zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 8, 2016 15:00:00 GMT -5
Why would you air family dirt in public?
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lexxy703
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Post by lexxy703 on Sept 8, 2016 15:00:16 GMT -5
My mom is lot like this. If she knows her bro and SIL will be at an event, she thinks long and hard about going b/c she knows they will bring up uncomfortable topics that she doesn't want to talk about. They aren't mean to her, just gossip about EVERYTHING even when it's clear that it's an uncomfortable topic and mom would rather not talk about it. When I was with my mom this last weekend, her bro and SIL were there. Anyway, they brought up subject #1 mom doesn't want to talk about and before my mom could get hurt/pissed/whatever that they brought it up and walk out, I responded and said "well that's interesting you bring that up. We haven't talked to X in awhile and have no idea what X's plans are. Would you like X's number to call and ask yourself?" They had no idea what to say. No of course they didn't want X's number. They just wanted the gossip. My mom thinks they know full well that this is a painful subject for her. I don't share her opinion, since SHE'S NEVER TOLD THEM! So I went on to say "this is a painful topic, is there a reason you persist in asking mom about it?" What I wanted to say was F you, but my mom was there and I don't want her to know that I say that word The rest of the night, they were on their best behavior. I have no idea if it will continue, but I told my mom skipping family functions (her parents are 91 and 92) is not really an option for her and that she can't let them bully her. My mom is worried they are talking about her/me and I said, let them. My grandparents even commended me on finally shutting them down. So it's not like other's enjoy their bitchy comments either. Awesome save Flamingo!
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Sept 8, 2016 15:03:08 GMT -5
You need good coping skills when dealing with this type of person. I've learned to not engage and just smile, turn my back on her and walk away. She needs an audience and I ain't going to give her that.
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Sept 8, 2016 15:04:14 GMT -5
You probably need a dozen or two reaponses. They need range and variety. Snark, condensation, pleasant and unrelated. The snark answer of moving into Dad's garage, or that she doesn't love him enough to live close. The condescending answer "bless your heart." The direct answer " Don't be shitty. It makes you look bad." The pleasant answer "I like living near Dad, and I like living in this area. I can't imagine why that is a problem for anyone." And the misdirection/unrelated "Did Aunt Janet tell you about her new job? It sounds interesting. " Put them in random order and just scroll through. Gauge the situation to make yourself look best. Who is around? What will their reaction be? And, walk away.
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Sept 8, 2016 15:09:39 GMT -5
Why would you air family dirt in public? One man's trash is another man's treasure. Maybe some don't feel the dirt is as dirty as others do? That's not to excuse discussing stuff that makes someone present uncomfortable.
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flamingo
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Post by flamingo on Sept 8, 2016 15:10:54 GMT -5
Why would you air family dirt in public? Well my mom think that my aunt and uncle do it b/c they think our family dirt/dysfunction makes them look less dysfunctional. I think they do it b/c they are truly clueless that this situation would be uncomfortable/painful for my mom to talk about. They like to gossip - you don't tell my aunt anything unless you want the entire world to know about 2.7 seconds later.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Sept 8, 2016 15:12:34 GMT -5
"Ha ha, I'm only joking "
Stop, look around the room and say "I am sure when you say something funny, someone will laugh. But, read the room. No one is laughing, so your jokes suck. Get new material."
And then the next time say "What a lame way to pretend you aren't a bitch. A 5 year old can come up with that excuse."
And if she starts in on you, say "What? I was only joking."
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 8, 2016 15:14:12 GMT -5
I'd be on FB saying something to stop it
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Sept 8, 2016 15:17:08 GMT -5
Or do a fake laugh, slap your knee, bend over laughing. Stand up and say with a total angry face "Good one." It really emphasizes how funny it is not.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Sept 8, 2016 15:21:46 GMT -5
@bluester, it sounds like you're at that point in your journey where you're ready to learn how to stop letting others own you. We all get there sooner or later. It's the time when we really start to become ourselves, without apology. You're there. You just need to take that first step. Always go to family functions if you love the folks there - even if your ugly sister will be there, too. If you don't go, you're only giving ol' ugly more ammunition to bash you with. Practice "smart-arse" in front of a mirror. Use the Gene Wilder memes as blueprints for the look you want to perfect. A side-wise glance at a friend, a wry grin, and a wink do wonders when accompanied by something like: "Oh, my! Do, pleeease, tell us aaalll about it." Never lose the grin no matter how she responds. Hang tough. When she goes silent (and she will), lose the grin to a look of profound pity followed by a sad smile, turn, and walk away. Get a good friend or family member to role-play this with you until you have it down-pat. Even for the worst of them, it rarely fails. The trick is to always, always, always be in a group when you encounter her. She needs to feel it publicly. I'm sorry this is happening. I sense it hurts you. I know it shouldn't, but you don't quite know that down deep yet. You will. You're ready.
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Artemis Windsong
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Sept 8, 2016 15:51:49 GMT -5
The way my older brother plays this. He just disappears. No telephone. Cannot find him. He is a real piece of work but it shuts down the discussion.
If they keep badgering you about the wedding, you had a bout of the flu or zika.
He is also one of these people who know how to push my buttons until I can no longer defend myself. In the past 15 years, I have had to have my H. with me to intervene when I am around him.
You are not alone. You belong. You are worthy. You are competent.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Sept 8, 2016 15:52:18 GMT -5
I would put your sister in her place. Why do you let her speak to you like that? I usually play it one of two ways...passive aggressive or just flat out confrontational. But I've been told I have a strong personality....lol
And I would be damned if I would miss a family gathering that I wanted to go to (assuming you wanted to go in the first place) because of her.
ETA: The only one I got out of my way to avoid is my ex and that's only because I dont' have it in me to be civil and I will never let him know the site of him makes me want to punch his face in. I much prefer he thinks I don't care at all...and I can only pull that off if I don't see his smug face
My sister has a strong personality. She is mean. She has chased people with baseball bats before. I don't want that.
Want me to do it for you? I'm not scared.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Sept 8, 2016 16:08:26 GMT -5
bluester one thing that you said really reminded me of my little sister.
LS finds offense where none is intended. She also assigns the worst possible motive to innocent comments or actions. For instance, she called me once when I was outside working in the yard and didn't have my phone. I called her back a few hours later when I saw her message and she refused to talk to me. I found out later that LS was claiming that I ignored her phone call on purpose just to be mean to her, and now she was refusing to talk to me.
This isn't just with me. She quit a job once because her boss asked her to turn in her vacation request at least a week in advance (he was being mean to her and picking on her.) She quit attending a certain church because when she brought in a toy for a white elephant sale the church was holding, one of the church members organizing the sale commented that the toy was dirty. (Mean). She ended a friendship with one of her friends because they were both trying to get pregnant, and the other woman got pregnant first and kept talking about her new baby (mean). She got mad at our other sister because she talked to her quickly and then got off the phone too fast (our other sister was at work and had to get to a meeting - little sister said she was being mean to her and deliberately cutting her off). When my mom used to live near her and had a medical crisis, LS insisted not only was our mother mean to her, so was the head nurse, my mother's roommate, the social worker and the security guard.
It's ruined our relationship because while my older sister and I have struggled to caretake our mother who has dementia, LS (who lives seven hours away) has had countless sulking fits. She just stops talking. If you try to call her she won't answer her phone, if you try to text or email she ignores it for the weeks or months it takes for her to decide she can stand to talk to you again, and then she just goes on like nothing ever happened, so you never do get to find out what set her off this time.(Although sometimes I get unlucky and she has one of her melt downs on me - which is worse). At this point, I don't care anymore.
So I would suggest, rather than shutting down and turning away from your sister when she says something you think is snarky, just tell her "That's a snarky thing to say." See what she says in response. Maybe she'll say 'sorry, I didn't mean it to sound snarky. I meant it must be nice to be so close to dad so you can pop in anytime you want to, I wish I could do that." If she apologizes, take her at face value and let it go. If she gets angry, then you're right to put some distance between you. But I think you need to screw up your resolve and just say something to her. Shutting down and refusing to talk to her guarantees the two of you will end up like my little sister and me - miles and a lot of dead air between us. And that would be a shame.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2016 17:03:16 GMT -5
I have talked to her about things in the past. She is one of those that won't listen. You know how some people are irrational?
She bitched at me once because my dad took me out to eat but not her. This came up about 20 years after the fact. I told her he took me out to eat because I was 15 and she was 22. He was responsible for putting food in my belly. Sister had her own apartment and was married with children already. -- She didn't care about the facts. He should have fed her too.
She bitched at me once because the spare bedroom at Dad's house was referred to as "my" room. What isn't it called her room? I told her I thought that was because I was the last person to occupy that room since I was the youngest. She didn't care to hear my reasoning. Now it is awkward because nobody knows what to call that room. Spare bedroom 1 and spare bedroom 2?
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Sept 8, 2016 17:10:18 GMT -5
@bluester, from what you're telling us she's just determined to go negative at every opportunity. I'm not so worried about your relationship with this sister, frankly. It will be, or it will not be. What I'm concerned about is what it's doing to you and to the rest of your family and those interrelationships. You don't really need her to listen. What you need her to do is shut up with the nastiness. That's of no value whatever. To get there, you've got to stop running away and stand your ground. That's the only way this harmful behavior can be stopped
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Sept 8, 2016 17:13:06 GMT -5
I would just tell her to fuck off but then I'm an only child. And I'm a first class bitch!! Oh, and sure you have been given good advice from others here - didn't read all replies so off to do that now
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Sept 8, 2016 17:14:11 GMT -5
Paint them different colors and call them by the color.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Sept 8, 2016 17:53:40 GMT -5
...
Examples:
I live 1/4 mile from my 82 year old father. She lives 300 miles from him. She makes rude comments about me living in my father's back yard.
When I got my bachelor's degree she looked me in the eye and said "education ain't that important." For you, maybe not.
I quit a toxic job and had four weeks off before I started my new job. She kept referring to it as my "job situation" and how she wished she didn't have to work. So ... how's your job situation? <smile evil or otherwise optional>
I hurt my back and ended up in the emergency room. The only thing she asked was "how much is that going to cost you?" Raise your eyebrows and walk away. Do that with anything painfully stupid or insensitive.
During archery season I shot a buck with my bow. Her husband looked right at me and said "you didn't shoot it, your SO did and you tagged it." Ummm, no, I sat in my stand every night and waited to get a shot. Memory failing already. Happens I guess. <walk away>
It froze here the beginning of June and the end of August. I told her husband that and he said "it did not!" Keep in mind, he lives 300 miles south of me. And you know this because you live in Dad's backyard? <raised eyebrow, walk away>
Since I didn't go to the recent wedding, I am hearing about it from other family. I don't want to tell them I stayed home because my sister is mean.
I call it self-care. I cannot be around them because everything I say or do is wrong (in their eyes). Heck, I don't even live in the right place.
What would you do?
What would I do? I would get to the point that nothing she says bothers me, because I own who I am and what I do. If you didn't feel anything but OK about living close to your Dad, her comments would make you think meh, or something similar. Maybe you don't like the exaggeration of it, but I'd just toss a comment, move on & walk away.
I understand wanting to stay away to not deal with it, but in some way your sister is teaching you to be tough, and do what you want anyway. When you cease to care that they want to make you wrong, you will be free and just fine.
Bolded are some of the things I might say. Never ever accept their judgment you are wrong unless you believe you are.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Sept 8, 2016 18:11:16 GMT -5
I have an older sister that is constantly making snarky remarks to me. (I am in my 40s and she is in her 50s.) I am to the point where I avoid her at all costs because it depresses me. Recently there was a family wedding and I did not go because I knew I would be uncomfortable around her and her husband.
Examples:
I live 1/4 mile from my 82 year old father. She lives 300 miles from him. She makes rude comments about me living in my father's back yard. Isn't this an expression? I don't see how this is rude.
When I got my bachelor's degree she looked me in the eye and said "education ain't that important." She's stupid and jealous.
I quit a toxic job and had four weeks off before I started my new job. She kept referring to it as my "job situation" and how she wished she didn't have to work. Again, I don't see this as rude but an expression. It was a situation with a job you had and she admitted to being jealous.
I hurt my back and ended up in the emergency room. The only thing she asked was "how much is that going to cost you?" Lacks compassion and is probably broke and so narcissistic that she can only think of herself during your emergency. I hope your back is ok now. (((Hugs))) Nothing worse than back problems.
During archery season I shot a buck with my bow. Her husband looked right at me and said "you didn't shoot it, your SO did and you tagged it." Ummm, no, I sat in my stand every night and waited to get a shot. La La La La!!! (I no likey this part)
It froze here the beginning of June and the end of August. I told her husband that and he said "it did not!" Keep in mind, he lives 300 miles south of me. So she married somebody like her and he's also stupid?
Since I didn't go to the recent wedding, I am hearing about it from other family. I don't want to tell them I stayed home because my sister is mean. That is b.s! Don't allow a bully to keep you from doing what you'd want to do if you want to do it! Learn the fine art of saying "That's nice" when she pulls her crap and just politely walk away. You don't have to lower yourself to her level. She's being her. You need to continue being you but with a little thicker skin.
I call it self-care. I cannot be around them because everything I say or do is wrong (in their eyes). Heck, I don't even live in the right place. It sounds like she has wore you down after all these years. We need to toughen you up!
What would you do? Take her sorry ass down and enjoy every minute of it! But I can also be mean and did that with my coward brother who is 6 ft. 3 in. and carries a gun on him. I told him he doesn't scare me and let him have it. Let me share a secret with you! People who act like this all the time are scared little kids. Smack her down and she'll check herself next time around you. Then come back here and tell us all about it.
See above in bold.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Sept 8, 2016 19:06:12 GMT -5
I have talked to her about things in the past. She is one of those that won't listen. You know how some people are irrational?
She bitched at me once because my dad took me out to eat but not her. This came up about 20 years after the fact. I told her he took me out to eat because I was 15 and she was 22. He was responsible for putting food in my belly. Sister had her own apartment and was married with children already. -- She didn't care about the facts. He should have fed her too.
She bitched at me once because the spare bedroom at Dad's house was referred to as "my" room. What isn't it called her room? I told her I thought that was because I was the last person to occupy that room since I was the youngest. She didn't care to hear my reasoning. Now it is awkward because nobody knows what to call that room. Spare bedroom 1 and spare bedroom 2?
She sounds very petty and whiny. Have other family members told that as well? I couldn't put up with that. I might have killed her by now.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 8, 2016 19:10:08 GMT -5
I have talked to her about things in the past. She is one of those that won't listen. You know how some people are irrational?
She bitched at me once because my dad took me out to eat but not her. This came up about 20 years after the fact. I told her he took me out to eat because I was 15 and she was 22. He was responsible for putting food in my belly. Sister had her own apartment and was married with children already. -- She didn't care about the facts. He should have fed her too.
She bitched at me once because the spare bedroom at Dad's house was referred to as "my" room. What isn't it called her room? I told her I thought that was because I was the last person to occupy that room since I was the youngest. She didn't care to hear my reasoning. Now it is awkward because nobody knows what to call that room. Spare bedroom 1 and spare bedroom 2?
She sounds very petty and whiny. Have other family members told that as well? I couldn't put up with that. I might have killed her by now. Nope. Those kind of people brow beat and intimidate everyone. No one stands up to them.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Sept 8, 2016 19:11:51 GMT -5
I would just tell her to fuck off but then I'm an only child. And I'm a first class bitch!! Oh, and sure you have been given good advice from others here - didn't read all replies so off to do that now I'm not an only child and I'd tell my sister to STFU if she acted that way. So would the rest of our family including our parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. She'd pretty much only be safe with my grandparents.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Sept 8, 2016 19:38:59 GMT -5
Tell her to shut the hell up!
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dannylion
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Post by dannylion on Sept 8, 2016 20:04:23 GMT -5
Just smile and thank her for sharing. Refuse to engage in conversation with her other than to thank her for sharing. It will annoy her and make her be mean, but she's mean already, so what do you have to lose? At least you will be annoying her.
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Anne_in_VA
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Post by Anne_in_VA on Sept 8, 2016 20:34:34 GMT -5
Just smile and thank her for sharing. Refuse to engage in conversation with her other than to thank her for sharing. It will annoy her and make her be mean, but she's mean already, so what do you have to lose? At least you will be annoying her. I think I like this answer the best out of all the ones suggested. You can't change her but you can change how you react to her.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Sept 8, 2016 20:55:37 GMT -5
Just smile and thank her for sharing. Refuse to engage in conversation with her other than to thank her for sharing. It will annoy her and make her be mean, but she's mean already, so what do you have to lose? At least you will be annoying her. I agree. Don't engage folks like this. It just feeds them. If it's not an unusual, sudden, uncharacteristic meanness but a lifetime pattern and personality, then move on. It sucks not to have a close, supportive, relationship with her, but that's on her, NOT you.
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garion2003
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Post by garion2003 on Sept 9, 2016 14:18:26 GMT -5
"Ha ha, I'm only joking " Stop, look around the room and say "I am sure when you say something funny, someone will laugh. But, read the room. No one is laughing, so your jokes suck. Get new material." And then the next time say " What a lame way to pretend you aren't a bitch. A 5 year old can come up with that excuse." And if she starts in on you, say "What? I was only joking."
Seriously, I love that bit. I may use it!
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Sept 9, 2016 14:29:44 GMT -5
Just smile and thank her for sharing. Refuse to engage in conversation with her other than to thank her for sharing. It will annoy her and make her be mean, but she's mean already, so what do you have to lose? At least you will be annoying her. I think I like this answer the best out of all the ones suggested. You can't change her but you can change how you react to her. I like this answer, too, it also removes all angst/concern/worry about what meanSister will say/do next. It won't matter if meanSister says something snarky - it's a simple "Thanks for sharing!" and moving on to the next topic or group of people.
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sesfw
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Post by sesfw on Sept 10, 2016 11:41:19 GMT -5
That's when I go one of two ways...I either am super sweet and will say "aww, any many hugs and kisses to you, too" or I walk away...really depends on my mood.
I like the super sweet comments ............. aww, how sweet of you to say that, and smile. Say that to her while she is bad-mouthing others also
Another comment ............ how sweet of you to care so much .... then walk away and avoid her.
But then I'm not always a very nice person
Sorry you have someone like that in your life .... But don't allow her keep you away from family functions
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Post by Deleted on Sept 11, 2016 9:46:27 GMT -5
My father, knowing full well about the medical issues in my house at the time with my late husband, would send me "conservative" jokes and messages about how everyone on Medicaid was a looser... He would also send email messages to other relatives complaining about my personal business.
I asked him to stop and it got worse.
I haven't talked to him in 3 years and have no plan to do so in the future. You just don't treat people that way.
Now, I hear he is complaining about not hearing from my adult kids. Well, when you refuse to visit them though they live within 3 hours of your house, I can imagine they don't know who you are enough to care to get into contact....
Some people just suck and you have to protect yourself, your family, and your own mental health from their crap. My own life is a lot less depressing without having to deal with my father's crap on a regular basis. I am sure to everyone else "I" am the problem. Okay, whatever.
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