MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Dec 20, 2015 9:44:00 GMT -5
I don't understand why you even brought it up to her. It's not your car, payment, or business. Do you look for issues ? If we make it to my timetable for marriage, she would still have roughly three years of payments after the wedding. I'd rather she not have a car note when we get married. She has told me before she hates having a car note, so I'm trying to eliminate this as quickly as possible. I'm also trying to tackle this together, instead of asking how 'she' is going to do it (which, if that was the case, no, it wouldn't be any of my business), trying to attack it as a partnership working toward a goal. Currently, I have more invested in the car than she does, so it is my business. Can you elaborate on both points (marriage timetable and how you have more invested in this than she does)? Did you answer as to why you want to pay the car off faster? Please tell me you have told her some version of what you're telling us here. If not, I'd remedy that right now - that would probably go a long way toward resolving some of these issues.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Dec 20, 2015 9:46:47 GMT -5
Never mind - I see others said sort of what I said already. Also, if you don't really want to marry her, that's okay.... but age needs to know that.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Dec 20, 2015 9:47:07 GMT -5
*she
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Dec 20, 2015 9:49:06 GMT -5
Before I go through what I'm sure is going to address relationship issues and not just cars, I'll chime in on the original topic and hope it is still relevant on page 9!
My philosophy in general is that I'll spend big money on something I get a lot of utility out of, but expect to keep for a long time as well. Buying something nice hopefully keeps me happy with it longer. My first car was brand new fully loaded, but a brand that lasted me 11 years without any major issues. DW isn't as big on cars as I am, so she was fine with that (it was hardly a hoopdie, but 11 years of advancements like smart keys and bluetooth everything made it look dated). I still want my performance luxury car, but time will tell how that one pans out.
I think we need a category in between shameful selfish wants, and basic needs of life. If the girlfriend has to drive the 17 year old everywhere, then I kind of get where she is coming from. Sure, kids used to walk 5 miles barefoot uphill both ways fighting off unfriendly pterodactyls and bandits just to get water from the well to take a bath. There are probably workarounds that can be used, but there has to be a happy medium.
How about we call it a nweed?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 20, 2015 9:52:36 GMT -5
My stern, no-nonsense 9th grade English teacher told us that we should always ask "why". She seemed pretty serious about us taking that to heart and I obviously never forgot it. I don't see it as a big deal that your GF asked you that. Imo it's a valid question. It was your opportunity to explain your reasons. She may or may not have agreed with them. She may have even been able to give you good reasons why she thought it would be better to do something different. If nothing else, it might have sparked a conversation that could have helped you understand each other's views on money a little better. Interesting. I was taught in 9th grade on that you should always ask 'why?', about everything. Not necessarily to other people, but always to yourself. The goal was to teach us how to think, not what to think. So, she should question herself... Just never you? She should just assume if you say it, it's best? I'm so confused by your ideas on partnership... Am I understanding right that this financial train wreck has no credit cards and no debt beyond her mortgage?
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Dec 20, 2015 9:53:42 GMT -5
I can't decide if beergut is a really nice guy why is feeling taken advantage of, or a controlling asshat.
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milee
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Post by milee on Dec 20, 2015 9:56:54 GMT -5
Am I understanding right that this financial train wreck has no credit cards and no debt beyond her mortgage? If she has a conventional mortgage, she'll have credit history and her monthly payments would be shown on that history - credit freeze or not.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 20, 2015 9:57:07 GMT -5
My stern, no-nonsense 9th grade English teacher told us that we should always ask "why". She seemed pretty serious about us taking that to heart and I obviously never forgot it. I don't see it as a big deal that your GF asked you that. Imo it's a valid question. It was your opportunity to explain your reasons. She may or may not have agreed with them. She may have even been able to give you good reasons why she thought it would be better to do something different. If nothing else, it might have sparked a conversation that could have helped you understand each other's views on money a little better. Interesting. I was taught in 9th grade on that you should always ask 'why?', about everything. Not necessarily to other people, but always to yourself. The goal was to teach us how to think, not what to think. Yeah, and when you ask other people why they say or do a particular thing, sometimes you learn something new, sometimes you learn more about that person and how they think. I don't think your GF has a clue how you think about the money thing or about her and money.
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milee
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Post by milee on Dec 20, 2015 10:02:09 GMT -5
So, yesterday I said, "We need to put a plan together so we can get the car paid off early." Her response: "Why?" I don't even... If her response was a flat "No" then it would be reasonable to bang your head against the wall in frustration or even think the cause is hopeless because a no would indicate she's unwilling to discuss or solve issues. But "why" is a very good question here and shows she's willing to discuss issues, which is the first step to solving them.
A large part of the issues you're having is caused by the fact that you're not problem solving together. Your answer to her "why" might be the start of some of the joint problem solving you need to be successful. You could both learn what the other is thinking, what is important to the other person and a little more about how the joint finances are - and could - work.
Paying off a car loan early isn't a no brainer. There are legitimate reasons for not paying it off. Simply because you want to pay it off and think that it's best does not mean it's such an obvious and non-negotiable thing that there is no need for discussion.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Dec 20, 2015 10:06:38 GMT -5
So, yesterday I said, "We need to put a plan together so we can get the car paid off early." Her response: "Why?" I don't even... If her response was a flat "No" then it would be reasonable to bang your head against the wall in frustration or even think the cause is hopeless because a no would indicate she's unwilling to discuss or solve issues. But "why" is a very good question here and shows she's willing to discuss issues, which is the first step to solving them.
A large part of the issues you're having is caused by the fact that you're not problem solving together. Your answer to her "why" might be the start of some of the joint problem solving you need to be successful. You could both learn what the other is thinking, what is important to the other person and a little more about how the joint finances are - and could - work.
Paying off a car loan early isn't a no brainer. There are legitimate reasons for not paying it off. Simply because you want to pay it off and think that it's best does not mean it's such an obvious and non-negotiable thing that there is no need for discussion.
Amen.
"Why" is usually a good place to start with a discussion.
Beergut, I really think the both of you need some help learning how to communicate with each other. I don't know who is right and who is wrong, and it really doesn't matter. If you have chosen each other for life, you really should learn each other's language.
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Post by mojothehelpermonkey on Dec 20, 2015 10:12:12 GMT -5
Is anyone else secretly hoping that she finds this thread in his browser history and starts posting her side?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 20, 2015 10:15:20 GMT -5
I can't decide if beergut is a really nice guy why is feeling taken advantage of, or a controlling asshat.
I've been trying to give beergut the benefit of the doubt on all these threads. I did find it interesting that he addressed my comment by basically saying I misunderstood my 9th grade English teacher. No comment about my explanation of how answering her "why" question might have possibly helped them start to move forward with the issues he's having with the financial part of their relationship. Understanding where your partner is coming from helps a person that likes to think for themself decide whether or not to go along with what their partner is suggesting. Only a person that doesn't want to think for themself would just say ok to every idea their partner presents to them. It's her money too, it's reasonable to ask why he thought they needed a plan to pay the car off early. But what do I know, I'm neither married or in a long-term relationship. Maybe I want to know "why" too often.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Dec 20, 2015 10:17:35 GMT -5
I can't decide if beergut is a really nice guy why is feeling taken advantage of, or a controlling asshat.
I've been trying to give beergut the benefit of the doubt on all these threads. I did find it interesting that he addressed my comment by basically saying I misunderstood my 9th grade English teacher. No comment about my explanation of how answering her "why" question might have possibly helped them start to move forward with the issues he's having with the financial part of their relationship. Understanding where your partner is coming from helps a person that likes to think for themself decide whether or not to go along with what their partner is suggesting. Only a person that doesn't want to think for themself would just say ok to every idea their partner presents to them. It's her money too, it's reasonable to ask why he thought they needed a plan to pay the car off early. But what do I know, I'm neither married or in a long-term relationship. Maybe I want to know "why" too often. I saw that too. I'm married and have been for 12 years.
A "why" question between DH and me is usually met with an explanation.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 20, 2015 10:21:22 GMT -5
Sounds like you are financially incompatible with your gf.
I headed down that long and treacherous road with my first wife thinking I could educate and change her financial philosophy. I thought the problem was she had never been exposed to a world without late payments, credit card debt and buying stupid crap when there was no money in the checking account. I was wrong, she was the way she was and I was not going to change it. Any attempt to try was met with resistance and contempt and eventually a divorce. Some people are hard wired to financially shoot themselves and others in the foot.
Lesson learned, I vowed to never get into a relationship again unless that person was on the same page financially. I found that person and have been happy ever since.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Dec 20, 2015 10:29:06 GMT -5
Yes! Otherwise there would be nothing to bragplaint about. You know where you can shove that 'bragplaint' crap. Then stop complaining about something that is totally fixable and fix it already.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 20, 2015 10:30:01 GMT -5
I can't decide if beergut is a really nice guy why is feeling taken advantage of, or a controlling asshat.
I've been trying to give beergut the benefit of the doubt on all these threads. I did find it interesting that he addressed my comment by basically saying I misunderstood my 9th grade English teacher. That question was answered for me when he skewered me for a simple grammar error a few months back and then pretty much demanded to know why I made it. My brother does the same thing.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Dec 20, 2015 10:56:12 GMT -5
Is anyone else secretly hoping that she finds this thread in his browser history and starts posting her side? That would be wonderful! I bet we would get a completely opposite story.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 20, 2015 10:57:15 GMT -5
That question was answered for me when he skewered me for a simple grammar error a few months back and then pretty much demanded to know why I made it. My brother does the same thing. he wanted to know why you made a grammar error? Yup
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Dec 21, 2015 1:22:37 GMT -5
I can't decide if beergut is a really nice guy why is feeling taken advantage of, or a controlling asshat.
I've been trying to give beergut the benefit of the doubt on all these threads. I did find it interesting that he addressed my comment by basically saying I misunderstood my 9th grade English teacher. No comment about my explanation of how answering her "why" question might have possibly helped them start to move forward with the issues he's having with the financial part of their relationship. Understanding where your partner is coming from helps a person that likes to think for themself decide whether or not to go along with what their partner is suggesting. Only a person that doesn't want to think for themself would just say ok to every idea their partner presents to them. It's her money too, it's reasonable to ask why he thought they needed a plan to pay the car off early. But what do I know, I'm neither married or in a long-term relationship. Maybe I want to know "why" too often. I had to go back and re-read my reply to you, because my first reaction was that I did no such thing, i.e. saying you misunderstood your teacher. So, yeah, I misread your original reply to me, and thought you said your 9th grade teacher said you should never ask why, not always ask why. Yeah, my bad. I'm sorry. I agree with your 9th grade teacher.
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Dec 21, 2015 1:25:09 GMT -5
Did you in fact answer her "why"? What did you say? What was her response? Yes. "Because if you pay this note out to term, you will get killed with this interest rate." "Okay." It turns out she hasn't pored through all of the paperwork she signed, while I have already read through it. I think she is more worried about getting everything ready for Christmas, and more immediate needs today, than thinking about next month. In her mind, she needed a car, she got a car, move on to the next task.
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Dec 21, 2015 1:28:42 GMT -5
I've been trying to give beergut the benefit of the doubt on all these threads. I did find it interesting that he addressed my comment by basically saying I misunderstood my 9th grade English teacher. That question was answered for me when he skewered me for a simple grammar error a few months back and then pretty much demanded to know why I made it. My brother does the same thing. Can you link this thread?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2015 7:52:32 GMT -5
That question was answered for me when he skewered me for a simple grammar error a few months back and then pretty much demanded to know why I made it. My brother does the same thing. Can you link this thread? ymam.proboards.com/thread/44602/any-yall-locksmith
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Dec 21, 2015 8:38:59 GMT -5
I missed this and went and read the thread and see what you are referring to. Just wow.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Dec 21, 2015 8:40:42 GMT -5
I can't decide if beergut is a really nice guy why is feeling taken advantage of, or a controlling asshat.
Go read the linked thread and take all of his other threads into consideration. I think you'll see it's the latter.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 21, 2015 8:49:39 GMT -5
DH and I totally disagreed on many subjects. Especially how to handle money and inheritances. He didn't try to control what I did with my money or even try to change my mind. I only suggested things to him but said it was his choice. Some he followed, like giving the kids a check at Christmas instead of gifts they didn't want. Some he might have followed eventually but died before implementing. So be it. He didn't agree with my philosophy of giving money to kids when they need it, like now, as opposed to in their fifties when they should be self supporting. It didn't make either of us wrong. We didn't agree on abortion either. Thing is, we didn't make it a hill to die on. We loved each other enough to to let some shit go. Maturity will teach some people that. I'm a much different person than I was and when I listen to my kids and the things they fuss about, it reminds me that I was once just like that. Every molehill was a mountain.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 21, 2015 8:57:00 GMT -5
MYbe you ought to think a different way. This lovely woman took you in and gave you a home and a family. Are they perfect? Nope. But I'm doubting you are either. Don't know your age but I'm thinking you're not that young either. So you've been out looking for a long time with no results. Maybe you have an inflated view of what a catch you are. Most men do I find. Even if they are 5's they think they deserve a 10. Smart men figure out that a 6 is good enough and they're lucky to get that.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Dec 21, 2015 10:56:14 GMT -5
Did you in fact answer her "why"? What did you say? What was her response? Yes. "Because if you pay this note out to term, you will get killed with this interest rate." "Okay." It turns out she hasn't pored through all of the paperwork she signed, while I have already read through it. I think she is more worried about getting everything ready for Christmas, and more immediate needs today, than thinking about next month. In her mind, she needed a car, she got a car, move on to the next task. To be fair she has 3 kids at home. While mine are at lot younger, it is a matter of finding time to sit and read everything uninterrupted and sometimes it just doesn't happen. I'm lucky right now if I can sit and read a Christmas Card uninterrupted. Last week, DH and I were trying to decide if he should go the ER and we couldn't complete the conversation without the kids asking for us.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Dec 21, 2015 11:05:47 GMT -5
Yes. "Because if you pay this note out to term, you will get killed with this interest rate." "Okay." It turns out she hasn't pored through all of the paperwork she signed, while I have already read through it. I think she is more worried about getting everything ready for Christmas, and more immediate needs today, than thinking about next month. In her mind, she needed a car, she got a car, move on to the next task. To be fair she has 3 kids at home. While mine are at lot younger, it is a matter of finding time to sit and read everything uninterrupted and sometimes it just doesn't happen. I'm lucky right now if I can sit and read a Christmas Card uninterrupted. Last week, DH and I were trying to decide if he should go the ER and we couldn't complete the conversation without the kids asking for us. I was thinking the exact same thing. I was wondering about the balance of responsibilities in the household..and old habits from his girlfriend...
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 21, 2015 11:09:13 GMT -5
I did everything myself for years. It was nice but very hard to get used to having another adult to bounce things off of. Another thing I miss about DH. But DH was a full partner to me in every sense of the word even before we were married. He always treated me with respect.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Dec 21, 2015 11:48:30 GMT -5
Absolutely! This is perfectly put. No one really understands what being a single parent is like until they live it.
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