Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Nov 7, 2017 18:58:27 GMT -5
30 miles from her old house and still 600 miles away from her only child (DH).
You guys knew it was just waaaay too quiet around my house and that we needed some drama from her.
Those of you in the greater Portland OR area don't be anywhere NEAR a large silver Lexus SUV full of dogs driven by an angry old lady as she insists she can still keep driving to all of her old doctors and service providers.
You have been warned!
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Nov 7, 2017 19:25:53 GMT -5
Oh oh oh Bonny - I have major feels for your situation
Remind me again that you did *NOT* become her fiduciary or conservator, so that when she maims or kills someone with her car you will not be the down-line deep pocket . . . .
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dee27
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Post by dee27 on Nov 7, 2017 19:35:56 GMT -5
30 miles from her old house and still 600 miles away from her only child (DH).
You guys knew it was just waaaay too quiet around my house and that we needed some drama from her.
Those of you in the greater Portland OR area don't be anywhere NEAR a large silver Lexus SUV full of dogs driven by an angry old lady as she insists she can still keep driving to all of her old doctors and service providers.
You have been warned! Yikes! It is time for MIL to go to assisted living although she said never.
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lynnerself
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Post by lynnerself on Nov 7, 2017 20:13:44 GMT -5
She's in Portland? You need to clue her in to the extremely popular "tiny house " trend there.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Nov 7, 2017 20:19:59 GMT -5
Oh oh oh Bonny - I have major feels for your situation
Remind me again that you did *NOT* become her fiduciary or conservator, so that when she maims or kills someone with her car you will not be the down-line deep pocket . . . .
We have POAs. Not quite ready for the incompetency hearings....
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Nov 7, 2017 20:21:34 GMT -5
30 miles from her old house and still 600 miles away from her only child (DH).
You guys knew it was just waaaay too quiet around my house and that we needed some drama from her.
Those of you in the greater Portland OR area don't be anywhere NEAR a large silver Lexus SUV full of dogs driven by an angry old lady as she insists she can still keep driving to all of her old doctors and service providers.
You have been warned! Yikes! It is time for MIL to go to assisted living although she said never. We're pretty sure she would get kicked out. She's not exactly cooperative.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Nov 7, 2017 20:24:05 GMT -5
She's in Portland? You need to clue her in to the extremely popular "tiny house " trend there. Lol, that's for "other people".
She's in 2,999 2 level square feet. The "new" house is almost 3,500 sq.ft. also 2 level.
Logic, logic, we don't need no stinkin' logic!
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lynnerself
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Post by lynnerself on Nov 7, 2017 20:28:25 GMT -5
My DD is in Portland. She is shocked that my desired downsize retirement house needs to be about 1800 SF.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Nov 7, 2017 21:01:45 GMT -5
My DD is in Portland. She is shocked that my desired downsize retirement house needs to be about 1800 SF. Mine is 1500. 3/2, LV/DR combo, FR, laundry in house, Single level 5000 sq.ft. lot with a view. Walkable to all.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2017 21:44:19 GMT -5
I'm sorry Bonny. There's just some stuff you can't make sense of or fix.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Nov 7, 2017 21:53:29 GMT -5
Wow! I thought housing was really expensive in Portland. Can she afford this new adventure, or is she expecting her son (and you) to help?
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Regis
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Post by Regis on Nov 8, 2017 8:07:48 GMT -5
Maybe she's got an idea that she'll rent out rooms on Airbnb?
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Nov 8, 2017 11:01:04 GMT -5
She's in Portland? You need to clue her in to the extremely popular "tiny house " trend there. Lol, that's for "other people".
She's in 2,999 2 level square feet. The "new" house is almost 3,500 sq.ft. also 2 level.
Logic, logic, we don't need no stinkin' logic!
WTF? At least tell me the master bedroom is downstairs...It is just her, right? I have 1418 sq feet and live alone. I wouldn't want anything larger.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Nov 8, 2017 11:03:46 GMT -5
Wow! I thought housing was really expensive in Portland. Can she afford this new adventure, or is she expecting her son (and you) to help?
MIL has plenty of money which ironically is kind of a problem. If she didn't have money it would limit some of her options.
She's ready to move and I don't think we can stop her. And the houses she's looking at are much nicer than what's she's in. The issue for us is we think she should be simplifying and downsizing (she complains incessantly about how much her current house costs) and she's not going to accomplish what we think are her biggest issues which is she needs to be closer to us and she needs to be in a sunnier and milder climate.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Nov 8, 2017 11:06:50 GMT -5
Lol, that's for "other people".
She's in 2,999 2 level square feet. The "new" house is almost 3,500 sq.ft. also 2 level.
Logic, logic, we don't need no stinkin' logic!
WTF? At least tell me the master bedroom is downstairs...It is just her, right? I have 1418 sq feet and live alone. I wouldn't want anything larger. It is.
One of the scarier aspects is this plan to move her current care taker and her family into the house in 10 years "when she'll need them full time". "This will take me off of your hands".
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WholeLottaNothin
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Post by WholeLottaNothin on Nov 8, 2017 11:29:55 GMT -5
Have you found any houses nearer to you that you could show her to maybe entice her to think about moving closer? It has to be very frustrating to have to witness her looking at something even bigger than what she already has. We have 4 people in like 1200 square feet and it is fine. I wouldn't want to clean a house that big.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Nov 8, 2017 11:59:19 GMT -5
Wow! I thought housing was really expensive in Portland. Can she afford this new adventure, or is she expecting her son (and you) to help?
MIL has plenty of money which ironically is kind of a problem. If she didn't have money it would limit some of her options.
She's ready to move and I don't think we can stop her. And the houses she's looking at are much nicer than what's she's in. The issue for us is we think she should be simplifying and downsizing (she complains incessantly about how much her current house costs) and she's not going to accomplish what we think are her biggest issues which is she needs to be closer to us and she needs to be in a sunnier and milder climate.
Appreciating my MIL more and more. She sold her 2600 sq ft house in Vancouver for $1.8 million and bought a 900 sq ft condo for about half that. The condo gives her access to a multitude of restaurants and shopping that she can walk to, when she needs to give up her car (which is likely fairly soon, she has had a fender bender about every 6 months). Most importantly, the condo has about 1/20th the crap in it that her house did. /not helpful.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Nov 8, 2017 13:06:08 GMT -5
MIL has plenty of money which ironically is kind of a problem. If she didn't have money it would limit some of her options.
She's ready to move and I don't think we can stop her. And the houses she's looking at are much nicer than what's she's in. The issue for us is we think she should be simplifying and downsizing (she complains incessantly about how much her current house costs) and she's not going to accomplish what we think are her biggest issues which is she needs to be closer to us and she needs to be in a sunnier and milder climate.
Appreciating my MIL more and more. She sold her 2600 sq ft house in Vancouver for $1.8 million and bought a 900 sq ft condo for about half that. The condo gives her access to a multitude of restaurants and shopping that she can walk to, when she needs to give up her car (which is likely fairly soon, she has had a fender bender about every 6 months). Most importantly, the condo has about 1/20th the crap in it that her house did. /not helpful. Gives her something to hope and dream for.
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Nov 8, 2017 13:24:54 GMT -5
WTF? At least tell me the master bedroom is downstairs...It is just her, right? I have 1418 sq feet and live alone. I wouldn't want anything larger. It is.
One of the scarier aspects is this plan to move her current care taker and her family into the house in 10 years "when she'll need them full time". "This will take me off of your hands".
It sounds like she enjoys the drama of it all. Make you travel to her, help with upkeep or needing to relocate again, constant reassurance that she isn't a burden. I wonder how happy she would be if you 100% supported her plans and told her that's great that she'll have more space and hired help because it's getting too difficult for you.
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tskeeter
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Post by tskeeter on Nov 8, 2017 14:34:37 GMT -5
WTF? At least tell me the master bedroom is downstairs...It is just her, right? I have 1418 sq feet and live alone. I wouldn't want anything larger. It is.
One of the scarier aspects is this plan to move her current care taker and her family into the house in 10 years "when she'll need them full time". "This will take me off of your hands".
Of course, your dear MIL is aware that in OR, that plan might give the caretaker squatter’s rights to MIL’s home, right? Folks in Dad’s Milwaukee, OR church allowed a homeless family who were members of the church to move into a building at their summer camp for the winter. With the understanding that the guests would move out in the spring. When it came time to open the camp for the summer, the guests were notified that it was time to make other living arrangements. The guests response was to tell the camp owners that under OR law, the guests had acquired squatters rights to the property and that they didn’t plan to move. The camp owners consulted with a real estate attorney and learned that their guests were correct. The guest’s occupation of the building over the winter had given them legal control of the property. The camp owners ended up paying their guests thousands of dollars to vacate the camp. No good deed goes unpunished?
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Nov 8, 2017 18:57:40 GMT -5
Have you found any houses nearer to you that you could show her to maybe entice her to think about moving closer? It has to be very frustrating to have to witness her looking at something even bigger than what she already has. We have 4 people in like 1200 square feet and it is fine. I wouldn't want to clean a house that big. We're on the SF Peninsula. A 1957 1100 sq.ft. house that's been cleaned up sells for close to $1M. These beautiful 3000-3500 square houses (10 years old) are listed between $550k-$625k.
We mentioned that there might be an opportunity to buy a house nearby and completely rehab it so she'd have a nearly new house but she's already said that she won't by a sh*t shack.
It's apparent that she will only "move up" and apparently the other things like the weather, issues with S.A.D, and being closer to her son are not as important as getting her money's worth.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Nov 8, 2017 19:03:36 GMT -5
It is.
One of the scarier aspects is this plan to move her current care taker and her family into the house in 10 years "when she'll need them full time". "This will take me off of your hands".
It sounds like she enjoys the drama of it all. Make you travel to her, help with upkeep or needing to relocate again, constant reassurance that she isn't a burden. I wonder how happy she would be if you 100% supported her plans and told her that's great that she'll have more space and hired help because it's getting too difficult for you. So.Tempting.
We had the conversation this morning and I told her "Fine. It's your money and your choice. You get to live with consequences of your decision".
I told DH that if she moves closer to the caregiver that I give it less than six months before the caregiver quits because of the abuse. The caregiver and her SO will be on call 24/7 and will no longer have the excuse of the 30+ minute drive across town.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Nov 8, 2017 19:09:18 GMT -5
It is.
One of the scarier aspects is this plan to move her current care taker and her family into the house in 10 years "when she'll need them full time". "This will take me off of your hands".
Of course, your dear MIL is aware that in OR, that plan might give the caretaker squatter’s rights to MIL’s home, right? Folks in Dad’s Milwaukee, OR church allowed a homeless family who were members of the church to move into a building at their summer camp for the winter. With the understanding that the guests would move out in the spring. When it came time to open the camp for the summer, the guests were notified that it was time to make other living arrangements. The guests response was to tell the camp owners that under OR law, the guests had acquired squatters rights to the property and that they didn’t plan to move. The camp owners consulted with a real estate attorney and learned that their guests were correct. The guest’s occupation of the building over the winter had given them legal control of the property. The camp owners ended up paying their guests thousands of dollars to vacate the camp. No good deed goes unpunished? That's very interesting. I'll need to follow up on that. We asked MIL "so what are the expectations of caretaker's family? Are they going to pay rent? What happens when you pass on?" She says she hasn't thought about that.
DH is convinced that caretaker's BF thinks he's going to get a free ride out this arrangement. He has NO idea. No one, I mean no one can live with her. She's tried having a boarder in the house before and it didn't even last a week.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Nov 8, 2017 19:11:41 GMT -5
is she moving far from an airport, or is she moving to Eugene or someplace DH can still fly to easily? Just to McMinnville so still PDX, just further than L.O.
DH said he won't visit if the family is living there. It's the two adults, three children and his mother all living together.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Nov 8, 2017 19:37:06 GMT -5
It is.
One of the scarier aspects is this plan to move her current care taker and her family into the house in 10 years "when she'll need them full time". "This will take me off of your hands".
Of course, your dear MIL is aware that in OR, that plan might give the caretaker squatter’s rights to MIL’s home, right? Folks in Dad’s Milwaukee, OR church allowed a homeless family who were members of the church to move into a building at their summer camp for the winter. With the understanding that the guests would move out in the spring. When it came time to open the camp for the summer, the guests were notified that it was time to make other living arrangements. The guests response was to tell the camp owners that under OR law, the guests had acquired squatters rights to the property and that they didn’t plan to move. The camp owners consulted with a real estate attorney and learned that their guests were correct. The guest’s occupation of the building over the winter had given them legal control of the property. The camp owners ended up paying their guests thousands of dollars to vacate the camp. No good deed goes unpunished? OK so I looked it up. One only acquires "squatter's right" via a claim of adverse possession. One of the requirements is 10 years of continuous tenancy so that's obviously not the case in your friend's situation.
What happened is that your friend's guests acquired a tenancy in the property (even though they weren't paying rent). Your friend had to start a formal eviction process which could have lasted months. I'm guessing your friends did a "cash for keys" arrangement to get them out quickly.
But your story is important and relevant to MIL. If she lets these folks move in they will have acquired tenant status. If she flies into one of her rages and wants them gone she's going to have a big problem.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Nov 9, 2017 10:23:49 GMT -5
What’s up with the caretakers? Are they encouraging her attitude for money? When DHs grandmother started to lose her memory her caretakers took advantage of her and stole money. They also tried to discourage contact with family IIRC. It makes no sense to move an elderly person that far out. The caretakers live in McMinnville (renters) and are close to their extended family. MIL sees she can move out there and get a bigger new home for less money than L.O. and if she's closer to the caretaker, the caretaker will help her on the weekends. What MIL doesn't acknowledge is that she has a real issue with boundaries and she will abuse that relationship too, if she's that close.
We believe the female caretaker is truly kind and means well. But there was already an issue with her sister a couple years back who stole and cashed a $500 check from MIL. This was back when the two sisters were just cleaning. That sister was fired but the other one has become MIL's caretaker. (Remember no training and an illegal immigrant).
DH is concerned about the intentions of the boyfriend and baby daddy of the caretaker's youngest, now almost 3 year old child. Apparently the boyfriend has done some work around the house for MIL but neither one of us has met him. MIL believes that if she moves closer to them they can both help her more often.
This situation is so ripe for abuse it's not funny. But we both know that trying to help someone like MIL is an exercise in frustration. You try to point out the issues and suggest alternatives, they are going to do what they are going to do and then you're expect to bail them out of their self-created crisis. Rinse and repeat!
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snapdragon
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Post by snapdragon on Nov 9, 2017 11:00:19 GMT -5
I can so sympathize with what you both are going through Bonny.
With Mom living where she was at there was financial abuse and I am sure there was other things that happened that I don't know about. I kept asking her to sell her place and move into a apartment for her ease and she just refused to even think about making it easier for herself. She couldn't give up any of her space (when she was basically trapped in her living room due to mobility issues) or any of her things. When she passed over 95% of her stuff was sold.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Nov 9, 2017 11:02:14 GMT -5
What’s up with the caretakers? Are they encouraging her attitude for money? When DHs grandmother started to lose her memory her caretakers took advantage of her and stole money. They also tried to discourage contact with family IIRC. It makes no sense to move an elderly person that far out. The caretakers live in McMinnville (renters) and are close to their extended family. MIL sees she can move out there and get a bigger new home for less money than L.O. and if she's closer to the caretaker, the caretaker will help her on the weekends. What MIL doesn't acknowledge is that she has a real issue with boundaries and she will abuse that relationship too, if she's that close.
We believe the female caretaker is truly kind and means well. But there was already an issue with her sister a couple years back who stole and cashed a $500 check from MIL. This was back when the two sisters were just cleaning. That sister was fired but the other one has become MIL's caretaker. (Remember no training and an illegal immigrant).
DH is concerned about the intentions of the boyfriend and baby daddy of the caretaker's youngest, now almost 3 year old child. Apparently the boyfriend has done some work around the house for MIL but neither one of us has met him. MIL believes that if she moves closer to them they can both help her more often.
This situation is so ripe for abuse it's not funny. But we both know that trying to help someone like MIL is an exercise in frustration. You try to point out the issues and suggest alternatives, they are going to do what they are going to do and then you're expect to bail them out of their self-created crisis. Rinse and repeat!
Oh, wow...this sounds like a trainwreck just waiting to happen. She would be better off paying for a nice assisted living facility.
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saveinla
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Post by saveinla on Nov 9, 2017 12:01:25 GMT -5
What happens if you agree with her and emphasize that it is a very good deal? Will she be contrary enough to not do it? Sometimes agreeing with them makes them not do it.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Nov 9, 2017 15:05:22 GMT -5
The caretakers live in McMinnville (renters) and are close to their extended family. MIL sees she can move out there and get a bigger new home for less money than L.O. and if she's closer to the caretaker, the caretaker will help her on the weekends. What MIL doesn't acknowledge is that she has a real issue with boundaries and she will abuse that relationship too, if she's that close.
We believe the female caretaker is truly kind and means well. But there was already an issue with her sister a couple years back who stole and cashed a $500 check from MIL. This was back when the two sisters were just cleaning. That sister was fired but the other one has become MIL's caretaker. (Remember no training and an illegal immigrant).
DH is concerned about the intentions of the boyfriend and baby daddy of the caretaker's youngest, now almost 3 year old child. Apparently the boyfriend has done some work around the house for MIL but neither one of us has met him. MIL believes that if she moves closer to them they can both help her more often.
This situation is so ripe for abuse it's not funny. But we both know that trying to help someone like MIL is an exercise in frustration. You try to point out the issues and suggest alternatives, they are going to do what they are going to do and then you're expect to bail them out of their self-created crisis. Rinse and repeat!
Oh, wow...this sounds like a trainwreck just waiting to happen. She would be better off paying for a nice assisted living facility. Agreed. And possibly cheaper as well as a whole lot less stressful.
But she won't move into assisted living. She's so demanding and sometimes violent that we think she might get kicked out. And then there's the three dogs that she keeps replacing...
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