Battling Depression

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Aug 3, 2023 9:11:11 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

My mother mothered us until her final days.  

My mom was comforting ME telling me not to worry the day she went in having a heart attack when she realized I had slipped into the room.     She was a mom first and always.

[wvugurl26]

My grandma was the same fussing over me the entire time she remained conscious. She was that way my whole life. I swear she was happiest when all of her "chicks" were under her roof.

[finnime]

DD is making progress, packing and preparing, discontinuing utility and other services and changing her address as of moving date, plus filling yet more boxes. She's even getting to the point of giving away her plants. Plus today the woman who did cleaning for me is helping.

Really good news for the future is that my next door neighbor offered to rent her home in October for at least 18 months, longer if she likes, to DD. DD is really happy about this. She can house her cats and have room for her Stuff, plus it's much more convenient for rides and errands.

[finnime]

Well, this seriously sucks. Neighbor has decided she really cannot rent her house out. She's a snowbird and needs the house for medical care available in this area but not in NH, where she would go for summer months.

Back to searching and hoping. Haven't told DD yet.

[azucena]

Ugh, Finn. Sorry that you're back to figuring out housing.

Asked DD15 to go through her overflowing closet and DD11 to go through school supplies. Both went full meltdown within the hour because their anxiety is so high about school starting. August is going to be a long month.

[finnime]

Sorry, azucena, about the anxiety in your DDs and in your home. Why does it have to be so hard?

[finnime]

Yeah! Neighbor changed he mind again. Her real fear was huge cleaning bills in the wake of 3 cats, so we offered to have the [lace professionally cleaned.

[debthaven]

WONDERFUL news finnime !!!

[anciana]

Aug 7, 2023 14:47:08 GMT -5 finnime said:

Yeah! Neighbor changed he mind again. Her real fear was huge cleaning bills in the wake of 3 cats, so we offered to have the [lace professionally cleaned.

What a roller coaster! I am so glad you got it all straightened out so that it works out for everyone.

[TheOtherMe]

Make sure there is a written agreement finnime

[finnime]

Yes, to the written agreement. To protect us both.

[finnime]

DD is making good steady progress on packing. But, she can't manage herself well. Every day she works until she can't take another step, then calls me in a panic because boxes are everywhere and there's so much to do. I talk her down and convince her to take a break. We will be there on Sunday after my conference. She is getting rid of some furniture, all things she agreed she could live without. FB marketplace and her neighborhood listserve to the rescue.

All told, it's good enough.

[TheOtherMe]

Are the cats going to your basement?  Is the rental arrangement still on?

[finnime]

Yes, the cats are going into the basement. The rental is on; it starts in mid-October when neighbor will be leaving for a cruise and to do her winter in Florida, then next spring go to New Hampshire.

DD has major general anxiety disorder as well as bipolar/depression. So she needs them. I get that. But it's going to be a major disruption, as one's children are apt to do.

[TheOtherMe]

I totally get the needing the cats.  Will the cats be with you the entire time or do they move with her in October?

[finnime]

Oh, the cats are definitely going with her!

[azucena]

Took DD15 to the ped for well visit. Therapist suggested ped order bloodwork including thyroid and hormones to check if there are underlying physical causes to the anxiety and panic disorder. Ped didn't seem to know what to order. Asked for referral to psychiatrist to start talking about medication. They don't refer to anyone in mental health bc 'it's too complicated'. She said I'll have to do my own research on who is covered by my ins plan and call around to see who is taking appts. Also said to expect it to take months. Fan-fucking-tastic. Let me just pick blindly for an important doctor. Our healthcare system sucks! And, sure, I'd love to add that to my to do list.

Meanwhile, I love how openly DD15 shares with her friends, but that also means she knows how many of them are medicated and what they are taking. So, she's asking me for specific drugs by name which scares me. She may well need medication but it seems like she thinks that's the easy way out which means she isn't working as hard on talk therapy and coping skills. I can hear her therapy sessions without even trying bc she's loud and they are more like a gab fests than working on problems. I told her a couple of weeks ago that she needs to switch to doing the hard work.

DD11 mentioned her anxiety and trouble sleeping to the ped. Ped right away suggested melatonin. Not so helpful esp when DD11 was already also asking for it by name bc she knows how many of her friends take it. Feels wrong to disrupt such young body functions and would just camouflage the underlying issues.

[finnime]

One really challenging aspect of helping children through psychological and psychiatric issues is that the professionals really do NOT know. I wish you great success in guiding your DD11, azucena. The best psych professionals are hard to identify and often booked up months in advance. Children are so changeable that what might be pathology might also be just hormone storms from puberty, or growing quickly, or being uncomfortable with themselves. Or it could be a treatable thing.

I wish psych therapy were more like physical therapy: easy to promote and order by doctors and with no stigma but several times a week okay if needed.

[azucena]

Barely hanging in with dd15s musical anxiety (made it thru opening weekend), one more weekend to go.

Last night was her back to school meltdown. A college freshman friend texted at 915 and said they were stopping by before going back to their dorm about an hour away. Said friend was a good influence but became toxic after graduation. Dd15 had been distancing herself. Text and visit reopened all that.

Meanwhile dh attempted to deal with dd11s bedtime meltdown. He seems to have promised her she could move to a basement bedroom which has never been the plan. So now I'm dealing with after school meltdown about how I'm always so mean and taking stuff away. Just texted him about how he should have shut that shit down. Probably too harsh. Likely leads to a great night.

Meanwhile our oven hasn't been working for almost 3 weeks and our microwave handle broke so both need to be replaced. I have no patience at the end of the work day to go figure that out. Dh swears he has model numbers and dimensions but I don't trust that. Getting something that doesn't fit will be a big mistake to take care of.

And it's 105 here today and the next 4 days which makes everyone pissy. Could barely stand getting in the car to go pick up kids. Another reason to skip appliance shopping.

[Pink Cashmere]

Aug 21, 2023 15:56:52 GMT -5 azucena said:

Barely hanging in with dd15s musical anxiety (made it thru opening weekend), one more weekend to go.

Last night was her back to school meltdown. A college freshman friend texted at 915 and said they were stopping by before going back to their dorm about an hour away. Said friend was a good influence but became toxic after graduation. Dd15 had been distancing herself. Text and visit reopened all that.

Meanwhile dh attempted to deal with dd11s bedtime meltdown. He seems to have promised her she could move to a basement bedroom which has never been the plan. So now I'm dealing with after school meltdown about how I'm always so mean and taking stuff away. Just texted him about how he should have shut that shit down. Probably too harsh. Likely leads to a great night.

Meanwhile our oven hasn't been working for almost 3 weeks and our microwave handle broke so both need to be replaced. I have no patience at the end of the work day to go figure that out. Dh swears he has model numbers and dimensions but I don't trust that. Getting something that doesn't fit will be a big mistake to take care of.

And it's 105 here today and the next 4 days which makes everyone pissy. Could barely stand getting in the car to go pick up kids. Another reason to skip appliance shopping.

If you measure correctly, can you not order an oven online? I measured the old dishwasher and the space, and ordered our new dishwasher online.

I’m sorry you are dealing with so much, and I agree that the heat definitely does not help at all. 

[TheOtherMe]

I thought she enjoyed the musicals and drama.  

I do think the start of a school year is difficult for many kids.  Wait until they go to college and can't figure out where their classrooms are.  My sister says her grandson is off to a rocky start at Iowa State.  His roommate wants to drink and party and grandson doesn't drink.  He was also nervous about where his classrooms were so she and grandpa took him to the actual classrooms, not just to the buildings on Friday.  

He is already thinking about leaving because of the roommate.  RA told him in two weeks, they can change rooms so try to ride it out that long.  

He was already nervous about the roommate because he didn't want to interact at all before they got to campus.  So both took things like mini-fridges and microwaves.  Roommate is thinking he will join a frat.  If he does that, he will spend a lot of time there and that may be the solution to roommate issues.

[finnime]

That's rough, azucena. The start of the school year is like a fire alarm going off for kids without anxiety. For those dealing with it anyway it starts to border the impossible.

Could you plan on a family retreat for a weekend, one or two weeks away? I was just at a conference for freelancers and retreats were a big topic of discussion. They make sense to me as a reset, a chance to consider where you are and where you are headed, thoughtfully, and make plans.

Best to you and your DDs.

[azucena]

Theo - she loves being on stage, but it does add to her anxiety esp performance week and when her overall anxiety is already high. She's rocked the 4 performances so far; two more to go this weekend.

Heard her tell a friend that she ate lunch alone. Will take a bit for her to link up with folks in the same lunch hours. Three lunch periods. She's early half the week and late the other. Last yr it worked out for her to eat in the theater room bc it was the teacher's free period. Here's hoping it works again for at least half her lunches.

Fin - We are going to family camp Labor day weekend. No cell phone reception, lots of water activities for DH and the girls, fishing and more fishing for me. Fingers crossed it's not so stinking hot.

First weekend of Oct, we go on church retreat where they should each have friends attending.

Looking at mid-Oct weekend to go to Chicago. Kids have 4 day weekend that lines up. Would like to see how DD15 enjoys the city as a precursor to college visits. Will be a spendy trip if I pull the trigger but YOLO.

[anciana]

Aug 16, 2023 9:16:41 GMT -5 azucena said:

Took DD15 to the ped for well visit. Therapist suggested ped order bloodwork including thyroid and hormones to check if there are underlying physical causes to the anxiety and panic disorder. Ped didn't seem to know what to order. Asked for referral to psychiatrist to start talking about medication. They don't refer to anyone in mental health bc 'it's too complicated'. She said I'll have to do my own research on who is covered by my ins plan and call around to see who is taking appts. Also said to expect it to take months. Fan-fucking-tastic. Let me just pick blindly for an important doctor. Our healthcare system sucks! And, sure, I'd love to add that to my to do list.

Meanwhile, I love how openly DD15 shares with her friends, but that also means she knows how many of them are medicated and what they are taking. So, she's asking me for specific drugs by name which scares me. She may well need medication but it seems like she thinks that's the easy way out which means she isn't working as hard on talk therapy and coping skills. I can hear her therapy sessions without even trying bc she's loud and they are more like a gab fests than working on problems. I told her a couple of weeks ago that she needs to switch to doing the hard work.

DD11 mentioned her anxiety and trouble sleeping to the ped. Ped right away suggested melatonin. Not so helpful esp when DD11 was already also asking for it by name bc she knows how many of her friends take it. Feels wrong to disrupt such young body functions and would just camouflage the underlying issues.

In addition to everything that finnime said, I would like to add that there are other things we can do to make things easier for our children while we’re looking for the appropriate doctors and they are looking into appropriate medications. You are already doing so many of those things. You are open and available to talk with them, have opened your home to their friends so you can be there to see the interactions, you are doing everything you can to make sure they are maintaining their physical health that has a huge impact on the mental and emotional health.
I have bought couple of weighted blankets for sleeping. One of my kids liked it, the other one didn’t and said they were feeling trapped. One of my kids sometimes uses melatonin but the dreams get weirder. I have found for myself that some of the supposedly calming OTCs don’t seem to work to quiet my anxiety all that well, or maybe I’m expecting too much from them, and they’re really working, just limited so I will take them from time to time. I have tried taking a little bit of magnesium glycinate/lysinate that is much better absorbed (the more readily found oxalate did nothing) before bed to try and relax my muscles as I get sooo tense and it seemed to help me, along with the weighed blanket so I would sleep better. None of those things were prescribed by a doctor and I just kept reading and trying different things so you will need to do the same and check it out, ask your doctor. I’m still, and probably always will be, on a lookout for something that will help. Wishing you strength and courage! *hugs*

[azucena]

Aug 23, 2023 13:38:40 GMT -5 anciana said:

Aug 16, 2023 9:16:41 GMT -5 azucena said:

Took DD15 to the ped for well visit. Therapist suggested ped order bloodwork including thyroid and hormones to check if there are underlying physical causes to the anxiety and panic disorder. Ped didn't seem to know what to order. Asked for referral to psychiatrist to start talking about medication. They don't refer to anyone in mental health bc 'it's too complicated'. She said I'll have to do my own research on who is covered by my ins plan and call around to see who is taking appts. Also said to expect it to take months. Fan-fucking-tastic. Let me just pick blindly for an important doctor. Our healthcare system sucks! And, sure, I'd love to add that to my to do list.

Meanwhile, I love how openly DD15 shares with her friends, but that also means she knows how many of them are medicated and what they are taking. So, she's asking me for specific drugs by name which scares me. She may well need medication but it seems like she thinks that's the easy way out which means she isn't working as hard on talk therapy and coping skills. I can hear her therapy sessions without even trying bc she's loud and they are more like a gab fests than working on problems. I told her a couple of weeks ago that she needs to switch to doing the hard work.

DD11 mentioned her anxiety and trouble sleeping to the ped. Ped right away suggested melatonin. Not so helpful esp when DD11 was already also asking for it by name bc she knows how many of her friends take it. Feels wrong to disrupt such young body functions and would just camouflage the underlying issues.

In addition to everything that finnime said, I would like to add that there are other things we can do to make things easier for our children while we’re looking for the appropriate doctors and they are looking into appropriate medications. You are already doing so many of those things. You are open and available to talk with them, have opened your home to their friends so you can be there to see the interactions, you are doing everything you can to make sure they are maintaining their physical health that has a huge impact on the mental and emotional health.
I have bought couple of weighted blankets for sleeping. One of my kids liked it, the other one didn’t and said they were feeling trapped. One of my kids sometimes uses melatonin but the dreams get weirder. I have found for myself that some of the supposedly calming OTCs don’t seem to work to quiet my anxiety all that well, or maybe I’m expecting too much from them, and they’re really working, just limited so I will take them from time to time. I have tried taking a little bit of magnesium glycinate/lysinate that is much better absorbed (the more readily found oxalate did nothing) before bed to try and relax my muscles as I get sooo tense and it seemed to help me, along with the weighed blanket so I would sleep better. None of those things were prescribed by a doctor and I just kept reading and trying different things so you will need to do the same and check it out, ask your doctor. I’m still, and probably always will be, on a lookout for something that will help. Wishing you strength and courage! *hugs*

I love my weighted blanket. Neither kid seems to.

DD11 has found that soft blankets, stuffed animals and scrunchies mimic her best coping mechanism which is petting her cat.

Found some magnesium glycinate gummies and ordered them. Thanks for the heads up.

[azucena]

HS was in code yellow lockdown for 3 hours this afternoon. Parent rumor mill on fb says someone over 30 was arrested on campus for calling in a threat. State trooper's wife is the source.

And we wonder why so many kids have anxiety?!

[TheOtherMe]

That is something I never had to think about when I was in school.

We didn't know we needed to be concerned about child molesters, but we did.  The girl I sat by in 7th grade got in to a car on her way to school and got molested.  I had no idea of what that was until that happened to her.  We were not warned about molesters and what they do to prey on kids.  

In high school we had race riots in our high school both my junior and senior year.  That was the most upsetting to me because the instigators were not students.  They were out of school and in their 20's.  I think the way schools are locked now it would be harder for an outsider to start something.  I do know that it isn't impossible.  There were students taken away in ambulances in each incident.  Football games were frightening but I still went.  

Now there are schools that play in my high school's conference who refuse to play on that campus.  It doesn't sound like things have gotten any better in the racial relations area.  

Kids shouldn't have to deal with this stuff at any age.  

[azucena]

DD11 is super hung up on making high honor roll which is straight As with A being >=92 at our school. Hung up to the point that she's worrying about missing a single question on any assignment. She's a gifted student so could def pull straight As, but I'm telling her that our house chooses to focus on better mental health than great grades. Last night I said, I'd rather you be able to learn and do your homework without being a ball of stress and feeling worried all day, every day than get perfect grades.

Thoughts on how to keep talking to her about this?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Aug 24, 2023 9:37:23 GMT -5 azucena said:

DD11 is super hung up on making high honor roll which is straight As with A being >=92 at our school. Hung up to the point that she's worrying about missing a single question on any assignment. She's a gifted student so could def pull straight As, but I'm telling her that our house chooses to focus on better mental health than great grades. Last night I said, I'd rather you be able to learn and do your homework without being a ball of stress and feeling worried all day, every day than get perfect grades.

Thoughts on how to keep talking to her about this?

I think just keep repeating what you are saying.

I used to get stress hives two weeks before school started because I was afraid I had forgotten everything and would be stupid going back in.  My parents were at a total loss because they were never tiger parents so they had no clue where I developed such an overdriven sense of perfectionism.

As embarrassing as this to say the message didn't really sink in until I was in my late 30s when it came to school work.  I realized I was just checking boxes and if I passed who gives crap what my grade is.   OH so THAT is what my parents were trying to tell me!   

When it comes to everything else it wasn't until I hit maximum burn out last year that I finally had to listen.  Even then I struggle with it. 

With the girls I emphasize with them.  I explain my issues with perfectionism and over achievement and how that has cost me in a lot of ways.  I want them to learn from me and avoid my mistakes.  You don't want to be in a lot of ways.  Benefit from me having the age and life experience now to look back.

[TheOtherMe]

The not needing straight A's didn't hit me until adulthood either.  

It didn't help that my dad paid so much for A's, B's, and nothing for any lesser grade.

Now I feel like I wasted my high school and college years by trying to be a perfect student.  

I also don't know how much I learned and how much I was trying to get the A at any cost.