beergut
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Post by beergut on Dec 17, 2015 13:59:31 GMT -5
Silly question...what if he never accepts you? Then we don't get married. Would you want to be a step-parent to a child that doesn't accept you?
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Dec 17, 2015 14:02:27 GMT -5
I personally wouldn't call you a worthless freeloader. I would also not be inclined to call her a financial trainwreck based on your posts, as you seem to desire us to do. Then you're getting the wrong impression from my posts, because I don't 'desire' you to call my GF anything. I think you are being as financially unrealistic and irresponsible as she might be... I think that you are setting her up for failure and conditioning in her the very behavior you purport to despise. I think you are dishonest in how you judge her regarding finances.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2015 14:03:38 GMT -5
Should have bet THAT would be the point you chose to respond to...
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obelisk
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Post by obelisk on Dec 17, 2015 14:04:11 GMT -5
You are going to be even more resentful in two years when the now 13 year old "needs" a car from you. Especially when he resents you. You are never going to get ahead with a momma's boy. Just resentful civility at best.
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Dec 17, 2015 14:04:36 GMT -5
So she thinks you're not getting married because of her son? Why haven't you told her the real reason?If/when the 13 yo snaps out of his rebellious phase and gives you the blessing before the budgeting issues have been resolved, you're going to say...? I know blended families can be very tough to handle (I have 2 whole siblings, 2 half siblings, and 2 step siblings). But putting responsibility for the marriage delay on her son when the real reason you don't want to marry her is something else entirely (and something she actually has control over, unlike her son's feelings) seems very unfair, both to her and her son. Because her son is the reason for the delay. When we had this conversation roughly a year and a half ago, I had not discovered how deep her financial issues were.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Dec 17, 2015 14:11:20 GMT -5
Silly question...what if he never accepts you? Then we don't get married. Would you want to be a step-parent to a child that doesn't accept you? You live there. You're already doing it.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Dec 17, 2015 14:12:50 GMT -5
Have any of you guys considered the fact that his GF doesn't want him to pay a set amount.
My guess is she is making out much better this way. Single guys can live extremely on a cheap if they want to. A single mother with 3 teenagers - not so much.
You are all hammering him that he is not contributing enough, but my guess is that GF is VERY happy with the arrangement, bc she ultimately has access to unlimited funds vs a set amount each month
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Dec 17, 2015 14:17:24 GMT -5
Have any of you guys considered the fact that his GF doesn't want him to pay a set amount. My guess is she is making out much better this way. Single guys can live extremely on a cheap if they want to. A single mother with 3 teenagers - not so much. You are all hammering him that he is not contributing enough, but my guess is that GF is VERY happy with the arrangement, bc she ultimately has access to unlimited funds vs a set amount each month That's a good point. Also, regardless of who benefits the most, they are both living more comfortably than they would on their own.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Dec 17, 2015 14:20:27 GMT -5
Why say sorry when your intentions was to be harsh? Just own it!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2015 14:21:17 GMT -5
Have any of you guys considered the fact that his GF doesn't want him to pay a set amount. My guess is she is making out much better this way. Single guys can live extremely on a cheap if they want to. A single mother with 3 teenagers - not so much. You are all hammering him that he is not contributing enough, but my guess is that GF is VERY happy with the arrangement, bc she ultimately has access to unlimited funds vs a set amount each month
Actually. I think this might be exactly right. Thus why some of us keep harping on the fact that, rather than give her a real opportunity to budget and learn financial awareness, he is instead CONDITIONING her to be EXACTLY how he says he does not want her to be.
He can keep doing what he is doing. He just can't keep saying that he wants her to change. This set up if anything ENCOURAGES her to act in ways he says he doesn't want her to act.
So, I have to say that, ultimately, I don't think he actually wants to marry her. And I think he's being unfair in not letting her know that now.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Dec 17, 2015 14:23:21 GMT -5
Have any of you guys considered the fact that his GF doesn't want him to pay a set amount. My guess is she is making out much better this way. Single guys can live extremely on a cheap if they want to. A single mother with 3 teenagers - not so much. You are all hammering him that he is not contributing enough, but my guess is that GF is VERY happy with the arrangement, bc she ultimately has access to unlimited funds vs a set amount each month Yes, I considered it. I can see why it would appeal to her. As I've mentioned a couple times already, regardless of the relative amounts, the arrangement is not helping the GF learn to manage money better.
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Dec 17, 2015 14:25:23 GMT -5
Silly question...what if he never accepts you? Then we don't get married. Would you want to be a step-parent to a child that doesn't accept you? Keep in mind that there are many children (both minors and adults) who accept their step-parent only to change their tune later on. I've seen it numerous times with my friends (who are both step-parents and step-children). So the 13 year old may come to accept you in a year, but then five years from now hate you. And to be honest, you are living like a married a couple. You live in the house, and I assume you share a bedroom with your GF, and you pay for goodies and help parent your GF's children to some degree. If you were waiting until the son accepts you, why didn't you wait to move until that process was complete?
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Dec 17, 2015 14:25:42 GMT -5
How does she even know he wants her to change? She thinks he's not marrying her because her son is against it. She has only to ask him to pay for something and he gives her the debit card. Sure he might make comments about overspending here and there, but if his actions are clear and predictable, words tend to be ignored.
I think those of us reading this thread may be more informed of his thought process on the marriage/financial issues than his GF. That is a problem.
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Dec 17, 2015 14:31:07 GMT -5
How does she even know he wants her to change? She thinks he's not marrying her because her son is against it. She has only to ask him to pay for something and he gives her the debit card. Sure he might make comments about overspending here and there, but if his actions are clear and predictable, words tend to be ignored. I think those of us reading this thread may be more informed of his thought process on the marriage/financial issues than his GF. That is a problem. To me this is all about communication the lack of it. Beergut has expectations that he doesn't clearly communicate. The GF has expectations she doesn't communicate. That sort of lack of communication tends to breed resentment and unhappiness.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Dec 17, 2015 14:33:20 GMT -5
Dude easy:
- determine how much it would cost you to live on your own - increase it by 25% - cut her a check for that amount each month or transfer it to her account.
Problem solved.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Dec 17, 2015 14:44:02 GMT -5
I'm not sure why beer isn't willing to try something different - the considered general opinion of the YM is that beer should be paying a set amount towards things like rent/utilities, etc. to reflect the full spectrum of the living arrangements rather than this paying for food, and then whenever needed. Beer, you say that you have "no need to get married" but I'm wondering if maybe that is you really don't want to, or afraid, etc. and the reason you won't try splitting the bills is because it isn't working out in the current scenario, and you don't really want it to work out because if things went smoothly, then it'd be time to advance to the next level - ie put a ring on it.Because - if you really don't care about it, AND - you're getting a prenup, there isn't any reason to "wait it out". You're having a prenup. If this really is a great woman you'd like to spend life with, and a prenup is already agreed to, this isn't a deal breaker. I really can't imagine a more depressing, humiliating situation than the one your gf is in now. She want to have a marriage, and you'll marry her when "she's good enough" and then you keep finding (or making sure?) that she isn't good enough. if you want her in your life, and you truly value this relationship, this situation needs to change. Sooner or later, she's going come to the conclusions that a lot of us here seem to have - that the problem isn't her, its you. I can save you the psychoanalysis. We've had multiple conversations about getting married, even going so far as to have discussions as to what the wedding would be like, where we would have it, etc. The 13 year old is a boy, her only boy, and he is her baby. Living with two older sisters and his mother, he has been spoiled and coddled. He was 11 when I first started dating his mother. While the two girls have accepted me, he's been a little slower to accept me. No problem with that, I'm patient. The only problem is that he is 13, and 13 yr olds can be a pain in the ass, and he is one most of the time. I explained to GF that I wanted to wait for him to accept me (and for him to mature a little) before I sign on to be his step-father. She is fine with this. The subject of her financial issues WRT our getting married has never come up. Shouldn't you have waited for him to accept you before moving in? And more than that,why would she allow you to move in without all of her children accepting you. As a mother, I find it pretty inconsiderate to him. And believe me, I in no way coddle my kids. My sister coddl especially her and it pisses me right on off. But he should at least be accepting of you before either of you decides to move the other in.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Dec 17, 2015 14:53:53 GMT -5
So she thinks you're not getting married because of her son? Why haven't you told her the real reason? If/when the 13 yo snaps out of his rebellious phase and gives you the blessing before the budgeting issues have been resolved, you're going to say...? I know blended families can be very tough to handle (I have 2 whole siblings, 2 half siblings, and 2 step siblings). But putting responsibility for the marriage delay on her son when the real reason you don't want to marry her is something else entirely (and something she actually has control over, unlike her son's feelings) seems very unfair, both to her and her son. And, let point out the elephant in the room. What kind of mother wants to marry a man her son doesn't accept? Not saying that the kids should be able to tell her what to do, but if he kid didn't even like you, she shouldn't have you around IMO. But maybe I'm odd in this thinking.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Dec 17, 2015 14:54:36 GMT -5
Then we don't get married. Would you want to be a step-parent to a child that doesn't accept you? Keep in mind that there are many children (both minors and adults) who accept their step-parent only to change their tune later on. I've seen it numerous times with my friends (who are both step-parents and step-children). So the 13 year old may come to accept you in a year, but then five years from now hate you. And to be honest, you are living like a married a couple. You live in the house, and I assume you share a bedroom with your GF, and you pay for goodies and help parent your GF's children to some degree. If you were waiting until the son accepts you, why didn't you wait to move until that process was complete?Good point as well. My assumption is that in reality, this has nothing to do with the son. It's just another expectation the GF is supposed to meet, like the financial ones. None of them are really possible; they are just out there to be used when needed as reasons for not moving forward and leaving things status quo.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Dec 17, 2015 14:58:23 GMT -5
Have any of you guys considered the fact that his GF doesn't want him to pay a set amount. My guess is she is making out much better this way. Single guys can live extremely on a cheap if they want to. A single mother with 3 teenagers - not so much. You are all hammering him that he is not contributing enough, but my guess is that GF is VERY happy with the arrangement, bc she ultimately has access to unlimited funds vs a set amount each month Of course the GF doesn't want him to pay a set amount. She's pretty happy with the way things are. He is not. But instead of doing something about it and being straight with her, he complains. If you don't like something, change it. Also, at some point you have to realize that she doesn't want to change and either leave or stop complaining and deal with it.
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flamingo
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Post by flamingo on Dec 17, 2015 15:05:05 GMT -5
To me this is all about communication the lack of it. Beergut has expectations that he doesn't clearly communicate. The GF has expectations she doesn't communicate. That sort of lack of communication tends to breed resentment and unhappiness. I guess I don't get it why it's so hard to communicate what you want. It's important to you that she budget her money. Tell her that. Explain to her WHY it's important to you. Does it give you anxiety not to know where your money is going each month? Does it cause you sleepless nights? Does it give you ulcers? When my DH wants me to do something that is against my normal, I always ask "Why?". He's learned that "just because I think it should be done that way" doesn't cut it. But if he says "because I get super anxious and stressed out when the dishes are left in the sink over night" or whatever his issue of the moment is, I respond much better. I sometimes tell him that I think it's weird, but hey, he can feel however he wants and I will do my best to help ease his anxiety. Because we are team and we don't function well when one of us isn't happy/stressed/pissed/whatever. We function a bit like you seem to be functioning. And by that I mean, we both feel resentful and hurt that the other doesn't magically read our minds and understand our side of things. And that resent builds and then we fight/argue more. So just communicate. Tell her what it's really about. That you don't want to marry her until you guys can get on the same page financially. Who knows, she might respond well to that and you guys can have a real grown up conversation about your different money styles and how to handle things.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Dec 17, 2015 15:05:35 GMT -5
So she thinks you're not getting married because of her son? Why haven't you told her the real reason? If/when the 13 yo snaps out of his rebellious phase and gives you the blessing before the budgeting issues have been resolved, you're going to say...? I know blended families can be very tough to handle (I have 2 whole siblings, 2 half siblings, and 2 step siblings). But putting responsibility for the marriage delay on her son when the real reason you don't want to marry her is something else entirely (and something she actually has control over, unlike her son's feelings) seems very unfair, both to her and her son. And, let point out the elephant in the room. What kind of mother wants to marry a man her son doesn't accept? Not saying that the kids should be able to tell her what to do, but if he kid didn't even like you, she shouldn't have you around IMO. But maybe I'm odd in this thinking. I don't necessarily agree with this. People don't like other people for a whole myriad of reasons and not all of them are based in rationality or truth. He could not like beergut because he doesn't want to share his mom or he likes being the only man in her life. Is that a legitimate reason to not date someone you care about?
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Dec 17, 2015 15:07:21 GMT -5
So she thinks you're not getting married because of her son? Why haven't you told her the real reason? If/when the 13 yo snaps out of his rebellious phase and gives you the blessing before the budgeting issues have been resolved, you're going to say...? I know blended families can be very tough to handle (I have 2 whole siblings, 2 half siblings, and 2 step siblings). But putting responsibility for the marriage delay on her son when the real reason you don't want to marry her is something else entirely (and something she actually has control over, unlike her son's feelings) seems very unfair, both to her and her son. And, let point out the elephant in the room. What kind of mother wants to marry a man her son doesn't accept? Not saying that the kids should be able to tell her what to do, but if he kid didn't even like you, she shouldn't have you around IMO. But maybe I'm odd in this thinking. I both agree and disagree. I think it depends on whether the dislike is justifiable (treats mom badly, treats bio kids better than stepkids, etc.) or just because the kid would dislike anyone who wasn't his dad. It sounds like this is the latter situation, so the amount of time this opinion should be catered to by the mother is limited IMO.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Dec 17, 2015 15:18:31 GMT -5
And, let point out the elephant in the room. What kind of mother wants to marry a man her son doesn't accept? Not saying that the kids should be able to tell her what to do, but if he kid didn't even like you, she shouldn't have you around IMO. But maybe I'm odd in this thinking. I don't necessarily agree with this. People don't like other people for a whole myriad of reasons and not all of them are based in rationality or truth. He could not like beergut because he doesn't want to share his mom or he likes being the only man in her life. Is that a legitimate reason to not date someone you care about?Yes, but I don't consider beer and his girlfriend to be dating. They are in a committed-type relationship, based on behavior. One of my coworkers was a single man in his late 20's and dated women with kids. He didn't move in. He didn't buy the kids cars and he didn't function as a parent.
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quince
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Post by quince on Dec 17, 2015 15:21:52 GMT -5
I think it is one thing to date a guy your kid doesn't like, and another thing to move into your home a guy your kid doesn't like, and give him influence and authority in the household.
I might date, because not my kid's business who I date, but it IS my kid's business who lives in the house with him, and who is in a position of authority over him. Would not step-dadify someone my kid doesn't like.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Dec 17, 2015 15:32:42 GMT -5
I think it is one thing to date a guy your kid doesn't like, and another thing to move into your home a guy your kid doesn't like, and give him influence and authority in the household. I might date, because not my kid's business who I date, but it IS my kid's business who lives in the house with him, and who is in a position of authority over him. Would not step-dadify someone my kid doesn't like. So will you divorce your husband when your kids go through the crazy teenage years and decide they don't like him?
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Dec 17, 2015 15:35:45 GMT -5
I think it is one thing to date a guy your kid doesn't like, and another thing to move into your home a guy your kid doesn't like, and give him influence and authority in the household. I might date, because not my kid's business who I date, but it IS my kid's business who lives in the house with him, and who is in a position of authority over him. Would not step-dadify someone my kid doesn't like. So will you divorce your husband when your kids go through the crazy teenage years and decide they don't like him? How is that relevant? Their own father is way different from a guy mom met and brought into their life.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Dec 17, 2015 15:39:32 GMT -5
So will you divorce your husband when your kids go through the crazy teenage years and decide they don't like him? How is that relevant? Their own father is way different from a guy mom met and brought into their life. So there was a "loophole" I missed in that statement. Ok! Got it!
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Dec 17, 2015 15:44:57 GMT -5
And, let point out the elephant in the room. What kind of mother wants to marry a man her son doesn't accept? Not saying that the kids should be able to tell her what to do, but if he kid didn't even like you, she shouldn't have you around IMO. But maybe I'm odd in this thinking. I both agree and disagree. I think it depends on whether the dislike is justifiable (treats mom badly, treats bio kids better than stepkids, etc.) or just because the kid would dislike anyone who wasn't his dad. It sounds like this is the latter situation, so the amount of time this opinion should be catered to by the mother is limited IMO. True. There are a lot of things that become exponentially more complicated when there are kids involved.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2015 16:02:51 GMT -5
Am I the only one who didn't realize there was a son? I must have missed it before when daughters were mentioned? Or wasn't he mentioned?
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quince
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Post by quince on Dec 17, 2015 16:04:26 GMT -5
That's...not a loophole. My kid has an existing relationship with his father. An existing relationship with me. Forcing my kid to have a relationship with random person due to my desire for a romantic relationship has not a fucking thing to do with it. If my kid didn't like my husband, barring abuse, I wouldn't be able to keep my husband away from my kid anyway, because my kid is just as much his kid.
Oh, and if my husband is ever abusive to my kid, so my kid has a good reason to not like his father, and I am lucky enough to have a way to keep him out of the kid's life? Of course I would divorce him. I hope if the reverse is true he would do the same to protect our child.
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