DH's Aunt

[zibazinski]

Not my favorite person but DH loved her. He used to give her money because her husband wasn't well employed. As did DH's mother before she died. Long short, DH made no provision for her on his will. Her children are useless in helping support her. I'm feeling some feelings of responsibility. I could ask the executrix but she's not related to her so probably will say no. So it would come out of my funds. I'm already on the hook for that car DH leased for me. What should I do?

[emma1420]

If it would come out of your funds can you wait until the will is completely executed?  So you know exactly what your financial picture looks like?  If it's going to come out of your share I would recommend that you know precisely what your financial situation is going to be long-term so you know if you can afford to assist the Aunt.  

Its lovely that you want to help her, but I think you need to make sure that you will be okay financially first.  

[zibazinski]

The executrix claims I will have at least X per month. She also says I will possibly get more Of course now I get stuck with a car payment but that helps her/estate out so she should be amenable to doing something for me. I know DH would want me to help her. I'm trying to put aside my personal feelings about her and do just that. It's not easy.

[emma1420]

How much would you need to help her?  Are we talking a couple hundred dollars a month?  More?  Less?  How long would you be helping her for?  Would money become an expectation?

I would really wait until everything is final.  Then you can determine how much you are willing to help her.  She isn't your responsibility.  You need to make sure you are okay first.  Then if you feel like you can spare a certain amount then you can send her money.  You have many years in front of you so I think you need to take care of you first.

[resolution]

Is she in a crisis situation where she needs immediate assistance, or is there time for you to wait for the estate to settle? If it is a crisis then you may not be able to wait, but if her situation is stable I think you should wait until you know exactly how your finances are situated and then decide what you can comfortable afford. Right now you only have the estimate of the executrix how much it will be, it would be far more secure to actually get some checks and know for sure how much you are getting.

Also if the amount that you are comfortable giving is less than she used to receive, the space of time where she receives nothing may make her more appreciative of the lesser amount rather than resenting that she is getting less.

[Bonny]

Dec 10, 2015 19:23:51 GMT -5 emma1420 said:

How much would you need to help her?  Are we talking a couple hundred dollars a month?  More?  Less?  How long would you be helping her for?  Would money become an expectation?

I would really wait until everything is final.  Then you can determine how much you are willing to help her.  She isn't your responsibility.  You need to make sure you are okay first.  Then if you feel like you can spare a certain amount then you can send her money.  You have many years in front of you so I think you need to take care of you first.

And I would only do it as a one-time bequest saying that DH would have wanted to remember you this way.

Do not start supporting her with monthly payments. She has able-bodied children who should be helping her not her nephew's wife of a year(?).

[Deleted]

I agree with the others; wait till you know your own situation before thinking about DH's aunt. Since your DH was a heart transplant recipient, he must have spent some time thinking about what bequests he wanted to make and it's interesting that she wasn't provided for specifically. He may have wanted to be very sure you were taken care of.

The executrix has no discretion. She's legally bound to do exactly what the will specifies. She'd get in deep trouble if she did anything else.

[obelisk]

Dec 10, 2015 19:05:48 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Not my favorite person but DH loved her. He used to give her money because her husband wasn't well employed. As did DH's mother before she died. Long short, DH made no provision for her on his will. Her children are useless in helping support her. I'm feeling some feelings of responsibility. I could ask the executrix but she's not related to her so probably will say no. So it would come out of my funds. I'm already on the hook for that car DH leased for me. What should I do?

I would balance my needs/request from family/extended members with my basic needs.  Its time to cut it off.  Any extended payment will only lead to further resentments in the long run.  I believe in cutting extended lines in your new life.  Much stressful this way in moving forward.

[Deleted]

I would balance my needs/request from family/extended members with my basic needs. Its time to cut it off. Any extended payment will only lead to further resentments in the long run. I believe in cutting extended lines in your new life. Much stressful this way in moving forward.

Exactly! The aunt is just going to have to understand that you got stuck with a luxury car and income for life. Combine that with your own money and you barely have enough! Cut her off!

[Deleted]

Dec 10, 2015 21:48:37 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

I would balance my needs/request from family/extended members with my basic needs. Its time to cut it off. Any extended payment will only lead to further resentments in the long run. I believe in cutting extended lines in your new life. Much stressful this way in moving forward.

Exactly! The aunt is just going to have to understand that you got stuck with a luxury car and income for life. Combine that with your own money and you barely have enough! Cut her off!

Later is right.  You aren't hurting financially.  That isn't the issue.

Do you know the aunt's situation?  If the $$$ that your DH was giving her were cut off, would it tip her into deprivation or just merely cut out some unnecessaries?

She isn't your responsibility except that, as you say, your husband loved her.  You can honor that if you can afford to and want to.  You can also ignore the whole thing.

Do what your heart tells you to do.  That isn't a cliche.  Your heart may tell you that she would be better off depending on her own children.  They are the ones who ultimately are going to have to step up when it gets tough.  Or it may tell you to honor your husband by honoring the aunt he loved.

It will work itself out either way.

[Deleted]

I don't mean to be, well mean, at all... but if your husband wanted her to be provided for, then HE should have taken care of it. He had the means. He had the opportunity. I think you need to be your top priority right now.

This is especially true for the first year. As others have said, I'd make no commitments... or even something looking like a commitment, for the first year at least...

[Deleted]

I think you need to be your top priority right now

Is this the first time you've read zib's posts?

[Deleted]

Dec 10, 2015 22:15:28 GMT -5 @tbird said:

Dec 10, 2015 22:02:17 GMT -5 @bamafan1954 said:

Later is right.  You aren't hurting financially.  That isn't the issue.

Do you know the aunt's situation?  If the $$$ that your DH was giving her were cut off, would it tip her into deprivation or just merely cut out some unnecessaries?

She isn't your responsibility except that, as you say, your husband loved her.  You can honor that if you can afford to and want to.  You can also ignore the whole thing.

Do what your heart tells you to do.  That isn't a cliche.  Your heart may tell you that she would be better off depending on her own children.  They are the ones who ultimately are going to have to step up when it gets tough.  Or it may tell you to honor your husband by honoring the aunt he loved.

It will work itself out either way.

getting a little too "out there" for me, Susanna!

I prefer a more active decision myself, whereby I can choose to do the right thing, choose to be more generous than needed, or choose to enact my vengeance.

But - it is my choice, and I'm the decider .

Not the universe!

I just meant that there was no right/wrong answer.  If Zib decides to help his aunt, great.  If she decides that supporting her is best left to her own children, there is wisdom in that.  I had an aunt who lived to be almost 101.  I know that I enabled her daughter/my cousin to ignore her responsibilities to her mother for longer than I should have by just the little support I provided.

I'm not worried in the least that Zib will leave it to the universe.  

[zibazinski]

I've come to the conclusion that DH never thought he was going to die, even with death slapping him in the face several times. He told me he wouldn't leave her anything in the will because it would possibly hurt anything she might be entitled to. He only gave her cash. Which means for several months, she got nothing. But she mentioned it to me. His cousin mentioned it to me and DH's older sister mentioned it to me. So I'm feeling the pressure.

[zibazinski]

Dec 10, 2015 22:17:35 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

I think you need to be your top priority right now

Is this the first time you've read zib's posts?

You never miss an opportunity, do you?

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Zib, did you not get the bulk of DH's estate? If so, was that something you were aware of? 
Regardless, you've been through a horrendous six months (at least). Please do not make any major decisions right now. 

[zibazinski]

I don't know. If I gave her a lump sum, she'd piss it away but I don't want to give her an allowance because she very well could live freaking forever. She's not a friend in any way, shape, or form. DH loved her and was honoring his mother's wishes. I think his mother might have left her something in her will but trust me, that's long gone.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Dec 10, 2015 22:25:11 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

I've come to the conclusion that DH never thought he was going to die, even with death slapping him in the face several times. He told me he wouldn't leave her anything in the will because it would possibly hurt anything she might be entitled to. He only gave her cash. Which means for several months, she got nothing. But she mentioned it to me. His cousin mentioned it to me and DH's older sister mentioned it to me. So I'm feeling the pressure.

Yes, they're pressuring you because you're extra vulnerable right now. Don't discuss finances with these people. You know that is what you would tell another one of us. 

[zibazinski]

Dec 10, 2015 22:30:57 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Zib, did you not get the bulk of DH's estate? If so, was that something you were aware of? 
Regardless, you've been through a horrendous six months (at least). Please do not make any major decisions right now. 

I get the income from the estate and I can draw up to a certain amount extra every year. After I die, the rest goes to the other beneficiaries.

[Opti]

Zib, I agree with you DH didn't think he was going to die. If he did, I think he would have at least tied up how his estate would handle the car and the place you are leasing. Sorry to hear about the pressure.

[kjto1]

Dec 10, 2015 22:25:11 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

I've come to the conclusion that DH never thought he was going to die, even with death slapping him in the face several times. He told me he wouldn't leave her anything in the will because it would possibly hurt anything she might be entitled to. He only gave her cash. Which means for several months, she got nothing. But she mentioned it to me. His cousin mentioned it to me and DH's older sister mentioned it to me. So I'm feeling the pressure.

Keep in mind, I do not know the dynamics of the family.  Based on this update, I would not give her any money - at all.  Not even a one time gift.

With the Aunt, cousin and Sister mentioning the money situation, it sounds like they think you inherited, and are trying the drop the "sugar daddy" role onto you.  Even a one time gift could open the door to future hit ups - oh, the car broke down, oh the furnace went out.  Or, wait at least a year, and then evaluate the situation - but I think the Aunt needs to figure out how she is going to support herself in the future - might as well be now. 

[cronewitch]

Personally I would tell them it wasn't going to happen then randomly gift her some money when she least expects it. If anyone asked for money it means no money is given.
I am doing this now for my great nephew, one year it was 1K on Christmas day then nothing for another year and a half then 10K then more than a year later 6K so come Christmas he won't expect anything since I only once gave him a Christmas gift. Next year I might give him another 6-10K depends if I feel like it and the timing will be mine not his choice and no notice it is coming so I can stop any time for any reason or no reason. He is in college and as long as he works two jobs summer and school year and pays most of his expenses I choose to help. Thanksgiving he said he is applying to business school and expects to get in his grades are higher than they have ever been. I won't support anyone monthly they can cut cost move in with other people or deal with it themselves but I will randomly gift people money I want them to have, never if I couldn't afford it.

[Tennesseer]

zibazinski -sit on it for a while.  Let the legal process complete itself first.  Once you have a better idea what you can and cannot afford and what your needs will be in the future, then make your decision how to handle it.

[Tennesseer]

Dec 10, 2015 22:55:44 GMT -5 cronewitch said:

Personally I would tell them it wasn't going to happen then randomly gift her some money when she least expects it. If anyone asked for money it means no money is given.
I am doing this now for my great nephew, one year it was 1K on Christmas day then nothing for another year and a half then 10K then more than a year later 6K so come Christmas he won't expect anything since I only once gave him a Christmas gift. Next year I might give him another 6-10K depends if I feel like it and the timing will be mine not his choice and no notice it is coming so I can stop any time for any reason or no reason. He is in college and as long as he works two jobs summer and school year and pays most of his expenses I choose to help. Thanksgiving he said he is applying to business school and expects to get in his grades are higher than they have ever been. I won't support anyone monthly they can cut cost move in with other people or deal with it themselves but I will randomly gift people money I want them to have, never if I couldn't afford it.

Will you adopt me, Auntie cronewitch ?

[NastyWoman]

Dec 10, 2015 23:06:35 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

zibazinski -sit on it for a while.  Let the legal process complete itself first.  Once you have a better idea what you can and cannot afford and what your needs will be in the future, then make your decision how to handle it.

 And   'Cause oped is back

[souldoubt]

Zib I've been slammed at work and here sporadically and had no idea your husband passed.  My condolences. 

[Deleted]

Following up on Obelisk's point- how much contact do you anticipate having with DH's family now that he's gone? If none, it may be time to stop the gravy train.

Besides, in another post you mentioned how well DH's Ex made out on life insurance she had on him. Can't she take care of Auntie? ;-)

[wmpeon]

The cousin and DH's older sister brought it up?  Talk about a bitter taste in the mouth. 

Sorry you're dealing with this. 

[zibazinski]

Thank you. It's not as awful as it was. I think you all are right. It's not just because I'm not a fan of hers, but I've been left with a lot that I'm responsible for. This extremely expensive apartment which thankfully ends in April. So I can cut my living expenses by 2/3rds I'm sure. But the car payment and my health insurance are very high. I'll need car insurance and that'll be something because when you lease you have to make sure if the car gets totaled that there's enough to pay off the lease. I'm responsible for all house stuff until it sells. Which is my fault as I'm not ready to let the house go yet. But there's that as well. Yup, I'm holding off. I think you all are right. People think I've inherited the lot and it's not true.

[zibazinski]

Dec 10, 2015 23:33:43 GMT -5 @athena53 said:

Following up on Obelisk's point- how much contact do you anticipate having with DH's family now that he's gone? If none, it may be time to stop the gravy train.

Besides, in another post you mentioned how well DH's Ex made out on life insurance she had on him. Can't she take care of Auntie? ;-)

She should. Auntie was all over her like flies on shit. Literally.