azucena
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Post by azucena on Mar 19, 2021 14:37:25 GMT -5
Sorry to hear about this latest setback Finn. You and your DH have had more than your fair share. Keep figuring out little things to break up the monotony.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Mar 19, 2021 14:45:09 GMT -5
I'm sorry finnime Would your DH consider talking to a therapist via telehealth?
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Mar 19, 2021 16:03:26 GMT -5
I'm sorry finnime Would your DH consider talking to a therapist via telehealth? Yes, we both do the teledoc to our therapists. TG--we'd be in really tough shape otherwise.
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buystoys
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Post by buystoys on Mar 19, 2021 16:06:00 GMT -5
Hugs finnime. I wish I could do more.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Mar 23, 2021 8:36:04 GMT -5
Feeling sorry for myself. DH had his annual bloodwork done a couple of months ago - mostly focused on nutrition to monitor his digestion due to the ostomy. Anyway, his testosterone came up super low. They retested a few weeks later and it's still low. Dr wants to put him on testosterone cream. Means he'll have to take it for the rest of his life. I'm so tired of researching all of his health issues that I just want to stick my head in the sand about this one and ignore it. Dr said we'd have to be super careful about getting it anywhere near me or the girls. DH filled the Rx yesterday and apparently the pharmacist made it sound like no big deal. We had a huge fight about it last night because I'm just not ready and feel utterly disrespected that he won't give me the time I need to process. I cried and cried and he just sat there. What's worse is that we just came off of a good week away, and I was starting to feel reconnected. Blah.
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buystoys
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Post by buystoys on Mar 23, 2021 8:46:08 GMT -5
Hugs azucena. It must be the week for spousal struggles. DH and I have had some communication issues this week. Nothing big, but it's frustrating both of us. Fingers crossed that your DH does well on the cream.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Mar 23, 2021 15:33:03 GMT -5
That stinks, azucena. Time would be a gift.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Mar 24, 2021 22:52:47 GMT -5
I've been struggling for a while now due in part to DH, who is in the throes of his own depression. He fell a couple of months ago taking out the garbage on the back steps. He didn't mention it to me and didn't feel pain at the time. Over a week later he began to feel more and more pain walking until it was excruciating. Went to his orthopedic surgeon who diagnosed Tranchator bursitis and gave him a cortisone shot. Didn't do any good; one week later he want back. (I'm driving during all this time since he really can't. He'd been using a walker to get the 15 feet to the bathroom and groaning with awful pain.) Surgeon ordered an MRI. A few days after that the test results show the bursitis plus torn muscle and large, deep hemotoma just below his butt. Orthopedic surgeon explains there's nothing he can do. I set up a teledoc appointment with his PCP and she orders pain killers, 3 days at a time, then a week at a time. Gradually he improves enough to walk without aid for very short distances. At this point he's been mostly bed-bound for over a month. He is sinking fast psychologically. It brings back an awful year he (we) had when he suffered a massive post-surgical infection that required repeated operations to clean out and encourage healing in his foot and ankle. I'm tired. Between this and Covid, it's hard to keep on. DH is now decidedly better physically but far down psychologically. My own clinical depression is butting into his congruent depression. Every day I try to get him out of the house, even just to run to the post office. It's better than nothing. Thanks for letting me vent. You definitely have your work cut out for you. I'm sorry you're going through all of this. (Hugs)
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Apr 7, 2021 7:15:16 GMT -5
And now I'm spinning. DH got the results back of lab work and spoke with his nephrologist about them. He's in stage 5 CKD (chronic kidney disease.) She was clear that he would need to decide between dialysis and a transplant. DH had been at stage 4 for about 10 years and I had back-burnered concern about it.
At 71 he's at the upper limit for being considered a transplant candidate if a donor can be found. I'll donate if I can, if we happen to match blood types. He doesn't know his.
We've been planning on taking this year to fix up the house and sell it before moving up to Massachusetts where we'd be near my brothers and sister. I don't know what DH will be able to do in terms of time or energy once he starts dialysis.
I'm numb with a flicker of panic in the recesses of myself.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Apr 7, 2021 7:54:02 GMT -5
I'm sorry finnime I have a friend who is younger than me. He has lost both of his legs due to diabetes. He has been to two different places about a kidney transplant. The first one turned him down because of his diabetes. The second one told him to return when he can walk on both of his prosthetic legs without needing a walker. He is working very hard to get to that place. He is doing at home dialysis. It runs 3 nights a week overnight. Would that be a possibility for your DH?
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buystoys
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Post by buystoys on Apr 7, 2021 8:14:21 GMT -5
I'm so, so sorry finnime. What a shock to hear, I'm certain! Praying that your DH qualifies for a transplant.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Apr 7, 2021 22:45:25 GMT -5
And now I'm spinning. DH got the results back of lab work and spoke with his nephrologist about them. He's in stage 5 CKD (chronic kidney disease.) She was clear that he would need to decide between dialysis and a transplant. DH had been at stage 4 for about 10 years and I had back-burnered concern about it. At 71 he's at the upper limit for being considered a transplant candidate if a donor can be found. I'll donate if I can, if we happen to match blood types. He doesn't know his. We've been planning on taking this year to fix up the house and sell it before moving up to Massachusetts where we'd be near my brothers and sister. I don't know what DH will be able to do in terms of time or energy once he starts dialysis. I'm numb with a flicker of panic in the recesses of myself. Holy moly! I'm so sorry! This seems like a shocker, to me. I hope things go well in the future, so he doesn't require much, and still feels decent. My dr told me about a yr ago, I am having issues with my kidneys. I feel okay, so haven't worried a whole lot. Maybe I should. Hugs ♡
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azucena
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Post by azucena on May 11, 2021 2:04:34 GMT -5
Another insomnia night, this one with an obvious reason. Complete mother's day flop prompted a blowup with DH. I'm just going to brain here and not really edit myself.
On Sunday night as I headed to bed, I put the ball back in DH's court by asking him to reflect on if this mother's day was what he would want for DD12/8 to settle for in the future. He didn't even respond. Tonight I very explicitly said he hurt my feelings and made me feel completely unappreciated on a day that's meant to highlight appreciation. I'm sobbing uncontrollably and he starts in on our greatest hits arguments. I kept trying to pull the conversation back to this one specific thing and explicitly said I don't want to rehash general things that doesn't get us anywhere. So he comes back to mother's day but it's all you give me mixed signals and I don't feel appreciated either. All kinds of "yeah, buts". I point out that he's never once saying a simple, true I'm sorry. He says something like I'm sorry you felt that way which again doesn't sit quite right with me. Meanwhile I'm crying, and he's not reacting to that at all. In the last couple of years when we argue, he never physically comforts me or even cries or shows emotion himself. This is so out of character for him that I can't help but think he's depressed. So I bring that up and ask that he see a therapist. He's not opposed to it, but that's all the further we ever get on that topic. Meanwhile I'm left thinking part of why we get stuck in this cycle is because I'm the only one doing the work on myself to try to fix it.
I try not to throw that in his face though. I do say, look, I've come a long way not to just bury this hurt down deep, put on a brave face and move on but to advocate for what I need emotionally. Then it seems like he lists all my faults and how closed off I still seem to him. Ugh, this cycle is harmful and mean. And then it comes full circle to him saying look, I don't feel loved either, I'm not even sure you want to be with me. Which leaves me feeling like why do we keep bypassing MY hurt feelings? And if he doesn't know that I'm going to stay with him by now after all we've been thru than again he needs therapy. He thinks I'm just in it for the kids and honestly that's not it at all. There are enough glimpses of the greatness of us that keep me going. At some point, one of us needs to be completely selfless and put the other first and see what happens, but we're both so hurt and so used to our particular relationship/personality habits. Honestly, when it gets right down to it, I'm tired of it being me. I can boil down most of my pitfalls with him as he either was or has become much more selfish than I'd rather tolerate.
He thinks he's pitching in way more than ever before around the house, and I can see that is true. But I feel like I'm still shouldering well more than my share. The phrase that constantly runs thru my head is 'dude, do you want a cookie' for cleaning up family messes, cooking dinner, etc. My emotional workload still feels crushing and when I delegate some things to him he still makes it feel like he's doing me a favor. If I try to bring that up, he throws back the laundry list of 'guy' chores that he takes care of. To which I just wanna say but I'm still side stepping your clothes on the floor every day, etc.
And add to all of this the strong undercurrent of he needs more physically from me, but I need the emotional connection first and holy cow there are landmines everywhere. He accuses me of having a point system in my head and says he'll start to rack them up and then he messes up and I erase the scoreboard. At this point, I can't even separate if that's really true. But I do know that I should be allowed to talk about my emotional needs (and it took years of therapy for me to get to this point) without him bringing up my faults past or present. I said something to that effect and it became a yeah, but.
Tomorrow I add looking for a marriage therapist to my overwhelming to do list. We've had different ones on and off thru the years but no great connection. I'll also have my therapist recommend one for him. And maybe see if she'll do a joint session with us, but she doesn't like to since she wants to remain solely my therapist.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on May 11, 2021 4:02:16 GMT -5
Another insomnia night, this one with an obvious reason. Complete mother's day flop prompted a blowup with DH. I'm just going to brain here and not really edit myself. On Sunday night as I headed to bed, I put the ball back in DH's court by asking him to reflect on if this mother's day was what he would want for DD12/8 to settle for in the future. He didn't even respond. Tonight I very explicitly said he hurt my feelings and made me feel completely unappreciated on a day that's meant to highlight appreciation. I'm sobbing uncontrollably and he starts in on our greatest hits arguments. I kept trying to pull the conversation back to this one specific thing and explicitly said I don't want to rehash general things that doesn't get us anywhere. So he comes back to mother's day but it's all you give me mixed signals and I don't feel appreciated either. All kinds of "yeah, buts". I point out that he's never once saying a simple, true I'm sorry. He says something like I'm sorry you felt that way which again doesn't sit quite right with me. Meanwhile I'm crying, and he's not reacting to that at all. In the last couple of years when we argue, he never physically comforts me or even cries or shows emotion himself. This is so out of character for him that I can't help but think he's depressed. So I bring that up and ask that he see a therapist. He's not opposed to it, but that's all the further we ever get on that topic. Meanwhile I'm left thinking part of why we get stuck in this cycle is because I'm the only one doing the work on myself to try to fix it. I try not to throw that in his face though. I do say, look, I've come a long way not to just bury this hurt down deep, put on a brave face and move on but to advocate for what I need emotionally. Then it seems like he lists all my faults and how closed off I still seem to him. Ugh, this cycle is harmful and mean. And then it comes full circle to him saying look, I don't feel loved either, I'm not even sure you want to be with me. Which leaves me feeling like why do we keep bypassing MY hurt feelings? And if he doesn't know that I'm going to stay with him by now after all we've been thru than again he needs therapy. He thinks I'm just in it for the kids and honestly that's not it at all. There are enough glimpses of the greatness of us that keep me going. At some point, one of us needs to be completely selfless and put the other first and see what happens, but we're both so hurt and so used to our particular relationship/personality habits. Honestly, when it gets right down to it, I'm tired of it being me. I can boil down most of my pitfalls with him as he either was or has become much more selfish than I'd rather tolerate. He thinks he's pitching in way more than ever before around the house, and I can see that is true. But I feel like I'm still shouldering well more than my share. The phrase that constantly runs thru my head is 'dude, do you want a cookie' for cleaning up family messes, cooking dinner, etc. My emotional workload still feels crushing and when I delegate some things to him he still makes it feel like he's doing me a favor. If I try to bring that up, he throws back the laundry list of 'guy' chores that he takes care of. To which I just wanna say but I'm still side stepping your clothes on the floor every day, etc. And add to all of this the strong undercurrent of he needs more physically from me, but I need the emotional connection first and holy cow there are landmines everywhere. He accuses me of having a point system in my head and says he'll start to rack them up and then he messes up and I erase the scoreboard. At this point, I can't even separate if that's really true. But I do know that I should be allowed to talk about my emotional needs (and it took years of therapy for me to get to this point) without him bringing up my faults past or present. I said something to that effect and it became a yeah, but. Tomorrow I add looking for a marriage therapist to my overwhelming to do list. We've had different ones on and off thru the years but no great connection. I'll also have my therapist recommend one for him. And maybe see if she'll do a joint session with us, but she doesn't like to since she wants to remain solely my therapist. I'm so sorry about this. I've been down a very similar road several times in the past. If I had been able to sort my mess out, I would try to give you a suggestion, maybe. But I ended up with the big D x's 2. -Which for me, was a whole lot better, so at least there's that. I hope you're able to get the help/suggestions you need. Or that you get the kindness and support you want/need. I hate mother's day. Hugs for you♡
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on May 11, 2021 5:09:45 GMT -5
My depression has been at an all time high for the last month, or so. Previously, no matter how bad I felt like it was, the thought of not being able to babysit/spend time with my grandchildren, was something I just couldn't imagine. This time however, it has actually been something that I have considered. This makes me really sad.
I have come to the conclusion that DSL is very much like EX2. They both are willing to argue forever, rather than admit defeat. And things must always be their way.
DD2 will support both DSL and her father, no matter what.
If I want to be part of their children's lives, I have been told what is required. (Oldest grandchild turned 3 a few days ago. Younger sister will turn 1 in June.)
I'm not sure how to deal with, or if I can continue to deal with, everything being on their terms, like they have been.
I don't know how to look for a new therapist these days, or if I even want to do that again.
It's depressing. I'm a wreck.
Thanks to all of you, for being real and allowing me to be real, as well. Many hugs. ♡
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buystoys
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Post by buystoys on May 11, 2021 6:24:15 GMT -5
Many, many hugs azucena. Feel free to vent here all you like. I hope you find the marriage therapist you need quickly. More hugs to you toomuchreality. I've had those on-my-terms relationships and they are difficult at best.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on May 11, 2021 7:34:17 GMT -5
Feeling emotionally hungover this morning. toomuchreality for better or for worse, I can see how much of this is caused by each of our individual trauma from his chronic illness and our combined trauma; otherwise in a vacuum I may have walked. I see my unhealthy part in it too from my own family of origin; his too. And our conservative/religious values make both of us pretty stubborn about not even using the d-word. In June, we will be 20 yrs in + 5 dating, and we do make an incredible team. We "just" need to find our footing again. I wish there were a true way to start fresh from now. Does DD2 know your depression is growing? Husband aside, can she be your ally in that? I can't stand my BIL at this point, and I particularly hate the way he treats my nieces. Verbal abuse for sure. It makes my relationship with their whole family tricky, so I can't imagine if it were my SIL. If you think about what he requires, are there things that cross your moral line? That would be how I would try to sort out my feelings about the situation. Easier said than done. Mostly my BIL gets the vibe that we don't like him (my mom, my husband, my kids) so he stays away from us. But, I'd totally disrupt the boat if I had an inkling of physical abuse or he said something awful in my presence. Pretty sure he gets that vibe from me and stays away for his own good. He's manipulative like that. Share what you want here - I've found good counsel and even just the release of getting it out of my head and onto paper. To find therapy, first check your insurance list, and then ask for personal references from anyone in your life you're comfortable enough with to ask. And/or google the names and see what comes up - website bios, reviews, specialties etc. FWIW, I love tele-health and will never go back to in person.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on May 11, 2021 7:56:42 GMT -5
I may not have an option to stick with telehealth. If Medicare doesn't extend it and the state doesn't pass a bill requiring full reimbursement, my doctor's office is going to end it as of June 30. I'm not happy because MY insurance covers it 100%. However, if Medicare doesn't, I don't know what happens financially.
I've been told if they only get 70% reimbursement from telehealth, they can't afford to keep doing it.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on May 11, 2021 8:10:12 GMT -5
IMO, it's another unacceptable healthcare issue if that's what ends up happening to you. The industry should pivot and learn from covid that telehealth is a great option.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on May 11, 2021 8:18:45 GMT -5
I hope they can find a compromise on the telehealth issue. I know previously Medicare was so strict because of the fraud. In the spring of 2019, we arrested two dozen people involved in a billion dollar DME fraud. The doctors signing the scripts for unnecessary DME were using telemedicine as they were in different states.
It is unfortunate when others suffer for it but they are trying to prevent those types of schemes so they are reluctant to make the pandemic changes permanent. While it is a valuable service to many especially in rural and underserved areas, it is very vulnerable to fraud. Trying to find that balance may take some time.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on May 11, 2021 13:13:33 GMT -5
I told my doctor at the last session that there were 3 times over the winter I would not have come because of snow.
She agreed they have way fewer cancellations because of weather.
The IA Governor says because so many people here have to drive so far for health care, the legislature should approve full reimbursement for telehealth. They have passed all of the legislation I disagree with, so I hope they pass one I do agree with.
So far, I haven't heard anything about Medicare stopping coverage. I called them back in February when she first brought this up and was told that it wasn't determined how long Medicare would cover telehealth.
I've told her I'd like to continue and would pay the part Medicare won't cover since my health insurance does cover it 100%. I have Federal Blue Cross Blue Shield.
I hope Medicare doesn't use the big stick approach and instead goes after the people who are abusing it.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on May 11, 2021 14:58:14 GMT -5
Telehealth has made a huge difference for so many people in accessing mental health care. I really hope that reimbursement for it is cemented in place once we get past this pandemic.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on May 11, 2021 15:04:59 GMT -5
azucena, it seems like you may be carrying the emotional responsibilities for your family and your DH has relinquished them along with the planning and prioritizing of responsibilities in general. I'm sorry to hear it. I do hope your DH finds the therapy/therapist that works for him so you can grow back together. My DH and I are very fortunate. Our current therapist is also our psychiatrist, for each of us separately (DH has anxiety issues and OCD) and for us as a couple. It works very well, although I can see that may be unique. We are stronger together, which our shrink reminds us of.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on May 11, 2021 15:07:04 GMT -5
I am sorry, toomuchreality. I would feel used and angry in the same situation. But grandchildren trump everything--I could see that, too. You are a worthwhile, giving person who adds much to other's lives, whether they acknowledge it or not.
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Post by Deleted on May 11, 2021 16:20:34 GMT -5
With my insurance, first I have to pay for an "assessment" so they can determine if I need therapy. What? Anybody who's looking for a therapist needs therapy! After that, it's limited to once every four weeks and only for four sessions. No idea what the assessment costs, but my portion of the sessions, whether in person or telehealth, is $35. How generous. I gave up trying to get help long ago and just muddle along as best I can. Proverbs 17:22 tells us, "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones." I don't know how merry my heart is, but my spirit isn't quite broken yet, and anyway at my age my bones are already dry
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on May 12, 2021 0:32:51 GMT -5
Thanks, everyone.
Now, I have to be even more careful about everything I take to their house. Including food, drinks, snacks and toys. Any and everything I take, has to be approved and I have to be sure to gather up and bring home with me again. But the house they're moving to has a nice, big, fenced in yard with an in ground trampoline, a very nice swing set with a slide, rope climbing net, climbing wall, structure/clubhouse big enough for me to sit in with her, includes a chalkboard outside. There is a playhouse and a toy room inside with TVs mounted on the walls. It will be great, until the cousins come over and tear it up again. Because no matter how nice the structure is, it isn't fun, if you can't find your toys. I have made it very clear. I will not be cleaning up after those kids and more.
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buystoys
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Post by buystoys on May 12, 2021 15:31:53 GMT -5
While I'm an introvert and usually prefer to just stay home, I admit I'm getting a little stir crazy lately. Maybe it's more that we've been on the run to so many appointments the last few weeks. Maybe it's just that spring is supposed to be here and we are having a series of cool, drizzly days. Whatever it is, I want to get away for a couple of days. We've been talking about going to the casino we like, but they still have mask restrictions in place. I'm not into wearing a mask all day long. (I understand the "why" of the restrictions, I just don't want to be somewhere requiring it full time.) We've both been vaccinated, so constant mask wearing is even less attractive.
DH just called them and there is no estimated date for returning to "normal" operations. So I guess that idea is out. I suspect any place we find to go is going to have the same or similar issues. Of course, we could try to find some place here in Texas since the mask requirement has been lifted. Maybe I'll do that. There are a lot of interesting places we've said we want to see. Then again, the weather sucks right now, so it would have to be something completely indoors. I'm hurting and that always makes me cranky. I have injections scheduled for next week, so I hope my outlook will get better afterwards.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on May 12, 2021 15:52:48 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on May 12, 2021 16:21:30 GMT -5
I hope your pain eases soon too, buys toys. And that you find something to do, that you enjoy.
Are you on a vacation now?
I will be glad when we don't have to wear a mask anymore too!
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buystoys
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Post by buystoys on May 12, 2021 19:23:28 GMT -5
I hope your pain eases soon too, buys toys. And that you find something to do, that you enjoy. Are you on a vacation now? I will be glad when we don't have to wear a mask anymore too! DH and I are retired on disability. So it's kind of like a permanent vacation. We usually go away for three days or so a acouple of times a year. Since Covid, of course, we've not taken any trips. I think those few days away do a lot more than I ever realized. I don't remember feeling this "itchy" in my own skin.
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