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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2016 20:13:03 GMT -5
It's going to be ok. There are going to be sucky days and you lucked out and got one right out of the gate. You're not being selfish, the exact opposite. You're busting your ass to make a better life for your son. Just take it one day at a time.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Sept 8, 2016 20:18:51 GMT -5
I've been very impressed with the hard choices you've made so far. You've gone out and done hard things to make a life you are happy with. It's much easier to just maintain the status quo. You can do this!!!
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naughtybear
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Post by naughtybear on Sept 8, 2016 20:20:33 GMT -5
MJ, you are just still in flight or fight mode. Life threw you a wrench into your day and nerves were high because it was the first class. It is totally normal to feel the way you do. The day is over, you managed it and it's over. Give yourself a break, cry if you need.
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Works4me
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Post by Works4me on Sept 8, 2016 20:35:13 GMT -5
Go ahead and cry - get it all out, feel,the feelings but do it anyway.
Question - who is telling you that you are selfish? Your XH or old tapes playing in your head? Where is that message coming from?
Something that I do is to write down the message I am getting inside my head on an index card and then I write down the truth on the other side. For example:
Message - I am selfish to go back to school.
Truth - The truth is that I am going back to school to have a better career and thus allow my son to have a better life.
Then when I am in a moment of crisis, I try to fight that voice in my head. I re-read the card and often tell that voice to fuck off, that I will not panic, that I have it under control. For more information, Google Voice Fighting or see the book,called "the Deadly Diet" by Carl Sandbeck.
Remember, just because it is something you want does not make you selfish! Also, you do deserve something better than what you can stand. Just because your marriage was not all that bad or your job was ok does not mean you cannot want and even have more!
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Sept 8, 2016 20:46:29 GMT -5
My little boy is asleep now. All I want to do is curl up in the fetal position and cry... For the next several days. I can't even put into words how demoralized I feel right now. And selfish.... How selfish I am to have done this with no regard to how it would affect others. Umm, I'm fairly certain your decision to go back to school has, and will, make your DS's life better. Your Ex doesn't matter. You are showing your son how to go after one's goals, how to re-invent oneself, how to keep moving forward when things are tough or complicated, how to set priorities, and how important education is. You might have been able to demonstrate some of those things if you'd stayed in an unfulfilling career. But, if you'd stayed stuck, you might have also shown him defeatism and pessimism and resentment and that one's path in life can't ever be changed. And, as far, as not recognizing that your DS had fractured his arm, well, we've all done that, LOL. My own YDS fell off of the monkey bars at the playground near our old townhouse when he was 10. He insisted he couldn't walk or ride his bike home. I had no way to get him there, so I made him sit on the bike while I pushed it the half mile home -- he was shrieking in pain the whole way. (In my defense, he had a history of anxiety related to his food allergies which often manifested as hypochondria.) I put him in the car and drove him to the emergency room where he was promptly diagnosed with a pretty severe broken ankle including his growth plate. So, at least that time, he wasn't faking it. My point is, kids are prone to bumps and bruises and growing pains and all kinds of aches that aren't necessarily broken bones. When his discomfort persisted, you sought medical assistance promptly. You were absolutely right to include your Ex in the situation -- wouldn't you want him to involve you if your DS was injured on his watch? More importantly, your DS needed both of his parents to be there for him in such a painful, frightening time. Do some yoga and some deep breathing and get a good night's sleep. Don't sweat the non-waterproof cast. You can buy a waterproof cast cover for baths and showers, or just use plastic bags/ziplocks with rubber bands. He might even be able to take a bath with his arm hanging out of the tub. They make a powder that you can sprinkle into the cast opening to relieve itching and the eventual "stinky boy" smell. I keep saying it because it is true: You so "got this".
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Jake 48
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Post by Jake 48 on Sept 8, 2016 20:53:32 GMT -5
Hang in there !!
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on Sept 8, 2016 21:01:52 GMT -5
My little boy is asleep now. All I want to do is curl up in the fetal position and cry... For the next several days. I can't even put into words how demoralized I feel right now. And selfish.... How selfish I am to have done this with no regard to how it would affect others. I wish I lived closer so I could actually help with your logistics. not that I would know what to do with a 5yo in the flesh, or anything. but at the very least I could offer a real hug. what the other ladies have said so far - this is absolutely not a selfish choice you've made, you're giving yourself way more options once you complete your degree. is it going to be seamless? no. will it be a cakewalk? hell, no. but you are beyond capable of the work, and you are strong enough to make it all work out. this is just a speed bump along the way. you got this. you've got us to vent and bitch at, and you'll get through it.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Sept 8, 2016 21:18:23 GMT -5
When I was 8, we had gone to Burger King and played on their playground after eating lunch. I get on the monkey bars and somehow fell. I broke my arm. My mom didn't believe me when it hurt so we went home and I rested. The next day, I'm still complaining. She took me too me to the doctor and I have a broken arm. We talk and laugh about it now (almost 30 years later). I'm cheering you on! You got this!! You can do this! Have a good cry, try to get a good night's sleep and start tomorrow saying you can do this. There will be bumps along the way (unfortunately it happened on the first day), but you got this! You will have a great cheering audience when you tell us you got your diploma in a few years!
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2016 21:19:25 GMT -5
Go put up a sign on the bulletin board on the College of Education. Tell them that you are looking for care for whatever the span your classes cover for the days you know you will be missing. It doesn't have to be the same person because you will cover yourself when you aren't in class. A quick $10 for an hour of their time would be a Godsend to some students. Screen as best you can, but there is some screening going on as education majors.
I took my son with me to graduate classes once or twice. He was three. The professor didn't like it much because he didn't think the discussions were age-appropriate. I have to admit my son just sat there, coloring. There were no screens back then. He wasn't a particularly quiet kid, but the atmosphere signals that this isn't about them.
School is going to be a challenge. You knew that. But you wanted this badly enough to make it happen. So hang in there. Seeing if there is another section you could attend is a great idea. Talk to the professor; he/she might be more helpful than you can imagine.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Sept 8, 2016 21:20:56 GMT -5
Something that I do is to write down the message I am getting inside my head on an index card and then I write down the truth on the other side. For example:
Message - I am selfish to go back to school.
Truth - The truth is that I am going back to school to have a better career and thus allow my son to have a better life.
Then when I am in a moment of crisis, I try to fight that voice in my head. I re-read the card and often tell that voice to fuck off, that I will not panic, that I have it under control. For more information, Google Voice Fighting or see the book,called "the Deadly Diet" by Carl Sandbeck. Remember, just because it is something you want does not make you selfish! Also, you do deserve something better than what you can stand. Just because your marriage was not all that bad or your job was ok does not mean you cannot want and even have more! I had to quote it because I couldn't like it enough!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2016 21:23:57 GMT -5
You cannot already be thinking about giving up! School just started on tuesday, didn't it? Sure you had a bad 1st week because of your son fracturing his arm but it will not always be like this. And most people will work with you, your professors, classmates. You have your ex and ex's mom to help out even if it is on his days at least you have time off to study. If you are really planning on PT school, work PT not FT. And now would be the time to work while in school when the curriculum is still easy.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2016 21:27:13 GMT -5
There's always an adjustment period with change and you're going through a really big one. My kids just started back to school the last few weeks...something we do every Fall...and it's still sucked royally. Younger son is extremely cranky, mornings are hell, and older son is on a completely different schedule at a new school, plus we just found out this week that bussing is probably not going to work for us and I'm going to have to drive him all the time. He's going to have to get to school 2 hours early every day. Right now it's really stressful and I collapse on the couch at night feeling completely overwhelmed, but, I'll bet in a few weeks we'll be in a groove again. God, I hope so... The anxiety will fade eventually as you get used to your new "normal".
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Sept 8, 2016 21:29:50 GMT -5
What about your CG? Are any of his workers high school or college kids that were summer help? And might be interested in occasional kid watching during the week? He'd know who's reliable, I would think.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Sept 8, 2016 21:43:45 GMT -5
My little boy is asleep now. All I want to do is curl up in the fetal position and cry... For the next several days. I can't even put into words how demoralized I feel right now. And selfish.... How selfish I am to have done this with no regard to how it would affect others. Oh, wow. You are feeling bad today but I hope it's only because your little sweetie got hurt. Even if you'd not made any of these changes in your life this could still happen and may happen again but what's important is that you made the right decision to take him to the dr. and not to school. You make it sound like you were drunk, passed out, and let your little boy play out in the road and got hit by a car. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! and I'm really hoping your exDH steps up just like I'm sure you would if roles were reversed. Be strong and firm on this. He needs to help you with a solution. That inner voice calling you selfish... does it go by "mom" per chance? If so, please smother the voice (not your mom) asap. Cry it out, feel the pain (that is growth and it always has pains), and remember that you are doing this for your future. Don't think short term. Think long term. What would you want your older self to feel about these choices? Visualize that. What examples did you want to set for your son? Step away from "you" and pretend you are talking to a very good friend or maybe your daughter (not now - I was kidding!). What would you tell them to do? What would you have wanted them to see you do as their mom? You CAN do this but it's not easy. If it was easy everybody would have done it and you'd still be back to where you were. Unhappy and bored to death at a full time job that was sucking your soul dry. Hang tough, my friend. This too shall pass.
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msventoux
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Post by msventoux on Sept 8, 2016 22:00:31 GMT -5
I would encourage you not to quit school or reduce your school hours and go back to work full time. I worked full time (and then some!) while going to school. Sometimes school was full time also, but most of the time it was part time. It really sucked to have an unfinished degree hanging over my head for years beyond when I should have graduated. And I didn't have a child to worry about.
You're in a transition period and panicking because life isn't going the way it's supposed to. It rarely does. Roll with the punches now and stay on course. Not getting your degree or dragging out the completion date for ages will likely ultimately be harder on you than just putting your head down now and getting on with your plan.
I know it sucks, but be thankful this happened during the first week of classes. If it had happened during a mid term or other big test or project it would have sucked even more. Now you know what you're up against with child care issues and can try to come up with alternate solutions to have at the ready.
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on Sept 8, 2016 22:04:08 GMT -5
this is awful, Sugi, but all I could call to mind when I saw the first pic from your post. and NOT AT ALL do I mean this for MJ, but it might help her as she goes through school and encounters all the group projects that didn't seem to exist back when I (and likely she) did the undergrad thing back when we were 20.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Sept 8, 2016 22:25:34 GMT -5
My little boy is asleep now. All I want to do is curl up in the fetal position and cry... For the next several days. I can't even put into words how demoralized I feel right now. And selfish.... How selfish I am to have done this with no regard to how it would affect others. And, as far, as not recognizing that your DS had fractured his arm, well, we've all done that, LOL. My own YDS fell off of the monkey bars at the playground near our old townhouse when he was 10. He insisted he couldn't walk or ride his bike home. I had no way to get him there, so I made him sit on the bike while I pushed it the half mile home -- he was shrieking in pain the whole way. (In my defense, he had a history of anxiety related to his food allergies which often manifested as hypochondria.) I put him in the car and drove him to the emergency room where he was promptly diagnosed with a pretty severe broken ankle including his growth plate. So, at least that time, he wasn't faking it. My point is, kids are prone to bumps and bruises and growing pains and all kinds of aches that aren't necessarily broken bones. When his discomfort persisted, you sought medical assistance promptly. You were absolutely right to include your Ex in the situation -- wouldn't you want him to involve you if your DS was injured on his watch? More importantly, your DS needed both of his parents to be there for him in such a painful, frightening time.
<swasat jumps up and down with hands in the air> I got one of those stories too!!!
DS was 18 months old when he jumped off the crib one night. He cried for 15 min and then slept off the whole night. The next morning he was cranky and crying and no matter what we did he wouldn't settle. I chalked it off to one of "those days" and sent him off to the daycare anyways. Well.....I get a call at noon from the daycare, a freaked out call on how DS is crying every time someone touches his left arm, and that I need to pick him up ASAP. I picked him up and took him to emergency room and guess what? His arm is broken at 2 places from the fall! I started crying right there, I felt SO bad and so selfish. The nurses had to calm me down. But there was no bruise, no swelling, nothing at all to show me that he had a fractured arm. But as a mother....you can understand how I felt.
The same 18 month old is now a strappy 5'6" tall 11.5 years old who eats and weighs more than me and is eating me through the house!
Moral of story: kids are super resilient creatures. And no childhood is free or complete without injuries. And SUPER importantly MJ2.0- when your DS grows up he will look back at this injury as badge of honor amongst his friends (Ask me how I know " You broke only one bone Mike? I broke 3 bones 3 years ago dude!!! THREE!! " )
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Sept 8, 2016 23:12:05 GMT -5
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suesinfl
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Post by suesinfl on Sept 9, 2016 1:12:13 GMT -5
Right now your brain is on overload....cry in a special quite place and "talk" to yourself. There is nothing wrong with that. I would /still do, verbally voice my problems out loud and then reason or talk to myself of the ways to solve the problem(s). I know that may sound weird, but it has worked for me. Then if I still felt the need to cry, I do. Crying is good therapy, when you learn how to use it.
You are feeling overwhelmed and that is understandable and acceptable. But you CAN get through this because you are strong. I know you may not being feeling that way right now, but I have faith in you, because I was/am you.
As far as child care when I was in school, I asked co-workers if they knew of any teens that were responsible and willing to help.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Sept 9, 2016 7:29:14 GMT -5
I'm just going to say that you should absolutely NOT bring him to class. There is no way my 6 year old would be appropriate to have in a class like that, no way. He would be disruptive and even if he wasn't, I just don't think it is appropriate. Sorry, I had to be the one to say it but I don't think you should
Don't freak out about missing class. I encourage you to try and go to office hours when you can and as often as you can, to show interest. If you have missed a few classes along the way, that will more than make up for it.
Make no mistake what you are doing is hard and it will continue to be hard. I think you can do it though, don't give up!
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Sept 9, 2016 9:28:05 GMT -5
The problem is that X has already decided to only cover the days that he has custody. I have been trying to get him to realize that that won't work now. There are already 2 Thursdays where the district doesn't have school and I have class and I told him I'd cover the Wednesday and/or Friday instead and he is still insisting on doing it his way. [ So, buy a cheap tablet if you don't already have one, load it with DS' favorite shows/movies/games, toss some headphones and snacks in your bag, and bring him to class. Explain ahead of time that he must entertain himself quietly during class. Take him to a quad or grassy area torun and burn energy between classes. Let him select and but his lunch in the cafeteria!! Show him how cool college is -- it's never too early to start planting the seed. I promise you will not be the only parent who brings their kid to school once in a while. You can do this!!! P.S. Any chance there's an Early Childhood Educatiob program on campus that would take him on a rare per diem basis?
I have brought my kids to closings, court, and had them in the office when I meet with clients. sometimes shit happens.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Sept 9, 2016 9:35:01 GMT -5
[ So, buy a cheap tablet if you don't already have one, load it with DS' favorite shows/movies/games, toss some headphones and snacks in your bag, and bring him to class. Explain ahead of time that he must entertain himself quietly during class. Take him to a quad or grassy area torun and burn energy between classes. Let him select and but his lunch in the cafeteria!! Show him how cool college is -- it's never too early to start planting the seed. I promise you will not be the only parent who brings their kid to school once in a while. You can do this!!! P.S. Any chance there's an Early Childhood Educatiob program on campus that would take him on a rare per diem basis?
I have brought my kids to closings, court, and had them in the office when I meet with clients. sometimes shit happens.
I've brought my youngest to work with me on month end because daycare closes and I don't have an option (when it falls on my night and not my ex's). I've been lucky because the cleaning women takes pity on me and walks my daughter around with her and gives her jobs to do!lol Sometimes you have no choice but to roll with it.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Sept 9, 2016 9:45:36 GMT -5
Not sure how hey can we work together to both be flexible so we both may get something out of this is dictating his schedule at all. The schedule could be the way it is because he dictated it that way. And she's asking for help with HIS kid who broke his freaking arm. Not her car breaking down, or she needs some R&R on the beach, his kid broke his arm. OK, I really don't want to derail her thread, and it doesn't seem like we will see each other's point anyway. All I can say is that I wouldn't consider a guy an asshole simply for not switching days. You see it as him not helping his KID, I see it as him not helping his EX wife. I have a co-worker who is divorced and has two kids. She has been divorced maybe 5 years. She and the ex have worked very hard to put the needs of their kids first, and their families are co-operating. Easter at her Mom's- the ex-DH was invited. They will both attend Church together - not just on days like First Communion or Confirmation or Easter Sunday or Christmas but other days. Getting the kids to and from sports - they work together.
If they have concerns about the kids - how to handle situations - they co-ordinate between themselves. I do think he is being a jerk, but maybe she needs to have a come to Jesus talk with him and point out that he needs to be flexible now, and when she finishes school their Child will benefit from Mom having a solid career. I would also try with the Grandma. My MIL will not be manipulated, but if she feels there is a solid reason, I am sure she would watch the kids.
Also reach out to neighbors with kids and other parents at your Son's school and see if anyone can provide backup babysitting. You could also look for a college student who is willing to spend a few hours with your son. I have a niece that is working on her Master's and she is Nannying for income for a couple of Dr's.
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flamingo
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Post by flamingo on Sept 9, 2016 9:50:25 GMT -5
I'm going against the grain and saying don't bring your DS to class with you. It's distracting for others in class, even if he is quiet.
That's not to say you should give up. You shouldn't! You can do this, I'm positive! I'm in the camp of figure out back up child care arrangements. School is expensive, and while I'm not a proponent of taking out more student loans than absolutely necessary, this, to me, is a case where taking on some extra school debt to help you pay for backup child care is necessary. I know my college financial aid office works with students to help them get extra money for daycare if needed. My college also has resources available to students of child care options (even if it's just a list of local centers that take kids on a day by day basis). Maybe yours does too?!
Use the contacts you have, get through this one situation, then when you have a clear head, re-evaluate how you feel. Hopefully you can get some rest/relief from the stress this weekend and will be feeling better about everything by next week.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Sept 9, 2016 9:51:57 GMT -5
Oh MJ.
It's OK. You all are adjusting to a new normal. It's going to take time.
You are going to need a bigger village. It's OK. Everyone has good suggestions about how to find help. You also said you've done mom meet up...Were you able to chat a mom up? Reach out to her, even if you aren't close. She might have suggestions/recommendations. Also talk to your DS's child care provider. They might know someone interested in doing drop in/on call. Do you have a YMCA close by that offers childcare? I was told that lots of people that do childcare (while parents exercise) also moonlight and do other sitting type jobs on the side. What about women who run Mom's Day Out programs? They might want to earn a few extra bucks here and there.
I would also start calling around to see if you have any childcare crisis centers. We have one in our city. I've been in my city for more than 20 years, and I just learned about it like 3 years ago. Basically, it's for parents who have no other options for childcare. It's free..and they are open 24/7. Child care providers are vetted. It's meant to fill exactly what you need.
Other avenues to pursue would be calling up community centers and women's shelters. They KNOW how to get women in touch with resources. Call up Catholic Charities, too. There might be some church that might have resources that you don't know about.
And, if push comes to shove, I would not be bashful about getting some food assistance (from a food pantry) if it means you have money to pay for a sitter. Look, that's what it's there for. For people who need help.
Please don't give up. This is just one little short term bump. You've got this.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 9, 2016 10:05:43 GMT -5
Well, with both my kid's dads the "your days" and "my days" is more of the days we GET to have our kids. Everyone pretty much would like to have them full time, but we're forced to share due to the divorce. Sure, there are exceptions if you have plans, but extra time is not considered a bad thing. Actually with first ex, we don't even have scheduled days. It's just whatever. Tonight DS has to play at a football game and wants to go to his Dad's afterwards, so I emailed his dad this morning and he's going to pick him up from the game (yay not having to drive the 20 miles to town at 10pm!). It's probably the first weekend he's been at his Dad's in a month, but sometimes he's there for several weekends in a row. Working together and compromising is so much better than bickering about every little thing. I even do so with younger son's Dad now to a degree. He would certainly jump at the chance to pick him up on a day that wasn't "his" if he was available. And seriously, how would that make a kid feel to know that a parent won't take him on days that aren't "theirs"? If I was scrambling to find a place for my kids to go, the first question both of them would ask is "why can't I just go to Dad's?". I'm sorry son, it's not Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday. Those are the only days he'll take you.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Sept 9, 2016 10:15:52 GMT -5
I think it's funny that I'm all for extended maternity leaves and Miss T won't hire a fertile woman. I don't think it's appropriate to bring a kid to a college class and Miss T says it's fine . I guess I shouldn't be so shocked.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 9, 2016 10:20:42 GMT -5
I think it's funny that I'm all for extended maternity leaves and Miss T won't hire a fertile woman. I don't think it's appropriate to bring a kid to a college class and Miss T says it's fine . I guess I shouldn't be so shocked. I think it depends on the class. I took my son to classes that were in an auditorium setting. We sat in the back and he had headphones in watching a movie. It was a zero issue and if it had been we could have just slipped out the back door. I wouldn't take him into a chemistry lab or anything.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Sept 9, 2016 10:26:53 GMT -5
Well, with both my kid's dads the "your days" and "my days" is more of the days we GET to have our kids. Everyone pretty much would like to have them full time, but we're forced to share due to the divorce. Sure, there are exceptions if you have plans, but extra time is not considered a bad thing. Actually with first ex, we don't even have scheduled days. It's just whatever. Tonight DS has to play at a football game and wants to go to his Dad's afterwards, so I emailed his dad this morning and he's going to pick him up from the game (yay not having to drive the 20 miles to town at 10pm!). It's probably the first weekend he's been at his Dad's in a month, but sometimes he's there for several weekends in a row. Working together and compromising is so much better than bickering about every little thing. I even do so with younger son's Dad now to a degree. He would certainly jump at the chance to pick him up on a day that wasn't "his" if he was available. And seriously, how would that make a kid feel to know that a parent won't take him on days that aren't "theirs"? If I was scrambling to find a place for my kids to go, the first question both of them would ask is "why can't I just go to Dad's?". I'm sorry son, it's not Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday. Those are the only days he'll take you. I didn't even think of it this way, but you are absolutely right. For some reason I think MJ's ex didn't want divorce and might be bitter about it and if that's the case he might have an attitude "you wanted to do this by yourself, go do it" And if that's the case, then justme is right and he is being an asshole. See, I've always said I could be wrong. I might be wrong on this one! But if my very slight defense, I have such hard time accepting help from people that if someone doesn't want to help I never see it as them doing something wrong. I see it as a norm.
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midjd
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Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:09:23 GMT -5
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Post by midjd on Sept 9, 2016 10:32:49 GMT -5
I think it depends on the class, too... my college had a pretty high number of nontrad students and it was not unusual to find a kid or two in one of my English classes. They were discussion format, so other than some perhaps "mature" themes, having a little person sit there with headphones on really wasn't disruptive. (Babies were the most distracting, not because of crying but because everyone wanted to pass them around. ) For the more structured classes (which I'm guessing MJ's are), probably not a good idea. I'm going to go against the grain and say stay flexible -- don't necessarily rule out FT job/PT school if you think this schedule is going to overwhelm you. Better to finish a year or two later than burn yourself out and not finish at all.* Only you know your limits. Once you have a better handle on your class load and how much homework you have, you might be able to make up a couple of different schedules (FT school/PT work, FT school and no work, PT school/FT work, etc.) to see what's doable. I would stick it out for this semester, though. It's only about 2.5 months -- you can do it! *Giant caveat to make sure the classes you need to take (in the order you need to take them) are offered often enough that going to a PT schedule wouldn't screw it up. This is why DH ended up leaving CC, he only needed 3 classes but they had to be taken in a specific order, and the times they offered them meant it would basically take another 2 years.
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