Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Sept 28, 2017 15:48:36 GMT -5
Try listening to Dr. Laura.
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Sept 28, 2017 15:49:33 GMT -5
It's really up to you to decide if peace in your life is more important than the moment when you want to engage her nonsense? Your choice.
|
|
gacpa
Familiar Member
Joined: Nov 19, 2013 16:08:06 GMT -5
Posts: 738
|
Post by gacpa on Sept 28, 2017 16:41:06 GMT -5
Yes, I made that decision to have peace. I had a weak moment and let her get to me.
Tonight was better for us, we kept the phone call to safe subjects.
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Sept 28, 2017 16:45:49 GMT -5
Sometimes she will still get to you. But the more you learn to walk away, then hopefully that will be less and less.
|
|
debthaven
Senior Associate
Joined: Apr 7, 2015 15:26:39 GMT -5
Posts: 10,625
Member is Online
|
Post by debthaven on Sept 28, 2017 17:22:04 GMT -5
What she did with the farm must be very, very hurtful. I'm sorry.
The first thing I would do would be to stop talking to her every day. There's a huge gap between severing your relationship and speaking to her every day. The first thing I'd do is reduce it to every two (or even three) days. Given your relationship, it must be an effort to speak to her every day, and you visibly aren't getting much joy from it.
If you have a good relationship with your sister, maybe you and your sister can call your mom on alternate days, and send each other a text so you both know your mom is OK.
Hang in there, but take care of yourself. Start by putting a bit of distance between you and her. It may make things better.
Good luck to you. Your mom is very lucky to have such a devoted daughter.
|
|
debthaven
Senior Associate
Joined: Apr 7, 2015 15:26:39 GMT -5
Posts: 10,625
Member is Online
|
Post by debthaven on Sept 28, 2017 17:35:13 GMT -5
ETA: I sort of can't help but wish you had refused to sign, like your sister. Not for the money, but for the principle of it, and the fact that you are now hurting. Maybe you need to stop being such a "good daughter"?
People can be INCREDIBLY shitty. I do NOT want to derail this thread, but my very recently widowed friend found out two days ago that her late DH, who had terminal lung cancer, had changed ALL his SEVEN (7) (not a typo) life insurance policies to wrongful/accidental death in June. He did that knowing full well he was terminal, just to spite her / make sure she didn't get any money from his death. He died in early Sept. He also cancelled the funeral insurance policy my friend started for both of them (and paid for on her own) 20 years ago.
Sadly, some people are just really, really, really nasty/perverted/evil. It always hurts to admit that, but maybe it hurts even more to constantly try to excuse or make sense of their actions.
I'm not suggesting you write your mom off, but please, for your own sanity, take a bit of distance from her, even if it's just knowing that every other day, you don't have to call her and deal with the negativity.
|
|
Pants
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 19:26:44 GMT -5
Posts: 7,579
|
Post by Pants on Sept 28, 2017 18:04:35 GMT -5
Gacpa - I'm sorry this is happening. A few thoughts, they may help or may not...
For most people, our families have the ability to get at us more than anyone else. I think it has a lot to do with patterns of behavior - the fact that these patterns have existed and frustrated us our whole lives. When you fall into an old pattern, which most people do constantly because it is hard to change, it's frustrating on so many levels: because the behavior itself is so frustrating, because the accumulated weight of these actions over the course of your entire lifetime gets heavier every time another gets added to the pile, and because the length of the pattern makes us feel like we are reverting to childhood, a time when we were helpless to DO anything about it. It's heavy ass baggage, and you don't need to pretend otherwise.
For me, a lot of these interactions are frustrating because I dislike who I become when I fall in these patterns. I behave in ways I'm not proud of.
You ou may find cognitive behavioral therapy helpful. It's all about changing the way you react to situations, and helps you determine scripts and tools to stop you from falling in the old pattern. So, for instance, when your mom says something crappy, you may say: that hurt my feelings, if we can't have a nice conversation I'm going to go. The next time you say: I told you that comments like that hurt my feelings and I'm not going to talk to you when you say them, so I'm going, I love you and hope you have a good day.
You are setting boundaries for your own health and wellbeing, because you want to be a you that you like more.
|
|
Pants
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 19:26:44 GMT -5
Posts: 7,579
|
Post by Pants on Sept 28, 2017 18:05:22 GMT -5
ETA: I sort of can't help but wish you had refused to sign, like your sister. Not for the money, but for the principle of it, and the fact that you are now hurting. Maybe you need to stop being such a "good daughter"? People can be INCREDIBLY shitty. I do NOT want to derail this thread, but my very recently widowed friend found out two days ago that her late DH, who had terminal lung cancer, had changed ALL his SEVEN (7) (not a typo) life insurance policies to wrongful/accidental death in June. He did that knowing full well he was terminal, just to spite her / make sure she didn't get any money from his death. He died in early Sept. He also cancelled the funeral insurance policy my friend started for both of them (and paid for on her own) 20 years ago. Sadly, some people are just really, really, really nasty/perverted/evil. It always hurts to admit that, but maybe it hurts even more to constantly try to excuse or make sense of their actions. I'm not suggesting you write your mom off, but please, for your own sanity, take a bit of distance from her, even if it's just knowing that every other day, you don't have to call her and deal with the negativity. Wow. I am a DEEPLY petty person (thanks mom!) and even I would never do that.
|
|
debthaven
Senior Associate
Joined: Apr 7, 2015 15:26:39 GMT -5
Posts: 10,625
Member is Online
|
Post by debthaven on Sept 28, 2017 18:09:34 GMT -5
I don't know one living person that would Pants . And although I hated him, I never would have imagined him capable of that. ETA: My DH just pointed out that maybe he cashed them all out (because he left a lot of debt too, all taken out in secret) and the bank didn't dare tell my friend. Who knows?! Talk about messed up!!! ETA: I'm sorry for derailing this thread, we should probably stop.
|
|
Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 21:58:42 GMT -5
Posts: 64,596
|
Post by Tennesseer on Sept 28, 2017 18:15:31 GMT -5
gacpa I'm sorry you are going through this ......... it's lousy My mother had already filed for divorce from dad when she found out I was on the way (second child). This was in 1940 so the divorce was stopped. I was born and looked EXACTLY like dad's mom, and those two women hated each other. Divorce was 4 years later. I grew up being constantly reminded that I looked like my grandmother ...... I learned as a child to ignore it. Fast forward ..... when I got married she told me they (step-dad) wouldn't help me ...... OK, I got married anyway and they were hurt when things happened and they weren't included. Finally had to put 500 miles between us. After my DH died (G-ma died 30 years prior) she still reminded me that I looked like my g-mother ........... I was in my late 50s by then and I had to cut contact for my own sanity. When she died all I felt was relief ..... I went there to help clean out her place and make sure everything was divided up as her will/trust said. Limiting your time with your mom might be your only solution for sanity. I like some of the scenarios swasat suggested. Change the subject and/or hang-up/walk out If you had not said you were the second child, that was my mother's story with her mother. My mother spoiled my grandmother's life by being born. Fortunately once mom married the two of them lived over 1,600 miles apart. When my mother felt the guilt to call her mother to say hello, my mom would have me or one of my other siblings on the phone extension so that my grandmother would not say mean things to her over the phone. It was only at the end of my grandmother's life that she started being nice to my mom. When my mother was ending her last visit with her mom (grandma was soon to die shortly after the visit), my grandmother called out to my mom something like "Can I help you with your packing, dear?". My mom told me later she wished her mom had called her 'dear' so many years earlier than she had.
|
|
gacpa
Familiar Member
Joined: Nov 19, 2013 16:08:06 GMT -5
Posts: 738
|
Post by gacpa on Sept 28, 2017 18:24:22 GMT -5
Debthaven,
You are not derailing the thread. I appreciate your comments and sharing the story. I am sorry about your friend and sincerely hope she will overcome all the obstacles her hubby put in her path.
I am definitely going to have to approach her in a more direct manner, letting her know when she has crossed the line and saying good night, we will talk later. I also need to work on setting boundaries instead of fuming all night that she made me mad.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,788
|
Post by thyme4change on Sept 28, 2017 18:34:13 GMT -5
Yes, I made that decision to have peace. I had a weak moment and let her get to me. Tonight was better for us, we kept the phone call to safe subjects. We are all human. Forgive yourself and re-up the promise that if she starts, you end it, one way or another.
|
|
gacpa
Familiar Member
Joined: Nov 19, 2013 16:08:06 GMT -5
Posts: 738
|
Post by gacpa on Sept 28, 2017 20:45:13 GMT -5
Alabamagal,
Hope your DH is doing better after the surgery.
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Sept 29, 2017 8:27:35 GMT -5
Thanks, haapai. I think this may be the problem. I keep trying to distance myself from her in the sense that I don't want her input in making my decisions, how I spend my money or live my life. I do try to have a relationship with her, a mother-daughter relationship not motivated by control or money. I can take care of myself. It seems she wants to have control over me in some way. I can't let that happen or we can have a mother daughter relationship. If I were a teenager, I could see the conflict, but I am in my mid 50's and way too old for her to be trying to assert her control over me. She could live to be 100 or one of us could go tomorrow. I don't understand why she has to always be stirring up something. Isn't getting along, being together and having a good relationship at this stage in life enough? I've specifically told her (less than a week ago) that I just want to have a good relationship with her and peace between us. I am willing to let all else go, yet she won't shut up and keeps trying to poke the bear (me). I have to figure out some way to not let her bother me. I don't think she can stop herself. You have to be aware of what you are talking about with her. If you call and say "Oh i am looking to buy a new car", then you are inviting her to give input as to what kind of car you should buy. If you are commenting on how much you spent on something, you are inviting her to say "oh you spent too much", etc. So, some of that may be you opening the door to give input that you don't want. Or, you just have to learn to let those comments go as most people just babble all kinds of things in any given conversation. When i was pregnant, DH and i did not discuss our children's names with anyone prior to them being born. I honestly didn't want to hear any input from anyone about it. We choose the names we liked and I didn't want to be swayed by a negative reaction or a "well why not this name instead" kind of thing. So, consider what info you are putting out to her that she can comment on. If she is always been this way, then that is who she is. If not , then she may be having some change in her cognitive function. But, having lost my parents and DH has lost his parents and no matter how old you are, when you lose your parents you still feel like an orphan in the world.
|
|
swasat
Senior Member
Joined: Apr 13, 2011 9:34:28 GMT -5
Posts: 3,735
|
Post by swasat on Sept 29, 2017 8:57:30 GMT -5
Thanks, haapai. I think this may be the problem. I keep trying to distance myself from her in the sense that I don't want her input in making my decisions, how I spend my money or live my life. I do try to have a relationship with her, a mother-daughter relationship not motivated by control or money. I can take care of myself. It seems she wants to have control over me in some way. I can't let that happen or we can have a mother daughter relationship. If I were a teenager, I could see the conflict, but I am in my mid 50's and way too old for her to be trying to assert her control over me. She could live to be 100 or one of us could go tomorrow. I don't understand why she has to always be stirring up something. Isn't getting along, being together and having a good relationship at this stage in life enough? I've specifically told her (less than a week ago) that I just want to have a good relationship with her and peace between us. I am willing to let all else go, yet she won't shut up and keeps trying to poke the bear (me).I have to figure out some way to not let her bother me. I don't think she can stop herself. I am sorry you are going through this Relationships can suck. However, I do think you are very focused in your mind on how the relationship "Should be", not how "it is". You expect peace and cordiality with your mom, but if SHE doesn't want it you are never going to get it. It takes two to tango and all that.... She seems to want to control you, she gets you riled up and she is ok with it. You are not. So its up to you to stop it. If you cannot help being riled up by her, then you should do whatever you can to not take her crappy behavior. Probably I am wired differently I'd rather have no memories at all than have horrible memories about my time with someone.
|
|
swasat
Senior Member
Joined: Apr 13, 2011 9:34:28 GMT -5
Posts: 3,735
|
Post by swasat on Sept 29, 2017 8:58:57 GMT -5
Debthaven, You are not derailing the thread. I appreciate your comments and sharing the story. I am sorry about your friend and sincerely hope she will overcome all the obstacles her hubby put in her path. I am definitely going to have to approach her in a more direct manner, letting her know when she has crossed the line and saying good night, we will talk later. I also need to work on setting boundaries instead of fuming all night that she made me mad.See, thats why I say put a stop to it. Because SHE is not losing sleep over her behavior. YOU are, even though you are the victiom and you have every right to fight back.
|
|
MJ2.0
Senior Associate
Joined: Jul 24, 2014 10:27:09 GMT -5
Posts: 11,049
|
Post by MJ2.0 on Sept 29, 2017 9:08:14 GMT -5
Thanks, haapai. I think this may be the problem. I keep trying to distance myself from her in the sense that I don't want her input in making my decisions, how I spend my money or live my life. I do try to have a relationship with her, a mother-daughter relationship not motivated by control or money. I can take care of myself. It seems she wants to have control over me in some way. I can't let that happen or we can have a mother daughter relationship. If I were a teenager, I could see the conflict, but I am in my mid 50's and way too old for her to be trying to assert her control over me. She could live to be 100 or one of us could go tomorrow. I don't understand why she has to always be stirring up something. Isn't getting along, being together and having a good relationship at this stage in life enough? I've specifically told her (less than a week ago) that I just want to have a good relationship with her and peace between us. I am willing to let all else go, yet she won't shut up and keeps trying to poke the bear (me). I have to figure out some way to not let her bother me. I don't think she can stop herself. You have to be aware of what you are talking about with her. If you call and say "Oh i am looking to buy a new car", then you are inviting her to give input as to what kind of car you should buy. If you are commenting on how much you spent on something, you are inviting her to say "oh you spent too much", etc. So, some of that may be you opening the door to give input that you don't want. Or, you just have to learn to let those comments go as most people just babble all kinds of things in any given conversation. When i was pregnant, DH and i did not discuss our children's names with anyone prior to them being born. I honestly didn't want to hear any input from anyone about it. We choose the names we liked and I didn't want to be swayed by a negative reaction or a "well why not this name instead" kind of thing. So, consider what info you are putting out to her that she can comment on. If she is always been this way, then that is who she is. If not , then she may be having some change in her cognitive function. But, having lost my parents and DH has lost his parents and no matter how old you are, when you lose your parents you still feel like an orphan in the world. I agree with a lot of this and I've needed to do this with my own mother. Apparently she thinks I still need "mothering" and I don't. I don't need her input on every. single. thing. I haven't told her about the whole thing with my ex-friend, and she will probably not find out unless she asks. If she does, I plan to make that conversation as short as possible. I'm finding that mother-daughter relationships seem to be filled with complications that don't seem to exist with son-father/son-mother/daughter-father relationships.
|
|
Lizard Queen
Senior Associate
103/2024
Joined: Jan 17, 2011 22:19:13 GMT -5
Posts: 14,659
|
Post by Lizard Queen on Sept 29, 2017 9:17:17 GMT -5
Thanks, haapai. I think this may be the problem. I keep trying to distance myself from her in the sense that I don't want her input in making my decisions, how I spend my money or live my life. I do try to have a relationship with her, a mother-daughter relationship not motivated by control or money. I can take care of myself. It seems she wants to have control over me in some way. I can't let that happen or we can have a mother daughter relationship. If I were a teenager, I could see the conflict, but I am in my mid 50's and way too old for her to be trying to assert her control over me. She could live to be 100 or one of us could go tomorrow. I don't understand why she has to always be stirring up something. Isn't getting along, being together and having a good relationship at this stage in life enough? I've specifically told her (less than a week ago) that I just want to have a good relationship with her and peace between us. I am willing to let all else go, yet she won't shut up and keeps trying to poke the bear (me). I have to figure out some way to not let her bother me. I don't think she can stop herself. You have to be aware of what you are talking about with her. If you call and say "Oh i am looking to buy a new car", then you are inviting her to give input as to what kind of car you should buy. If you are commenting on how much you spent on something, you are inviting her to say "oh you spent too much", etc. So, some of that may be you opening the door to give input that you don't want. Or, you just have to learn to let those comments go as most people just babble all kinds of things in any given conversation. When i was pregnant, DH and i did not discuss our children's names with anyone prior to them being born. I honestly didn't want to hear any input from anyone about it. We choose the names we liked and I didn't want to be swayed by a negative reaction or a "well why not this name instead" kind of thing. So, consider what info you are putting out to her that she can comment on. If she is always been this way, then that is who she is. If not , then she may be having some change in her cognitive function. But, having lost my parents and DH has lost his parents and no matter how old you are, when you lose your parents you still feel like an orphan in the world. Interesting that you mention the name thing, because this whole thread reminds me of how my mom acted after we had and named our 2nd child. She called me for weeks imploring that I change his name until I just plain stopped talking to her at all, sometimes just hanging up on her. She finally gave up. My mom had always been difficult, but that was the line in the sand for me.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 15, 2024 9:30:00 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 29, 2017 9:36:34 GMT -5
Thanks, haapai. I think this may be the problem. I keep trying to distance myself from her in the sense that I don't want her input in making my decisions, how I spend my money or live my life. I do try to have a relationship with her, a mother-daughter relationship not motivated by control or money. I can take care of myself. It seems she wants to have control over me in some way. I can't let that happen or we can have a mother daughter relationship. If I were a teenager, I could see the conflict, but I am in my mid 50's and way too old for her to be trying to assert her control over me. She could live to be 100 or one of us could go tomorrow. I don't understand why she has to always be stirring up something. Isn't getting along, being together and having a good relationship at this stage in life enough? I've specifically told her (less than a week ago) that I just want to have a good relationship with her and peace between us. I am willing to let all else go, yet she won't shut up and keeps trying to poke the bear (me). I have to figure out some way to not let her bother me. I don't think she can stop herself. You have to be aware of what you are talking about with her. If you call and say "Oh i am looking to buy a new car", then you are inviting her to give input as to what kind of car you should buy. If you are commenting on how much you spent on something, you are inviting her to say "oh you spent too much", etc. So, some of that may be you opening the door to give input that you don't want. Or, you just have to learn to let those comments go as most people just babble all kinds of things in any given conversation. When i was pregnant, DH and i did not discuss our children's names with anyone prior to them being born. I honestly didn't want to hear any input from anyone about it. We choose the names we liked and I didn't want to be swayed by a negative reaction or a "well why not this name instead" kind of thing. So, consider what info you are putting out to her that she can comment on. If she is always been this way, then that is who she is. If not , then she may be having some change in her cognitive function. But, having lost my parents and DH has lost his parents and no matter how old you are, when you lose your parents you still feel like an orphan in the world. My Mom and I have a completely screwed up relationship. She constantly puts down pretty much any idea I ever have and has never had an encouraging word for me or acknowledges anything I get right, she just will point out where I'm struggling...over and over. It's been that way forever. Coincidentally, she seems to have reserved this for me. She lavishes praises on the grandkids and a lot of my cousins. Yesterday she posted a video from my cousin on Facebook and referred to her as her "Talented and beautiful niece". I'm like WTF? She has never called me that. Or smart, or hard-working, or anything positive. All I get is constant hen-pecking about stuff like not being able to find a tie she knows she gave me for DS and how hard is it to keep the clothes organized? Anyhow...getting sidetracked. For some reason even as an adult I was still calling her whenever I was thinking of getting a car or a dog or a whatever and pretty much every time I would hang up all pissed off. The last few years I've finally started to wise up (I'm 48!) and found that just not telling her any of my plans works better and to just do it or talk to my aunts (or here) instead if I really want input from others. Honestly, I don't talk to her much at all anymore and it's a lot less stressful.
|
|
gacpa
Familiar Member
Joined: Nov 19, 2013 16:08:06 GMT -5
Posts: 738
|
Post by gacpa on Sept 29, 2017 9:41:29 GMT -5
Shooby,
Your points are very valid. I have stopped talking to her about money because she wants to control my money as well as hers. The specific thing that set me off was she mentioned I could use "her employee discount" to buy my next car. Years ago, she criticized me for doing so and thus, since then, I have bought my cars with my own money, with no input from her or my dad. One less thing for her to gripe about. For her to turn around and bait me with that really set me off, which I suspect was her intent. I told her no way was I using her discount. Then she pretended to not understand why and off we go, she is hurt by my answer. After my dad died, my uncle asked to use the discount, he really needed a new car. My mom was livid, but I convinced her to help him buy the car to avoid a family meltdown. Enough drama already, it was not going to cost my mom anything to help. She finally agreed, and he got a new car. He left the car to my sister when he passed.
We can get along fairly well if we don't discuss money, so I try really hard to stick with that rule. I should not have let her see I was upset and I should not have told her I would never use her discount. I should have just said "yeah sure" whatever, and went my own way. That is the only way to keep the peace and I know that. She just caught me at a bad time.
|
|
gacpa
Familiar Member
Joined: Nov 19, 2013 16:08:06 GMT -5
Posts: 738
|
Post by gacpa on Sept 29, 2017 9:55:30 GMT -5
MPL,
Your situation pretty much mirrors mine exactly. I too have stopped asking for her input about decisions I need to make or things I want to do. She always had kind words and praise for anyone but me.
It does not bother me anymore, because I have a good life now and you do too. In fact, her negativity has spurred me on in a way to make sure I appreciate what I do have. You have done well and I am glad you don't have the stress of dealing with her comments.
|
|
happyhoix
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Oct 7, 2011 7:22:42 GMT -5
Posts: 21,609
|
Post by happyhoix on Sept 29, 2017 9:59:07 GMT -5
Happyhoix, This does sound exactly like my mother. She is very controlling and bossy. Your descriptions sound very familiar. Well, what I always did, before my mom died, was to think about how sad it was that she was always so unhappy.
It helped me to think about my mom not as someone who was bossy and often hurt my feelings but as someone who was chronically unhappy and depressed and who unfortunately took that unhappiness out on those closest to her, creating a lot of broken relationships. It allowed me to have a little bit of empathy for her, that she was never able to figure out how to be happy.
That and the fact that I lived several states away from her and didn't call on a daily basis.
|
|
Bonny
Junior Associate
Joined: Nov 17, 2013 10:54:37 GMT -5
Posts: 7,459
Location: No Place Like Home!
|
Post by Bonny on Sept 29, 2017 10:21:38 GMT -5
Happyhoix, This does sound exactly like my mother. She is very controlling and bossy. Your descriptions sound very familiar. Well, what I always did, before my mom died, was to think about how sad it was that she was always so unhappy.
It helped me to think about my mom not as someone who was bossy and often hurt my feelings but as someone who was chronically unhappy and depressed and who unfortunately took that unhappiness out on those closest to her, creating a lot of broken relationships. It allowed me to have a little bit of empathy for her, that she was never able to figure out how to be happy.
That and the fact that I lived several states away from her and didn't call on a daily basis.
This is how I think about my MIL- you all have heard about my stories.
Along with the above, I'll add that MIL is terribly lonely so the negative provoking behavior is actually a cry for attention.
MIL lives 600 miles away. DH calls her every Sunday and makes 4x visits a year. She does have a part-time caregiver who is at the house from about 8am-3pm. She needs more help but is so verbally abusive that every legal, agency referred person quits. Current caregiver is an illegal alien; not ideal but it works for now. Fingers crossed it keeps working.
Good luck OP; dealing with aging parents isn't for sissies.
|
|
yogiii
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 19:38:00 GMT -5
Posts: 5,377
|
Post by yogiii on Sept 29, 2017 11:36:33 GMT -5
You have to be aware of what you are talking about with her. If you call and say "Oh i am looking to buy a new car", then you are inviting her to give input as to what kind of car you should buy. If you are commenting on how much you spent on something, you are inviting her to say "oh you spent too much", etc. So, some of that may be you opening the door to give input that you don't want. Or, you just have to learn to let those comments go as most people just babble all kinds of things in any given conversation. When i was pregnant, DH and i did not discuss our children's names with anyone prior to them being born. I honestly didn't want to hear any input from anyone about it. We choose the names we liked and I didn't want to be swayed by a negative reaction or a "well why not this name instead" kind of thing. So, consider what info you are putting out to her that she can comment on. If she is always been this way, then that is who she is. If not , then she may be having some change in her cognitive function. But, having lost my parents and DH has lost his parents and no matter how old you are, when you lose your parents you still feel like an orphan in the world. I agree with a lot of this and I've needed to do this with my own mother. Apparently she thinks I still need "mothering" and I don't. I don't need her input on every. single. thing. I haven't told her about the whole thing with my ex-friend, and she will probably not find out unless she asks. If she does, I plan to make that conversation as short as possible. I'm finding that mother-daughter relationships seem to be filled with complications that don't seem to exist with son-father/son-mother/daughter-father relationships.I think this is very true also.
|
|
lurkyloo
Junior Associate
“Time means nothing now,” said Toad. “It is just the thing that happens between snacks.”
Joined: Jan 8, 2011 11:26:56 GMT -5
Posts: 6,070
|
Post by lurkyloo on Sept 29, 2017 22:16:54 GMT -5
No one knows how to push our buttons like family.
Survival strategy suggestion: When she says something that makes you want to go on the defensive, just fall silent. If you do it for long enough, she'll probably start trying to fill the silence and possibly go on the defensive herself, with the bonus that it gives you a moment to think "what do I want to do/say here?" DH has cultivated this approach; someone says something offensive just go silent. Not coincidentally, I've found myself using this as a best-practice way to deal with his increasingly untenable mother...
Oh, and limiting your exposure to toxic people is never ever a bad idea. Hugs.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Sept 30, 2017 7:59:47 GMT -5
You have to be aware of what you are talking about with her. If you call and say "Oh i am looking to buy a new car", then you are inviting her to give input as to what kind of car you should buy. If you are commenting on how much you spent on something, you are inviting her to say "oh you spent too much", etc. So, some of that may be you opening the door to give input that you don't want. Or, you just have to learn to let those comments go as most people just babble all kinds of things in any given conversation. When i was pregnant, DH and i did not discuss our children's names with anyone prior to them being born. I honestly didn't want to hear any input from anyone about it. We choose the names we liked and I didn't want to be swayed by a negative reaction or a "well why not this name instead" kind of thing. So, consider what info you are putting out to her that she can comment on. If she is always been this way, then that is who she is. If not , then she may be having some change in her cognitive function. But, having lost my parents and DH has lost his parents and no matter how old you are, when you lose your parents you still feel like an orphan in the world. Interesting that you mention the name thing, because this whole thread reminds me of how my mom acted after we had and named our 2nd child. She called me for weeks imploring that I change his name until I just plain stopped talking to her at all, sometimes just hanging up on her. She finally gave up. My mom had always been difficult, but that was the line in the sand for me. How bad was your child's name? What was her reason?
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Sept 30, 2017 8:16:33 GMT -5
Shooby, Your points are very valid. I have stopped talking to her about money because she wants to control my money as well as hers. The specific thing that set me off was she mentioned I could use "her employee discount" to buy my next car. Years ago, she criticized me for doing so and thus, since then, I have bought my cars with my own money, with no input from her or my dad. One less thing for her to gripe about. For her to turn around and bait me with that really set me off, which I suspect was her intent. I told her no way was I using her discount. Then she pretended to not understand why and off we go, she is hurt by my answer. After my dad died, my uncle asked to use the discount, he really needed a new car. My mom was livid, but I convinced her to help him buy the car to avoid a family meltdown. Enough drama already, it was not going to cost my mom anything to help. She finally agreed, and he got a new car. He left the car to my sister when he passed. We can get along fairly well if we don't discuss money, so I try really hard to stick with that rule. I should not have let her see I was upset and I should not have told her I would never use her discount. I should have just said "yeah sure" whatever, and went my own way. That is the only way to keep the peace and I know that. She just caught me at a bad time. Just one point here. After you told her you didnt' want to use the discount, you could have just ended that there. Instead you took it upon yourself to convince her to give her discount to an uncle, etc. In that way, you were really still engaging with that. Thanks mom, i won't need your discount. Then what she does or doesnt' do with it is totally up to her. If that makes sense.
|
|
Lizard Queen
Senior Associate
103/2024
Joined: Jan 17, 2011 22:19:13 GMT -5
Posts: 14,659
|
Post by Lizard Queen on Sept 30, 2017 9:14:30 GMT -5
Interesting that you mention the name thing, because this whole thread reminds me of how my mom acted after we had and named our 2nd child. She called me for weeks imploring that I change his name until I just plain stopped talking to her at all, sometimes just hanging up on her. She finally gave up. My mom had always been difficult, but that was the line in the sand for me. How bad was your child's name? What was her reason? His name is ******. She personally does not like the name and wanted me to rename him Jack. (Edit for privacy.)
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Sept 30, 2017 10:08:43 GMT -5
Geez, that's not a bad name. I thought maybe you named him something ridiculous that would get him made fun of or unemployable. Like Hitler.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Sept 30, 2017 10:09:08 GMT -5
Although I like Jack, too!!
|
|