Battling Depression

[debthaven]

Re me, I'm fine now, the vast majority of the time. I still get HORRIBLY stressed out the nights before I have to teach at school. Thankfully it was only 2 nights/week last fall (Sun + Mon), and only 2 nights/week this spring (Mon + Wed), so I managed. (Remember I'm officially retired now, so even though I still teach, I teach less.)

I'll have to do the same again next fall, but only 1 night per week (Mon). Personally it has really helped me not to have to do the usual Sun night freak-out. I still work Mondays, but I schedule my online classes that day.

I know I don't post much here but I follow this thread and wish you all the best. 

[debthaven]

finnime one last thing ... there are many ways to present art. I'm guessing you have those big (fake) leather folders like in some poster stores? If not, it may be worth investing in a few, as you suggested, by theme. 

[finnime]

That would be a good idea for some types of presentation, debthaven , thank you for the idea.

For the shows we have the pics in either mats, in a standing rack for people to flip through, and also framed and hung up on the walls of the tent. Other smalls are on the tables.

[daisylu]

I'm trying to fight a full on meltdown. I hate what menopause is doing to my body. And I hate that because of it it makes me doubt DH. Not fidelity wise, but other ways. Mostly I hate that it makes me feel like less than. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I am fighting a major episode. I'm definitely in one because I'm getting over stimulated and angry at the drop of a hat.

DH has gotten much better at recognizing over stimulation and calling me out to go sit down and he takes over whatever I'm getting pissed about.

I did a tarot reading at Mystic fest yesterday because I like to do one when I'm this scrambled.

You know it's bad when friends from.the other side are also saying "Girl why do you keep trying to prove yourself to these people?"

She said I have a very strong light and area about me and there are people who don't like that. They want me to dim it but no matter how hard I try to hide I can't. People like my bi polar manager are driven nuts by people like me.

Believe what you want about new age hippie dippy stuff but it made me feel better and made sense. Mom used to say I marched to a different beat.

I'm trying to use my anger and depression for action. Use this to find someone who will value me.

I'm dreading Monday. DH and I have talked about his inheritance and if it continues to get worse he's open to me out right quitting. I don't know if I could get myself to take it but having that lifeline is a relief.

Then dealing with FIL being gone. Now both DHs parents are gone. My mom is gone. It's triggered panic and over protectivness about my dad. And making me think of mom.

I need to work on comparmentalizing today so I don't give my manager more fuel tomorrow. It's been made very clear now I belong to the company and I should be devoted to my job having a life outside and being human by allowing the outside to affect you is unacceptable and will tank your career in addition to getting you a shifty review because you don't smile and made a minor misspelling.

[TheOtherMe]

IMO, being totally devoted to your job to that extent is not the least bit healthy.  

I hope you can find another job ASAP.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Ya think? One of the senior directors during our two day circle jerk kept going on about how you're not a good fit if you don't go to bed every Sunday eagerly anticipating that you have the privilege of coming to work Monday morning.

You should lose sleep because you are so busy thinking how you can make an impact come Monday.



I told my work husband I think I'm in a cult and I'm not drinking anything handed to me just in case.

[finnime]

Ugh, daisylu and NomoreDramaQ1015. Just ugh. Remove the burdens, I say.

[finnime]

DH is trying hard to keep me together. He brought me a plate of fruit, cheese and crackers and is accepting his assignment to be the one to make decisions for awhile. I am just not up for it.

DD coming over when the rain stops adn we'll go out for Sunday sundaes. So that's something. And I did get out this morning of course, for the dawn.

[TheOtherMe]

Jun 9, 2024 10:20:17 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Ya think? One of the senior directors during our two day circle jerk kept going on about how you're not a good fit if you don't go to bed every Sunday eagerly anticipating that you have the privilege of coming to work Monday morning.

You should lose sleep because you are so busy thinking how you can make an impact come Monday.



I told my work husband I think I'm in a cult and I'm not drinking anything handed to me just in case.

Drama, you know I am retired.  I never once went to sleep on Sunday night thinking about making an impact on Monday.  I just wanted to get through the week and get paid.

I worked to keep a roof over my head.  Work was not my life.

I did make lifelong friends over the years that I saw socially, but it wasn't work we talked about outside of the office.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I mean considering how much money that dude brings in with bonuses and probably stock options on top of it I imagine he probably is excited to go to work.

Us peons who are looking at 11% inflation doing the work of three people while getting told we don't smile enough or have any ambition do not share the same worldview.

It's easy to say it's not about money or title when you already have the title and money.

[busymom]

Jun 9, 2024 10:20:17 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Ya think? One of the senior directors during our two day circle jerk kept going on about how you're not a good fit if you don't go to bed every Sunday eagerly anticipating that you have the privilege of coming to work Monday morning.

You should lose sleep because you are so busy thinking how you can make an impact come Monday.



I told my work husband I think I'm in a cult and I'm not drinking anything handed to me just in case.

    That's a special kind of crazy.  The only way I'm eagerly anticipating Monday morning is if I own the company.  Otherwise, I work to pay the bills & invest in my retirement.  I am NOT selling my soul to the devil, as my last employer found out when they refused to give me time off when doctors told me my declining mother was dying.  (I put in my notice.)  It's ridiculous when any company refuses to give you a day off, without pay, to deal with a family member with a serious health issue.  It's not like I was a CEO, or some other position that no one could possibly replace.  When your employer refuses to give you a reasonable amount of time off to deal with family, or your own health problems, it's time to find a different employer.  Life happens.  (This same employer refused to give a coworker the time off for surgery, when she was literally limping around the workplace, because she needed leg surgery.  If that is how little a company values their own employees, they don't deserve to be in business.  This particular employer, that had locations in many states, went out of business.  No big surprise to me.)  

[finnime]

I'm glad you turned in your notice, busymom. You are absolutely right, an employer has no right to infringe on its employees like that.

[TheOtherMe]

The tax season I worked when my mom was in hospice care, I did not perform well.  It was my first tax season and I did not get a good review.  It made me mad when I read it.  

The review for the next tax season was quite fair and much better.  My boss told me that if it hadn't been for the potential she saw in me while my mom was dying, I would not have been offered a job to return.  She saw what I could be if that wasn't hanging over my head.  I told her how a few months after my mom died, I reread that evaluation and it was fair.  I was not doing a good job.  I could not stay focused and it showed.  

So that place treated me very fairly when I was having a difficult time in my life.  

I had been told by co-workers it was a family friendly firm and that was true.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I'm still depressed and really wired but I am working on turning it outward towards the people who deserve it instead of pulling it inward like I normally do.

As DH jokes my Sayian pride is kicking in (Dragon Ball Z reference) and while he doesn't like I am obsessing he is pleased I'm remembering I have value.

If being a published author on not one, but TWO papers AND being second author, which is pretty much unheard of as a technologist, isn't enough to show that I am ambitious, driven and "inquisitive" they can kiss my ass.  How many national journal papers are you guys on?

The fact that I have all these skills that are literally pulled from your SOPs and the fact that I am applying because I want to share those skills with you should show you I am "driven" enough.

Fuck this place.  I spent a lot of yesterday on indeed.  I got all my work done but fuck it I am not giving 110% anymore.  I'll probably slip into old habits again eventually but for now I am over it.  I'll do the job I am hired to do no more no less unless it benefits me on my way out of here or because I am bored.  I still want to learn another HPLC method because it's good for me to have another one under my belt and it gets me out of my hovel.

I am done with IDPs or anything like that because I clearly have no future here.  

The thing they don't realize is I am not intimidated by leaving.  It's not a threat to me.  I've been job hopping every 3-5 years since I started working in 2006. 

I am not scared to leave because I know deep down I don't have anything to offer and will cling to what little power I think I have as a lifer.  "If you don't like it leave" is not a threat or intimidation to me.  You've now made it a challenge.

It probably won't be anytime soon the market isn't great but it WILL happen just like it has happened before.  I just need to keep my eyes open.

It also helps immensely I have an "out".  We've done back of the napkin math and we are inheriting enough that I could quit on the spot and we'd be fine at least for a while.  The problem with doing that is it is harder to find a job when unemployed.   And it is not in my nature.

But just knowing that we now have enough in liquid assets I could walk if this gets bad enough helps my sanity.  I am not "stuck" till I find another job.  I am "choosing" to remain employed for MY benefit and once the benefit disappears I am out the door.

[finnime]

This mire I'm in is hard to move about in. DD had an excellent interview yesterday for a position as an RN in a skilled nursing facility/rehab center. It is a very nice place, too: clean, well kept; patients are contented and staff does not look harried and frustrated. They discussed with her details of the job and gave her a tour of the place. Even with her cane they seemed quite pleased with her. This morning they're already checking references. So, it's looking good.

But I can't feel upbeat about it, just empty and flat. Ordinarily I'd be dancing. We won't need to provide additional support for DD any more, but she and we can relax about a lot of things.

I will tell my shrink tomorrow, and how my previous doctor upped the dose of one of my meds when I fell into the trough and it always worked quickly and very well, in a couple of days. Hoping it will do again.

Damn, this numbness is hard to take.

[azucena]

After having DD11 at both psych and new ped on Friday and her saying she's feeling better and me confirming that she is slowly coming out of depression, she let the mask slip this weekend into last night and is struggling well more than I realized. Once again, I've taken the vast majority of her emotional dumping. We jumped into virtual therapy last night and she was deflecting everything that she'd told me. She deflects as soon as she comes across a hard emotion.

And here I am in the midst of finally finding her a new therapist, but now it feels like yesterday was something of a breakthrough. I did ask the therapist privately if she'd caught on to how much masking was in place and didn't get a real answer. How do I decide if we make a change?

I have an appt set for next week with one and July for another. So much paperwork for each. Also just switched DD15's therapist because hers moved and virtual isn't great for her. At least she did 90% of the paperwork herself.

She's also begging to quit swim team which she had previously been looking fwd to....and wants out of theater camp that she agreed to in April. My gut says it's more than 50% anxiety that she needs to work on coping through, but therapist said yesterday that DD is old enough to decide if she wants to miss out on these experiences. I've turned the decisions over to her and she has until Fri to decide about swim team and another week for camp at the end of July.

[Works4me]

I am in a pretty deep depression. Despite therapy and meds I really see no way out. I feel like the only thing in my life I really care about and that really cares about me is my dog. I'm not suicidal but there is just nothing else in my life I care enough about to show up for. It's to the point that taking a shower and getting dressed is almost beyond me let alone doing anything with my hair or face - I was the one that did my make up before going to feed my 4-H lambs! I am 500+ miles from home and I hate it here, I truly hate being here. I hate asking for help but need some accountability.
TIA,
Sarah

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

 Works4me

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Jun 11, 2024 14:13:08 GMT -5 azucena said:

After having DD11 at both psych and new ped on Friday and her saying she's feeling better and me confirming that she is slowly coming out of depression, she let the mask slip this weekend into last night and is struggling well more than I realized. Once again, I've taken the vast majority of her emotional dumping. We jumped into virtual therapy last night and she was deflecting everything that she'd told me. She deflects as soon as she comes across a hard emotion.

And here I am in the midst of finally finding her a new therapist, but now it feels like yesterday was something of a breakthrough. I did ask the therapist privately if she'd caught on to how much masking was in place and didn't get a real answer. How do I decide if we make a change?

I have an appt set for next week with one and July for another. So much paperwork for each. Also just switched DD15's therapist because hers moved and virtual isn't great for her. At least she did 90% of the paperwork herself.

She's also begging to quit swim team which she had previously been looking fwd to....and wants out of theater camp that she agreed to in April. My gut says it's more than 50% anxiety that she needs to work on coping through, but therapist said yesterday that DD is old enough to decide if she wants to miss out on these experiences. I've turned the decisions over to her and she has until Fri to decide about swim team and another week for camp at the end of July.

I would be hard pressed to allow her to quit either.  I suppose yes she is old enough to decide but how far is too far?  When does anxiety take over your life?  

We have an agreement at our house that if you sign up you at least go a few times because you did agree to it.  In general I'm not going to make them finish it if they truly don't like it but most activities anymore come with a time/money commitment from me upfront so you are at least going to attend the first session

The only thing I make them finish is dance and that's mainly a problem with Abby.   She gets bored half way through.  It's A LOT of money upfront and I don't get it back if they quit.  You sign up you are in it until the recital. 

[Pink Cashmere]

Jun 11, 2024 10:53:34 GMT -5 finnime said:

This mire I'm in is hard to move about in. DD had an excellent interview yesterday for a position as an RN in a skilled nursing facility/rehab center. It is a very nice place, too: clean, well kept; patients are contented and staff does not look harried and frustrated. They discussed with her details of the job and gave her a tour of the place. Even with her cane they seemed quite pleased with her. This morning they're already checking references. So, it's looking good.

But I can't feel upbeat about it, just empty and flat. Ordinarily I'd be dancing. We won't need to provide additional support for DD any more, but she and we can relax about a lot of things.

I will tell my shrink tomorrow, and how my previous doctor upped the dose of one of my meds when I fell into the trough and it always worked quickly and very well, in a couple of days. Hoping it will do again.

Damn, this numbness is hard to take.

I really hate this for you. I hope your shrink is able to help you tomorrow. I know it’s hard, but just hang on, better days are coming.

[Pink Cashmere]

Jun 11, 2024 15:08:28 GMT -5 Works4me said:

I am in a pretty deep depression. Despite therapy and meds I really see no way out. I feel like the only thing in my life I really care about and that really cares about me is my dog. I'm not suicidal but there is just nothing else in my life I care enough about to show up for. It's to the point that taking a shower and getting dressed is almost beyond me let alone doing anything with my hair or face - I was the one that did my make up before going to feed my 4-H lambs! I am 500+ miles from home and I hate it here, I truly hate being here. I hate asking for help but need some accountability.
TIA,
Sarah

Your depression is lying to you, there IS a way out, to get to a better place mentally. You and your providers just haven’t figured it out yet. But you can, and I hope and pray that you will.

Is hating where you live and being so far from home really a big part of it? If so, is it possible to move closer to home? I always say “wherever you go, there you are”, but if living in an area you really dislike, is taking a huge toll on your mental health, it’s worth exploring options to relocate.

There is no shame in asking for help. It actually takes a lot of courage to do that imo. Is there anything specific we can do that you think might help you? My heart is good when it comes to wanting to be there for people, but my brain doesn’t always work quite right with knowing exactly what to do, unfortunately.

You are not alone. We are “just” your friends behind a screen, but we do care and want you to be okay. I feel safe in saying “we” and not just I, because I do believe that some other posters are just as genuine in their concern for people here when they are struggling, as I am. You are “people”. 

[finnime]

Jun 11, 2024 15:08:28 GMT -5 Works4me said:

I am in a pretty deep depression. Despite therapy and meds I really see no way out. I feel like the only thing in my life I really care about and that really cares about me is my dog. I'm not suicidal but there is just nothing else in my life I care enough about to show up for. It's to the point that taking a shower and getting dressed is almost beyond me let alone doing anything with my hair or face - I was the one that did my make up before going to feed my 4-H lambs! I am 500+ miles from home and I hate it here, I truly hate being here. I hate asking for help but need some accountability.
TIA,
Sarah

I understand and empathize.

You are right to muster the strength to ask for help. Help can be had, and it will make all the difference. There is a point to your life, a value; you are valuable and important. You just can't see it now with all the fog that depression is blowing in your face.

Tell your doctor that the meds are not enough, are not working for you. Because they aren't.

Hug your dog. They need you.

We need you, too.

If all you can do is take a shower and get dressed, and you do those things, you're succeeding.

And I agree as always with Pink. Look into, when you are up for it, moving to a better location for you.

[lurkyloo]

Jun 11, 2024 14:13:08 GMT -5 azucena said:

After having DD11 at both psych and new ped on Friday and her saying she's feeling better and me confirming that she is slowly coming out of depression, she let the mask slip this weekend into last night and is struggling well more than I realized. Once again, I've taken the vast majority of her emotional dumping. We jumped into virtual therapy last night and she was deflecting everything that she'd told me. She deflects as soon as she comes across a hard emotion.

And here I am in the midst of finally finding her a new therapist, but now it feels like yesterday was something of a breakthrough. I did ask the therapist privately if she'd caught on to how much masking was in place and didn't get a real answer. How do I decide if we make a change?

I have an appt set for next week with one and July for another. So much paperwork for each. Also just switched DD15's therapist because hers moved and virtual isn't great for her. At least she did 90% of the paperwork herself.

She's also begging to quit swim team which she had previously been looking fwd to....and wants out of theater camp that she agreed to in April. My gut says it's more than 50% anxiety that she needs to work on coping through, but therapist said yesterday that DD is old enough to decide if she wants to miss out on these experiences. I've turned the decisions over to her and she has until Fri to decide about swim team and another week for camp at the end of July.

The lack of a real answer from the therapist is definitely a red flag.
Maybe tell your DD that she can choose to quit one but not both?  I guess I’m not sure if she’s got other extracurriculars going on, but something that gets her out of the house and distracted seems like it could be helpful, depending on circumstances.

I’m sorry that she, and others, are struggling 

[azucena]

Sarah- I don't feel like i remember your story, age, etc. Are you able to walk your dog?

I'm usually of the persuasion that we don't quit things either but she's in such a bad place right now.

And her 11 yr old type of depression allows her to still have fun with her friends - today she played with the neighbor kids for 8 hours straight. She made them Mac and cheese for lunch, they worked for 3+ hours on their massive box fort, they froze some weird concoction they are calling brains, and they chalked the driveway. She was happy and laughing thru most of that as I was working but could hear them. But to hear her tell it at dinner, she barely had fun. It's mind boggling to witness.

My gut is leaning towards trying new therapist next week without officially letting go of the first one. It's a little confusing to dd11 but I'm explaining it as sometimes we learn all we can from one therapist and need to make a change to continue growing. Her current therapist is only still provisionally licensed and I think dd11 needs someone with more experience to see thru her masking and really challenge her.

[CCL]

 big hugs Works4me

[CCL]

 and big hugs for you, too finnime

[finnime]

azucena, I think your instincts about your DD11's therapist make sense. IME some therapists are very good with younger children then not so much as they age a bit and need more depth. That happened with my DS. 

And I agree with lurkyloo as always, suggest to DD15 she choose one activity to try and pursue and drop the other if it's more than she wants to juggle right now.

[lurkyloo]

Works4me I used to live 45 min or so south of you, as I recall.  I have fond memories of the area too, it’s a special place.  I always loved the Cotton Ball fabric store.

Would it help/is it possible to go back for a visit?  There are a lot of dogs allowed beaches in the area, I bet your pup (german shepherd, right?) would be delighted to explore.

Pink Cashmere is right.  Depression lies.  

[lurkyloo]

Jun 11, 2024 20:53:24 GMT -5 azucena said:

Sarah- I don't feel like i remember your story, age, etc. Are you able to walk your dog?

I'm usually of the persuasion that we don't quit things either but she's in such a bad place right now.

And her 11 yr old type of depression allows her to still have fun with her friends - today she played with the neighbor kids for 8 hours straight. She made them Mac and cheese for lunch, they worked for 3+ hours on their massive box fort, they froze some weird concoction they are calling brains, and they chalked the driveway. She was happy and laughing thru most of that as I was working but could hear them. But to hear her tell it at dinner, she barely had fun. It's mind boggling to witness.

My gut is leaning towards trying new therapist next week without officially letting go of the first one. It's a little confusing to dd11 but I'm explaining it as sometimes we learn all we can from one therapist and need to make a change to continue growing. Her current therapist is only still provisionally licensed and I think dd11 needs someone with more experience to see thru her masking and really challenge her.

If there’s ever a time to be a little extra and/or throw money at a problem, adding an extra therapist for a struggling preteen is it.  I support your gut 

Do you think hormones are playing in to some of the problems?