Battling Depression

[azucena]

A cheap answer would be to get an alexa which he could use to call for help even from across the room.

Empress hang in there!

[TheOtherMe]

empress of self-improvement  Is it time for him to go in to a residential setting?  It sounds like the situation is getting too much for you to handle.  

[empress of self-improvement]

Dec 2, 2018 11:22:40 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

empress of self-improvement   Is it time for him to go in to a residential setting?  It sounds like the situation is getting too much for you to handle. 

Honestly, I don't know. I think he would still be fine at home if he would just use a little COMMON SENSE!!!! I am going to ask his neuro for a referral for an occupational therapist to come to the house and help me figure out what can be done to make it safer. Other than strapping him down, I'm just not sure what to do.

I try to keep furniture and things out of the way. He still manages to maneuver right into them. My walls and kitchen cabinets look like crap. I think I need to do more research on universal design. Right after I set up Alexa. He was on the floor again this morning but at least he remembers how he got there this time!

[busymom]

I don't know how you do it empress of self-improvement.  Seriously.  Forgive me if someone already asked this, but do you have any family that could come by & help, so all of this isn't dumped into your lap?  This is more than one person should be able to bear.  

[countrygirl2]

This just can't be good for either of you.  I know its a big problem to afford care for someone like this if you are not of retirement age.

I'm not sure what kind of help is out there, I assume he is considered disabled.  I think I asked this before, if he gets SSI or something he

can likely then qualify for help.

[empress of self-improvement]

Dec 2, 2018 22:08:26 GMT -5 countrygirl2 said:

This just can't be good for either of you.  I know its a big problem to afford care for someone like this if you are not of retirement age.

I'm not sure what kind of help is out there, I assume he is considered disabled.  I think I asked this before, if he gets SSI or something he

can likely then qualify for help.

He only gets SSDI. He has a pension he is collecting so brings in too much to qualify for SSI. He is very much disabled and is only going to get worse from here. Gee, I can't wait. The only problem with getting his family to help is they are all dealing with their mother who has demmetia. Currently they are looking for a facility for her as she is getting progressively more difficult to handle as well. I'm still debating asking if the place they find would do BOGO, buy one, get one. Yeah? I know, most likely not.

I just had an awesome idea. Maybe I'll run tracks on the ceiling, like drapery tracks, then string DH up to them so when he moves he stays upright! Kind of like a giant marionette thing! That would be awesome!

I guess I need to break out my Alexa. I found an app that will work for him to have it call me. Only problem is whether or not he will remember to use it!

[finnime]

Alexa is a great idea. He can also use it to entertain himself, playing music or whatever.

Medicare should pay for some home services, I think, too. If he's on SSDI would he be on Medicare too? Something to look into if you haven't already.


to you, empress of self-improvement. When I read of your burden I know I was lucky with my own DH. He would and did improve to the point of walking now. It was a long exhausting time to get there.

[Works4me]

Empress - hugs and support!

[Peace77]

Why not get a Life Alert type device? There are several companies that make them and some of them can be set up to detect falls.
One brand includes a lock box like realtors use in case you aren't the one to come and help him up.

It would be worth the peace of mind.

[buystoys]

Big hugs empress of self-improvement!

I like the Life Alert type device.  My dad has one that detects if you fall.  It's programmed to call my mom if he falls.  If he presses the button, he's connected to a dispatch office.  So far he hasn't had to use it.

[TheOtherMe]

empress of self-improvement      

[countrygirl2]

You know you brought up and interesting idea.  I have read there is such a system, that has tracks on the ceiling.  It has a type of sling chair and can be put in to go from bedroom, to bath, and living room.  They showed it going into a shower even so you could bathe the person.  Likely the cost is prohibitive but they have it.

I don't think you can do this forever. Something is going to have to give for you to have a break.  The resentment will build, it did with my mom.  I had 2 of them and I was going nuts.  Thankfully she had enough money for her to go to assisted living.  I couldn't have done it much longer.  If he gets that much can he qualify for assisted living?  This may sound terrible but couples do get divorces so the spouse can qualify for services.  Or if he is a veteran he can likely get help.  Hubs could go to a VA hospital or home.

[empress of self-improvement]

He is not a veteran. Out of the six kids in the family, the one and only girl is the only one who went into the military! He was diagnosed about 1991 so he wouldn't have been able to join.

I'm compiling a list of topics to bring up with the doctor next month. I am hoping for an appt. with the social worker though so we shall see. If I get a new job that is more local, it will go a long way towards helping.

[empress of self-improvement]

We talked about the LifeAlert. He doesn't want to pay for the subscription. I also don't know if he would actually keep the damn button on him or leave it somewhere else like both of our mothers did/do.

[TheOtherMe]

When my parents moved to where dad is now living, they refuse to wear the buttons.  Now that dad is alone, he really should.  He refuses.

[azucena]

Feeling overwhelmed. It was mid-dec when I had my last crash and I'm feeling deja vu. I got talked into hosting christmas for my extended family which I had to cancel last yr. Said no to this yr at first and then got guilt ed into it. Going to have to see if dh will take on 90% of the planning and work.

Work is too busy right now. Doesn't help that I have the exact same project that was my tipping point last yr

Cold weather and lack of sun isn't helping. Neither are all of the Christmas commitments.

I know a big part of my downfall last yr was going off birth ctl and I'm back on it along with antidepressants and anxiety meds so that should go in my favor. Just feeling really uneasy about the next two months.

Oh, turning 40 at the beg of Jan is also looming large. Things like that don't typically bother me. Need to focus on the good.

[finnime]

Your DH picking up the ball on Christmas sounds like it would really help a lot, azucena. Dispense with everything you can and focus only on the things that are musts for you in particular, like work. Sounds like the biochemistry piece will also not be a problem this year; that's great.

 to you.

As for 40, pbbbst. You have accomplished a lot for someone so young, I'll say that. Now in my late 50's it seems as though 60 just isn't that old either.

[debthaven]

azucena you need EVERYONE to participate, not just your DH. Since you can afford it, nothing wrong with either cooking or catering PART of it, and asking for food contributions for the rest. If you're hosting extended family, choose what you prefer to provide (regardless of whether you or DH actually cook it yourselves or have it catered) and ask the others to provide the rest.

Take care of yourself, please.  

ETA: My much-older sister (13 years older) told me many years ago, learn to take care of yourself. Because if you don't, nobody else will.

My DH DOES take care of me now, but it took decades LOL. It took me a VERY long time to learn that lesson. But when I am not OK, nothing else is OK either.

[TheOtherMe]

Do not worry about turning 40.  It's just a number.  Nothing else says someone who is 67.

Yes, let DH handle it and hire what he can not do.  Even hire someone to clean your house.  

[NastyWoman]

Dec 5, 2018 19:24:28 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Do not worry about turning 40.  It's just a number.  Nothing else says someone who is 67.

Yes, let DH handle it and hire what he can not do.  Even hire someone to clean your house.  

 and just for the record: you are not OLD until you are 93 according to my DGM who passed away at age 99! Or to quote her when she moved into an assisted living facility at that age "I think I am starting to get old".

We and she were very lucky that she was still quite healthy both physically and mentally until she passed.

[TheOtherMe]

I only say I'm old when I'm not feeling well.

My paternal grandmother lived to age 94.  She was a joy to the very end, physically and mentally.  Grandma was able to stay at home because an uncle who never married had her living with him all of his adult life.

I don't think the siblings appreciated what he had done until she passed.  

The siblings all gave her money for her birthday, Mother's Day and Christmas.  She had less than $1000 when she died.  The uncle brought it up and they told him the money was his.  

[azucena]

Christmas is a potluck so it's mostly the cleaning. I struggle with hiring someone because my kids are 10 and 6 and old enough to help with limited other obligations right now. I don't want them to get spoiled. It's a hard balance.

It's mostly the work issues and the fact that 3 of my 4 major projects right now are very complicated and pretty much exact repeats of last year. It's unreal.

And everyone is swamped so there isn't a lot of room to delegate plus one of my main analysts and friends is at the very beg of a divorce. Her husband cheated - never would have guessed he'd be scummy like that. So lots of emotional support needed there which is draining.

And besides the cheating some of their issues hit to close to home in my own marriage.

Probably see schedule a therapy appt but that just feels like another giant to do within limited time. Need to focus in eating better, good sleep patterns, and self care.

[NastyWoman]

Dec 5, 2018 21:00:46 GMT -5 azucena said:

Christmas is a potluck so it's mostly the cleaning. I struggle with hiring someone because my kids are 10 and 6 and old enough to help with limited other obligations right now. I don't want them to get spoiled. It's a hard balance.

It's mostly the work issues and the fact that 3 of my 4 major projects right now are very complicated and pretty much exact repeats of last year. It's unreal.

And everyone is swamped so there isn't a lot of room to delegate plus one of my main analysts and friends is at the very beg of a divorce. Her husband cheated - never would have guessed he'd be scummy like that. So lots of emotional support needed there which is draining.

And besides the cheating some of their issues hit to close to home in my own marriage.

Probably see schedule a therapy appt but that just feels like another giant to do within limited time. Need to focus in eating better, good sleep patterns, and self care.

If you can afford it → HIRE THE HELP! Focus on your kids chipping in more when your schedule is not as crazily overloaded. Be kind to yourself. I know that won't make everything better but it will keep it from being even worse.

[buystoys]

OK.  Deep breath, azucena.  Bring in someone to clean and don't feel guilty about it.  You are tied up with work and it's completely fine to bring in some help right now.

Live in the moment.  Don't worry now about how Christmas will be.  It will be just fine.  Live for the moment today.  Getting ready for work, dealing with work, and then coming home and living your life with your spouse and your kids. 

Do NOT hesitate to delegate and then just let go of things.  Don't try to be perfect.  No one is.  Just be yourself and stay in the moment.

That's all the advice I have for you.  Lots of hugs for you, though.

[weltschmerz]

Dec 5, 2018 19:24:28 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Do not worry about turning 40.  It's just a number.  Nothing else says someone who is 67.

Yes, let DH handle it and hire what he can not do.  Even hire someone to clean your house.  

Wait...40 is old?
I'm 66 and I have a much younger lover!

[finnime]

Treading water now.

DD has a long way to go to become able to handle her own stuff, still just figuring out how to move ahead with being separated from her DH and denying she has a problem with bipolar. Me, I try to help but have not a lot of spoons. My doctor has diagnosed my depression as treatment-resistant, which I guess it is.

I did put up a wreath the other day on the front door. And DH made reservations at a hotel in NYC for Christmas night, which we'll spend with DS and his GF. It will be good to see him. This hotel will allow Franklin the Dog in too for no extra charge, which is amazing for NY.

Having trouble getting it together for Christmas otherwise. My big plan is to get everyone Bombas socks, which really are excellent. Except for great-nephew; for him, maybe match box trucks. He's 4. Not sure who I'll be seeing since we won't get up to Mass. until after Christmas. If I can get it together enough I'll mail presents ahead to my DSis, who will be hosting.

Heard from SSA, which wanted to know if I have physical disabilities, too. I have some arthritis in my knees and hands, but really my problem is mental. I'm afraid to hope for a good outcome here.

DH has not given up on me, so I'm grateful.

[buystoys]

Dec 6, 2018 8:19:45 GMT -5 finnime said:

Treading water now.

DD has a long way to go to become able to handle her own stuff, still just figuring out how to move ahead with being separated from her DH and denying she has a problem with bipolar. Me, I try to help but have not a lot of spoons. My doctor has diagnosed my depression as treatment-resistant, which I guess it is.

I did put up a wreath the other day on the front door. And DH made reservations at a hotel in NYC for Christmas night, which we'll spend with DS and his GF. It will be good to see him. This hotel will allow Franklin the Dog in too for no extra charge, which is amazing for NY.

Having trouble getting it together for Christmas otherwise. My big plan is to get everyone Bombas socks, which really are excellent. Except for great-nephew; for him, maybe match box trucks. He's 4. Not sure who I'll be seeing since we won't get up to Mass. until after Christmas. If I can get it together enough I'll mail presents ahead to my DSis, who will be hosting.

Heard from SSA, which wanted to know if I have physical disabilities, too. I have some arthritis in my knees and hands, but really my problem is mental. I'm afraid to hope for a good outcome here.

DH has not given up on me, so I'm grateful.

I would take that as good news.  They don't call you unless you have a "good" claim.  Keeping my fingers crossed for you!

[finnime]

Status of current application in SSA now reads: Your appeal is currently under review for processing accuracy. Once the review is complete, we will continue processing your appeal.

So as far as I can tell, my file was selected for audit. Oh, joy.

[buystoys]

Dec 8, 2018 6:48:37 GMT -5 finnime said:

Status of current application in SSA now reads: Your appeal is currently under review for processing accuracy. Once the review is complete, we will continue processing your appeal.

So as far as I can tell, my file was selected for audit. Oh, joy.

No, that's a good thing!  Mine said that as well while they were doing the determination of date of disability.  When I got that notice, the disability was already approved.  They just needed to determine the date.

On another note, I went to a rheumatologist yesterday.  Guess what?  I have fibromyalgia.  So, interesting question here:  did my PTSD create the fibromyalgia?  I know it doesn't really matter, but when I think of how many years I've had all this pain and it wasn't diagnosed, I'm just upset.  I've told every doctor I've seen for the last twenty years about it.  So now I'm on another medication.  The silver lining here is that all the SI Joint and hip pain I've had could be due to the fibromyalgia which means that I won't need to continue getting steroid injections in the SI Joints.  And I won't need to have another nerve ablation either.  Keeping my fingers crossed that the meds work.

[finnime]

buystoys, tahnk you. I'm heartened to hear you had the same message.

About your new diagnosis - it stinks to have spent such an incredibly long time waiting, but good to have something definitive. And treatable without a lot of interventions. I've read fibromyalgia is frequently undiagnosed and misdiagnosed for very long spans. It seems to be chiefly women who are not identified properly.

I hope your meds work for you.