Ryan
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Post by Ryan on May 10, 2017 14:28:25 GMT -5
This seems to be a bit of an issue every year for Mother's Day. This past week my sister cornered my wife about what time we're coming over for Mother's Day. Then my in-laws are asking what our plans are for the day. In the end, my wife feels like she's not able to relax and spend time with our kids because we are running around all day.
My family is like this with birthdays too....they are upset if we don't celebrate with them on their actual birthday. My in-laws have suggested maybe switching off years where we celebrate with them this year, then my family next year, etc. On those years where we're not with them on Mother's day, we would just see the other family on the Saturday before. To me, this seems like kind of a mature thing to do. I think my family would think that is really rude and that we should just suck it up and drive around for the day.
I think what bothers my wife the most is that there doesn't seem to be any acknowledgement from my family that she's also a mom. I mean, they tell her happy mother's day, but they don't acknowledge that maybe she would want to spend time with her family on Mother's day doing things she wants to do.
What do you think?
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on May 10, 2017 14:32:42 GMT -5
I think that some families are more trouble than they are worth. You are adults now and can choose how you wish to spend Mother's Day and birthdays. Maybe it's time to make new traditions and set some boundaries. You can also pick different days to celebrate so that everybody is happy. Good luck!
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busymom
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Post by busymom on May 10, 2017 14:35:47 GMT -5
We learned, after one year when the kids were little, & we traveled to one side of the family for Christmas Eve, the other side for Christmas Day, & we felt we were punishing the kids by making them spend a good chunk of the holidays in the car, that we were no longer going to try to see both side of the family on any holiday. They were going to have to learn to take turns. Those who don't like it, well too bad. So, we did all holidays that way while both sets of parents were still alive, and guess what? They survived. I'm sorry to say, your side of the family sounds a bit spoiled. Sounds like you'll have to be the first to break tradition, and if they whine about it, tell them it's high time to GROW UP. Good luck! (Let us know how it goes.)
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on May 10, 2017 14:39:10 GMT -5
Makes me glad we don't live near our family . For most of our adult lives we lived 9 hours from my parents and 3 hours from in laws. But we are much closer to my family and always have issues with the in laws. Once we had kids, it was no more travel for holidays unless we really wanted to. Now kids are grown, and we are 2 hours from MIL and 14 hours from my family. This year we saw all of them last weekend for DS college graduation. So they only get cards. And MIL birthday is on Mother's Day, so she got 2 cards. And I fussed at DH because he got expensive cards so total was $12 with stamps.
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dee27
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Post by dee27 on May 10, 2017 14:44:52 GMT -5
The only holiday that was sacred in my nuclear family was Christmas Eve when all of us celebrated together. For Mother's Day, sometimes we all went out to dinner and other times everyone came to my house to celebrate with Mom and MIL. Nothing was written in stone, and we did try to be flexible, but I didn't care as long as we could spend time with our loved ones even if it was not on the exact day.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on May 10, 2017 14:47:18 GMT -5
Didn't we have this discussion last year? I've just gotten to where I stay home and call Mom, sometimes she gets a card, sometimes she doesn't. I suck at the whole card thing, but she knows I love her. And she sees me all the time, she's less than 10 minutes away.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on May 10, 2017 14:54:58 GMT -5
I think your wife is an adult and can put some boundaries up about what she wants to do.
When my first was born, I was pretty adament about making our own rituals. Because I figured, if I waited until the grands passed away to start our own family thing, it would be too late, and likely that my kids would procreate and want to do their own thing.
I don't get the whole "must get together" for the holiday on the holiday, thing, anyway.
I had a really nice day with the peanut yesterday. Even though I had to work it was very relaxing, dare I say better than a hallmark holiday.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on May 10, 2017 15:02:21 GMT -5
This seems to be a bit of an issue every year for Mother's Day. This past week my sister cornered my wife about what time we're coming over for Mother's Day. Then my in-laws are asking what our plans are for the day. In the end, my wife feels like she's not able to relax and spend time with our kids because we are running around all day. My family is like this with birthdays too....they are upset if we don't celebrate with them on their actual birthday. My in-laws have suggested maybe switching off years where we celebrate with them this year, then my family next year, etc. On those years where we're not with them on Mother's day, we would just see the other family on the Saturday before. To me, this seems like kind of a mature thing to do. I think my family would think that is really rude and that we should just suck it up and drive around for the day. I think what bothers my wife the most is that there doesn't seem to be any acknowledgement from my family that she's also a mom. I mean, they tell her happy mother's day, but they don't acknowledge that maybe she would want to spend time with her family on Mother's day doing things she wants to do. What do you think? why is this just now an issue? I assume it's been a problem for some time. Just figure out what you want to do and do it. Life is too short to spend that much time trying to appease grown adults who should understand your lives don't revolve around them. Oh, and start requiring that if they want to make plans on X day that they need to give you at least 2 weeks notice beforehand. Then you have an easy out for the old last minute "hey, what are your plans for XYZ holiday?"
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Happy prose
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Post by Happy prose on May 10, 2017 15:04:32 GMT -5
I have just one daughter, who is getting married next month, so has a soon to be MIL. Usually my Dd and I spend the day doing something like beach, or hiking/picnic. They are forcasting a very rainy weekend, so I'm going to be a big person and suggest she goes by MIL, and we can celebrate the following weekend.
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Ryan
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Post by Ryan on May 10, 2017 15:21:00 GMT -5
We learned, after one year when the kids were little, & we traveled to one side of the family for Christmas Eve, the other side for Christmas Day, & we felt we were punishing the kids by making them spend a good chunk of the holidays in the car, that we were no longer going to try to see both side of the family on any holiday. They were going to have to learn to take turns. Those who don't like it, well too bad. So, we did all holidays that way while both sets of parents were still alive, and guess what? They survived. I'm sorry to say, your side of the family sounds a bit spoiled. Sounds like you'll have to be the first to break tradition, and if they whine about it, tell them it's high time to GROW UP. Good luck! (Let us know how it goes.) Yes, they are spoiled. Particularly on my mom’s side, they come from a long line of treating the matriarch of the family like royalty. My mom and my aunts used to do the same thing to my grandma. My mom was actually probably the least likely to fawn over her mom, but they talked on the phone everyday and certain aunts used to visit my grandma every single day (they lived a few towns over). All my cousins were really close with my grandma with pretty much the exception of me and my siblings. My grandma was a nice lady, but not really interested in anything that was going on with me…she didn’t play games or come watch me play sports, so I was never really close with her. All my cousins on the other hand, were really close with her and I think they sorta act the same way towards their mothers. To kind of add insult to injury, my parents were always way too nurturing to a couple of my sisters when they should’ve been encouraging them to step outside their comfort zones, meet new friends, and move out of the house. Eventually, they did move out of the house but they literally come back every weekend and spend the weekends at my parents house. So the bottom line is that these couple of sisters don’t have much going on in their life, so everything is made into a big deal by them. They couldn’t imagine not seeing my parents over a weekend, let alone on mothers day! Also adding to the problem is that we have the only grandkids, so we kind of are the party in their eyes. My wife will complain about it, but will never want me to take action and just tell them we’re not coming because she’s too nice. If my siblings were in the same boat as us, we might have some sympathy but that doesn’t seem to be the case.
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Annie7
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Post by Annie7 on May 10, 2017 15:27:55 GMT -5
If you are going to switch which side to spend a holiday with for the actual day, I'd suggest make it 3 ways and not just 2 ways. One year with your family, one with hers and one on your own. They can both come to you on your year or you can go out and do what you want that year without having to worry about them.
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Ryan
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Post by Ryan on May 10, 2017 15:28:58 GMT -5
If I didn't know better, I would think you were my husband. Seriously, he could have written every word of the OP. This year, though, it was my fault (DH has gotten better about telling his family the road travels the same both ways -- he doesn't like driving any more than I do). Monday when I was talking to my mom on the phone, she asked "you're coming over Sunday, right?" I said "Nnnn.." and then remembered she is coming over tonight to babysit DD while DH and I go to a concert... needless to say, I will be spending my Mother's Day on the road this year, because of course it's not fair to drive to my mom's house and not see MIL too (they live at opposite ends of the same county, DH and I are a few counties north). Weak! Maybe next year... (Father's Day, OTOH, is usually better -- I don't talk to my dad, so it only leaves DH and FIL to battle it out, and they are both OK not seeing each other on the actual day, so we stay home ) Yes, that's kind of my problem too. Our family (in partular, one of my sisters) helps out with babysitting. I should say that we really could manage without her help, but we figure that it's kind of killing 2 birds with one stone i.e. allowing her to see the kids and us to go out. On the other hand, she is able to help us out when we need it because my parents gave her the equivalent of a no-show job (or minimum show job) in my dad's business....which happens to be the business that I started. So in a way, I'm kinda paying her already
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on May 10, 2017 15:35:58 GMT -5
OK, you seriously are my husband... Everyone on MIL's side of the family lives on subdivided tracts of the family farm (grandma, MIL, 2 aunts and several basement-dwelling cousins, and one SIL). Since we are the ones who "moved away," the onus of visiting seems to be on us... I try to remind myself I will really feel like an asshole for complaining about a 1hr drive when I no longer have a mother or MIL to visit, but it only works sometimes. That kind of depends on how much you actually like the person you're complaining about.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 10, 2017 15:39:27 GMT -5
Holidays are always a source of pain at our house. Many of you have offered suggestions over the years, but none work. My husband no longer lets me plan anything because he hates to see me cry when it gets cancelled yet again.
We called and asked if we could drop presents off after Christmas a couple of years ago. It has gotten that bad. The breaking point was my DIL wanting Thanksgiving dinner at 10 a.m.
It is now what it is.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on May 10, 2017 16:18:16 GMT -5
My SIL has always maintained that Mother's Day and Father's day were to be celebrated with their kids. They have never celebrated Mother's Day with my family. My Mom has never made an issue of it, but I always felt the pressure to be in 2 places at once. We have always lucked out b/c in Mexico Mother's day is always May 10th, no matter what day of the week it falls on, so we never had to really try to attend 2 dinners on the same day.
This year DS Graduates from College on Saturday, and my Mom is going with us. My kids are sharing an apartment, and DD has to be out by Saturday, and DS has until Sunday b/c he is Graduating on Saturday. Hopefully we will be able to move DD's stuff right to the apartment she is moving to for next year, but if not, everything is coming home with us on Sunday.
My Mom wanted to do Mother's day at her house, but my DN called and asked us to go to a restaurant for Brunch. The restaurant he picked was about 45 mins. from my house. I was trying to work it out without forcing DS to get up really early, b/c he plans to go out with friends in his college town on Saturday...and I ended up realizing that with him needing to be out of his apartment by Noon on Sunday, celebrating Mother's day with my Mom was not a reality. Oddly enough, when DN tried to move Mother's day to a restaurant, suddenly my Brother and SIL were attending the family celebration. DN says her issue was that no one should have to cook on Mother's day. The family could not get a reservation at a time that would work for them, so they are all going to be at my Mom's for Lunch.
Our plans are rather loose right now. They will probably firm up after Graduation on Saturday.
Even my kids figured out that we always seemed to be going to one place, and then the other, and we were always missing the same people. If we are going to try to hit both Parent's houses the same day we shift which one we go to first and second. We also requested to move some of the holidays to the weekend before. This year Easter was moved to the weekend before Easter. I thought it was b/c I requested this at Christmas, and we had discussed it. When they told me the date and time I did not say boo, b/c I thought it was for me. I got to my Mom's and they said it was my DN that requested the holiday be moved B/C his family was going to FL for Easter Week. I laughed at my Mom though b/c I told her that both my Sis and SIL had offered to do Easter. She totally did not remember that.
My SIL has always been firm on Mother's day and Father's day being a family thing, our other Holidays are kind of an issue b/c she has a large family and they have the largest house, so her family wants them to host all the holidays. I was told my family is willing to move the date/time for the family celebration around as long as it is done in far enough in advance. DH's family said they would also be willing to do the same after we said my family had celebrated the week before.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on May 10, 2017 16:37:25 GMT -5
Just a thought: why don't YOU step up and take the lead with both families (so your wife doesn't have to feel guilty)?
When they ask about plans, say: "the kids and I are going to be home and celebrate Dear Wife and call it what it is: a special day for her. She is the core of our little family and we want to honor her that way. But we'd be happy to get together with you [name the date and time or a range of days]. And we'll be sure to call Grandma on Sunday."
Just a thought . . . if you are prepared for shaking up the families a little and for the inevitable blow-back, and can (pleasantly and tactfully) find a way to stand your ground, your wife would probably (not so secretly) love you for it . . .
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 10, 2017 16:41:25 GMT -5
Mother's day, just like every other holiday it seems is exhausting for me. I don't know what our plans are, but somehow I'm sure I was supposed to be the one to make them and am in trouble with someone for dropping the ball. I stole an idea from Rukh O'Rorke and my plan when my kids have kids is to try to make mothers day/fathers day all about them at least when the kids are little.
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Artemis Windsong
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Post by Artemis Windsong on May 10, 2017 16:42:57 GMT -5
This seems to be a bit of an issue every year for Mother's Day. This past week my sister cornered my wife about what time we're coming over for Mother's Day. Then my in-laws are asking what our plans are for the day. In the end, my wife feels like she's not able to relax and spend time with our kids because we are running around all day. My family is like this with birthdays too....they are upset if we don't celebrate with them on their actual birthday. My in-laws have suggested maybe switching off years where we celebrate with them this year, then my family next year, etc. On those years where we're not with them on Mother's day, we would just see the other family on the Saturday before. To me, this seems like kind of a mature thing to do. I think my family would think that is really rude and that we should just suck it up and drive around for the day. I think what bothers my wife the most is that there doesn't seem to be any acknowledgement from my family that she's also a mom. I mean, they tell her happy mother's day, but they don't acknowledge that maybe she would want to spend time with her family on Mother's day doing things she wants to do. What do you think? Vacation to an exotic location for the weekend. Make it perpetual. Nearly every state has a park where you can completely check out in a rented cabin, tent or yurt. Tell the family you are unable to do thus and so. No explanation why.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 10, 2017 16:55:36 GMT -5
Just a thought: why don't YOU step up and take the lead with both families (so your wife doesn't have to feel guilty)?
When they ask about plans, say: "the kids and I are going to be home and celebrate Dear Wife and call it what it is: a special day for her. She is the core of our little family and we want to honor her that way. But we'd be happy to get together with you [name the date and time or a range of days]. And we'll be sure to call Grandma on Sunday."
Just a thought . . . if you are prepared for shaking up the families a little and for the inevitable blow-back, and can (pleasantly and tactfully) find a way to stand your ground, your wife would probably (not so secretly) love you for it . . .
I'd rather dh take the kids to see his mom and give me time to myself, or time for me to hang out with my mom/sister, etc. I love my kids, I swear, but I always laugh that what I really want for mothers day, birthday, etc is just time by myself.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 10, 2017 16:56:24 GMT -5
Holidays are always a source of pain at our house. Many of you have offered suggestions over the years, but none work. My husband no longer lets me plan anything because he hates to see me cry when it gets cancelled yet again. We called and asked if we could drop presents off after Christmas a couple of years ago. It has gotten that bad. The breaking point was my DIL wanting Thanksgiving dinner at 10 a.m. It is now what it is. Sorry SS.
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formerroomate99
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Post by formerroomate99 on May 10, 2017 17:12:34 GMT -5
This sort of thing made it very easy for me to move several states away from all family.
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dannylion
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Post by dannylion on May 10, 2017 17:13:55 GMT -5
Sometimes I am sad that I do not have any family.
Other times, not so much.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on May 10, 2017 17:17:25 GMT -5
Oh boy, let's not get me started on this.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on May 10, 2017 17:39:41 GMT -5
Marry someone whose family lives on the opposite side of the country.
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Anne_in_VA
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Post by Anne_in_VA on May 10, 2017 18:45:54 GMT -5
Or in another country altogether.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on May 10, 2017 19:05:56 GMT -5
Or in another country altogether. And I am the WINNER with two sons on different continents and I am on the third one Actually we have always celebrated whatever/whenever it suited us. And a phone call on (most) mother/father days were as far as that went. I am sure they'll call on Sunday but then they do that just about every week anyway.
Now when little the kids went through a period they would serve me breakfast in bed, climb in bed with me and proceed to eat all the food. I would be in charge of (a) cleaning up the kitchen and (b) getting all those irritating crumbs out of my bed. Still, all in all, I have wonderful memories of those times.
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tallguy
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Post by tallguy on May 10, 2017 20:50:28 GMT -5
This seems to be a bit of an issue every year for Mother's Day. This past week my sister cornered my wife about what time we're coming over for Mother's Day. Then my in-laws are asking what our plans are for the day. In the end, my wife feels like she's not able to relax and spend time with our kids because we are running around all day. My family is like this with birthdays too....they are upset if we don't celebrate with them on their actual birthday. My in-laws have suggested maybe switching off years where we celebrate with them this year, then my family next year, etc. On those years where we're not with them on Mother's day, we would just see the other family on the Saturday before. To me, this seems like kind of a mature thing to do. I think my family would think that is really rude and that we should just suck it up and drive around for the day. I think what bothers my wife the most is that there doesn't seem to be any acknowledgement from my family that she's also a mom. I mean, they tell her happy mother's day, but they don't acknowledge that maybe she would want to spend time with her family on Mother's day doing things she wants to do. What do you think? Sorry, folks. The kids and I are going to be spending the day honoring THEIR mother. What other day would be good for you?
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Poptart
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Post by Poptart on May 10, 2017 21:01:51 GMT -5
Ok, this is coming from a dirty orphan with no kids so here it goes. I don't think why your wife should kill herself to try and get to your family or even hers. I think you should make it so that you and your wife celebrate with your kids, make sure you call both your moms to wish them a Happy Mother's day and send a gift, but at the end of the day I think your wife should trump your mother and hers, I'm sure it will be less stressful than having to cut your time in half in order to make everyone happy.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on May 10, 2017 21:18:43 GMT -5
I'm probably in the minority but I can't imagine not doing something with my mom on Mother's Day. She is the reason I'm here. She deserves to be honored as much as I do. This year we are all going out to a nice dinner. No muss or fuss for anyone.
Edited to fix really strange autocorrects that I didn't realized happened when I posted from my phone!
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msventoux
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Post by msventoux on May 10, 2017 21:27:45 GMT -5
I don't have any kids, in laws, etc. so I'm probably not qualified to weigh in. But I would make the day about your wife.
I have several friends who did everything to honor their mothers/MILs when their own kids were at home. Now their kids are out on their own and having kids, and everything is now about them. My friends feel a bit screwed out of their turn to have a special day.
And that pretty much goes for all holidays. You can certainly do something to acknowledge the older generation whether that's a card or a get together on another day, but that doesn't mean the day has to be all about them...your wife deserves a turn as well.
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