Battling Depression

[Pink Cashmere]

I think I am slowly beginning to feel more like “me”. I still have a way to go, but it’s started to matter again that my house be clean and not messy, and I have been taking showers everyday. It’s embarrassing to admit that I have not been showering regularly, and I’m only willing to admit it here, in hopes that it might help someone reading here, to know they aren’t alone in what they are going through.

Idk if I’m starting to feel better because of the Zoloft, or because it’s finally warm enough for me to be outside in the sunshine, or because I found something productive to do and focus my attention on (trying to grow vegetables) or a combination of all of that. I’ve also not been having the constant stomach issues as often or as bad for a few days, so that might be part of me feeling better mentally too. That part might be a chicken and egg type thing, since all the tests I’ve had done for my stomach issues have never shown anything wrong with my insides, idk.

Whatever the reasons or combination of reasons, I am very grateful for starting to feel like my old “soldier” self again. Not 100%, but I’m getting there.

[azucena]

Good to hear a positive update pink. Probably some combination of all the things you listed.

Just had my teletherapy and cried almost the whole hour thru. Probably exactly what I needed to do.

Therapy last week with DH was tough. We agreed to try a clean slate. Completely difficult to actually do though. Dreading mothers day this weekend. Should have gone out of town with a friend like last yr. Got top much flack for it but should have done it anyway.

[Pink Cashmere]

May 11, 2023 17:01:36 GMT -5 azucena said:

Good to hear a positive update pink. Probably some combination of all the things you listed.

Just had my teletherapy and cried almost the whole hour thru. Probably exactly what I needed to do.

Therapy last week with DH was tough. We agreed to try a clean slate. Completely difficult to actually do though. Dreading mothers day this weekend. Should have gone out of town with a friend like last yr. Got top much flack for it but should have done it anyway.

Imo, crying can be a good thing and therapeutic, even though I don’t like to cry, and when I do, I try to hide it from my people.

Just keep on pushing, in whatever way you think is best. And I will be right here, cheering you on while you do whatever you feel is necessary for you to live your best life. 

[TheOtherMe]

Another one who is dreading Mother's Day

[finnime]

I'm very glad to see you're on increasingly solid ground, Pink Cashmere. IME antidepressants don't make you happy; they return you to yourself.

And azucena, I understand. You have a demanding job and a rapidly growing up family to love and manage, and it's extremely hard to juggle it all, all the time.

Me, I'm doing pretty well considering. My own mother died 20 years ago this June. My father died 10 years before that, on Father's Day. Plus the late spring early summer weather trigger in me a weird form of SAD. But this year I'm immersed in planning for the cruise we're taking. Leaving May 24 for almost 3 weeks. DH is really excited and so am I.

I've been working on reframing my thoughts so I don't go down the dark paths in my mind. Part of this is a form of meditation, staying in the present. It's challenging but helpful.

[toomuchreality]

Depression has been taking over my life again. I've never liked Mother's day but this year I'm REALLY hating it. I'm seriously considering being sick on Sunday. I think I have a headache/migraine coming on today. And my stomach might not feel well later, also.

How sad, to not want to see, or even talk to your kids on Mother's day. Or any day, anytime soon.

Come to think of it, I can't think of anyone I want to see, or talk to. I can't think of anything I want to do, except be left alone. Perhaps step in front of a train. (No. I won't do this.)

I really hate pretending things are fine. Faking it. And I hate feeling like I have no control of even getting my medications, I've taken for years, to get me through the day.

It's not my best day. Hopefully seeing my GP this week will help. I don't think I can continue feeling this way, very long. Something needs to improve. Soon.

[CCL]

 TheOtherMe & toomuchreality

[finnime]

toomuchreality, your post concerns me. Do you have an appointment scheduled soon with a psychiatrist? Because I don't think you need to feel this way.

[daisylu]

May 12, 2023 5:32:42 GMT -5 toomuchreality said:

Depression has been taking over my life again. I've never liked Mother's day but this year I'm REALLY hating it. I'm seriously considering being sick on Sunday. I think I have a headache/migraine coming on today. And my stomach might not feel well later, also.

How sad, to not want to see, or even talk to your kids on Mother's day. Or any day, anytime soon.

Come to think of it, I can't think of anyone I want to see, or talk to. I can't think of anything I want to do, except be left alone. Perhaps step in front of a train. (No. I won't do this.)

I really hate pretending things are fine. Faking it. And I hate feeling like I have no control of even getting my medications, I've taken for years, to get me through the day.

It's not my best day. Hopefully seeing my GP this week will help. I don't think I can continue feeling this way, very long. Something needs to improve. Soon.

This is very worrisome. I am often on the fence with this as DD and I have different issues. I say if you want to be alone be alone, but being alone exacerbates DD's issues. I hope your doc can help. Please continue to check in so that we know you are ok. 

[daisylu]

May 11, 2023 17:01:36 GMT -5 azucena said:

Good to hear a positive update pink. Probably some combination of all the things you listed.

Just had my teletherapy and cried almost the whole hour thru. Probably exactly what I needed to do.

Therapy last week with DH was tough. We agreed to try a clean slate. Completely difficult to actually do though. Dreading mothers day this weekend. Should have gone out of town with a friend like last yr. Got top much flack for it but should have done it anyway.

IME, clean slate only works if behaviors change (which they rarely ever do). 

You can still choose to spend Mother's Day however you wish. It is a day to pamper mom, IMO, so if that means you getaway from everything and decompress it is acceptable. JMHO

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Mother's Day without your mom sure hits different. I've never made a big to do of it but it's a day that literally is about mom's.

I did a really nice Facebook post. I wanted to acknowledge them in some way. DH doesn't like making a big deal and since they were cremated there isn't a grave to visit.

So Facebook it is.

[ners]

NomoreDramaQ1015 

Since I am not a mom and my mom died on Mother's Day I am not a big fan. 

[Opti]

May 14, 2023 11:34:46 GMT -5 ners said:

NomoreDramaQ1015  

Since I am not a mom and my mom died on Mother's Day I am not a big fan. 

Ouch. Sorry to read your mom died on Mother's Day. Hard to forget that or let it go. Do you plan something for you on this day that you like?

[Opti]

May 14, 2023 10:17:33 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Mother's Day without your mom sure hits different. I've never made a big to do of it but it's a day that literally is about mom's.

I did a really nice Facebook post. I wanted to acknowledge them in some way. DH doesn't like making a big deal and since they were cremated there isn't a grave to visit.

So Facebook it is.

Your mom is gone. IMO whether she was cremated or buried is just an after the death fact. The fact your mom is gone, I think for me its about 5 years now, is the big thing. 

Maybe I'll move her avatar for the day. My mom collected cows so one of the things I got after her service was my choice of remaining stuffed cow critters. Maybe I'll give her a view of outside since it is a pretty day.

[ners]

Opti Nope just usual Sunday chores wash and grocery shopping.

[Opti]

May 14, 2023 12:58:06 GMT -5 ners said:

Opti Nope just usual Sunday chores wash and grocery shopping.

Similar. With no car and allergies etc. still not under control, I'm mostly doing regular Sunday stuff, which is laundry, swapping out Moon Shadow's fleece and apparently stress eating more stuff than I should. My one chocolate bar I got yesterday might not make it until tomorrow. I try to be better about chocolate bars ever since I read about the lead and cadmium content.

If I had a car, I think I'd take a break and shop for some annuals locally. 

[TheOtherMe]

May 14, 2023 10:17:33 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Mother's Day without your mom sure hits different. I've never made a big to do of it but it's a day that literally is about mom's.

I did a really nice Facebook post. I wanted to acknowledge them in some way. DH doesn't like making a big deal and since they were cremated there isn't a grave to visit.

So Facebook it is.

   It's hard.  I lost my mother in 2014.  She really wanted a special Mother's Day that year because we all knew it was her last.  A week later she was gone.  

[Opti]

May 14, 2023 15:34:13 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

May 14, 2023 10:17:33 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Mother's Day without your mom sure hits different. I've never made a big to do of it but it's a day that literally is about mom's.

I did a really nice Facebook post. I wanted to acknowledge them in some way. DH doesn't like making a big deal and since they were cremated there isn't a grave to visit.

So Facebook it is.

   It's hard.  I lost my mother in 2014.  She really wanted a special Mother's Day that year because we all knew it was her last.  A week later she was gone.  

  Maybe you can come up with a way to celebrate her each Mother's day? 

[busymom]

I don't know if this will help, but when I was much younger my Mom gave me this advice (and yes, my Mom is now gone too).  She always said if something happened to her, she didn't want me to curl up into a fetal position and stop living.  Mom said get out there, and live a life that would make me happy, and her proud, that she would be rooting for me from beyond.  And, Mom would always say to remember the happy times.  So, when I think of her now, I think of the earlier years, and her smile, and the way she laughed.

Hope this helps!  

[toomuchreality]

May 14, 2023 11:34:46 GMT -5 ners said:

NomoreDramaQ1015 

Since I am not a mom and my mom died on Mother's Day I am not a big fan. 

Wow. that's got to be rough.
Hugs ♡♡♡

[Opti]

May 14, 2023 20:56:05 GMT -5 busymom said:

I don't know if this will help, but when I was much younger my Mom gave me this advice (and yes, my Mom is now gone too).  She always said if something happened to her, she didn't want me to curl up into a fetal position and stop living.  Mom said get out there, and live a life that would make me happy, and her proud, that she would be rooting for me from beyond.  And, Mom would always say to remember the happy times.  So, when I think of her now, I think of the earlier years, and her smile, and the way she laughed.

Hope this helps!  

I don't think my mom gave me any good advice like that. Reality is we can not get our mom or any loved one back, so we need to deal the best we can. Sometimes when errant insects follow me, I think that maybe my mom is controlling them to watch me. She used to use that statement of "wish I had been a fly on the wall for that" when I told her about something I did not fully explain to her.

She had the long version of Alzheimers. There were at least 10 years between the diagnosis and her eventual death from it. Since it was such a long process. Many of those years, I couldn't really talk to her as her I knew growing up. I could just address what Alzheimer's had not taken out or let out for the moment or few minutes. Which was a very difficult thing. Working at the hybrid facility, only hybrid the last 7 years I was there, I saw way too many patients/residents/visitors go through a similar transition. Did not make it all that much easier, but did explain quite a few things, and allowed me to get past the outside reality I could see versus the inner reality she and others in her situation were living.

[Opti]

Currently up because my stress eating involved too much salt, so my body twitched itself painfully awake. Getting potassium in my body and addressing what I did not do for Crestie before I turned in. Since my sleep has been broken for weeks, I knew I'd be up sometime b4 5 AM so I am dealing with that too.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

We went plant shopping and I bought a columbine.   It matches the tattoo I have in honor of my mom and is a connection to Colorado.  I wanted to make a gesture without the entire day focusing on our moms being gone.

Hopefully I don't kill it.  I put it on the porch so it is in sun/part shade as the instructions detailed.  It's a native prairie plant around here so hopefully it'll do well in our weather.   

My dad is going to Colorado with his SO over Memorial Day.  I am happy he has someone to go with.  I don't want him to never go again or have to go alone for my sake.  But it was still a major punch in the gut.   I told DH it's not like I have a monopoly over the entire state but it is a place that has such deep emotional attachment for me that this is one area I am REALLY struggling not to feel betrayed.  It's like the final step in acknowledging my mom is gone. 

[TheOtherMe]

Columbine is the state flower of Colorado.  They are so beautiful.

I'm sorry you are dealing with dad and his SO going to Colorado.  So many men can not handle being alone after they lose their spouse.  

I would probably feel like you are feeling, Drama.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I don't want my dad to be alone.  Companionship is a basic human need and it is not fair to demand he live alone for the rest of his life because mom died.  He has the right to move on.  He's only 64, based on grandma alone he could live to be 88 that is a LONG time to be alone.

And I see how depressed FIL is and he's kinda starting to turn into one of those snarky mean old people because he doesn't have anything else to do but focus on his depression.  I REALLY don't want my dad turning into that.

I wouldn't have begrudged either of them moving on if they had divorced to do so because one of them died is hypocrisy on my part.

But going to Colorado together is hands down the hardest thing I am having to process.   I am expecting him to buy me at least one chocolate covered Twinkie and some truffles from the Sugar Shack.  He can buy my compliance with chocolate.

[TheOtherMe]

I understand all of that. 
 
Be glad that he has been upfront with you, knowing it is difficult for you.

My cousin who just died was not at all upfront with his 3 adult children when he started seeing someone.  He didn't tell them he was seeing someone, that it was getting serious or that he had asked her to marry him.  His kids found out when there was an engagement party for her family that none of his kids were invited to.

Let's say things have been tense at best.  At the visitation, she was on a couch by herself with her family around her.

The three kids were on the opposite side of the room.  Awkward.

She garnered a one sentence mention in the obituary.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

May 15, 2023 10:42:35 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

I understand all of that. 
 
Be glad that he has been upfront with you, knowing it is difficult for you.

My cousin who just died was not at all upfront with his 3 adult children when he started seeing someone.  He didn't tell them he was seeing someone, that it was getting serious or that he had asked her to marry him.  His kids found out when there was an engagement party for her family that none of his kids were invited to.

Let's say things have been tense at best.  At the visitation, she was on a couch by herself with her family around her.

The three kids were on the opposite side of the room.  Awkward.

She garnered a one sentence mention in the obituary.

Ouch.

He said he didn't want to keep secrets from me and Bob.   That's not fair.  It's one thing to have a right to his personal life it would be another for us to be totally blind sided seeing another woman walking out of the house or run into them on a date at Pizza King because we happened to go out at the same time.

That would not have gone over very well.

I also half joked he wasn't allowed to date anyone younger than me.   I said the youngest you are allowed to go 45 and that number will change as I age. 

[TheOtherMe]

The sister of the cousin called him about this situation and told him how badly he had screwed up.  It was too late.   The son who lives in the same town expressed his anger on FB.  Not only did you not tell any of us, but I live here and you didn't invite me?

At best, there was tolerance, but not acceptance.

[empress of self-improvement]

My group unexpectedly lost a kitten last night due to failure to thrive. I am really considering a bottle of wine after work.
Oh, plus tomorrow would have been my 20th wedding anniversary so I'm not feeling overjoyed with life right now.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

May 16, 2023 13:55:11 GMT -5 empress of self-improvement said:

My group unexpectedly lost a kitten last night due to failure to thrive. I am really considering a bottle of wine after work.
Oh, plus tomorrow would have been my 20th wedding anniversary so I'm not feeling overjoyed with life right now.

Sorry about the kitty.  Don't want to say I'm sorry it's your anniversary but I feel you.  My mom died three days before their 40th.

No alcohol for you though, it won't make things better.