toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 11, 2016 20:35:50 GMT -5
Are you a "hinter"? Someone that doesn't tell people things directly?
How do you feel about it, when you think someone is hinting to you?
Probably 30, or more years ago, I was a hinter. Not all the time, but I hated the idea of hurting someone's feelings, so I'd hint. When I got older (wiser?), I realized that in some ways, it was more hurtful and did less good, to hint. Plus I hate it when I think someone is hinting to me.
"Was she just hinting to me, about x, y, z?" Sometimes I'd really get myself worked up about it. Possibly stop talking to a friend, because I thought they had been hinting about something. I'm sure there were times when I totally missed a hint too.
This got me thinking... If I don't like it, it's likely other people don't like it. And I can't very well fault "Jane" for x,y,z if I had only hinted to her about it. Maybe my hint went right over her head. So I started working on being more direct and saying what I meant. Not in a cruel, mean, or harsh way. But in more of a matter of fact, way.
I have a neighbor, who hints ALL the time. It's annoying. I feel like she's trying to manipulate me, when she does it. (She is!) I have come right out and told her this and that I would appreciate it, if she would stop / would be direct.
Example 1:
If neighbor needs a ride to the doctor (she doesn't have a car), instead of calling and asking if I can / will give her a ride to the doctor, she calls and carries on and on about how she has a doctor appointment, but doesn't know how she's going to get there. She can't afford the bus fare, to get to it. And/Or she doesn't know what bus / train to take. Goes on and on. In these situations, she is waiting for me to offer her a ride, so she doesn't have to ask.
I have felt so irritated by her manipulation (hinting), that no matter what she says, if it isn't direct, I will not offer her a ride. Yet if she would just ask me, I would say yes and give her the ride she is looking for. -Once I looked up the train route and schedule, then printed it and gave it to her. That was Not the answer she was looking for. LOL
I have explained this to her, more than once (directly!), but she still hints.
Example 2: If Bob has bad body odor, but instead of mentioning it to him politely, you talk to him and say Bill has bad body odor(thinking he will get the hint), how can you be surprised when Bob doesn't do anything to correct his problem? And are you really surprised, when Bill stops talking to you, because he heard through the grapevine, you said he has bad body odor? On top of that, now Bob thinks the two of you are best buddies, because you shared a confidence with him and he has become your 'shadow'. You can't get rid of him, or his smell!
Even if it hurts my feelings a little, I'd rather someone be direct with me. Then there's no question about if you were hinting, or if I 'got it'. And I can choose whether or not, how, or if, I want to respond.
I am no longer a 'hinter'.
What are your thoughts on 'hinting'?
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msventoux
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Post by msventoux on Aug 11, 2016 20:43:05 GMT -5
I try to avoid it for many of the reasons mentioned. I'm not a good at giving hints apparently, since they rarely get picked up on. I'm also somewhat blunt and have just gone with that approach. People who know me well know not to ask me something unless they want my true take on things, which may not be what they're looking for. And they know to not hint around to me because I'll either act oblivious (whether I am or not) or they won't get the reaction they're looking for.
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sesfw
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Post by sesfw on Aug 11, 2016 21:28:26 GMT -5
Well said ...... I'm not a tactful person ....... and I am also quite dense. I honestly try to say things in a non-hurtful way but most of the time I'm a complete failure. At least people know where I stand.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 11, 2016 21:41:59 GMT -5
I used to hint. Anyone with half a brain got where I was going with it but would pretend not to. So I stopped and started saying outright what I wanted. Still a no go.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Aug 11, 2016 22:32:41 GMT -5
Yes. Today I hinted to a girl at work that she should bake us lemon cookies. It was not so subtle.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Aug 11, 2016 22:43:15 GMT -5
oh lordy, I am as blunt and transparent as you get.
I told my husband when we got married that he will NEVER have to wonder what I am thinking or saying. It will be as clear as can be.
I don't know if it's bc I am too lazy or too impatient or what, but I can not imagine going through a song and dance of saying thing without actually saying anything. Sounds waaay too exhausting.
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tallguy
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Post by tallguy on Aug 11, 2016 22:44:08 GMT -5
No. If you have something to say, be an adult and say it. And if someone can't show me enough respect to be open and honest and not waste my time, screw 'em.
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toomuchreality
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hinting
Aug 11, 2016 22:46:24 GMT -5
Post by toomuchreality on Aug 11, 2016 22:46:24 GMT -5
I try to avoid it for many of the reasons mentioned. I'm not a good at giving hints apparently, since they rarely get picked up on. I'm also somewhat blunt and have just gone with that approach. People who know me well know not to ask me something unless they want my true take on things, which may not be what they're looking for. And they know to not hint around to me because I'll either act oblivious (whether I am or not) or they won't get the reaction they're looking for. I'm this way too. I tell people all the time "Don't ask, if you don't want to know." And "Don't BS me. If I ask, it's because I want to know." Telling people what they want to hear... Other than stroking their ego, I don't see how that helps anyone, if it isn't the truth.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Aug 12, 2016 4:40:27 GMT -5
The dating world is full of "hinters" and "avoiders". I understand that you don't want to hurt people's feelings or want to appear desperate, but it's exhausting for those of us who don't have the mental energy to play the game.
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toomuchreality
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hinting
Aug 12, 2016 4:48:34 GMT -5
Post by toomuchreality on Aug 12, 2016 4:48:34 GMT -5
The dating world is full of "hinters" and "avoiders". I understand that you don't want to hurt people's feelings or want to appear desperate, but it's exhausting for those of us who don't have the mental energy to play the game.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 12, 2016 6:31:07 GMT -5
Yup, I outgrew that years ago thankfully.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Aug 12, 2016 6:54:54 GMT -5
oh lordy, I am as blunt and transparent as you get. I told my husband when we got married that he will NEVER have to wonder what I am thinking or saying. It will be as clear as can be. I don't know if it's bc I am too lazy or too impatient or what, but I can not imagine going through a song and dance of saying thing without actually saying anything. Sounds waaay too exhausting. I'm like this too and hinters tend to be offended by me, but I'm also offended by them so ...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2016 8:02:02 GMT -5
Totally against it, both on the giving and receiving end. My Ex was fond of hinting; he'd point out that something needed to be done but it really meant "Do this". It also backfires when the person doesn't get the point you're trying to make. I don't hint myself for the same reason. I'm very good with words and can choose just the right ones most of the time to get the degree of tact I want, but I prefer to be specific rather than expect them to guess what I'm trying to say.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Aug 12, 2016 8:19:53 GMT -5
Totally against it, both on the giving and receiving end. My Ex was fond of hinting; he'd point out that something needed to be done but it really meant "Do this". It also backfires when the person doesn't get the point you're trying to make. I don't hint myself for the same reason. I'm very good with words and can choose just the right ones most of the time to get the degree of tact I want, but I prefer to be specific rather than expect them to guess what I'm trying to say. I so want to be you when I grow up. I haven't mastered that skill at all!
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Aug 12, 2016 9:17:49 GMT -5
I try to avoid it for many of the reasons mentioned. I'm not a good at giving hints apparently, since they rarely get picked up on. I'm also somewhat blunt and have just gone with that approach. People who know me well know not to ask me something unless they want my true take on things, which may not be what they're looking for. And they know to not hint around to me because I'll either act oblivious (whether I am or not) or they won't get the reaction they're looking for. Could we be twins ?? I am glad I read thru the post before posting myself. I could "bold" the whole quote!!!
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Deleted
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hinting
Aug 12, 2016 9:29:43 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2016 9:29:43 GMT -5
Worst example of hinting from my Ex: early on when we started dating, we were going out to a concert with mutual friends. We agreed to meet for dinner at a nice restaurant first. As he and I were getting out of the car he said, "You might want to pick up the cost of dinner since Kathy and Howard picked up the concert tickets". I knew it wasn't a matter of "might want to" but was really an order. I was far more conciliatory back then. So I paid. Well, at least I had DS before the subsequent marriage went down in flames.
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dannylion
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Post by dannylion on Aug 12, 2016 9:54:48 GMT -5
I have a moocher cousin like this. He never asks for money, favors, etc., he just hints with fairly well-crafted back stories, often including staged phone calls from family members about whatever it is he wants you to pay for (the last time it was his daughter's graduate school tuition--amazingly, the phone call letting him know she had been accepted to her dream program came just as we were getting caught up on family happenings during his last visit). There is never an overt request for money, just a comment like, "Well, that's the good news we were hoping for. Now we just need to figure out how we're going to pay for it and her future is all set." It was during that visit that he finally figured out that I am not as stupid as I look and would not be taking up the slack left by the death of his aunt, who was generous to a fault (but did have limits). Come to think of it, I haven't heard from him since then. That outcome likely would have been the same had he come right out and asked me to pay her tuition as the answer would have been no.
Hinters are annoying but fun to mess with. All one needs to do is pretend to be completely oblivious to the hints and then watch their increasingly elaborate or desperate attempts to get their point across without actually coming out and asking for what they want.
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Tiny
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hinting
Aug 12, 2016 10:10:19 GMT -5
Post by Tiny on Aug 12, 2016 10:10:19 GMT -5
I HATE the whole hinting thing. When I was a kid, for a while, I seriously entertained the idea/belief that I was the ONLY person who couldn't read minds - because I'd get burned by all the people 'hinting' in my life. It was all about what was NOT said and I just could never figure out what was being NOT said by what was being said. I'm blunt - I'll ask - maybe with a bit of preamble - but I'll ask. Or I'll say something - again maybe with a bit of a preamble. That said, in later life, I've realized that for some people - especially women that they've been brought up to believe that it's RUDE and IMPOLITE to ASK for what they want. I think it's because, in theory, "nice, good, honorable women" don't ASK for anything - other people are suppose to acknowledge/honor/be nice to women by ASKING them if they need help/whatever. I noticed this "it's inappropriate for a Proper Woman to ask for something" mostly from older women (who lived thru the 40's and 50's as 20 or older somethings and/or from current younger women raised in very conservative traditional "family values" kind of households. Another different example would be my Drama Queen friend - she just assumes that everyone is concerned with HER feelings/situation. She hints ALOT. She expects to be asked. She can't offer an opinion on a subject or voice a vote on what to do - if she's isn't directly acknowledged and asked. It might be because she's a gradeschool teacher and that's the way things work in the classrooms <-- I don't mean this in a bad way - Our behavior/expectations are influenced by what we do the majority of the day - it's hard to shed our work persona and become someone else when we are not at work. Especially if we enjoy/tolerate our work. I generally try to acknowledge/realize the "hinting" to myself and when someone I know/respect or atleast want to get along with is doing it - I sometimes go the blunt route and just come out and answer the question I think they are asking... so, if someone calls me up and goes more than 3 sentences hinting about how they need a ride somewhere (or that they don't want to go alone or whatever) I will just bluntly say "No, I can't do that" or I'll cut off their hinting and get some facts "where? "when?" "how long?" etc... and then either say I'll do it or not. I think that's the way the 'hinter' is expecting the conversation to go - someone hints and then someone needs to be direct.
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zibazinski
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hinting
Aug 12, 2016 11:08:46 GMT -5
Post by zibazinski on Aug 12, 2016 11:08:46 GMT -5
I've been blunt. It either gets ignored or I'm considered a nag for not letting it go.
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toomuchreality
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hinting
Aug 12, 2016 12:02:14 GMT -5
Post by toomuchreality on Aug 12, 2016 12:02:14 GMT -5
I HATE the whole hinting thing. When I was a kid, for a while, I seriously entertained the idea/belief that I was the ONLY person who couldn't read minds - because I'd get burned by all the people 'hinting' in my life. It was all about what was NOT said and I just could never figure out what was being NOT said by what was being said. I'm blunt - I'll ask - maybe with a bit of preamble - but I'll ask. Or I'll say something - again maybe with a bit of a preamble. That said, in later life, I've realized that for some people - especially women that they've been brought up to believe that it's RUDE and IMPOLITE to ASK for what they want. I think it's because, in theory, "nice, good, honorable women" don't ASK for anything - other people are suppose to acknowledge/honor/be nice to women by ASKING them if they need help/whatever. I noticed this "it's inappropriate for a Proper Woman to ask for something" mostly from older women (who lived thru the 40's and 50's as 20 or older somethings and/or from current younger women raised in very conservative traditional "family values" kind of households. Another different example would be my Drama Queen friend - she just assumes that everyone is concerned with HER feelings/situation. She hints ALOT. She expects to be asked. She can't offer an opinion on a subject or voice a vote on what to do - if she's isn't directly acknowledged and asked. It might be because she's a gradeschool teacher and that's the way things work in the classrooms <-- I don't mean this in a bad way - Our behavior/expectations are influenced by what we do the majority of the day - it's hard to shed our work persona and become someone else when we are not at work. Especially if we enjoy/tolerate our work. I generally try to acknowledge/realize the "hinting" to myself and when someone I know/respect or atleast want to get along with is doing it - I sometimes go the blunt route and just come out and answer the question I think they are asking... so, if someone calls me up and goes more than 3 sentences hinting about how they need a ride somewhere (or that they don't want to go alone or whatever) I will just bluntly say "No, I can't do that" or I'll cut off their hinting and get some facts "where? "when?" "how long?" etc... and then either say I'll do it or not. I think that's the way the 'hinter' is expecting the conversation to go - someone hints and then someone needs to be direct. I think you're right, when it comes to a lot of people/women. I used to think my neighbor was just being polite, or something of that nature. But that is definitely not the case, for her. She's very manipulative. She counts on catching people off guard, so they don't know what to say. Then she gets away with 'it'. No questions asked. A few days ago, she called and wanted to buy a lighter from me. I'm sure what she really wanted was for me to give her a lighter. BTDT way too many times. I told her I had one. She asked how much it would be and I told her $2, the same amount I paid for it. She agreed to this and asked if she could come get it. When she got here & I gave her the lighter (still in the pkg), she put a bunch of loose change on my counter, as payment. I said thank you, and she went on her way. Later, I decided to count the money she'd left me, just to be sure. Instead of $2.00, she had only given me $1.67! This is not the first time she's done this. I have no doubt, she was hoping I would just scoop the change up, without counting it. That I would trust her. And she could get a better deal. When I called and confronted her, she claimed she thought it was $2. Hmm... Let's see... 167 sounds a lot like 200. Just misplaced several coins and counted some of the others twice! Easy to do. -Yeah, right. When it comes to a ride, or anything else, if you offer, then she doesn't have to feel responsible. It was your choice. After all, she didn't ask you to do it. With her, if I were to figure out what she was wanting and then tell her yes, or no, she would love that. There would be even less for her to be responsible for. Everyone could just take care of everything for her. She wouldn't even have to ask. Heaven! I used to do that. I don't do that any more. If she wants a ride, she can act like an adult, call me and ask for one. I'm not going to beg her, to let me take her. If it were someone else, I would handle it totally different. But I don't like being used, then told that isn't what just happened. The S on my Starbucks cup, doesn't stand for stupid.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Aug 12, 2016 13:40:23 GMT -5
I sure do wish I had some chocolate right now. <<Sigh>> Too bad I'm out of money until payday, I had to <<insert wonderful excuse here>>.
<<sigh>>
<<runs and hides>>
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quince
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Post by quince on Aug 12, 2016 14:02:34 GMT -5
I think it is inappropriate and leads to misunderstandings to make assumptions about what people mean, so I assume that they are grown up enough to say what they mean, and I behave as though I'm grown up enough to say what I mean.
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toomuchreality
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hinting
Aug 12, 2016 14:15:41 GMT -5
Post by toomuchreality on Aug 12, 2016 14:15:41 GMT -5
I've been blunt. It either gets ignored or I'm considered a nag for not letting it go. Yep. Me too. But at least no one can say they didn't know, or that I wasn't honest, or didn't try. I would be so bugged, if I asked 'you' a specific question (did I get katsup on my pants?) and you told me no, when there actually was. Because you didn't think I had a way to deal with it (no bathroom, etc). Is my muffin top hanging out? No. Your shirt looks darling. (muffin top shows in the back) Your tatt looks so sexy! Said no one, in their right mind. Although I am blunt, there are times when I think it's better, to just not any anything. If I give you a compliment, it's because I mean it. Not because I'm stroking your ego. And certainly not, because I'm fishing for a compliment, myself. Anyone that has to fish for a compliment, doesn't deserve one, is generally what I think.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Aug 12, 2016 14:22:13 GMT -5
TMR, the first one is not so bad, but I don't understand how people like the last photo can even wear those pants. It must be painful until the zipper or seams give out.
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toomuchreality
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hinting
Aug 12, 2016 14:53:37 GMT -5
Post by toomuchreality on Aug 12, 2016 14:53:37 GMT -5
I know. Huh?!? I don't think the first one is so bad either. But if I'm asking if my muffin top shows and it looks like this, but you say no, it's fine. I am not going to be happy.
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mroped
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Post by mroped on Aug 12, 2016 19:53:22 GMT -5
I can't hint to save my ass! My control of English as a language is poor so I have to be blunt! And I do tend to speak my mind no matter the circumstances. Sometimes without even filtering!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2016 23:02:03 GMT -5
Hinting is a game played by reading between the lines.
When it is not someone trying to manipulate me into doing something for them other than the following- I will read between lines if the person is sincerely too embarrassed to actually say what it is- But really want to discuss a personal matter with me- Hoping I would figure out what they want to say, and spare them the embarrassment of having to utter the words.
Other than that, if I know the person is a habitual, hinting, manipulator. No. I will NOT play the game.
Do I hint at times? Yes. Mostly to spare someone's feelings, at first. If I see they are not picking up on subtle hints, then I will try and approach the matter as best I can,. Kindly and direct.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 13, 2016 4:48:52 GMT -5
I've been blunt. It either gets ignored or I'm considered a nag for not letting it go. Yep. Me too. But at least no one can say they didn't know, or that I wasn't honest, or didn't try. I would be so bugged, if I asked 'you' a specific question (did I get katsup on my pants?) and you told me no, when there actually was. Because you didn't think I had a way to deal with it (no bathroom, etc). Is my muffin top hanging out? No. Your shirt looks darling. (muffin top shows in the back) Your tatt looks so sexy! Said no one, in their right mind. Although I am blunt, there are times when I think it's better, to just not any anything. If I give you a compliment, it's because I mean it. Not because I'm stroking your ego. And certainly not, because I'm fishing for a compliment, myself. Anyone that has to fish for a compliment, doesn't deserve one, is generally what I think. Buy clothes that fit the body you have not the body you want.
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Aug 13, 2016 12:54:23 GMT -5
The men in my relationships has ever taken hints. Much better to say "Can you cut the grass this afternoon please"..... than spend days saying how long the grass is and you can't see the dog. etc Its just a time saver. As for telling someone their clothes don't fit......I just wouldn't say anything. Wouldn't want to knock someone's confidence.......... although.... I may just point to a hanger and say have you tried the blue one.....it matches your eyes etc. Or...I don't think that material will wash very well.... something like that.
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mroped
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Post by mroped on Aug 13, 2016 13:18:11 GMT -5
"That color doesn't look good on you!" Can you try on the XXL?
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