Battling Depression

[buystoys]

Ava, I'm tagging you to this thread because we talk about our depression issues here.  You mentioned elsewhere that you had recently struggled with a depression episode.  You're welcome to come here if you need some virtual hugs!

[finnime]

I've passed from recurrent major depression without psychotic features to treatment-resistant recurrent major depression without psychotic features. I talked with my doctor about TMS and ECT. He has found ECT more efficacious with other patients who are inclined to try this treatment. TMS is a big commitment, 5 days a week for 6 weeks. ECT is more invasive. I'm not inclined to either, but want to have a good understanding of options if it comes to that.

Not to whine but I'm tired of feeling this way. A tactic we talked about is to deliberately refocus on the future when I feel really dragged down into the mire. Will try this for a couple of weeks and see if there's any difference.

[busymom]

Does exercise help you feel a bit better, finnime?  Since moving here, I've begun walking again with DS (when I'm not emptying boxes), and I find it does seem to improve my mood.  BTW, you ARE allowed to vent here.     That's what we're here for.

[buystoys]

It's cold, gray, and dreary here today.  I hurt and have not been in the greatest mood today.  I did, however, manage to color for a couple of hours.  That always helps when I choose something bright and cheery and then I need to focus on the picture to stay within the lines.  It makes me move my mind somewhere else.

Tomorrow is supposed to be the same type of weather, so I left the coloring supplies out.

[weltschmerz]

Nov 7, 2018 18:09:53 GMT -5 finnime said:

I've passed from recurrent major depression without psychotic features to treatment-resistant recurrent major depression without psychotic features. I talked with my doctor about TMS and ECT. He has found ECT more efficacious with other patients who are inclined to try this treatment. TMS is a big commitment, 5 days a week for 6 weeks. ECT is more invasive. I'm not inclined to either, but want to have a good understanding of options if it comes to that.

Not to whine but I'm tired of feeling this way. A tactic we talked about is to deliberately refocus on the future when I feel really dragged down into the mire. Will try this for a couple of weeks and see if there's any difference.

I was on the ECT team when I worked at the Montreal General Hospital.
The results were nothing short of miraculous.

[empress of self-improvement]

Today was nice and sunny. For the 3 hours I was awake to see it. Had a neuro appt. for me today. He increased my dosage for my sertraline. Maybe now I won't feel like beating DH so much anymore. He also mentioned there are medications I can talk to his neuro about for his personality changes because if something doesn't change, I don't know what will happen but it won't be pretty. Then went home and went right back to bed. Am glad I woke up when I did since my alarm clock was passed out in his wheelchair in the middle of the living room. Joy.

[finnime]

Exercise does help, busymom, just not enough. Honestly I wouldn't be here without adhering to a fairly strict schedule of physical effort. Mainly what I do is walk/run Franklin the Dog for a 2 - 3 miles a day. The fact that he needs this too also impels me to do it.

I exercise, eat as reasonably as I can when I can and try to get regular sleep - i often need help with that. My constellation of symptoms is definitely worse when these things are screwed up.

I am looking for a solution that will be effective and maintain its value for more than a few hours or a day.

I am still relying on my checklists to do the most basic things: take meds, walk dog, get dressed, eat a meal, get to appointment.
I can't read, still; nothing more than a paragraph. And the worst thing is I can't think. My thoughts are discontinuous, elusive, and disappear too quickly to be effective. The worst of it is thinking is my best thing.

I'm glad to hear of your promising experience with ECT, weltschmerz. My doctor has seen good results, too.

[finnime]

Glad you're getting the medical attention you need, too, empress of self-improvement.

[azucena]

At a routine follow up appt with my psychiatric nurse. Been waiting for over an hour, a good portion of which was spent in intake paperwork because she's in her third new office in less than a yr. It's darn near comical at this point because all 3 offices have been some kind of start ups. It's like a pop-up clinic or something. All 3 have been the same and within 2 miles of each other. Crappy new construction, bad paint, target desk and chairs, weird attempts at decor, new receptionists and no Internet or no medical record system. Med students filling out all the paperwork by hand.

She's fantastic at her job though and totally gets me so I'll happily follow her. She just should really hire a good business manager.

[finnime]

Sounds like she definitely needs an office manager, azucena. As long as "She's fantastic at her job though and totally gets me" you're in the right place.

I am very grateful for my psychiatrist. He does both cognitive therapy and pharmacotherapy, and he really understands. I've been seeing him for 17 years now. The only concern I have is that he's well into his 70's and I know he has no plans to retire, but eventually I'd think he has to. I don't think he's replaceable easily and maybe not at all.

[buystoys]

finnime, any news on your SSDI claim?  I was hoping you had heard by now.

[finnime]

No news yet. They did ask my psychiatrist for an additional assessment report. So that's good, I guess. I hope! Thanks for asking.

[Lizard Queen]

The weather and this time of year is just getting to me. I nearly cried a couple weeks ago during a job interview. The sky was exceptionally grey and cloudy, as has been most of November.

Plus, I'm in a foul mood today due to falling asleep at 1 am, and being awoken at 5 am by school closing alert phone calls & text. There was no good reason to close schools today, but I would have been fine with it if they hadn't woken up the whole house for the day. Passed out for a short nap this afternoon, and did a workout which I had been neglecting. Feeling a bit better now, but I have a lot to do and little will to do it.

[TheOtherMe]

The grey skies of a Midwest winter do a number on me.  The lamp I got for seasonal affective disorder really makes a difference.  There are a lot listed on Amazon.

I do feel my spirits go up when the sun shines.  

[Lizard Queen]

Thanks for the suggestion.  I checked out Amazon, until I came across a lamp that I already own!     I'll try it in the morning.  I don't want to screw up my circadian rhythm by using it too late in the evening.

[finnime]

November is hard on so many with depression. The speed with which the days shorten makes a huge difference on top of the graying weather.

Spent the holiday and weekend with my sister in Massachusetts, which was wonderful. I like the pale delicate watercolor look of the outdoors - it feels peaceful to me. But it was pitch black dark out at 5:00.

I'm glad the lamp helps you, TheOtherMe.

Lizard Queen, I find interrupted sleep (and most of my sleep is interrupted - a symptom) really cores out my energy. I struggle for the entire day trying to get things together.

I remember the first snow days being called so early it was crazy, but as the year went on the school system would grimly hang on to delayed openings until accumulation exceeded 6 inches. Next year, rinse and repeat. It was nice when kids got old enough to stay home on their own.

[empress of self-improvement]

I am going to need to look into one of those lamps for me. My doctor increased my Sertaline, not that it feels like it yet, but I have been soooo draggy and tired lately. I need to do something.

I don't know where those Massachusetts skies are that you were looking at finnime, but here, they just look like plain old crap. No delicate watercolors. Just very indelicate rain!!!

DH is being his usual pill self. He's passed out cold in his wheelchair right now. At least he put the seatbelt on! And put the cell phone way so I don't have to keep picking it up every 5 minutes.

I have had a large cup of coffee and 2 cups of tea. I am not feeling particularly wide awake. I need to pee every 5 minutes but that's about it! And I took an hour long nap a few hours ago. Guess that's what I get for actually getting out of bed early to get stuff done on my day off. then tomorrow I'm going to go find a medical supply place that's about 20 minutes away and see if I can pick up a couple of things for DH. Think they'd have tranquilizers darts? I need to knock his ass out so I can get him to a doctor to look at his leg.

[TheOtherMe]

The entire holiday season has always been hard for me.  When I was young, my grandma died on December 24.  When I was 18, my niece died on the Friday after Thanksgiving.  There have been a lot of deaths in my circle of family and friends from mid-November through the New Year.

I always find myself thinking about those people this time of year.  Some of the memories are wonderful, but some are difficult.  

[buystoys]

I understand how you feel, TheOtherMe.  My girlfriend was killed on December 1 and, even though it's been years since it happened, I slowly sink into a funk this time of year.  Then our friend and neighbor died on December 15 two years ago.  It seems like it was just yesterday that we were laughing with him. 

It's hard enough to stay "up" with the shorter days and gloomy weather. 

[TheOtherMe]

My best friend died on November 14.  We were 35.  That was a long time ago.  It doesn't matter.  I still mourn my loss.  That Christmas Eve was the first time I saw my mom cry.  I have never forgotten it.

[busymom]

I find myself dragging this time of the year, too.  What keeps me hopeful is that it's less than a month to the shortest day of the year, then the days will start to get longer again.  That's what I need.  More daylight.


I'm so sorry there are a number of you who have lost loved ones so close to the holidays.  

[TheOtherMe]

My half sister has a far worse time of grieving this time of year.  My niece was born on December 26, 1968.  She says she goes through a mourning period from Thanksgiving through Christmas every year all these years later.  A mother's worst nightmare.   

I'm home now and the sun is shining.  That does brighten up my day.  When I left the hotel, it was snowing.  

[finnime]

I'm sorry, TheOtherMe and all grieving during the holidays.

[empress of self-improvement]

I definitely know how you feel TheOtherMe . Thanksgiving Day (11/22) was the 15th anniversary of my father's death. Yeah, I had no interest in doing anything whatsoever on that day.


Oh, and my FIL died in December, I forget exact date, but I don't think DH really remembers. He knows he's gone but that is really all he remembers. I'm not sure who has the dementia anymore, DH or his mother. Because he is doing a damn good impression of it although I know MS does bring about cognitive issues. But flaming asshole? Nobody told me about THAT!!!

[finnime]

empress of self-improvement, do you think your meds have started to kick in? They could help with coping. I couldn't do what you do for as long as you've been doing it. Plus cognitive issues - didn't know MS brought those, too.

 to you.

[TheOtherMe]

empress of self-improvement   I had a rep payee client with MS.  She had cognitive issues.  She spent most of her life in a nursing home.  She was diagnosed at age 16.  Died at 65.  Most of her adult years were in a nursing home.

I don't know how you do what you do.  

[empress of self-improvement]

finnime-MS brings out ALL kinds of things. It can have cognitive issues, emotional issues and a buttload of other medical issues. It feels like he is starting to develop them all. Some days, I don't know how I do it either! Like today. For some reason he decided to be as annoying as possible and spend the morning dropping things about every 2 hours. Which wouldn't be too bad except then I wake up thinking he fell or something. Broken sleep is not my idea of a good time. And an excellent reason why I didn't drag my ass out of bed until 3.

I'm still waiting for my increased dosage to kick in. I actually ran out of the pills this morning so remembered to go pick them up. We shall see. I need to exercise more! Or sleep more! Or read more!

[empress of self-improvement]

Yeah, the depression or maybe just general pissiness is climbing. I got home from work on Thursday morning to find dumbass on the floor with his cellphone on the other side of the room. He has no idea how long he was there for. Too long since his leg was hurting him but it always hurts so that's not much of an indicator. Then he's just been generally snappy and snotty then sweet. He went out and bought me some Christmas presents last week and now wants to go buy me more. I'm starting to get a little nervous. I have this horrible feeling I'm going to be needing to call in the troops sooner rather than later. As it is, my stomach was in knots until I got home yesterday and this morning and made sure he wasn't on the floor with a broken hip or something. Bleah.

[finnime]

I don't really 'like' the content of your post, empress of self-improvement, but like you.

I'm sure you've been looking into this, but is there some way to have someone like a home health worker stop by every day you work, just to make sure he's not on the floor? My BFF's mother fell at one point and was unable to get up for 7 hours, which caused some permanent damage to her muscles and nerves. Your DH has enough to contend with physically without that.

Or can you talk him into calling the fire department when he can't get up? They'll come and help, then go away.

It's got to be so nerve-racking for you.

[buystoys]

Sending you hugs, empress of self-improvement.  I truly can't imagine just ow stressful this is for you.