Battling Depression

[toomuchreality]

I too, am so sorry for all your DD's troubles, finnime and that they are causing you trouble.
I hope she's able to get some money back.
Good luck! 🤞

[azucena]

My anxiety level is so high this week. Partly due to work chaos, deadlines and knowing how much work I'll come back to after our trip. Also anxious about the trip itself since we're going to Punta Cana and we're so not world travelers. Looking fwd to it but also worried about the what ifs. Also unreal to see the complete change in DD10s demeanor since her spring break is this week so no school. I knew school was the trigger and cause of her anxiety but it's also hard to reconcile just how much. And I send her there almost every day. Gotta keep advocating for her when we get back. 

[finnime]

Wishing you ease and peace, azucena.

[toomuchreality]

Mar 17, 2023 7:03:58 GMT -5 azucena said:

My anxiety level is so high this week. Partly due to work chaos, deadlines and knowing how much work I'll come back to after our trip. Also anxious about the trip itself since we're going to Punta Cana and we're so not world travelers. Looking fwd to it but also worried about the what ifs. Also unreal to see the complete change in DD10s demeanor since her spring break is this week so no school. I knew school was the trigger and cause of her anxiety but it's also hard to reconcile just how much. And I send her there almost every day. Gotta keep advocating for her when we get back. 

I hope you all are able to relax and have a good time.

[finnime]

I'm trying to decide how best to help DD. She's mired in self-recrimination and can't see a step forward. Part of me thinks I should go down there to Maryland and work with her on a plan. Another part says, no, offer what you reasonably can but have her come to her own way ahead. But, I'm not sure she's able right now. And this has some urgency; I cannot indefinitely support her. For my own sake I need to get together something actionable.

She feels so bad she's not willing or able to answer my calls. She will text back. I'm grateful for that.

She is in touch with both her psychiatrist and therapist. I can only hope she's totally honest with them.

Her birthday is in May. She'll be 37.

In 64 days I'm leaving the country for a 3-week cruise. I need to be sure she's okay while I'm gone.

She is much much better than she had been in years past.

[azucena]

Fin - trust your gut on this one and don't give a second thought to what anyone else thinks. They don't know your dd like you do.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Philosophical question for other ADHD-ers on here.

Do you struggle with accepting tools to help accommodate your ADHD?  Like checklists or people double checking your work for you?

I struggle with this on a fairly regular basis.   Right now I have a check list I was given to follow when doing paperwork and it's actually working wonders when I really lean into it so I cannot deny that it is a vaulable tool.

But there is a part of me that resists and feels embarrassed that I need a tool when other people who have done this job do not.

I know this stems from school when teachers would constantly say "I don't understand why you can't grasp this" rather than actually taking the time to explore why I wasn't grasping it.  I felt ashamed that I was clearly dumber than my peers and if I was intelligent I should be able to do this without approaching the teacher.   If it's obvious to everyone else it should be to me too.  If I want to fit in and not be regularly ashamed of myself then I need to fake it and not accept any help given that would make it stand out that I am different.

Which has backfired in my face BIG TIME on multiple occasions.  As I have gotten older I recognize that is not a healthy way to cope and now I am working with the tools that I have been given by my therapist and my workplace.  

M used to check my work at my old company.  She picked up I was dyslexic and rather than make a deal out it it simply presented it as an extra approval step.  That's one thing she did do right and I appreciated it.  

Same here the check list is invaluable and I am appreciative that they are taking the time to accommodate me and work with me rather than try to force me into a box.

But old thought patterns die hard.  So I was just curious if anyone else with ADHD feels that way.

[swamp]

Mar 22, 2023 9:31:37 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Philosophical question for other ADHD-ers on here.

Do you struggle with accepting tools to help accommodate your ADHD?  Like checklists or people double checking your work for you?

I struggle with this on a fairly regular basis.   Right now I have a check list I was given to follow when doing paperwork and it's actually working wonders when I really lean into it so I cannot deny that it is a vaulable tool.

But there is a part of me that resists and feels embarrassed that I need a tool when other people who have done this job do not.

I know this stems from school when teachers would constantly say "I don't understand why you can't grasp this" rather than actually taking the time to explore why I wasn't grasping it.  I felt ashamed that I was clearly dumber than my peers and if I was intelligent I should be able to do this without approaching the teacher.   If it's obvious to everyone else it should be to me too.  If I want to fit in and not be regularly ashamed of myself then I need to fake it and not accept any help given that would make it stand out that I am different.

Which has backfired in my face BIG TIME on multiple occasions.  As I have gotten older I recognize that is not a healthy way to cope and now I am working with the tools that I have been given by my therapist and my workplace.  

M used to check my work at my old company.  She picked up I was dyslexic and rather than make a deal out it it simply presented it as an extra approval step.  That's one thing she did do right and I appreciated it.  

Same here the check list is invaluable and I am appreciative that they are taking the time to accommodate me and work with me rather than try to force me into a box.

But old thought patterns die hard.  So I was just curious if anyone else with ADHD feels that way.

Not sure if I'm ADD but I often now rely on tools like that when I used to be able to do everything "in my head."  It used to bother me.    I thought I wasn't as smart as i used to be.  

Now I don't care.   Lots of "I don't care" comes with turning 50.   

Everyone has some type of coping mechanism, you just don't know what they are.   We're all just muddling through life at this point.  If it works, it works.  Keep doing it. 

[geenamercile]

Mar 22, 2023 9:31:37 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Philosophical question for other ADHD-ers on here.

Do you struggle with accepting tools to help accommodate your ADHD?  Like checklists or people double checking your work for you?

I struggle with this on a fairly regular basis.   Right now I have a check list I was given to follow when doing paperwork and it's actually working wonders when I really lean into it so I cannot deny that it is a vaulable tool.

But there is a part of me that resists and feels embarrassed that I need a tool when other people who have done this job do not.

I know this stems from school when teachers would constantly say "I don't understand why you can't grasp this" rather than actually taking the time to explore why I wasn't grasping it.  I felt ashamed that I was clearly dumber than my peers and if I was intelligent I should be able to do this without approaching the teacher.   If it's obvious to everyone else it should be to me too.  If I want to fit in and not be regularly ashamed of myself then I need to fake it and not accept any help given that would make it stand out that I am different.

Which has backfired in my face BIG TIME on multiple occasions.  As I have gotten older I recognize that is not a healthy way to cope and now I am working with the tools that I have been given by my therapist and my workplace.  

M used to check my work at my old company.  She picked up I was dyslexic and rather than make a deal out it it simply presented it as an extra approval step.  That's one thing she did do right and I appreciated it.  

Same here the check list is invaluable and I am appreciative that they are taking the time to accommodate me and work with me rather than try to force me into a box.

But old thought patterns die hard.  So I was just curious if anyone else with ADHD feels that way.

Nope not anymore, I think years of telling kids that using an accommodation is no different  then wearing glasses, using a wheel chair, taking blood pressure medicine or insulin, or many other examples sunk into my head as well that tools are meant to be used. 

[azucena]

Stress and age mean I rely on lists and writing stuff down when I never used to.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

So what I am hearing is that I am going to win the therapy game, is that right? 

[msventoux]

Mar 22, 2023 9:31:37 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Philosophical question for other ADHD-ers on here.

Do you struggle with accepting tools to help accommodate your ADHD?  Like checklists or people double checking your work for you?

I struggle with this on a fairly regular basis.   Right now I have a check list I was given to follow when doing paperwork and it's actually working wonders when I really lean into it so I cannot deny that it is a vaulable tool.

But there is a part of me that resists and feels embarrassed that I need a tool when other people who have done this job do not.

I know this stems from school when teachers would constantly say "I don't understand why you can't grasp this" rather than actually taking the time to explore why I wasn't grasping it.  I felt ashamed that I was clearly dumber than my peers and if I was intelligent I should be able to do this without approaching the teacher.   If it's obvious to everyone else it should be to me too.  If I want to fit in and not be regularly ashamed of myself then I need to fake it and not accept any help given that would make it stand out that I am different.

Which has backfired in my face BIG TIME on multiple occasions.  As I have gotten older I recognize that is not a healthy way to cope and now I am working with the tools that I have been given by my therapist and my workplace.  

M used to check my work at my old company.  She picked up I was dyslexic and rather than make a deal out it it simply presented it as an extra approval step.  That's one thing she did do right and I appreciated it.  

Same here the check list is invaluable and I am appreciative that they are taking the time to accommodate me and work with me rather than try to force me into a box.

But old thought patterns die hard.  So I was just curious if anyone else with ADHD feels that way.

I don’t have ADHD but I sometimes feel like my life is ruled by checklists and the cycle of reviewing other people’s work and them reviewing my work. I’m a CPA and we use checklists to varying degrees and make heavy use of self-reviewing our own work, and things are still found after stuff is sent off to be reviewed by someone else.  Each routine accounting/payroll client has a checklist in their file that details what needs done on their file for any given period and what deliverables are given to that specific client and in what format. That allows anyone accessing their file to know what needs to be done, but also more frequently serves as a reminder for staff who may be tired, distracted, etc. 

A strength those other people have that you don’t may be the ability to perform certain tasks without a checklist.  You certainly have strengths they don’t. Don’t sabotage yourself by not accepting simple tools to help make your life easier.  You have far too many other things going on.  Be kind to yourself and use any tools available to you without shame. 

[finnime]

I keep a running todo list every day of everything, from the mundane to the sublime, that I am either working on, planning, or need to keep ahead of. I also have checklists. I started doing these when I was deeply mired in depression, in part to reassure myself I wasn't totally useless but also because I kept forgetting everything. I'm grateful for my spreadsheet. No, I don't feel bad about needing it. I would feel bad about dropping things that needed to be done or attended to.

It's really stupid, but my left-handed sister has trouble with directions due to a bizarrely zealous teacher when she was learning to write. She still writes with her left hand, and quite nicely. But if you ask her to turn left she'll hesistate and about 1/3 of the time turn the wrong way. People who think others, expecially children, "should" do things a particular way cause a lot of damage.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Mar 23, 2023 6:57:51 GMT -5 finnime said:

I keep a running todo list every day of everything, from the mundane to the sublime, that I am either working on, planning, or need to keep ahead of. I also have checklists. I started doing these when I was deeply mired in depression, in part to reassure myself I wasn't totally useless but also because I kept forgetting everything. I'm grateful for my spreadsheet. No, I don't feel bad about needing it. I would feel bad about dropping things that needed to be done or attended to.

It's really stupid, but my left-handed sister has trouble with directions due to a bizarrely zealous teacher when she was learning to write. She still writes with her left hand, and quite nicely. But if you ask her to turn left she'll hesistate and about 1/3 of the time turn the wrong way. People who think others, expecially children, "should" do things a particular way cause a lot of damage.

My grandmother was ambidextrous because she was smacked with a ruler anytime she used her left hand by the nuns.

I 100% agree with this it's why I am fucked up in regards to math.  I had a lot of zealous teachers and the curriculum back them was there is only ONE way to solve a problem and if you don't do it that way it's wrong even if you come to the correct answer.

DH likes to complain about "new math" but I love it because it teaches kids there is more than one way to solve a problem.  I said of course you hate it the traditional way we were forced to learn math worked for you.  Now think about me, someone it doesn't work for and has spent her whole life being told she was wrong/stupid for not being able to do that way.   How do you think I feel?

It took me years to accept that when I am doing dilutions I need to draw the test tubes like you see in the textbook illustrations.  I used to hide it thinking I'd get fired or made fun of because it was expected back in the day you do it in your head.

And also jokes on all you assholes guess what I have sitting in my pocket every day?  A calculator!   So fuck you for not allowing us to use one in class.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I rooted through my mom's jewelry again.  DH thinks I am a glutton for punishment.  Yes it makes me sad but I was looking for specific things that have meaning to me and wouldn't have much meaning to anyone else.  I know the story behind these things and I want them to stay with me because of that so I can pass it down.   

It's funny how you have almost zero interest in that as a kid but once someone is gone that story means everything. 

I found the necklace charm that was the first gift my dad ever gave her if I am recalling correctly.  It's on my cremation charm chain right now.   Then I have a brooch that belonged to my great grandmother and a locket with her picture in it.  She is my namesake.

I told DH I feel dirty doing it because you spend your entire childhood being told to stay out of your mom's stuff.  Now I'm messing with her stuff.  It also feels like I am doing Bob dirty but I am not taking anything that would have value to him as far as I am aware and if it did I'd be happy to give it to him.

ETA: I have yet to find her wedding ring.  I'll have to attempt that when dad is finally ready to do a deep clean which he is starting to feel ready for.   I want her wedding ring to go to Gwen as the first born granddaughter she would be the fourth generation to own the diamond.

I think my dad's when it is time should go to Bob or Archie.

[wvugurl26]

I have lists for everything. They don't really bother me. I feel much calmer with things written down. If I have so many things going on in my head I'm nervous I'll forget things. And when things aren't written down I end up forgetting or double booking.

DH makes comments at times about me writing everything down. I tell him I'm glad his brain works perfectly. He is also trying to retain like maybe 20% of what I have. And some of that stuff is just because I'm female or my health issues so it's not even an inequal labor division.

I like saying they are tools. I think framing it that way could help. I know it's hard but I think you have to view it as a positive not a crutch.

[daisylu]

DD(23) is in a downward spiral. She is stressed because she has to find a new doctor for her scripts. She reached out to the EAP, who referred her to her insurance provider. It is overwhelming her, and I don't know how to help. She is spending most non-working time holed up in her room, which only makes things worse. She has never really had any friends and not much interest outside of writing.

I found a writer's luncheon on Meetup in a couple of weeks and sent her the link. Our local parks and rec also does similar things. Will have to see what they have going on.

I will have some 'splaining to do if DH ever looked at my search history. 

[TheOtherMe]

I believe my accountant's mind needs lists.  

We had lists at the IRS of steps that had to be taken.  Back in my day, we had the ability to venture off from those lists.  My understanding is they don't know.

Every CPA firm had a sheet in each clients folder of what was to be done for each item, in list form.

I make lists.  Now that I am retired, mine are more flexible than they were when I worked.  

[finnime]

I can relate, daisylu. Can you help find a few choices of doctors that take her insurance for her? She could then select from the list. It's a smaller job than doing it all.

I've pretty much decided I need to go to Maryland and spend some time with my DD, just to listen and help her through planning the next steps.

[finnime]

I've been texting with DD about going there. She isn't up for me coming, which I do understand. I thought of going anyway and staying in a hotel or with BFF, but I'm not going to. DD has to be ready to talk, and she's just not, yet.

[daisylu]

After not sleeping well Friday ands Saturday nights, I had a mini meltdown after being woken up early Sunday morning. Once something wakes me up I am up. Anyway Friday we had dinner at 5 Guys and I know I can only handle the junior burgers but I was starving and got a regular, which ended in me tossing and turning all night with meat sweats. Then Saturday night DH was up and down all night with heartburn and indigestion, and as soon as I was getting into a good sleep DD woke me up at 430 leaving for work. Ended up climbing out of bed around 6 to discover that I had no breakfast meats.

By the time DH got out of bed just before 10, I was in a tailspin. Sleep deprived, aggravated with DD for not getting her shit together, hungry, and feeling neglected put me in a bad way.

DD, like DS, was supposed to move out by the end of last year which clearly did not happen and now with her doctor and meds issues I don't want to push her and make her worse. (Found out last night that she does have an appointment this week.) But that clearly is not working for my own mental health.

Then DH gets out of bed. I knew since I wasn't cooking breakfast that he would just eat his normal sausage and cheese on an English muffin. Sausage that I cook for him monthly so that he has breakfast on work days instead of stopping and getting something less healthy. And that left me with nothing. Admittedly I am not a normal breakfast eater, so he really would have no clue that I wanted breakfast. I like sausage and bacon, gravies, biscuits, grits, and occasionally waffles and pancakes (though I have to be in the mood for them).

Anyway by the time he gets up I had myself all worked up. Told him that I had dinner planned, and he was in charge of breakfast. Though he had no way to know, he of course said the worst possible thing - that he was just going to have his usual sausage and cheese sandwich. I lost it, and wanted to know what about me. "Who worries about taking care of me?". Which isn't really fair to him, because he really does try to make my life easier at least 90% of the time.

Told him I didn't care what but he was either making me food or going to the store by the house and buying it, preferably chipped beef gravy. He said that's all you had to say and left to go get it. Which made me feel bad because he really will do almost anything I ask,I just have to ask. I felt bad that I was taking everthing out on him, not that I was asking for something for myself which is a sort of breakthrough for me.

I felt better after I ate, thanked him and apologized and explained why I was really so worked up - which he understood as he is getting aggravated with DD too. Plus he is feeling under pressure to get the flooring done in what will be my new home office faster than we had expected to needing it to be done.

I felt better by noon, but it was a rough morning. By the time we went to bed last night, I could tell DH was worrying about me. He came to bed and said he would lay down for a while, but if his heartburn started he would go sleep in his recliner. ❤️

ETA - I didn't mean for that to turn into a book. 😬

[finnime]

Your DD's situation has pushed a lot of stress onto you, daisylu. It's a great thing that your DH is so supportive while being affected himself. When you're threadbare, running ragged, sometimes you just need to let it out. Cut yourself some slack.

I find that my dawn walks on the beach with Franklin the Dog really keep me pretty level.

Much as I want to see DD and believe she needs me, I'm just as glad to not be going right now down to Maryland. It's a long trip both ways. It's wearing. Plus when she hears something that might possibly be construed as criticism from me she reacts like a cornered feral animal, with tears and recrimination. Her anxiety is so high I think she can't do anything constructive right now.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

So another philosophical thought.   I have been going through some of my mom's stuff and I was looking specifically for a dress that she used to wear all the time in the 70s.  She had offered it to me before but I had no interest in.  Now that I wear more vintage I am interested.

I was wearing that on Saturday and then I have a pendant my dad gave her on my cremation chain.  AND I just got a scrip for glasses.

Gwen commented that I looked exactly like my mother.

I asked DH if I was going about it wrong and was I trying to assimilate my mother? 

I regularly wear vintage.  I would gladly murder someone if it meant we could locate my grandmother's poodle skirt (hers had a black squirrel on it with a real tail) and would wear the crap out of it.  

I didn't feel the need to collect everything when grandma died.   I had a few key things that were important to me like her Chinese lions which sit on my dresser.   Ironically I also ended up with her house and the furniture in it at the time.  That was not planned so I guess I kinda assimilated her by accident.

With my mom I find myself trying to keep as much as I can.  I am logical enough to know that trying to hoard EVERYTHING is impossible and I don't want to.  I am going to look up places that help women gain employment to donate her professional clothes to for example.

But anything I can assign personal meaning to I am struggling with.  I have three possibly five tubs of picture that need to be sorted.  I am still working through the jewelry in my own time.  I took my grandmother's peridot ring and set that aside for Abby someday.  She will also inherit grandma's abalone shell clip on earrings when she is old enough to be responsible with them.

IDK.  DH said it's totally normal but it feels weird.  I wouldn't have felt so weird wearing the dress if she was alive so why do I feel so awkward wearing it now?

[TheOtherMe]

I think it's normal.  Please don't feel weird.  Everyone handles grief differently.

I would have loved to have some of mom's clothes as well as some of dad's.  My sister gave me a sweatshirt of mom's and kept all of the rest.  She didn't give me anything of dad's but I had an old bowling tie that I was given years ago.  

I don't know why she was so possessive about clothes.

[wvugurl26]

I think it's a hard process to work through. You understand that you can't possibly keep everything. If you keep things that you enjoy and you integrate them into your life, I don't see the issue.

Some things take more time to go through than others. There are definitely some totes/crates that I put aside at grandma's to go through later. It was too emotional and too fresh at that point.

We can't keep everything but we don't want to trash things that others may want. They had many nieces and nephews and several were very helpful. If there's anything they want, they can have it. I'd rather pass it on then send it to auction. I'm still not convinced there's enough to bother with an auction.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I have to go through my grandmother's glass ware.   I doubt any of it is super valuable so it is not worth having an auction.  But there is enough of it I feel like we should at least look into it and see what we can get.  I feel like even if it is a couple hundred I have earned it because we aren't going to get anything else from the estate.

I need to start bringing boxes home. From browsing Etsy it looks like we will likely get $10-$100 per piece depending on what it is but I'd like to take it to an antique store to have someone who knows glass look at it too.

I can let Bob see what he might want and set it aside plus a couple pieces for the girls.

And I still have my other grandma's stuff in my basement.  I donated a lot to the church for their sale after my mom died but I still have all the oil paintings.   Her silver tea set she got for her wedding is going to be put away for Gwen's wedding.   The hot chocolate set is put away for Abby.

I may just set the house on fire when my dad goes.  That seems like the easiest route to take at this point I don't know if I can handle doing estate cleaning a fourth time.

Technically five times at some point I need to help dad canvas GU's house as well. 

[TheOtherMe]

Mom kept saying we would need to do an estate sale for her collection of very valuable bells.  We did some checking on eBay and garage sale sites and decided it wasn't worth the effort.

I had contributed a few bells to the collection but the only one I wanted was the one from Buckingham Palace, which I am sure will be tossed when I die.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

My grandma was convinced all her glassware is super valuable.   It's really not unless it original depression glass and even if it is the value isn't that high because so much of is flooding the market as people my grandmother's age pass.

If any of it is uranium glass that could up it's value.  I need to find a black light and see if it glows.

Then there are two sets of figurines she insisted were worth a lot.   I took the one set because she insisted. They sit on my TV they don't take up much space but aren't really my style.  I keep them because they remind me of her.  

The other she insisted go to Bob.  They are packed away in the storage unit I'll have to ask if he wants them or not.

Guess what I saw going for $2 each at the Salvation Army last weekend?  Yep the very same figurines. 

I suppose we can argue the SA isn't exactly in the business of determining value for most donations but still.

I know nothing that I own has much dollar value to it but it makes me happy and that is what matters.  I am under no delusions that probably 99% of it will be donated or tossed when I go.

[TheOtherMe]

It does give you an idea of what people will pay for things like that.  Technically, that's the value the IRS uses on used items.

I quit the eBay selling of my Beatles collection except for high dollar items because by the time I took pictures and wrote up a description and postage kept increasing, I was making about a nickel per hour.  It wasn't worth it.

[wvugurl26]

We are having a guy who just auctions glass off come and take that. Assuming that each of us immediate family take one piece, that leaves oh approximately 290 pieces. He has the facility for an auction and he also does online. He has been in and looked at the collection and he will take it.

He will come pack it all up and haul it off. He takes 25%. Well worth it to me. I've done some ebay searches and some glass pieces have more value than others.

The regular auction people want 30% and they are 3 months behind. I'm not convinced the used furniture and so on has enough value to deal with the hassle. Grandma's street is not conducive to holding a sale ourselves in terms of traffic and parking.