sibling / wwyd?

[Green Eyed Lady]

Sept 8, 2016 10:41:41 GMT -5 @bluester said:

I have an older sister that is constantly making snarky remarks to me. (I am in my 40s and she is in her 50s.) I am to the point where I avoid her at all costs because it depresses me. Recently there was a family wedding and I did not go because I knew I would be uncomfortable around her and her husband.

Examples:

I live 1/4 mile from my 82 year old father. She lives 300 miles from him. She makes rude comments about me living in my father's back yard.

When I got my bachelor's degree she looked me in the eye and said "education ain't that important."

I quit a toxic job and had four weeks off before I started my new job. She kept referring to it as my "job situation" and how she wished she didn't have to work.

I hurt my back and ended up in the emergency room. The only thing she asked was "how much is that going to cost you?"

During archery season I shot a buck with my bow. Her husband looked right at me and said "you didn't shoot it, your SO did and you tagged it." Ummm, no, I sat in my stand every night and waited to get a shot.

It froze here the beginning of June and the end of August. I told her husband that and he said "it did not!" Keep in mind, he lives 300 miles south of me.

Since I didn't go to the recent wedding, I am hearing about it from other family. I don't want to tell them I stayed home because my sister is mean.

I call it self-care. I cannot be around them because everything I say or do is wrong (in their eyes). Heck, I don't even live in the right place.

What would you do?

You've already made up your mind what you are going to do.  You have listed a couple of examples already of staying away from gatherings because of her.  You've already decided.  You call it "self care".  I call it wussing out...sorry...and I know that's harsh, but I also have a sister who causes me some consternation and I simply will not allow her to affect my life in such a way as your sister is affecting yours.  All the "oh...I'm sorry for you" isn't going to change that.  I am sorry for you and I wish I was there to run interference but I'm not and you are going to have to do that for yourself.

Personally, it's not for me.  If my sister behaved like that, I'd probably slap the shit out of her, but you appear to be afraid of your sister so I guess I wouldn't suggest that.  While I think standing up to a bully is, most of the time, the way to end the bullying...that's not for everyone either.

You can either go and ignore her or you can stay home.  Those are your choices because it doesn't appear she's the kind of person who is going to change.  Call it self-care if you wish, but know you are missing out on important (at least it appears you feel this way) life events in the meantime.

I wish all the best to you.  I know how sisters can be.

[zibazinski]

Sept 8, 2016 12:07:06 GMT -5 Tiny said:

Sept 8, 2016 11:28:12 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Again though, why does that bother you?  I mean, I see her point, it probably is a big deal for her to make it to the "special" days, because she can't normally just drop in. 

    Bluester,  Did you want to go to your dad's b-day party?   If you did, why did you let your sister 'control' you?  Who's the boss of you?   

Maybe it's time to explore WHY you want your sister to be something she isn't.  

It probably hurts to not have one of those idyllic 'sister relationships' --  Especially when other people talk about their wonderful relationships and or imply/or it's behind the scenes that there's something wrong (or that you don't belong to the group) because you don't have that kind of relationship.  (I especially HATE the meme's on fb about sisters being special etc - and I don't have a sister.)

You can't change your sister - but you can change your expectations of her and the expectations of the relationship you have.    I'm not saying she's the better sister or that's she's right or fair in what she sez/does.  I'm just saying she is what she is.  You can't change that.  You can't make her happy or finally shower you with 'sisterly love'. 

Your sister may be stuck on "auto pilot" with her comments/what she says to you... that's just the way she's always talked to you (it doesn't make it right). It's her 'go to response' to things she hears about you. 

What if you change you response to her comments?  Think about how you do respond (what do you say? what body language do you have?  what other physical things do you do?)   and then try to work in some other response.   you guys may be stuck in a "feed back loop" of automatic responses. 

Your sister sounds a lot like my mother.   By the time I got to HS  if I was given the choice of telling my mother something personal about my day OR sticking a pencil in my eye - I'd grab the pencil and put out an eye.    I wished and wished I had a mom like on those hallmark hall of fame movies or like my friends seemed to have - but I didn't get one like that.   I gave up trying to please her at an early age.   But, it took longer to stop expecting/hoping/wanting her to be someone else.  When I did stop expecting her to be something she wasn't  I got better emotionally and mentally.   I will say - I'm stuck with her 'voice' in my head... she's been dead 20 years and while I've managed to get her to be quiet for day to day stuff... she still slips in and messes with my head when I'm under a lot of stress or need to make a really important decision.   She wasn't very helpful or supportive while she was alive and she didn't change at all after her death.     

It sounds like you do things because of how you think your sister will react... which leads me to believe she's 'in your head' maybe more than you would like.   I'd start working on changing the script/response in your own head... it's not going to go away when she goes away.   

She's right. The sooner you get the idea through your head that she's not going to be the sister you'd like , the better off you will be.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

You cannot control your sister.  She is who she is.

Some people are just inherently mean.  You could be absolutely perfect in every way and they can still be mean.  

My point is, unless you are actively baiting her, you are not causing her to be mean to you.  So, don't let her run your life.  She's going to be mean, that's a given.  How you respond to it is the ONLY thing YOU can control.  So accept that she will never change.  Then learn how to ignore her and move on with your life.  

[zibazinski]

It's easier said than done, I know. I was in my 50's before I accepted that it wasn't me, it was her, and that she would never change to be what I wanted her to be. My goal is to never ever be like her.

[moon/Laura]

I think my go-to response would have to be a hearty "f you". I know she's your sister but there's no reason to put up with that.

[Deleted]

Sept 8, 2016 12:20:28 GMT -5 gs11rmb said:

Bluester, you come across as a very nice person and I don't doubt that your sister is toxic. Your threads do seem to have a common theme, however, and that is of people who are upsetting you or treating you badly or behaving in a way that seems rude. Maybe, just maybe, your reactions are disproportionate to the offence. There are times when I see a little of the 'martyr' in your writings. Have you considered finding someone to talk with about your family dynamics?  A qualified therapist could help you determine an appropriate strategy for dealing with your sister as well as other social situations that cause you distress.

As I said at the beginning of this post, I don't doubt that you are a good person and I think it would be beneficial for you to have some healthier relationships.  Of course, you may have plenty of wonderful friendships and you are just using YMAM to vent.  That's OK!

I do use YMAM to vent. I like to hear other people's opinions, especially when it is anonymous people I do not know personally.

I have a lot of friends and a healthy social life and that helps my self-esteem. When I am out-and-about and people wave and talk to me, it makes me realize it's not me with the problem.

[Deleted]

Sept 8, 2016 13:00:11 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

It's easier said than done, I know. I was in my 50's before I accepted that it wasn't me, it was her, and that she would never change to be what I wanted her to be. My goal is to never ever be like her.

I realize she is the one with the problem.

Mutual friends see and hear some of her rude comments. They know what she is like.

It taught me how NOT to be.

[Green Eyed Lady]

You sound like such a sweet person. I'm sorry if my comment sounded harsh. It's just that...I lost my dad a few years ago. I would give just about anything to have dinner with him again. I don't want you to regret missing out on your time with your dad because of her.   

[Wisconsin Beth]

Sept 8, 2016 11:27:36 GMT -5 swamp said:

Smile and nod. And walk away.

"smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave." Psychotic penguins from Madagascar movie.

Eta to fix typo.

[Miss Tequila]

Sept 8, 2016 11:38:08 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Sept 8, 2016 11:31:36 GMT -5 @bluester said:

But was the comment about living 10 feet away necessary?

Another time she commented on Facebook how her and sister2 have many memories of their mother. She totally left me out. It would have been easier for her to type "we".

- - I blocked her on Facebook so I don't have to see her comments. The one about living 10 feet away was a text message.

Probably not, but I guess I don't see it as a reason to skip going to his party?  It sounds like she really wishes she could live closer as well and is lashing out out of jealousy.  My response would have been, "Well, you could always move into his garage!  Problem solved.  Then you'd be even closer than me!"   

We have the same personality because that is what I would have said.

[Miss Tequila]

Sept 8, 2016 11:43:21 GMT -5 @bluester said:

I am not mean back to her. I just totally shut down and walk away.

I absolutely hate conflict - maybe to a fault.

FWIW she makes cruel comments to other people too. That makes me feel better because I know it is not just me. She actually likes to pick fights with people.

Sometimes I wonder if I should handle her differently besides avoiding all contact with her.

But maybe you should be mean back. I learned early on in life that the best way to shut a bully down is to hit htem with their own medicine. Granted, I have a strong personality so it isn't difficult for me. But there is no way in hell I would let someone make me avoid life with my family.  She hits you with a nasty ass comment then hit her back with one.

Here is an example:

Her: Must be nice to live 10 feet from Dad

Me: Don't get mad at me just because I love our father enough not to move and abandon him.  You could always move back home and be just as close

Then I walk away and fill my drink

[Miss Tequila]

Sept 8, 2016 13:16:37 GMT -5 @bluester said:

Sept 8, 2016 13:00:11 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

It's easier said than done, I know. I was in my 50's before I accepted that it wasn't me, it was her, and that she would never change to be what I wanted her to be. My goal is to never ever be like her.

I realize she is the one with the problem.

Mutual friends see and hear some of her rude comments. They know what she is like.

It taught me how NOT to be.

Yes and no.  Your not being able to handle yourself around her is also a problem

[garion2003]

Sept 8, 2016 11:46:25 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

Sept 8, 2016 11:29:24 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

" Bless your heart."

This. It's perfect. Just say this every time she pulls this shit, knowing in your head it's not meant in a nice way.

I was about to say this too. YM has taught me this phrase and I love using it

[Tiny]

Sept 8, 2016 13:07:34 GMT -5 moon/Laura said:

I think my go-to response would have to be a hearty "f you". I know she's your sister but there's no reason to put up with that.

Sometime that's too confrontational I've witnessed people respond with a pause and a "Good to know." followed by a swift topic change or movement to some other group of people.           I've also witnessed someone use a pause followed by a thoughtful "huh?  You think so?  Can you explain that to me?" all said in a non confrontational voice to a rather ugly opinion voiced by another person. the ugly opinion person just kind of uncomfortably  stammered out some sort of excuse... and the conversation moved on to something else.

[thyme4change]

You probably need a dozen or two reaponses. They need range and variety. Snark, condensation, pleasant and unrelated.

The snark answer of moving into Dad's garage, or that she doesn't love him enough to live close.

The condescending answer "bless your heart."

The direct answer " Don't be shitty. It makes you look bad."

The pleasant answer "I like living near Dad, and I like living in this area. I can't imagine why that is a problem for anyone."

And the misdirection/unrelated "Did Aunt Janet tell you about her new job? It sounds interesting. "

Put them in random order and just scroll through. Gauge the situation to make yourself look best. Who is around? What will their reaction be?

And, walk away.

[Deleted]

People who bully only do so as long as they can/get the response they want. Stop responding by being hurt. I'm with the 'bless your heart' you pathetic bitch.,. Group. Smile and move on.

[lexxy703]

Sept 8, 2016 13:40:21 GMT -5 Green Eyed Lady said:

You sound like such a sweet person. I'm sorry if my comment sounded harsh. It's just that...I lost my dad a few years ago. I would give just about anything to have dinner with him again. I don't want you to regret missing out on your time with your dad because of her.   

I am going to second this heartily! You said it was his 82nd B-day. That is getting up there. Please don't miss special events because of her. You will regret it.

My response to sis would most likely be what is your f'ing problem? Or must you always be a bitch? Then walk away.

[moon/Laura]

Sept 8, 2016 14:09:52 GMT -5 Tiny said:

Sometime that's too confrontational

yes, I know. But any response I would give would be confrontational. If not an F you, a direct question as to why she had to have such a constant negative mindset, or felt the need to be such a bitch to me, or Whatever I came up with at the time. Life is too short and I wiped that "welcome" off my forehead years ago.

[zibazinski]

Trouble is they don't get it. My mom actually asked why my kids didn't want to be around her. I told her why. She thought they were wrong. Really? Both of them with two totally different personalities both didn't like her. But it couldn't possibly be her.

[Deleted]

Sept 8, 2016 14:32:23 GMT -5 lexxy703 said:

Sept 8, 2016 13:40:21 GMT -5 Green Eyed Lady said:

You sound like such a sweet person. I'm sorry if my comment sounded harsh. It's just that...I lost my dad a few years ago. I would give just about anything to have dinner with him again. I don't want you to regret missing out on your time with your dad because of her.   

I am going to second this heartily! You said it was his 82nd B-day. That is getting up there. Please don't miss special events because of her. You will regret it.

My response to sis would most likely be what is your f'ing problem? Or must you always be a bitch? Then walk away.

Since I live only 10 feet away from Dad (snark), I see him almost every day.

Every evening I check on him and make sure he has something to eat. If I cannot make it, I let him know ahead of time.

[chiver78]

Sept 8, 2016 14:17:54 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

The direct answer " Don't be shitty. It makes you look bad."

I have found this works best in crowded rooms where one person's holding the floor.

[Deleted]

There was a thing on Facebook the other day where apparently Helen Miren was asked if she had any regrets and she responded that she wished she's told more people to just f%*~ off.

This thread made me think of that. Life is just too short.

[ken a.k.a OMK]

Sometimes I look right at them with a WTF look and walk away. With nothing said they can't continue putting me down. 

[zibazinski]

She's not going to change. Even if you do confront her. Even my mom's sisters were horrified when I stopped kow towing to her crap. Don't get me started on my grandma, the chief enabler. I took crap for so many years that I take none/zero/nada now.

[Jaguar]

My oldest sis is a real piece of work, I've learned that I can't change her, but I can change my reaction to the shit she does or says and it bugs the crap outta her that I can stand up to her.

"Bless your Heart"

[zibazinski]

Sept 8, 2016 14:50:19 GMT -5 ken a.k.a OMK said:

Sometimes I look right at them with a WTF look and walk away. With nothing said they can't continue putting me down. 

Or laugh in her face. That throws them for a loop big time. I actually had a toxic person ask me why I was laughing. Actually wanted to know what was so funny? I told her that it was her being a C - word , sorry , that amused me so. Her face got so red I thought she'd have a stroke.

[Tiny]

Sept 8, 2016 14:21:49 GMT -5 oped said:

People who bully only do so as long as they can/get the response they want. Stop responding by being hurt. I'm with the 'bless your heart' you pathetic bitch.,. Group. Smile and move on.

But, You have to be prepared for the bully's favorite response - "I was only joking!! ha ha ha  you love it!"     OR if they are a bully and you say something like "What's your f*ing problem?" and walk away in a huff - their response to who ever is present is "whoa, someone's cranky today! Ha Ha Ha!"    They may even play the martyr  - "what! how come you are so mean to me?  I was joking!"    This is because when a verbal bully is confronted they are NEVER at fault. They are just joking  or misunderstood or everyone else is in a bad mood and needs to chill out.     

Confronting a 'social' bully can be a challenge, I'm not saying NOT to say something -- just don't be surprised if your initial attempt and ending the bullying doesn't work or you wind up feeling like the 'bad guy'.   You may have to try different tactics until you find one that works.

 

[Deleted]

Sept 8, 2016 14:44:14 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Trouble is they don't get it. My mom actually asked why my kids didn't want to be around her. I told her why. She thought they were wrong. Really? Both of them with two totally different personalities both didn't like her. But it couldn't possibly be her.

Some can't take it at all when given back to them though and it shuts them right down.  Only one way to find out!

[flamingo]

My mom is lot like this. If she knows her bro and SIL will be at an event, she thinks long and hard about going b/c she knows they will bring up uncomfortable topics that she doesn't want to talk about. They aren't mean to her, just gossip about EVERYTHING even when it's clear that it's an uncomfortable topic and mom would rather not talk about it.

When I was with my mom this last weekend, her bro and SIL were there. Anyway, they brought up subject #1 mom doesn't want to talk about and before my mom could get hurt/pissed/whatever that they brought it up and walk out, I responded and said "well that's interesting you bring that up. We haven't talked to X in awhile and have no idea what X's plans are. Would you like X's number to call and ask yourself?" They had no idea what to say. No of course they didn't want X's number. They just wanted the gossip. My mom thinks they know full well that this is a painful subject for her. I don't share her opinion, since SHE'S NEVER TOLD THEM! So I went on to say "this is a painful topic, is there a reason you persist in asking mom about it?" What I wanted to say was F you, but my mom was there and I don't want her to know that I say that word 

The rest of the night, they were on their best behavior. I have no idea if it will continue, but I told my mom skipping family functions (her parents are 91 and 92) is not really an option for her and that she can't let them bully her. My mom is worried they are talking about her/me and I said, let them. My grandparents even commended me on finally shutting them down. So it's not like other's enjoy their bitchy comments either.

[Jaguar]

Sis got snarky on Facebook with me over other family members, so I blocked her for a few weeks. She doesn't get snarky on Facebook with me anymore.