Battling Depression

[TheOtherMe]

May 16, 2023 13:55:11 GMT -5 empress of self-improvement said:

My group unexpectedly lost a kitten last night due to failure to thrive. I am really considering a bottle of wine after work.
Oh, plus tomorrow would have been my 20th wedding anniversary so I'm not feeling overjoyed with life right now.

No wine please.  It will not help the situation.  

[finnime]

I'm sorry, empress of self-improvement. About the kitten and about your 20th. Does chocolate appeal at all as a soother? Ice cream? Peanuts? Not wine or anything else down that path.

Thinking of you.

[Opti]

May 16, 2023 13:55:11 GMT -5 empress of self-improvement said:

My group unexpectedly lost a kitten last night due to failure to thrive. I am really considering a bottle of wine after work.
Oh, plus tomorrow would have been my 20th wedding anniversary so I'm not feeling overjoyed with life right now.

Sorry. You like salty stuff right? Have one or more things you love to eat to feel better. And maybe for the future you can start creating a collage of all those kittens and cats you did help. The ones that you helped move onto forever homes.

Animal losses always suck, but sometimes it is not up to us whether they get saved or not. Maybe bring out your skull collection and have a pretend seance(sp?) or two? 

I hope you can remember some good times you had with hubby and be open to a future where maybe you meet someone as good or better. 

[toomuchreality]

May 16, 2023 13:55:11 GMT -5 empress of self-improvement said:

My group unexpectedly lost a kitten last night due to failure to thrive. I am really considering a bottle of wine after work.
Oh, plus tomorrow would have been my 20th wedding anniversary so I'm not feeling overjoyed with life right now.

Dang it. I'm sorry.

[daisylu]

May 16, 2023 13:55:11 GMT -5 empress of self-improvement said:

My group unexpectedly lost a kitten last night due to failure to thrive. I am really considering a bottle of wine after work.
Oh, plus tomorrow would have been my 20th wedding anniversary so I'm not feeling overjoyed with life right now.

Please don't. It will only make things worse - that's what I am telling myself this difficult week.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Not doing well.

Dad had a fit over Bingo being a naughty puppy and threatened to get rid of him.

Which sent me into a massive meltdown because I've apparently developed a strong attachment.

That in turn lead to me confessing I don't like the idea of him going to Colorado with L.

I said I thought I was all right and part of me is but Colorado is so tied to my mom this is something I'm struggling with.

I said I feel like everything is a mess since she died.

He isn't getting rid of Bingo. He let his temper loos and acted impulsively. He was properly shamed and said he shouldn't have said that to me.

I told DH mom chose to marry dad and all his faults. I was born I didn't get to choose either of them.

While I love them both it's not fair to expect me to step into the role of shouldering those things. Mom did it just as much with her depression.

My next therapy session should be interesting.

[toomuchreality]

I talked to my dr about my depression yesterday. She said she would give me a referral to a therapist, at her clinic (she's the director).
I got a call today from the department that handles therapy appointments. They are not currently taking new clients, so my name was added to their waiting list. Great. (Sarcasm)
I guess that's a step in the right direction. But it's a very small step.
My dr also wrote me a prescription for an antidepressant, to try. Hopefully, it will help and I won't have a bunch of side effects.
My blood test results didn't come back great. Problems in 3 areas.
I'm going to do another 30 day heart monitoring test. Hopefully, it will give them a clue about the issues I've been having with my heart.
Getting old sucks. But then I didn't love growing up, either.

So it goes.



I hope your day(s) improve, everyone.

[Pink Cashmere]

May 17, 2023 21:10:50 GMT -5 toomuchreality said:

I talked to my dr about my depression yesterday. She said she would give me a referral to a therapist, at her clinic (she's the director).
I got a call today from the department that handles therapy appointments. They are not currently taking new clients, so my name was added to their waiting list. Great. (Sarcasm)
I guess that's a step in the right direction. But it's a very small step.
My dr also wrote me a prescription for an antidepressant, to try. Hopefully, it will help and I won't have a bunch of side effects.
My blood test results didn't come back great. Problems in 3 areas.
I'm going to do another 30 day heart monitoring test. Hopefully, it will give them a clue about the issues I've been having with my heart.
Getting old sucks. But then I didn't love growing up, either.

So it goes.



I hope your day(s) improve, everyone.

I am very glad to read that you are trying to work withmedical professionals to address your current issue. 

I have had problems myself lately, trying to get the care I’ve needed from health care professionals.

In my experience, healthcare has changed in bad ways during and after COVID turned the world upside down. And we, as regular everyday kind of people are suffering and paying for it.

[toomuchreality]

May 17, 2023 22:49:22 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

May 17, 2023 21:10:50 GMT -5 toomuchreality said:

I talked to my dr about my depression yesterday. She said she would give me a referral to a therapist, at her clinic (she's the director).
I got a call today from the department that handles therapy appointments. They are not currently taking new clients, so my name was added to their waiting list. Great. (Sarcasm)
I guess that's a step in the right direction. But it's a very small step.
My dr also wrote me a prescription for an antidepressant, to try. Hopefully, it will help and I won't have a bunch of side effects.
My blood test results didn't come back great. Problems in 3 areas.
I'm going to do another 30 day heart monitoring test. Hopefully, it will give them a clue about the issues I've been having with my heart.
Getting old sucks. But then I didn't love growing up, either.

So it goes.



I hope your day(s) improve, everyone.

I am very glad to read that you are trying to work withmedical professionals to address your current issue. 

I have had problems myself lately, trying to get the care I’ve needed from health care professionals.

In my experience, healthcare has changed in bad ways during and after COVID turned the world upside down. And we, as regular everyday kind of people are suffering and paying for it.

Thank you.

I think I read that you had 2 good days in a row, without stomach issues. Woo-Hoo! I was so happy for you! And that your garden is coming along nicely. Woo-Hoo again! I'm glad you've been able to spend time with your son and that he's been so willing to help you and Mister out (he changed a tire, so Mister didn't have to, right?)

It feels so good, when someone helps, because they love and care.

I understand not wanting to take advantage of anyone. I'm that way too. But I'm happy you let him help, so he can feel good about himself and he could spend time with you. It gives a person "the warm fuzzies". 😊 Even me, who just read about it. I think you needed that now, with all you've been dealing with.

Any new news about your stomach issues?
I hope you have another good day tomorrow!

And you just keep loving Mister's dad, from afar. Having him take over your home, is not helpful, because he really does take over. He just doesn't admit it and he doesn't want the responsibility that goes along with taking over.

Good luck with your planting!

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I'm not entirely convinced health care changed.  I am more inclined to believe that COVID finally ripped the curtain back and sped up the process of implosion.

I mean they've been talking for example about nursing shortages since I was in college.  Yet in order to make their profit margins look better all the hospitals around here decided to have large on call pools of nurses rather than hiring full time workers.  They expect you to have your full BSN or even MSN before hiring, they won't hire RNs and allow work towards BSN.

Meanwhile the nursing colleges only accept 10-20 patients per incoming class.  You're $80k in debt by the time you get your BSN but the hospital hires you for on call with no regular hours.  It shouldn't be shocking people look at the ROI and chose another career.

That system is finally catching up to them.   It is absolutely awful that patients have to pay the price for it. 

It's happening in daycare and nursing home care too.  Systems that never should have been set up for profit and shareholder benefits like they are.  I am not against businesses making money per se but when people can't get medical service, are facing homelessness and can't find care for their kids capitalism has gone too far IMO.

[TheOtherMe]

I'm with you Drama.  During Covid one of my providers quit when the services she provided were not considered non essential and she could no longer make enough money to pay her bills.  She got totally out of health care.  

My niece is still pulling extra shifts because of all the providers who quit and she's getting burned out quickly. As people quit or got got burned out, my niece was working extremely long hours without proper PPE.  

Rural hospitals are closing in Iowa and I'm sure other states.  With what our governor has done, more will close.

My gastroenterologist gave the practice 5 years notice that he was retiring.  He did stay longer during Covid but he is gone now.  There is no replacement.  They work you in with a doctor at the other hospital.

[finnime]

 and  , NomoreDramaQ1015 and toomuchreality.

I am very glad you're looking at getting clinical help, or are already getting it. And I agree, the system is in deep disrepair. I am very grateful for getting the help I've needed these past years, and afraid of what would happen if that ends.

[TheOtherMe]

Medical care is one of the many reasons I have not moved to a larger city in Iowa.  

In the town where my parents lived, more and more procedures are being done in Des Moines.  Why have a hospital without specialists.  I know there are not enough specialists in this state and they certainly don't end up in small towns.

[finnime]

I'm secretly stressing out. DD will be getting a slap in the face from reality today, I'm afraid. Her magical thinking will not sustain. And there is nothing I can do.

[toomuchreality]

May 20, 2023 10:46:54 GMT -5 finnime said:

I'm secretly stressing out. DD will be getting a slap in the face from reality today, I'm afraid. Her magical thinking will not sustain. And there is nothing I can do.

Maybe it's good that you can't change that for her. She'll figure out what she really needs to do. But I agree. Watching your child go through this, is not easy. Good luck!

[azucena]

Fin - hope the cruise allowed for a total reset.

Dd10s anxiety is much lower since school ended. Tried to send her to vbs the second week after and it just didn't work. Too many of the same peer dynamics.

Therapist wanted her to do an exercise where we asked friends and family what they like about her. Trying to reset the negative head talk. Well she had the biggest meltdown, fetal position and all. Just kept saying no, no, no. Couldn't articulate anything else. Even when therapist said I could ask and only ask dh and dd14. Let it go for a couple weeks but I think I'm going to go ahead and write my own list and ask them to do the same.

Dd14 doesn't seem to be able to come down from the adrenaline and stress of finals. Scares me that it feels a little manic. She won't listen about putting the phone down and focusing on healthy things like getting outdoors, crafting, reading, walking etc. What do I know?

Doesn't help that she's in summer pe and health. Trying to make room in her regular schedule for choir and theater classes every semester. Pe seems like it will be okay. She didn't realize how condensed the work would be for health since it's a 5 week class. She had youth group rummage sale work days twice this week and then an all day emt training where drama club played the victims. Last night she called wailing about everything due at midnight. Well it was 630 and I was coaching dd10 softball. Couldn't get a hold of dh even though he was home. They must have had a fight before he called me. Got home at 745 and she was staring blankly at laptop. Took me forever to calm her down and just focus on one slide at a time. Ironic that it was a unit on healthy choices including a bunch of stuff about personal wellness including stress management. Had to do some busy work and write 4 one pagers and make a 10 slide deck among some assessments. I overstepped and helped with the deck bc it had to be color coded and have a certain amount of clip art.

Didn't help that we had theater tickets. Fortunately it was for a show that we weren't excited about. And rather than stress myself and try to find someone to take them last minute, I just tore them up and moved on. That's progress in my own mental health journey - giving myself grace to let things go.

Hit the last few pages of the reading and realized there was a group project and she had to pick a topic to summarize. Got stuck with arson as the last person. Weird bc arson didn't seem as health related as truancy and lying etc but we made it work.

Hit submit at 11:40. I'm wiped today and she has to babysit 9 to 1.

Will wait til tomorrow to sit down and talk thru how to schedule time for the rest of this class.

[TheOtherMe]

azucena I think you are doing the best you can with your daughters.  

Yes, summer classes are greatly condensed to get all of the semester in during a short time period.  

I see so much of a younger me in your daughters, except I didn't think I needed 100 on every test.  I was able to turn school off during the summer.  I read by the time I was the age of your daughters.  That and taking the bus downtown with my BFF so we could listen to the latest new 45 in the booth before we bought them.  Of course, when we got home we had to listen to our new records.

[NoNamePerson]

Jun 17, 2023 9:35:16 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

azucena I think you are doing the best you can with your daughters.  

Yes, summer classes are greatly condensed to get all of the semester in during a short time period.  

I see so much of a younger me in your daughters, except I didn't think I needed 100 on every test.  I was able to turn school off during the summer.  I read by the time I was the age of your daughters.  That and taking the bus downtown with my BFF so we could listen to the latest new 45 in the booth before we bought them.  Of course, when we got home we had to listen to our new records.

OT but when I saw this it reminded me of a time when I mentioned this on FB and someone literally call me a liar about the booths. I went to google images and found pictures and posted them. Thing is this person wasn't that much younger than me so I figured they didn't get out much as a kid

And that aside I wish I could make things better for all but not possible.   It's a hard road but not impossible so hang in as best as you can.   

[TheOtherMe]

My BFF and I would stay in those booths listening to records we knew we couldn't afford to buy until they kicked us out.

[finnime]

Thank you, azucena. The cruise did provide a total reset and relaxation.

I helped DS out a couple of times when he was in high school, just doing stuff like typing while he dictated once, and cutting out pictures for a collage. It helped him ease off and away from that cliff. You are a very good mother.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I've been writing in my journal and it helps.  I tried A LOT of different journals with various prompts but none of them worked I stopped using them after a while.   I decided to take time to think about what was  important to me in regards to the overwhelming urge I feel to do right by everyone as my therapist suggested.   I ended up making a journal of several of the women in my life that are part of my compulsion.

I started writing about my mom the other day and it's freaking hard.  I take breaks like the therapist suggested.

It has been nice to unlock some core memories I haven't thought of in years.  Like my maternal grandparents used to sometimes take me to Shoney's for breakfast on Sundays.  I remembered my great grandma giving me pieces of her jewelry when I was little.  I think she would be happy that I decided to keep a lot of her pieces after cleaning out the house.  

It's helped me sort out some of my feelings about grandma too.

I can eventually share it with the girls.  They might not be interested in it now but I think it's important to at least have some recollection of the women that came before us and have it documented in some fashion so they aren't totally forgotten.

[finnime]

I like that, NomoreDramaQ1015, a journal of a family of women. 

[azucena]

Sat in on part of DD14s therapy. Asked her beforehand and said I wanted to make sure she got to the point with the therapist about how hard the past few weeks have been. Therapist asked some pointed questions and DD asked for a diagnosis. Therapist is thinking panic disorder. Need to read up on that when I'm in the right headspace.

DD has been texting a graduated senior boy a lot the past few weeks. He does seem to be a good sounding board. He's been over with groups and came over yesterday to hang out and watch movies. I like him and have asked if she has feelings for him. She says no, but I worry she's getting attached before he goes off to college in another state.

Journaling is something the girls and I should each do. Not sure how to get their buy-in.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

There is a whole series of journals targeted to teens/tweens called Burn After Reading.  It gives prompts for writing and the understanding is after you pour it all out you'll burn the book.

I like the concept because after everything with mom I worry about people finding what I wrote after I got and not having context.   That might appeal to an anxious 14 year old.

Then when you are done with the journals do a fire cleansing where you burn the books.  You're letting go of everything you wrote down and sending it into the ether.

[azucena]

DD10 also had therapy yesterday. Her assignment is to make a worry box, to write them down, and then to bring them to next appt so they can work through the pile and reframe them.

[finnime]

I like the idea of Burn After Reading. It also gives you permission to let go. Sometimes after you've written something it takes on too much importance. You need a way to purge it.

[azucena]

Started to write this yesterday and chickened out. The older than 30 days proboards notice didn't help but we're close enough that I'm going to share and bump this thread to keep it active for those of us who need it.

I've been in a weird place for the last six months or so. Not fully depressed, or at least not typical depression for me. At first I thought I was doing better at self care by not trying to be everything to everybody and taking care of everything. Now, I dunno, maybe I've just become lazy. Or maybe it's burnout from doing everything. What's ironic is that this coincides with DH picking up more of the house and family stuff based on our therapy conversations. But, he's clearly noticing that I'm working all day and then hitting the bed to read or watch tv most every evening. Then, he starts to be a little huffy while he's making dinner etc. This leads to me being stubborn and thinking, well, how does it feel to hold down the fort all by yourself, huh?

Emotionally, I'm wrung out from trying to help both girls process their anxiety along with my own. I do my own therapy every week and attend part of DD10s every other week this summer (a step back from every week during the school yr which we'll likely go back as school starts). DD14s official diagnosis is panic disorder that she does a good job disguising. Frankly, I'm learning more from bark text monitoring than I knew before. It's a lot to process. She is doing biweekly therapy on her own but I join when I sense she needs help bringing up a topic.

My eating is crap - either not much at all, junky stuff, etc. Trying to give myself grace to continue food pickup if it means I'll eat something/better. My weight keeps creeping up; doesn't help that I just want to sleep all the hours and am rarely physically active. Can't even get motivated to go to the grocery store or do grocery pickup esp when it's 100 degrees. Means DH has taken to stopping at the store and spending $50-60 for one meal of exactly what he wants to make. At that rate, might as well do takeout.

I can sleep 12 hours a day and still feel completely zonked. Figure this is stress, burnout, and lack of physical activity to increase energy.

My laziness has extended to not even caring that one (or more) of our cats has started marking in our house. So, so disgusting. At first I thought it was about litter boxes being less than clean, which has always been DHs job. He's mad about the peeing, so he's been way on top of it the last couple of months. Now, I think it's a cat acting out from anxiety (just realized the irony of that) bc the 3 cats fight more than they should. The third cat that we added during covid is the aggressor and will take up guarding parts of the hallway or bedroom doors. He's DD10 baby though and gives her so much comfort. DH will get angry and talk about giving one of them away to make it stop but that makes DD spiral so finally got him to understand that it's not an option like ever. Meanwhile, he legit can't smell so can't totally help control/clean up the problem. I decided to stop ignoring this and am working on it this week. Cleaning up spots, taking a turn at litter boxes, using new pheromone spray, and today ordered calming chews. Open to suggestions as this is a mess. 

Realized that at least work is slow right now, and I'm doing a better job of tuning out the idiots including my boss. We're in a constant state of change at our company - personnel, work projects, leadership, etc and we're losing our great people first culture. I'm trying to keep my head down and do the work that I know will make the company money and tune out all the rest - random internal requests bc some new boss asked someone something unworthwhile, people not doing their jobs, work politics, etc.

Disillusioned with my church due to covid and politics which means it isn't nearly the source of comfort it once was for me. DD10s problems at the school haven't helped. This school year has to be better. Her teacher is a good friend of mine which is huge but seems to downplay anxiety which could be an issue. Will have a back to school mtg in a couple weeks where we can talk with DD.

Plus still working on my marriage. Had an intense therapy session yesterday where DH talked about some key things. We're both committed but have been stuck in unhealthy patterns that are starting to slowly turnaround. Wish he would do his own therapy work but tired of scheduling it for him. I've been working on myself and my high standards for a long time and am making progress, but DH is still walking on egg shells and second guessing himself. I hate that I caused some of that but also just wish he would grow up. 

And here's where I put on my flame suit for not very nice thinking, I told my therapist a couple of weeks ago that I realized that part of my struggle with DH is that he just isn't very smart and wasn't raised very well in a lot of ways. It's completely naïve of me to take 25+ yrs to realize these things. In some ways, this has helped me to see him in a new light both positive and negative and in other ways, I'm just not at all sure what to do with these realizations. It's no wonder he can't live up to my impossible, perfectionist standards. I mean, no one can, not even me, but he's limited.

I do love him. Despite everything, we've built a good foundation and have survived some really tough times. We are raising two amazing young women and have achieved financial things beyond our wildest dreams.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

And here's where I put on my flame suit for not very nice thinking, I told my therapist a couple of weeks ago that I realized that part of my struggle with DH is that he just isn't very smart and wasn't raised very well in a lot of ways. It's completely naïve of me to take 25+ yrs to realize these things. In some ways, this has helped me to see him in a new light both positive and negative and in other ways, I'm just not at all sure what to do with these realizations.

No flaming here.  I said something similar to my therapist.  I said DH is a spoiled rotten brat who was never held accountable in his life and now somehow I've become his mother.  And while we have slowly made progress for F*cks sake he is 10 years older than me!   He is where I was in my mid-20s. 

Sometimes I hate him, not going to lie.  It is insane that I have to teach a 50 year old man there are consequences for his actions.   There are days when I really hate his parents too for not raising him better.

And I don't want to give him credit for progress because again he's 50 years old.  I should be praising the kids for stuff like that not a 50 year old man.  Then he gets huffy with me.

I love DH very much and the idea of divorcing him pains me but this is not exactly how I thought getting married would go. 

[TheOtherMe]

On the cat situation, the only time I had three cats, one of the original cats was very aggressive and would beat up the cute little kitten.  The cute kitten was not bonded to either of the other two cats for the rest of her days.

The aggressive cat started marking and I never got her to stop.  When I moved to a brand new house, I caught her in the act.  Took her to the Humane Society right then.  Before then I couldn't figure out which cat was doing the marking.  I was not having her mark my brand new house. 

Sadly the other two cats never bonded.  After the oldest cat was gone, I let the 3rd cat be an only cat.  She loved being a lap cat and not having to watch for the other cat to attack her.  

I also brought in a cat behaviorist.  She told me to give the cat who was getting attacked a safe space with her own litter box.  So she got a room to herself.  

I'm not sure it's possible to get the smell out unless you get to the subfloor.  The cat who was doing the marking, was doing it where the stairs had a landing as they turned to go upstairs.  Changing the subflooring and putting in new carpet from the scraps the builder had left cleaned it up and my house no longer smelled like cat pee.  Got lucky in there was one large piece of carpet so it fit in the area and didn't look like it was scrap pieces.  

[azucena]

Jul 28, 2023 10:36:04 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

On the cat situation, the only time I had three cats, one of the original cats was very aggressive and would beat up the cute little kitten.  The cute kitten was not bonded to either of the other two cats for the rest of her days.

The aggressive cat started marking and I never got her to stop.  When I moved to a brand new house, I caught her in the act.  Took her to the Humane Society right then.  Before then I couldn't figure out which cat was doing the marking.  I was not having her mark my brand new house. 

Sadly the other two cats never bonded.  After the oldest cat was gone, I let the 3rd cat be an only cat.  She loved being a lap cat and not having to watch for the other cat to attack her.  

I also brought in a cat behaviorist.  She told me to give the cat who was getting attacked a safe space with her own litter box.  So she got a room to herself.  

I'm not sure it's possible to get the smell out unless you get to the subfloor.  The cat who was doing the marking, was doing it where the stairs had a landing as they turned to go upstairs.  Changing the subflooring and putting in new carpet from the scraps the builder had left cleaned it up and my house no longer smelled like cat pee.  Got lucky in there was one large piece of carpet so it fit in the area and didn't look like it was scrap pieces.  

Pretty sure it's Ozzie who isn't bonded to any of us people in particular, but both girls would be crushed if we gave him away and that's so not what they need right now.

Wondering if I need to rule out urinary tract infection too.

Was thinking about confining him to his own room. Was your cat in that one room only all the time?