Battling Depression

[finnime]

Your DD is in a trying place, azucena. She's very fortunate to have you for her mother. She needs to learn to redirect herself, I think, and that's a big job when she's in the throes of it. Hang in there. Parenting isn't for sissies, I know you know.

[busymom]

I know this seem simplistic, but does your DD have a gratitude journal azucena?  A trick that works for me, and MAYBE could work for her, is after a bad day, write down 3 things that went right.  The 3 things can be kinda lame, like lunch was good, I saw a cardinal fly through the yard, etc.  but sometimes you just need to remind yourself on a bad day that at least a few things went right.  (I didn't burn dinner.  The washing machine is still working.  The weather sucks more in another state than it sucks here.)     Junior high is SUCH a tough age.  It was rough on me, and my own DD too.

[azucena]

Thanks for the support. Last night was truly tough. I tried using several of her therapy tools but she just wasn't having it. Instead she got hung up on therapy doesn't help anyway so why keep going.

She hit every one of my button's and then I also got so resentful that as soon as DD15 and I got back from college trip, DH took off for an impromptu evening of gaming so he wasn't available to tag in when I knew I was going to lose my temper with her. So that was a completely unrelated trigger that made me super angry. I ended up just repeating that we needed to take a break from each other because we weren't getting anywhere and we were both getting our feelings hurt over and over.

She does have a gratitude journal, and sometimes general writing helps. But, it's truly treacherous territory when she can't name anything that went well in any given day bc in her mind well = perfect.

I got myself a gratitude journal for xmas. Maybe practicing that together an hour before bedtime would help. Was also thinking general reading together might set her brain straight before bed.

I didn't harp at her for playing music and singing during her math hw and that did seem to make it more tolerable for her.

I have my own therapy on Thurs so will use some of my posts here to have therapist help me figure out solutions.

I do wonder at what point we consider changing therapists for DD11. It's mostly talk therapy now since we said the play therapy wasn't impactful enough for her. It's still been slow, slow progress. It's in the back of my head that her therapist is newly certified and wondering if a therapist with more experience might be needed since DD is so complex. Not sure how to go about that bc it feels somewhat confrontational and her therapist has been nothing but kind to us.

[daisylu]

I will be starting a gratitude journal tonight. I have been getting bogged down with how much is not going well right now that I forget to acknowledge the good things. Thanks for the suggestion. 

[azucena]

Oh, I forgot to mention that around midnight, she climbed into bed with me and whispered I'm very, very sorry mommy. I accepted her apology and apologized too and then we snuggled a bit before she went back to her own bed.

[wvugurl26]

The gratitude journal is a good suggestion. Perhaps doing it with her will help to turn around the perfection thoughts. Could you send a note to the therapist ahead of time that says xyz is not working. We need help with shutting down x thoughts.

I'm going to steal the gratitude suggestion. Along with mapping out how to fix/get out of the thing that has me most upset at the moment. It bothers me a lot that coming up on the one year anniversary of my grandma's passing that the estate is not done. I should make a plan of how I'm going to get to my desired end. Perhaps that will make me feel more in control and that I'm working my plan to get there. The one company taking three full months to transfer ownership of stock just really messed me up.

[finnime]

Yes, a gratitude journal and a change in therapists or approach by the therapist. Plus, maybe, some kind of outlet, not you, for her frustration and angst. Something to physically let everything out. Does she swim? I used to suggest my kids get in the hot tub or take a shower. Then pay strict attention to the feel of the water. When your mind wanders, gently move it back.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I've been struggling lately which is normal.

What is not normal is I've been having panic attacks at night again.

I told DH think that might be because it's dark so long this time of year it gives my fear of the dark time to ramp up.

I've been practicing what the therapist told me to try and working on grounding myself.

And I remind myself I am home with DH and I'm safe over and over.

IDK if that will ever truly go away.

My dad said he developed major triggers after grandpa's death too.

[azucena]

Sorry Drama. Sounds like you're doing all the 'right' things. I keep telling myself it's Jan 19th so only a month and a half of real winter darkness left. March 1 always feels like the end to me.

[TheOtherMe]

Drama, have you thought about investing in a SAD lamp?  It might help.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Jan 19, 2024 19:05:20 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Drama, have you thought about investing in a SAD lamp?  It might help.

I have and then I never get around to it.

Even with the issues in my department working where I work now helps.  I can see sunlight from our windows even though we are in the basement and I eat in the cafeteria which is a full wall of windows.

Unlike my last company.  I was going insane the only way I could see sun was through the door to the parking lot and that was only when I changed.  I could go days without seeing sun depending on how busy we were.

[wvugurl26]

December/January just sucked. I have finally decided I need to leave my house more. Of course then it snows twice in a week after we've gone years with no snow. Seeing some sun and knowing this darkness will end soon helps a bit. I've never been a winter fan but this one is particularly crappy. It was probably to be expected but still dragging through it sucks.

I'm not a particularly extroverted person except for those closest to me but I think being in this house for days on end wasn't helping my mood.

One good thing about working from home my desk is beside the kitchen/dining sliders so tons of sunlight.

[TheOtherMe]

Jan 19, 2024 19:11:54 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Jan 19, 2024 19:05:20 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Drama, have you thought about investing in a SAD lamp?  It might help.

I have and then I never get around to it.

Even with the issues in my department working where I work now helps.  I can see sunlight from our windows even though we are in the basement and I eat in the cafeteria which is a full wall of windows.

Unlike my last company.  I was going insane the only way I could see sun was through the door to the parking lot and that was only when I changed.  I could go days without seeing sun depending on how busy we were.

At the last tax office where I worked, there were no windows to the outside in the tax department.  I had to go walk around the parking lot as the windows in the lunch area were very small.  

[finnime]

The time after the holidays can be especially rough for many people, especially if you don't get out and can't see sunlight during the day much. A sun lamp is relatively cheap effective therapy I think. Sorry you're having a hard time, NomoreDramaQ1015. Hang in there.

[azucena]

Jan 19, 2024 19:11:54 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Jan 19, 2024 19:05:20 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Drama, have you thought about investing in a SAD lamp?  It might help.

I have and then I never get around to it.

Even with the issues in my department working where I work now helps.  I can see sunlight from our windows even though we are in the basement and I eat in the cafeteria which is a full wall of windows.

Unlike my last company.  I was going insane the only way I could see sun was through the door to the parking lot and that was only when I changed.  I could go days without seeing sun depending on how busy we were.

Delegate it to your DH as a way he can help you.

[raeoflyte]

azucena -my dc sounds so similar to your younger dd. Days like that are so hard. I told dc the other day that I was nervous for teen years with them just on the glimpses so far.

But on a positive note, we still read together before bed and it's a good reset for us. No matter what has gone on during the day we have that which is really separate. We need to push it earlier and earlier because it's also the time dc will really talk to me.

[Pink Cashmere]

I had an appointment with my therapist today. Usually I try to have something I want to talk about at my appointments, and try to keep both of us on track with that subject. But I am so all over the place right now, that I didn’t even know where to start. So somehow we ended up mostly talking about YD and while I got some useful information and it might sound horrible to say, trying to establish a relationship with YD is not at the top of my priorities right now. My relationship with Mister is going down in flames, to the point that I am not even willing to be vulnerable with him, and idk if we will even be able to repair the relationship or stay in it. So what’s the point of trying to foster a relationship with YD when I’m not even sure I will continue to be a part of her life, and open myself up to what will almost certainly be rejection and obstacles to try to overcome, when I’m already feeling down about a lot of other stuff?

I understood where she was coming from, about me needing to find my voice again, but I’m not gonna start with YD. I need to start with Mister. If we can’t or won’t get our relationship together, there’s no point in me trying to work on having a relationship with YD.

[azucena]

Pink - sorry your therapist wasn't super helpful.

Dd11 is in full dumping mode again since I brought her home from school. I tried listening and affirming her feelings but I just couldn't keep up and keep listening. Thought I had her flipped to focus on something pleasant finally and then she cycled back to everything she deems wrong. Tagged in DH but I can still hear her and he's not using any of the coping strategies bc he can't be bothered. He's pushing back about each and every thing.

[finnime]

Pink Cashmere I really hope for you that you find a way to clear the underbrush in your life and relationship with Mister. I don't know. Maybe your therapist was trying to help you with one aspect of your life that you do have some room to maneuver with, in the form of YD.

I wish that you had a place you could go and plug in to restore your strength and tranquility. You're such a good person.

[finnime]

azucena, big hugs while you help your DD.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Pink a lot of your problems lately surround Mister. Not just his relationship with you but how he deals with everyone else around him and in relation to you.

When I was in chaos I likened it to I have a cage of squirrels in my head. The squirrels busted out and snorted a bunch of coke.

My thought was I needed to catch all the squirrels at first.

Nope what I really needed was to build a new cage.

My therapist helped me see that. The squirrels now still get loose but I have a way to contain them and prevent all of them from getting out at once.

Perhaps your therapist is trying to do the same for you. You can't hear your own voice when everyone else is screaming.

If you can quiet if not silence the screaming that gives you the brain space to listen to yourself.

I may be totally wrong on that. I'm just concerned your overall mentality right now8s coloring your view and interpretation of what she's saying VS what you're hearing.

Also just me but I ended up finding out that rambling resulted in me coming around to what was actually the problem. Therapist would latch on then gently refocus me when I got on a tangent.

I found trying to direct therapy really hard and just one more thing on my list.

Journaling would help too something would pop up and I'd make a note for the next session.

I hope you're able to catch your Crack squirrels Pink. You've been through a lot and deserve to rest.

[TheOtherMe]

I can't direct my therapy either,  She picks up on something I say and off we go.  

I am down today.  I really just wanted to stay in bed and do nothing.

[Sunnyday]

The days where I haven't showered or brushed my teeth in days are really dark, and other days, I'm just fine. 

Even when I'm fine, something hits me (a memory) and it knocks the wind out of me.   

But most of the time, I'm just fine.  I know that people are struggling with very hard circumstances along with depression and anxiety.  

I wanted to share a shower thought today (didn't actually take a shower! lol) with you as it may help you. Bear with me as I take you on some tangents before getting to the point. 

I read that the anxiety and excitement have the same physical reactions in our body (butterflies in the stomach, nervous energy, etc..).

Your body can't tell the difference, but of course your mind can. I know that my past life is gone. I understand that, and I don't want it back. Yet, I feel this constant pit in my stomach.
This dread, a bit like fear, but more like this generalized anxiety. 

I would constantly be reframing and talking myself through it.  Today the anxiety was intense. So I went down the self examination road ..  If I don't want my old life back, and I accept the past and the present. Why am I fearful? Why am I anxious?

I realize it's because I don't know what the future holds? I knew 5 years ago what my life was going to be 30 years down the road, and now nothing is known. It's all up for grabs!  I don't have to be anxious, I can be excited. 

It's like the first day of school in a new school.  It can go bad or it can go great, most likely, it'll go just ok.  I can choose to not feel anxious, I can tell myself that I'm actually excited.  

I know for those of you that are going through some really difficult times that my shower thought might be laughable. 

The thing is I can't change what happened, it happened. Whatever happened to you happened. I might be lying to myself saying that I'm excited instead of scared, because it won't change my current reality. However, if I feel scared and anxious, I won't act. I'll just keep hidden away in my apartment, not showering.  Then, for sure, my future will be like my present. If I trick myself into being excited, I can see every day as an adventure. 

I don't know who I'm trying to convince more, you guys or me. lol

All I know is that I need to act. I can't stay like this forever.

I saw a hilarious meme.  It read "You're not healed, you're just isolated with no one to trigger you."
Yep, that's me.  

[finnime]

I like your thinking, Sunnyday. I would think it could really help. Especially if the ways in which you manage excitement apply.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

My therapist said that you can only spend so long in fight/flight mode before things start rewiring themselves.  Once whatever it is that is causing it is over your body doesn't know what to do now so it starts manufacturing things to be stressed about because that's it's normal.

It also doesn't help that so many things are existential now.  There is no real defined "end" to it.   Compare that to when we evolved and the threat was a saber tooth tiger in front of your cave.  Your body wouldn't allow you to sleep as long as it was there.  Once it was gone and you visibly could see that your body was cued to the threat is over it's now time to sleep.

You can't really do that when it's work stress, relationship stress or a chronic illness or having to deal with elder care.  There isn't an immediate visual cue that you can lower your guard and rest now. It's just always THERE nebulous in the background.  There is no tiger to fight with a spear it's just THERE.  For freaking forever.

My burn out book calls it closing the stress cycle.  For things that are existential we have to create our own ways to close the loop even if it the tinniest victory.   The shit with my grandma is not going to end until she passes.  So with the help of the burn out book and my therapist I have tried to create mini goals.  Like I found grandpa's DD214.  Okay that loop is closed.

She got approved for Medicaid a few weeks ago that is a HUGE stress loop closed.

The death of my mother is not something I can change, but I have to figure out a way to close the loop that was created by it.  So I've been grounding myself when it hits and letting myself feel the feels.  Then I imagine putting them in my palm and either setting fire to them or blowing them into the wind (you can also use a stream image if water is your preference).  I am considering actually doing a fire cleansing ceremony because my brain tends to be literal am I am wondering if actually seeing my anxities burn away would help.

I think part of why I am so focused on it right now is because I closed the grandma stress loop.  She has taken up so much of my time and mental energy because her needs were my highest priority that I had to set aside my need to process everything else that happened in the same time frame.   Now my brain and body are demanding I close the loop on my mom.

[TheOtherMe]

I am still dealing with my dad's death and I think I always will be.  I am still livid that his last 6 months were so horrible and they didn't have to be.  He would have been so much better in assisted living before the nursing home, but I had no say in the matter.  

I can't forgive my sister for doing this to him.  The only way I could deal with it at the time was to reign in what I was doing and only doing that.  

It also caused me to puke almost daily for about two years.  At least that is under control.

I know I will never be over the death of either of my parents' deaths.  But I can handle mom's now.  I can't my dad's.

[finnime]

That's a lot of wisdom in what you posted, Drama. Thank you.

[finnime]

That's an awful burden to carry, TheOtherMe. I'm sorry. You did so much for your dad.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Jan 26, 2024 11:44:06 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

I am still dealing with my dad's death and I think I always will be.  I am still lived that his last 6 months were so horrible and they didn't have to be.  He would have been so much better in assisted living before the nursing home, but I had no say in the matter.  

I can't forgive my sister for doing this to him.  The only way I could deal with it at the time was to reign in what I was doing and only doing that.  

It also caused me to puke almost daily for about two years.  At least that is under control.

I know I will never be over the death of either of my parents' deaths.  But I can handle mom's now.  I can't my dad's.

I honestly think that is fair.  I know that they always say that "forgiveness is not for the person who committed the offense" but I am sorry there are just some things that are not forgivable.

I cannot forgive my mom's family.  I cannot forgive GU or my grandmother for what they have put us through.

I will admit it makes it incredibly hard to visit the nursing home but I try to force myself to do it anyhow.  I am struggling lately because I wrestle with the guilt of her being my grandmother but at the same time my brain thinks that not visiting is a perfectly reasonable boundary at the moment.  I need time to process and being in that place just reminds me of all the crap I've been put through.

I don't care if the rest of mom's family was on fire, I wouldn't so much as spit on them.  I have no issue with never acknowledging their existence ever again.  They get the same courtesy they gave my mother.  I don't need to forgive them to feel peace I feel perfectly at peace right now thank you very much.

Honestly I don't know if I will ever be not dealing with my mother's death either considering how it happened.  Every time I have heartburn or am short of breath I freak my shit.  That's just scratching the surface.  My goal is to have it become background noise someday.

I had an easier time with MIL. I miss her but she was already 87 and to be honest I had a sinking feeling this would happen the moment she mentioned she was going to have surgery again.  I didn't think COVID would hitch a ride but I argued with DH that I was really worried that she would die on the operating table this time and he/his siblings needed to have a CTJ talk with her at least for their own peace of mind.  Her death wasn't the shock to me that it was to DH.  I was already preparing for it and the resulting fall out.

[TheOtherMe]

I cannot forgive my sister.  Dad was starving to death even though he got Meals on Wheels and I took him shopping once a week.  He wasn't eating the meals and he was rarely buying food.  

When he was hospitalized, it took almost a week to get enough fluids in him to get him hydrated.  That still makes me cry.  She was going there daily.  I don't know how she didn't see it.  I saw it and told her but nothing happened.