Battling Depression

[TheOtherMe]

That's the thread.  There was one there about his treatment, but it's gone--or maybe he only put it on FB.  

[finnime]

The weather plus depression has me completely enervated. It's all I can do to accomplish the bare basics: get up, walk dog, go to appointments. Overwhelmed by everything else to be done.

[TheOtherMe]

Hugs finnime 

I'm in a bit of a rut myself.  

[buystoys]

Hugs finnime and TheOtherMe.  I'm also struggling to find ambition most days. 

[TheOtherMe]

[finnime]

 Back to you both.

This is really hard.

[finnime]

Being stalked by dread again. Forcing myself to get a few things done. Really want to avoid people. IRL they're too draining.

[busymom]

Hang in there!  Monday "eve" can be a bit rough.  Hugs to everyone here!  

[buystoys]

Hugs finnime.  Hang in there!

[TheOtherMe]

The columnist I mentioned earlier in the thread goes back to work today.  He has kept the Twitter world updated on his daily progress during this treatment period.  As of his 10th and last treatment, he was much improved.  

On Saturday, he went down the rabbit hole of anxiety of returning to work today and had to call his therapist to talk him down.  

Apparently, he has been allowed to work from home for several years but he got a new boss about the first of the year who wants him in the office.  He fell on the ice and had a back injury so was allowed to work from home.  

Today is the first day he truly has to go in to the office for work.  I'm wishing him well and hoping he is able to manage it.  He is a gifted writer.

finnime  I understand people are too draining.  I can handle Lucy cat, but people are often too much for me.  

[finnime]

Aagh. I'm really down. Like a child, I zoomed even further down with disappointment. My front and side yards have been totally renovated and new plantings done, something I'd been saving for for about a year. It looks fantastic - except they ran out of sod before the lawn could be completed. Now I've got a thirty foot by four foot section of just dirt. The designer also coordinates the work and he's coming out Sunday to take a look. It will cost more for the additional sod, and of course take more time.

I am so undone by this. I know it's the depression - it sucks away all the bounce-back - but it still feels miserable. I just want my yard to be finished and look beautiful. It's been years. Aagh, again.

[busymom]

Aug 9, 2019 11:34:50 GMT -5 finnime said:

Aagh. I'm really down. Like a child, I zoomed even further down with disappointment. My front and side yards have been totally renovated and new plantings done, something I'd been saving for for about a year. It looks fantastic - except they ran out of sod before the lawn could be completed. Now I've got a thirty foot by four foot section of just dirt. The designer also coordinates the work and he's coming out Sunday to take a look. It will cost more for the additional sod, and of course take more time.

I am so undone by this. I know it's the depression - it sucks away all the bounce-back - but it still feels miserable. I just want my yard to be finished and look beautiful. It's been years. Aagh, again.

    Just gotta breathe.  I remember how frustrating it was to get repairs, and a bit of remodeling done on Mom's house before it was put on the market.  Always delays.  It's just part of the process.  Don't stress over it, as it will get done.  Just not necessarily on your schedule.  It's gonna happen.  (I'm ready for a pitcher of margaritas myself--it's been one of THOSE weeks.)  <HUGS>  

[TheOtherMe]

Sadly any project I've ever done has been like that.  

finnime who calculated the amount of sod incorrectly?  Shouldn't they be picking up the cost?  

The depression makes it so difficult to deal with anything that doesn't go your way.  

The journalist I wrote about has started a blog to deal with his progress.  


pilcrowblues.home.blog/2019/07/10/understanding-depression/

He is back to work.  He has been overweight for as long as I've been reading his columns.  A few years ago he lost 125 pounds and chronicled his journey.  With his latest bout of deep depression, he has ballooned to 574 pounds.  Yes, you read that right.  He is beating himself up daily about that but he knows only he can fix it.

[finnime]

Great blog post, TheOtherMe. Thanks for posting it. And yes, dealing with ordinary setbacks is so rough when you're under the tide of depression.

[empress of self-improvement]

I've been feeling kind of bleah for the last couple of dys. Fabulous weather and I've just been parked on the couch for the most part. Being unemployed is so boring! I can't go anywhere because, you know, lack of money. DH needs to see a doctor but I have to get him signed up for Medicare first and that won't be for a couple of weeks. Had to send in a form to the former employer before the one that laid me off.

I may have an interview next week. Unfortunately I fell asleep and didn't catch the call from the staffing agency. But really, I just feel bleah. Reaally really bleah. Took my happy pills late today but at least I took them. Just feel like sleeping a lot.

[finnime]

Sorry to hear that, empress of self-improvement. I empathize the being stuck in no gear at all, just empty.


to you. 

[buystoys]

Big hugs to you all! 

I've been feeling really good for a couple of weeks now.  I don't know if that's a good thing or not.  I want it to be a good thing, but it makes me wonder if I'm really bipolar as my therapist suspects.  I haven't felt this good for a couple of years, so it's a scary place to be.  I worry about falling back into that hole again....  Why can't I just accept it and enjoy it while I'm here?

[finnime]

I'm more or less resigned to the sure knowledge that feeling good won't last; that another episode will blossom at some point. All I can do is try to mitigate the worst of it. I understand it is hard to trust a period of feeling good. Bittersweet fruit of recurrent depression.

[TheOtherMe]

Aug 10, 2019 8:03:28 GMT -5 buystoys said:

Big hugs to you all! 

I've been feeling really good for a couple of weeks now.  I don't know if that's a good thing or not.  I want it to be a good thing, but it makes me wonder if I'm really bipolar as my therapist suspects.  I haven't felt this good for a couple of years, so it's a scary place to be.  I worry about falling back into that hole again....  Why can't I just accept it and enjoy it while I'm here?

I have bipolar II.  When I hit one of the good spots is when I consider going off the meds.  I've done that to myself twice.  I can not go off the meds.  I repeat I can not go off the meds. 

If I go off the meds, I will be in such a dark space it takes a lot to get me out since you have to gradually increase the dosage of the meds.

[Lizard Queen]

I've been feeling pretty down lately. The current thing is the garage sale we're having. Its city-wide, so it's really hopping. The kids have sold a good amount of toys. Why an I down? My DH didn't get around to cleaning up the stuff he had in half of the garage until Thursday night. I had so much more I could have sold if I had more time to prepare. Its not all his fault. I had all day yesterday that I wasted fuming over the lost sale day (Friday had lots of shoppers too). That is my own damn fault. I had a dream this morning that we won $37M, and all I thought was that I was now free to get rid of all the extra crap in this house without worrying about trying to recoup any of the money from it.

[finnime]

It's hard, Lizard Queen, to not kick yourself when you're down, but it's very important. Ruminating on should have, could have is another thing I do to myself. And it doesn't help.

You did good, preparing what you did for the yard sale. IME they're tremendous amounts of labor with little reward.

[Lizard Queen]

Aug 10, 2019 12:48:07 GMT -5 finnime said:

It's hard, Lizard Queen, to not kick yourself when you're down, but it's very important. Ruminating on should have, could have is another thing I do to myself. And it doesn't help.

You did good, preparing what you did for the yard sale. IME they're tremendous amounts of labor with little reward.

Thanks. This one has been suprisingly successful, considering the little we put out. We got rid of the 3 bulky items we really wanted out, plus lots of toys, too. I'm really thankful for my DH taking over today. I just couldn't deal with it or people in general.
I think part of my issue is trying to sell a few of my mom's things. Her estate is a whole other can of worms.

[TheOtherMe]

From the way things went when we divided up mom's personal things, I don't think my sister will be able to let it go.  She only let me donate the clothes to Goodwill because they were "old lady" clothes and not her size.

I took nothing in comparison to her and now that I'm on the decluttering task, she's taken some of what I brought here back.  

It's going to be the same way with dad's stuff.  They sold their house so we don't have to worry about that.

Estate is only his stuff and furniture and cash in the bank that all 3 of us are on the title.  Hopefully it goes well when that day happens.

[empress of self-improvement]

It's fascinating how different everyone's experiences with parental estates are. My sister couldn't wait to throw everything in my dad's house out and put it on the market. Pissed me off. My mother, thankfully, was a lot easier as she had a lot less and most of it was donated. Her cat was the most important belonging she had and she was already at my house.

Is it bad that when the firefighters were here this morning, I wanted to ask if they knew how many happy pills it would take me to be really happy without it being an overdose? I refrained from asking and from downing the bottle but it was tempting. Oh so tempting.

[TheOtherMe]

empress of self-improvement   Hugs

To me, Lucy Cat is my most important belonging.  Whoever takes her can not let her go outside.  Same will be true of any cats I have after Lucy goes.

With dad's physical stuff all being in his apartment, we have until the end of the month or pay another month's rent to get his stuff out.  I'm sure that will be one of the first things that happens so we can start the process of getting 85% of the money he paid for buy in to live there returned.  

There are definitely things we will only want to move once, like furniture, but the smaller stuff can all go to my house or sister's house and gone through later.

[finnime]

Still struggling here. This is a long and deep bout. Ordinary small downs hit me like a brick.

I saw DS25 last week; he was here for a couple of nights, visiting friends and doing some business. He lives in Manhattan. He stayed in a hotel rather than asking if he could stay with us, and it hit me hard that he'll never come home again. My home is not his anymore. And I know that's normal and expected and a good thing, that he has established successfully an independent adult life, but it's endlessly sad to me right now.

I have been able to physically get a few things accomplished. Prepped a wall for painting, now have to zero in on a color that really works. So far I've tried 5 and none of them will do.

I water plants like crazy, too, now that we have a beautifully renovated lawn and garden. But it gives me no pleasure. It is a chore that I struggle to summon the energy to deal with.

Hope you all are doing well, and I hope, too, that the ending of summer will help me with this damn depression.

[TheOtherMe]

  finnime

I know it bothered my parents when I started staying in hotels when I visited.  For me, it was I was used to living alone and I wanted "me time".  Then they moved to a small town and the hotel option disappeared.  

I'm sorry you are struggling.

[azucena]

Fin - did you ask him to stay with you next time? He may have thought he was doing you a favor.

[finnime]

That's a good point, azucena. I'll ask him for next time, unless he'd prefer to stay in D.C.

I am jolted by how hard this is hitting me now, although I know it's just the depression pulling me under.

[buystoys]

finnime.  Hopefully the weather will cool down soon and summer will be but a memory.  I know the heat is keeping me down a bit as I'm really stuck inside all the time.  It's been too hot to even go sit by the pool.