Any of y'all have a different viewpoint than your SO on how

[Chocolate Lover]

Dec 17, 2015 15:39:32 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Dec 17, 2015 15:35:45 GMT -5 Chocolate Lover said:

How is that relevant? Their own father is way different from a guy mom met and brought into their life. 

So there was a "loophole" I missed in that statement.

Ok! Got it!

Not much of a "loophole". If you have kids with someone the kids have no say in their parents. If you're single and have kids then they should at least be taken into consideration when you're thinking about moving someone in.

[andi9899]

Dec 17, 2015 16:02:51 GMT -5 oped said:

Am I the only one who didn't realize there was a son? I must have missed it before when daughters were mentioned? Or wasn't he mentioned? 

No. I didn't either. I guess she has 4 total. I thought it was just the 15 & 17 yo girls.

[justme]

He was briefly mentioned in the vacation thread. I think part of the reasoning of the vacation was the boy wasn't going to camp like the girls.

[mojothehelpermonkey]

Dec 17, 2015 16:02:51 GMT -5 oped said:

Am I the only one who didn't realize there was a son? I must have missed it before when daughters were mentioned? Or wasn't he mentioned? 

This makes me wonder if the son is overlooked in other ways too. I think I have been in a situation similar to this misfit teenager. OP, if you love your GF, please get couples counseling soon.

[Deleted]

Dec 17, 2015 14:12:50 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

Have any of you guys considered the fact that his GF doesn't want him to pay a set amount.

My guess is she is making out much better this way.  Single guys can live extremely on a cheap if they want to.  A single mother with 3 teenagers  - not so much.

You are all hammering him that he is not contributing enough, but my guess is that GF is VERY happy with the arrangement, bc she ultimately has access to unlimited funds vs a set amount each month

For the record. I've always encouraged Beergut to consider contributing a set amount to the household, but I never said he wasn't contributing "enough" money now. Imo, if she keeps coming up short, it might be helpful to know exactly what beergut will be contributing every month so she can plan better. It's not so much the amount that's the problem for me, it's that he pays for the grocery bill (that tripled after he moved in I believe) and random stuff that pops up and there's no structure. I know that if it were me, I'd rather he contribute in a way that I can count on being able to pay for the utilities without having to ask him for some money every other month. But that's just me, I like order and knowing what to expect.

But you're right that the girlfriend may like the current arrangement and have no desire to change it.

[Deleted]

I talk about my daughter a lot more than I talk about my son. Doesn't mean I love him any less or I ignore him. She's just more in-your-face and has more o.m.g. kinds of things going on more often than he does.

I'm willing to give beer the benefit of the doubt.

[beergut]

 
 The 13 yr old has issues trusting men, especially male authority figures. He has had issues handling male coaches in youth sports for this reason. He says he wants to go out for freshmen football next season, we'll see what he actually decides when Summer 2016 rolls around. 

The reasons for his trust issues has to do with some abuse he suffered when he was 3-4 years old, I believe it was. I won't get into details, but from what I understand, it was severe psychological abuse, basically a grown man trying to control a toddler, and then bullying him. GF told me some details, and I explained to her that if I met the guy in person, I would beat him with a baseball bat on general principle. 

The situation with what happened to him is one of the reasons she coddles him so much, she is trying to make up for what she sees as her failings during that time in his life. He still sleeps with his lights on, not sure if that is do to earlier issues or is a maturity thing.

He's not a bad kid, not a discipline issue or anything like that. He basically spends every waking moment of his free time playing video games. Unfortunately, I'm not into video games, so we can't bond over that. 

[beergut]

Dec 17, 2015 19:12:08 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

I talk about my daughter a lot more than I talk about my son. Doesn't mean I love him any less or I ignore him. She's just more in-your-face and has more o.m.g. kinds of things going on more often than he does.

I'm willing to give beer the benefit of the doubt.

Exactly!!!

Yeah, the two teenage girls tend to be a little more dramatic and noticeable than a teenage boy, so I often talk about them more. 

[honeysalt]

My partner and I have wildly different approaches to cars.  I buy used, pay cash, and drive to the ground.  DH's financed car cost 15x my car's current value.  This is not a problem for us at all.  He respects my frugality, and I am happy that he has one area where he enjoys spending money.  He is responsible financially and gets a lot of pleasure from his fancy ride.  We don't really have similar spending goals for any category, but we have similar ideas about savings and discretionary income, so we don't have to look at it very closely.  In other words OP, this is about the car, but it's not about the car. 

Lest I paint my marriage as idyllic, we have argued plenty of times recently about division of labor in our household.  He thinks I should do everything, or at least that he should do nothing.  I disagree. 

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Dec 17, 2015 12:46:16 GMT -5 beergut said:

Dec 16, 2015 17:37:17 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

Are you unwilling to contribute financially to the household in a more traditional way? Meaning you pay a set portion of the household expenses. The 2 of you sit down and add up how much it costs to run the household on a monthly basis (and I think groceries should be indluded, with an amount) and decide together how much of that total you will contribute. Then she's responsible for her own personal expenses and you're responsible for yours. Things that you both agree you want, you figure out together how those things will be paid for, neither of you continue to assume that you will pay for all the fun stuff.

In my mind, that's how teams operate, they come up with a plan. Plans can be tweaked as you go along, but having a plan is better than just muddling along getting nowhere. From the way you've described the situation in these threads, contributing in a more traditional way (and setting a limit on the groceries) should free up some of her money that goes to the basic expenses. She how she does with the money that's freed up. I would think she'd be in a better position to spend the $1k on the car, pay the vet bills, blah blah blah.

Does she even want to change how she handles money? She might think she's doing just fine, while you're waiting on her to do better. The 2 of you can either come up with a plan and try to make it work or keep doing the same shit on different days until one of you has had enough.

You know what helps when you have a conversation on how much it costs to run a household?   Seeing a budget. I've been after GF for months now to show me her budget. I keep getting excuses as to how it is on a computer at work. I suspect she doesn't have a budget written down, because having one would mean she'd have to admit she's living on the edge financially. 

I'm not sure she wants to change how she handles money. She laments how 'emergencies' always come up, but then does nothing to change her behavior that got her into the jam in the first place. 

Not everyone has a set budget written down.  I never did.  I knew exactly what came in, and what went out.  I spent about 70% of my income, saved 30%.

I keep getting the feeling that you feel your way is the only way, with no meeting in the middle. Since you don't communicate with her in any meaningful way, this likely breeds resentment on both your parts.  

That at being said, I moved into someone else's house too, but we DID have a discussion about finances.  It is his house, I have absolutely no claim on it, so we made sure that the $$ I contribute do not pay for the house.  I am ok with that.  I buy the groceries, which proportionally to my income is my living contribution.  But both of us live way under our income, and while I know his finances, and he mine, we only have one joint account.

[beergut]

So, yesterday I said, "We need to put a plan together so we can get the car paid off early."

Her response: "Why?"

I don't even...

[Lizard Queen]

Why indeed? Is it a high interest rate? I don't remember if you had said.

[giramomma]

Ok. It's pretty clear she's not willing to change, get it, etc.

You have three choices.

1) Do nothing and end up here complaining once every 3-4 months...

2) Make peace/accept her attitude towards finances and decide that no one is absolutely perfect and love her for how you think she's awesome..because this summer you thought that..

3) Decide this a deal breaker and move on.

You've been together for what, two years now? That seems to be long enough for you to figure out if you can do this relationship or not..I would decide quickly, you know, for the sake of the kids.....or at least before you are expected to buy a car for the youngest...

[justme]

But MOOOOOMMM she won't do what I say! Make her do what I say!!!!

[Deleted]

Dec 19, 2015 19:12:05 GMT -5 beergut said:

So, yesterday I said, "We need to put a plan together so we can get the car paid off early."

Her response: "Why?"

I don't even...

My stern, no-nonsense 9th grade English teacher told us that we should always ask "why". She seemed pretty serious about us taking that to heart and I obviously never forgot it.

I don't see it as a big deal that your GF asked you that. Imo it's a valid question. It was your opportunity to explain your reasons. She may or may not have agreed with them. She may have even been able to give you good reasons why she thought it would be better to do something different. If nothing else, it might have sparked a conversation that could have helped you understand each other's views on money a little better.

[zibazinski]

I don't understand why you even brought it up to her. It's not your car, payment, or business. Do you look for issues ?

[andi9899]

Dec 19, 2015 19:12:05 GMT -5 beergut said:

So, yesterday I said, "We need to put a plan together so we can get the car paid off early."

Her response: "Why?"

I don't even...

Why not say "Let's figure out a bill split that makes sense and get our financial situation together. Here is the total monthly expenses, I think my percentage should be ___%, what do you think?" Either make some kind of effort to fix the situation or quit bitching.

[andi9899]

Dec 20, 2015 0:08:36 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

I don't understand why you even brought it up to her. It's not your car, payment, or business. Do you look for issues ?

Yes! Otherwise there would be nothing to bragplaint about.

[Deleted]

Our viewpoint is...there is no viewpoint. Our money, our cars. DH cannot safely drive anymore so it's a moot point anyway. Although, when I looked for a new car, I wanted something that would be easier for DH to be able to get in and out of. He didn't want to go car shopping with me so when I bought the CR-V and brought it home, he immediately had issues because it's a bit higher up than we anticipated. Too bad, so sad. We bought a stool for the bad days but most of the time he's able to get in. If it becomes necessary, I am probably going to talk to a couple of his cousins who do body work and see if we can come up with something.
We will need a full-on conversion van eventually but it may not be a for long while. If it's sooner, well then, I'll talk to the cousins and see what they recommend we do.

It would have been nice if his mother had gone demented sooner rather than later, then we could have bought her car from her as it was actually the perfect height. Damn it all!!!

[beergut]

Dec 19, 2015 19:17:38 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

Why indeed? Is it a high interest rate? I don't remember if you had said.

Um, yes.

Remember that part where I said her credit history was frozen, so she has no recent history, so they try to give you the highest interest rate? They didn't give her the highest rate, but they didn't give her a decent rate, either. 

[beergut]

Dec 19, 2015 21:18:20 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

Dec 19, 2015 19:12:05 GMT -5 beergut said:

So, yesterday I said, "We need to put a plan together so we can get the car paid off early."

Her response: "Why?"

I don't even...

My stern, no-nonsense 9th grade English teacher told us that we should always ask "why". She seemed pretty serious about us taking that to heart and I obviously never forgot it.

I don't see it as a big deal that your GF asked you that. Imo it's a valid question. It was your opportunity to explain your reasons. She may or may not have agreed with them. She may have even been able to give you good reasons why she thought it would be better to do something different. If nothing else, it might have sparked a conversation that could have helped you understand each other's views on money a little better.

Interesting. I was taught in 9th grade on that you should always ask 'why?', about everything. Not necessarily to other people, but always to yourself. The goal was to teach us how to think, not what to think. 

[beergut]

Dec 20, 2015 0:08:36 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

I don't understand why you even brought it up to her. It's not your car, payment, or business. Do you look for issues ?

If we make it to my timetable for marriage, she would still have roughly three years of payments after the wedding. I'd rather she not have a car note when we get married. She has told me before she hates having a car note, so I'm trying to eliminate this as quickly as possible. 

I'm also trying to tackle this together, instead of asking how 'she' is going to do it (which, if that was the case, no, it wouldn't be any of my business), trying to attack it as a partnership working toward a goal. 

Currently, I have more invested in the car than she does, so it is my business.

[beergut]

Dec 20, 2015 3:12:19 GMT -5 @empressspunkles said:

Our viewpoint is...there is no viewpoint. Our money, our cars. DH cannot safely drive anymore so it's a moot point anyway. Although, when I looked for a new car, I wanted something that would be easier for DH to be able to get in and out of. He didn't want to go car shopping with me so when I bought the CR-V and brought it home, he immediately had issues because it's a bit higher up than we anticipated. Too bad, so sad. We bought a stool for the bad days but most of the time he's able to get in. If it becomes necessary, I am probably going to talk to a couple of his cousins who do body work and see if we can come up with something.
We will need a full-on conversion van eventually but it may not be a for long while. If it's sooner, well then, I'll talk to the cousins and see what they recommend we do.

It would have been nice if his mother had gone demented sooner rather than later, then we could have bought her car from her as it was actually the perfect height. Damn it all!!!

   JFC, that's cold.

[beergut]

Dec 20, 2015 2:03:10 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Dec 20, 2015 0:08:36 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

I don't understand why you even brought it up to her. It's not your car, payment, or business. Do you look for issues ?

Yes! Otherwise there would be nothing to bragplaint about.

You know where you can shove that 'bragplaint' crap.

[Deleted]

Dec 17, 2015 15:55:00 GMT -5 @tbird said:

Dec 17, 2015 15:05:35 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

I don't necessarily agree with this. People don't like other people for a whole myriad of reasons and not all of them are based in rationality or truth. He could not like beergut because he doesn't want to share his mom or he likes being the only man in her life. Is that a legitimate reason to not date someone you care about?

This isn't dating - it is having someone move into the family home and be there every morning, and every evening.

It is forcing the child to be in a family unit with that person.

And - I really don't think whether the couple is married or not makes any difference on the kid's experience of their life at home.

years ago, DD asked me to promise that she would never have to live with a step father, that I would wait until she moved out, based on all the problems friends were having with step fathers. I was happy to give her that promise.

My stepfather was, and is, the one positive male role model in my life.  The only guy that has ever stuck around for the long haul and the only person that has supported me through whatever came along.   My Mom could have skipped the two prior boyfriends, especially the second one which was a complete asshole that hated me, but my life and the lives of my sons is so much richer due to the guy that calls us his own.  I really think I would have gone off the rails as a teen without him. 

[zibazinski]

I see. So you made the down payment on the car and are making the payments? Well, then, that does change things.

[midjd]

Dec 20, 2015 5:47:03 GMT -5 beergut said:

Dec 20, 2015 0:08:36 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

I don't understand why you even brought it up to her. It's not your car, payment, or business. Do you look for issues ?

If we make it to my timetable for marriage, she would still have roughly three years of payments after the wedding. I'd rather she not have a car note when we get married. She has told me before she hates having a car note, so I'm trying to eliminate this as quickly as possible. 

I'm also trying to tackle this together, instead of asking how 'she' is going to do it (which, if that was the case, no, it wouldn't be any of my business), trying to attack it as a partnership working toward a goal. 

Currently, I have more invested in the car than she does, so it is my business.

Sooo....why didn't you respond "because I won't marry you til this (and your other) financial shit is together"? Perfect opportunity.

[taz157]

Dec 20, 2015 5:30:43 GMT -5 beergut said:

Dec 19, 2015 19:17:38 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

Why indeed? Is it a high interest rate? I don't remember if you had said.

Um, yes.

Remember that part where I said her credit history was frozen, so she has no recent history, so they try to give you the highest interest rate? They didn't give her the highest rate, but they didn't give her a decent rate, either. 

How long has her credit history been frozen? Has it been over 10 years? Didn't she have any activity before it frozen that would still show up? When did she last use credit cards? Even though DH and I pay off ours every month, they still show as timely paid on his and mine credit reports. Why can't she temporarily un-freeze it to get a store credit card at a store she frequents to build up credit (and also pay off immediately after charging something)?

[Lizard Queen]

Doesn't paying the mortgage contribute to her credit history?

[Deleted]

What is the actual interest rate?

You aren't trying to do this together by telling her what she should do, especially when also not explaining why you think she should do it...

I agree, perfect missed oppirtunity to let her know finances are tied up with ultimate marriage for you.