Battling Depression

[buystoys]

Sam, all I can do is send you virtual hugs.  I feel you and feel for you.  As others have asked, please speak to your therapist about this.  finnime has a good plan, one I've used myself.  Buying one more minute, one more hour, one more day of time by just telling myself I can always step in front of a semi and be done with this world gives me space to try to get a better grip on that last little bit of the rope.  Prayers for you and for your friend's family.

finnime, yes, suicide bites.

[TheOtherMe]

Sam_2.0  I've fought suicidal thoughts for over 50 years.  So far, I have been able to push them back and not act out.  

I once spent an entire holiday weekend in bed because I was afraid of what I would do if I got out of bed.  I did get help on the Tuesday after the 3 day weekend, but I had to go to class first.  

I do the self negotiating and sometimes it is in one minute increments.  

It's another reason I have Lucy.  Being responsible for an animal keeps the thought in my mind of I can't let Lucy be alone.  Nobody would take care of her like I take care of her.  That has helped immensely.  

Maybe thinking about your kids at those times until you can talk to your therapist.

[Sam_2.0]

Thank you all <3 I knew someone else would get it. I like the delay tactic, definitely a good one! I've been making myself say things out loud - for some reason it loses its power once its been said. If it rolls around in my head too long it seems too big but speaking it seems to deflate it. My kids are definitely a motivator for sure. And most of the time I'm in my rational space and I know it will be ok. I just fear something happening where the immediacy of my decision could be too late (crossing traffic, going over a bridge, etc). We don't keep weapons around for partially that reason too. H also struggles so I know he understands when I just need to talk to someone. I need to get another appointment with my counselor too.

[TheOtherMe]

This is the reason there will never be a gun in my home.  I'd be long gone if I had that available to me.  

Saying the words out loud helps me, too.  If I keep letting the idea go round and round in my head, it gets worse.  

[finnime]

Stay safe, Sam_2.0 and TheOtherMe. We need you.

[azucena]

Not really depressed, just feeling completely blah, unmotivated, and disenfranchised for weeks on end.  Just realized this afternoon that reading through the current events and political sections here isn't helping my attitude.  

[TheOtherMe]

azucena  That is why I stay away from those forums

[azucena]

Apr 29, 2019 14:59:18 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

azucena   That is why I stay away from those forums

I used to and I always avoid the news to the point that my mom knows to call my family if there is something we need to know.  But as part of being unmotivated, I use these forums to procrastinate.  Then, I run out of things to read and venture into the dark side.  All that negative energy cannot be good.  Promising not to look over there any more.

[TheOtherMe]

That part of any forum I belong to is the dark side for me and will take me to the rabbit hole of getting more depressed.  

It's taken a long time, but I've learned to stay away.

I also have filters on FB that hides most politics.  What it doesn't catch, I hide.  If the same person keeps posting politics, I hide them.

If it's something important concerning family, I will find out from those that don't do politics.

[buystoys]

Yeah, I've been staying away from those posts as well.  They are just rehashing the same thing over and over with new hyperbole.  If I feed into, it impacts me negatively.  I can't read all the name calling and finger pointing without being drawn into it even if I don't post.

[finnime]

I've been surprisingly for me productive the past few weeks, writing. I've let other things go by the wayside, but it's something. Now I'm sort of dreading June. That began my serious slide down last year, when I was already at the bottom. Something about the overwhelming summer. That, and both my parents died in June, one 13 years ago and the other 23 years ago. It's hard.

I am planning a trip to Maine in a few weeks; that should help. Plus I'll see my sibs there.

Hope you are all doing well. Stay clear of the news to the extent possible.

[debthaven]

So glad you see you posting again my friend finnime .

Keep up with the writing. I hope the planned trip to Maine helps.

[buystoys]

Hang in there finnime!  I'm going through my own bad month right now.  I start to feel disconnected from myself, like I'm watching someone else doing things with my body.  My therapist pointed out that part of that could be because I'm trying to wean off some of my meds.  Hugs to you!

[TheOtherMe]

Observation on the sorry state of mental health in our country after seeing my therapist yesterday.

I got there early and was alone in the waiting room for about 20 minutes so I could overhear the receptionists on the phone.

Two calls really caught my attention.

1.  An adult child was calling in for dementia evaluation for their mother.  My own therapist had told me it requires a referral and there is about a 6 month wait when I discussed my dad with her.  That's what the receptionist told the adult child.  From her responses, it sounds like the adult feels desperate and hopeless about the situation.  Was told to get the referral from primary care provider and get on list.

2.  This surprised me more.  Someone who had stopped coming to the practice when their provider left and they didn't take them up on the options provided at that time was told they are not accepting new patients and their waiting list is full.  They were given a short list of places to try to call to see if they are accepting new patients.  

I learned to not give up on my therapist and if she leaves, to work things out immediately as to a new therapist.  

[finnime]

And apparently -- per my shrink -- there's a lot more anxiety, stress and depression since Trump was inaugurated. He said that other psychiatrists he knows have said the same thing. More symptomatic patients, and more patients.

[TheOtherMe]

I have been told that by both my therapist and my med management doctor.  Also more stomach issues per my family doctor.

[azucena]

I've been doing much better since making two noticeable changes - avoiding political boards and doing lots of physical work outside (fresh air, sunlight, exercise).

I asked my psych about my weight gain and she prescribed trulicity which is a diabetes shot that has a side effect of decreasing appetite.  That seemed like too big of a jump for me, so I've resolved to do it the old fashioned way.  I need to keep way fewer snacks in the house, focus on healthy foods, no eating after dinner, and keep up physical activity.

[buystoys]

I do my best to avoid or minimize politics as much as possible.  I am listening to some of the Democratic town halls because I would like to know more about the candidates.  Admittedly, I won't watch all of them.  Twenty plus people is just too many to keep track of.

I had a couple really bad days last week, but I've been not well this past week.  DH and I have had bad coughs which we thought were colds.  He's got a doctor's appointment today and he's going to ask if it's a cold or if it's bronchitis.  Neither of us is really getting better, so I suspect it's something other than a cold.

[finnime]

Sorry you've not been well, buystoys.

I do keep up minimally with the political scene, but my minimum would be overload in much of the country. I live just off the DC beltway. National news = local news pretty much. It's hard to balance the outrage and cynicism with the need to be informed. I've limited myself to WTFJHT generally; it's a good easy to swallow synopsis.

Summer is my personal worst time. Keeping moving so far, but it's hard and getting harder. The oppressive and overwhelming sun is a cross to bear for me.

[finnime]

Swinging low into the gulf of depression. Going on vacation today, two weeks in Maine and Massachusetts. Feel like I'm escaping something. Having yard renovation done when I get back, so that's already planned - it will happen regardless of me pushing it along, so that's good. Maybe this year when I get back I'll be able to think more clearly. Or not. Trying to lower expectations can also be a good strategy. Hope all of you are well. Post again in a couple of weeks.

[busymom]

It's good to get away, so enjoy your vacation finnime.  

[plugginaway22]

Enjoy your trip Finnime.

[buystoys]

Enjoy getting away from your regular routine, finnime!  Keeping my fingers crossed that it refreshes you!

[TheOtherMe]

I know you have said summer is the most difficult season for you finnime   I hope this trip helps you with that.

For me, it's winter.  I can't deal with the lack of sunshine and the cold weather.  I very much notice a huge dip in my mood and it's not for the good.

I do much better this time of year with the sunshine and being able to go outdoors without fear of falling on ice.  I also enjoy listening to the chirping birds and kids playing in the neighborhood.  

We are all wired differently, so we are here to cheer you on as the summer progresses.

[azucena]

Went to bed out of sorts, angry at the world, woke up feeling the same. It's going to be a long day at work.

[TheOtherMe]

One of the journalists I read who happened to attend my high school, went on medical leave for his depression on Monday.  Last night he did a series of tweets in an attempt to explain what depression feels like.  He nailed it.  He knows how I feel and I know how he feels.

[buystoys]

azucena, I hope your day was OK after all.

TheOtherMe, I always struggle to explain how I'm feeling to DH.  He really tries to understand, but I just never have the words to describe it.  It's great you have a friend who can feel your pain.

[TheOtherMe]

He's not a friend.  He is a journalist who has the same type of depression I have.  He has the skill to write his feelings because he has a way with words that I do not have.  

Lots of the responses were "I had no idea", etc.  Mine was "you are describing my life"  We did chat online after that because he was questioning some of his feelings and I told him, they are the same as mine.

[finnime]

Jul 10, 2019 7:16:00 GMT -5 azucena said:

Went to bed out of sorts, angry at the world, woke up feeling the same. It's going to be a long day at work.

Hope you find this eases up as your day progresses.

My vacation was wonderful despite this depression. Every now and then my DH or DSis would ask me what was wrong and I'd realize my face was showing something I felt even though I was truly happy to be there. It's like there's a blankness and under that pain. I do need to be sure to get away every summer in the July timeframe. Summer here in Maryland tackles you from all sides.

[azucena]

Jul 11, 2019 7:42:17 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

He's not a friend.  He is a journalist who has the same type of depression I have.  He has the skill to write his feelings because he has a way with words that I do not have.  

Lots of the responses were "I had no idea", etc.  Mine was "you are describing my life"  We did chat online after that because he was questioning some of his feelings and I told him, they are the same as mine.

Do you mind linking to the twitter posting(s) for us?  I think I would find it helpful.