Mom driving me nuts

[gacpa]

Just one point here. After you told her you didnt' want to use the discount, you could have just ended that there. Instead you took it upon yourself to convince her to give her discount to an uncle, etc. In that way, you were really still engaging with that. Thanks mom, i won't need your discount. Then what she does or doesnt' do with it is totally up to her. If that makes sense.

 No, the discount to the uncle thing happened after my Dad died  It happened a couple years ago.  Uncle got discount from Dad, and assumed Mom would not mind continuing the discount.  She minded very much, because she hates his brother and sister.  She got angry when anybody from his family asked to use the discount, despite the fact it did not cost Mom or Dad anything to help them.  I told her to help him because I was tired of the constant drama over NOTHING.  Our interaction with the discount happened last week, and I wayyyy overreacted.  Part of me remembers how she fussed about them using it and she fussed about me using it, thus I want no part of it.  I let her see she upset me, big mistake on my part.  I will spend much time building back some sort of truce with her.  Showing emotion is not the way to deal with her.

[zibazinski]

Sounds like the dog in the manger.

[happyhoix]

Sept 30, 2017 8:16:33 GMT -5 Shooby said:

Sept 29, 2017 9:41:29 GMT -5 gacpa said:

Shooby,

Your points are very valid.  I have stopped talking to her about money because she wants to control my money as well as hers.  The specific thing that set me off was she mentioned I could use "her employee discount" to buy my next car.  Years ago, she criticized me for doing so and thus, since then, I have bought my cars with my own money, with no input from her or my dad.  One less thing for her to gripe about.  For her to turn around and bait me with that really set me off, which I suspect was her intent.  I told her no way was I using her discount.  Then she pretended to not understand why and off we go, she is hurt by my answer.  After my dad died, my uncle asked to use the discount, he really needed a new car.  My mom was livid, but I convinced her to help him buy the car to avoid a family meltdown.  Enough drama already, it was not going to cost my mom anything to help.  She finally agreed, and he got a new car.  He left the car to my sister when he passed.

We can get along fairly well if we don't discuss money, so I try really hard to stick with that rule.  I should not have let her see I was upset and I should not have told her I would never use her discount.  I should have just said "yeah sure" whatever, and went my own way.  That is the only way to keep the peace and I know that.  She just caught me at a bad time.

Just one point here.  After you told her you didnt' want to use the discount, you could have just ended that there.  Instead you took it upon yourself to convince her to give her discount to an uncle, etc.  In that way, you were really still engaging with that.   Thanks mom, i won't need your discount.  Then what she does or doesnt' do with it is totally up to her.  If that makes sense.

Geez this sounds so much like my mom!

My mom hated being the 'family taxi,' having to drive her kids around to various events after school. Due to where we were living, my high school was about 45 minutes away from our house, and anytime my older siblings had an after school activity, Mom bitched about having to spend 90 minutes going to pick them up - and she used that to demand they do extra work around the house. Or threatened them in advance  - 'I'm not going to pick you up after school to do xxx next week unless you spend this Saturday cleaning the house.'  (And she followed through, too - there were times she refused transportation when one of my siblings failed to clean the house to her specification). It was a source of constant loud drama, with my oldest sibling especially.  Consequently, when I got old enough to go to high school, I never joined an group that met after school, and never attended a social event where I couldn't get a ride with some other parent or take the public bus. (Where I lived at the time, you had to be 21 years old to drive, so driving myself was out of the question).

Mom hated that - she kept insisting that I needed to join some extra-curricular clubs and socialize with my friends more,  but I would just shake my head and say I wasn't interested in any of them. Which was not true at all - but I didn't want to end up having to listen to her angry rants about how she had to spend all her time driving me around. Sounds so much like your mom and the discount - complaining about people who use it, yet wanting people to use it so she has some control (or guilt) over them.

I guess all we can do is try really hard not to be like our moms.

 

[gacpa]

Sounds so much like your mom and the discount - complaining about people who use it, yet wanting people to use it so she has some control (or guilt) over them.

Ladies and gentlemen,

We have a winner!   You nailed it!

[giramomma]

A little late to the party...

But besides sticking to safe subjects...I would just keep a list of questions handy to ask my mom.

She never noticed once that I only asked her questions for like an hour and that I hadn't really talked to her at all.

I would also be careful about being overt about boundaries.  That would just piss my mom off even more.. So it wasn't even "If you continue to talk about this I will remove myself from the situation." I'd just remove myself.

Mom really perceived boundaries as being a bad thing (even normal boundaries...like being able to use the bathroom...nope...if you wanted to pee in privacy...you were hiding something and deemed untrustworthy.) In my mom's eye, a child is not "allowed" to be direct with a parent. Only a parent could be direct with a child. Now, peers could be direct with peers, but that would then require my mom to think that I was an adult when I am one. But, she never wants to see me as an adult. I will always be an 8 year old child to her.

[happyhoix]

Oct 2, 2017 15:13:17 GMT -5 giramomma said:

A little late to the party...

But besides sticking to safe subjects...I would just keep a list of questions handy to ask my mom.

She never noticed once that I only asked her questions for like an hour and that I hadn't really talked to her at all.

Actually this is a really good strategy. I forgot I used to do this.

My mom had a horrible relationship with my oldest sib (they didn't talk), had a poor relationship with the two middle kids, but she adored the youngest. Baby sis could do no wrong (I think Mom was living vicariously through Baby Sis). When I went off to college, I realized that what mom like more than anything was to brag about Baby Sis. So when I called her up to visit, after a few bland comments about my own life (which never revealed much - I didn't share a lot with Mom because she liked to make mole hills into mountains with her 3 older kids) I would ask  'So, what is Baby Sis doing in school right now?'

That never failed to generate 20 - 30 minutes of Mom going on about Baby Sis and me listening, while occasionally inserting appreciative or admiring comments. It was actually possible for me to simultaneously watch a TV show while also listening with one ear to Mom explaining non stop about what fabulous things Baby Sis had done lately.

It always left Mom feeling very happy and cheerful about me, because I was such a great listener and cared so much about my Baby Sis. Yes, I sometimes felt a little guilty for manipulating her, but in the end Mom was very happy, and when Mom was happy, everyone else could be happy, too. More importantly, it avoided the minefield of her running down my list of faults and what I needed to do to fix them, or complaining about the faults of Dad and my two older sibs, which was always so hard to listen to (especially when she bitched about my Dad, who worked his whole life to support her and their kids, and she could barely think of anything good to say about him).

I guess it's the equivalent of jiggling car keys in front of a crying baby to distract them - but hey, it works and everyone is happy.

[Lizard Queen]

You're a bigger person than me. I would be more in the why bother camp.

[MJ2.0]

I've stopped seeing manipulation in a purely negative light.  Sometimes it's necessary for your survival and sanity.

[cktc]

Oct 3, 2017 8:35:03 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

You're a bigger person than me. I would be more in the why bother camp.

It's easier said than done with an aging parent. Your mind always goes to 'what if...?'. Most people have some good qualities in spite of the bad. You kinda just hope to make the best of the remaining time in honor of those good ones. Or at least that is why I continue with my mostly exhausting grandmother. Parents might not be perfect but you'll never get a chance to find new ones.

[giramomma]

Oct 3, 2017 9:33:48 GMT -5 cktc said:

Oct 3, 2017 8:35:03 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

You're a bigger person than me. I would be more in the why bother camp.

It's easier said than done with an aging parent. Your mind always goes to 'what if...?'. Most people have some good qualities in spite of the bad. You kinda just hope to make the best of the remaining time in honor of those good ones. Or at least that is why I continue with my mostly exhausting grandmother. Parents might not be perfect but you'll never get a chance to find new ones.

I think it just depends on where the behavior is on the continuum.

I can put up with exhausting. I won't deal with abusive/bad dysfunction, even for the few things that were done right.

And the same goes for my husband, too...actually. I'm 42, and so far, I'm figuring about 5 years of my life has been spent in somewhat normal relationship patterns, and that is when I knew my husband was sober. I mean..at some point, I think it's reasonable to say "know what, I deserve healthy relationships besides what I have with my kids. I've worked hard to fix myself, and I won't be sucked back in to unhealthy relationships with others. I think it's fair for me to not allow my parents to abuse me at this point in my life...or even when I'm older.

I understand there's a price to pay for that. And trust, me..I've been paying for it. My mom has made sure of it..even as we are standing on the precipice of "what if" And she only eases up a little when she needs something emotionally.

I may never have new parents, but I also have older people in our lives that care for my family unconditionally..and some of them know all the bad shit. They were the first people I called when I found out my husband relapsed.

Which is more than I can say for my parents.

[thyme4change]

My mom spent my life telling me to be quiet, go play by myself, stay out of the way, dont bother her, dont bother others, don't spend too much time at other people's home because they didn't want me there, dont tell everyone about my life, no one cares, etc.

Now she wonders why I never call and chat with her.

{{sad trombone sound - wah-wah-wahhhh}}

[cktc]

Oct 3, 2017 9:55:40 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Oct 3, 2017 9:33:48 GMT -5 cktc said:

It's easier said than done with an aging parent. Your mind always goes to 'what if...?'. Most people have some good qualities in spite of the bad. You kinda just hope to make the best of the remaining time in honor of those good ones. Or at least that is why I continue with my mostly exhausting grandmother. Parents might not be perfect but you'll never get a chance to find new ones.

I think it just depends on where the behavior is on the continuum.

I can put up with exhausting. I won't deal with abusive/bad dysfunction, even for the few things that were done right.

And the same goes for my husband, too...actually. I'm 42, and so far, I'm figuring about 5 years of my life has been spent in somewhat normal relationship patterns, and that is when I knew my husband was sober. I mean..at some point, I think it's reasonable to say "know what, I deserve healthy relationships besides what I have with my kids. I've worked hard to fix myself, and I won't be sucked back in to unhealthy relationships with others. I think it's fair for me to not allow my parents to abuse me at this point in my life...or even when I'm older.

I understand there's a price to pay for that. And trust, me..I've been paying for it. My mom has made sure of it..even as we are standing on the precipice of "what if" And she only eases up a little when she needs something emotionally.

I may never have new parents, but I also have older people in our lives that care for my family unconditionally..and some of them know all the bad shit. They were the first people I called when I found out my husband relapsed.

Which is more than I can say for my parents.

Oh I definitely agree that there is a continuum and some people are worth it and others aren't. I haven't seen my father in 6 years and at this point I'm just done trying. Sorry your parents have been so awful. The ones who are chronically awful are easier to sever or even "replace" as they never added much value in the first place.

Gacpa has said she wants to maintain the relationship with her mom so I was just assuming there was enough good there to work around the bad.

[gacpa]

Thanks to everyone for the posts, it helps to know I am not alone out here. 

I am trying my best to maintain the relationship because she is my Mom, and she did her best to raise me and my sister to be decent human beings. 

I guess some days are easier than others.  Last night we had a good phone call.  I just want peace and usually can ignore the bad.  I just let her get to me.

I have been having some health issues lately, trying to find out what is going on.  Running to allergy doctor and ear doctor.  It has made me short tempered and may have played a factor in letting her get me upset.  Ear doctor sent me to a neurosurgeon.  My brain shunt may be failing.  If that is not it, then maybe I have hearing problems that will have to be dealt with.  Neuro doc finally ordered some X Rays and a CAT scan.  That should give us a definitive answer instead of guessing.

[Lizard Queen]

Oct 3, 2017 9:33:48 GMT -5 cktc said:

Oct 3, 2017 8:35:03 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

You're a bigger person than me. I would be more in the why bother camp.

It's easier said than done with an aging parent. Your mind always goes to 'what if...?'. Most people have some good qualities in spite of the bad. You kinda just hope to make the best of the remaining time in honor of those good ones. Or at least that is why I continue with my mostly exhausting grandmother. Parents might not be perfect but you'll never get a chance to find new ones.

My mom's been on and off her deathbed for the last 4 years, and I see her 2-3×/day every single day. I no longer feel the need to listen to her talk about my worthless brother like he's the best thing since sliced bread.

[debthaven]

I hope you get some answers and feel better soon gacpa.