Battling Depression

[lurkyloo]

I think I’ve mostly emerged for now but this year has been a struggle.  I really wish I could take antidepressants or something to stabilize me from spiraling, because I can feel it happening when it does. friggin migraines.

[azucena]

Jun 12, 2024 8:20:49 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Jun 11, 2024 20:53:24 GMT -5 azucena said:

Sarah- I don't feel like i remember your story, age, etc. Are you able to walk your dog?

I'm usually of the persuasion that we don't quit things either but she's in such a bad place right now.

And her 11 yr old type of depression allows her to still have fun with her friends - today she played with the neighbor kids for 8 hours straight. She made them Mac and cheese for lunch, they worked for 3+ hours on their massive box fort, they froze some weird concoction they are calling brains, and they chalked the driveway. She was happy and laughing thru most of that as I was working but could hear them. But to hear her tell it at dinner, she barely had fun. It's mind boggling to witness.

My gut is leaning towards trying new therapist next week without officially letting go of the first one. It's a little confusing to dd11 but I'm explaining it as sometimes we learn all we can from one therapist and need to make a change to continue growing. Her current therapist is only still provisionally licensed and I think dd11 needs someone with more experience to see thru her masking and really challenge her.

If there’s ever a time to be a little extra and/or throw money at a problem, adding an extra therapist for a struggling preteen is it.  I support your gut 

Do you think hormones are playing in to some of the problems?

Oh for sure, hormones aren't helping. Ped guessed she's within 6 months of starting her period - all the signs are there. Two of my depression episodes have been when I weaned each of them.

After more thought, my gut also says quit swim team and stick with theater, but that would back tracking with DD11 about letting her decide both.

And I'd been venting to my mom and even asked her to come by one day after work last week to hang with DD11 so I could be by myself for a bit. Unfortunately, my mom let on that she knew too many details and even tried some kind of tough love tactic with DD11 which is so not what either of us needed. Now I need to circle back and remind mom that I'd told her details in confidence and that I was looking for her to lean in as grandma not parent my child. Like I need more emotional conflict on my to do list.

[finnime]

How are you doing today, Works4me? Sarah

- Sue

[finnime]

Jun 12, 2024 8:24:30 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

I think I’ve mostly emerged for now but this year has been a struggle.  I really wish I could take antidepressants or something to stabilize me from spiraling, because I can feel it happening when it does. friggin migraines.

My shrink doubled my dose of one medication to help melt away this bout of depression. IME it will take a very short time, three days or so, to take effect. In a couple of months I can go back down. This, Abilify, is an atypical antidepressant and an antipsychotic at even higher doses. I know I'm not lost, because I feel confident it will work this time, too.

I wish there were an easily available solution for you.

[daisylu]

Thinking of you, Works4me

[lurkyloo]

Jun 13, 2024 3:16:09 GMT -5 finnime said:

Jun 12, 2024 8:24:30 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

I think I’ve mostly emerged for now but this year has been a struggle.  I really wish I could take antidepressants or something to stabilize me from spiraling, because I can feel it happening when it does. friggin migraines.

My shrink doubled my dose of one medication to help melt away this bout of depression. IME it will take a very short time, three days or so, to take effect. In a couple of months I can go back down. This, Abilify, is an atypical antidepressant and an antipsychotic at even higher doses. I know I'm not lost, because I feel confident it will work this time, too.

I wish there were an easily available solution for you.

I am very glad you got help 

At some point I will set up another appointment with DS’ psych for myself to discuss further options. I think we’ve tried both SSRIs and SNRIs, but maybe an atypical would work.  But for now I’m still chipping away at the time-sensitive to-do list with no bandwidth left for the nice to haves-and cramming on extras or doing things on someone else’s schedule is not worth the mental health backlash 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Jun 13, 2024 7:59:49 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Jun 13, 2024 3:16:09 GMT -5 finnime said:

My shrink doubled my dose of one medication to help melt away this bout of depression. IME it will take a very short time, three days or so, to take effect. In a couple of months I can go back down. This, Abilify, is an atypical antidepressant and an antipsychotic at even higher doses. I know I'm not lost, because I feel confident it will work this time, too.

I wish there were an easily available solution for you.

I am very glad you got help 

At some point I will set up another appointment with DS’ psych for myself to discuss further options. I think we’ve tried both SSRIs and SNRIs, but maybe an atypical would work.  But for now I’m still chipping away at the time-sensitive to-do list with no bandwidth left for the nice to haves-and cramming on extras or doing things on someone else’s schedule is not worth the mental health backlash 

Have you asked about the genetic testing.  If you have failed at SSRIs and SNRIs that is at least two different medications.   All it involved was them taking a cheek swab I didn't even have to have an appointment.  Took like five minutes.

I ended up on Prestiq.   Mirtazipine ended up on the no list which wasn't a shocker.

Wellbutrin was on the green side which surprised me because it made me manic to the level where I had to stop taking it immediately.   So the test isn't perfect obviously but it did give my doctor a list of medications to try she may not have thought of before there are so many on the market nowadays.

Another interesting thing on mine was I noticed a lot of the medications you'd prescribe for ADD were in the yellow/red categories too.  Which kinda sucks because there goes taking anything for that.

BUT finding something that controls my anxiety/depression does free up brain space to use behavioral techniques to control the ADD so I consider the test to have been worth it.  Finding something that controls two out of three ain't bad.

I have issues metabolizing drugs.  I am either too fast or too slow.  Prestiq has a 12 hour half life which is perfect for my metabolism but God fucking help me if I forget to take a dose.  The withdraw symptoms are a BITCH.  It's good incentize to remember to take them.

[lurkyloo]

Jun 13, 2024 8:11:01 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Jun 13, 2024 7:59:49 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

I am very glad you got help 

At some point I will set up another appointment with DS’ psych for myself to discuss further options. I think we’ve tried both SSRIs and SNRIs, but maybe an atypical would work.  But for now I’m still chipping away at the time-sensitive to-do list with no bandwidth left for the nice to haves-and cramming on extras or doing things on someone else’s schedule is not worth the mental health backlash 

Have you asked about the genetic testing.  If you have failed at SSRIs and SNRIs that is at least two different medications.   All it involved was them taking a cheek swab I didn't even have to have an appointment.  Took like five minutes.

I ended up on Prestiq.   Mirtazipine ended up on the no list which wasn't a shocker.

Wellbutrin was on the green side which surprised me because it made me manic to the level where I had to stop taking it immediately.   So the test isn't perfect obviously but it did give my doctor a list of medications to try she may not have thought of before there are so many on the market nowadays.

Another interesting thing on mine was I noticed a lot of the medications you'd prescribe for ADD were in the yellow/red categories too.  Which kinda sucks because there goes taking anything for that.

BUT finding something that controls my anxiety/depression does free up brain space to use behavioral techniques to control the ADD so I consider the test to have been worth it.  Finding something that controls two out of three ain't bad.

I have issues metabolizing drugs.  I am either too fast or too slow.  Prestiq has a 12 hour half life which is perfect for my metabolism but God fucking help me if I forget to take a dose.  The withdraw symptoms are a BITCH.  It's good incentize to remember to take them.

I suspect I’d come up with under-active CYPs or something if I did the testing    It always seems like I’m quite a bit more sensitive to medications than the average joe…that dental numbing stuff for example takes forever to wear off.

SSRIs worked well for me in grad school but I’ve become a lot more migraine prone since then and the three SSRI or SNRI meds I’ve tried, including one putative migraine preventive, have all triggered ongoing migraines.  I’m not sure they know enough about the interplay there to be able to connect the dots on genetic profiling-they’re figuring it out slowly but migraines are still much more black box than open book. Sequencing is also not a be-all end-all; it doesn’t tell you much about expression levels…unless they’ve gone to mRNA sequencing and counts while I wasn’t looking?

I’ll bring it up with the psych if/when I set up an appointment with her…dangit, need to text a request for DS med refill today.

The biggest reason I’m not on meds for ADHD is because the standard stimulants are contraindicated for anxiety, and the fact I deal with a lot of it has been obvious to her from day 1    Hence her trying me on antidepressants first.  

Definitely can’t go on an MAO inhibitor.  I love my cheese!

[azucena]

Jun 13, 2024 7:59:49 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Jun 13, 2024 3:16:09 GMT -5 finnime said:

My shrink doubled my dose of one medication to help melt away this bout of depression. IME it will take a very short time, three days or so, to take effect. In a couple of months I can go back down. This, Abilify, is an atypical antidepressant and an antipsychotic at even higher doses. I know I'm not lost, because I feel confident it will work this time, too.

I wish there were an easily available solution for you.

I am very glad you got help 

At some point I will set up another appointment with DS’ psych for myself to discuss further options. I think we’ve tried both SSRIs and SNRIs, but maybe an atypical would work.  But for now I’m still chipping away at the time-sensitive to-do list with no bandwidth left for the nice to haves-and cramming on extras or doing things on someone else’s schedule is not worth the mental health backlash 

Lurky - gonna push you on this one a bit. As another working mom with never ending to do list for everyone else, pls make this a priority not only for yourself but also for your family.

[lurkyloo]

Jun 13, 2024 9:51:23 GMT -5 azucena said:

Jun 13, 2024 7:59:49 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

I am very glad you got help 

At some point I will set up another appointment with DS’ psych for myself to discuss further options. I think we’ve tried both SSRIs and SNRIs, but maybe an atypical would work.  But for now I’m still chipping away at the time-sensitive to-do list with no bandwidth left for the nice to haves-and cramming on extras or doing things on someone else’s schedule is not worth the mental health backlash 

Lurky - gonna push you on this one a bit. As another working mom with never ending to do list for everyone else, pls make this a priority not only for yourself but also for your family.

I appreciate this, but if I’m going to try another drug it has to happen at a time when things won’t go off the rails if I’m down with a migraine for 10+ days, as happened when she tried to put me back on Zoloft-duloxetine not much better     I’m ok for now and I’ll have room to breathe (and set up appointments) in early July. You are welcome to nag me then 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Jun 13, 2024 9:48:58 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Jun 13, 2024 8:11:01 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Have you asked about the genetic testing.  If you have failed at SSRIs and SNRIs that is at least two different medications.   All it involved was them taking a cheek swab I didn't even have to have an appointment.  Took like five minutes.

I ended up on Prestiq.   Mirtazipine ended up on the no list which wasn't a shocker.

Wellbutrin was on the green side which surprised me because it made me manic to the level where I had to stop taking it immediately.   So the test isn't perfect obviously but it did give my doctor a list of medications to try she may not have thought of before there are so many on the market nowadays.

Another interesting thing on mine was I noticed a lot of the medications you'd prescribe for ADD were in the yellow/red categories too.  Which kinda sucks because there goes taking anything for that.

BUT finding something that controls my anxiety/depression does free up brain space to use behavioral techniques to control the ADD so I consider the test to have been worth it.  Finding something that controls two out of three ain't bad.

I have issues metabolizing drugs.  I am either too fast or too slow.  Prestiq has a 12 hour half life which is perfect for my metabolism but God fucking help me if I forget to take a dose.  The withdraw symptoms are a BITCH.  It's good incentize to remember to take them.

I suspect I’d come up with under-active CYPs or something if I did the testing    It always seems like I’m quite a bit more sensitive to medications than the average joe…that dental numbing stuff for example takes forever to wear off.

SSRIs worked well for me in grad school but I’ve become a lot more migraine prone since then and the three SSRI or SNRI meds I’ve tried, including one putative migraine preventive, have all triggered ongoing migraines.  I’m not sure they know enough about the interplay there to be able to connect the dots on genetic profiling-they’re figuring it out slowly but migraines are still much more black box than open book. Sequencing is also not a be-all end-all; it doesn’t tell you much about expression levels…unless they’ve gone to mRNA sequencing and counts while I wasn’t looking?

I’ll bring it up with the psych if/when I set up an appointment with her…dangit, need to text a request for DS med refill today.

The biggest reason I’m not on meds for ADHD is because the standard stimulants are contraindicated for anxiety, and the fact I deal with a lot of it has been obvious to her from day 1    Hence her trying me on antidepressants first.  

Definitely can’t go on an MAO inhibitor.  I love my cheese!

I know it's not the be all end all.  For my doctor she uses it as a guideline. It does give more direction than just "here try this" "oh shit we done fucked up so cross that one off the list".  She said it does help narrow things down and give a better place to start.

I can't take Wellbutrin but it was on my green list.  So that doesn't line up.  

However Prozac was in the yellow which makes my brother suicidal and my mom couldn't take either so that lines up genetically. 

Same with my results for lorazepam which was in the red.  That lines up with my mother's experience on it.

Mirtazipine was in the red with the indicator that I can't metabolize it properly.  That lines up when I looked at it's half life and based on the side effects I was actually overdosing myself on what the psych prescribed.  I had too much of it in my system at any given time.

Apparently my body eats Wellbutrin like it's crack that was a very interesting afternoon.   That was not a slow release by any stretch of the imagination.

We decided on Prestiq because it tends to be on the green list for a lot of people who can't take anything else and based on my metabolic indicators it was a good fit because of it's short half life.  It is an SSNI which is regulating both my depression and anixety rather than jacking one or the other up like SSRIs and anti-anxiety medications do.

[Works4me]

2pm Dr appt - hanging on for now. More later.

[lurkyloo]

Jun 13, 2024 14:14:21 GMT -5 Works4me said:

2pm Dr appt - hanging on for now. More later.

Really glad you checked in 

[TheOtherMe]

Today was my first session with my therapist since this whole cancer thing started.  

I couldn't get my camera to work and I had really wanted her to see my face.  

She validated that my hurt feelings that my local family hasn't shown they care.  I needed to hear that.  I also needed to hear that I feel so tired because my body is fighting.  Look at my face.  My body is battling and that takes energy.  

It's okay to focus on getting through this and take care of me and the cats and let everything else go.  Only do what I feel like doing.

She does know the surgeon and says he is very good and if he told me I would be left disfigured and he would not be able to make me look like I was not disfigured, he was telling me the truth.  She said for some people he is able to work what looks like a miracle.  

So I listen to him and his advice and make decisions with him.

I needed all of this.

[busymom]

Jun 13, 2024 14:33:23 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Today was my first session with my therapist since this whole cancer thing started.  

I couldn't get my camera to work and I had really wanted her to see my face.  

She validated that my hurt feelings that my local family hasn't shown they care.  I needed to hear that.  I also needed to hear that I feel so tired because my body is fighting.  Look at my face.  My body is battling and that takes energy.  

It's okay to focus on getting through this and take care of me and the cats and let everything else go.  Only do what I feel like doing.

She does know the surgeon and says he is very good and if he told me I would be left disfigured and he would not be able to make me look like I was not disfigured, he was telling me the truth.  She said for some people he is able to work what looks like a miracle.  

So I listen to him and his advice and make decisions with him.

I needed all of this.

         Your therapist sounds excellent!  

[Pink Cashmere]

Jun 13, 2024 14:23:11 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Jun 13, 2024 14:14:21 GMT -5 Works4me said:

2pm Dr appt - hanging on for now. More later.

Really glad you checked in 

YES! I’m really glad too!

[Pink Cashmere]

Jun 13, 2024 14:33:23 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Today was my first session with my therapist since this whole cancer thing started.  

I couldn't get my camera to work and I had really wanted her to see my face.  

She validated that my hurt feelings that my local family hasn't shown they care.  I needed to hear that.  I also needed to hear that I feel so tired because my body is fighting.  Look at my face.  My body is battling and that takes energy.  

It's okay to focus on getting through this and take care of me and the cats and let everything else go.  Only do what I feel like doing.

She does know the surgeon and says he is very good and if he told me I would be left disfigured and he would not be able to make me look like I was not disfigured, he was telling me the truth.  She said for some people he is able to work what looks like a miracle.  

So I listen to him and his advice and make decisions with him.

I needed all of this.

I am glad you had the session and got some things that you needed from it. 

[TheOtherMe]

Jun 13, 2024 14:53:17 GMT -5 busymom said:

Jun 13, 2024 14:33:23 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Today was my first session with my therapist since this whole cancer thing started.  

I couldn't get my camera to work and I had really wanted her to see my face.  

She validated that my hurt feelings that my local family hasn't shown they care.  I needed to hear that.  I also needed to hear that I feel so tired because my body is fighting.  Look at my face.  My body is battling and that takes energy.  

It's okay to focus on getting through this and take care of me and the cats and let everything else go.  Only do what I feel like doing.

She does know the surgeon and says he is very good and if he told me I would be left disfigured and he would not be able to make me look like I was not disfigured, he was telling me the truth.  She said for some people he is able to work what looks like a miracle.  

So I listen to him and his advice and make decisions with him.

I needed all of this.

         Your therapist sounds excellent!  

She is excellent except when it comes to my concerns about Covid.  We have finally agreed to disagree and not raise the issue unless telehealth goes away.

She will not commit that she will wear a mask for at my request.  If she won't do that, I will be done with therapy because that probably means telehealth is over as far as insurance and Medicare are concerned.

[finnime]

This is the third day of taking the new dosage of Abilify. I should know very soon, as early as today or if not, tomorrow, if it's taking effect. My old doctor in Maryland who had a background in pharmacology as well as medicine said he'd never seen another medication like it in terms of speed of response. I'm trying to temper my hope in case it takes longer this time. I can't afford to go futher down right now, or ever.

[daisylu]

Jun 14, 2024 2:54:15 GMT -5 finnime said:

This is the third day of taking the new dosage of Abilify. I should know very soon, as early as today or if not, tomorrow, if it's taking effect. My old doctor in Maryland who had a background in pharmacology as well as medicine said he'd never seen another medication like it in terms of speed of response. I'm trying to temper my hope in case it takes longer this time. I can't afford to go futher down right now, or ever.

Fingers crossed for you. 

[lurkyloo]

Jun 14, 2024 6:44:50 GMT -5 daisylu said:

Jun 14, 2024 2:54:15 GMT -5 finnime said:

This is the third day of taking the new dosage of Abilify. I should know very soon, as early as today or if not, tomorrow, if it's taking effect. My old doctor in Maryland who had a background in pharmacology as well as medicine said he'd never seen another medication like it in terms of speed of response. I'm trying to temper my hope in case it takes longer this time. I can't afford to go futher down right now, or ever.

Fingers crossed for you. 

[Works4me]

Better than yesterday but sleep was off so I'm drowsy & napping as was exhausted for the first time in a long time yesterday instead of the numbness. More layer when I can think - just didn't want to be silent SD I know it worries me in others.

[finnime]

I think the aircraft carrier that is my MDD has changed direction. Actually, I'm certain of it. I found myself laughing at a joke DH made and generally feel much lighter. 

[CCL]

Jun 15, 2024 9:52:04 GMT -5 finnime said:

I think the aircraft carrier that is my MDD has changed direction. Actually, I'm certain of it. I found myself laughing at a joke DH made and generally feel much lighter. 

Yay!

[finnime]

It's been 31 years now. My father died suddenly on Father's Day in 1993, a massive heart attack. He was 60. I had not seen him since Christmas. My mother followed 10 years later to the day. I always remember them on this day especially and mourn privately.

I really miss them. I'm jealous of you that have any living parents. My father never met my son, who just turned 30. They were delighted with DD and the other 7 grandchildren.

There. Now I've remembered.

[ken a.k.a OMK]

 for finnime and anyone needing one today.

[finnime]

Thank you, ken a.k.a OMK.

[Pink Cashmere]

finnime 

[azucena]

Dd15 started with a new therapist this afternoon bc her old one moved to Chicago and virtual wasn't great for dd.

New therapist is young and just a yr or two into practicing so still being supervised. She said dd doesn't have a panic disorder bc dd isn't afraid of oncoming panic attacks. I don't think that's the right definition based on other therapy and Dr Google. Panic disorder is frequent panic attacks that don't always have a direct cause. So now I feel like I'm back to calling around to find a third therapist and wasting low key summer time for dd to get ahead of coping skills while her schedule isn't packed.

Dd11 has new therapist appt on Thurs. Maybe that Dr has a good vibe and more openings.

Yesterday dd11 started her period. She was prepped and ready but definitely stinks for her to deal with that on top of everything else. She turns 12 beg of Aug.

Bonus teen quit her job at camp. I kinda think she was more homesick than anything. She already has an interview for part time at movie theater tomorrow and another at subway on weds. Likely going to have to bicker with her mom over getting soc sec card for employer.

Somehow I'm getting her school records and have medical proxy at one of the main medicaid offices. Getting an appt can take weeks and that's only if someone actually calls back. Will have to go tues next week at 6 am to stand in line for walk in dental appt at 9.

Dh decided my van needed new tires but scheduled over my eye Dr appt and then wanted me to drive to his work to exchange cars. Texted him back nope, figure it out. He responded that he was already helping by getting van taken care of. Um, helping doesn't usually cause another person more work. Then I proceeded to blast him via text listing all the things I did in the last 48 hours that went unnoticed. He chose not to respond and has since come home from work and ignored me. Might be for the best as in the words of Pink - I ain't playin today.

And, yes, i recognize that he's unlikely to change, still figuring out if I can compensate with firmer boundaries than I've had in the past.

[finnime]

Thinking of you, azucena. Your cup runneth over, again and again.