NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 23, 2011 11:19:51 GMT -5
I told DH it sounded boring. What do you have to talk about after you have been matched up cause you agree on 85, or whatever it is they claim, topics. I want someoen with a different opinion! If I want to hear mine parroted back I will stand in front of hte mirror and talk to myself.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2011 11:40:58 GMT -5
I want someoen with a different opinion! If I want to hear mine parroted back I will stand in front of hte mirror and talk to myself.
speaking of which, where has LA808 been?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 23, 2011 11:50:42 GMT -5
speaking of which, where has LA808 been?
::snort::
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Post by Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ on Mar 23, 2011 12:02:23 GMT -5
I look for someone who will worship the ground I walk on.... Every broad I've dated does this. They even worship the floor I dance on...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2011 12:09:56 GMT -5
I look for someone who will worship the ground I walk on.... Every broad I've dated does this. They even worship the floor I dance on... especially when you call them "broads".
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Post by Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ on Mar 23, 2011 12:11:29 GMT -5
especially when you call them "broads".
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Mar 23, 2011 12:12:36 GMT -5
Character, integrity and good heart
I got that. I also got someone who always makes me laugh, smart, VERY handy, AMAZING with our kids, values family and good at many many many other things.
Lena
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Plain Old Petunia
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on Mar 23, 2011 12:14:16 GMT -5
I think this is a great question.
I did a bad job picking a marriage partner who suited me. I was micro-managed during my teen years, moved out of the house at age 19, met ex-dh within a year. I had little experience and didn't know myself yet. I married ex-dh at age 21, primarily because we had had sex and I felt that I didn't have a choice. (More correctly, I felt I had already made the choice.) I cared for him but I was not crazy in love with him and I knew it. In retrospect, that felt safe to me and I found it very appealing. We did not want the same things out of life or marriage.
I don't want to get married again; I don't want to make another huge mistake.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Mar 23, 2011 12:15:35 GMT -5
I was too young and stupid to have a list. We fell head over heels in love with each other and didn't think about anything else. I suppose it's worked out 14 years later.
I like to compare these responses to the wife thread. ;D
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hurley1980
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Post by hurley1980 on Mar 23, 2011 12:27:41 GMT -5
But vampires are so sexy! I'd be happy to find a guy with a vehicle, a job, and a sense of humor! Easier said than done. The dating pool gets pretty shallow once you hit 30.....
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Mar 23, 2011 12:48:50 GMT -5
I didn't have a husband list, but I did develop a minimum dating requirement list before I would get too close to someone. 1. somewhat stable employment history 2. does not live with mom and dad 3. is considerate to everyone, not just to the person he wants to date 4. no long string of crazy ex's (I added this one after I started getting some crazy thoughts and realized that the bf was a major contributing factor)
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Mar 23, 2011 12:54:07 GMT -5
Haha - I actually had a list. Here's the condensed version. 1) Financially stable, or at least capable of it (i.e., I was okay with some debt and not being a financial rock star, but I didn't want someone who was a trainwreck, or had zero ability to save and plan). 2) I was fine with spiritual / religious, but I didn't want someone who was a fanatic about it (i.e., couldn't date me if I wasn't part of his belief system and was determined to raise his children within it). 3) Someone to whom I was physically attracted and had great chemistry. I'm not too picky about looks in general, so this was really my only requirement in the looks department. 4) Didn't have children but wanted some and was okay with at least two (I hated being an only child so I've always wanted at least one sibling for my kids). 5) Someone smart who could challenge me. 6) Someone who would put me first (for the most part) and take pride in me. 7) Someone who would include me in his circle of friends and social activities, but also keep good relationships with his friends independent of me. (I hate it when people get so bogged down in Their Relationship that they neglect their friends.) 8) No pets. (I eventually budged on this one - we're getting a kitty very soon ;D) 9) Not an alcoholic, no drugs whatsoever, non-smoker preferred. 10) Able and willing to support himself (i.e., not a mooch by nature). 11) Similar life goals (not identical, but a shared willingness to support one another in our dreams... my preference was that our goals would mesh well). I got pretty lucky My list was long but I got everything on it that was important to me, and I guess I chose my requirements well because DBF is a wonderful partner for me. If I'm ever on the dating scene again, my list will be very similar (if not identical).
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dancinmama
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Post by dancinmama on Mar 23, 2011 12:56:59 GMT -5
I wanted to marry my best friend. I wanted to find a REALLY NICE guy who shared my goals, who would take his marriage vows seriously, and who would make me laugh my ass off. I didn't care what he wanted to do when he grew up as long as he was hard-working and took pride in whatever he did. I met DH in 1978 when he was 21 and I was 20. We have been crazy about each other for over 32 years (or we've driven each other crazy for over 32 years ). We crack each other up constantly. He is extremely hard-working and has done very well professionally. Now, over 32 years later, not only is he STILL my best friend, he is also my "silver fox".
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constanz22
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Post by constanz22 on Mar 23, 2011 12:57:08 GMT -5
But vampires are so sexy! I'd be happy to find a guy with a vehicle, a job, and a sense of humor! Easier said than done. The dating pool gets pretty shallow once you hit 30...../quote] Ditto...you think it's bad now, wait til you hit 40 LOL
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Mar 23, 2011 13:11:57 GMT -5
So to those of you who already knew this criteria before your first marriages, why did you ignore it? Did the guy deceive you to meet your criteria, or did you willingly marry someone against your list?
SuziQ (who seems to be absent at the moment) loves to spout that "love is as good as it gets before the wedding" platitude. I bet she'd say her own marriage has gotten better with time. Though now that I've said so publicly, she'll probably post that it hasn't just to "prove me wrong".
How long were you willing to wait before trimming the list? Certainly the older you get, the less likely someone is to meet the "no baggage/no kids" types of rules. Of course it seems like many people learned from their first marriages as well. As several have said, they had the "silly ideals" (I wanted a fun hottie) and learned that those don't always work out. If I ever had to go back on the market, I wouldn't rule out someone with a past if they had grown stronger and better because of it.
I always envisioned that these lists had weighted averages to them to. Like someone earlier said "no meat/fish in my house" (which I'm not sure would work if you bought a house together, but whatever). I know I might stipulate something similar (no picky eaters/no vegetarians) but be willing to relax on that criteria if someone brought a very high amount of another criteria (driven, perhaps?) to the table.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Mar 23, 2011 13:14:53 GMT -5
Am I the only one who didn't have a list? I wasn't looking for a husband when I met him.
I think it's a good thing when you think about your requirements in advance. I came up with this list way, way before I started dating DBF. It wasn't so much that I was "looking for a husband" as acknowledging that at some point I would want to get married and I wanted to have a realistic picture of what I wanted when that time came.
Then again, I know people who have gotten the total opposite of what they wanted originally and are quite happy (Exhibit A: this thread).
Still, I don't think that people who think out their requirements in advance are obsessed with marriage or desperate to find someone or anything like that.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2011 13:15:35 GMT -5
WWBG, I'd guess that the "lists" had some wiggle room, but I know that there were some things I refused to budge on:
1. I don't want to marry an idiot 2. I don't want to marry a jerk 3. I don't want to marry someone who just floats through life
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Mar 23, 2011 13:25:43 GMT -5
How long were you willing to wait before trimming the list? Certainly the older you get, the less likely someone is to meet the "no baggage/no kids" types of rules. Of course it seems like many people learned from their first marriages as well. As several have said, they had the "silly ideals" (I wanted a fun hottie) and learned that those don't always work out. If I ever had to go back on the market, I wouldn't rule out someone with a past if they had grown stronger and better because of it. I started out with no list and dated some guys for no reason other than I liked they way they looked when they played their guitar. I created the list over time because I was trying to learn from my mistakes so I wouldn't keep repeating them. For example, the one about the guy being nice to other people besides me was from dating someone that was wonderful to me at first but kind of a jerk to other people. I didn't pay atention to that at all because I was smitten, until the newness wore off and he started treating me just as bad as everyone else around him. So after that I made it a point to pay attention to how a guy treats other people and not just me.
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Post by greeneyedchicka on Mar 23, 2011 13:25:43 GMT -5
I got it all wrong with my first husband, but we were just teenagers when we met, and we were doing what we thought we were "supposed" to do. After several years we realized how much we didn't have in common, and I learned the hard way the difference between lust and love. He is the father of my one and only son, so I will always love him for that.
I am in the dating world now, and it is really difficult at this stage in life. My list is someone who makes me laugh, that is smart, that is ambitious, who has a zest for life, who likes to travel, is not a couch potato, who is good with kids, respectful to the women in his life, and someone that compliments who I already am. It is also important that he gets along with my family, as we are all very close and that would be really difficult if there was any clashing.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Mar 23, 2011 13:28:13 GMT -5
SuziQ (who seems to be absent at the moment) loves to spout that "love is as good as it gets before the wedding" platitude. I bet she'd say her own marriage has gotten better with time. Though now that I've said so publicly, she'll probably post that it hasn't just to "prove me wrong". LOL. I'd like to see that argument. No, really I loved DH more before I married him.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Mar 23, 2011 13:29:46 GMT -5
I wanted someone with a sense of humor. I wouldn't budge on that one.
I also wanted someone athletic. DH throws like a girl. That one really didn't matter after all.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Mar 23, 2011 13:29:55 GMT -5
I always envisioned that these lists had weighted averages to them to.
That's certainly how it is for me. There are a couple of non-negotiable items on that list, and the rest range from "pretty nice to have" to "more or less required."
I never expected someone to perfectly fulfill every last category on the list. If he had all of the important ones and a lot of the "more or less required" ones, I might budge on a couple of the latter. Or, they might move into the "pretty nice to have" category.
A good example is smoking. DBF still smokes. He knows I don't like it, and we've fought over it in the past (since he said he would quit before we moved in together and didn't). However, we've been able to work around it, and it would be silly of me to give up such a great guy over this particular issue.
With a guy who fulfilled less of my list than DBF does, smoking might indeed be a dealbreaker - because he wouldn't have enough going for him to compensate for smoking.
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Post by Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ on Mar 23, 2011 13:31:08 GMT -5
I want someoen with a different opinion! If I want to hear mine parroted back I will stand in front of hte mirror and talk to myself
I did not read the previous posts on this item...but I do a lot of internet dating....and while having much in common is desirable, it is much more interesting to meet someone(and possibly date) if they have interests and/or hobbies that you don't have or are unaware of. I've been in contact with many women, who are so rigid, they will not even consider meeting someone who has an interest other than their own, and will flat out refuse to "try" or "do" something other than in their own controlled world. I've met and dated so many women, with a wide ranging variety of interests, hobbies, etc., that I've done and gone doing things I would have never done or experienced had I not met them.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Mar 23, 2011 13:33:57 GMT -5
I want someoen with a different opinion! If I want to hear mine parroted back I will stand in front of hte mirror and talk to myselfI did not read the previous posts on this item...but I do a lot of internet dating....and while having much in common is desirable, it is much more interesting to meet someone(and possibly date) if they have interests and/or hobbies that you don't have or are unaware of. I've been in contact with many women, who are so rigid, they will not even consider meeting someone who has an interest other than their own, and will flat out refuse to "try" or "do" something other than in their own controlled world. I've met and dated so many women, with a wide ranging variety of interests, hobbies, etc., that I've done and gone doing things I would have never done or experienced had I not met them. Kinda like the 50 year old beergutted trolls who will only date a 20 to 30 year old who looks like Barbie. Both men and women can be narrowminded and shallow buttheads when it comes to selecting potential dates. Men tend to focus on the phyical, women tend to focus on the wallet.
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Post by greeneyedchicka on Mar 23, 2011 13:35:18 GMT -5
I want someoen with a different opinion! If I want to hear mine parroted back I will stand in front of hte mirror and talk to myselfI did not read the previous posts on this item...but I do a lot of internet dating....and while having much in common is desirable, it is much more interesting to meet someone(and possibly date) if they have interests and/or hobbies that you don't have or are unaware of. I've been in contact with many women, who are so rigid, they will not even consider meeting someone who has an interest other than their own, and will flat out refuse to "try" or "do" something other than in their own controlled world. I've met and dated so many women, with a wide ranging variety of interests, hobbies, etc., that I've done and gone doing things I would have never done or experienced had I not met them. Although one guy was really (I mean really) into Civil War reenactments. I just couldn't get over that one...
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Mar 23, 2011 13:38:57 GMT -5
I did not read the previous posts on this item...but I do a lot of internet dating....and while having much in common is desirable, it is much more interesting to meet someone(and possibly date) if they have interests and/or hobbies that you don't have or are unaware of. I've been in contact with many women, who are so rigid, they will not even consider meeting someone who has an interest other than their own, and will flat out refuse to "try" or "do" something other than in their own controlled world.
This one can go either way, I think. Yes, it's good to try new things and experience your partner's passion. But... you have to be okay with the possibility of them NOT liking something that may be very important to you and something you spend a lot of your life doing.
One of my exes was a big D&D gamer type. I tried it with him. BO-RING. I quickly came to dread D&D nights, because I could fully expect to be bored out of my skull for 2-9 hours. I loved the people he gamed with and we had a lot of fun with them socially but those game nights... OMG...
Similarly, DBF LOVES outdoor stuff - hiking, camping, fishing, the works. I don't go out of my way to do those things, BUT I do enjoy them on occasion and I like doing them with him. In time, I would like to have his physical skill and stamina. So that's an example of something that I didn't necessarily do a lot of on my own but is rapidly growing on me.
It's such an important part of his life... I think it would be a real bummer if I hated outdoor stuff the way I hated D&D, and our relationship would probably take a serious hit. It would be awful if I NEVER wanted to go camping with him.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Mar 23, 2011 13:39:05 GMT -5
Firebird, the more you say the better I like you.... Karma
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Post by Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ on Mar 23, 2011 13:39:37 GMT -5
Both men and women can be narrowminded and shallow buttheads when it comes to selecting potential dates. Men tend to focus on the phyical, women tend to focus on the wallet. Women date me only because I am hot looking(ask Lena)... and I am a sex symbol. You may not believe it but we neanderthals are interested in women who can speak a complete sentence and use words containing more than one syllable. I've dated all kinds and with all levels of education. I much more prefer women who are educated and can talk about topics other then American Idol and reality shows. That is just my preference. My current GF has a masters in finance and economics.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Mar 23, 2011 13:41:57 GMT -5
I'm flattered, Carolina ;D Thanks!
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Mar 23, 2011 13:42:22 GMT -5
Both men and women can be narrowminded and shallow buttheads when it comes to selecting potential dates. Men tend to focus on the phyical, women tend to focus on the wallet. Women date me only because I am hot looking(ask Lena)... and I am a sex symbol. You may not believe it but we neanderthals are interested in women who can speak a complete sentence and use words containing more than one syllable. I've dated all kinds and with all levels of education. I much more prefer women who are educated and can talk about topics other then American Idol and reality shows. That is just my preference. My current GF has a masters in finance and economics. I've seen you pic on FB. I didnt say you were one of those beergutted trolls who will only date Barbie. Guys who just go for the hotties get what they deserve. I think most guys past the age of 25 are over the hottie thing and want at least an intellectual equal. DH likes the fact that I'm smart. He says it's less thinking he has to do.
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