Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2016 10:41:41 GMT -5
I have an older sister that is constantly making snarky remarks to me. (I am in my 40s and she is in her 50s.) I am to the point where I avoid her at all costs because it depresses me. Recently there was a family wedding and I did not go because I knew I would be uncomfortable around her and her husband.
Examples:
I live 1/4 mile from my 82 year old father. She lives 300 miles from him. She makes rude comments about me living in my father's back yard.
When I got my bachelor's degree she looked me in the eye and said "education ain't that important."
I quit a toxic job and had four weeks off before I started my new job. She kept referring to it as my "job situation" and how she wished she didn't have to work.
I hurt my back and ended up in the emergency room. The only thing she asked was "how much is that going to cost you?"
During archery season I shot a buck with my bow. Her husband looked right at me and said "you didn't shoot it, your SO did and you tagged it." Ummm, no, I sat in my stand every night and waited to get a shot.
It froze here the beginning of June and the end of August. I told her husband that and he said "it did not!" Keep in mind, he lives 300 miles south of me.
Since I didn't go to the recent wedding, I am hearing about it from other family. I don't want to tell them I stayed home because my sister is mean.
I call it self-care. I cannot be around them because everything I say or do is wrong (in their eyes). Heck, I don't even live in the right place.
What would you do?
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Sept 8, 2016 10:46:16 GMT -5
I would put your sister in her place. Why do you let her speak to you like that? I usually play it one of two ways...passive aggressive or just flat out confrontational. But I've been told I have a strong personality....lol
And I would be damned if I would miss a family gathering that I wanted to go to (assuming you wanted to go in the first place) because of her.
ETA: The only one I got out of my way to avoid is my ex and that's only because I dont' have it in me to be civil and I will never let him know the site of him makes me want to punch his face in. I much prefer he thinks I don't care at all...and I can only pull that off if I don't see his smug face
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2016 10:52:23 GMT -5
I would put your sister in her place. Why do you let her speak to you like that? I usually play it one of two ways...passive aggressive or just flat out confrontational. But I've been told I have a strong personality....lol
And I would be damned if I would miss a family gathering that I wanted to go to (assuming you wanted to go in the first place) because of her.
ETA: The only one I got out of my way to avoid is my ex and that's only because I dont' have it in me to be civil and I will never let him know the site of him makes me want to punch his face in. I much prefer he thinks I don't care at all...and I can only pull that off if I don't see his smug face
My sister has a strong personality. She is mean. She has chased people with baseball bats before. I don't want that.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Sept 8, 2016 10:54:07 GMT -5
How is your sister finding out all this information about you? Why do you keep engaging them?
Have you gone to a therapist? If you haven't yet, it's time now.
I'm not one for confrontation, particularly if the other party likely isn't going to change. You are an adult. You don't need to explain why you are going Low/minimal contact. Just do it.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Sept 8, 2016 10:54:32 GMT -5
She sounds like a miserable person. If you rationally and calmly sat down and said "It hurts my feelings when you say things like X, Y and Z" she might learn to stop saying them, but I doubt it. Is she the type of person to reflect and grow? Likely, she will just make fun of you behind your back, and then tease you about getting your feelings hurt.
You could say something to your family like {{heavy sigh}} "I don't know - I guess I'm just not a strong enough person to take her criticism. I know I should let it roll off my back, but she knows which buttons to push and if I am around her too much, things will go very badly. I would rather be criticized for my absence than my reaction to her." At least then your family would know it was conflict between you and your sister, instead of you hating them or whatever. Plus you own the blame of it so you don't sound like you are being nasty. By saying things like "I'm not strong" and "I know I should react different" you are pretending to take the blame for her being an asshole.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2016 11:04:11 GMT -5
How is your sister finding out all this information about you? Why do you keep engaging them? Have you gone to a therapist? If you haven't yet, it's time now. I'm not one for confrontation, particularly if the other party likely isn't going to change. You are an adult. You don't need to explain why you are going Low/minimal contact. Just do it. They find things out by family conversation. Like when I got my bachelor's degree, some cousins were congratulating me and when they left she made her comment. Even making small talk, like about the weather and it freezing here, comes back to bite me. I realized I am wasting my breath.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Sept 8, 2016 11:06:30 GMT -5
How is your sister finding out all this information about you? Why do you keep engaging them? Have you gone to a therapist? If you haven't yet, it's time now. I'm not one for confrontation, particularly if the other party likely isn't going to change. You are an adult. You don't need to explain why you are going Low/minimal contact. Just do it. They find things out by family conversation. Like when I got my bachelor's degree, some cousins were congratulating me and when they left she made her comment. Even making small talk, like about the weather and it freezing her, comes back to bite me. I realized I am wasting my breath.
That's when I go one of two ways...I either am super sweet and will say "aww, any many hugs and kisses to you, too" or I walk away...really depends on my mood.
But honestly, why do you engage with her at all?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2016 11:12:12 GMT -5
I don't engage with them any more. It has been 1-1/2 years. This has happened several times over the past 40+ years. I soften up because I think she may have changed, but nope, it happens again.
Missing the recent family wedding makes me seem like the bad person. Again, I call it self-care.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2016 11:14:01 GMT -5
Honestly, those comments wouldn't even bother me, but I'm from a family where a lot of people have no filters, so I'm used to it and can snark back with the best of them. She doesn't sound like that happy of a person and is just taking it out on you. But, I wouldn't skip family stuff because of her. I'd just not engage with her there.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Sept 8, 2016 11:14:43 GMT -5
You could set your mind that every time she says something like that it is because she is jealous and threatened. You are probably smarter than her (and she knows it), closer to the family (and she knows it), nicer than her (and she knows it), a better hunter than her (and she knows it), people like you better (and she knows it) and probably just an all around better person than her in every way. This pisses her off, and all she can do is lash out. Every time she makes a comment like that, you should (a) remember that she is an idiot (saying it didn't freeze 300 miles away) (b) you represent everything she is not and (c) you should feel sorry for her. If you say that to yourself every time she makes any dumb-ass comment, eventually it will be your natural reaction to her. She will say "Your hair looks terrible" and you will think "You poor, sad asshole. I would hate to live your life."
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 8, 2016 11:19:51 GMT -5
Or you could say it with a smile.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2016 11:23:08 GMT -5
I wonder if she realizes why I don't do anything with the family.
Last year I did not go to my dad's birthday dinner because she told me his birthday is a big deal when you don't live 10 feet away from him. I did not even respond to that. I just didn't show up to the dinner. (Again, it was a dig at me because I live near him.)
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saveinla
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Post by saveinla on Sept 8, 2016 11:25:11 GMT -5
I would have gone if I wanted to actually be there. They will not be the only people at the wedding. You don't have to talk to them other than saying hi and bye.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Sept 8, 2016 11:27:36 GMT -5
Smile and nod. And walk away.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2016 11:28:12 GMT -5
I wonder if she realizes why I don't do anything with the family.
Last year I did not go to my dad's birthday dinner because she told me his birthday is a big deal when you don't live 10 feet away from him. I did not even respond to that. I just didn't show up to the dinner. (Again, it was a dig at me because I live near him.)
Again though, why does that bother you? I mean, I see her point, it probably is a big deal for her to make it to the "special" days, because she can't normally just drop in.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 8, 2016 11:29:24 GMT -5
" Bless your heart."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2016 11:31:36 GMT -5
I wonder if she realizes why I don't do anything with the family.
Last year I did not go to my dad's birthday dinner because she told me his birthday is a big deal when you don't live 10 feet away from him. I did not even respond to that. I just didn't show up to the dinner. (Again, it was a dig at me because I live near him.)
Again though, why does that bother you? I mean, I see her point, it probably is a big deal for her to make it to the "special" days, because she can't normally just drop in. But was the comment about living 10 feet away necessary?
Another time she commented on Facebook how her and sister2 have many memories of their mother. She totally left me out. It would have been easier for her to type "we".
- - I blocked her on Facebook so I don't have to see her comments. The one about living 10 feet away was a text message.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2016 11:38:08 GMT -5
Again though, why does that bother you? I mean, I see her point, it probably is a big deal for her to make it to the "special" days, because she can't normally just drop in. But was the comment about living 10 feet away necessary?
Another time she commented on Facebook how her and sister2 have many memories of their mother. She totally left me out. It would have been easier for her to type "we".
- - I blocked her on Facebook so I don't have to see her comments. The one about living 10 feet away was a text message.
Probably not, but I guess I don't see it as a reason to skip going to his party? It sounds like she really wishes she could live closer as well and is lashing out out of jealousy. My response would have been, "Well, you could always move into his garage! Problem solved. Then you'd be even closer than me!"
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 8, 2016 11:39:11 GMT -5
Again though, why does that bother you? I mean, I see her point, it probably is a big deal for her to make it to the "special" days, because she can't normally just drop in. But was the comment about living 10 feet away necessary?
Another time she commented on Facebook how her and sister2 have many memories of their mother. She totally left me out. It would have been easier for her to type "we".
- - I blocked her on Facebook so I don't have to see her comments. The one about living 10 feet away was a text message.
She sounds as toxic as my mother was. Good luck.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Sept 8, 2016 11:40:08 GMT -5
I wonder if she realizes why I don't do anything with the family.
Last year I did not go to my dad's birthday dinner because she told me his birthday is a big deal when you don't live 10 feet away from him. I did not even respond to that. I just didn't show up to the dinner. (Again, it was a dig at me because I live near him.)
No, she does not. She doesn't even notice. Doesn't even care. And if she does, she blames you for your own absences. She will never care. You can't choose blood family like you can friends. Cut your losses. Grieve the loss of the sister you wish you had, accept the sister you do have, and move on. You don't have to be mean in return. You don't have to stoop to her level. Just be sad for her that she cannot enjoy the relationship that would be possible if she was a different person. But she will never be a different person. You need to accept that and move on in order for you to not become your sister.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2016 11:43:21 GMT -5
I am not mean back to her. I just totally shut down and walk away.
I absolutely hate conflict - maybe to a fault.
FWIW she makes cruel comments to other people too. That makes me feel better because I know it is not just me. She actually likes to pick fights with people.
Sometimes I wonder if I should handle her differently besides avoiding all contact with her.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 8, 2016 11:45:02 GMT -5
Yup, just like my mom. It's sad really. No one liked my mom or even missed her when she died.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Sept 8, 2016 11:46:25 GMT -5
This. It's perfect. Just say this every time she pulls this shit, knowing in your head it's not meant in a nice way.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Sept 8, 2016 11:47:33 GMT -5
Honestly, I'd have told her a long time ago to f*ck herself. There's funny and then there's hateful. She might thinks she hiding the hateful as funny but she's really not. I would also be sure to be at every family function and "bless your heart" her at every comment. You live 10 feet from dad... Bless your heart, if you miss him that much, pack up and move home. (with the most sympathetic smile you can muster ) Then turn and walk off.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Sept 8, 2016 11:49:53 GMT -5
I am not mean back to her. I just totally shut down and walk away.
I absolutely hate conflict - maybe to a fault.
FWIW she makes cruel comments to other people too. That makes me feel better because I know it is not just me. She actually likes to pick fights with people.
Sometimes I just wonder if I should handle her differently besides avoiding all contact with her.
Some people are really good at managing mean people. I can't be bothered spending precious moments of my short life here on this rock managing mean people. Want to be mean? Go ahead. I can't be bothered to be either the victim or the witness. I'd rather invest my time and energy in people who are tolerant, supportive, and fun.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Sept 8, 2016 11:51:49 GMT -5
Again though, why does that bother you? I mean, I see her point, it probably is a big deal for her to make it to the "special" days, because she can't normally just drop in. But was the comment about living 10 feet away necessary?
Another time she commented on Facebook how her and sister2 have many memories of their mother. She totally left me out. It would have been easier for her to type "we".
- - I blocked her on Facebook so I don't have to see her comments. The one about living 10 feet away was a text message.
Then block her number from your cell phone, go old school and get a land line with caller ID. You don't have to read her texts. You need to go see someone to figure out a game plan.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Sept 8, 2016 11:52:13 GMT -5
Why do you let her live rent free in your brain? It seems to me you are turning down events because you don't want to deal with her snark. What you have done is given her the power.
She does this because she knows she gets to you.
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Sept 8, 2016 12:07:06 GMT -5
I wonder if she realizes why I don't do anything with the family.
Last year I did not go to my dad's birthday dinner because she told me his birthday is a big deal when you don't live 10 feet away from him. I did not even respond to that. I just didn't show up to the dinner. (Again, it was a dig at me because I live near him.)
Again though, why does that bother you? I mean, I see her point, it probably is a big deal for her to make it to the "special" days, because she can't normally just drop in. Bluester, Did you want to go to your dad's b-day party? If you did, why did you let your sister 'control' you? Who's the boss of you?
Maybe it's time to explore WHY you want your sister to be something she isn't.
It probably hurts to not have one of those idyllic 'sister relationships' -- Especially when other people talk about their wonderful relationships and or imply/or it's behind the scenes that there's something wrong (or that you don't belong to the group) because you don't have that kind of relationship. (I especially HATE the meme's on fb about sisters being special etc - and I don't have a sister.)
You can't change your sister - but you can change your expectations of her and the expectations of the relationship you have. I'm not saying she's the better sister or that's she's right or fair in what she sez/does. I'm just saying she is what she is. You can't change that. You can't make her happy or finally shower you with 'sisterly love'.
Your sister may be stuck on "auto pilot" with her comments/what she says to you... that's just the way she's always talked to you (it doesn't make it right). It's her 'go to response' to things she hears about you. What if you change you response to her comments? Think about how you do respond (what do you say? what body language do you have? what other physical things do you do?) and then try to work in some other response. you guys may be stuck in a "feed back loop" of automatic responses.
Your sister sounds a lot like my mother. By the time I got to HS if I was given the choice of telling my mother something personal about my day OR sticking a pencil in my eye - I'd grab the pencil and put out an eye. I wished and wished I had a mom like on those hallmark hall of fame movies or like my friends seemed to have - but I didn't get one like that. I gave up trying to please her at an early age. But, it took longer to stop expecting/hoping/wanting her to be someone else. When I did stop expecting her to be something she wasn't I got better emotionally and mentally. I will say - I'm stuck with her 'voice' in my head... she's been dead 20 years and while I've managed to get her to be quiet for day to day stuff... she still slips in and messes with my head when I'm under a lot of stress or need to make a really important decision. She wasn't very helpful or supportive while she was alive and she didn't change at all after her death. It sounds like you do things because of how you think your sister will react... which leads me to believe she's 'in your head' maybe more than you would like. I'd start working on changing the script/response in your own head... it's not going to go away when she goes away.
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on Sept 8, 2016 12:20:28 GMT -5
Bluester, you come across as a very nice person and I don't doubt that your sister is toxic. Your threads do seem to have a common theme, however, and that is of people who are upsetting you or treating you badly or behaving in a way that seems rude. Maybe, just maybe, your reactions are disproportionate to the offence. There are times when I see a little of the 'martyr' in your writings. Have you considered finding someone to talk with about your family dynamics? A qualified therapist could help you determine an appropriate strategy for dealing with your sister as well as other social situations that cause you distress.
As I said at the beginning of this post, I don't doubt that you are a good person and I think it would be beneficial for you to have some healthier relationships. Of course, you may have plenty of wonderful friendships and you are just using YMAM to vent. That's OK!
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on Sept 8, 2016 12:21:55 GMT -5
Some people just need a good old ass kicking every now and then or at the very least to be taken down a peg or two. That said as multiple other people pointed out she does it because she's a bully and she knows it bothers you by your reaction. You can either put her in her place, tune it out when she does it and make sure she knows you could not care less or you avoid as much interaction with her as you can. If you go with option C there's nothing wrong with that but you're still giving her what she wants because she knows you avoid her because she gets under your skin .
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