Battling Depression

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Right?  

Apparently though we send out a survey every year to establish customer satisfaction and how we can do better.  Someone or several someones took the time to point out I am not "friendly" enough and since that drug our score down I needed to be talked to about it and do better from now on.

Which feels just a wee bit sexist because I am pretty sure if a guy was doing my job nobody would be commenting on how little they smile. 

Meanwhile I've had two other people I deal with regularly tell me I am a superstar, awesome and "very charming".   I need to ask them next time if they could please list that on the survery to cancel out the snowflakes.

[Pink Cashmere]

As you all know, I live in the South. Here, even when you are out and about, perfect strangers tend to at least nod their head in greeting if you make eye contact. At work, we say good morning or whatever to greet each other.

We have had plant managers and other upper managers that weren’t from the South, who immediately offended people because they did not speak or acknowledge people as they walked through the building. Most of them probably weren’t being intentionally rude, but that was how they were perceived. 

Mister IS from the South, and he doesn’t get the whole speaking thing either, or why it’s even a thing lol. As I’ve said before, he is kind of socially awkward, and does not do small talk well at all, so the last thing he wants to do is give some stranger an opening to start a conversation with him. He literally doesn’t know how to get himself out of random conversations sometimes, and if I’m with him, I can tell when he starts to get uncomfortable and I usually rescue him. He does try to have manners and social skills at work, because he is in management. His current boss thinks he is the bees knees, but first he had to learn that Mister’s tendency to be very blunt and straight to the point when he could’ve said the same thing in a “softer” way, is also how he prefers people to speak to him, and if he gives Mister room to do his job, he does it well and makes his boss’ job a whole lot easier.

One of the supervisors he works with, B, came to his Mom’s wake. We were at the end of one pew and she was sitting behind us chatting with me off and on. Somebody stopped and was talking to Mister, I think it was his Mom’s best friend. When she left, I asked Mister what did she say because it sounded like she might have been telling him something important, but I couldn’t really hear her because she had a mask on. Mister said “Idk” lol. B piped up and said “What she said was…” and told us what the lady had said. I started laughing because SHE heard everything the lady said. Then B said Mister tunes people out all the time at work when they are talking to him about something unrelated to the job that he’s not interested in, or even if they’re going on and on about something related to the job after they’ve made their point, so she has gotten in the habit of being his ears for him, since they work in the same office. I thought that was hilarious. Especially because I know she drives Mister crazy at work because SHE talks a lot.

I tease Mister by calling him Sheldon all the time.

[finnime]

Yes to all of the "must appear friendly" discussion. It's really obnoxious. I'm a strong introvert from New England and of Finnish cultural heritage. We barely make eye contact with people we know in my family! I hate, hate, hate to hear it be demanded of me to smile. I don't have a snarl on my face; that should be enough. Especially when I've got much going on, or am fighting depression or just tired or whatever. If we were men we would not hear that command, I'm certain.

[TheOtherMe]

Try working as a secretary at the IRS in the early 70's and being told you can't be a Revenue Agent because you are a woman and CPAs don't like working with women.  

Yes, I fought that and won and as soon as I was out of training, I transferred to Denver from Des Moines.  Des Moines didn't want anything to do with me.  I was shocked when I went to our first training class in Denver and there were all kinds of women who were Revenue Agents and even managers!  So that was a Des Moines thing, not a national thing.

I also am an introvert and have gotten much worse since Covid.  I have RBF and I'd prefer sitting at my desk and doing my job.  I would get written up for not being "assertive" enough.  So when day I was what I though was assertive and got written up for being aggressive.  

Can't win with male managers.

[finnime]

DH is having nightmares and DD, panic attacks about her moving up here and staying with us until she gets her own place. I'm spending hours texting and talking with her, looking up low-income apartments and reassuring DH that we'll make it work. The problem is mostly that she is diametrically opposite us in personality. She is extremely extroverted and can be loud. We are . . . not.

I'll just set some house rules for when she's here. And repeat to her there is not another option--she'd much prefer to stay where she is but she blew that up when she gave away $20k. That was catastrophic. It makes me worry for her future.

DD is also thoughtful, loveable; a shining star in many respects. But the wild card that bipolar is can undo her.

I'm very glad we're going on a cruise May 24 for 3 weeks. That will be so good for us.

I'll just keep paying DD's rent for 3 more months and hope for the best for housing for her. I don't know any other options.

[TheOtherMe]

I'm sorry finnime   Her staying with you totally changes the dynamics of your home and I would be like your DH.  

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

We started cleaning out GUs house.  Good God that is an episode of Hoarders and holy identity theft Batman.   I wonder if the home aides were smart enough to figure out the gold mine of personal information they were sitting on.   I suppose we'll never know in that regard and he's in a home on Medicaid so good luck even if they did steal it. 

The living room is completely unchanged from when I was a kid.  Grief is weird because that hit me HARD, way harder than I expected I almost had to go outside for a moment.  Great Grandma died when I was 12 but apparently that was old enough that I still remember quite a bit from having Christmas Eve over there.

I almost started crying over her jewelry box.  When I was little she used to let me go through it and pick something out to keep.   Now I have the entire box.

I made my dad cry twice. DH joked I really need to stop doing that.  Once when I found his childhood toys that he's been tearing the house up over.  The second time we found a picture from my Christening.  God mom and dad were young and the suit dad is wearing is AWFUL.  That is one hell of an ugly outdated suit.  What is with his family and the color brown?

Found out great grandma had been married twice that blew my mind.  Found a shitload more old photos that we have no clue who people are in them.   I might frame the factory one it is a cool bit of history to have hanging on the wall.

Hoping the two quilts I took did not disintegrate in the wash.  They were pretty old.  I told DH handmade quilts like this go for $500-$600 at craft shows nowadays.  A lot of time and labor went into these I want to keep them.  I need to completely unfold the one and see if it is big enough to use as comforter.

[daisylu]

DD texted asking if I still want to help her with her mental health issues and the spiral she is on. She met with new doc this week, not sure what happened. Said if I want to help her we should have a family meeting Saturday. She told me that I am not going to like what she has to say.

I am almost certain that this will be that there is no way she can move out anytime soon. She has unrealistic expectations on what she afford on her salary and is looking too big. Which I am sure will be what has been causing her issues in her mind. 

DH is not going to be happy. 

[finnime]

daisylu, I would try to see it as a negotiation. What plan can you both come up with that works, financially and every other way? She needs to be able to afford her plan, bottom line.

I see us having similar issues with DD, but she has no alternatives that are viable. We flat out cannot support her indefinitely. We can subsidize her, and will do so for as long as needed. I guess I should be grateful she was only scammed out of $20k. If she'd had more it would have been more. Aargh.

[daisylu]

I should have added that DD has been known to use her issues to avoid difficult situations and changes. She is in the "sleep my life away" phase right now, not "I might hurt myself".  We know the signs. But she has learned to be manipulative. I am going to ask if she would be ok if I join her sessions - at least until she gets settled with new doc.

I truly believe that if I just found a place for her and got her started that she would be fine. It is the overwhelmingness of it that paralyzes her, which she totally gets from me. 

Good luck with your DD, finnime.

[Pink Cashmere]

daisylu, I have a child that isn’t exactly the same as your daughter, but close enough that I understand at least somewhat, and can empathize. 

I am curious about her saying you won’t like what she has to say. It sounds like you have been supportive and tried to help her, what could she possibly have to say that she already knows you won’t like?

Imo, and I am also talking to myself with this, at some point we need to make it clear to our children that they have to take control of their own lives, even with whatever issues they may have, as long as there are no mental or physical disabilities that really do prevent them from functioning as an adult. If they have mental issues that can be successfully treated well enough for them to be self sufficient as an adult, if they fail to seek that treatment or cooperate, my logical mind says that’s on them, even though I absolutely know that it’s not quite that simple as a parent.

I have gotten a lot better with it, but I am still very aware that there is a big difference between helping and enabling, and I still struggle with it.

Anyway, I hope nothing I wrote came across as judging you or your daughter, because I’m not judging either of you. I’m just sharing that I understand how difficult it can be dealing with these things as a parent.

[daisylu]

No offense taken, Pink.

We had the talk. It is the her not moving out anytime soon that I wouldn't want to hear. As expected, it is the searching and applying overwhelming her. She asked if we could start going with her, especially when submitting applications. That is doable.

We were also clear, in that not moving out is not an option. It is time for her to start living and learning on her own. Not that we won't be here for support and advice, but the time has come for her to learn to be more independent.

I was also honest with her about feeling like sometimes she uses her issues to manipulate us. She didn't take that well, but I told her I know her issues and am happy to help where I can but I will not be played.

In the end, it went well.

[finnime]

daisylu and Pink Cashmere, I've been rereading and rereading your posts.

I must move my DD on to a strong bias for action in herself, not ducking down, overwhelmed and unable to manage. She is actually a strong person, I know this. I've got to figure out a way for her to plot her own course rather than letting everything push her. She has got to live her own life.

She does see a therapist and a psychiatrist and follow their advice, to that's good.

With this latest disaster I have told her explicitly what we can and will do for her, making clear there is no more beyond that.

I know part of her is wanting to find some place she can stay in Maryland and not have to cope with an interstate move right now. And I know that's totally unrealistic. She has right now a fixed income grossly insufficient to cover her basic costs.

I've been scouting out places near here she could stay and working with her on filling out applications that I then mail. I'm afraid to let her wait, lest an opportunity be missed.

Damn,I wish she'd come roaring back and insist on doing herself what needs to be done.

She is afraid; I get that. She's afraid of the future. I want her to plot a future for herself with some reality baked in.

She absolutely must move. And get rid of as much as she can. And, I'm certain she's not considered this, face that she will almost certainly need to give up 2 of her 3 cats. Apartments have limits. That's one. sigh

[TheOtherMe]

The best thing I did for myself is move to Boulder for grad school.  It was hard and I know my parents didn't think I could do it. The first semester, I counted down the days until I could go home and I had no plans of returning after the break.  Yes, I signed up for classes and didn't give notice on the grad student dorm.  I think I had already made a decision.

We had 6 weeks off at the semester break.  Because it was a grad student dorm with international students, it was open over the break.  After 4 weeks, I had had enough of living with my parents and returned early.  That's when I knew Boulder was home and I built a support system there.  That system lasted until I moved here in 2009.

I did live in apartments in Boulder that allowed 2 cats.  Never one that allowed 3 cats.  Could her cats be considered emotional support animals?  I have a cousin who got her cat in to a no pet complex that way.

It is important that they become functioning adults.  Parents are not going to be available forever and what happens then?

[finnime]

DD does have a letter from her psychiatrist documenting that her cats are emotional support animals. So that's a maybe it could work. We'll see.

[TheOtherMe]

It worked for my cousin at two different complexes.  Buddy passed away this winter at the ripe old age of 18.  They haven't decided if they will get another cat.

[finnime]

Thank you, TheOtherMe. That's really good to know.

[TheOtherMe]

I know how hard it would be for me to give up my cats.  I hope your daughter can use the letter to keep all three.

[Pink Cashmere]

Apr 16, 2023 8:25:40 GMT -5 finnime said:

daisylu and Pink Cashmere , I've been rereading and rereading your posts.

I must move my DD on to a strong bias for action in herself, not ducking down, overwhelmed and unable to manage. She is actually a strong person, I know this. I've got to figure out a way for her to plot her own course rather than letting everything push her. She has got to live her own life.

She does see a therapist and a psychiatrist and follow their advice, to that's good.

With this latest disaster I have told her explicitly what we can and will do for her, making clear there is no more beyond that.

I know part of her is wanting to find some place she can stay in Maryland and not have to cope with an interstate move right now. And I know that's totally unrealistic. She has right now a fixed income grossly insufficient to cover her basic costs.

I've been scouting out places near here she could stay and working with her on filling out applications that I then mail. I'm afraid to let her wait, lest an opportunity be missed.

Damn,I wish she'd come roaring back and insist on doing herself what needs to be done.

She is afraid; I get that. She's afraid of the future. I want her to plot a future for herself with some reality baked in.

She absolutely must move. And get rid of as much as she can. And, I'm certain she's not considered this, face that she will almost certainly need to give up 2 of her 3 cats. Apartments have limits. That's one. sigh

I hope something comes up soon for her to be able to move to. And that her cats being support animals help with being able to keep all 3. I can’t imagine having to decide which of my pets I’m going to give up, I’m sure that wouldn’t make her feel good if she had to do that.

I am sending good vibes for you and your daughter.

[finnime]

DH just reminded me that DD was scammed out of the money; she didn't just give it away. It's a good reminder. I need to go over with her some of the hallmarks of a scam. Including, why are they asking you for money?

[finnime]

I hope all of you that struggle with winter-onset SAD are finding some relief now with the change in seasons. 

[TheOtherMe]

Apr 17, 2023 4:15:03 GMT -5 finnime said:

I hope all of you that struggle with winter-onset SAD are finding some relief now with the change in seasons. 

Not quite yet. It snowed overnight and it looks like winter now.  

Relief is in sight.

[Opti]

Apr 16, 2023 10:16:52 GMT -5 finnime said:

DD does have a letter from her psychiatrist documenting that her cats are emotional support animals. So that's a maybe it could work. We'll see.

I have an emotional support skinny pig and a gecko. They at least care that I am alive and feed them. I would not be happy living totally alone - no animal, no man ...

Depressing myself, so I'll stop April is rough and October will be too.

[busymom]

Thankful that the sun is out today.  The snow will melt & be gone within a day or two.  That's the blessing in the month of April that even if it snows, it leaves quickly.

[azucena]

It's 50 and sunny here so that helps, but man is my anxiety working overtime. I really need to look into adding meds specific for it. It's become painfully obvious that the propanolol isn't helping enough any more. Need to reach out to my therapist to see if she works with anyone who could prescribe something for me. Worried about side effects but that's a cop out bc I'm not functioning well anyway, side effects be damned.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

The dramatic changes in weather have been messing with my head and mood.   Then it's been really overwhelming sorting through two estates and I've barely even scratched the surface.   Then there are all the feelings associated with it.  I still feel some sort of way about meeting dad's girlfriend that I am trying to continue to process.

I feel stuck half in the past and half in the future with no idea what direction to take.

While I've wrangled my ADD at work it's getting to me at home.   With everything going on last year DH's car registration didn't get renewed and he never caught it.  So he got a $125 ticket yesterday from the DNR and his registration has incurred fees so that adds up.   I forgot about a hospital bill and got myself sent to collections.

The budget has gone to hell in a handbasket in the last two months because I haven't been paying close enough attention.

The anti-depressant is working because I haven't dissolved into a puddle of despair but I am not happy.  I asked DH is this what happens when you turn 40?  You realize adulthood is a complete sham, you have no idea what you are doing and watch as it all crumbles down around you? 

[finnime]

I'm glad you're pursuing a solution to the anxiety, azucena. Keep going, you'll get there.

[geenamercile]

I am getting outside more which is nice.  The guy I am seeing and I have done some fishing trips and we worked in his yard most of Sunday which was nice. I am looking forward to my summer trips and they are getting closer.  27 school days left.  Over all I do notice a difference in my mood between my house and at his.  

[Pink Cashmere]

The EAP lady I went to yesterday, after I told her all the stuff going on with me, she asked me how I’m doing with housekeeping. Y’all know I like a clean house, but my honest answer was that my house is a mess and has been for a while. It does bug me, but not enough that I can be bothered to do anything about it and actually clean it up. The state of my laundry is such that I have to scramble to find clean clothes to wear. There is a pile of 2 loads of laundry in the laundry basket in the laundry room (I normally never leave clothes in the basket.) a load of clothes that’s been sitting in the dryer for 2 weeks, and a pile of clothes on the floor in my bedroom that needs to be washed.

My bed has smelled like dog for at least a week, and normally I am all about smell good in my bedroom and my bed. So that’s crazy too.

Then she asked me about bathing and my honest reply was that I take a shower sometimes, but not even close to my normal habit of showering at least once/day. Then I tried to fix it by saying “I brush my teeth though”, which sounds pathetic in hindsight.

Then I was like “oh shit” those are signs of depression, aren’t they. And she said yep.

Lord help me, PLEASE.

[TheOtherMe]

Pink Cashmere

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