, aging, living alone = not good. How old is she? I want to say early 80s but IDK off the top of my head. My parents are working on it. DH will likely talk to him about it tonight or tomorrow depending on when they call. However keep in mind that if she doesn't want to go she likely won't go. I can also understand, if you have read anything in the news, about my dad's hesitancy to put her anywhere right now in Iowa. We're not exactly rocking it out in either the COVID management or vaccination distribution. My mom is looking into home health. Whether or not this will change things IDK.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Feb 16, 2021 17:43:23 GMT -5
I didn't have the POA to do anything when my dad should have been in either assisted living or a nursing home. So he went from independent living to 10 days in the hospital to 3 weeks in a nursing home to a funeral home.
My sister has finally said (sort of) that she couldn't see it but in retrospect she thinks he should have been moved sooner. I'm not having conversations now about it. It's too late.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Feb 16, 2021 18:50:24 GMT -5
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Feb 17, 2021 1:19:10 GMT -5
Sorry Drama. I am actually thankful that my in laws moved themselves into assisted living. Admitting that it’s too much seems to be a rarity these days.
My brother moved my dad into a different, independent living place-didn’t see the need for assisted living if we’re paying for full time aides, and the previous AL place was being a bit shady. Says Dad seems to like the new place okay. It’s a bigger apartment with a full set of regular sized appliances and his own door to the outside (important for smoking). Brother signed him up for a months worth of two meals a day; I’m elected to order groceries on a regular (probably weekly) basis going forward but he can go to the facility’s restaurants whenever and supposedly has his tablet set up to order fast food too. I’ll have to figure out how to coordinate with the aides to make sure I’m ordering appropriately.
Brother is heading back up after spending nearly 3 months down there. I’m hoping to drag DS and DH down for a visit in a month or so...still nervous about covid, but we’ll take as many precautions as possible (drive straight down, order everything delivered, quarantine and test on return, etc.).
In laws seem pretty happy with their AL facility. FIL is pretty social and I think being homebound was getting to him. Today was MIL’s bday...we regifted her the apple watch I originally bought Dad (his iphone wasn’t compatible and I didn’t feel like trying to return it after he threw away the box) and she seems really pleased with it. Also ordered door dash for dinner for them.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 17, 2021 8:29:28 GMT -5
My resentment stems more from her being cheap and moving to Treynor when they came back from Kansas. I was in high school at the time and she was warned then about moving out there. If she lived HERE it would not be quite as big an issue.
I own my maternal grandmother's house, she moved across the street from my parents shortly after my grandfather died. The house was too big and it was across town. She agreed to move to be closer to my mother. She lived in the house until she died from surgery complications at 78.
Driving to Treynor and back is almost half a tank of gas each time. We also all work and cannot zoom out there every time she needs the garbage taken out. There is NOTHING out there and she can't drive anymore which means she has to be brought back here to do anything.
Don't move to one horse towns when you are old! Sure the cheap taxes, big houses and lower taxes are great when you are DH and I's age and want a bang for your buck. When you are an older person, especially an older person who is starting to require more assistance it just makes more sense to live where A) family is if they are willing and we are and B) live where they are freaking elderly services in case they can't/won't.
It's finding people that are willing to go all the way out that that don't require the selling of our kidneys to afford that is the biggest hurdle for my parents.
I suppose we should be grateful that she's at least not in Kansas anymore. That's a 5 hour drive.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Feb 17, 2021 10:47:54 GMT -5
I get it Drama. My parents did nothing to prepare for the final stages of their lives. Nothing. Even now, my mom is not interested in doing it. Her desire for control comes first and foremost. She's unwilling to even consider as the house is being fixed up, to do it with an eye towards resale. Emotions, fear, and dysfunction will guide her decision making. I can't do anything about it.
And, there is no one else. No other family, and well, most friends were alienated. I was actually hoping that I was written out of their wills the way my mom was talking at one point.
So. You know the drill. Boundaries and all of that...Even with your parents. If you don't have the legal ability to make decisions on behalf of your grandma...no works too. Sure timing sucks with your parents going on vacation. But, that is not your problem. Or your brothers, or your husbands.
I was actually surprised at the limits I was drawing with mom even with the financial stuff. Of course, I don't want my mom to be taken advantage of. But, first and foremost, I must protect myself because I have no POA authority. If there's even a remote chance in hell she can accuse of me something later on because I helped he when she asked/needed it, absolutely the answer is "no." It also helps me to reframe that helping my mom is still a choice I make. I don't have to do it. I certainly would be justified if I decided "nope...she's on her own."
It might help to brainstorm ideas on what to do next time something like this happens. DH and I had been brainstorming how to be ready when my dad died, incase my mom wanted me. Actually DH pushed for it, because I assumed she'd turn me away again. But, he was like, nope...and he was right. It really did help us to prepare for something somewhat unpredictable.
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jerseygirl
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Post by jerseygirl on Feb 17, 2021 10:59:02 GMT -5
A colleague with an excellent pharma career in Nj came from a very small town in rural Illinois. Her mom got older and sicker, colleague visited numerous times to help her mom. Hired caretakers that her mom routinely fired. Of course wouldn’t move to nursing home.Mom wanted colleague to quit her job and move in with mom. Even when she visited mom wouldn’t take meds, go to doctor appointments clean disastrous house or herself or accept her daughter ordering groceries from NJ to be sent to mom
Finally colleague just told her mom I’m done, you live as you want and don’t accept anything I try to help you She had a miserable brother who lived in same town as mom and didn’t help or even visit mom. When mom died the brother sold mom’s house and farm and kept all the money. An upsetting experience
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buystoys
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Post by buystoys on Feb 17, 2021 11:09:00 GMT -5
My mom said she would never move in with her kids. Yet when it came time to consider a nursing home, she refused to go. She moved in with my sister instead. She's fired every single home aid my sister hired, so now sis had to quit her job to take care of our parents. I don't hold it against my sister, but I do resent having to "babysit" once in a while so my sister can go out and do things. Mom has degenerated enough that she can't be left alone even for short periods of time. I've kind of checked out to be honest. My sister is a better person than I am as I wouldn't take my folks in now for anything. They had that option when we first moved down here and threw it away. No way am I going to change my mind. Especially when I see how mom treats sis now. When sis approached her about firing the home aids, mom told her she didn't care if sis had to quit her job. She's become more and more self centered. I'm going to stop whinging now. At least I don't have that on MY plate to deal with every day.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Feb 17, 2021 11:17:37 GMT -5
I totally checked out with dad when I had no control and couldn't get my sister, who had all the POAs, to listen. I couldn't bear to watch what I was seeing and how he was living. What made me check out was he needed help and I couldn't get it for him
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stillmovingforward
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Post by stillmovingforward on Feb 17, 2021 11:26:49 GMT -5
Listening to you guys makes me more determined to sell my house and move to the city where I'll have uber and shopping close by. And delivery options. Lets hope i recognize this before the time comes. I want to move in my time, not under duress.
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snapdragon
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Post by snapdragon on Feb 17, 2021 11:47:34 GMT -5
That is one of the things I am looking at right now for when I leave this state. I know it is going to be a few years until it happens but I really want to make sure that I can get services and am close to a decent hospital and there is expanded medicare. Also cultural/civic things that would interest me.
I don't have children and I have not been married so everything is going to fall upon me making sure that I structured things for my eventual future and "golden years."
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 17, 2021 13:11:03 GMT -5
Oh she's not moving in with my parents. She HATES my mother and now has even less of a filter than she did back in 1982. My mom is not doing all this stuff for her. She's taking it on because that's what you do for your spouse who has no one else to back him up. Neither of us want my dad dropping dead from a stress induced heart attack or dying by going off the ravine driving out there in the winter. That's why DH does it too. He knows it's not technically his job but he does it out of respect for my dad. I have limited my interaction with grandma because of the way she talks about my mother. DH actually told her off yesterday because she got on a rant about how dare my dad go on vacation when "she needs him" and my no good mother must have forced him to leave her. DH has already told her that if this happens again while they are gone he is driving her to her brother's and she will stay there until my dad gets back. He's not taking time off work this was a one time emergency situation. She won't move in with her brother either (who is also single, not married and elderly leaving my dad his sole relative also) which while not great location wise either at least she would not be living alone. Yeah I know boundaries and I have made my peace with it. We are likely going to find her dead on the floor in the near future. And odds are it's going to be me or DH that finds her because that's just how things go. My brother is a fucking selfish dick. It's not about boundaries with him at all it's he just doesn't want to get up because he's so tired after working 3 days a week and being a part time dad. IMHO in exchange for all these years mooching off my parents he should have to move out to Treynor and be grandma's full time care giver. That or pay rent/get a real job. Either way it would be a win for everyone.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 17, 2021 13:41:27 GMT -5
AND she's called DH again wanting stuff. DH told her no he is working he will call her back at 5 pm and determine then if he needs to go out.
God between her, my great uncle and my brother no wonder my dad looks like he's ready to explode at any minute. We're only on day 2 and we're ready to murder someone.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Feb 17, 2021 13:58:34 GMT -5
Dang! I’m sorry, Drama. This isn’t fair for your dad or you, and it sounds like the situation has become untenable. When your folks get home, there needs to be changes made....changes your grandma isn’t going to like.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 17, 2021 14:05:08 GMT -5
Dang! I’m sorry, Drama. This isn’t fair for your dad or you, and it sounds like the situation has become untenable. When your folks get home, there needs to be changes made....changes your grandma isn’t going to like. Yeah it's eroding fast. I'm worried and so is DH and my mom that this is going to drive my dad to a stroke/heart attack. He's only 60 and is a unicorn like I am health wise but still. This is completely unacceptable. Thing is he would never tell his mom you made your choices if you don't want to move fine. That's not the type of person my dad is even if he should be in this instance. He's finally done working full time, has three grandchild to spend time with and we're having to deal with stubborn old people instead. He should have the right to live his own life. Just because my great uncle dedicated his entire life to caring for my great grandmother. Yeah well he didn't have a wife, children or grandchildren. My grandma is turning into my great grandmother right down to the horrid personality and it pisses me off. I reminded DH to tell both of them that we work. Since they are not immediate family we can't be answering the phone 24/7 or rushing to do random chores for them. If it is an emergency call 911 FIRST and then we'll get there when we can. If it is not then you're going to have to deal with it till we decide if we have the time. I also do not want them getting in the habit of calling DH if they don't think my dad responds fast enough. DH also has his own life to live and they aren't even his relatives so he has even less of an obligation.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 17, 2021 20:45:47 GMT -5
Omg I want to cry. We just got another call this time great uncle claiming she has no food so can DH get some.
Its 8:00. DH says she has groceries he brought them out there yesterday.
Along with another rant about how dare my dad go on vacation.
I feel like we're being punished.
Correction I KNOW we are being punished.
She guilt tripped him with the implication she may burn herself using the stove. DH said she has bread and peanut butter.
I told DH we have to tell dad when he gets back. We don't want to ruin their vacation.
They may not live till dad gets back if they keep it up. If we don't murder them dad needs to have a talk with them. AGAIN.
Getting dad lots and lots of booze for his birthday. I am just in complete and utter awe over the fact he hasn't gone postal.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Feb 17, 2021 21:02:12 GMT -5
Sounds like attention seeking behavior. I'm glad your DH knows for sure that there is food.
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Feb 17, 2021 21:10:09 GMT -5
Omg I want to cry. We just got another call this time great uncle claiming she has no food so can DH get some. Its 8:00. DH says she has groceries he brought them out there yesterday. Along with another rant about how dare my dad go on vacation. I feel like we're being punished. Correction I KNOW we are being punished. She guilt tripped him with the implication she may burn herself using the stove. DH said she has bread and peanut butter. I told DH we have to tell dad when he gets back. We don't want to ruin their vacation. They may not live till dad gets back if they keep it up. If we don't murder them dad needs to have a talk with them. AGAIN. Getting dad lots and lots of booze for his birthday. I am just in complete and utter awe over the fact he hasn't gone postal. I feel like you really need to make sure she has your brother’s number and 911 and just block calls from her during work hours...seriously, if she can’t get to the bathroom by herself she has no business living alone. If she calls 911 enough for non emergencies she’ll get into official hot water and you might have more leverage? Yes, boundaries. Boundaries are hard when someone you (used to) care about is stomping all over them. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Vindictive and attention seeking with a victim mentality is a really toxic combination.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 17, 2021 21:11:46 GMT -5
Sounds like attention seeking behavior. I'm glad your DH knows for sure that there is food. He checked when he was out there and also brought some with him. She admitted she had food when he called. Maybe live where Doordash delivers?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 17, 2021 21:19:29 GMT -5
And now DH knows why my dad lies when he goes on vacation.
Problem is he forgot to remind DH. I forgot to say something.
DH used the "v" word and now all hell has broken loose.
The one year my dad said they went to a word processing convention. That was a good one.
You shouldn't have to lie to your parent when you are 60.
This is all so messed up and out of control. I had no idea. I knew it wasn't optimal but how much has my dad been dealing with and not telling us?
What a load to try to be carrying alone. He feels it's his obligation that's how my parents were raised but JFC.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2021 21:20:45 GMT -5
I don't even know what to say. If you block her number, she'll be calling your dad. He doesn't need it. Well, you don't need it, either. I'd be real tempted to fetch her and haul her to great uncle's place and leave her there. Really. My patience wouldn't be worn thin, it would be worn out. Sounds like it's not even a case of enough is enough. It's a case of enough is more than enough. It's time to find a way to put a stop to it. I have no idea what way that would be except to get social services involved.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 17, 2021 21:34:53 GMT -5
I suppose one good thing is DH agreed we should start discussing our own old age now.
We don't ever want the girls in this position if we can avoid it.
I certainly am not raising them with the notion the only reason I had them is to be my caretaker when I refuse to accept I'm old.
Of course I want them in my lives forever and they may have to intervene but I don't want to deliberately be a burden because they owe me for being born.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Feb 17, 2021 21:54:27 GMT -5
Can you just tell her to call the uncle and tell him take care of her?
You and your hubby have more patience than we do.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 17, 2021 21:59:01 GMT -5
Can you just tell her to call the uncle and tell him take care of her? You and your hubby have more patience than we do. He can't drive at night. None of us can stop him if he wants to drive during the day. I only pray they don't take out others with them. Fortunately very little traffic on Hwy 92 so most likely flying off the road into ditch. DH agreed if this continues we park her there and deal with the consequences. We can't do this all week.
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