Anne_in_VA
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Post by Anne_in_VA on Aug 13, 2016 13:50:02 GMT -5
I don't usually hint but am usually pretty direct. Saves time and anguish by my not trying to figure out what someone is trying to say if they're hinting. I'm too old for that shit!
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 14, 2016 2:29:40 GMT -5
"That color doesn't look good on you!" Can you try on the XXL?
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Aug 14, 2016 12:30:28 GMT -5
I've been blunt. It either gets ignored or I'm considered a nag for not letting it go. Yep. Me too. But at least no one can say they didn't know, or that I wasn't honest, or didn't try. I would be so bugged, if I asked 'you' a specific question (did I get katsup on my pants?) and you told me no, when there actually was. Because you didn't think I had a way to deal with it (no bathroom, etc). Is my muffin top hanging out? No. Your shirt looks darling. (muffin top shows in the back) Your tatt looks so sexy! Said no one, in their right mind. Although I am blunt, there are times when I think it's better, to just not any anything. If I give you a compliment, it's because I mean it. Not because I'm stroking your ego. And certainly not, because I'm fishing for a compliment, myself. Anyone that has to fish for a compliment, doesn't deserve one, is generally what I think. "You are beautiful and have a cute shape, but I don't think those jeans/shirt/whatever accentuate it. You would look gorgeous in something more like (hold up something that covers a little more/is a better fit/actually makes her look good)..." That's what I would do if this woman was my friend. Truthful doesn't need to mean hurtful.
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mroped
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Post by mroped on Aug 14, 2016 12:51:28 GMT -5
"You should find a better dry cleaner! Your current one keeps shrinking your clothes!"
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Aug 14, 2016 20:27:01 GMT -5
At first I thought you meant in a capacity like gift giving. That one isn't so bad I guess. But now I see you actually mean manipulation, and yeah I hate it. It motivates me to do the opposite.
I've noticed too many people like to start requests (or really, commands) with "Did you want to...?". "Did you want to see if the mailman delivered the package?" "Did I WANT to...? No."
As far as the whole bad breath thing... people "say" they would want to know, but many sure don't react that way. I debated whether to tell someone who was speaking to me that their cigarette and coffee breath was making me nauseous. I talked it over with someone else who told me there were 100 reasons why that might be belittling and embarrassing to that person, or why I could be wrong. Sometimes you say more by saying nothing.
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toomuchreality
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hinting
Aug 14, 2016 21:00:57 GMT -5
Post by toomuchreality on Aug 14, 2016 21:00:57 GMT -5
At first I thought you meant in a capacity like gift giving. That one isn't so bad I guess. But now I see you actually mean manipulation, and yeah I hate it. It motivates me to do the opposite. I've noticed too many people like to start requests (or really, commands) with "Did you want to...?". "Did you want to see if the mailman delivered the package?" "Did I WANT to...? No." As far as the whole bad breath thing... people "say" they would want to know, but many sure don't react that way. I debated whether to tell someone who was speaking to me that their cigarette and coffee breath was making me nauseous. I talked it over with someone else who told me there were 100 reasons why that might be belittling and embarrassing to that person, or why I could be wrong. Sometimes you say more by saying nothing. Agreed. I have come right out and said that, more than once. I have another neighbor, who likes to say "I'm sure you know what I mean." as a way of getting people to agree with what he said. I find this irritating. One time, after he finished saying something I didn't agree with, so I didn't say anything, he said "I'm sure you know what I mean." I promptly turned to him and said "Quite frankly (name), I haven't got a clue!" This was apparently the first time anyone had said that to him. He was rather shaken up by it. (I giggled inside, afterward.) A lady I know used to ask me for a ride, between 6-6:30AM. She could go later, but that's what time she liked to go. This is the time when I am usually going to bed & I told her that, more than once. One time when I gave her a ride, she said "I hate having to do this every day." She'd made that comment to me many times before and carried on about how inconvenient it was for her, but she never did anything to change it. So that day, I replied "Your friends do too." That time she got it! I find gift hinting acceptable, for the most part. I guess because I usually find it helpful, not manipulative. Any time I feel like someone is trying to manipulate me, it tends to have the opposite reaction. <le sigh >
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 15, 2016 5:04:50 GMT -5
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Aug 15, 2016 7:33:35 GMT -5
I hate it.
My mom and little sister were queens of this tactic. They would make a passing comment that I'm supposed to pick up on and interpret correctly. I usually didn't, because I'm not a freakin' mind reader. Then one or both of them would sulk, sometimes for months, and I had no idea what it was I did or said or didn't do or didn't say THIS time. And if you asked what was wrong, they would sniff and look very put upon and say 'Oh, nothing.' And then go back to sulking.
It isn't just me. They did this to my dad, to my two older sibs, and now, apparently, little sister does the same thing at work, because she bounces from job to job always complaining that her boss and co-workers hate her and try to make her life hard. They don't - they just don't pick up on her little hints any better than I do, and they get annoyed when she launches into her passive aggressive sulking mode. Only difference is, they can fire her and I can't fire her from being my sister.
It's crazy making. Say what you mean in actual (polite) words, and then graciously deal with the response. Don't expect everyone else to be able to read between the lines of your special code language.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 15, 2016 15:16:07 GMT -5
I hate it.
My mom and little sister were queens of this tactic. They would make a passing comment that I'm supposed to pick up on and interpret correctly. I usually didn't, because I'm not a freakin' mind reader. Then one or both of them would sulk, sometimes for months, and I had no idea what it was I did or said or didn't do or didn't say THIS time. And if you asked what was wrong, they would sniff and look very put upon and say 'Oh, nothing.' And then go back to sulking.
It isn't just me. They did this to my dad, to my two older sibs, and now, apparently, little sister does the same thing at work, because she bounces from job to job always complaining that her boss and co-workers hate her and try to make her life hard. They don't - they just don't pick up on her little hints any better than I do, and they get annoyed when she launches into her passive aggressive sulking mode. Only difference is, they can fire her and I can't fire her from being my sister.
It's crazy making. Say what you mean in actual (polite) words, and then graciously deal with the response. Don't expect everyone else to be able to read between the lines of your special code language.
Well said. FWIW: I like reading your posts. You communicate well. Articulate and concise, but also pleasant. I hope you're having a marvelous Monday!
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Aug 15, 2016 21:08:59 GMT -5
If I've learned anything during my 56 years on this rock, I will not waste a moment of my precious time trying to decipher what you don't have the balls to say to me, because hinting is far more often manipulative and passive-aggressive than not. So, I walk this planet in blissful ignorance, hopefully further pissing off those people whose hints I'm refusing to pick up on. And, I don't play mind games with other folks. Life is too short to turn it into a House of Cards episode.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Aug 15, 2016 21:18:58 GMT -5
I am fairly certain most people in my life wished that I was a hinter.
I don't have time for that. I say what I mean, mean what I say. I am direct and and have no problem saying what I want.
I am also not one of those females who say "fine" when they are mad. I don't understand what lying is supposed to accomplish.
Sent from my SM-N920T using proboards
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tallguy
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hinting
Aug 15, 2016 21:25:52 GMT -5
Post by tallguy on Aug 15, 2016 21:25:52 GMT -5
I am fairly certain most people in my life wished that I was a hinter. I don't have time for that. I say what I mean, mean what I say. I am direct and and have no problem saying what I want. I am also not one of those females who say "fine" when they are mad. I don't understand what lying is supposed to accomplish.
Sent from my SM-N920T using proboards Wow, you really did miss out on the "female" gene, didn't you. It's to justify your staying mad for no real reason. (Or more appropriately, for a reason completely unrelated to the supposed one.)
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Aug 15, 2016 21:59:44 GMT -5
I am fairly certain most people in my life wished that I was a hinter. I don't have time for that. I say what I mean, mean what I say. I am direct and and have no problem saying what I want. I am also not one of those females who say "fine" when they are mad. I don't understand what lying is supposed to accomplish.
Sent from my SM-N920T using proboards Wow, you really did miss out on the "female" gene, didn't you. It's to justify your staying mad for no real reason. (Or more appropriately, for a reason completely unrelated to the supposed one.) I just don't have the time or energy for that... and no desire to walk around being mad. Hash it out and move on with our lives! Sent from my SM-N920T using proboards
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zibazinski
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hinting
Aug 16, 2016 0:50:00 GMT -5
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 16, 2016 0:50:00 GMT -5
I tried to stay mad but ended up forgetting what I was mad about. That made me mad, too!!
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Aug 16, 2016 6:33:46 GMT -5
I hate it.
My mom and little sister were queens of this tactic. They would make a passing comment that I'm supposed to pick up on and interpret correctly. I usually didn't, because I'm not a freakin' mind reader. Then one or both of them would sulk, sometimes for months, and I had no idea what it was I did or said or didn't do or didn't say THIS time. And if you asked what was wrong, they would sniff and look very put upon and say 'Oh, nothing.' And then go back to sulking.
It isn't just me. They did this to my dad, to my two older sibs, and now, apparently, little sister does the same thing at work, because she bounces from job to job always complaining that her boss and co-workers hate her and try to make her life hard. They don't - they just don't pick up on her little hints any better than I do, and they get annoyed when she launches into her passive aggressive sulking mode. Only difference is, they can fire her and I can't fire her from being my sister.
It's crazy making. Say what you mean in actual (polite) words, and then graciously deal with the response. Don't expect everyone else to be able to read between the lines of your special code language.
Well said. FWIW: I like reading your posts. You communicate well. Articulate and concise, but also pleasant. I hope you're having a marvelous Monday! Back atcha
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Aug 16, 2016 8:17:24 GMT -5
My mother is a constant hinter. She knows I'll do whatever I can that needs doing but for some reason, she can't come out and ask me. She'll say stuff like, "How do you start the mower?" In GEL's mom-speak, that means, "Will you come mow?" I called her bluff once and told her to come on outside and I'd show her. Nope. Not today. It's too hot.
I'm very direct and I'm wondering if it's because of dealing with a hinter for so many years. I try to be tactful most times - it doesn't always work - but I try. Still, I say what I mean.
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Peace Of Mind
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[font color="#8f2520"]~ Drinks Well With Others ~[/font]
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Aug 16, 2016 16:15:07 GMT -5
I love hinters! I can then choose what to hear and what not to hear. I have playing stupid mastered. Shut up! I am to "playing dumb". Unless math, directions, and technology are involved. That's real.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Aug 16, 2016 16:17:18 GMT -5
oh lordy, I am as blunt and transparent as you get. I told my husband when we got married that he will NEVER have to wonder what I am thinking or saying. It will be as clear as can be. I don't know if it's bc I am too lazy or too impatient or what, but I can not imagine going through a song and dance of saying thing without actually saying anything. Sounds waaay too exhausting. I'm pretty sure this is not a compliment to you but we are exactly the same.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Aug 19, 2016 14:57:10 GMT -5
...:::"I am also not one of those females who say "fine" when they are mad. I don't understand what lying is supposed to accomplish.":::...
I hate when DW won't talk. I frequently feel she is upset about something that could be resolved with 3 minutes of honest adult conversation. Sometimes I wonder about just going stone cold and when she says "fine", just saying "great!" in the happiest tone I can muster.
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NoNamePerson
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Is There Anybody OUT There?
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hinting
Aug 19, 2016 15:14:02 GMT -5
Post by NoNamePerson on Aug 19, 2016 15:14:02 GMT -5
...:::"I am also not one of those females who say "fine" when they are mad. I don't understand what lying is supposed to accomplish.":::... I hate when DW won't talk. I frequently feel she is upset about something that could be resolved with 3 minutes of honest adult conversation. Sometimes I wonder about just going stone cold and when she says "fine", just saying "great!" in the happiest tone I can muster.You do, you die
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 19, 2016 15:21:16 GMT -5
Yes, but after a few times, it stops the bullshit.
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8 Bit WWBG
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hinting
Aug 19, 2016 15:24:11 GMT -5
Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Aug 19, 2016 15:24:11 GMT -5
That's the thing, isn't it. These "hints" are manipulation. If they don't work, they'll stop being used. But the user is counting on the target deciding that avoiding the fallout is worth whatever the manipulator is attempting to force.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 19, 2016 15:28:09 GMT -5
As an adult, you can avoid the fallout by removing yourself from the situation. And/or continue to play dumb and ignore the sighing and sulking. It isn't just women that pull this shit. Immature people do, too. Manipulating people do, too. Both are evil and it's a benefit to society in general to break them of the habit.
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8 Bit WWBG
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hinting
Aug 19, 2016 15:36:14 GMT -5
Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Aug 19, 2016 15:36:14 GMT -5
Well... the logic is sound, but "ignoring it" is a lot easier said than done. It's one thing when we are home and there are options to remove oneself. But when we are out and I just don't want to ruin the day, the choice is a lot harder. It's not that I "can't", but sometimes whatever stupid thing is in dispute is worth sacrificing just to not have to spend the next few hours trapped with the nonsense.
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zibazinski
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hinting
Aug 19, 2016 15:40:42 GMT -5
Post by zibazinski on Aug 19, 2016 15:40:42 GMT -5
I assume you have legs and/or access to a vehicle? Use them.
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zibazinski
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hinting
Aug 19, 2016 15:44:02 GMT -5
Post by zibazinski on Aug 19, 2016 15:44:02 GMT -5
Well... the logic is sound, but "ignoring it" is a lot easier said than done. It's one thing when we are home and there are options to remove oneself. But when we are out and I just don't want to ruin the day, the choice is a lot harder. It's not that I "can't", but sometimes whatever stupid thing is in dispute is worth sacrificing just to not have to spend the next few hours trapped with the nonsense. Well, that's perfect. Of course this is when shit gets pulled because of course, you're trapped. But you actually aren't, you just think you are. End the day. You have a headache, stomach ache, whatever. Or you can turn it around and pretend concern for her because it's obvious she isn't feeling well and up to the day's activities. You're only a victim if you allow it to happen.
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8 Bit WWBG
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hinting
Aug 25, 2016 20:44:28 GMT -5
Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Aug 25, 2016 20:44:28 GMT -5
...:::"Well, that's perfect. Of course this is when shit gets pulled because of course, you're trapped. But you actually aren't, you just think you are. ... You're only a victim if you allow it to happen.":::...
I do get what you are getting at. The idea is to take away the power of the shit. Don't let the tantrum ruin the day. Don't let the sulking stray you from the path. Logistically it may have other challenges, but the root goal remains the same.
I truly applaud anyone who has developed that "switch" that they can simply click off and stop caring. I mean it, I am envious. I've tried to develop it, but I still get bothered by nonsense.
Those of you who can, were you always that way? How do you do it? Is it a tolerance you build up kind of like to spicy food? Or is one of those things you either can do or can't do?
ETA: it's the same concept behind what I was quoted in post 49. The old "everything's fine" lie has zero power if it doesn't elicit the desired reaction.
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zibazinski
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hinting
Aug 25, 2016 20:56:28 GMT -5
Post by zibazinski on Aug 25, 2016 20:56:28 GMT -5
After awhile of putting up with shit like that, you finally say fuck it and let them stew. I'm not going to tell you it's easy to do. But you don't have kids yet, thank god, so she can't use them against you so you don't have to play nice in front of them. Those kind of people count on you being too nice to act like a shit in front of others. Or being intimidated by being in a house with a sulker. You could try being an adult and saying for her to stop this shit because you won't tolerate it anymore but it's a useless tactic. I did it twice and the third time it happened I just didn't come home that night. This was before cell phones so he was frantic. When I came home I told him if he ever did it again, I was gone for good. He never did it again. But it takes balls and you have to have the power in the relationship. I think he pulled that shit because he resented that I had the power. Too bad so sad. You need to get this shit under control or the rest of your life is going to be like this and once she has kids she can use against you, you're screwed. Plus, do you want a son or daughter thinking her or your behavior is normal? Think on that. She dishes it out and you take it. Way to lose a child's respect. It seems you've lost your wife's already or she wouldn't act this way.
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CCL
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Aug 25, 2016 21:29:00 GMT -5
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Post by CCL on Aug 25, 2016 21:29:00 GMT -5
I don't know, but I think some folks just don't have good communication skills, both talking and/or listening. Some people are very direct, yet others have no idea what they are saying. They hear what they want to hear, not the words that are actually said. I don't think it's always deliberate, sometimes just bad habits or inattention.
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zibazinski
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hinting
Aug 25, 2016 21:34:00 GMT -5
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 25, 2016 21:34:00 GMT -5
Well, then it's a wake up call that's badly needed. I think she'd rather find out that he's tired of her games now and to be an adult as opposed to him finding someone else who doesn't play games and decides he's had enough of hers.
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