obelisk
Familiar Member
Joined: Nov 12, 2014 14:49:16 GMT -5
Posts: 663
|
Post by obelisk on Dec 16, 2015 15:08:07 GMT -5
What do you think would be a fair amount to put into a joint account? What would it cover? I'm curious if it's far off from what you are spending now or if you would spend differently out of a joint account. You take mortgage, utilities, some 'wants' like cell phones and cable, a guesstimation on groceries, put all those bills together and split them 50/50. That amount, at least, is what is point into the joint account by both parties each month. If we're talking about 2-3 years from now, it will be significantly less than what I'm spending now, simply because two of the kids will (hopefully, fingers crossed) be moved out and financially independent. LOL good one! Do you truly believe this with College/University looming. Expenses are only going to skyrocket.
|
|
andi9899
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 6, 2011 10:22:29 GMT -5
Posts: 31,321
|
Post by andi9899 on Dec 16, 2015 15:36:59 GMT -5
You take mortgage, utilities, some 'wants' like cell phones and cable, a guesstimation on groceries, put all those bills together and split them 50/50. That amount, at least, is what is point into the joint account by both parties each month. If we're talking about 2-3 years from now, it will be significantly less than what I'm spending now, simply because two of the kids will (hopefully, fingers crossed) be moved out and financially independent. LOL good one! Do you truly believe this with College/University looming. Expenses are only going to skyrocket. Tell me about it. I knew it would happen, but had no idea just how much.
|
|
emma1420
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 28, 2011 15:35:45 GMT -5
Posts: 2,430
|
Post by emma1420 on Dec 16, 2015 17:22:19 GMT -5
My dad and step-mom lived together for several years before they got married. When they moved in together my youngest step-sister was 11.
Granted my parents have similar financial outlooks, which has helped, but they always had a joint account for the household. Worked out a budget for things like groceries, utilities, etc. (and that included setting aside money for replacing furnishings, etc.) and then added 10%. Then they both contributed 50% of that amount. My step-sister contributed to the utilities and grocery bill, but my dad wasn't paying for her activities or financially supporting her in other ways. This system worked out well. Both my dad and step-mother knew how much money was needed to keep the house running and how much they had to contribute. The rest of their finances were kept completely separate.
is there anyway that you could try that sort of system for a few months? It might help your GF budget if she knew that there was a set amount of money being contributed to the household expenses. A set amount that she count on each month, and that would allow her to determine how to use the rest of her money.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,910
|
Post by zibazinski on Dec 16, 2015 17:28:39 GMT -5
That's been suggested many times and in previous posts from this poster. He's not interested in paying his girlfriend anything set for reasons known only to himself.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 7, 2024 10:24:55 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2015 17:37:17 GMT -5
Are you unwilling to contribute financially to the household in a more traditional way? Meaning you pay a set portion of the household expenses. The 2 of you sit down and add up how much it costs to run the household on a monthly basis (and I think groceries should be indluded, with an amount) and decide together how much of that total you will contribute. Then she's responsible for her own personal expenses and you're responsible for yours. Things that you both agree you want, you figure out together how those things will be paid for, neither of you continue to assume that you will pay for all the fun stuff.
In my mind, that's how teams operate, they come up with a plan. Plans can be tweaked as you go along, but having a plan is better than just muddling along getting nowhere. From the way you've described the situation in these threads, contributing in a more traditional way (and setting a limit on the groceries) should free up some of her money that goes to the basic expenses. She how she does with the money that's freed up. I would think she'd be in a better position to spend the $1k on the car, pay the vet bills, blah blah blah.
Does she even want to change how she handles money? She might think she's doing just fine, while you're waiting on her to do better. The 2 of you can either come up with a plan and try to make it work or keep doing the same shit on different days until one of you has had enough.
|
|
|
Post by mojothehelpermonkey on Dec 16, 2015 19:02:20 GMT -5
Read your old posts. You do and say the same things and we say the same things again. You're dangling the marriage carrot. Why women put up with this nonsense just to get married is beyond me but they do. If she does what you say, you'll give her the privilege of marrying you. She of course thinks you have money and she will be able to access it as your wife. Hah!! More fool her. Same old same old. Pay her decent rent and keep out of her financial business and how she raises her kids. Be grateful she's still putting out. Unreal. First, thanks for the honest answer. I'm not dangling a damn thing. I have no need to get married, but she wants to. I'm not going to marry a financial train wreck, so I want to see if she can change before we make this happen. We've already had discussions on how money will be managed if/when we get married. A joint account to pay for all expenses and necessities, separate accounts for everything else we earn. We will have a pre-nup, because she bought this house 13 years before she met me, and I don't want any part of it. I also don't want any part of her retirement savings or pension. This idea that she thinks she'll magically have access to my money once we get married is false. "Be grateful she's still putting out"? I don't understand women who somehow think sex is a privilege that men need to 'earn'. It sounds like she still continues to keep being a financial train wreck. Maybe it is time for you guys to either get counseling or acknowledge that this is not going to work out long term. Even if that is what happens, it doesn't mean that you don't love her or care about her kids. It just means that the relationship is not healthy enough to be sustainable. That doesn't make either of you bad people.
|
|
lurkyloo
Junior Associate
“Time means nothing now,” said Toad. “It is just the thing that happens between snacks.”
Joined: Jan 8, 2011 11:26:56 GMT -5
Posts: 6,054
|
Post by lurkyloo on Dec 16, 2015 19:12:03 GMT -5
...Didn't we already have this conversation?
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 7, 2024 10:24:55 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2015 20:05:09 GMT -5
You know, Beergut, sometimes it has to come down to "Do you want to be together or not?" If so, get married.
When DH talked about moving here, he pictured us living together. He'd been divorced for 20 years and hadn't even done that. But I had lived with a guy for about five years, and I'd gotten a lot of crap from my daughter about the effect of my living in sin on the grandkids during that time. I wasn't going there again.
So I simply said, "We have to get married if this is going to work." And he immediately agreed because that was what I needed. He'd be fine with never marrying again, but it has worked out well and gets better and better. We are even inching toward common potters although neither of us really want that. It's just that marriage is a partnership.
So does your girlfriend need to be married? If so, you need to respect that. You don't have to marry her if you don't want to, but you do have to let her move on. Don't dangle the possibility in front of her if you aren't really into the idea. It isn't fair.
My two cents . . .
|
|
gooddecisions
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 22, 2010 13:42:28 GMT -5
Posts: 2,418
|
Post by gooddecisions on Dec 16, 2015 22:18:19 GMT -5
Why would beergut want to get married? He has a free place to live (and if I recall he was living for free at his parents' before moving in with his girlfriend) a woman who loves him, and he gets to be a father figure to kids who adore him without being financially responsible for them. So the only real comparison he has for how much it costs to live was when it was free at his parents house. He concludes that he's actually paying more to live at her house (because he's supplementing food for 3 additional people, hence "3x the cost") than he would otherwise and she would have all those bills anyway. So, it's fair. Because he has no obligations other than some groceries and a utility bill every few months and that's only if his girlfriend miss-stepped and needs his help and he feels like "rescuing" her. It comes at a price for her, of course with lectures and no more marriage talk until she stops asking for money. With his girlfriend handling all those pesky monthly housing bills- because you know, paying rent would mean contributing to her mortgage and by golly she should not be able to get ahead on that since his name isn't on the mortgage- he's able to invest the bulk of his income and grow his wealth. Never mind that he lives there too. When he's finally ready to be done with her, he'll have a nice net worth and owe her nothing. This is not a bad situation for him. I hope this really isn't how it is, but all the post I've read about this arrangement, it's the only logical conclusion. Sorry if it's harsh.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,910
|
Post by zibazinski on Dec 16, 2015 22:57:59 GMT -5
Most of us formed that same opinion months ago. Not our first rodeo.
|
|
andi9899
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 6, 2011 10:22:29 GMT -5
Posts: 31,321
|
Post by andi9899 on Dec 16, 2015 23:19:03 GMT -5
It sounds like she still continues to keep being a financial train wreck. Maybe it is time for you guys to either get counseling or acknowledge that this is not going to work out long term. Even if that is what happens, it doesn't mean that you don't love her or care about her kids. It just means that the relationship is not healthy enough to be sustainable. That doesn't make either of you bad people. I'm not sure why beer isn't willing to try something different - the considered general opinion of the YM is that beer should be paying a set amount towards things like rent/utilities, etc. to reflect the full spectrum of the living arrangements rather than this paying for food, and then whenever needed. Beer, you say that you have "no need to get married" but I'm wondering if maybe that is you really don't want to, or afraid, etc. and the reason you won't try splitting the bills is because it isn't working out in the current scenario, and you don't really want it to work out because if things went smoothly, then it'd be time to advance to the next level - ie put a ring on it. Because - if you really don't care about it, AND - you're getting a prenup, there isn't any reason to "wait it out". You're having a prenup. If this really is a great woman you'd like to spend life with, and a prenup is already agreed to, this isn't a deal breaker. I really can't imagine a more depressing, humiliating situation than the one your gf is in now. She want to have a marriage, and you'll marry her when "she's good enough" and then you keep finding (or making sure?) that she isn't good enough. if you want her in your life, and you truly value this relationship, this situation needs to change. Sooner or later, she's going come to the conclusions that a lot of us here seem to have - that the problem isn't her, its you. Perfect! This is exactly right!
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,910
|
Post by zibazinski on Dec 17, 2015 7:19:01 GMT -5
She's going to find out the truth eventually. If she wasn't so stupid, she'd run a check on you and get the facts, then make her decision. Another "any man is better than no man at all." You help "a bit." She wants "a lot." This is a problem. That and the lying. But she's not lying. She makes it very clear from your posts what she's looking for.
|
|
muttleynfelix
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 15:32:52 GMT -5
Posts: 9,406
|
Post by muttleynfelix on Dec 17, 2015 9:29:40 GMT -5
I think this just demonstrates how hard it is to date someone who is at a completely different point in their life. Going from living in a small apartment or living with mom and dad to a house is going to be more expensive than a house. Let alone a house with 3 kids. He can sit back and say on my own it would be cheaper, but on his own he'd probably not be in equivalent housing.
|
|
justme
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 10, 2012 13:12:47 GMT -5
Posts: 14,618
|
Post by justme on Dec 17, 2015 9:44:27 GMT -5
Yea, it's kinda like buying a BMW M5 and comparing it to a subcompact Kia and how your payment shouldn't be as much as it is because the Kia is so much cheaper. Well no, you chose an option that was more expensive on its face so you can't really complain about paying more. Even more so if you drove off with the M5 before asking what your payments would be.
Gotta love analogies lol
|
|
beergut
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 11, 2011 13:58:39 GMT -5
Posts: 2,184
|
Post by beergut on Dec 17, 2015 12:38:16 GMT -5
My dad and step-mom lived together for several years before they got married. When they moved in together my youngest step-sister was 11. Granted my parents have similar financial outlooks, which has helped, but they always had a joint account for the household. Worked out a budget for things like groceries, utilities, etc. (and that included setting aside money for replacing furnishings, etc.) and then added 10%. Then they both contributed 50% of that amount. My step-sister contributed to the utilities and grocery bill, but my dad wasn't paying for her activities or financially supporting her in other ways. This system worked out well. Both my dad and step-mother knew how much money was needed to keep the house running and how much they had to contribute. The rest of their finances were kept completely separate. is there anyway that you could try that sort of system for a few months? It might help your GF budget if she knew that there was a set amount of money being contributed to the household expenses. A set amount that she count on each month, and that would allow her to determine how to use the rest of her money. When your father married your step-mom, was there any child support being paid by your mother? How was that worked into the joint expenses?
|
|
beergut
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 11, 2011 13:58:39 GMT -5
Posts: 2,184
|
Post by beergut on Dec 17, 2015 12:46:16 GMT -5
Are you unwilling to contribute financially to the household in a more traditional way? Meaning you pay a set portion of the household expenses. The 2 of you sit down and add up how much it costs to run the household on a monthly basis (and I think groceries should be indluded, with an amount) and decide together how much of that total you will contribute. Then she's responsible for her own personal expenses and you're responsible for yours. Things that you both agree you want, you figure out together how those things will be paid for, neither of you continue to assume that you will pay for all the fun stuff. In my mind, that's how teams operate, they come up with a plan. Plans can be tweaked as you go along, but having a plan is better than just muddling along getting nowhere. From the way you've described the situation in these threads, contributing in a more traditional way (and setting a limit on the groceries) should free up some of her money that goes to the basic expenses. She how she does with the money that's freed up. I would think she'd be in a better position to spend the $1k on the car, pay the vet bills, blah blah blah. Does she even want to change how she handles money? She might think she's doing just fine, while you're waiting on her to do better. The 2 of you can either come up with a plan and try to make it work or keep doing the same shit on different days until one of you has had enough. You know what helps when you have a conversation on how much it costs to run a household? Seeing a budget. I've been after GF for months now to show me her budget. I keep getting excuses as to how it is on a computer at work. I suspect she doesn't have a budget written down, because having one would mean she'd have to admit she's living on the edge financially. I'm not sure she wants to change how she handles money. She laments how 'emergencies' always come up, but then does nothing to change her behavior that got her into the jam in the first place.
|
|
Chocolate Lover
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 15:54:19 GMT -5
Posts: 23,200
|
Post by Chocolate Lover on Dec 17, 2015 12:57:18 GMT -5
Stop asking to see the budget and ask about the bills. Anything house related that gets paid monthly. Her other spending is her problem. You only need to know what is needed to cover your share of the set bills related to the house. And then groceries.
|
|
andi9899
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 6, 2011 10:22:29 GMT -5
Posts: 31,321
|
Post by andi9899 on Dec 17, 2015 12:57:57 GMT -5
My dad and step-mom lived together for several years before they got married. When they moved in together my youngest step-sister was 11. Granted my parents have similar financial outlooks, which has helped, but they always had a joint account for the household. Worked out a budget for things like groceries, utilities, etc. (and that included setting aside money for replacing furnishings, etc.) and then added 10%. Then they both contributed 50% of that amount. My step-sister contributed to the utilities and grocery bill, but my dad wasn't paying for her activities or financially supporting her in other ways. This system worked out well. Both my dad and step-mother knew how much money was needed to keep the house running and how much they had to contribute. The rest of their finances were kept completely separate. is there anyway that you could try that sort of system for a few months? It might help your GF budget if she knew that there was a set amount of money being contributed to the household expenses. A set amount that she count on each month, and that would allow her to determine how to use the rest of her money. When your father married your step-mom, was there any child support being paid by your mother? How was that worked into the joint expenses? What does it matter. Whether she is being paid CS doesn't make the bills any higher or lower. Again, why not sit down with her and figure out a dollar amount that you mutually agree on that you can contribute and write a check every month and call it a day?
|
|
andi9899
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 6, 2011 10:22:29 GMT -5
Posts: 31,321
|
Post by andi9899 on Dec 17, 2015 12:59:48 GMT -5
And while you're pestering her to show you her cards, have you shown her yours? Does she get to see everything you make/spend? My guess is that the answer is no.
|
|
cktc
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 19, 2013 22:15:31 GMT -5
Posts: 3,202
|
Post by cktc on Dec 17, 2015 13:00:32 GMT -5
I don't think it is fair to call the girlfriend a financial train wreck. She should have more saved, and has a lot of wants, but she has no credit card debt and her shortfalls are usually a couple hundred bucks. Sure she could be doing better, but her issues aren't really that catastrophic. Besides, who doesn't want things they can't afford?
|
|
emma1420
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 28, 2011 15:35:45 GMT -5
Posts: 2,430
|
Post by emma1420 on Dec 17, 2015 13:03:43 GMT -5
My dad and step-mom lived together for several years before they got married. When they moved in together my youngest step-sister was 11. Granted my parents have similar financial outlooks, which has helped, but they always had a joint account for the household. Worked out a budget for things like groceries, utilities, etc. (and that included setting aside money for replacing furnishings, etc.) and then added 10%. Then they both contributed 50% of that amount. My step-sister contributed to the utilities and grocery bill, but my dad wasn't paying for her activities or financially supporting her in other ways. This system worked out well. Both my dad and step-mother knew how much money was needed to keep the house running and how much they had to contribute. The rest of their finances were kept completely separate. is there anyway that you could try that sort of system for a few months? It might help your GF budget if she knew that there was a set amount of money being contributed to the household expenses. A set amount that she count on each month, and that would allow her to determine how to use the rest of her money. When your father married your step-mom, was there any child support being paid by your mother? How was that worked into the joint expenses? My step-mother was provided with child support. However, she used the child-support to pay for my step-sisters activities and items she needed for school. My step-mom offered to cover more of the household expenses (65%), but my dad refused because he felt like his family visiting also contributed to the cost of utilities, food, etc. I think they also had the understanding that there were things that they did as a couple and as a family that they wouldn't do if my dad wasn't in the picture. For example, when my parents went on vacation there were times when step-sister came along and got to invite a friend. My parents shared the expense of my step-sister and her friend joining them on the vacation 50/50. My dad's rationale was always that he met a woman with a child who couldn't be left at home alone, and if he wanted to take an extra vacation, then he was responsible for helping my step-mom cover the vacation costs (as those weren't costs she would have incurred if my dad had not been in the picture). The system worked well for them. And in fact, even though they've now been married several years, they still use the same system. They have a joint account for the household and then they keep the rest of their accounts separate (well they have a couple rentals so I think they have some common accounts for managing maintenance costs for those properties), but in general, if my step-mom wants to go and buy a new BMW or go to a fancy spa, then it's none of my dad's business and vice versa.
|
|
emma1420
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 28, 2011 15:35:45 GMT -5
Posts: 2,430
|
Post by emma1420 on Dec 17, 2015 13:05:45 GMT -5
Are you unwilling to contribute financially to the household in a more traditional way? Meaning you pay a set portion of the household expenses. The 2 of you sit down and add up how much it costs to run the household on a monthly basis (and I think groceries should be indluded, with an amount) and decide together how much of that total you will contribute. Then she's responsible for her own personal expenses and you're responsible for yours. Things that you both agree you want, you figure out together how those things will be paid for, neither of you continue to assume that you will pay for all the fun stuff. In my mind, that's how teams operate, they come up with a plan. Plans can be tweaked as you go along, but having a plan is better than just muddling along getting nowhere. From the way you've described the situation in these threads, contributing in a more traditional way (and setting a limit on the groceries) should free up some of her money that goes to the basic expenses. She how she does with the money that's freed up. I would think she'd be in a better position to spend the $1k on the car, pay the vet bills, blah blah blah. Does she even want to change how she handles money? She might think she's doing just fine, while you're waiting on her to do better. The 2 of you can either come up with a plan and try to make it work or keep doing the same shit on different days until one of you has had enough. You know what helps when you have a conversation on how much it costs to run a household? Seeing a budget. I've been after GF for months now to show me her budget. I keep getting excuses as to how it is on a computer at work. I suspect she doesn't have a budget written down, because having one would mean she'd have to admit she's living on the edge financially. I'm not sure she wants to change how she handles money. She laments how 'emergencies' always come up, but then does nothing to change her behavior that got her into the jam in the first place. Her budget or lack of one isn't any of your business. Now, asking her to determine a set amount to contribute to the household each month based on her utility bills and mortgage payment (plus added monies to help with maintenance of her home) is a reasonable request.
|
|
beergut
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 11, 2011 13:58:39 GMT -5
Posts: 2,184
|
Post by beergut on Dec 17, 2015 13:10:27 GMT -5
You bought the 15 yo a car too?! Please tell me that's not true. Kinda yes/kinda no. After I moved in, I told GF I would help acquire a car for the 15 yr old. She had bought a car for the 17 year old (who was 15 when we started dating), and I knew she felt bad about likely not being able to afford one for the 15 yr old. Her ex-husband's sole contribution was "I know a guy who can get you $1k off on a car." So, I thought I'd be nice and help. To me, 'help' meant contribute 50%, maybe a few thousand towards surprising the 15 yr old with her own car. To GF, 'help' meant me paying for the whole thing. (Yes, I know, that should have been a big mothereffing warning sign right there.) At the time, I was driving a 2005 Hyundai Elantra that had over 180k miles on it. Both my parents had been on me for over a year to replace it, saying it would die any day. I bought a 2006 Nissan Sentra as a default second car for me/future car for the 15 yr old. When the Elantra failed to meet my goal of 200k miles , dying on me at 188k miles, the Sentra became my daily driver. The 15 yr old will begin driving the Sentra after she passes her driving test in January.
|
|
beergut
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 11, 2011 13:58:39 GMT -5
Posts: 2,184
|
Post by beergut on Dec 17, 2015 13:28:06 GMT -5
I'm not sure why beer isn't willing to try something different - the considered general opinion of the YM is that beer should be paying a set amount towards things like rent/utilities, etc. to reflect the full spectrum of the living arrangements rather than this paying for food, and then whenever needed. Beer, you say that you have "no need to get married" but I'm wondering if maybe that is you really don't want to, or afraid, etc. and the reason you won't try splitting the bills is because it isn't working out in the current scenario, and you don't really want it to work out because if things went smoothly, then it'd be time to advance to the next level - ie put a ring on it.Because - if you really don't care about it, AND - you're getting a prenup, there isn't any reason to "wait it out". You're having a prenup. If this really is a great woman you'd like to spend life with, and a prenup is already agreed to, this isn't a deal breaker. I really can't imagine a more depressing, humiliating situation than the one your gf is in now. She want to have a marriage, and you'll marry her when "she's good enough" and then you keep finding (or making sure?) that she isn't good enough. if you want her in your life, and you truly value this relationship, this situation needs to change. Sooner or later, she's going come to the conclusions that a lot of us here seem to have - that the problem isn't her, its you. I can save you the psychoanalysis. We've had multiple conversations about getting married, even going so far as to have discussions as to what the wedding would be like, where we would have it, etc. The 13 year old is a boy, her only boy, and he is her baby. Living with two older sisters and his mother, he has been spoiled and coddled. He was 11 when I first started dating his mother. While the two girls have accepted me, he's been a little slower to accept me. No problem with that, I'm patient. The only problem is that he is 13, and 13 yr olds can be a pain in the ass, and he is one most of the time. I explained to GF that I wanted to wait for him to accept me (and for him to mature a little) before I sign on to be his step-father. She is fine with this. The subject of her financial issues WRT our getting married has never come up.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 7, 2024 10:24:55 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2015 13:44:57 GMT -5
So, not only are you subjecting her to a less than fair test of her financial decision making... You aren't even telling her about the test? To me, suggesting to this board that you are not getting married until/waiting to see X... And then giving her different criteria for marriage, smacks of dishonesty. She assumes you are getting married (even if it isn't until 13 leaves the nest... It isn't her after all, it's him). But you are holding back the fact that you are also still assessing her worthiness.
|
|
beergut
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 11, 2011 13:58:39 GMT -5
Posts: 2,184
|
Post by beergut on Dec 17, 2015 13:46:02 GMT -5
Why would beergut want to get married? He has a free place to live (and if I recall he was living for free at his parents' before moving in with his girlfriend) You recall incorrectly, I paid my parents rent every month. a woman who loves him, and he gets to be a father figure to kids who adore him without being financially responsible for them. So the only real comparison he has for how much it costs to live was when it was free at his parents house. He concludes that he's actually paying more to live at her house (because he's supplementing food for 3 additional people, hence "3x the cost") than he would otherwise and she would have all those bills anyway. So, it's fair. Actually, before I moved back in with my parents, I was living in my own apartment and paying my own bills. My calculation of how much it would cost for me to live on my own is based on the apartment rents I was looking at when I was moving out of my parents' house, and my known expenses when I lived on my own. I spend over three times that amount every month, minimum.Because he has no obligations other than some groceries and a utility bill every few months and that's only if his girlfriend miss-stepped and needs his help and he feels like "rescuing" her. It comes at a price for her, of course with lectures and no more marriage talk until she stops asking for money. Yup, heavy price. Typical lecture goes like this: "Hey, I need some help with this bill." "Okay, how much is it?" "$X" "Okay, let me get my debit card. Can I pay it online?" The horror!!!! The agony she goes through!!! Such a terrible toll on her!!!
Talk about marriage with her has never been connected to finances. With his girlfriend handling all those pesky monthly housing bills- because you know, paying rent would mean contributing to her mortgage and by golly she should not be able to get ahead on that since his name isn't on the mortgage- he's able to invest the bulk of his income and grow his wealth. I wish I could say I invest the bulk of my income every month, but the reality is that roughly 80% is spent on them. I only get perturbed when the 20% I try to invest every month gets cut into because some other 'emergency' popped up. Never mind that he lives there too. When he's finally ready to be done with her, he'll have a nice net worth and owe her nothing. This is not a bad situation for him. I hope this really isn't how it is, but all the post I've read about this arrangement, it's the only logical conclusion. Sorry if it's harsh. I realize that "Hey, you're a worthless freeloader" is an easy narrative for you to jump to, but it isn't anywhere close to the truth.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 7, 2024 10:24:55 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2015 13:48:39 GMT -5
Right, you don't lecture her about needing help with a bill... You just judge her quietly.
Did you ever explain what you had against giving her a set amount each month?
|
|
NancysSummerSip
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 19:19:42 GMT -5
Posts: 36,676
Today's Mood: Full of piss and vinegar
Favorite Drink: Anything with ice
|
Post by NancysSummerSip on Dec 17, 2015 13:50:11 GMT -5
Silly question...what if he never accepts you? What if he sees you as the eternal interloper and just remains a sullen, PITA teenager? At what point do you decide that he's not the reason you're waiting? You marry your GF and he gets over his self-centered self. Lots of kids can and do adapt. If he's been spoiled and coddled before this, he's also learned to play the same good game as his mom and sisters. He gets what he wants when he wants by acting how he wants. You cannot wait out years of a kid being momma's little boy. He learned early from three very good teachers. He might change into a fine young man as he ages - yes, it happens. Sullen, angry, misbehaving kids do grow up to be responsible adults. But I doubt this one has a reason to, any more than his mother has a reason to changer her financial habits. What he does works, just as what she does works.
Why fix what isn't broken?
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 7, 2024 10:24:55 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2015 13:53:03 GMT -5
I personally wouldn't call you a worthless freeloader. I would also not be inclined to call her a financial trainwreck based on your posts, as you seem to desire us to do.
I think you are being as financially unrealistic and irresponsible as she might be... I think that you are setting her up for failure and conditioning in her the very behavior you purport to despise. I think you are dishonest in how you judge her regarding finances.
|
|
midjd
Administrator
Your Money Admin
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:09:23 GMT -5
Posts: 17,720
|
Post by midjd on Dec 17, 2015 13:54:49 GMT -5
So she thinks you're not getting married because of her son? Why haven't you told her the real reason?
If/when the 13 yo snaps out of his rebellious phase and gives you the blessing before the budgeting issues have been resolved, you're going to say...?
I know blended families can be very tough to handle (I have 2 whole siblings, 2 half siblings, and 2 step siblings). But putting responsibility for the marriage delay on her son when the real reason you don't want to marry her is something else entirely (and something she actually has control over, unlike her son's feelings) seems very unfair, both to her and her son.
|
|