Battling Depression

[Pink Cashmere]

azucena, first of all, I don’t think you are lazy. Burned out maybe, but not lazy. You are juggling a lot of stuff mentally and emotionally between your job, your daughters, and their needs, your own needs and therapy, therapy with your husband, him, and your marriage. It’s no wonder you checked out somewhere, which it sounds like that was with managing the household mostly by yourself.

I don’t have any suggestions about the cat issue, I’ve never had a cat.

As far as flaming you, I will not. I think it’s very important that we learn how to be honest with ourselves if we are going to sort through our issues. That means not shying away from thoughts about people we love, just because those thoughts aren’t what we consider nice. I think we should consider those thoughts too, and try to determine if they are valid. Even though we tend to only want to see our loved ones in a positive light, the truth is that everybody has flaws. I don’t think you have to do anything with those realizations right away. The important thing Imo, is that you’ve acknowledged to yourself that that’s what you think, or have come to realize that that is part of your struggle.

If you needed a break from the house stuff, so be it. You HAVE to take care of you, and that probably seemed like the safest place to let some things go. And that is okay. If you just keep going and going and going until your cup is empty, what will you have to pour into your girls and your husband? Nothing, that’s what.

[finnime]

Quick post. For cat pee smell that was so terrible when we bought this house that tears would come to my eyes in the basement, I followed these instructions: eliminating cat pee ordor after trying everything else. This worked like crazy.

FOr having 2 cats, give each cat their own space near you with their own toys etc. This worked for DD with 3 cats. The other 2 were then not needing to claim space by peeing away from the dominant one.

About DH's that don't grow up: I know what you mean.

More later.

[TheOtherMe]

I would take him to the vet to see if he has a UTI.  

Not the cat who peed.  It was the third cat of the triangle.  

Probably should have confined that cat but in the house where she did the most damage every room except for kitchen and bathrooms was carpeted, so that wouldn't have helped my situation. 

finnime's link is only for concrete.

I would look at Jackson Galaxy's website.  He has some great ideas.

[msventoux]

Do you have enough litter boxes for the number of cats?  When I had two cats that were litter mates I had one cat box. When I brought in two sisters that were littermates I added another litter box. It wasn’t enough, there were accidents happening all over the place. That diminished when I added a third litter box and stopped entirely when I added a fourth. Turns out the cats were territorial over their preferred litter boxes and would ambush whatever intruder tried to use the box. Whichever cat was being ambushed got tired of it and would find some other inappropriate place to go. 

[azucena]

We have 4 including a newish automatic sift that they all 3 seem to use. One upstairs and 3 in the basement. He might be a lazy male and need a second one upstairs. No great place to put it but worth a try.

[TheOtherMe]

Yes, he could be lazy and need another box.  

Where is his favorite place to mark?  Floor, walls?  

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I had a long talk with my dad on Saturday.  I was out there working and we were jesting a bit about the phone thing.  I said that Bingo is useless unless he fell down the well with a pocket full of MilkBones Bingo is going to be no use in finding out where he is.

He pointed out he is 64 years old he doesn't have to tell me where he is going all the time.  I said I agree and in normal circumstances I wouldn't have.  Bob got me paranoid and I didn't want to be wrong again.  Then I started crying.

He said he gets it and I wasn't "wrong" about mom.  None of us knew.   That doesn't stop the guilt though that rears it's head sometimes.   Every fiber in my being that Wednesday night was telling me something was very wrong and I should make mom go to the ER.   I talked myself out of it because my mom is an adult and good luck forcing her to go to the ER.   I thought it was COVID and planned on talking to my dad about forcing her hand to get tested.

I was wrong and two weeks later she was gone.   Would making her go on Wednesday have made any difference?  IDK.  But at least I would have said something to her, at least I would have tried.

He feels the same way.  I said I also still get haunted by my mom being convinced I was conspiring against her.  I know that was ICU delirium and not her talking but I can't unhear it.  That was my last interaction with her.  I try to make myself focus on when she was concious and told me that she loved me and was proud of me.   But the last couple days sneak up behind it and hit me over the head.

Worst two weeks of my life.  Worst YEAR of my life.   I told DH I accept my mom is not on this Earth anymore but I struggle with HOW it happened.  I remember more than I want to admit to anyone about the last night I was at the hospital.   Too late to change that now and I don't regret it exactly but it's going to stick with me forever.  Maybe it won't come back to keep me awake at 2 am over time but it's never going to fully go away.

It will be a year on Thursday. 7:00am.  I know the time now because my dad told me.   He had a dream right at that moment where my mom asked him to come get her from the hospital.  He woke up with his keys in his hand half way out to the car.   The dream happened right before the hospital called.

[Pink Cashmere]

(((NomoreDramaQ1015)))

If he isn’t already, I hope Mister works with his therapist about his feeling regarding the circumstances that led to his Mom’s death.

He said something the other day about her Doctor, and I just really hope Mister never runs into him out and about somewhere. He changed his Dad’s PCP, and he and Brother have both been pleased with new Doctor. Mister said at least the old Doctor won’t get a chance to kill his other parent.

And I think he’s probably just stuffed it down, but a few months before she died, he expressed that he was very angry with his Dad for insisting she come home that time, instead of rehab as recommended, which she was willing to do. And then he didn’t even take basic care of her, which is why she ended up back in the hospital with that wound. Then he went to the hospital stressing her out and feeding her a bunch of junk food even though she was a diabetic, and they kept saying she needed to eat nutritious food to help the wound heal.

Mister was angry with his Dad about all of that, and how it all contributed to his Mom’s deteriorating condition, and eventually her death. I kept my mouth shut every time he talked about it, and just listened. I agreed with everything he was saying, and I do believe his Dad’s actions played a part in her inability to recover, and her death, but I don’t see think it would be helpful to say that to Mister.

He hasn’t said anything about it in a long time, but I doubt that it’s because he just got over it. I think he transferred it to the doctor, and added fuel to that fire of intense dislike of the doctor, who did drop some balls, because that was easier than staying so angry with his Dad. Idk.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

TBF my grandma died in 2006 and if I ever see her PCP that lady better watch out. 

Same for whichever doctor it was that approved my MIL for surgery during a pandemic and didn't bother to have her tested for COVID first.  I still think they should have pursued malpractice on that one.

My mom's main team of doctors I didn't mind so much they were very good.  Tensions and emotions were running high so I will admit I didn't always react politely but they were really knowledgeable and they did their best to explain things to me.  I was overall as happy as one can be in that situation with my mom's care.

The one intern that came through on a Saturday though.   I told him he better be GONE in the next five minutes because if he is within arm's reach by the time my dad comes back from the parking lot he was a dead man.  As it stood I was having to remind myself it is a federal offense to assault a doctor while on duty and that wasn't making much of a dent in my rage. 

What kind of Jackoff waltzes into your mom's room, doesn't even look at her chart or talk to the nurse, waltzes back out, announces he is the weekend doctor so therefore has no clue what is going on BUT he's going to let us know my mom has a 40% chance of survival rate.

What kind of fucking bed side manner techniques are they teaching nowadays?!

[TheOtherMe]

I will never get over the doctor giving dad the baseline testing for dementia and saying he was fine for his age and then putting dementia on the death certificate as cause of death.

I will never forgive my sister for they way I think she mishandled dad's care.  He was so dehydrated when he went to the hospital, that he had to have medical personnel in the room with him for two weeks.  That is on her.  I told her he was not buying any food and she said he wasn't eating his meals on wheels.  How did she think he was going to do with no food?

I believe that broke our relationship for the rest of our days.

[azucena]

Drama - there's almost no way that making your mom go in one day earlier would have helped. Pls try to let that guilt go.

I've either made peace with my dad's hospital death or stuffed it far enough out of reach. Time will tell but at least I tried to do the therapy work on that item.

DH and I had a nice date night on Sat seeing Impractical Jokers live. It was fun to see together as we both enjoy that show. The live version was them telling a lot behind the scenes stuff and jabbing at each other some more. We took full advantage of being kid free that night  as DD15 was on a mission trip and DD10 had a sleepover.

Meanwhile, DD15 returned home last night at 5 and was understandably exhausted. She texted midday asking to skip rehearsal the next day as she's supposed to be off book and hadn't prepped enough. We had vacation just before this trip but she still had plenty of down time including around 20 hours in the car total with DH and friends willing to help. I'd done my part reminding her about once a day that she had this deadline coming, and she'd say yeah I got it, quit nagging.

Complete meltdown in the car after pickup, "including it's my bday, why do you want me to fail on my bday." I tried not to react and said it's better to go to rehearsal (esp since she missed two while on trip) and still be on book than to miss another rehearsal. My gut said that was right but I second guess myself in light of her panic/anxiety.

Her phone died at about 1 pm so she was 4 hours in the car without it and definite withdrawal had set in. I gave her 20 mins after dinner and then took it away again for two hours while DH ran lines with her for the scenes due today. Thank goodness she seemed more confident after that session. We let her have the phone back til 930 and then attempted to send her to bed. Another blowup about trying to use the ipad for music overnight which we don't allow. She has an alexa that she told us was broken. By 10:30 there was a loud podcast that could only be coming from alexa since all the rest was accounted for. I don't like her sleeping with a podcast and it doesn't help that it ran all night. Just seems like it would hold her attn too long and also mean brain focus that music doesn't.

She woke up chipper this morning and took to playing music too loud and singing in the shower at 630. I held my tongue but will eventually need her to understand that it's not just her world.

Amidst all of that, DD10 had a huge meltdown. Can't even tell you what triggered it but she ended up locking her in her room which is a huge not allowed in our house. DH popped the lock and told her not to do that again or she will lose the door. Cue meltdown 2. She's even harder to console and I struggle with that bc it can feel like rewarding the bad behavior. God bless DD15 as she snuck into sister's room and showed her trip pics to stop the fit.

Parenting is hard!

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I asked my dad if mom was proud of me.  I was reading my baby book and got to the page about her hopes for the future.  IDK if I lived up to that or not.   While my parents are definitely not my grandparents, we are still not a very demonstrative family when it comes to those types of things.   

She said she was proud of me at the hospital but that was for that specific incident where I stood up to the nurse.

Dad said he is sure she was.

[finnime]

Huge hugs for each of you, NomoreDramaQ1015, azucena, TheOtherMe and Pink Cashmere.
((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))

[finnime]

I wish you could feel the hugs.

DH has been hugging me. DD took too many pills yesterday--not clear if it was intentional or not, because she's been totally overwhelmed by packing to move. She called an ambulance then was discharged from the ER this morning at 4:00.

I'm a sad excuse for a mother, sitting here trying to formulate a plan of action for her. After she sleeps today I think I'll suggest she have the woman I hired to help her out come tomorrow, to move boxes and help pack, then take away trash and donations. That should help.

We only have one car which is normally NP. DH will need it Thursday and we both need to be here Saturday, so Sunday I'll drive down to Maryland and stay until Tuesday, returning with a carload of boxes of her stuff. And I'll do what I can to help her get stuff given away or sold.

Will be returning the following week, first for a conference then stay for the next week to finally move her.

Cancer sucks. So does bipolar.

[azucena]

Oh Fin, I'm so sad for you, friend.

And none of my internet friends are allowed to mom shame themselves, so you take that part of your post back please.

[anciana]

How stressful that must have been for you to get that phone call, finnime! I am so sorry for your heartbreak and worry. Please, know that we can all see what a caring and loving mom you are. And your DD is wrapped up in a warm blanket of your loving words and acts. Sending many, many hugs your way

[Tennesseer]

Jul 31, 2023 14:25:17 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I asked my dad if mom was proud of me.  I was reading my baby book and got to the page about her hopes for the future.  IDK if I lived up to that or not.   While my parents are definitely not my grandparents, we are still not a very demonstrative family when it comes to those types of things.   

She said she was proud of me at the hospital but that was for that specific incident where I stood up to the nurse.

Dad said he is sure she was.

I hope you found comfort in what your dad told you.

Your post reminded me of this scene from the movie The Sixth Sense.

[Pink Cashmere]

I'm a sad excuse for a mother, sitting here trying to formulate a plan of action for her.

No ma’am! Your brain was lying to you when the first part of your sentence popped into your head.

I agree with azucena.

[finnime]

DD took too much diphenhydramine (Benadryl) and that's why she called an ambulance. Okay, I can understand that. She sounds okay today, just tired. Understandably.

[Pink Cashmere]

Aug 1, 2023 14:29:42 GMT -5 finnime said:

DD took too much diphenhydramine (Benadryl) and that's why she called an ambulance. Okay, I can understand that. She sounds okay today, just tired. Understandably.

I’m glad she was able to call an ambulance and actually did. And that she’s sounding okay today. 

[lurkyloo]

All the hugs, finnime.  That sounds like a fairly easy mistake to make.  You can certainly call or text if you need someone on the ground down here 

[raeoflyte]

Finn- huge huge hugs! I'm glad your dd is sounding better today. I know it's nearly impossible, but Give yourself the grace you give to everyone else. You love your daughter, are a great mom and are helping her through a very difficult time.

[raeoflyte]

azucena - if you're still dealing with cat pee issues I can go over what's worked for us. We've done that rodeo a lot between our cats and dsis. Let me know what surfaces you're dealing with.

Separating the cats is a good idea too. More work than if they can all free range, but "socialize/play" with basement cat is such a better chore than clean up cat pee.

[azucena]

Aug 2, 2023 9:55:59 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

azucena - if you're still dealing with cat pee issues I can go over what's worked for us. We've done that rodeo a lot between our cats and dsis. Let me know what surfaces you're dealing with.

Separating the cats is a good idea too. More work than if they can all free range, but "socialize/play" with basement cat is such a better chore than clean up cat pee.

Def appreciate any guidance.


Surfaces:
- rugs - previously removed all bath mats months ago; found that basement play area rug was a prime target so it's been trashed and floor (luxury vinyl planks) has been cleaned repeatedly
- boxes/totes - both empty and partially full
- clothes on the floor - this is hard to overcome, but my peeps are learning some natural consequences of dumping their shite on the floor
- wall/corners of a couple rooms - thoroughly cleaned all of these this weekend and have been spraying the pheromone stuff which has stopped it so far

We only have carpet in basement game room which I want to replace anyway. It got hit in one corner.

Unfortunately, our basement has an open stairwell. It's right on top of our garage entrance so closing it off would be difficult. Public areas of house are open floor plan, so we'd have to dedicate a bedroom to quarantine.

Trying the feliaway stuff in a couple outlets.

Paying more attention to just how rough the nightly fights are. No bueno. I'd been tuning them out. All 3 of them take turns starting it. Thoughts on how to break these up? Fights occur less during the day.

[finnime]

Thank you all SO MUCH for your support. I feel it.

There's been a change of plans for me. I'm going down to Maryland next Wednesday in a rental car, loading it up on Thursday, then taking DD on Friday to a medical procedure for which she needs anesthesia. Then I'll bring her home and drive the 8 hours back here to load up our car for a photography show/booth on Saturday morning. More than slighly nuts, but this was preying on DD's mind. She'd already rescheduled 3 times.

The weeks after that promise to be completely out of control. But, we will get DD moved up here to stay with us. Plus her 3 cats, to which DH is allergic, so they'll live in the basement for the duration.

I need to fit organizing and cleaning up the basement in there, too, before moving DD, so before my conference.

[raeoflyte]

Aug 2, 2023 10:34:04 GMT -5 azucena said:

Aug 2, 2023 9:55:59 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

azucena - if you're still dealing with cat pee issues I can go over what's worked for us. We've done that rodeo a lot between our cats and dsis. Let me know what surfaces you're dealing with.

Separating the cats is a good idea too. More work than if they can all free range, but "socialize/play" with basement cat is such a better chore than clean up cat pee.

Def appreciate any guidance.


Surfaces:
- rugs - previously removed all bath mats months ago; found that basement play area rug was a prime target so it's been trashed and floor (luxury vinyl planks) has been cleaned repeatedly
- boxes/totes - both empty and partially full
- clothes on the floor - this is hard to overcome, but my peeps are learning some natural consequences of dumping their shite on the floor
- wall/corners of a couple rooms - thoroughly cleaned all of these this weekend and have been spraying the pheromone stuff which has stopped it so far

We only have carpet in basement game room which I want to replace anyway. It got hit in one corner.

Unfortunately, our basement has an open stairwell. It's right on top of our garage entrance so closing it off would be difficult. Public areas of house are open floor plan, so we'd have to dedicate a bedroom to quarantine.

Trying the feliaway stuff in a couple outlets.

Paying more attention to just how rough the nightly fights are. No bueno. I'd been tuning them out. All 3 of them take turns starting it. Thoughts on how to break these up? Fights occur less during the day.

Let's start with the assumption that nothing is trapped in/under the vinyl. That would be worst case scenario and definitely something to leave till the end.

Plastic boxes/totes I'd probably toss. You could also soak with enzyme cleaner and put out to dry in the sun. But plastic is tricky. If I felt like there is any hint of odor or if the cats go back to them after cleaning definitely toss.

I'd let people figure out the clothes on floor issue. You can order rlr (used to strip cloth diapers of ammonia smell) from Amazon. But some cats will always pee on loose fabric that is left out so prevention may be the only solution.

If the walls still seem like a problem paint with killz. And then rematch with regular paint. Near floors and corners aren't likely to be too noticeable, and everything is more manageable when it doesn't smell like cat pee.

If you're not already, always clean cat pee with the enzyme cleaners like nature's miracle.

Carpet in the game room probably comes up sooner than later. Soak the area with enzyme cleaner though. Depending on how much damage was done you may need to replace a section of subfloor, but hopefully not.

Let me talk to dsis more on the cat fights. Feliway is a good start. Squirt bottle if you need to actively get them to disengage. I'd consider separating them into bedrooms before fighting usually breaks out in the evenings for a while.

Do they free feed? How many food bowls?

[azucena]

Cleaning with enzymes. Pass my and DD15's smell test which I know isn't the same as a cat's but it's a start.

3 feed bowls on auto timers at 5 am and 5 pm. all confined to bar area which may be a proximity issue but there are never any fights at food time. Still wouldn't hurt to separate further. Never occurred to me since they don't fight during meals. Will do so after work.

Game room can and has been closed off. Will be good enough for the time being.

Miles is a big boned tom cat who may eat more than his share but isn't fat per se. Ozzie has always been thin and lanky. He doesn't seem hungry outside of meal time. Rory is my middle of the road gal. They head towards food within 15 mins of time but never whine much except for daylight savings.

Could totally get DD11 to take Miles into her room at 730 for bedtime reading and close the door. Need to push closer to school routine anyway as it starts 8/15. Could open it as we go to bed around 10. That would take care of the worst of the fight time.

[finnime]

I told DD to call me a couple of times every day, hoping it will keep the tsunami of anxiety in her at bay. I think it's helping. When she calls she brightens up as she talks.

[azucena]

Finn - you're a great mom.

Guess our job as mothers never ends, but I wouldn't want it any other way.

[TheOtherMe]

My mother mothered us until her final days.