hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Nov 30, 2016 16:57:46 GMT -5
Maybe I am unlucky enough to meet too many angry men. I will say the bitch took my money is not the thing I hear, just the one I happened to say here. They are just angry and bitter still, maybe the women I come across are resigned or have worked out their emotional anger. Even if it isn't about money they seem so angry still about what ever injustice had occurred to them. Male perspective...some of this may simply be that men are conditioned to hate their exes (or to say they do), oftentimes due to the reaction that not expressing that sentiment has on new women (i.e. men will typically try to jump anything with a pulse, if I say my ex is a crazy psycho then that sends a message I will not be talking to her. If I say she had some good qualities then we get the stink-eye from the current woman). It's a fine line though, you have to hate your ex, but you can't say derogatory things to the point the current woman thinks you're disrespectful to women.
Also, men are shallow, so good things about our exes are often things we really can't say to a current woman (I think my wife would be fine if I said an ex was a really good cook, she wouldn't be ok with me commenting on any body parts of an ex).
Women seem to have a lot more positive things to say about their exes that are non-physical...which makes it a lot easier to say things that won't make the current man upset. Also those nice things about guys...those are the things that friend-zone someone. No guy is worried his current gf is going to cheat with an ex she describes as a "nice guy".
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milee
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Post by milee on Nov 30, 2016 17:06:24 GMT -5
if I say my ex is a crazy psycho then that sends a message I will not be talking to her. If I say she had some good qualities then we get the stink-eye from the current woman). It's a fine line though, you have to hate your ex, but you can't say derogatory things to the point the current woman thinks you're disrespectful to women.
Hm. Probably at least in part because I'm older and would be looking at a relationship differently but I would not date anyone who would call their ex a crazy psycho or describe the ex in harsh terms. Similar to how I wouldn't hire a potential employee who badmouths their former boss. The bad things may be true, but one of the things I'd look for is the maturity to be gracious in describing others and also someone who is generally kind. Of course, if the person is a close friend over time they will share details and I might conclude on my own that the ex was a crazy psycho... Probably the other part of that is that I'm not a jealous person and don't need a spouse that pretends to never look at or talk to any other woman ever again. I think it's normal and human to notice other people; adults decide whether or not to act on what they see and I'd want to be with someone who made the decision to be faithful because he was an adult choosing that, not because he's pretending that I'm the most gorgeous woman on the planet and he didn't even notice other women were alive.
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daisy
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Post by daisy on Dec 1, 2016 13:45:24 GMT -5
She already has 1/3 of his pension (refused to work during marriage/almost bankrupted him/told him she absolutely wanted nothing from his in the divorce/grabbed the pension as soon as she could)
This is why I have a dislike of people. Ok its not the only reason but it seems we only want to hear what we want. I really hope that is not ALL my ex says about me. Absolutely no-one knows what exactly goes on a marriage and why it broke down. I have met a few men that absolutely just rake the ex's over the coals and it is just horrible. My ex was a generous, kind, giving man. I reliably don't trust anyone that has bad words to say about an ex. Remarkably thinking back the people I do know I like and respect those that are kind of word. You loved them at one point, you married them for a reason (or dated) they rarely turn into monsters just because. Nope - this has been verified by many other family members as well as HIS children. His ex was also seeing her 'new' husband before they divorced. I have seen the paperwork of their financials so I well know how she almost bankrupted them. He spent almost 25 years supporting her and their children while she puttered around seeing this other man and refusing to work, despite promising him that she would when their youngest went to school. Did he love her when they married? Of course he did...but when she broke promise after promise after promise to him - was he supposed to bury the anger and hatred? Nope, he didn't and it's taken me almost 6 years of marriage to convince him that I am NOT the same as she. I have no words of anger for my ex and we get along well because we understand the breakdown of our marriage was a matter of growing apart. My DH lived with lies and SPOKEN to him words of hatred - (she told their counselor that she hated him and that she was going to do what she wanted to do). She made no bones about despising him and HE was the one who fought for the marriage until he woke up one day and decided not to live the rest of his life with someone who hated him. His children cried tears of JOY when he made the decision to divorce her (their own words) because they couldn't understand why he put up with her. So not every ex who speaks ill of their previous spouse is being dramatic or cruel. Sometimes a duck really is a duck and unless you are privy to the actual circumstance of someone's divorce...it's best to not make a judgement of what that person has to say. Zib, I realize that this is not relevant to your relationship, but I could not let this go without making my DH's position clear.
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zibazinski
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Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 1, 2016 14:13:29 GMT -5
It's okay. I hate my ex as well. With good reasons.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Dec 1, 2016 14:34:14 GMT -5
I think that is because it is more likely than no that the man had to pay the woman (either thorugh support, alimony, his pension, etc). I have known many people that have gotten divorced and very rarely is it the woman paying the man. If I had to pay that asshole ex of mine I would be livid, too. I suspect you're right. I've known a fair number of women who've had to pay their ex husband and they're just as outraged as men are and talk about the ex in pretty much the same way men do. I have to pay CS monthly and I only grumble about X when he's done something assholish.
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MJ2.0
Senior Associate
Joined: Jul 24, 2014 10:27:09 GMT -5
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Post by MJ2.0 on Dec 1, 2016 14:36:12 GMT -5
if I say my ex is a crazy psycho then that sends a message I will not be talking to her. If I say she had some good qualities then we get the stink-eye from the current woman). It's a fine line though, you have to hate your ex, but you can't say derogatory things to the point the current woman thinks you're disrespectful to women.
Hm. Probably at least in part because I'm older and would be looking at a relationship differently but I would not date anyone who would call their ex a crazy psycho or describe the ex in harsh terms. Similar to how I wouldn't hire a potential employee who badmouths their former boss. The bad things may be true, but one of the things I'd look for is the maturity to be gracious in describing others and also someone who is generally kind. Of course, if the person is a close friend over time they will share details and I might conclude on my own that the ex was a crazy psycho... Probably the other part of that is that I'm not a jealous person and don't need a spouse that pretends to never look at or talk to any other woman ever again. I think it's normal and human to notice other people; adults decide whether or not to act on what they see and I'd want to be with someone who made the decision to be faithful because he was an adult choosing that, not because he's pretending that I'm the most gorgeous woman on the planet and he didn't even notice other women were alive. All this. I don't need to hear about how horrible your ex is/was - grow up and move the hell on.
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naughtybear
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Joined: Aug 10, 2016 17:03:08 GMT -5
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Post by naughtybear on Dec 1, 2016 19:00:25 GMT -5
I also do not want to hear it. Maybe I am a brighter future type of gal, or positivity rules but really it's an automatic red flag if they talk shit about the ex. Now I have listened to stories and not been SO judgemental but these are guys that I have got to know and I've asked them (just in general or just talking) when that happens, when it is invited talk they still are not as mean as those that bring it up really quick. It's just a NEXT.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 1, 2016 19:04:27 GMT -5
I don't discuss my ex with anyone. Most casual acquaintances just assume DH was my husband and he died. Both men and women. My real friends know the story and we don't discuss him. Ever. Thankfully my kids have zero to do with him so I don't have to hear about him
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