Battling Depression

[busymom]

I hope this helps, Knee Deep in Water Chloe , but the most toxic job I ever had just pushed all of my buttons, so with DH's support, I put a date on the calendar that was going to be my last day at that job.  It didn't matter if I had a job by then, or not, but knowing there was a finish line made it easier to tolerate their bad behavior.  Would it be so bad if you were without employment for awhile?  I agree that returning would not be a good option right now, but of course we don't all get perfect options.  Do your best, and run with it!  We're still here if you need to vent.  (I'm still convinced my former boss was a direct descendant of the devil, but that's a story for another day.)  

[azucena]

I'm so sorry that the end of fmla triggered you. I don't follow why you can't just use vacation to get to the end of the contract.

Your mental health is too important to go back to crap job. If you can't take time off, just quit.

Also can't remember if you set up a new job or not. Pretty sure your dh can support you so I'd encourage you to take as much time off as you need to recover.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

How much sick time you got left?

The end of FMLA simply means you no longer have protection in regards to them keeping A job open for you.

That's it. They can't make you come back.

It may mean you have to pay back health insurance premiums but IDK how that works in your profession. Check your contract.

If you have sick or vacation fuck it. Use it. You know getting anything other than a neutral reference out of this place is moot.

So burn whatever you need.

Or just terminate your contract now. I know that is considered bad form but you can easily spin things as a health related issue caused you to terminate early.

Cause what you're going through is health issue. You don't have to elaborate or explain.

[TheOtherMe]

If my memory is correct, Chloe has a new job lined up.

[CCL]

 Knee Deep in Water Chloe

I don't know much about FMLA, but agree with Drama. Use any paid time off you have, or take the time without pay. If those aren't options, then quit. You don't need them. 

I'm so sorry you have to go through all this. 

[finnime]

In the last few days I realize I'm slipping down. We are in summer weather and I feel stony, blunted. If it goes much further I'll slow to a stop. Need to talk with my shrink. We have an appointment set for next Wednesday, a regular monthly.

[azucena]

Jun 6, 2024 2:52:43 GMT -5 finnime said:

In the last few days I realize I'm slipping down. We are in summer weather and I feel stony, blunted. If it goes much further I'll slow to a stop. Need to talk with my shrink. We have an appointment set for next Wednesday, a regular monthly.

Was just thinking about you. Sorry to hear that you're not great. Would it help to have weekly appts in the summer?

What other self care can you do? Does traveling help? Do you need to go somewhere cool/cold? Like the opposite of snow birding.

[azucena]

Also worried about my friends Chloe and Theo.

Chloe - hope you'll post an update somewhere about ADA mtg. Wondering if your husband working in the same field is a hindrance - like is he pushing for you to follow all of the unspoken rules about not resigning. Rules don't apply when you're in crisis.

Theo - I keep meaning to text but days fly by and I'm barely treading water. I hate that your close by family doesn't look after you better. You're a remarkable woman - they're idiots for missing out. Pls text or call if ever need to vent. S and I are praying for your complete recovery.

[TheOtherMe]

I may take you up on the texting.  Do not be surprised.  You are so busy and I feel like you already have your hands full.

One week from today, I will not be putting topical chemotherapy on my face, so now I have started a countdown for my poor sore ugy nose.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

May 31, 2024 14:37:04 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

I don't know the ins and outs of FMLA and the length of time that it lasts.

Can you take the rest of the contract period off without pay?  

From what you share, it doesn't sound like you are ready to return to that toxic job?  

You do not want to return to that workplace.  From everything you have shared about it, it would not be good for you.  

I'm not going to return. I have enough sick leave to get me through the end of my contract (June 30). However, I'd resign effectively immediately if it came to it. 

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

May 31, 2024 17:21:22 GMT -5 azucena said:

I'm so sorry that the end of fmla triggered you. I don't follow why you can't just use vacation to get to the end of the contract.

Your mental health is too important to go back to crap job. If you can't take time off, just quit.

Also can't remember if you set up a new job or not. Pretty sure your dh can support you so I'd encourage you to take as much time off as you need to recover.

It's something to do with policy and processes. I've at least figured that part out. 

Yes, I have a new job ready to start on July 8th. 

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

May 31, 2024 17:27:57 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

How much sick time you got left?

The end of FMLA simply means you no longer have protection in regards to them keeping A job open for you.

That's it. They can't make you come back.

It may mean you have to pay back health insurance premiums but IDK how that works in your profession. Check your contract.

If you have sick or vacation fuck it. Use it. You know getting anything other than a neutral reference out of this place is moot.

So burn whatever you need.

Or just terminate your contract now. I know that is considered bad form but you can easily spin things as a health related issue caused you to terminate early.

Cause what you're going through is health issue. You don't have to elaborate or explain.

This is part that DH keeps explaining over and over again to me. This is procedural about "keeping my job", and I'm not doing that. Fortunately, DH is carrying our health insurance right now. 

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Jun 6, 2024 2:52:43 GMT -5 finnime said:

In the last few days I realize I'm slipping down. We are in summer weather and I feel stony, blunted. If it goes much further I'll slow to a stop. Need to talk with my shrink. We have an appointment set for next Wednesday, a regular monthly.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Jun 6, 2024 6:23:07 GMT -5 azucena said:

Also worried about my friends Chloe and Theo.

Chloe - hope you'll post an update somewhere about ADA mtg. Wondering if your husband working in the same field is a hindrance - like is he pushing for you to follow all of the unspoken rules about not resigning. Rules don't apply when you're in crisis.

Theo - I keep meaning to text but days fly by and I'm barely treading water. I hate that your close by family doesn't look after you better. You're a remarkable woman - they're idiots for missing out. Pls text or call if ever need to vent. S and I are praying for your complete recovery.

It's scheduled for Friday at 1pm. From what I can surmise, it's just procedural. I just went to such a worst case scenario of somehow they could make me go back there. 
At first, last fall, yes, DH was pushing for all of that regarding finishing out the contract. However, since mid-March, he's been adamant that I don't have to go back there. February - April were a really bad time for me, and he fortunately was able to recognize that in his middle-age male WASP mindset of mental health being taboo. 

[azucena]

Jun 6, 2024 11:29:19 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Jun 6, 2024 6:23:07 GMT -5 azucena said:

Also worried about my friends Chloe and Theo.

Chloe - hope you'll post an update somewhere about ADA mtg. Wondering if your husband working in the same field is a hindrance - like is he pushing for you to follow all of the unspoken rules about not resigning. Rules don't apply when you're in crisis.

Theo - I keep meaning to text but days fly by and I'm barely treading water. I hate that your close by family doesn't look after you better. You're a remarkable woman - they're idiots for missing out. Pls text or call if ever need to vent. S and I are praying for your complete recovery.

It's scheduled for Friday at 1pm. From what I can surmise, it's just procedural. I just went to such a worst case scenario of somehow they could make me go back there. 
At first, last fall, yes, DH was pushing for all of that regarding finishing out the contract. However, since mid-March, he's been adamant that I don't have to go back there. February - April were a really bad time for me, and he fortunately was able to recognize that in his middle-age male WASP mindset of mental health being taboo. 

Tell him your imaginary internet friend Azucena says he done good.

Hopefully you feel like you're climbing out of the darkness.

[azucena]

Jun 6, 2024 10:05:34 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

I may take you up on the texting.  Do not be surprised.  You are so busy and I feel like you already have your hands full.

One week from today, I will not be putting topical chemotherapy on my face, so now I have started a countdown for my poor sore ugy nose.

 I wouldn't have offered if I didn't mean it    You've been one of my biggest champions on here - way more supportive from afar about bonus teen than most of my IRL friends. I only have one consistently checking in on me via text and a couple good friends at work.

I could really use a decent women's college bball game to watch for an evening this week. Maybe I should look if any are saved in my subscriptions lol. Wearing my CC shirt 'you break it, you own it' today. Can binge watch olympics in a few weeks.

[TheOtherMe]

That particular shirt is in my dirty laundry basket.   

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Had a therapist appointment today--regularly scheduled. 
She is also annoyed with HR asking for the ADA paperwork. We debated not completing it but did decide that it was simply for procedural purposes. 
She filled it out with as few words as possible including the word none as the answer to "what accommodations will help this person do their job". 

She has decided that my depression is in remission. 
We're going to cut back the Atavin again.I've been on that since the beginning of February. 
I'm still up on the Prozac dose. I've been on it for over ten years. My PCP upped the dose about 18 months ago and then the psychiatric MHNP upped it again when I first met with her. 

I don't know if I mentioned this before, but she also pretty quickly (during our 1st & 2nd meetings) diagnosed me with ADHD. Now that I've read about ADHD in adult women, that diagnoses makes a lot of sense. 

[daisylu]

Jun 6, 2024 12:51:16 GMT -5 azucena said:

Jun 6, 2024 11:29:19 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

It's scheduled for Friday at 1pm. From what I can surmise, it's just procedural. I just went to such a worst case scenario of somehow they could make me go back there. 
At first, last fall, yes, DH was pushing for all of that regarding finishing out the contract. However, since mid-March, he's been adamant that I don't have to go back there. February - April were a really bad time for me, and he fortunately was able to recognize that in his middle-age male WASP mindset of mental health being taboo. 

Tell him your imaginary internet friend Azucena says he done good.

Hopefully you feel like you're climbing out of the darkness.

Agreed!

[finnime]

Since I've known him, my DH has also come many, many miles in his understanding and acceptance of MH issues and the need for meds. I'm grateful for that. We could not be together otherwise.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Just had a 92-second conversation with the HR director at my current place of employment. 

“This will be quick. Is taking the rest of the year the accommodation you’re requesting?”

“Yes”

“I approve." 

"Thank you. I appreciate it."

[anciana]

Jun 7, 2024 15:04:06 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Just had a 92-second conversation with the HR director at my current place of employment. 

“This will be quick. Is taking the rest of the year the accommodation you’re requesting?”

“Yes”

“I approve." 

"Thank you. I appreciate it."

Yay! That’s great news! So glad it was quick and easy, just wish they could’ve done that over email or phone. But, it’s done and that’s important!

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

It was over the phone, so that was better than going there. I do (in my rational brain) think they’re just trying to follow policies. It’s frustrating though—my current level of catastrophizing.

[finnime]

Jun 6, 2024 6:18:47 GMT -5 azucena said:

Jun 6, 2024 2:52:43 GMT -5 finnime said:

In the last few days I realize I'm slipping down. We are in summer weather and I feel stony, blunted. If it goes much further I'll slow to a stop. Need to talk with my shrink. We have an appointment set for next Wednesday, a regular monthly.

Was just thinking about you. Sorry to hear that you're not great. Would it help to have weekly appts in the summer?

What other self care can you do? Does traveling help? Do you need to go somewhere cool/cold? Like the opposite of snow birding.

Thank you for the support.

I'm really not up for planning anything, just trying to get through the days right now.

[anciana]

Jun 6, 2024 2:52:43 GMT -5 finnime said:

In the last few days I realize I'm slipping down. We are in summer weather and I feel stony, blunted. If it goes much further I'll slow to a stop. Need to talk with my shrink. We have an appointment set for next Wednesday, a regular monthly.

Somehow I missed this. I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I seem to remember that last summer it was better and how much nicer that was. I hope the doctor helps figure out something that would help. I hope your DH knows and can be his usual supportive self. I hope that being closer to your family also keeps you occupied and helps. I am not sure what would be good and helpful, I wish I knew what to say and do for you. Yesterday I came home early from work and instead of attacking my to-do list, I just felt tired and blunted myself, just ended up taking a little nap that didn’t seem to help. I felt as if the lights were dimmed and couldn’t get myself to keep going. I wonder if that’s how summer weather feels for you because that was pretty awful. Sending all the hugs 🤗

[finnime]

That is what it's like often, anciana. Yes. And it's awful but mainly I feel numbed. So hard to get going and do anything at all.

[Pink Cashmere]

Jun 8, 2024 11:20:43 GMT -5 finnime said:

That is what it's like often, anciana . Yes. And it's awful but mainly I feel numbed. So hard to get going and do anything at all.

I am sorry you aren’t feeling the best right now. You are always so kind and supportive with other people, and I am at a loss as to how to give that back to you in this moment, and wish I knew how, but I’m just not so good with that kind of thing. Just know that I do care, and I am thinking of you, and I really, really hope you feel better soon. Many hugs, my friend.💕💕💕

[finnime]

Thank you, Pink Cashmere. That helps.

[saveinla]

Jun 8, 2024 11:20:43 GMT -5 finnime said:

That is what it's like often, anciana. Yes. And it's awful but mainly I feel numbed. So hard to get going and do anything at all.

Hugs finnime.

[debthaven]

finnime I'm so sorry. 

I know that the fairs are a LOT of work. Can you cut down? Or be more careful about the ones you attend, ie attend the good ones closer to you, or to your siblings, but leave out the others? 

I do realize that it may take some time to figure out which ones are worth doing ... but perhaps it might help knowing that you'll be cutting down on them next year?!

Also Knee Deep in Water Chloe I am SO PROUD OF YOU for that conversation!!! I am SO glad you didn't even entertain going back to that horrid, toxic beech.