Battling Depression

[finnime]

That's GREAT news buystoys! Good for you.

[finnime]

Interesting, what our futures may bring is unknown.


Future after depression

[buystoys]

Thanks for posting that finnime.  It's interesting to see that so little research has been done.

[finnime]

I suspect one major reason we don't have a lot of longitudinal studies on depression is that healthcare studies are mostly funded by big pharma, which is chiefly interested in proving just enough to get FDA approval for their latest treatments. Once they have that they don't have much motivation to keep looking.

That said, I am grateful we have treatments for this. I know in years past I'd have been hospitalized for months, given insulin shock treatments and/or shock treatments, or DH would have faced years of caring for me in the most basic ways. Now I can dress myself, make coffee or a sandwich, tie my shoes; type bytes into a magical internet and connect with invisible people who know what I mean.

[azucena]

Got a weird I love you and I'm sorry text from my little brother (LB1) after dinner last night after no contact (his choice) for at least 6 months; he's bipolar so unfortunately falls off the map often and then thinks I'm disappointed in him.  I of course responded asking if everything was ok and also checked with another brother (LB2) who got a similar text and thought it was odd too.  LB1 said he's breaking up with his live-in on/off again girlfriend and this will be the last time.  GF has her own home life issues, but I like her.  GF splits the rent and was helping him get more catering hours and has the car.

The texts left me unnerved so at 7 pm I headed downtown to find the bar where he works (he's been there 3 months).  LB2 offered to leave work early and go check on him but then I worried that we'd be caught discussing LB1.  Plus, I figured this was my chance to attempt to re-establish contact.  I can't remember the last time I've been in a bar much one downtown on a Thurs night no less.  He was stunned to see me walk in, hopefully in a good way.  We chatted a bit between customers and he hugged me twice.  He apologized again and I told him there was no need - I of all people get the depression part of checking out.  Told him my husband and kids don't hold hard feelings either - we all would just like to reconnect on his terms when he's ready.  I left at 9:30 because I didn't want to be walking back to my car much later than that, plus 30 minute drive back to the suburbs and work today.

He was living with my mom until about 6 months ago when he and GF moved in together downtown.  His living at home was mutually beneficial to my mom - he was helping out, she wasn't alone, etc so it was working.  He asked me to co-sign on his apt with monthly rent more than my mortgage with this surefire plan that GF would pay half.  Actually I guess that's the last time he called me.  I wanted to help but co-signing for a bad decision isn't the way so I turned him down as nicely as I could and said I have a family to support.  LB3 who is single and makes great money did end up co-signing for him.  We will see how that plays out.  LB1 says he still has a good savings account balance including the $12k we each inherited from my dad.

He quit a full time bartender gig with benefits about 3 months ago so I don't think he has health insurance which probably means he's off meds which makes the texts even scarier.  Like I told LB2 I'd rather overreact and show up than second guess myself, stay home, and he doesn't something stupid.  LB2 is going to make plans with him for Sat.  I told him to call me any time and offered to let him stay overnight when he's not working so he doesn't have to be alone.  Also said we'd help with rides if we could and say no if we can't.  LB2 and 3 will also be good for rides.

[buystoys]

I'm so sorry to read this, azucena!  Prayers for you and your brothers that you can all reconnect in a beneficial way.

[azucena]

Oct 26, 2018 8:39:03 GMT -5 buystoys said:

I'm so sorry to read this, azucena !  Prayers for you and your brothers that you can all reconnect in a beneficial way.

Thanks.  I'm close with the other 2 brothers and my sister.  It was also nice that when I showed DH the texts, he was like of course, go and just text me as you head home.  He's known my brother since LB1 was 5 yrs old and we used to designate days that he came to see me vs days that he came to play computer games and legos LOL.  DH has been upset that the relationship is so distant.  He continues to text LB1 at least monthly inviting him to various guy things but gets no response.  Last night LB1 acknowledged that not responding is awful and he hopes to do better.

[finnime]

Good that he's getting in touch, azucena. It does sound like he's in or heading to some troubled water. Bipolar is rough stuff especially untreated. I asked my doctor why it's so common people who are bipolar resist the diagnosis and treatment. He replied that they often lack insight. That applies to my DD.

It's great you have a close family that cares so much about your LDB1. Best to you.

[buystoys]

Since I've complained so much about NOT feeling right, I wanted to share the fact that today is a good day.  I saw my therapist, everything was positive, and it just feels like my meds are dialed in.  I'm prepared for tomorrow to be difficult due to nasty weather coming in and how that impacts me both physically and emotionally. 

Today, though, is a GOOD day!

[finnime]

I am so glad for the gift you got, buystoys, of a good day.

[finnime]

Have you ever had TMS or EST as treatment for depression?

I saw an ad for Neurostar and began wondering. Part of me is frightened by the possibility of physical damage to the brain, yet I also know these can help some people. Sometimes it is appealing: a magic bullet. But the literature doesn't show any real understanding of how these work if they do work. And unlike meds you can't just undo by stopping the treatment. Physical changes apparently do occur.

[buystoys]

I've never considered it because physical changes can/do occur.  That scares me when there's not some real strong scientific background to support it. 

[finnime]

I feel like so much of treatment is truly a venture into the unknown. For meds, "the mechanism by which xxx works is not fully understood..." TMS does seem less scary and also sketchier - like wearing copper for arthritis. Placebo effect is so compelling that it compares favorably to angioplasty for reducing deaths and debility.

But I do understand so well the desperation that leads people to try things. When you have nothing to lose, why not? 

[TheOtherMe]

A reporter for the newspaper in the capital of my state recently completed his second round of TMS treatments.  His description of the treatments scare me out of my mind but he believes it changes his thought process.  He is hoping this round of treatment works as long as the 1st round did for him.

He is very brave to share his battle with depression publicly.

[azucena]

Too many unknowns with that type of treatment for me.  But, then again, I'm functioning pretty well with meds, so I might have a different view if I had a different struggle.

I try not to fixate on probably being on meds forever.  It bothers me that these meds haven't been around long enough for long term studies.

[buystoys]

azucena, I accept that I'll be on meds for a long time, possibly the rest of my life.  Right now, though, I'm on 7 different meds.  I do hope to reduce that number.

finnime, I just don't know if I could do the treatments.  It makes me shudder to think about it!

[finnime]

I'm on 6 meds myself. They do help. I get out of bed every day and have not done something I'd really regret in my right mind. But sometimes I wish for something that would work and stay working for a time - even 6 months or a year would be wonderful. No tweaking meds, no new symptoms, no bad days/weeks, for an entire year.

A girl can always dream.

[finnime]

Anne_in_VA, I'm tagging you because I think this thread might be useful to you. We're all fighting the good fight here.

[buystoys]

Is anyone else feeling "fragile" about the holidays?  I know I did last year and, even though we're not going to see any family from either side, I'm still a little anxious this year.  DH and I will have a nice time alone, but I guess I think he's just doing that to appease my insecurities.  I shouldn't read anything into his actions, I know. 

I will say, though, that it won't hurt my feelings at all to have nothing to do with my toxic mother and brother.

[TheOtherMe]

buystoys  I feel "fragile" every year around the holidays.  It's one of many reasons I choose to spend them alone.  I spent them alone when I lived in Denver and actually enjoyed it.  When I moved here, I tried to enjoy going to my sister's house.  Then it became a big deal for her to even invite me.  If I am going to be a burden, I put myself in charge and don't plan on going and do not accept last minute invites.

She invited me to one holiday meal the night before and expected me to bring something.  

[empress of self-improvement]

I'll be feeling fragile on Thanksgiving because it is the date of my father's death 15 years ago. I'm sure I wouldn't fall apart if it had been a more expected thing but it wasn't. Massive heart attack out of nowhere and I found him. Hell, I still feel guilty every once in a while that I didn't call him the night before like I usually do. I was home sick in bed so figured I'd just see him the next day when I do his grocery shopping. Yeah, that didn't happen.

Christmas? Meh. I'll be working and my sister and I don't do anything with each other. DH's family does a family party on a Saturday before Christmas but with all that's been going on this year, I just have absolutely no desire to go. DH, of course, wants nothing to do with leaving the house anyway. Plus it's the busy season for work so I'm debating telling them I can't get it off. Even with a month's notice. That and I'm hoping to be in another job closer to home. I need to be closer right now.

[empress of self-improvement]

TheOtherMe-I'm sorry TheO. Your sister is a pill. She makes mine look like a sweetheart.

[weltschmerz]

Nov 4, 2018 18:15:40 GMT -5 empress of self-improvement said:

I'll be feeling fragile on Thanksgiving because it is the date of my father's death 15 years ago. I'm sure I wouldn't fall apart if it had been a more expected thing but it wasn't. Massive heart attack out of nowhere and I found him. Hell, I still feel guilty every once in a while that I didn't call him the night before like I usually do. I was home sick in bed so figured I'd just see him the next day when I do his grocery shopping. Yeah, that didn't happen.

Christmas? Meh. I'll be working and my sister and I don't do anything with each other. DH's family does a family party on a Saturday before Christmas but with all that's been going on this year, I just have absolutely no desire to go. DH, of course, wants nothing to do with leaving the house anyway. Plus it's the busy season for work so I'm debating telling them I can't get it off. Even with a month's notice. That and I'm hoping to be in another job closer to home. I need to be closer right now.

My father had a massive heart attack about 10 years ago, at a 50th anniversary party my sister and I threw for my parents. He didn't want to tell anyone that he was feeling sick and spoil the party.
He didn't survive. 
Mom died shorty after.
Yeah, sometimes life blows.

[Artemis Windsong]

A friend has just finished with about 2 months of off her meds, breaking up with live-in boyfriend then quit her 5 year job because of a guy that touches her inappropriately.  Then the manager did not believe her.  And the hassle of job hunting.  She needs benefits. Whew.

I'm sure being the supervisor of someone who is battling mental issues would be challenging.  Her BF and employer could see when anxiety issues kicked in.  BF tells her not to pull others into their issues so no contact is not hurtful but concerning.

I'll see what happens this week.  She wants to have coffee between applications.   

[busymom]

I'm so sorry empress of self-improvement.  I don't know if this will help, but my Mom died very suddenly, too.  I usually stopped at the nursing home to see her before church, but didn't the day she died.  I'd planned to see her after lunch that day instead, & got the call shortly after the kids & I got home from church that she'd collapsed, & was unresponsive.  None of us knows when our family will leave us, and while I do feel some guilt, I know my Mom wouldn't want me to feel badly, and I don't think your Dad would, either.     And weltschmerz, I'm so sorry you lost your Dad during what should have been a happy occasion.


As much I as I do like the change in time (and an extra hour of sleep), I really DON'T like how dark it is now by 5 pm.  I prefer daylight.  I am thankful Christmas is so close to the shortest day of the year, because it gives me something to look forward to.  I should look into one of those special lights, to see if it would improve my mood.  Except for Thanksgiving & Christmas, I could do without most of November & December.  

[weltschmerz]

Nov 4, 2018 19:06:04 GMT -5 busymom said:

I'm so sorry empress of self-improvement .  I don't know if this will help, but my Mom died very suddenly, too.  I usually stopped at the nursing home to see her before church, but didn't the day she died.  I'd planned to see her after lunch that day instead, & got the call shortly after the kids & I got home from church that she'd collapsed, & was unresponsive.  None of us knows when our family will leave us, and while I do feel some guilt, I know my Mom wouldn't want me to feel badly, and I don't think your Dad would, either.     And weltschmerz , I'm so sorry you lost your Dad during what should have been a happy occasion.


As much I as I do like the change in time (and an extra hour of sleep), I really DON'T like how dark it is now by 5 pm.  I prefer daylight.  I am thankful Christmas is so close to the shortest day of the year, because it gives me something to look forward to.  I should look into one of those special lights, to see if it would improve my mood.  Except for Thanksgiving & Christmas, I could do without most of November & December.  

I often wonder if he'd still be around if it wasn't for that stupid party.
He would have told us he was feeling unwell, and we could have gotten him to the hospital in time.
It haunts me.

[busymom]

Nov 4, 2018 19:13:26 GMT -5 weltschmerz said:

Nov 4, 2018 19:06:04 GMT -5 busymom said:

I'm so sorry empress of self-improvement .  I don't know if this will help, but my Mom died very suddenly, too.  I usually stopped at the nursing home to see her before church, but didn't the day she died.  I'd planned to see her after lunch that day instead, & got the call shortly after the kids & I got home from church that she'd collapsed, & was unresponsive.  None of us knows when our family will leave us, and while I do feel some guilt, I know my Mom wouldn't want me to feel badly, and I don't think your Dad would, either.     And weltschmerz , I'm so sorry you lost your Dad during what should have been a happy occasion.


As much I as I do like the change in time (and an extra hour of sleep), I really DON'T like how dark it is now by 5 pm.  I prefer daylight.  I am thankful Christmas is so close to the shortest day of the year, because it gives me something to look forward to.  I should look into one of those special lights, to see if it would improve my mood.  Except for Thanksgiving & Christmas, I could do without most of November & December.  

I often wonder if he'd still be around if it wasn't for that stupid party.
He would have told us he was feeling unwell, and we could have gotten him to the hospital in time.
It haunts me.

    He sounds a bit like my own Dad.  Dad & Mom used to go for walks together, for exercise. He was feeling mild chest pains during their walking time, & didn't tell my Mom about it for weeks.     He ended up having bypass surgery.

[finnime]

This is sad, that we have this in common: my father died of a massive heart attack at age 60, on Father's Day, in the morning before I'd called him. I was living in Virginia at the time; he and my mother lived in Massachusetts. The shock of his death reverberates still with my siblings and me. Our mother died 10 years later to the day, of sepsis from cirrhosis. I miss her and him very much.

For the holidays thsi year I'm planning on going to my DSis's in Massachusetts on the day of. One thing that happened after my father's death especially is that we siblings became even closer. So Thanksgiving will be a day I expect to enjoy. Christmas - I don't know. I'd like to go to NYC on Christmas Day and spend it with DS24. Maybe go on to Massachusetts after that. It seems complicated and that makes me feel anxious and down, too. And I feel so unready for a new year. This one I feel like I've just blown, struggling with this bout of depression. And I worry about my DD and how she'll fare, too.

[empress of self-improvement]

Nov 4, 2018 20:34:25 GMT -5 finnime said:

This is sad, that we have this in common: my father died of a massive heart attack at age 60, on Father's Day, in the morning before I'd called him. I was living in Virginia at the time; he and my mother lived in Massachusetts. The shock of his death reverberates still with my siblings and me. Our mother died 10 years later to the day, of sepsis from cirrhosis. I miss her and him very much.

For the holidays thsi year I'm planning on going to my DSis's in Massachusetts on the day of. One thing that happened after my father's death especially is that we siblings became even closer. So Thanksgiving will be a day I expect to enjoy. Christmas - I don't know. I'd like to go to NYC on Christmas Day and spend it with DS24. Maybe go on to Massachusetts after that. It seems complicated and that makes me feel anxious and down, too. And I feel so unready for a new year. This one I feel like I've just blown, struggling with this bout of depression. And I worry about my DD and how she'll fare, too.

Whereabouts in MA? I'm northwest of Boston and would be more than happy to meet you as you go on by. Think happy thoughts of meeting me!!!!

My sister and I were never close to begin with and still aren't, really. We chat once in a while, usually when I need tech help from her husband and maybe lunch once in every great moon but that's about it. She's too lazy and I'm too stressed to do anything more.

[empress of self-improvement]

Nov 4, 2018 20:03:21 GMT -5 busymom said:

Nov 4, 2018 19:13:26 GMT -5 weltschmerz said:

I often wonder if he'd still be around if it wasn't for that stupid party.
He would have told us he was feeling unwell, and we could have gotten him to the hospital in time.
It haunts me.

    He sounds a bit like my own Dad.  Dad & Mom used to go for walks together, for exercise. He was feeling mild chest pains during their walking time, & didn't tell my Mom about it for weeks.     He ended up having bypass surgery.

I have been told that my father had been fine, at least during the day. My SIL's uncle was a teacher at the same school and they had some sort of meeting that day and he had been his usual self. He's had previous heart attacks so knew the signs. I don't know. I just don't know.