Mother's Day with family

[gs11rmb]

minnesotapaintlady - she sounds just lovely!

[formerroomate99]

May 13, 2017 15:57:53 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

May 13, 2017 14:55:21 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

I think people - especially people with spouses and/or kids - just get tired. Your M-F is booked with work and other responsibilities, a good chunk of weekend is dedicated to other chores/kid-related stuff, and you are just too dang drained to pretend to be interested in the 1000th time Uncle Frank told the story about xyz. It's not that we don't love our families - we just don't need to see them for all birthdays/all patriotic holidays/all religious holidays/all hallmark holidays (and yes this is a hallmark holiday in case you all didn't know). I love pizza and ice cream, but I'd be sick of them if I ate them too much.

Believe me, I completely understand, I really really do.

I have a very small family and no dysfunction, so may be it's easy for me to say - but it just makes me sad when people post about how they are "so tired that everyone wants them for the holiday" bc I think it's a good thing  - being loved and wanted and I think family is important.

I think it's more when family wants you to come at ridiculously inconvenient times and/or do the lion's share of the traveling and legwork  that visiting them becomes the burden.  For example, a coworker's sister in law insisted that her kid's birthday be celebrated at 5:30 pm on a Thursday, which meant that my coworker would have to blow off work an hour early, pick up her kid at daycare, and drive a long distance at the height of rush hour.  There was simply no thought given to how her plans were unnecessarily inconveniencing the rest of the family.  And if my coworker didn't go along with this imposition, she would be the bad guy.  

[giramomma]

I didn't look back at some of the responses on page 3.

But I was thinking about this more..in terms of prioritizing birthdays/holidays on the actual day. My MIL really loves me like a daughter. She treats me better than she treats DH.

She still planned a vacation on my birthday this year. And the more I thought about it, my ILs have been gone more often than not on my actual birthday since DH and I have been engaged...

They've also planned a once-in-lifetime trip ( going to Africa for several weeks) during Christmas. DS's first Christmas at that (the most important Christmas for the kid, right...and DS was their first grandchild.)

It has never dawned on me to get upset that they weren't around for these events.

For MILs birthday the past few years, I've planned a ladies day, where the two of us go out for lunch and go shopping/driving all day long.  I actually have taken a day off of work to celebrate with her. It's not happening this year. I can't spare the extra time off and we need to be more careful with our funds.  It doesn't mean I don't love her any less because I need to save my PTO for maternity leave.

We think we can still keep DH working part time, in part so that he can help take care of his parents as they age. Isn't that just as important (and an equal show of love), or perhaps even more important, than making sure we celebrate everyone's birthday on their specific birthday?

[Deleted]

I've never cared about the "actual day" for anything.  Birthdays or holidays.  Because of the cruise, this year will probably be the first time I've even been within 300 miles of ODS on his birthday in 5 years because summer scout camp is always that week.  I'm sure there were plenty years before that that he was at his Dad's on that day too. 

Ex. 2.0 is trying to plan vacation days to take Carrot before we go on our trip and I suggested his birthday (which is on a Monday).  He was like "really?  Don't you want to be with him on his birthday".  Um.  I'll be at work.  And I'll see him on Sunday and Tuesday.  I'm good.

[quince]

The only reason we celebrate birthdays/holidays at ALL is because my parents live near enough and are delighted to host. Adults might get a happy birthday text or call in the ballpark of the actual date. 

We still love each other. We still love our sons even though we don't prioritize making a production of Thanksgiving/Christmas/Birthdays.  My husband and I still love each other even though I have to go look at a personalized wedding gift to get any closer to knowing our actual anniversary date than "sometime in the beginning of July."

There is also a difference between "Loved and Wanted" and "Want you to celebrate in their manner, on their schedule, or there will be passive aggressive or outright aggressive attacks commencing."

[tcu2003]

May 18, 2017 15:13:34 GMT -5 giramomma said:

For MILs birthday the past few years, I've planned a ladies day, where the two of us go out for lunch and go shopping/driving all day long.  I actually have taken a day off of work to celebrate with her. It's not happening this year. I can't spare the extra time off and we need to be more careful with our funds.  It doesn't mean I don't love her any less because I need to save my PTO for maternity leave.

Did I miss an announcement?!?

[giramomma]

May 19, 2017 5:33:12 GMT -5 tcu2003 said:

May 18, 2017 15:13:34 GMT -5 giramomma said:

For MILs birthday the past few years, I've planned a ladies day, where the two of us go out for lunch and go shopping/driving all day long.  I actually have taken a day off of work to celebrate with her. It's not happening this year. I can't spare the extra time off and we need to be more careful with our funds.  It doesn't mean I don't love her any less because I need to save my PTO for maternity leave.

Did I miss an announcement?!?

I stay off the Parenting thread in WIR, for the most part. Mostly a time factor.  But, in short..We are having a Bonus Baby in December. I had an ultrasound ealier this week to confirm dating/heartbeat and all that.

[whoisjohngalt]

May 18, 2017 15:39:42 GMT -5 quince said:

The only reason we celebrate birthdays/holidays at ALL is because my parents live near enough and are delighted to host. Adults might get a happy birthday text or call in the ballpark of the actual date. 

We still love each other. We still love our sons even though we don't prioritize making a production of Thanksgiving/Christmas/Birthdays.  My husband and I still love each other even though I have to go look at a personalized wedding gift to get any closer to knowing our actual anniversary date than "sometime in the beginning of July."

There is also a difference between "Loved and Wanted" and "Want you to celebrate in their manner, on their schedule, or there will be passive aggressive or outright aggressive attacks commencing."

See, right there!  Whether you meant it or not - it comes off judgemental as hell.

[Tennesseer]

May 13, 2017 17:27:48 GMT -5 empress of self-improvement said:

We won't be going to see MIL tomorrow. 1) It takes 2-3 people to get DH into his brother's house. 2) She won't go upstairs anymore, dementia doing a number on her, and DH cannot go downstairs to her and 3) he lives in the bathroom so, while we are in the process of getting that looked into, he prefers not to go out. So home it will be. DH will call her and I'll probably drop her card off sometime in the next couple of weeks. We still have her Christmas card we forgot to give her. We're going to save it for next year since she doesn't remember that she didn't get one.

I laughed at it when they first told me they did it and I laugh now at it. One Mother's Day when my mom was in the Altszheimer's facility, I sent her a Mother's Day card. To make sure she received the card I mailed it to my brother's home and he would hand deliver it to mom.

My sister was visiting my brother and mother that Mother's Day. My brother opened the card before he went to the facility where mom was. He wanted to make it easy for mom to open the card. My brother noticed I had not signed the card as coming from me. So what did my brother and sister do? They signed the card as coming from them. Mom got multiple cards from those two that Mother's Day.

There was no ill intent on my siblings' part to make me look bad (not sending a card) as mom would not even know it was Mother's Day nor who were the people who gave her the cards. I thought it was funny.

[MJ2.0]

May 19, 2017 8:02:59 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

May 18, 2017 15:39:42 GMT -5 quince said:

The only reason we celebrate birthdays/holidays at ALL is because my parents live near enough and are delighted to host. Adults might get a happy birthday text or call in the ballpark of the actual date. 

We still love each other. We still love our sons even though we don't prioritize making a production of Thanksgiving/Christmas/Birthdays.  My husband and I still love each other even though I have to go look at a personalized wedding gift to get any closer to knowing our actual anniversary date than "sometime in the beginning of July."

There is also a difference between "Loved and Wanted" and "Want you to celebrate in their manner, on their schedule, or there will be passive aggressive or outright aggressive attacks commencing."

See, right there!  Whether you meant it or not - it comes off judgemental as hell.

by the same token, saying things like "I can't imagine not wanting to spend time with my family on XYZ holidays/occasions" also comes off as judgemental.

[whoisjohngalt]

May 19, 2017 10:51:45 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

May 19, 2017 8:02:59 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

See, right there!  Whether you meant it or not - it comes off judgemental as hell.

by the same token, saying things like "I can't imagine not wanting to spend time with my family on XYZ holidays/occasions" also comes off as judgemental.

I am not sure if you are saying that I said that.  I didn't

I said that family wanting to see each other on holidays should be a good thing and complaining about it is not nice.

I also didn't say that not spending time with family on bdays/holidays means that the love is not there.

Again, I simply said that complaining about people wanting to see you is.....obnoxious.

I do think that prioritizing family is important.  But then again, I have a small family with no dysfunction (well, minus the IL's part....)

[quince]

My parents DO prioritize making a production of Christmas/Thanksgiving/Birthdays. It's cool, and their thing, and they work with our schedules and we participate. 

Complaints aren't necessarily about people wanting to see you, but about the way they communicate it to you. If they communicate it to you by "cornering" you and asking when you will be over (not IF...WHEN..), then I see the obnoxious in the behavior of the people who want to see you, not in the person who is irritated by it.

[MJ2.0]

May 19, 2017 10:58:13 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

May 19, 2017 10:51:45 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

by the same token, saying things like "I can't imagine not wanting to spend time with my family on XYZ holidays/occasions" also comes off as judgemental.

I am not sure if you are saying that I said that.  I didn't

I said that family wanting to see each other on holidays should be a good thing and complaining about it is not nice.

I also didn't say that not spending time with family on bdays/holidays means that the love is not there.

Again, I simply said that complaining about people wanting to see you is.....obnoxious.

I do think that prioritizing family is important.  But then again, I have a small family with no dysfunction (well, minus the IL's part....)

those statements are also judgemental, lol!

I'm not annoyed at all writing this. I'm just pointing out that a lot of what we say can be seen as judgemental. I try my best to be aware of how stuff comes out, but I sound judgemental often and without realizing or intending it.

We bring our own perspective and baggage into every interaction we have, so we will inevitably offend someone. It's really hard not to. All we can do is try to be aware of what and how we say stuff.

That's all.

FWIW, I don't really care if people complain or gush about seeing their families a lot. Families run the gamut of super awesome to Jerry Springer-awful. And people run the gamut from outgoing and very extroverted to hermit. We are all just doing our best to maximize the happiness in our lives. And sometimes we whine about "dumb stuff". Eh.

[quince]

Judgmental as hell?

OK...

I think it's sad when people spend their time celebrating occasions instead of going about their day to day life.

THAT is judgmental. THAT is assigning some kind of value to how people prioritize their time. 

Also, THAT is not true. I don't find it sad. I totally get it. Different people have different priorities and that is OK, as long as you don't aggressively push your priorities on to other people.

I think prioritizing family is important. My definition of family, and what prioritizing looks like might not match other people's definitions. 

[whoisjohngalt]

May 19, 2017 11:18:51 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

May 19, 2017 10:58:13 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

I am not sure if you are saying that I said that.  I didn't

I said that family wanting to see each other on holidays should be a good thing and complaining about it is not nice.

I also didn't say that not spending time with family on bdays/holidays means that the love is not there.

Again, I simply said that complaining about people wanting to see you is.....obnoxious.

I do think that prioritizing family is important.  But then again, I have a small family with no dysfunction (well, minus the IL's part....)

those statements are also judgemental, lol!

I'm not annoyed at all writing this. I'm just pointing out that a lot of what we say can be seen as judgemental. I try my best to be aware of how stuff comes out, but I sound judgemental often and without realizing or intending it.

We bring our own perspective and baggage into every interaction we have, so we will inevitably offend someone. It's really hard not to. All we can do is try to be aware of what and how we say stuff.

That's all.

FWIW, I don't really care if people complain or gush about seeing their families a lot. Families run the gamut of super awesome to Jerry Springer-awful. And people run the gamut from outgoing and very extroverted to hermit. We are all just doing our best to maximize the happiness in our lives. And sometimes we whine about "dumb stuff". Eh.

Fair enough

Very very true.

And yes, we all whine about dumb stuff, for sure. 

But in this instance, it seems to go beyond whining.  The sentiment of OP and many similar ones are accusing others (family members, friends) of being selfish and egotistical bc they want to celebrate something.  *I* find that sentiment obnoxious.  *I* think when people want to spend time with you and celebrate things, it should be viewed as a good thing.  *I* think the lack of desire to celebrate things does not equate to lack of love at all.

But accusing others of selfishness bc they do want to see you, celebrate with you - IS obnoxious.  Is that judgemental?

[MJ2.0]

May 19, 2017 12:34:38 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

May 19, 2017 11:18:51 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

those statements are also judgemental, lol!

I'm not annoyed at all writing this. I'm just pointing out that a lot of what we say can be seen as judgemental. I try my best to be aware of how stuff comes out, but I sound judgemental often and without realizing or intending it.

We bring our own perspective and baggage into every interaction we have, so we will inevitably offend someone. It's really hard not to. All we can do is try to be aware of what and how we say stuff.

That's all.

FWIW, I don't really care if people complain or gush about seeing their families a lot. Families run the gamut of super awesome to Jerry Springer-awful. And people run the gamut from outgoing and very extroverted to hermit. We are all just doing our best to maximize the happiness in our lives. And sometimes we whine about "dumb stuff". Eh.

Fair enough

Very very true.

And yes, we all whine about dumb stuff, for sure. 

But in this instance, it seems to go beyond whining.  The sentiment of OP and many similar ones are accusing others (family members, friends) of being selfish and egotistical bc they want to celebrate something.  *I* find that sentiment obnoxious.  *I* think when people want to spend time with you and celebrate things, it should be viewed as a good thing.  *I* think the lack of desire to celebrate things does not equate to lack of love at all.

But accusing others of selfishness bc they do want to see you, celebrate with you - IS obnoxious.  Is that judgemental?

I honestly think the delivery of the request and the expectation that people will move heaven and hell to do whatever the requester wants is the problem.

[janee]

I don't have kids, but have lots on extended family. One thing I've noticed is if I invite people to an event or just a get-together, I don't always get a prompt "yes" or "no".  By prompt, I mean within a few days.  It's almost like they are waiting for the last minute to see if something else comes up.  I don't mind if you can't make it, just tell me.  Make a decision and let me know.

Generally, I love to host but it takes a little time to plan.  

[Anne_in_VA]

At least you don't have people who say "If John's going to be there, then I'm not coming".  These are DH's family members and I've asked him to tell them we're inviting everyone and we're not going to plan more than one party.  If you don't want to go, then don't.

[tcu2003]

May 19, 2017 6:42:19 GMT -5 giramomma said:

May 19, 2017 5:33:12 GMT -5 tcu2003 said:

Did I miss an announcement?!?

I stay off the Parenting thread in WIR, for the most part. Mostly a time factor.  But, in short..We are having a Bonus Baby in December. I had an ultrasound ealier this week to confirm dating/heartbeat and all that.

Congrats!! So excited for you guys!