Rukh O'Rorke
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Post by Rukh O'Rorke on May 10, 2017 21:54:57 GMT -5
This seems to be a bit of an issue every year for Mother's Day. This past week my sister cornered my wife about what time we're coming over for Mother's Day. Then my in-laws are asking what our plans are for the day. In the end, my wife feels like she's not able to relax and spend time with our kids because we are running around all day. My family is like this with birthdays too....they are upset if we don't celebrate with them on their actual birthday. My in-laws have suggested maybe switching off years where we celebrate with them this year, then my family next year, etc. On those years where we're not with them on Mother's day, we would just see the other family on the Saturday before. To me, this seems like kind of a mature thing to do. I think my family would think that is really rude and that we should just suck it up and drive around for the day. I think what bothers my wife the most is that there doesn't seem to be any acknowledgement from my family that she's also a mom. I mean, they tell her happy mother's day, but they don't acknowledge that maybe she would want to spend time with her family on Mother's day doing things she wants to do. What do you think? make it about your wife, and as someone else mentioned - don't make her the heavy on it.....
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on May 11, 2017 9:19:36 GMT -5
My family is like this with birthdays too....they are upset if we don't celebrate with them on their actual birthday. I was thinking more about this... If the birthday falls on a weekend, OK. But what if the birthday falls on a day where all three of your kids have activities? My kids know that if their birthday falls M-Thurs, hell would actually have to freeze over before we'd do our birthday celebration on their actual birthday. But, we don't think birthdays/sibling birthdays/parent/grandparent birthdays are a good reason to miss games, practices, concerts or anything else that might come up. We also are in birthday season for our family. Five family birthdays plus mother's day in 5 weeks. This is also one of the worst times of the school year, in terms of stuff to manage. No one has time for 5 individual celebrations plus mother's day. We do groups, on the weekends, as close to the actual birthdays as possible.
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Ryan
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Post by Ryan on May 11, 2017 10:06:33 GMT -5
I'm probably in the minority but I can't imagine not doing something with my mom on Mother's Day. She is the reason I'm here. She deserves to be honored as much as I do. This year we are all going out to a nice dinner. No muss or fuss for anyone.
Edited to fix really strange autocorrects that I didn't realized happened when I posted from my phone! I don't think my wife actually minds spending time with both sides of the family. I just think she wishes they were a little more sympathetic to the fact that she is a mom too and she is the one doing all the legwork running around. I think she would literally be happy if they acknowledged this by saying "I feel bad you have to drive out here on Mother's Day when you should be relaxing". If she heard that, all her annoyance would be gone.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on May 11, 2017 10:10:01 GMT -5
I'm probably in the minority but I can't imagine not doing something with my mom on Mother's Day. She is the reason I'm here. She deserves to be honored as much as I do. This year we are all going out to a nice dinner. No muss or fuss for anyone.
Edited to fix really strange autocorrects that I didn't realized happened when I posted from my phone! I don't think my wife actually minds spending time with both sides of the family. I just think she wishes they were a little more sympathetic to the fact that she is a mom too and she is the one doing all the legwork running around. I think she would literally be happy if they acknowledged this by saying "I feel bad you have to drive out here on Mother's Day when you should be relaxing". If she heard that, all her annoyance would be gone. Then why don't you bring the issue up with your side of the family? I am sure your wife would appreciate YOU taking the lead on making her feel appreciated.
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Ryan
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Post by Ryan on May 11, 2017 10:12:44 GMT -5
My family is like this with birthdays too....they are upset if we don't celebrate with them on their actual birthday. I was thinking more about this... If the birthday falls on a weekend, OK. But what if the birthday falls on a day where all three of your kids have activities? My kids know that if their birthday falls M-Thurs, hell would actually have to freeze over before we'd do our birthday celebration on their actual birthday. But, we don't think birthdays/sibling birthdays/parent/grandparent birthdays are a good reason to miss games, practices, concerts or anything else that might come up. We also are in birthday season for our family. Five family birthdays plus mother's day in 5 weeks. This is also one of the worst times of the school year, in terms of stuff to manage. No one has time for 5 individual celebrations plus mother's day. We do groups, on the weekends, as close to the actual birthdays as possible. Out of the 6 people in my family, 3 of the b-days are within 10 days of each other. This happens to coincide with the beginning of the school year, which is always busy. My family wants to celebrate each day separately. Going even further, my b-day is back to back with another one of my siblings. They originally wanted me to go to my parents house (cause this is what we do) on both my siblings b-day and my b-day, back to back. I put a stop to that several years ago, but they still bring it up. So to answer your questions, we really only have to worry about conflicts on a couple of the b-days since they usually fall during the summer. This year we told my sister that we couldn't make her b-day because my son had a baseball game and she said that she started crying when she saw the text. Then my dad was jokingly, not really, suggesting that my son just skip the game so we could come out and celebrate. I just said "She's not 5 years old, what's the difference on the actual day we celebrate".
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Ryan
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Post by Ryan on May 11, 2017 10:14:00 GMT -5
I don't think my wife actually minds spending time with both sides of the family. I just think she wishes they were a little more sympathetic to the fact that she is a mom too and she is the one doing all the legwork running around. I think she would literally be happy if they acknowledged this by saying "I feel bad you have to drive out here on Mother's Day when you should be relaxing". If she heard that, all her annoyance would be gone. Then why don't you bring the issue up with your side of the family? I am sure your wife would appreciate YOU taking the lead on making her feel appreciated. My wife is non-confrontational so I've offered and she usually just ends up saying she doesn't want to cause any waves. My family used to come to me for plans, but now they go to my wife cause they know she's more of a softie.
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Ryan
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Post by Ryan on May 11, 2017 10:23:35 GMT -5
I should say the root cause of this is that my siblings don't have families of their own. I should also mention that they don't really have friends either. They are really friendly people, they COULD have friends, and they are friendly with a lot of people....but they don't do things with other people their age. They mostly just hang around at my parents house over the weekends and then look for things to do with each other. So like a typical weekend will be spending the night at my parents, hanging around during the day, going to one of my kids sporting events, and then going out to eat with my parents.
In other words, they have kind of a boring life so they live for bigger get togethers like this.
I keep telling my wife, not to sound morbid, but that my parents are going to die at some point so they shouldn't be the center of their life and source of entertainment.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on May 11, 2017 11:44:39 GMT -5
I'm probably in the minority but I can't imagine not doing something with my mom on Mother's Day. She is the reason I'm here. She deserves to be honored as much as I do. This year we are all going out to a nice dinner. No muss or fuss for anyone.
Edited to fix really strange autocorrects that I didn't realized happened when I posted from my phone! I don't think my wife actually minds spending time with both sides of the family. I just think she wishes they were a little more sympathetic to the fact that she is a mom too and she is the one doing all the legwork running around. I think she would literally be happy if they acknowledged this by saying "I feel bad you have to drive out here on Mother's Day when you should be relaxing". If she heard that, all her annoyance would be gone. Very valid point
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on May 11, 2017 14:51:46 GMT -5
I am sure your wife would appreciate YOU taking the lead on making her feel appreciated. a thousand times over. Just sayin' . . .
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on May 11, 2017 15:00:39 GMT -5
I should say the root cause of this is that my siblings don't have families of their own. I should also mention that they don't really have friends either. They are really friendly people, they COULD have friends, and they are friendly with a lot of people....but they don't do things with other people their age. They mostly just hang around at my parents house over the weekends and then look for things to do with each other. So like a typical weekend will be spending the night at my parents, hanging around during the day, going to one of my kids sporting events, and then going out to eat with my parents. In other words, they have kind of a boring life so they live for bigger get togethers like this. I keep telling my wife, not to sound morbid, but that my parents are going to die at some point so they shouldn't be the center of their life and source of entertainment. At the risk of sounding cold and heartless: you are not responsible for your siblings' choices. It is not your job to placate them or entertain them and/or cow-tow to them because they "don't have families of their own." You are not responsible for them feeling like the only thing they live for is get-togethers; THEY are. THEY are responsible for their lives and their feelings. You have a primary responsibility to your spouse and your children, not them. Of course you love them and want to spend time socializing with them, but on mutually convenient terms, not if they're going to be emotional tyrants pulling guilt strings with birthdays and holidays . . . JMHO.
<< Kittensaver runs off to put on her flameproof suit >>
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 11, 2017 15:01:11 GMT -5
I hate Mothers Day, it's just another cruel reminder to DW she couldn't have a kid and she's depressed all weekend. Shes 38 and looks younger so still gets questions about it all the time.
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ZaireinHD
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Post by ZaireinHD on May 11, 2017 22:38:05 GMT -5
I don't have any kids, in laws, etc. so I'm probably not qualified to weigh in. But I would make the day about your wife. I have several friends who did everything to honor their mothers/MILs when their own kids were at home. Now their kids are out on their own and having kids, and everything is now about them. My friends feel a bit screwed out of their turn to have a special day. And that pretty much goes for all holidays. You can certainly do something to acknowledge the older generation whether that's a card or a get together on another day, but that doesn't mean the day has to be all about them...your wife deserves a turn as well.
it is Mothers Day your wife is a Mother herself - so she gets to do what she wants to do including stay home, not see anyone, be anti social, relax, be happy, day dream.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 12, 2017 5:45:29 GMT -5
Make plans for your wife and do them. Or at least have some sort of celebration for her and maybe drop by your family later.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on May 12, 2017 6:49:20 GMT -5
May I suggest another way?
Both my daughters have birthdays this weekend. Mother's day will literally never be a relaxing day for me. I get that and it's fine.
But it would mean A LOT to me if my husband were to say:
I know you don't really get a mother's day because of the crazy. So let's celebrate mother's day next weekend, just us.
Your parents and families care a lot about the actual date. Your wife probably less so. So pick another date to have your kids honor your wife.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on May 12, 2017 7:25:04 GMT -5
I should say the root cause of this is that my siblings don't have families of their own. I should also mention that they don't really have friends either. They are really friendly people, they COULD have friends, and they are friendly with a lot of people....but they don't do things with other people their age. They mostly just hang around at my parents house over the weekends and then look for things to do with each other. So like a typical weekend will be spending the night at my parents, hanging around during the day, going to one of my kids sporting events, and then going out to eat with my parents. In other words, they have kind of a boring life so they live for bigger get togethers like this. I keep telling my wife, not to sound morbid, but that my parents are going to die at some point so they shouldn't be the center of their life and source of entertainment. At the risk of sounding cold and heartless: you are not responsible for your siblings' choices. It is not your job to placate them or entertain them and/or cow-tow to them because they "don't have families of their own." You are not responsible for them feeling like the only thing they live for is get-togethers; THEY are. THEY are responsible for their lives and their feelings. You have a primary responsibility to your spouse and your children, not them. Of course you love them and want to spend time socializing with them, but on mutually convenient terms, not if they're going to be emotional tyrants pulling guilt strings with birthdays and holidays . . . JMHO.
<< Kittensaver runs off to put on her flameproof suit >>
and this from an only child who has an only child who has no children
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 13, 2017 7:11:08 GMT -5
Holidays are always a source of pain at our house. Many of you have offered suggestions over the years, but none work. My husband no longer lets me plan anything because he hates to see me cry when it gets cancelled yet again. We called and asked if we could drop presents off after Christmas a couple of years ago. It has gotten that bad. The breaking point was my DIL wanting Thanksgiving dinner at 10 a.m. It is now what it is. I know I am quoting myself. I thought you guys would "appreciate" this. My daughter calls last night (Friday) and says, "Mother's Day is Sunday. We were wondering how you want to celebrate." My response was whatever worked best for them. Then she says, "You will be so excited." Her husband's brother is recovering from minor surgery so they put off Mother's Day at her MIL's for a week. She celebrated with her grandmother, who lives in a senior community, on Wednesday. Her step-mother and my ex are celebrating their anniversary this weekend out of town. "So it's all about you!" Uh, huh. Something like that . . .
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OldCoyote
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Post by OldCoyote on May 13, 2017 8:11:16 GMT -5
Both my wife and my mom's are gone,, I wish we had spent more time with them! Yea, we always had an excuse!
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on May 13, 2017 8:20:02 GMT -5
Suggest to your adult family members that you all set aside one weekend day between Mother's Day and Father's Day and call it Parent's Day. Save your Hallmark cards for exchange that day while you all meet at a restuarant or some other neutral place. Those participating would include your in-laws,, hence the neutral location. No one should feel slighted you did not celebrate at their home.
Win-win for all including your adult siblings with no immediate families of their own. They get to party with relatives.
Tell each of your parents you want to begin and create traditions with your children in your own home and they are welcome to visit-just call ahead.
There does come a time when the parents of adult children who now have children of their own come in second place when it comes to holidays. They are the ones, if mobile, to do the visiting of their adult children and grandchildren.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on May 13, 2017 8:45:39 GMT -5
Then why don't you bring the issue up with your side of the family? I am sure your wife would appreciate YOU taking the lead on making her feel appreciated. My wife is non-confrontational so I've offered and she usually just ends up saying she doesn't want to cause any waves. My family used to come to me for plans, but now they go to my wife cause they know she's more of a softie. Non-confrontational or not, who wouldn't like their spouse standing up for them? I am a very strong personality and have never needed DH to take up my confrontations. But - it means a LOT to me when he stands up for me without me asking. It makes me feel loved, it makes me feel honored and it makes me emotional that he would stick up for me for the right thing, even to his family. Your wife complains and then lets it go. Then she complains again and then again let's it go. Don't you think her complaining every year means she is expecting a different outcome? You don't have to wait for her to demand that you do it for her..... Don't push her to her breaking point.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 13, 2017 8:51:09 GMT -5
Holidays are always a source of pain at our house. Many of you have offered suggestions over the years, but none work. My husband no longer lets me plan anything because he hates to see me cry when it gets cancelled yet again. We called and asked if we could drop presents off after Christmas a couple of years ago. It has gotten that bad. The breaking point was my DIL wanting Thanksgiving dinner at 10 a.m. It is now what it is. I know I am quoting myself. I thought you guys would "appreciate" this. My daughter calls last night (Friday) and says, "Mother's Day is Sunday. We were wondering how you want to celebrate." My response was whatever worked best for them. Then she says, "You will be so excited." Her husband's brother is recovering from minor surgery so they put off Mother's Day at her MIL's for a week. She celebrated with her grandmother, who lives in a senior community, on Wednesday. Her step-mother and my ex are celebrating their anniversary this weekend out of town. "So it's all about you!" Uh, huh. Something like that . . . You need to talk to her. Seriously.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on May 13, 2017 8:58:23 GMT -5
Holidays are always a source of pain at our house. Many of you have offered suggestions over the years, but none work. My husband no longer lets me plan anything because he hates to see me cry when it gets cancelled yet again. We called and asked if we could drop presents off after Christmas a couple of years ago. It has gotten that bad. The breaking point was my DIL wanting Thanksgiving dinner at 10 a.m. It is now what it is. I know I am quoting myself. I thought you guys would "appreciate" this. My daughter calls last night (Friday) and says, "Mother's Day is Sunday. We were wondering how you want to celebrate." My response was whatever worked best for them. Then she says, "You will be so excited." Her husband's brother is recovering from minor surgery so they put off Mother's Day at her MIL's for a week. She celebrated with her grandmother, who lives in a senior community, on Wednesday. Her step-mother and my ex are celebrating their anniversary this weekend out of town. "So it's all about you!" Uh, huh. Something like that . . . Are YOU ok going? IMVHO, it ultimately boils down to what you want. She definitely shouldn't be treating you this way, like you are the last on her list and more like a chore. But at the same time, she is your daughter. Just how much would you not meet her. It's a hard place for you Susana. I feel for you :/ Sorry that you have to go through this.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 13, 2017 9:00:25 GMT -5
I agree. I have a friend who finally confronted her son about how she was treated by DIL. It stopped, immediately.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on May 13, 2017 9:07:00 GMT -5
I know I am quoting myself. I thought you guys would "appreciate" this. My daughter calls last night (Friday) and says, "Mother's Day is Sunday. We were wondering how you want to celebrate." My response was whatever worked best for them. Then she says, "You will be so excited." Her husband's brother is recovering from minor surgery so they put off Mother's Day at her MIL's for a week. She celebrated with her grandmother, who lives in a senior community, on Wednesday. Her step-mother and my ex are celebrating their anniversary this weekend out of town. "So it's all about you!" Uh, huh. Something like that . . . Are YOU ok going? IMVHO, it ultimately boils down to what you want. She definitely shouldn't be treating you this way, like you are the last on her list and more like a chore. But at the same time, she is your daughter. Just how much would you not meet her. It's a hard place for you Susana. I feel for you :/ Sorry that you have to go through this. What about from the daughter's POV? It sounds like she has a lot of people to please/demanding her time.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on May 13, 2017 9:13:45 GMT -5
Are YOU ok going? IMVHO, it ultimately boils down to what you want. She definitely shouldn't be treating you this way, like you are the last on her list and more like a chore. But at the same time, she is your daughter. Just how much would you not meet her. It's a hard place for you Susana. I feel for you :/ Sorry that you have to go through this. What about from the daughter's POV? It sounds like she has a lot of people to please/demanding her time. I agree. But based on Susana's posts over the years, her DD always does this to her i.e. Expect her to understand and compromise while DD's MIL and stepmom take preference in plans. Listen, DD is probably overbooked. But imo it would be good idea to do this on a rotation basis. Every year a different mom in DD's life gets to celebrate on the actual day and the others before or after. It's not fair to SUsanna that SHE gets the short end of the stick year after year after year.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 13, 2017 9:57:25 GMT -5
Are YOU ok going? IMVHO, it ultimately boils down to what you want. She definitely shouldn't be treating you this way, like you are the last on her list and more like a chore. But at the same time, she is your daughter. Just how much would you not meet her. It's a hard place for you Susana. I feel for you :/ Sorry that you have to go through this. What about from the daughter's POV? It sounds like she has a lot of people to please/demanding her time. I do see my daughter's POV. But this isn't a Mother's Day thing. It is every single holiday every single year. But I wasn't really complaining. I was just laughing at the idea that "it's all about you this year" after she runs through the list. It's like a prom date telling you to be excited because Jennifer, Ashley, and Becca all had other plans.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on May 13, 2017 11:45:16 GMT -5
What about from the daughter's POV? It sounds like she has a lot of people to please/demanding her time. I do see my daughter's POV. But this isn't a Mother's Day thing. It is every single holiday every single year. But I wasn't really complaining. I was just laughing at the idea that "it's all about you this year" after she runs through the list. It's like a prom date telling you to be excited because Jennifer, Ashley, and Becca all had other plans. Well, I probably haven't read all the posts about this for years and years but it is just a fact of life that she has all of those people to juggle on all holidays, you included. I'm guessing your personalities clash, so what she thinks she is saying and how you interpret what she is saying are likely often two different things. I'm not saying you are right or wrong, you are entitled to your feelings but she may be overwhelmed with her responsibilities. Isn't this the person who is a pharmacist and has 4 or 5 kids?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 13, 2017 11:59:54 GMT -5
I do see my daughter's POV. But this isn't a Mother's Day thing. It is every single holiday every single year. But I wasn't really complaining. I was just laughing at the idea that "it's all about you this year" after she runs through the list. It's like a prom date telling you to be excited because Jennifer, Ashley, and Becca all had other plans. Well, I probably haven't read all the posts about this for years and years but it is just a fact of life that she has all of those people to juggle on all holidays, you included. I'm guessing your personalities clash, so what she thinks she is saying and how you interpret what she is saying are likely often two different things. I'm not saying you are right or wrong, you are entitled to your feelings but she may be overwhelmed with her responsibilities. Isn't this the person who is a pharmacist and has 4 or 5 kids? It is. And you are right about her working and having 5 kids. But we don't "clash" . . . at least personality wise. I'm looking forward to seeing her.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on May 13, 2017 14:03:19 GMT -5
I don't have time to get on my soap box bc I need to go and get my Mother's day cupcakes, so I'll just say this: I am so freaking tired of hearing how "you just have to set your boundaries" and "do what you want" "and your family or her/his family can just shove it" blah blah blah Yes, the greatest tragedy in the world - all the family members want to spend time with other family members on holidays. OMG, the horror! Well, it's no one's fault, it's the way of life now that people have to travel and yes, it's draining and not fun. But so freaking what If you hate it so much - lock the doors and don't see each other. But why the constant whining about how everyone wants to spend time with everyone This is not to anyone in particular, it's just it's the same crap from different posters on pretty much every holiday. "Poor us, we are so torn from all those people wanting to see our kids and spend time with us". whaaa whaaa whaaa
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on May 13, 2017 14:04:37 GMT -5
I'm probably in the minority but I can't imagine not doing something with my mom on Mother's Day. She is the reason I'm here. She deserves to be honored as much as I do. This year we are all going out to a nice dinner. No muss or fuss for anyone.
Edited to fix really strange autocorrects that I didn't realized happened when I posted from my phone! yeah, well, what else is new ?
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on May 13, 2017 14:07:27 GMT -5
My family is like this with birthdays too....they are upset if we don't celebrate with them on their actual birthday. I was thinking more about this... If the birthday falls on a weekend, OK. But what if the birthday falls on a day where all three of your kids have activities? My kids know that if their birthday falls M-Thurs, hell would actually have to freeze over before we'd do our birthday celebration on their actual birthday. But, we don't think birthdays/sibling birthdays/parent/grandparent birthdays are a good reason to miss games, practices, concerts or anything else that might come up.
We also are in birthday season for our family. Five family birthdays plus mother's day in 5 weeks. This is also one of the worst times of the school year, in terms of stuff to manage. No one has time for 5 individual celebrations plus mother's day. We do groups, on the weekends, as close to the actual birthdays as possible. I think it's sad. I think celebrating is such a great thing, especially when you can do it with the family.
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