dannylion
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Post by dannylion on Feb 20, 2016 15:10:17 GMT -5
Wow. I guess I should apologize for teaching myself how to make clothes. It's not that hard. I learned from books. And I can make tailored suits and coats. Nice ones.
And it's not an "either/or" thing. I had a great career with what most people consider a high salary. And I still made most of my own clothes.
And no, my clothes don't look "homemade." Professional tailors who have seen my clothes have offered me jobs.
I'm sorry to have offended anyone.
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quince
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Post by quince on Feb 20, 2016 15:25:16 GMT -5
There is nothing wrong with being able to sew your own clothes- that is awesome! Custom tailored clothing for a fraction of the cost! Calling the ability survival skills that women should learn is a bit problematic.
I can sew buttons and hem things and patch and mend- those are basic skills people should learn, but not even remotely critical with the availability of inexpensive clothing, and even for pricier clothing minor tailoring isn't prohibitive. Hell, I can darn a sock, but I wouldn't waste my time on anything not hand-knit.
I can also knit socks without a pattern, sew more complicated things though not suits and ball gowns, spin yarn, crochet, and these are NOT basic skills that everyone should learn- they are not critical for survival unless the zombie apocalypse happens, pre-made clothing is inexpensive, and these hobbies are time consuming, and supplies can be pricier than pre-made goods because storefronts cater to hobbyists rather than people running businesses or trying to save money by making their own clothes.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Feb 20, 2016 15:52:03 GMT -5
...:::"Wow. I guess I should apologize for teaching myself how to make clothes. It's not that hard. I learned from books. And I can make tailored suits and coats. Nice ones.":::...
Did you have these skills in time to make a killer prom dress? Nobody is saying it can't be done, but it is unlikely that most people will be able to amass that kind of skill in such a short span of time.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Feb 20, 2016 15:57:13 GMT -5
Wow. I guess I should apologize for teaching myself how to make clothes. It's not that hard. I learned from books. And I can make tailored suits and coats. Nice ones.
And it's not an "either/or" thing. I had a great career with what most people consider a high salary. And I still made most of my own clothes.
And no, my clothes don't look "homemade." Professional tailors who have seen my clothes have offered me jobs.
I'm sorry to have offended anyone. how is making clothes a survival skill? I've absolutely never had the desire to even hem something, let alone make an outfit for myself. It is great if you can do it, enjoy doing it and don't care about the time you will need to invest in it. But don't pity those of us that would rather spend the money and buy clothes
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2016 16:10:33 GMT -5
I have zero sewing skills. I mean, even buttons are a stretch. I got the iron on sticky stuff to put the badges on my son's scout uniform rather than sewing them. I don't know if it's just because it's really fine motor or what, but I'm ridiculously awful and don't enjoy it either. My Mother and Aunt are quite good at it. My Aunt made the most unbelievably gorgeous wedding dress for my cousin. I can't imagine what something like that would have cost to just go out and buy. However, I'm pretty good at other things. I can patch a roof, fix appliances, repair fences...guy stuff. Come to think of it, I suck at cooking too...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2016 16:33:15 GMT -5
Wow. I guess I should apologize for teaching myself how to make clothes. It's not that hard. I learned from books. And I can make tailored suits and coats. Nice ones.
And it's not an "either/or" thing. I had a great career with what most people consider a high salary. And I still made most of my own clothes.
And no, my clothes don't look "homemade." Professional tailors who have seen my clothes have offered me jobs.
I'm sorry to have offended anyone. I used to make all my daughter's clothes when she was little including a couple of flower girl dresses. It is a nice skill to have. I've made most of the window coverings in my house, pillow covers, etc. However, it isn't a survival skill.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 20, 2016 18:11:07 GMT -5
My grandmother makes all her own clothes but there is a difference between sewing a shirt and a formal gown.
Some people don't have the skill to sew a formal gown. Some do but would need a lot of time to practice and tailor.
The offense doesn't come from knowing how to sew. It's offensive to say if you can't whip up a prom dress you apparently have no survival skills.
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Feb 20, 2016 20:11:52 GMT -5
I make DH pajama pants for xmas/bday presents sometimes. I also used to make formal dresses as a hobby when I was in high school. They came out ok, but not to the standard I would have expected for a prom dress. Fabric is hella expensive these days too (just flannel is $9 a yard; you can hit sales or find coupons but that takes some know-how you might not have at 17) and I would expect you'd need at least 3-4 yards for a formal gown, plus zippers, lining, any embellishments. Plus access to a sewing machine and learning how to use it (again, I have made formal gowns sewing by hand; I don't really recommend it). If you're not already frugally inclined the raw material could easily run $100 assuming someone will loan you a sewing machine, and the time investment probably means you're better off just getting a part time job. Of course, you could always order a knockoff from China! www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3450982/Frock-horror-Brides-share-laugh-loud-photographs-knock-wedding-dresses-look-like-gorgeous-gowns-saw-online.html
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Feb 21, 2016 0:40:03 GMT -5
So beergut have you guys talked? Has any progress been made on a joint budget? How is the prom thing going? No progress on joint budget. As far as prom goes, my contribution is still $0, so no worries on my end. I think they are going to rent the dress.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Feb 21, 2016 9:47:02 GMT -5
Did you guys even talk? I mean, is she just stonewalling? What does she say when you bring it up?
Glad to hear that renting the dress is now an option? What changed their minds?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 22, 2016 17:45:33 GMT -5
Glad to hear that renting the dress is now an option? What changed their minds? I suspect it was because it's a lot cheaper to rent a $500 dress, or even a $1K dress, than to buy one. My niece, one of the most glamorous women I know, uses Renttherunway a lot.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Feb 22, 2016 18:18:28 GMT -5
It actually makes sense for women to rent all formal wear. I know I don't like wearing the same gown twice!
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Feb 22, 2016 18:58:12 GMT -5
Did you guys even talk? I mean, is she just stonewalling? What does she say when you bring it up? Glad to hear that renting the dress is now an option? What changed their minds? Every time I bring up doing a joint budget/looking at her budget, she says, "she knows this is something we need to do", and then the subject is dropped. As for what changed her mind, probably the realization that I'm not going to contribute anything, and that the 17 YO isn't going to be able to pay for it herself.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 22, 2016 19:14:41 GMT -5
It actually makes sense for women to rent all formal wear. I know I don't like wearing the same gown twice! If I pay $500 for a dress, eeeeverybody needs to see me in it. That one night lol. I'd probably go everywhere I could think of that I'd be even remotely dressed appropriately..... that one night lol. I also don't like being all dressed up and feeling fancy and seeing someone else wearing the same thing I am.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 22, 2016 19:21:09 GMT -5
Did you guys even talk? I mean, is she just stonewalling? What does she say when you bring it up? Glad to hear that renting the dress is now an option? What changed their minds? Every time I bring up doing a joint budget/looking at her budget, she says, "she knows this is something we need to do", and then the subject is dropped. As for what changed her mind, probably the realization that I'm not going to contribute anything, and that the 17 YO isn't going to be able to pay for it herself. Great. Friday, 6 pm, kitchen table. Bring all your finances, I'll bring all mine. Afterwards we can get ice cream! (Or whatever works...)
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Feb 22, 2016 19:22:13 GMT -5
It actually makes sense for women to rent all formal wear. I know I don't like wearing the same gown twice! If I pay $500 for a dress, eeeeverybody needs to see me in it. That one night lol. I'd probably go everywhere I could think of that I'd be even remotely dressed appropriately..... that one night lol. I also don't like being all dressed up and feeling fancy and seeing someone else wearing the same thing I am. Work It, Girl!
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Feb 27, 2016 9:39:12 GMT -5
...:::"Every time I bring up doing a joint budget/looking at her budget, she says, "she knows this is something we need to do", and then the subject is dropped.":::...
I suppose it depends what you hope to get out of this too, as well as what she hopes to gain. In my case, DW will avoid or sabotage "talks" at all costs if she thinks she'll be worse off afterward. Are you looking to find an amount you can give so that you are an official contributor? Do you think if she sees it all on paper she'll make changes? What does she want out of this (besides more money?).
What would happen if you got the ball rolling? Every household is going to have certain categories: mortgage, utilities, food, entertainment, gas, insurance, phones, TV/internet... You should have pretty reasonable guesses as to what these items are. You also know what she makes so you should be able to make some guesses. Like oped said... "Hey babe, I know you are busy so I got the ball rolling. What do you think of these numbers? Did I miss anything?"
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Feb 27, 2016 15:39:15 GMT -5
I'm simply trying to lessen the times she has to come to me to ask for money for an 'emergency' that isn't an emergency, really something you can plan for, like car repairs.
When you're always broke two days before pay day, I'd think you'd get tired of it and eventually adjust your behavior, but that hasn't happened.
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Apple
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Post by Apple on Feb 27, 2016 15:57:53 GMT -5
I'm simply trying to lessen the times she has to come to me to ask for money for an 'emergency' that isn't an emergency, really something you can plan for, like car repairs. When you're always broke two days before pay day, I'd think you'd get tired of it and eventually adjust your behavior, but that hasn't happened.
If you care, and if you are 100% on your own for the short fall, you learn and adjust your behavior. If you just don't care, or if there is always someone there who will bail you out, or both, you don't learn because you never really have to deal with the consequences. The safety net (parents, gf/bf, spouse...) will always catch you. When you have no safety net, you are very careful not to make the mistake (or, you just do it for the thrill, or don't care). The consequences have to hurt more than being careful. And they have to hurt a hell of a lot more for some people.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2016 16:08:34 GMT -5
What motivation is there to change her behavior? Currently beer's help is tied to her needing bailed out. So, why wouldn't that be what happens? When the behavior is rewarded, why wouldn't it continue?
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Feb 28, 2016 12:33:44 GMT -5
...:::"When you're always broke two days before pay day, I'd think you'd get tired of it and eventually adjust your behavior, but that hasn't happened.":::...
She hasn't changed because she hasn't needed to. Asking you for money has a proven success rate, and is more reliable, easier, and far preferable to whatever change(s) she'd have to make. Now yes, teenagers are EXPENSIVE even with a $100k income. Sometimes stuff happens. At the same time, I am very wary of deals that have me giving a certainty in full up front, in exchange for an open possibility at an uncertain date. Those deals tend to be subject to revision once the other party has gotten what they want.
It seems clear you believe (and with good reason) that giving a flat contribution up front would not at ALL guarantee she still doesn't come to you if she needs extra. Money alone seldom solves money problems, so you aren't wrong to assume this.
Do you think if she stood to gain a guaranteed twice monthly contribution, she'd be open to being more transparent?
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Feb 29, 2016 1:13:35 GMT -5
Do you think if she stood to gain a guaranteed twice monthly contribution, she'd be open to being more transparent? I honestly don't think she has a budget, so even if I gave her a set amount twice a month, it isn't going to magically make her create a budget and watch her spending. Bio-dad gives her a check for child support once a week. The other day, I suggested she take some of that money and give each of the three kids $10 a day, or $150 total for all three each week. With two of them driving, they are constantly asking for money for gas or money for food, or to go out with their friends, etc. I figure the 'allowance' will do two things: It will force them to learn to save for things they want (fingers crossed), and it will stop their requests for money for everyday expenses that they consider 'needs'. For GF, it will free her from spending money (that I don't think she tracks at all) on things the kids claim they 'need' and constantly ask for. If they need gas, they have $10 for it that day. If they want to buy something to eat after school, they have $10 for it. If they don't spend any money today, they'll have $20 tomorrow. GF said she is amenable to it, although she said she thinks giving them a smaller amount than $10 a day is preferable. We'll see if it happens.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Feb 29, 2016 7:24:58 GMT -5
Bet she's giving them more than $10 a day now if she actually tracked. I get it teenagers are expensive. I'm sure she feels guilty so she gives money. But to have no idea where the money goes I couldn't do that. Then again I'd also be mortified to go to my father as an adult for every day expenses.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 29, 2016 7:26:07 GMT -5
Do you think if she stood to gain a guaranteed twice monthly contribution, she'd be open to being more transparent? I honestly don't think she has a budget, so even if I gave her a set amount twice a month, it isn't going to magically make her create a budget and watch her spending. Bio-dad gives her a check for child support once a week. The other day, I suggested she take some of that money and give each of the three kids $10 a day, or $150 total for all three each week. With two of them driving, they are constantly asking for money for gas or money for food, or to go out with their friends, etc. I figure the 'allowance' will do two things: It will force them to learn to save for things they want (fingers crossed), and it will stop their requests for money for everyday expenses that they consider 'needs'. For GF, it will free her from spending money (that I don't think she tracks at all) on things the kids claim they 'need' and constantly ask for. If they need gas, they have $10 for it that day. If they want to buy something to eat after school, they have $10 for it. If they don't spend any money today, they'll have $20 tomorrow. GF said she is amenable to it, although she said she thinks giving them a smaller amount than $10 a day is preferable. We'll see if it happens. It's a great theory. Hope the reality works.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Feb 29, 2016 14:35:20 GMT -5
At $10 per day x 365 days, that equals $3,650 per year per kid. That's a LOT more than MANY kids get from the 'rents each year.
That's the equivalent (before taxes) of each kid working 10 hours per week at a minimum wage ($7 per hour) job.
It actually comes out to more in their pockets because they don't lose a portion of it to payroll taxes.
If the average teen can't live on (spending money) $10 per day, there is something seriously wrong with their priorities. I can see where this might not be enough if they are completely responsible for all their clothing, all their car expenses including insurance and all of their school expenses, but it is CERTAINLY enough daily funny money. At this daily rate, these are privileged kids!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 29, 2016 15:04:51 GMT -5
At $10 per day x 365 days, that equals $3,650 per year per kid. That's a LOT more than MANY kids get from the 'rents each year.
That's the equivalent (before taxes) of each kid working 10 hours per week at a minimum wage ($7 per hour) job.
It actually comes out to more in their pockets because they don't lose a portion of it to payroll taxes.
If the average teen can't live on (spending money) $10 per day, there is something seriously wrong with their priorities. I can see where this might not be enough if they are completely responsible for all their clothing, all their car expenses including insurance and all of their school expenses, but it is CERTAINLY enough daily funny money. At this daily rate, these are privileged kids!
I think it was $50 a week per kid
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Mar 3, 2016 20:28:16 GMT -5
Making kids take responsibility to think long term is never a bad thing. The key of course is that if they blow all their money for the week, they are forced to "do without" (in a first world sense anyway).
Sounds like a good lesson all around.
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Mar 4, 2016 5:06:41 GMT -5
Ok, GF says she wants to start the $50 a week plan next week
She doesn't want to do $10 a day, she says it won't teach them to save and budget, she wants to give them $50 each on Monday, and see how long they can make it last.
She wants to give them registers, so they can track what they are spending money on. I told her if they actually do use the registers and track their spending, I will put it into a spreadsheet every week, and we can keep track week by week.
We'll see if they actually keep track of what they spend.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Mar 4, 2016 7:03:55 GMT -5
So now you have taken to trying to control what the kids do with their money? You are not their father. You don't get a say in what they do or don't do. The fact that she's even entertaining this idea with you is insanity. It's her job to teach her kids how to be functioning adults, not yours.
You need to focus on getting your stuff together with her as others have suggested and figuring out an equitable money split per month and then stay out of it. The only person you get to control is yourself.
If you want to lessen the number of times she comes to you for money, tell her she gets an agreed upon amount per month and then that's it.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Mar 4, 2016 7:09:10 GMT -5
This has to at least be partially made up. No woman with an ounce of self respect would let you control her like that or be ok with depending on a man to take care of her. Nor would any mother with any kind of parenting sense let you control how she raises her children. Either she is a very broken individual and I would be wondering if there were some kind of abuse that we don't know about either in her past or present or you're making at least some of it up.
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