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Post by Deleted on Mar 3, 2016 10:12:34 GMT -5
And video games are probably one of his routine comfort behaviors. I'd guess, obviously with no real interaction can't put much stock in it that the coming transition has been instrumental in current issues. Change and unknown, and handling the not easily expressed or understood emotions surrounding them, have likely been driving behaviors. Understanding his nature can help you anticipate and mitigate, which it sound like you are doing with visits and shadowing! But again, that's why understanding tendencies is important... They can help you help him, both to mitigate current situations and to learn self coping strategies for the future.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 3, 2016 10:23:00 GMT -5
I wish homework could be a routine comfort behavior. There are only 3 older grandchildren than him in this family, and my worry is he's taking after the one that's now almost 30. We've all been comparing these two boys for a long time because my son seems to be a clone of him in every way. I really don't want that to be his future. Despite being very smart, he never went on to further his education after high school, he's unemployed half the time, and he's a video game addict that spends a lot of time drinking and getting high. I'm sure he could possibly be quite happy with his life, but he just seems "stuck" to me.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 3, 2016 10:35:57 GMT -5
Ok. You will hate me a little bit, and again, I'm not living your life you are... But If school and other things are situations he needs 'recovery time' from... That might not change easily.
I've had the argument with my family about cousin's kid. 'backward' is their favorite descriptor. But they note that my son was always 'backward' when he was little too, but now is very outgoing, etc. But cousin Kid doesn't seem to be 'outgrowing it'. I suggest cousins kid too might benefit from not going to school and they don't understand why pulling him out of 'socialization' would improve his socialization... Not understanding that I think it was removing my son from all the forced, non authentic, have to interact, hour upon hour, from which he would have spent the rest of his time in 'recovery mode' and instead allowing him to pick and choose where and when to focus his interactions was so much better for him as he developed.
I'm glad he's looking at different options for high school. This could help. Just on a lark, ask him to imagine what his ideal learning situation might look like and see what he says...
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Post by Deleted on Mar 3, 2016 10:53:06 GMT -5
Well, if I pulled him out of school I'm pretty sure I know where he'd focus all his attention. Clash of Clans, Minecraft, Skyrim... I am SO not cut out for homeschooling even if I could be home. I'm not very patient for one thing and very particular how things are done. I also tend to focus on the bad and ignore the good which I'm pretty sure isn't a good quality for a teacher.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 3, 2016 11:03:21 GMT -5
Cyber? Apprenticeships? Or maybe one of the schools will be a good fit, I'd just say stay open. Think about lots of options. Ask him his ideas. Patience is overrated up there on the list of homeschooling myths, that patience. Although learning to separate what is really necessary to the goal from what is not IS beneficial
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Mar 3, 2016 11:16:50 GMT -5
Did you hear about the woman in Texas who's likely to hit their education board? Mary Lou Bruner. Holy Mary Mother of God, yeah, let's get someone who thinks Obama was drug using prostitute in charge of text books...
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Post by Deleted on Mar 3, 2016 11:27:00 GMT -5
I just put in a request to the MN Connections Academy to send the info on the Cyber high school. His Dad might be a hard sell though.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Mar 3, 2016 11:39:58 GMT -5
My son has ADD/ADHD and OCD. The one that really drives me up a wall is the OCD. His symptoms are not what has been mentioned here. Most of what it is is silent really. He just won't do or say something. I know that in his mind he is running through something until he can say or do whatever. As a parent it is maddening to be asking a simple question and either not get any answer or to get an answer that has NOTHING to do with the question. It can go something like this. Me Did you eat dinner? Son We didn't have band today Me But did you have dinner? Son there was a gym thing so no band today Me That's nice but I need to know if you ate dinner? Son The bus was late this morning Me But did you eat dinner?!?!? It normally goes on 6 or 7 more times until I am a ravening lunatic screaming 'BUT DID YOU EAT DINNER " It is not that he isn't good at communicating with people he just isn't on the same page as the rest of us most of the time. And on mornings where I have places to be and he can't interrupt himself enough to put his darn shoes on and eat breakfast it is beyond maddening. I know none of this helps but it hopefully will show people that OCD isn't about counting how many times you knock on a door type of thing. And if left alone all day on a computer my son would totally spend it all on Youtube watching people play video games.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2016 11:05:44 GMT -5
Cyber? Apprenticeships? Or maybe one of the schools will be a good fit, I'd just say stay open. Think about lots of options. Ask him his ideas. Patience is overrated up there on the list of homeschooling myths, that patience. Although learning to separate what is really necessary to the goal from what is not IS beneficial I asked him about the cyber school and he surprisingly showed little interest. I really thought he'd be all over it. Instead he said, "But I'd miss my friends, that's the only thing that makes school bearable". When I gave him this blank look in response, he said, "yeah, I know Mom, I'm a bundle of contradictions". Yes. You. Are.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Mar 4, 2016 12:38:20 GMT -5
Cyber? Apprenticeships? Or maybe one of the schools will be a good fit, I'd just say stay open. Think about lots of options. Ask him his ideas. Patience is overrated up there on the list of homeschooling myths, that patience. Although learning to separate what is really necessary to the goal from what is not IS beneficial I asked him about the cyber school and he surprisingly showed little interest. I really thought he'd be all over it. Instead he said, "But I'd miss my friends, that's the only thing that makes school bearable". When I gave him this blank look in response, he said, "yeah, I know Mom, I'm a bundle of contradictions". Yes. You. Are. I almost choked on my water. I should really know not to drink and read around here.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2016 10:49:25 GMT -5
Well, I'm going to have a heck of a time convincing DS to go to the private school now. He had a shadow day at the public high school and loved it. We had orientation at the private school in the evening and he'd pretty much already had made up his mind so wasn't very receptive to anything there although he did say he'd still do the shadow day there on the 29th. I could always pull the parent card and just tell him that's where he's going, but I'm sure that would backfire horribly. I wish I would have moved him for 7th grade. I guess I should be happy he's excited about it, but it makes me nervous to send him there. I'm afraid he's just going to fall between the cracks at such a large school.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2016 10:53:16 GMT -5
Or maybe he'll find his place. Small schools are nice if they work for you, but it doesn't always offer a lot of options. I've always been a fan of the 'intimacy of large parties'...
And it's not like you are set in stone forever. Try it. If it doesn't work, change it.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2016 11:20:24 GMT -5
There are more opportunities at the public. I'm just worried he'll be part of the 20% that doesn't graduate or fall in with the wrong crowd. It's like you CAN get a great education at the public, but you HAVE to get a great one at the private. They have a 100% graduation rate and 99% go on to college. They have higher ACT scores and every graduate gets a 4 year scholarship. Blah. No good if DS doesn't want to go though. He'll trash that 100% rate.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2016 11:38:27 GMT -5
I am happy to see him excited about anything school related though. He loved the band. He plays trombone and there were 12 of them. At his school he's the only one now. He also said he went to a 10th grade challenge algebra class and actually understood what they were talking about. He said "they were covering things you taught me last Summer!" (I'm such a fun Summer Mom. Do math!)
He even said he liked English class. He was shocked because he's hated English the past two years. Well...I think that has a bit to do with the fact that your English teacher the past two years is incredibly dull and acts depressed all the time. She's young, but seems completely burnt out on teaching middle school already.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 9, 2016 11:53:57 GMT -5
He doesn't seem to be doing all that well in the small social environment of the current school he is in. I don't know if I would want to put him in a small pond again.
A large public school would give him more opportunities to find his niche. I did AWFUL in middle school due to be surrounded by the same people I'd known since kindergarten. If they weren't my friends before they were not going to be my friends in middle school.
High school is where I found my niche. I joined drama/speech where I got to hang out with people who didn't know me yet and hadn't already formed an opinion of me. Drama/speech is pretty much the ONLY good memory of I have of high school and I carry a lot of the skills I learned with me to this day.
FWIW my high school class had the highest drop out rate in 20 years (go team!) yet plenty of us still managed to go onto college and have careers. A lot of the people who dropped out had given up A LONG time ago but you couldn't drop out in our district until you were 18. If your son isn't the type to want to drop out now I highly doubt he will become one just because he's attending a large high school.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2016 12:15:49 GMT -5
He doesn't seem to be doing all that well in the small social environment of the current school he is in. I don't know if I would want to put him in a small pond again. This is what I threw at his Dad last night. I'm starting to warm up to the idea of him going to the public, but I don't think his Dad is happy about it at all. He works for the company whose CEO bought the college campus to move this high school into 20 years ago. A lot of the bigwigs there are huge benefactors to the school including paying half of all the students tuition bill. It's kind of a good ol' boys club where the higher ups there all send their kids to this school. We've been planning on it for a long, long time. I think I even have about a $600 SCRIP card balance for tuition from years of accumulation. I WISH my kid could be like the kids we know that are there (highly motivated and involved in all kinds of activities), but he's not. He's knows a lot of kids from the school through Scouts, but they're not the greatest of friends. More like, they tolerate each other. He thinks a lot of them are condescending but I think it's more that they're less tolerant of his annoying behaviors. They act a lot more mature.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 9, 2016 12:46:24 GMT -5
Yeah if the kids that go there already think of him as annoying, the odds of him being able to change that impression are pretty slim. They aren't going to want him in their social circles outside of Scouts. Is your son even planning to go into/move in the circles these kids are being groomed for? My guess is the private school is more of a training ground to get into the right circles. If you aren't in the right circles already you're not going to be able to butt you way in just b/c you go to the same school. Besides if he is average it might be better to go to a larger school. There will be a lot more people less than average underneath him so he'll look better by comparison when it comes to applying for scholarships and stuff. ETA: I just realized that sounded bad. Point was there won't be as much competition for those things if he goes to a larger school vs a very small school where everyone is equally qualified.
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Mar 9, 2016 13:07:09 GMT -5
He doesn't seem to be doing all that well in the small social environment of the current school he is in. I don't know if I would want to put him in a small pond again. I WISH my kid could be like the kids we know that are there (highly motivated and involved in all kinds of activities), but he's not. He's knows a lot of kids from the school through Scouts, but they're not the greatest of friends. More like, they tolerate each other. He thinks a lot of them are condescending but I think it's more that they're less tolerant of his annoying behaviors. They act a lot more mature. But, your kid IS motivated and involved... he plays the trombone because he likes to, he's very active with Scouts (and seems to be a do-er - helping with Cub scouts! versus solely a 'follower' who's just along for the ride) and he excercises (swims) because HE gets personal something out of it (versus for the competition). Those are some mighty fine qualities for a kid to have. I think a bigger social environment isn't such a bad thing for your son.... especially if he navigates it and winds up hanging with the "good kids" even if he doesn't form deep intimate friendships with them
Have you thought about defining what "friends" and "friendship" means? Maybe, it's the definition and expectation that's the problem. You can have a friend that you enjoy doing stuff with/work well together/have the same goals - without having a deep, intimate friendship. It's good to have those kinds of friends. Sometimes you don't automatically have a friend (or group of friends) that you make that deep, intimate friend connection with in grade school... sometimes it happens in HS, sometimes it happens in College, sometimes it doesn't happen until you find the person you want to marry.
Not everyone has dozens of friends with whom they have deep intimate relationships. Sometimes, it's a matter of having a one or two BFFs, but then being able to navigate thru various social groups by having 'cordial' relationships with lots of individuals.
Maybe your kid's 'friend' situation is 'good enough' for now?
The generic you here: not every day can be the Best Day of Your Life! Nor can every day be on the cutting edge of "experiencing life", not every interaction with someone you know must be at the "Best Friend For Life" level. Not achieving those things on a daily basis doesn't 'cheapen' one's life or mean 'failure' of some sort.
Isn't part of Grade School/HS/college about learning HOW to find out where you 'belong' - if you don't discover that perfect place during the process?
Just an observation....
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Mar 9, 2016 13:10:19 GMT -5
Yeah if the kids that go there already think of him as annoying, the odds of him being able to change that impression are pretty slim. They aren't going to want him in their social circles outside of Scouts. Is your son even planning to go into/move in the circles these kids are being groomed for? My guess is the private school is more of a training ground to get into the right circles. If you aren't in the right circles already you're not going to be able to butt you way in just b/c you go to the same school. Besides if he is average it might be better to go to a larger school. There will be a lot more people less than average underneath him so he'll look better by comparison when it comes to applying for scholarships and stuff. ETA: I just realized that sounded bad. Point was there won't be as much competition for those things if he goes to a larger school vs a very small school where everyone is equally qualified. yes, sometimes with having to be "perfect" or "the best"-- means more pressure. Having more 'average' people around - means it's easier to 'relax' and take the time to become good/better a the stuff you are interested in and already have some skills at... thus becoming better than "just average" or atleast becoming very competent at being 'average' which isn't such a bad thing in the Big Picture.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2016 15:19:20 GMT -5
But, your kid IS motivated and involved... he plays the trombone because he likes to, he's very active with Scouts (and seems to be a do-er - helping with Cub scouts! versus solely a 'follower' who's just along for the ride) and he excercises (swims) because HE gets personal something out of it (versus for the competition). Those are some mighty fine qualities for a kid to have. I think a bigger social environment isn't such a bad thing for your son.... especially if he navigates it and winds up hanging with the "good kids" even if he doesn't form deep intimate friendships with them
Technically, he has to do all those things. School requires an instrument or choir and he hates to sing, so trombone it is, but he never brings it home to practice. I made him join swimming because he needed exercise. Scouts he enjoys, but he gets pressured to advance from his troop and at home (Grandpa is big into scouting), so that's why he was Den Chief. He needed to have 6 months in a leadership position for his rank advancement. He WANTS to advance and is happy when he does, but without a lot of "encouragement" he wouldn't on his own. But, he doesn't really have the makings to be a trouble maker either. His Dad brings up how he's afraid he'll fall in with the 'bad" crowd. But, that's hard for me to envision ever really happening with him. He's lazy with his work, but he tends to be the one policing his peers more than anything...which doesn't gain him a lot of friend points.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 9, 2016 15:35:02 GMT -5
You ca fall in with a bad crowd at a fancy private school too. Just because they appear on the surface to be high achieving doesn't mean there aren't some skeletons in the closet.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2016 15:45:52 GMT -5
You ca fall in with a bad crowd at a fancy private school too. Just because they appear on the surface to be high achieving doesn't mean there aren't some skeletons in the closet. Oh for sure! A while back one of the big wigs daughters who went to school there severely injured two people when she was drunk and broadsided them at an uncontrolled intersection going about 60 in a 30 then left the scene. Apparently there was a big party with a lot of kids from the school. I remember a lot of public outcry when she was basically let go with nothing but probation, then less than a year later got another DUI when a senior.
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lexxy703
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Post by lexxy703 on Mar 9, 2016 15:49:26 GMT -5
You ca fall in with a bad crowd at a fancy private school too. Just because they appear on the surface to be high achieving doesn't mean there aren't some skeletons in the closet. They have plenty of money to spend on booze & drugs too. And cars to take them to all the parties.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2016 15:53:39 GMT -5
I do like a lot of things about the school though. They do go to whatever lengths it takes for each individual child and it is so much like a family. I know a lot of the kids there (through Scouts) and have talked to them about the school and they have such a strong feeling about the place that's hard to set aside. Most kids aren't that proud of their school (at least I wasn't! ) I also noticed while on a tour that none of the lockers have locks. I asked one of the kids and he said everyone trusts each other and there isn't a theft problem. The person giving the tour said the school encourages students lock up their stuff, but none of them do. The first few pages of their handbook are all about helping students reach their potential. The first few pages of the public school one are the attendance/discipline policy. Just a different feel.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 9, 2016 16:46:08 GMT -5
The problem is though you've said the kids don't particularly like your son in Scouts. He's not going to become a part of the "family" just because he attends the same school.
It would certainly be great if that did happen, my concern is they already consider your son the loud obnoxious one. Their crowds are going to go along with their opinion.
It's a lot harder to erase a negative image in a small community. In a larger school he still may annoy people but there is no way he could be SO annoying as to isolate himself entirely. He'll find his crowd eventually.
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on Mar 9, 2016 20:48:14 GMT -5
My DS now 23 never had any friends in high school. He was involved in lots of activities and was in Boy Scouts. He went to small private school 40 kids per grade. He never went out or had other kids come over. I think he was liked by other kids but never was friends with them. It all changed when he went away to college. He joined a church group and went places on weekends and school breaks. By end of first semester he had a girlfriend who is now his fiancé. So he is going to marry the only girl he ever dated.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2016 21:18:16 GMT -5
The problem is though you've said the kids don't particularly like your son in Scouts. He's not going to become a part of the "family" just because he attends the same school. It would certainly be great if that did happen, my concern is they already consider your son the loud obnoxious one. Their crowds are going to go along with their opinion. It's a lot harder to erase a negative image in a small community. In a larger school he still may annoy people but there is no way he could be SO annoying as to isolate himself entirely. He'll find his crowd eventually. I don't know that they actually dislike him. I mean when we got to the orientation I heard a lot of "Hey Sam!" They're polite and friendly to him, but it's not like he's getting invited to anything either. Their interests are different. They're all in sports most of them multiple ones. My son loathes sports...and is awkward socially to boot.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Mar 10, 2016 8:03:28 GMT -5
My son is very smart. Like crazy smart but he has issues. If left to his own devices he would sink to the bottom of the pack quickly and just hang out playing video games all the time. He doesn't get invited to friends houses much either but I am not sure if he really isn't or just doesn't say yes when people say can you come over.
I sincerely believe that in any school he would be socially awkward. Changing schools wouldn't change that. He also is about as annoying a kid as I have ever met. If left to his own devices he would make noises every minute of every day except when he is asleep. Being smart and nice doesn't make it not annoying as hell. The very fact that someone hasn't pushed him head first into a locker telling him to shut up, to me, is proof that they are all pretty nice and actually like him. But he does need to learn to shut up. Eventually he will graduate from HS and get a real job. No one is going to care about his issues. They are going to tell him to cut it out and do his job or be fired.
I don't want him going to a school whee he can keep from dealing with all his issues in. He needs to learn to control some of it and do the work. No way would I let him just sink to the bottom because it is easier.
And people there are drugs everywhere!!! No school is drug free.
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Post by Shooby on Mar 10, 2016 8:37:40 GMT -5
Some kids are very content. Some kids dont' need to join a lot of things or have a lot stimulation. DD doesnt' particularly care to have friends over on the weekend. I used to worry about that but she said she seems them all week in school and she likes her weekends to read books, play the piano and her and I are cooking buddies. It kind of worried me but she is an A student, plays in the band and sports, etc. i think as parents we are just inclined to worry. And, inadvertantly we put pressure on our kids on how we think they SHOULD be rather than how they are. I have 3 kids who all have 3 different personaliities. Some kids aren't social butterflies and that is ok. If they are doing fine in school and seem happy at home, then i think a lot of the issues are ones we tend to imagine.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 10, 2016 8:47:11 GMT -5
I don't really care if he's a social butterfly outside of school, l certainly never was, but I do want him to feel comfortable and accepted at school too and not like an outcast.
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