Battling Depression

[daisylu]

azucena

Regarding appointments, with so many doctors in my area having a long lead time for new patient appointments I have found it beneficial to schedule several within a 2 week period and cancel those that end up being not needed. I hope you find a therapist that is a good fit soon. Starting over and over again with new therapists is difficult for everyone, but especially someone DD's age. 

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Works4me, how are you doing? 

[Works4me]

Thanks for asking Chloe - I'm slowly improving but tire very easily. Pain management appt today for monthly med monitoring and tomorrow for quarterly injections in my lower back. J had outpatient surgery, stayed in town with one of his boys/family and should be back today. I have really enjoyed the time alone and am seriously considering moving out on my own - what is the saying about depression vs dealing w assholes?

[finnime]

Glad you're on an even keel, Works4me. It takes a lot to climb back up. Maybe living on your own for  a while would be a good thing.

I always find it difficult to think through the ramifications of something when I'm in a bout. My thinking gets sludgy.

Looking back, now that I'm decidedly doing better, I can see that I'd been faltering for a while, just not the cohesive person of action, thoughts and feeling I should be. It was the dread that crept in that told me time to change things up.

[finnime]

I'm happy. DD got a job! It's been years since she worked, then in a hospital. She is an R.N. and will be working as one, well paid and benefited at 30 hours/week. She's very happy, too.

[daisylu]

Jun 20, 2024 5:29:32 GMT -5 finnime said:

I'm happy. DD got a job! It's been years since she worked, then in a hospital. She is an R.N. and will be working as one, well paid and benefited at 30 hours/week. She's very happy, too.

I am very happy for your DD and hope the job goes well for her.

[Works4me]

Chugging along here - just out of the shower & have appt for mani, not sure about pedi & haircut but all that matters is that I get out of the house & go. Gotta say the anxiety that is accompanying depression is crippling.

[finnime]

On page 100, I'm sharing a video I got many years ago that is really funny. I will probably have to delete it, since I'm sure it's copyrighted, but here you go:

[lurkyloo]

Had my appt this morning with the psychiatrist.  After talking, I do think it’s mostly anxiety that is the problem although it can spiral into situational depression especially when that’s the logical response-and the ADHD certainly doesn’t help. So, I have a new prescription to try to manage the anxiety and will hold off till after the hormonal migraine danger zone so it gets a fair trial.  She did recommend the genetic testing although she said it’s a guide and far from absolute, so I will look into that.

Doing better these days, but it would be great to get something sorted before the holiday organizational pressure cooker kicks in in November.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Comorbidities are a bitch.  I've accepted there will never be a magic pill that fixes all three of my issues.  The goal as my therapist suggested should be to get at least one or more under control so I can then use the freed up mental space to deal with the rest.

I can't do SSRIs because they ratchet up my anxiety and make me manic.  I can't do anti-anxiety meds because they cause my depression to skyrocket.

SNRIs seem to be as close to a magic bullet as I can get.  

[TheOtherMe]

I don't think there is a magic pill for anyone.  As long as it took to get my dosage to where I can live comfortably in my own skin most of the time was over a year.  Little adjustments and check in a month later.  

Everyone is unique and medications are not a one fits all.

[lurkyloo]

At this point I’d settle for a damn placebo as long as it didn’t cause migraines as a side effect 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Jul 24, 2024 13:47:24 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

At this point I’d settle for a damn placebo as long as it didn’t cause migraines as a side effect 

IDK if it actually works or not it may very well be a placebo but before everything went to hell in a handbasket I was doing pretty good taking Holy Basil supplements.  It's a part of traditional Hindu medicine.

I took the oil capsules not the powder ones.  It seemed to be making a difference.  My only complaint is my burps tasted like licorice. 

You can grow it like any other basil and brew it for tea too.  I think some health stores and the Yogi brand in major supermarkets have a Holy Basil tea.  I grew my own last year.   It didn't do too well due to the weather but I got enough leaves I was able to brew it and add it to lemonade.  It was quite tasty.

[azucena]

Really need to stop going into DD11's therapy sessions because she turns me into her punching bag. Really didn't need that after an already hard, painful week.

I swear I'm going to start making her sign stuff in writing that she's agreed to. Things like signups are open for the volleyball team you've played on for the last 5 years and all your friends are signing up again, do you want in? There's a two hour weeklong bball clinic at your new school in Sept, do you want in? To which she said yep and would be a great way to meet people.

A month ago, DH asked her what she wanted to do for her birthday and she said she'd love to rent a giant water slide like we did during covid. Okay, done. Today she swears it wasn't her idea and I can totally picture her pouting through her whole party. I know some of this is me being triggered bc she doesn't know how good she has it compared to how DH and I grew up. I had one birthday party in the 3rd grade at my house with games and cake. DH never had one.

She's even going on and on about all the things that will be wrong with her sleepover afterwards.

Then, she put on her sunglasses and refused to talk any more so therapist cut the session at 30 mins.

Meanwhile, that's the 4th weekly and last session with this new therapist because she's leaving the practice. She's passing us off to one of two colleagues but isn't sure how open their schedules are so I'll probably need to add finding a new one to my never-ending to do list.

I also need to find her a new psychiatrist because I gave in and went to one out of network and racked up over $1000 in bills while we were tweaking her depression and sleeping meds. Submitted for out of network coverage which is listed as 80% for mental health. Six weeks later and still fighting to get any of it covered with next appt looming end of Aug.

[TheOtherMe]

[finnime]

I remember some rough years w my DD, azucena. I know you know that it will pass, but it's difficult and draining. Wish you could find a therapist for her that sticks around and is effective.

[Pink Cashmere]

I have not been okay for a few weeks now. I am caught again in the cycle of my stomach acting a fool, which causes me more stress, which makes my stomach keep acting a fool. And round and round I go. It’s so frustrating. Especially since I had been doing so much better for a while as far as all of that goes, before this latest episode.

I have been referred to a psychiatrist to talk about meds that might help me manage the mental part better. I’m not thrilled about that, but I can’t seem to get myself out of this place, so whatever. My appointment is in a few weeks. I’d prefer it be sooner, because this has already gone on too long, but I can’t make them give me an appointment sooner.

My counselor was talking to me Tuesday about how detrimental it is when we don’t deal with stuff as it happens, and how eventually all of the things we don’t deal with pile up until we get to a place like where I am now. She said we tend to force ourselves to just keep going, instead of taking time to really deal with things as they happen or come up.

I told her that I didn’t see how, unless you are independently wealthy, you can do anything besides try to just keep going. Even if you don’t have children to tend to, you have responsibilities and bills to pay, that require income for most people.

I told her that intellectually, I understand what she was saying, I’ve known it for a long time already, I just don’t know how to actually do it, all I know is to try to keep going. Even though I also know that with doing that, one way or another, my body is going to eventually say “ENOUGH”, and force me to not be able to go anymore, which I have learned the hard way.

I am so confused about so many things right now, and even about life and how it “should” be. The only thing I know for sure is that this ain’t it.

[azucena]

Pink - I'm sorry that you've "slipped" again. I keep seeing random things about stopping to feel and examine an emotion for a short time and then moving on. Trying to put that into practice instead of just stuffing the emotion down. I was so hurt after dd11 appt today that I disconnected from work and just sat and cried for a bit which is not natural for me.

[Pink Cashmere]

Jul 25, 2024 18:08:57 GMT -5 azucena said:

Pink - I'm sorry that you've "slipped" again. I keep seeing random things about stopping to feel and examine an emotion for a short time and then moving on. Trying to put that into practice instead of just stuffing the emotion down. I was so hurt after dd11 appt today that I disconnected from work and just sat and cried for a bit which is not natural for me. 

I am sorry.

You should probably keep in mind too, that you have a lot going on yourself. Besides your job, you have a few stressors in your personal life. Even though it is good work, the things you are doing with and for Bonus Teen, is even more on your plate. 


One of the things she kept stressing Tuesday was that women are conditioned and trained to take care of everybody else and nurture them to try to help them be okay, and put ourselves last, if we even tend to ourselves at all, and that is something we need to “unlearn”. We need to nurture ourselves too. 

I understand that it is very difficult as a mother though. I also understand why you were so hurt and upset after your DD’s appointment. 

You don’t have to answer here, but do you think that you also tend to try to roll with the punches and just keep going, without tending to what my counselor called “injuries” at one point?

I know you said that it’s not natural for you, but in my uneducated opinion, I think that maybe how you just sat and cried today, was your way of acknowledging the emotions you were feeling in that moment and allowing yourself to just feel them. Which I think was a good thing, and a better alternative than stuffing it and trying to pretend that you didn’t feel what you felt at that time.

But please keep in mind that I’m not a professional, and can’t even figure out my own shit, so what I write is worth exactly what you paid for it.

[TheOtherMe]

Jul 25, 2024 18:08:57 GMT -5 azucena said:

Pink - I'm sorry that you've "slipped" again. I keep seeing random things about stopping to feel and examine an emotion for a short time and then moving on. Trying to put that into practice instead of just stuffing the emotion down. I was so hurt after dd11 appt today that I disconnected from work and just sat and cried for a bit which is not natural for me.

I'm sorry.  It had to hurt to hear all of those things.  

Is it best if you are not in sessions with her?  When I used to go in person, I would see the parent go back with their child and then return to the waiting room.  Sometimes the therapist came and called for them to go back to the session and sometimes, the child was sent to the waiting room and the parent went back with the therapist.

[azucena]

Yes, the crying was good for me but I had to choose to let it happen. I even thought thru what if dd or teen walks into my office and I'm a mess. But then I reasoned that it would be okay and maybe even good for dd11 to see outside her negative bubble and how she hurt me.

Weird thing is that bonus teen has been my best advocate for self care and mental load. She sees things right off and just can't keep her mouth shut sometimes. Plus I can't preach at her to relax and have fun if all she sees me do is work and caregive.

Tues night she came upstairs as I was leaving for softball and climbed in the van saying she wanted to see what all the fuss was about. Man, did she pick a good one...things got heated over an injury that no one caused and our manager called the other manager a 'fucking idiot'. And then they jawed at each other the rest of the game. Our manager 'forgot' to tell the team what she said so she had very lopsided support except for from me and one other gal who was nearby as it started.

Teen could barely keep a straight face and couldn't even wait until we got home to FaceTime her friends about the middle aged white women rumble that she almost witnessed. Meanwhile I hit 3 for 3 with 2 doubles and scored the tying run and we won in extra innings. Teen says not to leave without her next week lol.

[azucena]

Jul 25, 2024 18:40:27 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Jul 25, 2024 18:08:57 GMT -5 azucena said:

Pink - I'm sorry that you've "slipped" again. I keep seeing random things about stopping to feel and examine an emotion for a short time and then moving on. Trying to put that into practice instead of just stuffing the emotion down. I was so hurt after dd11 appt today that I disconnected from work and just sat and cried for a bit which is not natural for me.

I'm sorry.  It had to hurt to hear all of those things.  

Is it best if you are not in sessions with her?  When I used to go in person, I would see the parent go back with their child and then return to the waiting room.  Sometimes the therapist came and called for them to go back to the session and sometimes, the child was sent to the waiting room and the parent went back with the therapist.

She usually works with the therapist better when I stay in the waiting area but I wanted to hear what the therapist said about transitioning to new one (might not have new patient opening and/or appts after school) and I also wanted therapist to help talk thru some discipline issues bc dd has been really acting out and lying about it this week.

I'll prob have to sit in on beg of sessions with new therapist but I was really good at keeping my mouth shut and not taking the bait to try to reason with dd today.

[TheOtherMe]

Lying is not acceptable.  You know that and she knows that.  You have taught her that.  

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Anxiety in teens is such a hard balance to walk.  I am not sure I always handle it right but when Gwen crosses over a boundary she is made aware of it.  I remind her I have anxiety too and I see right through her she's not going to use it as a cover to be a bitch.

In my news so far I like my new therapist a lot.  I was concerned because it takes a lot to get me into therapy and that experience with the relationship therapist really soured me on starting over.  I did draw a bright red line regarding religion.  My therapist was shocked because a therapist should not be bringing their personal biases into a session like that.  I said yeah the lady spent the three sessions we did grilling me about my lack of faith and how that was the source of our marital problems.  No it isn't.

So while normally I wouldn't have felt the need to clarify and draw a strict boundary about respecting my beliefs I felt it was better safe than sorry.  Nothing against my new therapist I just didn't want to waste our time on a repeat incident.

So far the first couple of sessions have just been getting to know each other and me venting because I have so much crap to get off my chest.

I told her what I would like help with is learning to self care better.  She said my issues with that aren't uncommon especially as the eldest child/only daughter and having an overly dramatic brother with his  own mental issues and my mom's issues and my dad's issues.

I also want to try to shed the very strong desire to wrap my entire self worth in being a "good" person (good daughter, good wife, good mother, good employee) which stems from the above because that is causing me a massive existential crisis at my job.  I want to "prove" myself but there is also an older more grown up voice in my head that is telling me to stop it we have nothing to prove AND we have a right to be angry, we have a right to boundaries.  Stop feeding into the sexist troupe that I am not entitled to my own emotions and have to regulate myself for everyone else's sake.

That anger wants to come out and it has with me pushing back HARD on my review.  Which has done me no favors but I have every right to demand boundaries and respect at work.

I also need help with my ADHD.  Learning to compartmentalize has been very helpful in that regard but as she put it I've run out of compartments because I have had to create so many to deal with my job.  That leaves me no spoons/compartments for other things so I blow up over simple questions like what is for dinner.  Far too much of my focus is being put into playing head games at work.

I told her my instinct with all this is to go backwards.  To wrap myself up and hide like I did in middle school.  The problem with that is though I don't remember how I did that.  I grew up and shed that as I came into my own.   I don't really want to bury myself that deep but half of my brain says it is the only way to survive.  The other half says no way and we need to figure out something else smarty pants.

She agreed with my tarot reading that I have a very strong personality/light.  She said she can tell that in just a couple of sessions.  And while I have learned to adapt and of course interact in society I can never truly extinguish that light.  It's always there and people like my manager and my emotional vampire coworker can see it and will attack it.  I can't fake my way into a different personality those types of people know and are intimidated by it and will do whatever they can to break it.

Emotional vampire has been out she thinks she is going to get on disability.  For what IDK being a psycho emotional vampire doesn't qualify for STD or LTD as far as I know.  But it's been almost two weeks now and it is FABULOUS.  I truly hope she never comes back because that will definitely help me keep my sanity while I continue to job hunt.  My productivity has gone up and my mood is so much better my coworkers have noticed and put it together.

The damn woman sits right behind me and follows me EVERYWHERE.  It is so emotionally and physically draining to deal with her.  Stonewalling still takes mental energy to do and I am doing it for 8 hours straight.  I requested that she be moved somewhere else in the lab but they refused to do so.  That is another check against them.  I tried lodging a complaint about what is basically harassment/stalking and she fed my manager so much shit about me which is where a lot of the crap in my review came from.   My manager secretly loves emotional vampire because EV is a little stool pigeon and feeds her the comings/goings of everyone in the lab.

MAYBE if both my manager and EV disappeared I would consider staying but probably not.  Too much damage has been done.  I've tried to be respectful, I've tried to mediate, I've tried to wave flags about my manager, EV and Captain Dipshit.  They all come back to strangle me.  I'm out.

The therapist thinks and I absolutely agree that things will dramatically improve if I can get out of here.  Once I do that THEN we can focus more on the other things I want to address.  In the meantime we need to figure out a stress relief valve for work and try to keep it from bleeding so much into my life outside of work.

[zibazinski]

I retired early because of my department head and my principal. Three months later, he was forcibly transferred to another school and four months later, she was asked to “ retire.” Id have stayed if I’d known that would have happened.

[Pink Cashmere]

My appointment with the psychiatrist was today. She seems to think that anxiety is a bigger issue for me than depression, which is the same thing my counselor came up with at my first visit with her last summer. 

Now there is a laundry list of things, that when they pop into my head, my stomach immediately starts feeling funny, similar to the feeling of “butterflies  in your stomach”, but not really that. And I also feel weird in my chest. I have been binge watching a stupid tv show for a couple of weeks, so now when I think about something and get those weird feelings in my body, I tell myself don’t think about that, think about those crazy people on that tv show. Even when I wake up in the middle of the night with monkey brain, and I start feeling crazy, I redirect my thoughts to the people on that tv show. 

That sounds weird, even to me, but so far, that’s been the only thing that has worked to try to redirect my thoughts when I start feeling anxious. I have binged watched the show from the beginning, and now I’m on the current (8th) season, and idk what I’m going to do after I watch the last few episodes. Find something else, I guess, but I don’t even really watch tv, except for HGTV, but that is good background noise, and not good for redirecting my thoughts like the other show has been. 

Unfortunately, my job has become something that triggers those weird feelings in my body, because I got caught in that cycle again, of having stomach issues stressing me out, and getting even more stressed because I can’t work through those issues, so I worry about what’s going to happen with my job, which also makes my stomach keep acting up. And besides all of that I have some other family stuff that I am really worried about, that’s always lurking in the background even though I try not to think about it, and it’s all just too much. 

My cape is in tatters on the ground and I can’t even seem to piece it back together for myself, let alone anybody else. I am not able to be Superwoman anymore, and even more importantly, I don’t WANT to be superwoman anymore. I don’t want to be Ms. Fix It anymore. I am not a superhero, I am *just* a woman, and that’s really *all* I want to be at this point in my life. If my cape wasn’t already in tatters on the ground, I’d probably snatch it off myself and stomp the shit out of it, because I really just want the freedom to just BE, and just be me. 

Anyway, she wants me to take Prestiq. And she prescribed a beta blocker, propranolol, for me to take as needed while I wait for the Pristiq to start being effective, which will be some weeks. 

I really don’t want to take an antidepressant, but I also really don’t want to keep having these issues. I have an appointment to follow up with her next month.

OAN, she said something that piqued my interest, that I’m going to look into. She said that antidepressants help with serotonin and serotonin is in your gut and not in your brain. That got my attention, and I was like “please tell me more”, because in my mind, if that’s true, that helps explains what the good GI doctor told me about how our brains and stomachs are like best friends. And maybe that explains why when I sometimes get caught in a loop with stress causing GI issues and the GI issues casing even more stress, especially when it’s so bad that I can’t leave the house, let alone go to work, and I go ‘round and ‘round in circles and can’t always get myself out of it.

So maybe I can try to self talk myself out of the stress regarding my stomach issues, by telling myself that it is what’s causing what seems like “brain” issues, and there is really nothing wrong with my brain, to help me get out of the cycle? Idk. I feel like I have kinda confused myself at this point, so I will hush now lol.

[TheOtherMe]

Pink, I know my brain and stomach are connected.  In the time preceding my dad's death and for about 2 years after, I could barely eat.  

By the time I went to a doctor about the physical problem, the doctor did an endoscope, which helped tremendously.  However, I think my emotional issues caused the physical problem and not the other way around.

[Opti]

Aug 15, 2024 18:55:30 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Pink, I know my brain and stomach are connected.  In the time preceding my dad's death and for about 2 years after, I could barely eat.  

By the time I went to a doctor about the physical problem, the doctor did an endoscope, which helped tremendously.  However, I think my emotional issues caused the physical problem and not the other way around.

Wow, sorry to read this. Did your dad die unexpectedly?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Prestiq is an SNRI so it works on both anxiety and depression.

The only side effects I've had is some minor weight gain and I get itchy from serotonin.

It doesn't always bother me. If it does taking an antihistamine does the trick.

It will knock your ass OUT so take it before bed don't take it in the daytime.

The half life is only 12 hours so make sure you take it on schedule because you'll start to withdraw pretty fast.

I find it a good motivator not to miss a dose because I feel like hot garbage if I forget.

Take it with food. I get queasy if I take it on an empty stomach.



I was always reluctant to take one too. I still have my moments but DH commented today he knows it's working because of how I was before. It's a marked difference.

[finnime]

It sounds like your psychiatrist is on the ball, Pink Cashmere. I'm glad for you.

One of the biggest hurdles everyone seems to face is the natural resistance to taking meds, antidepressants and anxiolytics included. It took me years but I am deeply grateful for their existence. Without the meds, I would have lost my job and been unable to care for my children. I wouldn't be here.