gacpa
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Post by gacpa on Sept 28, 2017 10:53:41 GMT -5
I know I am too old to let her bother me. I have made great strides in learning to control my temper thanks to my husband and my son. But she pushes my buttons like nobody else can. I lose my cool every time. I need help learning how to not let her upset me. If any of you have been in this situation with a parent, any words of advice?
She is my mother and I want to have a good relationship with her. Walking away just is not an option for me. She is almost 80 and I should know better than to let her upset me. It almost seems she goes out of her way to say something she knows will upset me. Like she is trying to pick a fight. If she would just keep things light and pleasant now, I could let the past go, but she seems determined to keep trying to upset me.
Maybe she does not know any better? Or does it entertain her to see me upset? Some people have to always be stirring up something, and maybe this is her. I don't know. I need advice. Nobody can set me off any quicker than her.
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haapai
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Post by haapai on Sept 28, 2017 11:10:14 GMT -5
If she's been like this your entire life, you probably already know that it isn't you.
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haapai
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Post by haapai on Sept 28, 2017 11:16:35 GMT -5
Sorry about editing my prior post. Upon second thought, it seemed reckless to assume that she'd been like this your entire life.
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tskeeter
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Post by tskeeter on Sept 28, 2017 11:19:44 GMT -5
Yes, people do pick fights. Sometimes to amuse themselves. Sometimes for other reasons.
I remember being fairly recently married and DW getting on my case, spoiling for a fight. I laughed (dangerous move) and told her that she wasn’t mad at me and that I wasn’t going to fight with her. Well, she was mad about something, but it had nothing to do with me. She was mad at someone else, or she was mad at the world, but it wasn’t me. So, what was the point of fighting? I certainly wasn’t going to be able to fix whatever she was mad about.
Is it possible that your Mom is frustrated or angry about something that has nothing to do with you? And, since she can’t engage with the source of her unhappiness, you become a convenient target? Especially since she knows exactly what buttons to push to get you going. (I saw my Mom attempt to do this with my BIL after her health had begun to decline. Taking her frustration about her physical limitations out on my BIL.). Your Mom may feel a need to engage in conflict and if she can create conflict with you, her need gets met.
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gacpa
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Post by gacpa on Sept 28, 2017 11:20:06 GMT -5
Thanks, haapai. I think this may be the problem. I keep trying to distance myself from her in the sense that I don't want her input in making my decisions, how I spend my money or live my life. I do try to have a relationship with her, a mother-daughter relationship not motivated by control or money. I can take care of myself. It seems she wants to have control over me in some way. I can't let that happen or we can have a mother daughter relationship. If I were a teenager, I could see the conflict, but I am in my mid 50's and way too old for her to be trying to assert her control over me.
She could live to be 100 or one of us could go tomorrow. I don't understand why she has to always be stirring up something. Isn't getting along, being together and having a good relationship at this stage in life enough? I've specifically told her (less than a week ago) that I just want to have a good relationship with her and peace between us. I am willing to let all else go, yet she won't shut up and keeps trying to poke the bear (me).
I have to figure out some way to not let her bother me. I don't think she can stop herself.
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gacpa
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Post by gacpa on Sept 28, 2017 11:21:54 GMT -5
Thanks, tskeeter. I know I am not alone with this issue.
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haapai
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Post by haapai on Sept 28, 2017 11:24:03 GMT -5
It's not too late in the game to consider therapy for yourself. This is particularly true if you're being shoved into a care-taking role after a long time of maintaining your distance. The skills required to keep an elderly and possibly frail "pot-stirrer" from driving you nuts are different from what you had to draw on to keep the independent, middle-aged one from doing so.
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gacpa
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Post by gacpa on Sept 28, 2017 12:02:37 GMT -5
I have thought I needed therapy for years. Turns out getting older has helped my attitude and temper. However, I have never had an easy time dealing with her. I thought that would change once we both got older but it is not. I thought losing my dad would slow her down, but it seems to have escalated her behavior. My husband and son and my sister's husband can handle her without losing their cool. She turns me and my sister into raving lunatics. Yep, maybe I should talk to someone.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Sept 28, 2017 12:06:48 GMT -5
Thanks, haapai. I think this may be the problem. I keep trying to distance myself from her in the sense that I don't want her input in making my decisions, how I spend my money or live my life. I do try to have a relationship with her, a mother-daughter relationship not motivated by control or money. I can take care of myself. It seems she wants to have control over me in some way. I can't let that happen or we can have a mother daughter relationship. If I were a teenager, I could see the conflict, but I am in my mid 50's and way too old for her to be trying to assert her control over me. She could live to be 100 or one of us could go tomorrow. I don't understand why she has to always be stirring up something. Isn't getting along, being together and having a good relationship at this stage in life enough? I've specifically told her (less than a week ago) that I just want to have a good relationship with her and peace between us. I am willing to let all else go, yet she won't shut up and keeps trying to poke the bear (me). I have to figure out some way to not let her bother me. I don't think she can stop herself. Good luck to you in doing that. It's easier said than done. I hate it when people say "just don't let it upset you" as if it's as easy as that. I want to smack them because to me, that is as stupid as "don't forget to breathe". That being said, you probably aren't going to get her to change the ways he pokes you. You can only change how you react to it. If she's poking you to upset you, maybe try not outwardly showing how upset you are. Walk away, go into the bathroom and punch a towel...anything she can't see and feed on. If she doesn't get the reaction she wants, maybe she'll quit trying.
Peace to you.
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Anne_in_VA
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Post by Anne_in_VA on Sept 28, 2017 12:10:02 GMT -5
I had to learn not to react when someone close to me did this. It was freakin hard, but I just refused to play into their questions. I also learned not to volunteer information.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Sept 28, 2017 12:22:11 GMT -5
You may not like what I have to say....but in my experience the best way to tackle offensive people is to go on the offensive yourself. At least thats the way I always end up resolving it Mom: You know you are jack shit for doing that 5 years ago.... gacpa: My one and only warning to you. Stop this shit right now. Mom: You little dick...you a$$hole... gacpa: <Gets up and leaves the building> Mom: What a jerk you are for... gacpa: Mom, stop talking to me like this or I will disconnect the phone. Mom: I curse the day you were born! gacpa: <Disconnects the phone> Mom calls again... gacpa: <crickets> <does not pick up the phone> Mom: So I was telling my friend how you are such a disappointment to me.... gacpa: I repeat my warning to you. Stop talking to me like that. NOW. Mom: Oh you poor good for nothing... gacpa: I do not give you permission to treat me like this. I will now only communicate with you via a respectful email/text. You get the gist. To be honest, I have been REALLY offensive to some people to get them to shut up and start treating me respectfully. That includes no communication for months. Gets the message across beautifully. You do what you have to do to get her to respect you. Until you do she will keep giving you shit. Just because she knows she can....
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haapai
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Post by haapai on Sept 28, 2017 12:26:37 GMT -5
There are some things that I could say that might be comforting if you think your mother has HPD. I've never had to deal with it in my family, but I have a coworker who seems to display many of the symptoms. Sometimes the way that other people react to a histrionic person is more baffling and crazy-making than the behavior of the histrionic person.
ETA: I have phrased the above quite awkwardly and it could be misconstrued. When I speak of "other people", I am referring to third parties. Please don't think that I am referring to you, gacpa. I'm talking about people like your son and husband, and other various observers of interactions between you and your mother.
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dee27
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Post by dee27 on Sept 28, 2017 12:31:58 GMT -5
At 80, your mom is not likely to change her behavior, but you have an opportunity to change your perception when she irritates you. My mom was not easy to like at times because she could be very stubborn, and since I had daily contact with her, I had to find ways to lessen the impact of her comments. Ironically, the thing that I miss most about my mom now that she is gone are our daily talks.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Sept 28, 2017 12:33:51 GMT -5
You may not like what I have to say....but in my experience the best way to tackle offensive people is to go on the offensive yourself. At least thats the way I always end up resolving it Mom: You know you are jack shit for doing that 5 years ago.... gacpa: My one and only warning to you. Stop this shit right now. Mom: You little dick...you a$$hole... gacpa: <Gets up and leaves the building> Mom: What a jerk you are for... gacpa: Mom, stop talking to me like this or I will disconnect the phone. Mom: I curse the day you were born! gacpa: <Disconnects the phone> Mom calls again... gacpa: <crickets> <does not pick up the phone> Mom: So I was telling my friend how you are such a disappointment to me.... gacpa: I repeat my warning to you. Stop talking to me like that. NOW. Mom: Oh you poor good for nothing... gacpa: I do not give you permission to treat me like this. I will now only communicate with you via a respectful email/text. You get the gist. To be honest, I have been REALLY offensive to some people to get them to shut up and start treating me respectfully. That includes no communication for months. Gets the message across beautifully. You do what you have to do to get her to respect you. Until you do she will keep giving you shit. Just because she knows she can.... I think you and I have very different ideas of what "going on the offensive" is. What you're describing sounds a lot more like disengaging that what I would consider "going on the offensive". I totally expected you to advise her to talk shit to her mom after reading the first part.
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sesfw
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Post by sesfw on Sept 28, 2017 12:55:57 GMT -5
gacpa I'm sorry you are going through this ......... it's lousy
My mother had already filed for divorce from dad when she found out I was on the way (second child). This was in 1940 so the divorce was stopped. I was born and looked EXACTLY like dad's mom, and those two women hated each other. Divorce was 4 years later. I grew up being constantly reminded that I looked like my grandmother ...... I learned as a child to ignore it.
Fast forward ..... when I got married she told me they (step-dad) wouldn't help me ...... OK, I got married anyway and they were hurt when things happened and they weren't included. Finally had to put 500 miles between us. After my DH died (G-ma died 30 years prior) she still reminded me that I looked like my g-mother ...........
I was in my late 50s by then and I had to cut contact for my own sanity. When she died all I felt was relief ..... I went there to help clean out her place and make sure everything was divided up as her will/trust said.
Limiting your time with your mom might be your only solution for sanity. I like some of the scenarios swasat suggested. Change the subject and/or hang-up/walk out
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Sept 28, 2017 12:57:59 GMT -5
You may not like what I have to say....but in my experience the best way to tackle offensive people is to go on the offensive yourself. At least thats the way I always end up resolving it Mom: You know you are jack shit for doing that 5 years ago.... gacpa: My one and only warning to you. Stop this shit right now. Mom: You little dick...you a$$hole... gacpa: <Gets up and leaves the building> Mom: What a jerk you are for... gacpa: Mom, stop talking to me like this or I will disconnect the phone. Mom: I curse the day you were born! gacpa: <Disconnects the phone> Mom calls again... gacpa: <crickets> <does not pick up the phone> Mom: So I was telling my friend how you are such a disappointment to me.... gacpa: I repeat my warning to you. Stop talking to me like that. NOW. Mom: Oh you poor good for nothing... gacpa: I do not give you permission to treat me like this. I will now only communicate with you via a respectful email/text. You get the gist. To be honest, I have been REALLY offensive to some people to get them to shut up and start treating me respectfully. That includes no communication for months. Gets the message across beautifully. You do what you have to do to get her to respect you. Until you do she will keep giving you shit. Just because she knows she can.... I think you and I have very different ideas of what "going on the offensive" is. What you're describing sounds a lot more like disengaging that what I would consider "going on the offensive". I totally expected you to advise her to talk shit to her mom after reading the first part. Oh, I think we have the same idea what "offensive" means. Thats why I mentioned I have been REALLY offensive to some people Think me using all cuss words and telling the other party in no uncertain terms that the next time they even try to say a rude word to me is the day they would end up in the gutter with a pickax up their ass. I am normal in my daily life, I swear, but there have been times I have been pushed beyond my limits and I have lost all sense of decorum. Every single time it has been GLORIOUS to get it off my chest. GLORIOUS
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gacpa
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Post by gacpa on Sept 28, 2017 13:08:39 GMT -5
Lots of truths here and good advice. I appreciate the responses.
What is HPD?
Lots has happened this year. Her brother died, and they were very close. My father's brother died not long after and then she got very sick from a tick bite. It took a long time for her to get better from that and I think it scared her because she could not take care of herself. My sister and I stayed with her.
I am sure the events of this year are part of the problem.
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haapai
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Post by haapai on Sept 28, 2017 13:15:38 GMT -5
It's an acronym for histrionic personality disorder, which you can google. It's kinda what a lot of us thought you were talking about.
FWIW, it is a terrible, and terribly squishy disorder. Quite frankly, if your mom has it, you probably would already know what the acronym stood for.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 28, 2017 14:15:14 GMT -5
You may not like what I have to say....but in my experience the best way to tackle offensive people is to go on the offensive yourself. At least thats the way I always end up resolving it Mom: You know you are jack shit for doing that 5 years ago.... gacpa: My one and only warning to you. Stop this shit right now. Mom: You little dick...you a$$hole... gacpa: <Gets up and leaves the building> Mom: What a jerk you are for... gacpa: Mom, stop talking to me like this or I will disconnect the phone. Mom: I curse the day you were born! gacpa: <Disconnects the phone> Mom calls again... gacpa: <crickets> <does not pick up the phone> Mom: So I was telling my friend how you are such a disappointment to me.... gacpa: I repeat my warning to you. Stop talking to me like that. NOW. Mom: Oh you poor good for nothing... gacpa: I do not give you permission to treat me like this. I will now only communicate with you via a respectful email/text. You get the gist. To be honest, I have been REALLY offensive to some people to get them to shut up and start treating me respectfully. That includes no communication for months. Gets the message across beautifully. You do what you have to do to get her to respect you. Until you do she will keep giving you shit. Just because she knows she can.... gacpa , is that how your mom talks to you? I was assuming something more passive aggressive like, "Aunt Lulu's kids call her every day. Her children obviously care about her." In other words, she tries to make you feel guilty when you aren't. But it's difficult to put a finger on it or complain. She didn't say anything bad about you. You are always imagining the worst. Things like that. If any adult talked as openly ugly as swasat's examples, I'd stop visiting immediately, mother or not. She'll call soon enough. She probably won't apologize, but she'll have some excuse why you need to come see her.
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on Sept 28, 2017 14:24:02 GMT -5
This sounds like my MIL. You aren't my SIL by any chance? She lives in GA but is not a CPA. You are much too reasonable to be my SIL..... My MIL is very difficult. She lives by herself, has no money, and seems to live her life thinking the world is about to explode (watches too much news) and everyone is dying. I put up with it by dealing with her as little as possible. DH has to deal with her. She has always had a negative outlook on life, but it gets worse the older she gets. Last week, she and DH got into an argument over whether whitewheat bread counts white or wheat..... DH had heart bypass surgery a month ago, the worst part for he was having to talk to MIL on the phone. I would try to keep as brief as possible, but then she started on the lecture about a woman's responsibility in the household to take care of the husband .
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Sept 28, 2017 14:48:06 GMT -5
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gacpa
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Post by gacpa on Sept 28, 2017 14:50:42 GMT -5
SS, no this is not how she talks to me. It is hard to explain. It is mostly situations where she says something she knows will upset me and says it on purpose to get in a dig at me. Then she pretends not to understand why I am hurt, stuff like that. I feel very insecure around her. Lots of passive aggressive behavior. I do call her everyday but maybe I should call less often.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Sept 28, 2017 14:59:07 GMT -5
Could you try and declare certain things off limits? This would work on some people, but definitely not others, depending on how messed up they are.
"Mom, I want to be here with you, but you and I both know that when you bring up XYZ, it hurts my feelings and takes us down a bad road. I think we should just skip that conversation forever." And then she brings it up and you say"I'm not discussing this, should I leave or will you stop?"
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gacpa
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Post by gacpa on Sept 28, 2017 15:01:05 GMT -5
Alabamagal,
Mom lives alone now in MO, but she has plenty of money because she spends a little as she can. My husband says she is a very negative person. He handles her much better than I do.
She got me good this summer. My uncle passed and left his nieces and nephew his share of the family farm. My mom and my aunt own the rest. Mom asked me to sign a beneficiary deed leaving it to her if I should die so my husband and son would not inherit. Bear in mind, I have lived my entire adult life with no financial assistance from her or my dad. It really hurt me and I said I would just go ahead and deed my share over to her like I did when Dad passed. So now I feel like I am not even part of the family. She asked my sister to do the same, but she refused.
Since then, I have been less able to let what she says bother me. I guess you can see why.
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gacpa
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Post by gacpa on Sept 28, 2017 15:07:50 GMT -5
I tried this exact thing last week. It worked at that time, but she started back up last night. She caught me at a bad time, and I lost my temper, which made her mad too.
I am willing to take the high road, but she got me at a weak moment.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Sept 28, 2017 15:37:14 GMT -5
Thanks, haapai. I think this may be the problem. I keep trying to distance myself from her in the sense that I don't want her input in making my decisions, how I spend my money or live my life. I do try to have a relationship with her, a mother-daughter relationship not motivated by control or money. I can take care of myself. It seems she wants to have control over me in some way. I can't let that happen or we can have a mother daughter relationship. If I were a teenager, I could see the conflict, but I am in my mid 50's and way too old for her to be trying to assert her control over me. She could live to be 100 or one of us could go tomorrow. I don't understand why she has to always be stirring up something. Isn't getting along, being together and having a good relationship at this stage in life enough? I've specifically told her (less than a week ago) that I just want to have a good relationship with her and peace between us. I am willing to let all else go, yet she won't shut up and keeps trying to poke the bear (me). I have to figure out some way to not let her bother me. I don't think she can stop herself. OK, I don't know you or your mom, but I can share the rocky relationship my mom that I had. Maybe your mom is the same as my mom, maybe she's completely different and this won't help you at all, but here goes. She made me nuts. After one stressful visit, as I was venting to DH, he said "She's very controlling, and very black and white. She needs everything to go exactly the way she wants it to go, or she's unhappy. Since she can't really control anyone other than herself, she's actually unhappy most of the time, because everyone is constantly failing to do what she believes they must do. So she's really an unhappy person. "
I hadn't ever thought of it that way, and once I realized it came down to control, and how unhappy she always was because she couldn't control the world (who among us can?) it made it easier to ignore her. Usually I would just agree with her, but then do whatever it was I wanted to do. I also became very careful about what information I would share with her - I didn't tell her, for instance, that DS got sent home from high school for violating the dress code (he didn't wear a belt one day) because I knew she would blow that up into a huge 'issue' - my son was growing up to be a thug, my son had pants that dragged off his butt (he didn't - all the kids were required to wear belts), he was turning into a delinquent, etc etc. If I only shared very good information with her, she couldn't latch onto the small negative things and blow them up into a major crisis, and all because I hadn't listened to her.
She did this to all her kids. Two of us were more independent minded and didn't like to be instructed on how to dress/wear our hair/ wear our makeup/who to be friends with/who to date/what courses to take, and two of us were more the dutiful daughter type who obeyed my moms many rules, at least until they were old enough to leave home - and then they also started having the same problem, as Mom continued to try to dictate how they raised their kids, where they lived, what kind of house they bought, etc etc. Looking back on it, my Mom was chronically unhappy and probably struggled with depression. Which is sad, because she had so many advantages, such a great husband and four kids who all turned out surprising well. But her personality prevented her from enjoying her kids and grandkids. Knowing that made it easier for me to ignore her constant bossy directions.
Like I said, don't know if your mom is also a control freak, but if she is - maybe this will help.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Sept 28, 2017 15:42:07 GMT -5
You just don't play. Why can't you walk away? When she starts you just say , "Gotta go mom, see you later" and then hang up, leave or walk away. Nobody can push your buttons if you aren't putting your buttons in front of them. You can't control her behavior you can only control yours. She isn't going to change at 80. Just limit your exposure to her and don't engage nonsense.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Sept 28, 2017 15:43:22 GMT -5
The Bible also says "do not despise thy mother when she is old". So, yeah, our moms will get on our nerves. Dads usually die earlier so not so much.
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gacpa
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Post by gacpa on Sept 28, 2017 15:44:50 GMT -5
Happyhoix,
This does sound exactly like my mother. She is very controlling and bossy. Your descriptions sound very familiar.
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gacpa
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Post by gacpa on Sept 28, 2017 15:46:58 GMT -5
I agree with you, but easier said than done. I am trying very hard to maintain a relationship with her.
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